#also ive been very stressed out because of work and this is seriously made my day so much WHERES MY INSUFFERABLE BOI

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

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[effy-writes]

Hii!! I really love your writing and I saw that you're taking requests

WARNING up a head

I would like to know if you would be okay with writing a scenario involving Fizz and Ozzie with a reader (female or gender-neutral) who has epilepsy. The reader has been experiencing frequent seizures due to getting less sleep, stressing over work, missing a few doses of their medication (meds were pricey and they felt like a burden to them), and eating chocolate that was gifted by a coworker (they'd feel bad for declining), despite being aware that it's a trigger factor.

I've been going in and out of the hospital for the past 2 months due to high fever (after I fell off the stairs and hit my head) and seizure monitoring and despite being an adult, I feel like a burden to my parents because they have to look after me and pay for everything (and I try to skip a few days of meds to make them last a little bit longer) 🥲🥲🥲

And if you ever feel uncomfortable writing this, you can just ignore it! Mwah, have a good day/evening, loves!!

holy shit are you okay 😭😭 and thank you for requesting! and also thank you for the compliment!

also i didn’t know if you wanted one shot or HC so this is like a little bit of both i think

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fizz x GN!Epileptic! Reader x Ozzie HC

•You haven’t been epileptic your whole life. It all started when doing a performance at Ozzie’s and fell off a platform and hit your head. Obviously, your polyamorous relationship with Fizz and Ozzie were worried sick about you. They took you to a hospital straight away (and since it’s hell, it was a pretty sucky hospital), all they said was that you had a concussion.

• Going back to Ozzie’s house they made you take things slow and refused to let you do things. It was killing you though. Everyone at Ozzie’s loved your performances and the customers paid lots of money to go see you, and because of your injury you obviously can’t perform. So, customers ended up not going.

• You felt extremely guilty for it, but Fizz kept reassuring you that him and Ozzie aren’t mad. They just want you to get better.

•Well, things got even worse. A few days later you had a horrible fever. You felt so weak to even talk and your skin was burning up. Ozzie was the first to notice this. He took your temperature and was horrified whenever it came out to 105° F, which is a deadly fever. He immediately got Fizz and they took you to the hospital yet again. Since you’re an Imp they didn’t care, but after Ozzie showed his true form they took you seriously and monitored you.

•That same day Ozzie had to go to a very important Hell meeting so he left Fizz with you. He realized you looked worse even though they gave you IV medicine. When he saw your body shaking and eyes rolling back he freaked the fuck out. He called out for some nurses or doctors and they quickly gave you seizure medicine to stop the seizure. Obviously you were “blacked out” for this, so you don’t remember much. Fizz on the other hand was hyperventilating and got worried sick. He couldn’t call Ozzie because of him being at the meeting, so he held your hand and told you it’s going to be okay while you’re asleep.

•After some very expensive days at the hospital they officially diagnosed you with Early Post Traumatic seizure. Basically epilepsy. The moment you got this information you broke down. Ozzie rubbed your back while Fizz squeezed your hand. It hurt them to see you like this. The doctors prescribed expensive seizure medicine to take daily to prevent more seizures.

•Finally you were able to go back home and hoped things would go back to normal. Ozzie paid for the medication while Fizz reminded you to take them. The next couple of months the seizures became less frequent and almost disappeared.

•You were still able to perform (after months of begging, but they soon gave in because they saw you haven’t had a seizure in a while). However, Ozzie made a deal with you. You can only perform on Friday and Saturday nights and made it “seizure friendly” (basically on those days they refuse to show flashing lights), and because of those seizure friendly days more people started showing up because they also have epilepsy!!

•Your polyamorous relationship anniversary is coming up and you wanted to do something special. And lucky for you, it landed on a friday. You’ve been preparing this for months, you wanted it to be something completely different and wanted it to be special. However, you could only practice the dance with the backup dancers super early in the day (like 4 am) so Ozzie and Fizz won’t see what you’re getting up to. You’ll sneak out of the bedroom and head on down to Ozzie’s and meet the backup dancers there to practice.

•Because you’ve been getting less sleep and you’re stressed out fixing up this anniversary present, your seizures have been acting up. The first incident was that you were walking from the bedroom to the kitchen (and you stood up too fast) and immediately fell back down as your body compulses. Ozzie was already in the kitchen making breakfast and once he heard something (more like somebody) and saw you shaking he took action and turned you on your side just in case if you throw up. He also grew in size and placed his hand underneath your head so it wouldn’t keep hitting the ground repeatedly. Ozzie kept it cool, but Fizz was hyperventilating (this dude worry’s so much because you mean everything to him).

•You didn’t know how much your medicine costs until Fizz pointed it out. He didn’t mean any harm, he just said “Damn, this shit is more expensive than the Demon Driller 5000.” And yes, that’s saying a lot. He meant it as a joke and didn’t know it made you feel guilty. You wanted to skip the meds, but since Fizz keeps track of it you had to come up with a plan for him to not helicopter you.

•It was actually pretty easy, you told him you wanted to do things yourself and he respected that boundary. You hid the medicine and only took it twice a week, which definitely didn’t help your case.

•Both of your boyfriends were worried sick about you and wanted to take you to the hospital but you always declined (you even got mad at them because of it. You meant no harm but because of the stress and having to deal with seizures just made you on edge).

•At work a coworker gave you chocolate because the anniversary was coming up soon. You didn’t want to eat it because you really didn’t want to have a seizure since they hurt so much. But, you’re a people pleaser and you ate it. Soon enough, you had a seizure 30 minutes later (not while performing because Fizz and Ozzie begged you to not perform once you’ve been seizure free for 2 months).

•After that one, things got heated between you and your boyfriends.

“Is everything okay, babe? We’re so worried about you.” Ozzie rubbed your back.

“I am. Just stressed and tired because of these seizures.”

Fizz laid his body across you and Ozzie, his head on your lap. “Is that all? Or is there something more?”

•You kept it a secret for so long and it sucks because the anniversary is this friday and you really wanted it to be special. So, you told them everything, including skipping meds.

“I haven’t been sleeping a lot and I’m stressed because I’ve been working for months on this stupid performance for our anniversary.” You huffed. “And I may or may not be taking my meds.” You winced.

“WHAT?!” Ozzie yelled, but lowered his voice, “What? Why?”

“It’s too expensive and I feel so guilty that you have to pay and I feel like a burden.”

Fizz shot up, “You’re not a burden! We love you so much and want you to be healthy!”

“Don’t worry about the money, babe. I got it.”

“And sorry for spoiling the surprise.”

“Eh, I figured you were up to something.” Fizz smirked.

“What? How?” You laughed.

“I know you. I knew you longer than Ozzie.” He kissed your nose. “I can tell when you’re keeping secrets. But I’m VERY pissed at you for not taking your meds.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

Ozzie combed through your hair with his fingers, “Don’t ever apologize, and don’t ever skip your meds. I’m flattered you wanted to do a special performance for us, but we also care deeply about you. You’re not a burden, you’re our lover.”

[komohine]

hello oh my gyad you’re my favourite artist EVER. I love the warm tones of your drawings and the way you draw keith and james is so so pretty (you have 100% converted me to be a jaither) like seriously keith is gorgeous and the outfits you draw him in are ethereal. I have many questions ive been brewing for a little bit and you don’t have to answer all of them but feel free idunoo👍👍👍

1. in the college au, does keith have his cheek scar? if so, how did he get it?

