#also me: i'm gonna publish whenever i want b/c I'm a mess
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Can we please get some Gabi/Falco? I loved From the Top of the Mountain; itās one of the best works with those two out there. Maybe it takes place post Rumbling? Just something with those two
thanks!!! i'm glad you liked from the top of the mountain!! it's still one of my favorites too :) I hope you like this one too! have a good day ^-^
How to Be Brave
Falbi. Canonverse.
5136 words.
Read on Ao3!
Falco doesnāt know how Gabi does it. Heās never been the type to charge headfirst into the crossfire, but Gabi will do it without hesitation. Ever since Falco can remember, Gabi has never been afraid of anything. The first day they had been selected as Warrior trainees, she had marched into the classroom without a second glance. She does things with purpose, never second-guessing her actions or faltering. Every trigger Gabi pulls, she does without wavering, holding the gun steady as she takes aim. Every attack she carries out, she does so without batting an eye. Every battle, she runs straight into the battlefield. Sheās fearless and the bravest person Falco has ever met.
Falco is not brave. Heās the biggest coward he knows. Despite being a Warrior candidate for years, heās always hesitating. He fumbles with his gun, always pulling the trigger too late and missing his target because heās never certain of where he should be aiming. He finds himself rooted to the ground far too often when heās taken into the warzones, never knowing what step to take lest a mine blows up in his face. Falcoās never been at the head of a charge, and heās not sure he ever will because if he pauses for even a second his whole entire squad will be blown to bits.
āTell me how,ā he tells Gabi one day. He walks up to her desk, tugging at his earlobe and biting his bottom lip. āTell me how you do it.ā
Gabi looks up at him from her textbook. Written exams are probably her weakest subject, but thatās not saying much considering how exemplary she is in the other ones. Sheās hardworking and stubborn enough to compensate for her weakness anyway. With an eyebrow quirked, Gabi says, āIām afraid youāre going to have to be more specific.ā
Falco nibbles on his lip some more, fidgeting uncomfortably and tugging at the sleeves of his school uniform. How can he admit in front of Gabi that heās afraid? Heās a coward, he knows, but itās different saying it out loud in front of someone like Gabi. Sheās the person that he admires the most. Itās highly likely that she already knows of his cowardice, but for Falco to say it out loud would only solidify that knowledge and heās not even sure he can do that. The inner conflict heās having of even voicing his problem out loud just shows how pathetically indecisive he is.
āI donāt know ā¦ how to be brave like you,ā Falco says bitterly. His eyes turn away from Gabi. He hates how weak he feels right now, weaker than heās ever felt before. āI ā¦ How do you do it? You never hesitate about anything. You always know where you want to go and how you want to do things. You never second-guess things. Youāre always ā¦ brave and I ā¦ Iām not.ā
He hates the sting in his eyes as he finds himself on the brink of tears. It figures that a weakling like him would be brought to tears over something so stupid. He wasnāt meant to be a Warrior, not like Gabi. Half the time, he doesnāt know why he was selected to become a candidate, but the rumors of the selection committee choosing him because of his familyās long-time loyalty and his elder brotherās position as the next Beast Titan feel more and more true each day. Without those connections, Falco probably never would have been chosen. He probably wouldnāt have even been noticed.
Thereās a scrape of Gabiās chair against the hardwood floor. When Falco looks up, Gabi is standing in front of him. She doesnāt look at him pityingly, but she doesnāt look disgusted either. Heās crying now, sniffling and trying to wipe the snot from his nose and the tears from his eyes, but Gabi is kind enough to pretend he isnāt.
āItās not something I can teach you,ā Gabi tells him, and Falco can feel his shoulder slump even more. She flicks her hair out of her face with a hand and continues. āāBeing braveā or whatever ā¦ itās just how I am. I was just born like this. You canāt learn it.ā
It makes Falco feel like a fool for even bringing it up in the first place. So heās just going to be a coward for the rest of his life, always second-guessing himself and being unsure if heās doing the right thing while Gabi will always be charging ahead. Itās a part of Falco that heāll never be able to change. Heāll just be a loser for the rest of his life.
