#also just know as I said that Phos isn't the only character that I find very relatable in this manga

[tama1313]

I have never found characters so releatable like in HNK (well... three of them but it's already a odd number to me) Expecially Phos Phos is umbelievable so relatable to me Most of the things they have been throught... I can understand them so badly: The frustration to not be like the others, the trial to change to be loved back, the being left behind to be so different, and many more...

This is the exact way I behaved (and I still behave) to my mental disorder

(maybe it's just that I'm projecting over them the meaning that Phos's fragility is seen as a disability, idk. It seems so obvious to me)

I think that a lot of people find Phos relatable, but I swear it's the first time I found a fictional character that's so similar to me

(also I guess Tatta has been just degraded from his "selfhood spot". Just kidding, Tatta is so similar to me too. But Phos is maybe... more similar than Tatta)

[greybluesblog]

Rutile

Only when Padparadscha was introduced did I pay attention to Rutile.

He apprears to be a short-tempered along with the impression of someone doing things the way he wants. He is quick to use violence when someone calls him "quack" (Phos is the victim almost all the time) and also likes to check on gems whenever he feels like it. Rutile also has a crazy side of him for wanting to dissect Phos who accidentally turns into a snail (which is actually Ventricosus) or dying to see the scene where Adamant is cracked.

Despite that, Rutile is a responsible doctor who would stay up all night to put back a gem together. Moreover, a skillful one. I still remember the agate legs he crafts for Phos. How amazing!

I got to know more about Rutile in chapter 29. What motivates him to become a doctor is Padparadscha's condition. And the iconic saying: "If I can't help you then I'm just a doctor in name only". When Padparadscha smiles this matter away and blames his bad luck, Rutile still insists that it's his incompetence to blame. Looking at their faces, I find it hard to feel at ease. A dilemma.

It is confirmed in volume 9's bio that the reason Rutile becomes a doctor is because of Padparadscha. In volme 8's bio, Rutile is said to have only ever thought of Padparadscha. Padparadscha, Padparadscha, Padparadscha. Seems like Rutile's world is only about that one gem. To be honest, I find it's somehow romantic. He actually has someone important to him. Someone worths working for.

But the reveal in volume 9 really makes me puzzled. Finally I got to read Rutile's inner thoughts. He shows hesitation in regard to going to the moon. He stills feel responsible for the other gems' well being but at the same time, he doesn't want this opportunity to slip by. And his true desire comes into light: he wants to regain Padparadscha's worth with his own hands. Yet, he is unable to find a better solution, so he decides to ask Adamant for permission. If he disagrees then Rutile will leave Padparadscha behind and goes to the moon alone. If time were in favor of Rutile, I believe things would take a better turn.

When Rutile hears that Phos disappeared along with others, he rushes to where Padparadscha is only to find an empty place. Rutile, with a surprised look on his face, cracks.

I doubt Phos watches until the very end. The way the remaining gems gather at the Cord Shore and see nothing left. Rutile goes down on his knees, swallowed by the darkness. I couldn't handle this with a calm face.

During the night raid, it is impossible to reason with Rutile. Blind by rage, he attacks Padparadscha and Yellow the second he spots them. It is of great concern that Rutile tries to attack Padparadscha's torso, which placed the aritificial corundum. The question arises: Does Rutile actually care about Padparadscha? If he doesn't care, why so devoted on curing him?

Is it for his reputation as a doctor? Maybe so. Still, it is said that Rutile only becomes a doctor for Padparadscha. When hearing Phos is gone along with other gems including Padparadscha, he unintentionally abandons his coat. Even after that, he doesn't bother to wear it again. Following how the story goes, I didn't find a single scene where Rutile does his job as usual. Without Padparadscha, Rutile is no longer a doctor.

Does Rutile find his worth in working how to cure Padparadscha's condition? That may explain why he is willing to put behind his duty as the gems' doctor to go to the moon, on the condition that he is the only one to cure Padparadscha. And so this leads to the angry Rutile when he sees Padparadscha is awake with the moon's corundum. Padparadscha is cured, not by Rutile's skill, but by someone's. Rage, Desperation, Bitterness, Resenment. I think these feeling mix up. When asked by Yellow, unfortunately, Rutile doesn't have the opportunity to answer what it is that he wants, so I will never know for sure.

His action toward Padparadscha seems understandable. After all, the trio only show up till 30 days have passed since the departure, wear Lunarians' clothes, use Lunarians' swords. What else to think? Easily accepts it and happily comes over to ask how have you been? That would be out of character! Especially when considering Rutile true personality.

It makes me wonder, what is Rutile and Padparadscha's relationship like? What do they really feel about each other? Does Rutile devote his time wholeheartedly because of his self-worth or he actually care about Padparadscha? Does Padparadscha wish Rutile to stop genuinely for Rutile's sake or because he is just tired of this condition?

When meeting again after 220 years, Rutile hatred for Phos remains fresh. Padparadscha suddenly appears, with the same smile, takes out one of the artificial corundum and says the most painful words. While he does manage to stop Rutile's rage, I still find it cruel. Not that if I were in his shoes, I would come up with something better.

In the end, Rutile has to face the reality. He can't deny it by taking his anger out on Phos anymore. Now that Padparadscha has returned, he has to deal with the fact that Padparadscha is cured without his skill, that he is incapable of helping his old partner, that his skill is useless. That is why Rutile goes down on his knees, again. Maybe grief is the only thing he feels. Since then, Rutile has become quiet to the point of unresponsive. I thought that Rutile would look more misrable than ever. But surprisingly, his eyes seem those of one who begins to understand the truth. Of course, still in pain.

The best cure right now is time. I strongly believe that as time goes by, Rutile will finally be able to accept this hurtful truth and let it go. Sadly, time isn't favor Rutile for a bit. He gets shattered by Lunarians' arrows while slouching down near Padparadscha's sleeping body.

The image of Rutile crouches down at the Cord Shore in the dark night is burned into my mind.

The scene where he goes down on his knees in the white snow, while still holding onto Padparadscha's "gift" is heart-breaking.

Wondering how the future me will view this?