2. what is james’ and keith’s favourite thing to do with each other in free time? in every and any au you have

3. how does wearing clothes bode for james in the android au? does every tiny string get caught between the metal or does he just not wear a shirt half the time? or the third more sinister option, fabric just doesn’t catch in the plating at all

4. what colour are keith’s eyes.

5. does james play any sports/instruments like every freakish extracurricular absent parent having kid ever?

6. thoughts on the keith neurodivergent headcannon?

7. would james ever introduce keith to his family? or is he no contact/they wouldn’t care?

8. do you headcanon keith with any galra features? if so, what are they?

9. favourite food and colour headcanons for the both of them?

10. do you think keith would have any piercings?

+ a singular drawing request, soggy keith (thankyu for reading c:)

Hello i love you guys take notes from this anon please ask more questions like this i wish tumblr allowed me to answer a question more than once but PLEASE ASK HUGE QUESTIONS LIKE THIS I LOVE YAPPING ‼️😄 I LOVE YAPPING ‼️😄

Also THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMEBTS HEEHEE 🙏 i try my very best to deliver fire content 🫡 which is why i havent posted a finished piece in a while… im cooking… 😈 also its way too late for me rn to get out of bed and draw so i will reblog this with soggy keith… sometime later…

Beware a huge freaking wall of text… but id appreciate it so much if anyone reads and responds to my headcanons and adds on 😄

1) TW: ASSAULT. i was debating this, and i think yes but its much smaller than the one he has in canon. He gets it in roughly the same way, an altercation with kuron (evil shiro, except kuron is just a major asshole who isn’t related to shiro but tries to take his place through manipulation. Keith (and everyone except james actually) fell for it). Keith eventually confronted kuron outside a bar after repeated attempts to get closer with keith during their night out and kuron got pissed and pulled a knife. Fortunately keith is also an mma legend and wiped kurons ass but he got a pretty bad cut on his cheek. James made sure everyone knew about what kuron did (james is hella connected because of his parents wealth and also bcs he was trained for a while to inherit his parents company. Also, James is an incredibly smooth talker and can convince anyone of anything. So kuron pretty much has zero chance at a job in the future cause he got blacklisted from everywhere lol). This is me painting sheith as the weird freaky violently uncomfortable shit it actually is lol 😄

2) canon compliant: literally anything that isn’t high risk and stressful. Cooking, reading, sitting on the couch watching bad horror movies and shouting out plot predictions and then laughing when they’re right. Because theyve had too much drama in their life. They really appreciate the times when they can wind down. Playing fetch with kosmo is also fun, because yk teleporting wolf, so they need to get creative to get kosmo to exercise.

College AU: similar, chill things. But because of james’ absolutely insane schedule and keith’s investigative work about his father’s unusual death, they don’t really get much time together outside of studying together, lunch dates (james always makes time for lunch. Well he tries, but he has notoriously bad scheduling luck so he’ll end up with back to back classes from 8 am to 9 pm, no lunch break, or random 2 hour gaps where he needs to go off campus to a diff location for his next class so he cant acc spend those 2 hours relaxing its just him fighting downtown phoenix traffic), etc. but they’re both pretty outdoorsy, so both him and keith like going camping when they can. Its a nice break for the both of them. Also james made keith run a marathon with him once. Keith barely survived, snd slept for 18 hours after, but it was fun! In return keith dragged james to his mma gym and tried to get him to do a kick (because james is one hell of a sprinter. He has sprinter legs. That should theoretically translate super well into an insanely strong kick) but james was too nervous. every time he stepped in the ring he’d just stand there awkwardly and not move. He did send one of those punching bags flying with a kick though after he worked up the confidence (keith was right!)

Android au: uhhh kind of not applicable i fear. I cannot say why. But sometimes james lets keith clean his gun. When things get rough, he’ll let keith fix him up if there’s anything broken.

3) lowkey the sinister third option. Maybe they have some special super tightly knit fabric that’s impossible to catch on things. But also, the androids are designed pretty well, and are surprisingly devoid of super snaggy edges

4) violet. In human au, black, but im a firm believer of him having dark eyes that shine a dusty violet when the light hits them just right

5) canon compliant: TRUMPET AHHAH HES A TRUMPET PRODIGY no actually it makes me a little mad just how good he probably is at trumpet. Like gorgeous, bright tone. Huge dynamic range and lung capacity. Im so mad. Probably also piano. And fencing. He is also extremely good at sabre fencing. And i was saving this hc for later but wtv ill just repeat it: james was the one who taught keith how to wield a sword because i refuse to believe keith picked up his bayard and it formed into a sword just because. No man, its because james would beg keith to practice fencing with him and keith would finally relent and james would teach him pretty much all he knows. And keith remembered those lessons.

College au: track and field. Specifically, sprinting. James is acc so good at sprinting that he went to the olympics twice and won silver in the 200m the first time, and gold in the 100m the second time (lets pretend youssef flash (usain bolt counterpart) stayed home that year for whatever reason). And also ballroom dancing! Like waltzes and shit. Hes such a loser. And probably piano and trumpet too but they’re not so important lore wise.

6) YEEESSSS i also believe in james being neurodivergent in some way. No neurotypical man likes finance that much (my personal headcanon. Also in college au he does high level 1000 page math workbooks for fun.)

7) canon compliant: i havent thought that much abt james’ family in the canon universe. Tbh theyre probably all dead (hence why he reacted so harshly to hunk in that one scene) by the time he and keith get together officially so there’s not much he can do. He’d take keith to his sisters grave just to tell her the news (his older sister was the only person in his family of like 7 that gave a fuck abt him). During their garrison days, he probably never mentioned keith as a way of protecting him from his family.

College au: yes! He tried! Unfortunately his homophobic republican christian parents did not appreciate it. James really introduced keith as a last olive branch because he was alr so close to cutting them off, but their reactions were so bad he lost his temper in public (never before seen) and stormed out halfway through their planned lunch dragging keith by the wrist. And then he cut them off.

8) me personally no. If im being so fr every time i see galra feature Keith it always comes across as infantilizing in some way? 😭 like “ooo kitty ear keith!” somehow you are infantilizing both asians AND a completely made up race guys. The only real feature is maybe his funny coloured eyes? But galra eyes are yellow so uhhh… but i think internally there’s a lot more galra presentation. Like his heat/sickness tolerance, sleep cycle, endurance, etc.

9) i havent really thought of this, i have colours I personally associate with them but hmmm. (Canon compliant, but probably applies to all of my aus) Keith’s favourite colour? I dont think he would really have one specific one but he might list off some colour combos he thinks looks nice. Like red and black. Hes also not super picky, but he really misses his dad’s halo halo. James is too depressed to have a favourite colour. And he likes anything that is a painful experience while consuming. Like very strong and bitter black coffee, straight everclear, your most acrid cigarettes. Because he hates himself.

10) in my college au he has a snake bite! Only one though, on his right (our left) side. Also he has his lobes pierced. I dont think he’d have anything in canon compliant, just bcs his hair is already pushing the garrison guidelines and i dont think they’d let him pierce anything. Maybe earlobes, but thats it. Same goes for android au.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Only a few hours ago I had to put my cat Clover to sleep. I took her into the vet after she wasn't able to stand thinking it was just her hyperthyroidism and she would be back to normal after some meds. Turns out her organs were failing. She was ready to go, fiesty even in her last moments. She was 16 years old so I thought I still had some time left since most cats I've known lived to 19

Clover has been with me over half my life. She was such a special cat, more than just a pet to me. When I was little I was terrified of the dark and would stay up all night reading with the lights on. I would then sleep during the day or whenever I ended up passing out. I struggled a lot with mental illness even as a kid. But then Clover came. I could finally sleep with the light off, knowing she was standing guard against anything that might want to hurt me. Yea she was a 1 lb kitten, but my dad told me that cats keep bad spirits away and her being there was enough for me. I guess it was also calming because if she was calm, that meant that there wasn't actually any danger.