Gabi sighs and itās enough to make Falco flinch. He wants to apologize for wasting her time over such a stupid question. Of course, sheās right. Of course, heāll always be lacking and scared and sheāll always be better than him. Of course, heāll never make a proper Warrior. Heās about to bow his head and apologize, but Gabi speaks first.
āLook,ā she says. Her voice is gentle now, lacking the usual fortissimo that Gabi usually speaks with. āWeāre different, you and I. Itās not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes a difference on the battlefield.ā
Falco nods. Heās known that for quite a while now, but itās still difficult to hear it come from Gabiās lips. āI ā¦ I know,ā he mumbles.
āNo, look,ā Gabi says, waving her hand as if to tell Falco not to get upset. She looks up at the ceiling for a moment as she thinks of the proper way to proceed. After a moment, she claps her hand and begins to explain. āItās like you said, right? Iām really good on the field because I donāt hesitate. I know my targets, I shoot without hesitating, and I never second-guess myself.ā
Falco doesnāt quite know where sheās going with this, but he nods to show that heās listening.
āItās because I always know what to do,ā Gabi says simply. Falco gives her a funny look, but she simply shrugs like she canāt give a better explanation. āIām always certain about what needs to be done. I know myself well ā how fast I can run, how far I can throw, how strong I am when I throw a punch ā so I trust myself when Iām on the battlefield. I donāt hesitate because I never need to; I know what Iām capable of.ā
Falcoās eyes are downcast once more. Everything Gabi says makes perfect sense. While Gabi knows and trusts herself completely, Falco doesnāt. His cowardice stems from the fact that heās always afraid about his lack of abilities. Whenever heās on the field or even just training, heās always doubting himself. Is he able to run this distance without his legs giving out? Is he able to shoot this target without missing? Does he have the strength to charge into battle without collapsing midway? And the answer is always the same: it wavers first from thinking perhaps he might be able to do it if he strains himself before Falco begins to think that he doesnāt have the strength or stamina to do any of these tasks and then he inevitably falls into despair when he convinces himself that such things are impossible for him. His thoughts lead him to falter more and more with every step he takes, to have his hand waver every time he points a gun while his finger trembles on the trigger, and cause him to fall behind every time heās ordered to run into the crossfire.
Falco supposes thatās it then. Heāll just be a coward for the rest of his life while Gabi will always be ahead, increasing the distance between them until she disappears from his view completely. He thinks thatās what heās the most afraid of.
A hand appears in front of Falco and it surprises Falco when he realizes that itās Gabi offering her hand to him. Heās not sure if heās supposed to take it. His hand reaches out, but he never puts his hand in hers. His hand just hovers above hers awkwardly, uncertain even for this simple thing. It seems to surprise even Gabi, who looks at him with her eyebrows raised.
āItās okay if youāre afraid. Iāll never be afraid of anything,ā Gabi says. She puts her hand closer to his, wiggling her fingers to show him that itās fine. āIāll show you how to be brave, so just take my hand. Iāll stay by your side.ā
Heās not sure if he can take her hand. Falcoās not sure if he deserves to be by her side. Heās afraid that heāll only hold Gabi back. Is this really okay? Is he really worthy?
He clenches his fist before reaching out. Even if he doubts himself, he trusts Gabi. Gabi believes in him enough to offer him her hand. She trusts him enough to allow him by her side. She has faith in him even if he doesnāt.
Gabi smiles when Falco takes her hand, and he smiles back in response. Itās not as confident as her smile. Itās a little strained, a little uncertain, but itās fine, Falco thinks, because heās holding her hand. Heās not sure how this will all work out or if it ever will in the end. He doesnāt know if this will make him braver on the battlefield. He doesnāt know if itāll lead to a happy ending, but for once that doesnāt matter. Holding Gabiās hand, he forgets all his uncertainties and thinks that maybe he can be just a little bit braver.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-ćā“ćāāāā-Ā«Ā«
Gabi doesnāt know how people do it ļæ½ļæ½ get out of bed, eat, function. She doesnāt remember how to act like a real human being. It takes nearly all her energy to get out of bed only for her to be so exhausted that she wants to collapse back against the pillows and sheets and cry herself to sleep like she has for so many nights.