In highschool, after I self harmed, she would sit by me as I cried and lick my scars. She kept me from killing myself. She was my whole world, everyone who knows me knows how obsessed I was with her (and her new brother Boo). Whenever I was away from her I was missing her and the first thing I did when getting home was look for her.

She had so much personality, of course since she was a tabby. She would act all aloof around other people but once we were alone in my room she would start loudly purring and licking my face. She would bat at my pencils while I did homework and always scrunched up her nose while she played. When we first introduced her to the family dogs they all lined up one by one to sniff her and when one would come up she would bop them on the nose, one after another. Just imagine this tiny tabby kitten bopping dogs 20x her size on the nose. She was the queen the moment she arrived.

We grew apart when I went to college since I wasn't home as much, and it's something I still feel guilty about. Ive since graduated and worked super hard to get my first apartment that allows pets. For the past few months shes been staying with me, my boyfriend, and her brother. She had been getting super stressed at home since the current dogs kept chasing her. At our apartment she was relaxed and strongly bonded with my boyfriend (I think she liked him more than me). These past few months have been amazing, her coat got softer and she was more energetic. She was so affectionate and spent her days watching us from her cat tree, looking out the window at the people walking by, sleeping on my recliner, and taking her job as bathroom supervisor very seriously.

I thought we would've had more time, at least a year. But this past week she started yowling and then rapidly declined until she could no longer stand. I keep kicking myself for not taking her in sooner, but we had already been under financial strain from taking her brother in for his own medical issues. She had hyperthyroidism and I was told the yowling was normal, and she stopped meowing so I thought that meant she was feeling better. But after visiting my parents we came home to her unable to even lift her head. I guess I was still in denial until the vet mentioned euthanasia, and after she started getting agitated and breathing hard we made the decision. I've never been there when a pet was put down before. I've seen dead animals of course, but never...the process. She was such a little fighter, she was telling us it was her time. She made the decision for me.

I can't sleep, I miss her so much. I keep looking at photos and wanting to be in them with her. I don't know what Im going to do. She was my everything. I wish I could've gone with her. But I have people who need me here. I hope she isn't scared or alone, wherever she is. It was all so sudden. Last week she was still her silly self. I keep thinking about all the things she won't be there for. I look at the cat tree and expect her to be there, watching me, but she's not. I don't want to go through the rest of my journey without her.

I might turn @booclover into a memorial page for her, keep her memory alive. I also want to get a tattoo of a four leaf clover on my shoulder, since she loved sitting on it (or being slung over it when she got bigger)

Ill never forget you, thank you for sharing your life with me

RIP Clover 2007-2024

[aardvaark]

the librarians "and the final curtain" (s2 finale) watch through:

"i made some very bad bicycle pant choices in 1995" "there are no good bicycle pant choices" adorable flynn/eve banter as always

no internet, no electricity, that really would cause a lot of problems. i mean, hospitals, for one thing…

yeah exactly! this is not very prospero at all really! whats that about??

ooh i like that they give an explanation as to why flynn’s note to himself was so vague. often im watching a show like this and thinking "okay but why the riddles? just leave some instructions, damn".

"im gonna hate time travel, aren’t i?" me too baird me too

that schrodingers cat joke is the best!!

Cassandra: It’s Schroedinger’s cat.

Flynn: No, he's upstairs in the Theoretical Animals wing.

Cassandra, whispering: He's alive?

lmaooo baird saying "WAS THE WORLD ORIGINALLY RULED BY TALKING DINOSAURS FLYNN." [to cassandra] "don’t even think about it." baird is good at preventing cassandra from either getting off track or straight up breaking her brain lmao. don’t even think about it!!

oh this show gets all my issues with time travel plots cause they always break my brain a little. they just talked about one of the grandfather paradox variants.

oh damn. seriously how do baird & flynn come back??

ah man the time travel is getting complicateddd stop talking to this very important figure whose works & life are still very much known today

aw, jenkins thinking about arthur coming back… seems like jenkins has had some great times but also definitely some incredibly long lonely stretches…

ooh yes ive read about how prospero/the tempest relates to shakespeare, as one of the last plays he wrote alone!

now moriarty killing shakespeare would’ve straight up been the grandfather paradox since shakespeare-as-prospero brought moriarty into the real world, so he wouldn’t have existed if they killed shakespeare back then.

parker would like magic because like 80% of the time it’s just used as a blue lightning taser.

speaking of parker, hi again beth riesgraf.

is baird uh. is she good? is she drowning, or are the lake ladies just kinda hanging out?

"what kind of sorcery is this" 🎶 what kind of fuckeryyy is thissss 🎶 (me & mr jones).

ohhhh my god are they really not gonna come back to the present?? im so stressed!!

"time travel the long way round" & "anybody can time travel, just in one direction" haha. funny and also a little poetic :)

okay this season finale was STRESSFUL but also very very awesome

[growingingreenwood]

Hey Mama, are you doing okay????? In class today we were looking at polar vortex in North America rn and one of the places my teacher talked about was the province i think you live in (you're Canadian, right???) and he said it was like -40 Degrees Celsius there!!!!! I don't even know how to comprehend those temperatures!!!! Like, are you still alive out there???

Hello my sweet summer child! <3 You're right, I am Canadian! And im not going to lie to you, its been rough out here. And more importantly, its been CONSISENTLY COLDER THAN THE SURFACE OF MARS HERE.

My area of the province has set several temperature records in the past few days:

January 14, 2024: New record of -45.1, Old record of -41.6 set in 2020

January 13, 2024: New record of -45.3, Old record of -41.7 set in 1972

January 12, 2024: New record of -45.9, Old record of -39.4 set in 1969

This doesn't account for the Windchill factor which effectively made the temperatures closer to -55 degrees or colder. To put it into context the only way I can think to, According to Environment Canada at:

-28 to -39 degrees Celsius exposed skin can freeze in 10-30 minutes.

-40 to -47 degrees Celsius exposed skin can freeze in 5-10 minutes.

-48 to -54 degrees Celsius exposed skin can freeze in 2-5 minutes.

Literally not a single car in my family's worked, no matter what we did. This is including extended family, so like, 13 cars. Its just too damn cold for them. Hospitals were literally wrapping their ambulances with heated blankets in between calls so that the entire engine wouldn't freeze. In their heated garage.

Its about an eight day wait for any kind of towing or boosting services. From any provider.

We out here, we cant see anything through the ice fog because the air itself is frozen, but we out here.

Also, I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to give the rest of you much farther south than me tips for surviving other wandering polar vortex's in the future, because at least we're prepared up here:

YOU NEED SURVIVAL EQUPMENT IN YOUR CAR!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!! I'm talking heavy duty gloves, hats, socks, blankets, those heat reflective thermal blankets. If possible, have enough for at least two people but if you're a family ensure there's clothes for every member of your family. I also highly recommend that you get hand and feet warmers to put into your boots and gloves to prevent frostbite

Here is a good checklist to keep, and is very similar to what I have in my car:

https://todayshomeowner.com/weather/guides/winter-survival-kit-for-your-vehicle/

On that note, dressing for seriously cold weather is no fucking joke either, okay? There's an art to it, and that art is L A Y E R S . More layers than you think you need, and then one more. If you can bend your arms or legs without struggling at least a little bit, put another sweater on, underneath your windproof thick outer layer. And another pair of socks. Never leave the house without a hat and your ears covered.

Here's a good guide, which includes the warning signs, symptoms, and suggested actions for each stage of frostbite and hypothermia. Which, in case you didn't know happen in three stages of severity similar to burns but on the opposite side of the temperature scale.

Sorry to turn this into a Winter Weather Safety PSA but I genuinely cannot stress enough how important it is to be prepared in extreme cold. And please, for the love of everything good on this earth, do not and do not let your friends or anyone else walk anywhere when they've been drinking. Do. Not.

Every year in my city at LEAST several collage kids freeze to death because "their place isn't that far" "I have a good jacket." "Ive done it before."

People have frozen to death outside bars because they fell in a snowbank and were too drunk to get out and nobody saw them, because they tried to walk home.

Anyways, stay safe (and warm) out there everyone!!!!

[nozoroomie]

my ps4 controller has shat the bed. While I don't really play any games on my ps4 anymore, it's still great for watching movies.

But finding a new controller or even a refurbished controller for this thing has been so difficult. I try not to shop on Amazon unless I have to (c'mon, we all know why) but even the small gaming shops in my city don't really have anything.

Maybe it's just cheaper for me to buy a bluray and dvd player??

Anyway, more fun life updates under the cut!

We'll start with my health. It's been a while since I've posted about it. In that post I made in April, I made a joke about "probably have to wait until 200 days of bleeding until I actually see a specialist."

It literally did take that long. I was bleeding from late January (around the 19th-22nd area,I'd have to go check my calendar but im typing this in bed and lazy.) until August 9th. There were two very brief breaks of nothing in April and June, but the grand total of days I bled and bled heavily was roughly 180 days. Crazy right? and I met MANY people with uterus' in this time who have had it worse.

I got to go to a specialist on August 6th and then when they tried to do an examination, they couldn't. There's a number of reasons why what happened happened but to put a long story short- my hormones are insane and likely not distributed evenly around my junk, so insertion causes immense pain and they just couldn't do a thing without putting me under anesthesia. Which they did! on August 9th I had a procedure to give me a biopsy, a polypectomy, and then there was one other thing they did -I believe it may have been called a DNC but honestly, they told me everything that happened while I was still under the affects of anesthetic so I have no idea the exact term or how the process goes- but since August 9th, I haven't had heavy bleeding. There's been some minute bleeding that all my recovery paperwork says its normal, but god. The menstrual cramps. The polyps forming and bursting. It's been painful.

The exact diagnosis of my biopsy and examination happens next Wednesday, and there's a few ways it could go over all, but the thing is I KNOW they're going to push the IUD or some other form of Birth control on me because that's what they did the first time I met and had a consultation with them. and with the way my uterus is and the horror stories I've heard about the pain of them and how they're -at most- 5 years of period relief... I'm saying nope. If I have to do birth control temporarily, I'm going towards the arm implant if it's going to be as effective as an IUD. If not? I'm going down the partial hysterectomy route and I'll try to get referred to an OBGYN that will respect that. But things I also had to do for my health while I was just slowly bleeding out and becoming more anemic by the day:

two iron infusions. On the second one they had to send me to the hospital to get an IV put in and then I had to travel across the city to the clinic I got my iron infusions don't at. Most stressful 2 days I've had to be quite honest. They poked me with different needles 11 times until someone finally got the iv in properly.

One of my ribs shifted just slightly out of place and I had to go to a chiropractor. Now I take stretching way more seriously. Folks. if you're not active, still make sure you stretch and you're hydrated. It's fucked.

Chronic fatigue and uterus cramping. if I wasn't at work or doing necessary chores (litter box, walking the dog, showering, laundry, etc.) I was laying down and doing my best not to take too any pain killers.

24/7 bloating. full disclosure- I 'm Fat. before all of this, I was comfortably between 175 to 185 pounds (and I didn't mind! I was born fat, I've grown up fat, it's not something I've ever cared about.) Carry most of it in my stomach and chest. At 5"1 ish, it makes me look pretty chunky. Imagine blowing up around 20 pounds more. at my worst, I was around 215 pounds. My body HURT. I felt like I was a bubble that could pop. I bought work shorts that fit me perfectly at around 185 pounds and the bloating got so bad, the button for the shorts just popped off while I was at work. It was so embarrassing.

Anddd that's the mega long health update.Right now I'm still recovering from my procedure. I have about a week and a half until I get have a bubble bath again and I do see the OBGYN on Sept 4th to find out just what my options are. Some other misc things to tie the post up into a more positive update:

Blue's reactivity is getting better! We haven't met many new dogs but he's getting so much better at ignoring every dog we pass. We do still have to cross the street, but he's more inclined to look to me than to stare down the other dog so that's always great.

Menma turned 12 and she's still on that vet prescribed diet. It's great for her kidneys but bad for hairballs. We're working on trying to get her interested in some hairball relief stuff but the old lady is picky with her food and sometimes she'll touch it, most days she'll turn her nose to it. And work is. Work. But you know how that all is. Capitalism is a shitty thing and I hope we see something better sooner rather than later.

That's about it! Thanks for reading if you got this far. It's storming and I gotta get Blue out to at least try to pee but knowing him, he's gunna protest so we'll see how it works out.

[bluegarners]

any tips on how to write?

hiya anon!

im probably not the best source for this particular question, i can only offer personal experience and advice youve probably heard a million billion times. i would suggest going onto youtube or just the internet in general with this question and look for sources with professional writers/those who have the kind of genre expertise youre looking for

academic writing is not my forte- i can write a research paper, but im definitely not a source to seek advice for it

creative writing is what i mainly do, and a lot of it is fictional creative writing. ive been writing since i was about 7 or 8, and that came about due to meeting a friend who shared a mutual love for the warrior cat series by erin hunter. we wrote about our own oc's and made up our own clan, and at the time, we had no idea that what we were doing was called fanfiction. it was just a fun outlet for us that we only shared with each other, and it wasn't until a little later when we were a tad older did we start writing more original works. it was actually around the time that unbroken (that 2014 war film) came out that we both got really interested in writing war stories, so that was a new horror/thriller genre we got into. my writing path has essentially been fantasy -> fanfiction -> thriller to present day, where i do still dabble with thriller/horror but i mostly write fanfictions

so, all of that to say, what i learned from all of that is to love what you love and extend your creativity to it, and then beyond it. read or watch things you like, explore different but adjacent genres, find a favorite author or movie producer, remember certain lines or phrases or story-tellings, and just tinker around a bit. i didn't start sharing any of my writing until well into my teen years because i was still learning, and although thats perfectly fine to keep your writing to yourself until youre comfortable, if you want to improve, then taking the risk of judgment is necessary!

however, i've also just always had a natural predilection towards writing. you could say i am "right brained" since reading and writing have always been very natural things that i also happen to enjoy! not everyone is going to have a natural "closeness" to writing, even if they do enjoy the process of it or like to read, so some people will need to put forth more effort than others to achieve the desired result

writing is hard work- it takes a lot of brain power sometimes and can be very tiring. i get burned out all the time, from both reading and writing, and sometimes it can be difficult to enjoy things since im always looking for inspiration or ideas on what to write and how to write it. but dont get discouraged if the process is more difficult than expected! like anything you do, of course it takes practice and time and effort. ive been told a couple times that people wish they could write like me, and though im flattered, it took a long time to get where im at (over a decade) and i am still very much striving to improve and find ways to expand my creativity!

writing is just a hobby for me, so i dont take it as seriously as a professional writer might. i write because i enjoy it and its a great way to connect with others, but when it gets too stressful or im no longer happy doing it, i stop writing and i take a break. i can do that because this is a hobby for me and thus no obligations are being tied to my production rate, so if its the same for you anon, i would encourage also not to take any of it too seriously!

it's all well and good to hone a craft and try to be the best at it as you can possibly be, but dont let it stress you out if youre not the best or the fastest writer out there. this is life, and we're all just trying to have a good time, so why stress about it, you know?