She doesnāt know when this started, her inability to sleep, to eat, to wake. Itās post-traumatic stress disorder, a doctor said, because of the war. Gabiās not so sure. It might have started before then, before the Founding Titan rose and the Walls of Paradis came crumbling down, before she had left Marley and vowed revenge for her friends and family, before Eren Jaeger declared war on Marley and destroyed her home, but Gabi isnāt sure when exactly it had begun. In the end, it probably doesnāt even matter.
A lot of days Mikasa comes in to check on Gabi, sitting on the edge of the young girlās bed and stroking the hair from her face before asking how sheās feeling. Sometimes Gabi will mumble something about how sheās tired or sleepy, but the most frequent response is just the sound of silence as Gabi pretends to be asleep. Mikasa will stroke her hair and hum a song, some old Eldian song that Gabi doesnāt know, before leaving. Armin will often hover in the doorway, mumbling questions and trying to get through, but Mikasa will always usher him out. Gabi always hears them whisper to each other: Armin asking if sheās getting any better, if she needs to see the doctor again, if he should talk to her, and Mikasa will tell him that she just needs time to heal. They all need time to heal, but Gabiās not sure she ever will. It feels like Gabi is the only one that feels this way: scared and sad and hopeless. There are days where sheās convinced that sheāll never get better.
Mikasa has her bad days, too. There are nights where Gabi will wake to Mikasa shaking her, screaming until Gabi opens her eyes and then the woman will cry with relief that āSashaā is still alive. Some days Armin wonāt leave the house at all, saying that he never wants to take a step outside because dreaming of the outside world is the thing that had cursed him in the first place. Thatās what itās like on their worst days.
On their best days, Armin and Mikasa will go for a walk. Maybe Gabi will get out of bed, but sheāll never join them outside. Itās too much for her. Even sitting down at the table and staring out the window can be overwhelming for her, but sheāll do it on days she feels strong enough. They are the best days because Armin and Mikasa will walk hand-in-hand and return home with smiles on their faces as if they hadnāt cried the entire night before. It is as if they forget all the horror of the war almost a year ago, but Gabi knows theyāll remember it when the sun sets and the night comes. But at least for a brief moment they can smile.
Gabi can never get herself to smile. Itās as if she had forgotten how. She thinks even if she were able to, she wouldnāt be able to bring herself to do it. Itās more than the depression or the stress or whatever psychological disorder the doctors are trying to diagnose her with to explain her melancholia. Itās like sheās scared of everything: of waking up, of leaving the house, of even the idea of being happy. Sheās afraid sheāll never find a way to be happy again. Sheās afraid she doesnāt deserve it.
It makes Gabi jealous when she sees Armin or Mikasa smile. She pulls her blankets over her head whenever she hears the two of them laugh together. She wants to scream when they hold hands. The truth is, though, that she wants to be able to smile, to laugh, to be held, but she doesnāt know how. Sheās convinced that she will just have to be miserable for the rest of her life. Itās what she deserves anyway. She isnāt sure about anything else, but she knows that for certain.
Falco comes to visit sometimes. He comes at least once a week. He lives with Levi now that the war is over. (āItās good that the old man has someone to take care of him,ā Mikasa says once before Armin quickly chastises her for speaking about their former captain that way.) Falco never makes it past the doorway. He always comes to ask about Gabi, her condition, if she feels any better, if sheād like to go out for a walk with him because the fresh air might be good for her. Mikasa always tells him the same thing: that Gabi is still recovering, but that theyāll let him know when Gabiās well enough to go outside. He never complains when heās turned away.
One day he visits on a āgoodā day. Gabi sees him from the window walking up the path to the cabin. Even though she wonders if he sees her, she doesnāt wave. She just watches him as he follows up the path eventually leading to the front door. He knocks in the same familiar way that he always has ā three quick raps of his knuckles against the hardwood ā and Mikasa opens the door for him.
āHi, Miss Mikasa. Mister Armin,ā Falcoās voice says from the doorframe. He sounds good. Happy. Normal. He sounds like everything Gabi wishes she could be. She can hear him speak again, his voice a little more hesitant this time. āHow ā¦ how is Gabi today? Do you think I could see her?ā
Mikasa takes an uncertain glance at where Gabi sits. Gabi knows what she looks like: a mess. Her dark hair is in disarray, tangled from lying in bed all day. There are bags under her eyes because all her dreams are interrupted by nightmares. Her face is gaunt because she can hardly swallow more than three bites of food whenever she musters the energy to sit up for a meal. Gabi doesnāt blame Mikasa when the woman shakes her head and asks Falco to come back another time.