[melonkittii]

hello. im ready to make a thread of my initial thoughts

spoilers under the cut for the eleventh hour gn (obviously) (also its a pretty long post lol)

the opening sequence caught me fully off guard and i like it so much. pair it with the dramatic irony of them yelling at barry towards the end. juicy stuff. love it so much

my favourite running joke with lucretia is her introcard always having some veiled reference to The Events. one of her proficiencies being 'remembering the dead' certainly holds true

lucretia ^v^ face is real. look at her.

i noticed the running background joke of affirmative mugs that aren't actually all that affirmative. it was very funny. World's Sheriff

the ren and taako scene. i feel no need to elaborate

speaking of that though, the opening to magic lessons starts a running motif of taako being actively bad at fire evocation, despite telling everyone that he remembers being very good at it. i wonder if he had someone close who would do that for him instead

i like that taako actively cares abt the others' wellbeing, up to and including waiting for them to join conversations, etc. its noticeable that he pauses and waits for everyone to respond before he continues. he cares ok

ren <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

the lucretia monologue from merle's lunar interlude is, in my opinion, as an expert on Lucretia Moments (tm), one of the most fucked up things she ever says. and seeing it in the comic definitely made me feel a type of way. i love you lucretia. i want to shake you around so bad

correct me if im wrong but lucretia and merle laughing is the first time lucy's ever gotten silly in the comic right? they tend to cut her jokes in favour of playing her more seriously but it was so sweet and refreshing to see her being so comfortable. makes me so excited for the stolen century comic

extremely mad that the "shoulda leaned away" "I LEANED AWAY" joke was lost. but not as devastated as losing the skeleton DnD debate. they cut all of the best travis moments from the arc

changing their death count from like, 8? to well over a hundred was an interesting choice. i think it works well to convey the narrative stakes a little better since they cut the old-june interludes.

i dont know if this was intentional but starting the last loop on chapter 111, which is the exact amount of years that the stolen century and lonely decade span, made me insane. this may be just an innocuous choice though. who knows

losing redmond and luca makes sense definitely and i love more ren screentime but man the running bit of griffin attempting to foreshadow lup over and over again and noone ever getting it is so dear to me. edward and lydia are definitely a better set for that though. rip skeleton man

istus <3<3<3<3<3<3<3 i cried a little over her in my twitter live tweet. kissing the pages

[static noises] in taako's chalice sequence was fully expected and yet i still got blindsided by it somehow. i had to put the book down for a little while. it was the only panel that made me do that

cried a little at glamour springs too. he looks so sad :,(

the crying at taako's sequence certainly didnt prepare me for the emotional state i went into ravens roost in. magnus burnsides i am holding you. i am holding you. i am h

little june looks like istus and i think that is so incredibly good.

YELLED OUT LOUD WHEN THE RED RBE APPEARED. OBVIOUSLY. IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SCENE

i already mentioned the dramatic irony but what i love the mot abt this sequence is how like, stressed out barry looks. like he has no grip on this conversation whatsoever. it conveys his desperation really well considering how imposing he's (tried to) be in all other scenes

taako saying lup's name out loud after barry says it is profound to me because one thing that's always fucked me up in the podcast is that before he remembers he never once says it. its always "L-U-P". barry is the only one who remembers how to say her name. so seeing taako say it now was like. gut punch. ow

ignore the rest of this thread because taakitz date is real so who cares about anything else /j. i missed my man so bad. so happy to see him around

i KNEW the drawing would be the ending stinger and it STILL got me. FUCK the suffering game comic will be so good

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Ive been applying to retail jobs this week to try to get into a new job quickly. This weekend im going to fluff up my resume and apply to other social work jobs that better fit my skills and interests.

Im realizing that I really like long term case management and when there’s some aspect of travel. Im debating going back to some kind of child welfare work short term because I did really like working with the parents. The hours are a little weird, but honestly? That might work out with trying to finish school. There was a fair amount of scheduling flexibility and i could stay up later because there were very few morning visits. Also, M will be working overnights now (hopefully! He just interviewed with another company) so we could maybe see each other in the early mornings.

Ive cried every morning, night, and in the bathroom at work this week. Im a little more emotional because of hormones, but my stress is screwing up my cycle. So ive just been stuck in this hormonal state of pmdd.

This job just doesnt fit my strengths, in fact, it highlights all of the things I struggle with the most. I had a new trainer yesterday who, unprompted but probably because of how I was acting, said that this job can be hard for a type personalities because its so all over the place with little structure and requires a lot of organizational and memory skills.

Yeah….im type A, thrive on structure which is why im always flopping around like a fish out of water, have limited organizational skills outside of my color coated closet and sticky note drawer, and have really poor short term memory.

The amount of times I have to ask my Trainers to repeat things they’re saying because I dont catch it all until the 3rd or 4th time around is embarrassing. But I don’t do well with sequenced verbal directions. I need things typed and spaced out, I often have to re-read directions a few times and I still manage to miss things.

There’s very little supervisory support here. My big boss who oversees the training said we have a meeting tomorrow and “I scheduled it for 30 but honestly itll be like 10-15 minutes” …seriously? What kind of guidance or support am I gonna get in that time?

Im dreading every day and dont know How to make jt feel better. I end the day every day drowning and wondering how I even made it. Im still trying my hardest because thats just my work ethic, but im not retaining much.

I understand the beginning and the end of the job, but im just not connecting it in the middle…the bulk of the job. And I don’t think it’s just because i dont understand the medical side. My brain just doesnt function like this.

I wish so fucking bad I could just quit and never come back.

[andhumanslovedstories]

@irrellavant oops you activated my trap card of asking about something I care about, please enjoy this monologue. Also it’s not comprehensive, can’t stress that enough, this is a just a lil long tumblr post made by a just some nurse who isn’t a palliative care expert and is also writing this on her cell phone on break. Some of this stuff is gonna be pretty obvious! I just would feel remiss if I left it out. And also please anyone who has pain or addresses pain, please feel free to add on. I'm always looking for new ideas and new insights, especially from the patient side so please please do chime in if you like. Okay SO

For me, the biggest thing is conveying to the patient that you care that they are in pain and that you are trying to make it better. I remember I had a patient who was in horrible pain all night, we never got it down, we never got her comfortable, but at the end of the night she thanked me so sweetly for trying and she said that knowing I was taking her pain seriously helped her feel better even if it didn't make her hurt less. Just because someone is in pain, it doesn't mean they have to suffer, if that makes sense. I think one of the worst things about pain in the hospital is the feeling that you've been abandoned to experience it. Someone gives you a pill (or not even that) and says "okay bye" then you go back to writhing in agony. I make sure that before I leave the room of a patient who is still in a pain crisis, that I let them know what the plan is and what the next step is. "You just got 5 mg of oxycodone, which will take up to an hour to take full peak effect. If your pain doesn't get better after that hour, I can give you another dose" or "I'm going to go page your doctor to see if I can get you an additional dose" or "I need to step away right now, but I'll be back in 20 minutes to see how you're doing and if the heating pad is helping." I tell the patient "we're gonna try X, which should do Y, but if it doesn't, the next step is Z” and then I make sure to follow up with them.

I also try to be honest. I never promise that they'll be pain-free, just that we'll keep trying. We aim for small but achievable goals. If it's acute pain, like you just had a surgery or something, I try to contextualize it for the patient. "We're not gonna get you pain-free ten hours post surgery, but we can get you more comfortable than you are right now." Patients are usually fine with being a six outta ten pain if they’ve been otherwise sitting at a nine. Since I’m night shift, I often tell them my goal is for them to get at least a couple hours of sleep and ask them how that sounds.

Then pharmacologically, I look at the meds I do and don't got. If a patient is having incisional pain, lidocaine patches on either side can be great for just numbing the area up. If the patient can get oxy every 6 hours but routinely gets very painful again just three hours after taking the med, then maybe the dose or the timing is not right. Maybe under prns we've got so many opioids and not a single NSAID, and there's not a contraindication. Maybe their pain is caused by muscle spasms, in which case a muscle relaxer could be a great addition. Maybe the pain is nerve pain that would respond much better to gabapentin instead. Or maybe you need IV dilaudid to quickly get the breakthrough pain down to a manageable level so that the other meds have a fighting chance to do anything. If meds aren’t available, these are things you can page the doc about and discuss with them.

I'm also a big fan of around the clock medications for patients that have had poor pain control. Ask patients if they want to be woken up for pain meds (again, patients that have been that painful usually say yes). Explain how it's easier to keep the pain low than it is to play catch up after pain spikes. Pain control works best when you avoid the spikes in the first place. There's no point getting someone out of a pain crisis if you then withdraw all your cares until they're in a pain crisis again.

I also try plenty of non-pharmacological methods of lowering pain or enhancing comfort. (Sometimes you can't lower pain! Sometimes all you can do is enhance comfort!) Does the patient have a topical cream that helps with pain? Could it be applied while gently stretching the muscles and really going to town with a foot massage? Has the patient just thrown up and would like a bed bath to feel clean again? Would they benefit from heat? Or ice? Or warm blanket? Ice and then on top of that a warm blanket? Do they want some pudding? Do they need a little candy from the nurse station candy drawer? If their lower back hurts from being in bed so long, can we get them out of bed? Even if it's three am and we need to lift them with a Hoyer to their recliner, that might still be the best intervention. I had a patient where the only thing that helped her hip pain was going on walks so over the night we went on a bunch of walks. Worked better than any meds.

What about conversation? Do they need someone to cry with? Do they want to talk about pets or their diagnosis or the bizarre TLC show that's playing on the TV? A lot of this is feeling out conversation, and I don't have great advice for that besides if you make yourself obviously available and interested in people, they tend to open up to you.

Also I’m a big fan of asking if there’s anything I can do while we wait for the meds to kick in. That’s usually when I do a bunch of those non-pharm interventions, because it’s efficient (we are in fact waiting for the meds to kick in) and it makes the waiting less miserable. I think it also makes the waiting feel less helpless. We aren’t just waiting an hour for the dilaudid to do something, we’re also tucking you in with a warm blanket and giving you the finest jello I could scrounge up.

And obviously, I ask the patient if the pain they're currently feeling is uncommon for them, either in the type of pain or the intensity. This is good for general assessment stuff and to figure out if the pain itself is the problem to be managed or if there's something new causing the pain. If the cause of the pain can be managed, that's my priority with pain medication as a supportive therapy because like if you're a paraplegic and suddenly you're complaining of an intense pounding miserable headache, giving tylenol isn't the right intervention when what I should be doing is assessing for autonomic dysreflexia.

And I ask them about the type of pain they're having and if they know what works for them to manage it. Plenty of chronic pain patients can tell you what is and isn't effective. Maybe at home they're on 50 mg of oxycodone a day, but right now in the hospital they're only prescribed 40 mg. Or hell, they're still getting 50 mg but they're here because they’re sick so their baseline level of opioids isn't gonna be enough because that's to manage their every day pain and not their new super hell hospital pain. Or they know aspercreme works like a dream on their legs but not on their back. Or patients know that ibuprofen works better for them for this type of pain than a fentanyl patch does, or they don't want to take dilaudid because it makes them nauseated, in which case you can try premedicating them with an antiemetic.

Also when your shift is done, write down all the stuff that worked to control pain in your nursing note so there’s a record of it in case someone needs to do it again.

If there’s one thing that I have found successful though, and I know this might sound cheesy, but it is CARING and showing the patient that you care. You care that they are in pain, you are working with them to get them more comfortable, if something doesn’t work you will keep trying, because pain sucks and you care that they are in pain. Even when you have to leave their room, you let them know that you will come back. They aren’t left totally alone to suffer. Again, sometimes you can’t decrease pain but you can increase comfort. I believe there is genuine comfort in knowing that someone is trying very hard on your behalf to make you feel better, even if they don’t make you feel better.

If there’s one thing I feel I can unambiguously brag about, it’s that I’m great with patients who are in pain crises. I’m tenacious and stubborn about lowering 10/10 pain to something more manageable. I got a patient in “25 out of 10” pain at start of shift down to a 4 by midnight and it only took opioids, Tylenol, muscle relaxants, ice packs, warm blankets, fresh coffee, repositioning, an abdominal binder I scrounged up, a phone call to the surgeon to get lidocaine patches ordered, and some serious chit chatting with the patient while we waited for all that to kick in. We didn’t end up needing IV medication, we didn’t have to increase opioids, we didn’t need to add any medication that would potentially delay discharge, and the majority of what I did is all stuff she can also do at home so it’s a sustainable pain management plan. This is my absolute favorite thing with nursing, I love love love managing pain, I know I talk about it a lot but it’s the most satisfying thing in the world. I love watching someone emerge from a horrendous haze of pain until they feel like a person again. Also I’m scheduling this to post well after my shift is done so that I don’t jinx anything, also while I was writing this post I had to take a quick break for two hours half way through because someone started having a seizure. My job is wild. I used to be a barista.