Gabi didnāt get a chance to say goodbye. She never says goodbye. She never even says hello. Itās because sheās too tired, too worn, too broken to even fathom greeting someone who seems to be doing worlds better than her. Every time Falco visits, she tells herself that sheāll feel better next time. Sheāll be able to walk to the door and give him the smallest smile before inviting him in. Theyāll be able to sit at the table and have tea that Armin brews for them. Theyāll take a little bit about what Falco is doing and maybe heāll invite her outside and sheāll think about it if sheās feeling better. If she ever feels better. If she can ever feel better.
The thought that Gabi might always feel this way ā cold and alone and barely living as it is ā seizes her. It makes her blood run cold and she grips the edge of the table with a hopeless desperation because this isnāt what she wants. She doesnāt want to be here, trapped by her own feelings of fear and grief and despair. She wants to be outside with Falco, to hold his hand, to smile. She doesnāt want to be alone anymore, but the idea that she can ever be happy is so hopelessly out of reach.
It must be in a fit of madness that she gets up from the table, her chair screeching as she pushes it back and nearly toppling over as Gabi runs to the door. The broken girl is stopped only by Mikasa, who grabs her by the elbow.
āGabi, what is it?ā Mikasa asks, eyes wide with alarm and her brow knit together in concern. Even as Gabi struggles to free herself from the womanās grip, Mikasa holds onto the girl firmly. āWhatās wrong?ā
āLet go! I need to go!ā Gabi says, and sheās crying now just like she always does these days. Tears stream down her face and taste like salt on her tongue. She swallows her sobs and wipes at her nose hastily with the back of her hand. āI want to see him! I want to see Falco.ā Itās more than that though. She wants to see him. She has to see him. She needs to see him, but heās already walking down the path, slowly growing smaller and threatening to disappear from view.
āGabi, wait, just wait a minute,ā Mikasa says. Her arms are wrapped around Gabi, holding the frail girl back even as Gabi struggles. Her face buried in Gabiās shoulder, Mikasa says, āWait a moment, Gabi, please.ā
Gabi doesnāt want to hear it. She wants to fly out the door, run down the trail, and throw herself in Falcoās arms. She wants to be where he is, a place where the grass is greener, the sun is shining, and she can smile.
āGabi,ā Arminās gentle voice calls. As Mikasaās arms loosen around Gabi, the man drapes a soft cardigan around Gabiās shoulders. Itās far too big for her but it smells like wood and freshly lit candles. Armin helps guide her arms through the sleeves and pulls the cardigan around her. āGabi, donāt worry. Heāll wait for you.ā
āBut I have to go now,ā Gabi says and she feels herself about to burst into tears once more.
āItās fine,ā Mikasa says and she reaches out to smooth a lock of hair away from Gabiās forehead. She gives the girl a comforting smile. āJust ā¦ come back home, okay?ā
Gabi pauses and then gives them a nod. Without warning, she throws arms around both her guardians and whispers a quick, āThank you.ā She feels their arms squeeze her back in reply and as soon as they let go, she dashes out the door.
Itās been so long since she last exerted herself. Gabiās breathless after the first few seconds, panting hard and gasping for breath. She doesnāt remember the last time she had been this exhausted. Even during her grueling training periods as a Marleyan Warrior she canāt recall getting tired so quickly. Her legs are beginning to ache even though she hasnāt even run a hundred meters from the cabin. Her lungs feel as if theyāre about to burst, burning with every breath she takes. Her body hurts too much. She doesnāt know how far she can go, how many more steps she can take before she collapses, but she canāt stop.
She can see Falco in the distance, his back turned to her. He doesnāt realize that sheās running after him. Why doesnāt he know? If she calls him now, will he turn back?