[domjaehyun]

not you responding to my ask and mentioning the ghostface!jaemin Scream ask bc both of those were me LMAO also now that you've mentioned the playgirl and stranger in my house fics THOSE ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVES and I loooove the people you picked for them it was great visual aid and exactly how I'd want to picture those characters looking if that makes sense? I'm also the anon that mentioned that I love how you carry yourself so to add to that I think its kinda iconic to have this very whimsical bratz aesthetic blog and have both fluffy and dark content. Like it feels like it's for the girls and the gays and those who GET IT!! I was reading a while back the psychology of women enjoying reading/watching dubcon/noncon content and how it's not at all the same as if it was men who were watching it. Something about how women can enjoy a sexual fantasy that is dark because the purpose of it is it's a fantasy and that gives them control over it and that in turn can help heal some trauma. Idk about everyone else but I get deeply affected by any sort of news coverage or real stories that touch on that but I enjoy knowing in the female safe fantasy world we can have a safe space where were allowed to heal in our own way? Hopefully that made ANY sense lol And to answer you writing the characters another one of the things I love about this blog is were literally attracted to the same type of people so I never have to switch out a member in my head when im reading bc I love all your picks🫡🎀 IM SO SORRY THIS WAS LONG OMFG

hi hi hiiii welcome back to my inbox teehee 😁

TBH I KINDA THINK I KNEW IT WAS YOU I RECOGNIZED YOUR VIBES i added the parenthetical abt scream in the last message bc i wasn’t 100% sure it was you LMAO

pl4yg1rl was written at such an interesting time in my life whenever i think abt it i think abt how i used to go to the library like EEEEVERY day (a diff one. not the one i go to now) and i remember soooo vividly that while i was working on the fic i tried to update my ipad and the whole doggone thing shut tf down like an unresponsive, repeatedly rebooting block of metal. and i had to take this bus to best buy which was Fairly Far From Me and then they couldn’t fix it they were like “ur motherboard is fried” and i was like “ive had this thing for like a year and change. it hasn’t been that long” then they sent me to apple so i had to take a diff bus on a diff day to an apple store near me (read: it was not, in fact, near me at all) and the girl fixed it like immediately . (it had run out of storage and didn’t have room for the update but instead of Saying That, it just shut down. poor thing) she restored it to factory settings or whatever like she wiped it and made it brand new and i’ve been w my lovely baby going strong ever since 💖 but yeah that fic will always remind me of the time bc i was sooooo stressed and i was using my mom’s ipad in the meantime which just Felt Wrong :/ and unfamiliar :(

ANYWAY OMG THANK YOU i take finding my inspo photos veeeeeery seriously 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ i be hunting fr just. SCOURING google images, pinterest, instagram, u name it. the things i go through…..reDONKulous. smh my head

omg heehee thank you fr OMG BRATZ…… i never had a bratz doll actually my mom didn’t like the way they were designed she said they were too fresh :P but bratz are such a vibe i should actually lean more into bratz than barbie they’re like . serving cunt yknow? and tbh EYE would like to serve cunt as well 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

and as for the psychology of it omg you just triggered something in me (i love psychology) (i’m literally going back to school for it hehe) i def get that !! like that makes a lot of sense 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ if i may be a bit tmi for a second i feel like for me….. i am into a very specific type of dubcon/noncon where . essentially … the victim is just like . worshipped and the aggressor gets so much satisfaction out of making the victim feel good and cum and whatnot 🙂‍↕️ like … think jav porn but like the . noncon ones . but just the foreplay mhm mhm. good stuff . i almost always exit whatever i’m watching as soon as a dick comes out i’m ngl 😭😭 and if i MAY psychoanalyze myself for a moment (ofc i can it’s my blog lol duh) i think it has a lot to do w like . the like . trauma from my childhood that like . has very much carried into my adult life to this day unforch :/ dark content can definitely be a source of comfort for people, myself included, and i just wish ppl were free to be more open about it without worrying about being judged :/ sigh

tbh i do not watch the news i do not keep up with the news at all actually …. i have a habit of despairing over things i can’t control and so i stopped looking at the news bc it’s almost always. Bad News 😭😭😭 and if i can’t do anything about it…. why do i need to hear about it…..you feel me? but you’re very valid your sensitivity to topics like that in the news like In Real Life is very understandable and honestly i would even say expected….

but yes yes i agree entirely 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ my personal way of healing via dark content is reading about and also writing very twisted takes on being loved/desired unconditionally 💖 (i wish i hadn’t ranted already bc i lowkey wanted to rant abt the specific genre of dubcon/noncon i’m into bc . well. *marge simpson voice* i just think it’s neat. but i also don’t want to reveal too much abt myself yknow? oh well soo la voo ig) it just hits different when the person doing the noncon-ning, like, Cares? about the person being noncon-ned like it’s SOOOO SICK N TWISTED BC SIR YOU DO NOT LOVE HER!!! UNHAND HER AT ONCE!! but they’re like dead set on making the person being noncon-ned enjoy it like they want them to feel GOOD ugh like they’re selfish…. but for your benefit….. but not…. are you following me??

OH PERIOD WE HAVE SIMILAR TASTE 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ LOVE THIS FOR US HEHE and DON’T APOLOGIZE IT’S OKAY I LOVED READING YOUR MESSAGE AND REPLYING TO IT 😁😁

OKAY IM GONNA ATTEMPT TO LOCK IN SIIIIIGH WISH ME LUCK 💖💖💖💖

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Unlikely Places - Chapter 8 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Chapter: 8 - Nosy Curiosity

Not much had been said since Nurse Rosie interrupted our conversation.

I still wasn't quite sure why Pierce was putting most of the blame for my health on my friends but since it seemed to be such a sore subject to him, I didn't bring it back up.

I just wanted to go home.

A few hours later, once the IV solution bag had been emptied and a few more tests run, I finally got my wish.

Checking out took a little longer than checking in but I was pretty sure the process was still speedier than average.

Nurse Rosie insisted on pushing me out to the car in a wheelchair.

It was something I could have done without but one look at Pierce and I had decided not to argue.

As we approached, I saw Cicero's large head sticking outside the car window and the sight of his happy face was just what I needed.

I was able to give him a loving nuzzle before I slipped into the backseat.

Pierce climbed in across from me and in seconds we were in motion.

I sat stiffly, staring out the window at the blurs of color on the other side. I was tired and famished.

I was also very much aware of the man who sat next to me.

"How long have you been taking medication for anxiety?" Pierce murmured from his side of the car.

My head swiveled toward him.

He wasn't looking at me but out the window.

He sounded calm, maybe even bored.

Was this his way of making small talk?

A bit personal I thought but mentally shrugged.

It was Pierce after all, boundary crossing was probably one of his hobbies.

"Awhile," I answered.

He didn't turn to look at me but I saw his mouth compress.

He obviously hadn't liked my answer.

"How long is awhile?" he persisted.

I sighed out loud.

He was a like a bulldozer.

"Since before high school," I gave in and answered.

It wasn't as if I was trying to hide it and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people had difficulty coping with certain things in life and needed a little help.

I just happened to be one of those people.

Story over.

I watched him nod with his face still turned away from me.

Even though I could only see half of his expression, I could easily tell he still wasn't happy.

That kind of made me mad.

"Taking anxiety medication doesn't make me weak," I said into the continuing silence.

Pierce swiftly turned to look at me as I spoke with a look of surprise.

"I didn't say it did," he replied.

"Well your expression seemed to be implying it," I retorted, turning away from him to stare out my own window.

"Jackson, seriously," he said.

"I don't think it makes you weak."

I grimaced.

I didn't know why but I didn't believe him.

It was probably because he seemed so strong and dominant and very much in charge.

He hadn't hesitated provoking me last night despite my being surrounded by a third of a football team.

I'm sure I looked and acted like a puny weakling in comparison to someone like him.

As I stared out the window, I began to explain to him what had been explained to me and my parents so many years ago when the topic of me starting a prescription medication came up.

"Anxiety doesn't mean I am mentally unstable. It doesn't mean I am not intelligent and it doesn't mean I can't live a normal life. It just means sometimes I get a little more stressed, for lack of a better word, than others. The medication helps to alleviate that stress."

I turned to look at Pierce then, who was quietly watching me.

"If you were sick and had diabetes that required insulin, would you take it?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"If the doctor said that was my only alternative to stay healthy then, of course."