Gabi doesnāt think she has the strength to call his name, but she musters whatever energy she has left and screams his name as loudly as she can. āFalco!ā she shouts, and even she can hear how weak her voice is. āFalco! Falco, Falco!ā
Itās only after the third call that Falco turns around. Gabi is close enough to see his face. His lips are parted, shaped in a perfect āO.ā For a moment, sheās afraid that heāll turn away from her, that heāll abandon her, but he stays rooted in place, waiting for her. Sheās so relieved she can cry.
āFalco, Falco!ā Gabi sobs. She calls his name the entire way. Sheās so tired that she doesnāt know how sheās able to make it. She doesnāt stop until sheās right in front of him, falling into his arms and clinging onto him because heās the only thing thatās keeping her standing.
āHey, hey,ā Falco says gently. Itās so comforting to hear his voice so close to her. Itās deeper than Gabi remembers, but itās still so warm and familiar. āGabi, itās okay. Iām here. Iāve got you.ā
āHelp me, help me,ā she begs, her voice shaking. She holds so tightly to him that she might tear the sleeves of his shirt. She just wants him close. She wants him closer. āHelp me, please.ā When she sinks to the ground, he does too, holding her in his arms to cushion her fall.
āHelp you?ā Falco repeats. He doesnāt ask her why and he doesnāt ask her what for. He just raises her head, his hand gentle as he lifts her chin. She sees his blue eyes wide with concern. She feels his other hand wipe away her tears as he asks her, āHow?ā
āMake me ā¦ help me ā¦ be happier,ā she tells him, and she feels so pathetic for asking him for such a thing. There used to be days where sheād smile all the time and laughter was not far from her lips. Happiness came easily to her, but those days are long gone. She doesnāt know if she remembers how to smile anymore. Itās something a child can do, but she finds it so impossible.
How had she become so helpless and pitiful? Once, she had been a proud warrior. She could wield a gun and fire it without thinking twice. Now, she can hardly get out of bed in the morning because the thought of it terrifies her.
āI just want to be happier,ā Gabi whispers. Her voice is so quiet that sheās afraid that her words go unheard, but Falco quickly clasps her hands in his.
āThen you should be. Why shouldnāt you?ā Falco tells her with such sincerity that she thinks she might cry again. āIsnāt it what you deserve? You deserve to be happy, Gabi.ā
She should be grateful that he thinks so, but for some reason she hates hearing it from his lips. Itās what she wants to hear the most. It comes from the person she cares about the most, but she knows that the words he says are not true.
āNo.ā Gabi shakes her head. Tears begin to roll down her cheeks again. Thereās no point in stopping them. She begins to pull her hands away from Falcoās, but he holds tightly to her. It almost hurts for her hands to be held so tightly, but his hands are so warm around hers. āNo, Falco, I ā¦ of all people, I deserve it the least. I ā¦ how can I be happy after everything that has happened?
āI killed people,ā she tells him as if he doesnāt know this already, as if he hadnāt been there when she had blown the trigger, as if he hadnāt seen her paint her own hands with blood. Gabi shakes her head when Falco begins to open his mouth to interrupt. Whatever words of comfort he has for her, she doesnāt deserve them. āI killed people thinking they were monsters, but the whole time the monster had been me.ā
āGabi, please,ā Falco pleads. He tugs her hands closer, pulls her in closer to him. āThat wasnāt your fault. The things we were taught ā¦ the world we lived in ā¦ how were we to know right from wrong?ā
Gabi shakes her head, dark hair falling into her face and obscuring her vision. āAnd all of our friends ā¦ our family,ā Gabi says. She closes her eyes and her tears burn down her cheeks. She used to be able to conjure up the faces of her loved ones so easily with her eyes closed, but now their features are faded to her. Sheās unsure of the smallest details ā the right angle of their nose, the thickness of their eyelashes, the exact shade of their hair ā and sheās afraid that in time they will completely fade from her memory. āI couldnāt save them and itās all my fault.ā
āNo, it wasnāt.ā Falco reaches out with a hand and brushes her hair from her face, tenderly tucking it behind her ears. When Gabi glances up at him, he looks at her with eyes full of sincerity like he knows his words to be true. āIt wasnāt your fault, Gabi. Nothing was your fault.ā
Falco leans over and hugs her tightly. He rests one hand on the back of her head, letting Gabiās head lay on his shoulder as she continues to sob. He strokes the top of her head and continues. āThey wouldnāt blame you either, Gabi. Nobody would. They wouldnāt want to see you like this. They would want you to be happy,ā he tells her. āAll they would want is for you to be happy, so donāt you think itās time for you to stop punishing yourself?ā
Gabi wishes she could. She wishes she could stop crying. She wishes she could live a normal life. She wishes she could be happy.
āBut Iām scared,ā she whispers.
Sheās scared that she doesnāt deserve to be happy even if people say otherwise. Sheās scared that sheāll muster the courage to get out of bed and eat and leave the house only to be reminded that she doesnāt deserve any of those things. Sheās scared that sheāll try to live normally only for something to go terribly wrong ā for the world to tremble underneath her feet, for the sky to fall, for the earth to shatter in front of her very eyes ā because the universe knows she doesnāt deserve any bit of happiness in her life.
She even hesitates to indulge in little pleasures. Sheās unsure if she should eat more than a bite of the food Armin prepares. Sheās uncertain if she should reciprocate the hugs that Armin and Mikasa give her. She doesnāt know if she should even go outside and enjoy the scenery because everything is more than she deserves.
āIām scared,ā Gabi repeats. She holds onto Falco tighter, her fingernails digging into his shoulder, but he doesnāt pull away. āIām scared and terrified of everything. Iām too afraid to ever be happy.ā
Falco squeezes her tightly. āThen Iāll teach you how,ā he tells her. He says it like a promise. He pulls away slightly. Itās far enough so that he can see her face but still close enough that he can hold her in his arms. Heās smiling now. Itās not broad and carefree like it used to be when they were children. Itās a little cracked at the edges, a little forced, a little bit pained. Itās a little bit hopeful. āIn a world like this ā¦ itās brave to try to be happy, but itās hard being brave, isnāt it?ā His voice isnāt mocking. Itās gentle. Sweet. Understanding.
Gabi feels exhausted. She doesnāt have the energy to answer in words. She just gives him a simple nod.
āYou donāt have to be alone, Gabi,ā Falco tells her. āYou have me. You have Miss Mikasa and you have Mister Armin. You have all of these people who care about you. You have all these people who want you to be happy, and weāre always going to be there to help you.ā
āThank you,ā Gabi whispers. She slumps against Falco, his arms the only thing holding her up. Sheās crying again, but she cries tears of gratitude this time because Falco says everything sheās always needed to hear. For the first time in a long time, she feels hopeful. She says the words sheās always wanted to say out loud: āI want to be happy.ā
Falco smiles a little more broadly this time. Itās not the same smile as when they were kids. Gabiās not sure they will ever be able to smile the same way again, but she still wants to smile again. She wants to smile with him.
āIāll help you,ā he tells her. Falco stands up, but he doesnāt bother brushing the dirt from his clothing. Instead, he reaches out a hand towards Gabi. āLetās be happy together, Gabi.ā
Sheās not sure if she should take his hand. She doesnāt know if she should rely this much on him, if she should be this much of a burden to him, if she deserves his help, but she wants it so badly. Thereās a possibility that she wonāt ever be happy even with Falcoās help. Thereās a chance that she still might not be able to smile. Thereās a risk that this might all just be a foolās dream ā¦ but itās a risk that Gabi wants to take.
Gabi puts her hand in Falcoās and lets him pull her up. She lets him fuss with her hair and clothing, lets him run his hand through her hair to get out the tangle and brush at the skirt of her nightgown so that the dirt doesnāt stick. She lets him take care of her and when he looks at her to make sure sheās okay, she gives him a smile.
Itās far from perfect. Itās hardly a smile at all. Itās just her lips with the edges curled slightly upward. The smile doesnāt reach her eyes. Even Gabi knows itās a pathetic attempt and it hurts to stretch her lips this way. She can feel her smile crumbling at the edges. Itās scared and broken and uncertain ā¦ and hopeful.
#falbi#falco grice#gabi braun#snk#canonverse#requests#anonymous#anon#answered#me: i'm gonna publish stuff on a schedule#also me: i'm gonna publish whenever i want b/c I'm a mess
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