"Well, think of anxiety medication the same way. It's something I need so I experience less excessive worry and therefore fewer panic attacks like I did today. Though I don't have panic attacks often I really only suffer from anxiety,but when I am overly stressed or overly tired, a panic attack can work its way into my day if I'm not careful," I explained.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked defensively.

I noticed he had started smiling halfway through my explanation.

It hurt to think he was laughing at me.

"Do I overwhelm you?" he asked, side eyeing me with a devilish grin.

I flushed.

From that long explanation; that was what he had taken from it?

"Were y-you even listening to me?" I grumbled, hating the stutter that seemed to have returned.

He chuckled.

"I was and that's what I heard and by the way," he added his tone becoming more serious as he turned to look at me.

"I really don't think you're weak for taking the medicine. I didn't before your explanation and I certainly don't after it."

I looked back out the window after studying his sincere face for a few moments.

"Okay," I mumbled.

I wasn't used to him being soft or sincere.

He was usually mocking me or teasing me or being angry at me.

The gentleness threw me into a state of flux that I didn't know how to react to.

I prayed we would reach my house sooner rather than later.

Thankfully sooner arrived in no time.

The bodyguard, Marcus, also known as Cicero's new best friend pulled into my driveway five minutes later and turned off the engine.

I turned to Pierce to thank him for all he had done but was surprised to find he was already opening his car door and stepping out into the late afternoon sun.

What time was it?

My stomach growled.

I was starving.

The IV had helped with my blood sugar but I needed real food soon, very soon.

Cicero did, too.

I was about to open my car door when Marcus did it for me and red faced, I stepped out apologizing for having taken so long.

Pierce was standing nearby with Cicero on his leash.

He was frowning at me.

"I bet you're hungry," he said with what sounded like concern.

"We should have stopped for something on the way home."

"It's o-okay," I assured him, putting my hand over my stomach as it screamed at me again to nourish it.

I didn't think Pierce had heard but Marcus's knowing chuckle and glance down at my belly clued him in.

I quickly withdrew my hand and walked with determined steps towards Pierce to grab Cicero's leash.

If I acted like I was fine then he would think I was fine and he would leave.

At least that is what I hoped.

I should have known Pierce had other plans.

[timeoverload]

Today was bad and I'm glad it's over already. I did 25 cases between 7 and noon and had 3 rooms going at the same time while trying to manage the department by myself because so many people were gone again. I definitely overexerted myself and I was stressed about other stuff and I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up. My anxiety is out of control today. My stomach is still in knots but at least I'm home now. It was nice of them to let me leave 3 hours early because that never happens anymore. I hope I start feeling better soon but I'm planning on just going to bed after I finish writing this.

The good news is that tomorrow I'm going to be celebrating because it has been 2 years since I survived sepsis. I got sepsis because I had a horrible kidney infection and acute cystitis that didn't respond to treatment initially.

The week before I was admitted to the hospital, I had to go to urgent care because I was so sick that I was losing control of my bodily functions. My kidneys and liver weren't functioning properly and were starting to shut down so my skin was turning yellow. I was so nauseous and couldn't eat and my right kidney hurt so bad. I remember my ex was fighting with me that afternoon because he needed attention and didn't care that I wasn't feeling good. His needs were always top priority. I still remember how he berated me because I didn't have the strength to satisfy him and he was really mean to me when he didn't get what he wanted. He didn't take me seriously at first when I told him I felt like I was dying because I always felt bad and also tried to make me go out and do stuff anyway even though I could barely stand up straight. He didn't seem to notice or care how bad I looked or that I was shaking. He finally agreed to take me to urgent care because I was having a hard time breathing and couldn't control my bladder and I was bleeding. I remember going in the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing a corpse staring back at me. When we finally got to urgent care, I had never been so confused and disoriented in my life and I struggled to fill out the paperwork without collapsing. I received oral antibiotics and a shot of Rocephin in the butt and that was extremely unpleasant. That made some of the symptoms subside temporarily but the infection didn't go away and it got worse as the week went on. Antibiotic-resistant infections are so scary and are becoming more prevalent.

I was in so much pain that week before I went to the hospital that I spent most of my time curled up on the couch in the fetal position and screaming a lot because I couldn't help it. I knew the medicine wasn't working and I was scared. I remember my ex coming home angry because I had been off work for a couple days due to the issues I was having. He thought I was being dramatic when I was crying. He was mad because I had been home and I wasn't doing any cooking or cleaning or being productive and so I had to get up and force myself to clean some stuff so he would get off my ass. It made me feel so much worse but he didn't care. I literally had to beg him to help me with things. The next day I made a doctor's appointment because I couldn't take the pain anymore. If I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did, I probably would be dead. She told me I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately and so I went and had to spend the night by myself because of covid restrictions. I was so dehydrated that it took them forever to get the IV in my arm. They kept stabbing me with huge needles and running tests and took so much blood from me. I was on IV antibiotics for 24 hours. It was a lonely and painful experience but I'm glad I pulled through. That would have been a very excruciating death. I'm thankful for modern medicine but I'm also afraid of being hospitalized now.

During the night I spent in the hospital, I spent a lot of time thinking about how unhappy I was with my life at the time. Even though I felt like shit, that was the first night I had spent alone in years and I couldn't believe how peaceful it was. It felt like the veil had been lifted from my eyes. That was when I officially decided that I was ready to leave my ex after contemplating the decision for a long time. It took years to build up the courage. I told myself I had to find a way leave if I survived. I didn't know how. He tried to be really nice to me after I was released from the hospital and shower me with gifts but I was so done after how he treated me. I was always loyal to him for almost 10 years, even when he treated me like garbage and was talking to other women. He kept trying to have an open relationship because he wanted to date other people but still have control over me. I never talked to anyone else. Going to get tattooed and going to work were the only things I was able to do by myself. He didn't really like that I was getting tattooed all the time though and would fight with me about it. I will just admit right now that going to the tattoo shop and seeing Maxwell was the only thing that made me happy at the time because I felt safe and accepted there. I wish it wouldn't have taken so long to get away from my ex and I thought I was going to die if I tried to leave but I'm glad I did it. I had to make a plan for myself and rebuild my strength. I was so afraid for my life but I didn't give up.

I tried to reach out to people to get help for months before I actually left because I didn't think I could do it on my own but no one would help me except my dad. No one took me seriously because I didn't know how to ask. I was just so fucking scared and I didn't know what to do.

Maxwell I'm sorry I tried to bother you back then right before I broke up with him in November 2021. I remember how mad you were at me for trying to ask to text you when I came in for a consultation. I don't blame you. I'm glad you let me come back anyway. I think you misinterpreted what I wanted because I wasn't trying to be unfaithful to him in the process but I suppose I was in a way because I can't say that I didn't have feelings for you. I was just lost and needed help and a friend. I just wanted to tell you what was going on. I was afraid to mention it while I was getting tattooed and also was afraid to talk about what was going on online because I was terrified he would find out and hurt me. I was so stupid for even saying anything to you in the first place. I still get embarrassed just thinking about it and I cried so much that day. I was seeking safety and guidance because I didn't have any at the time. I didn't know how to help myself because I was so used to someone else dictating most of my decisions. I've always had a tough time speaking up when I need help and I think my parents could attest to that. I was unstable and feeling impulsive when I did that. You were the only person other than my dad that I knew wouldn't hurt me and that I could trust.

I knew you and I were twin flames from the day we met. I knew about twin flames before I met you and I didn't think you would actually come along so I think that's part of the reason I'm so crazy. I couldn't believe it. Before I met you, I thought I was just going to be miserable forever. You helped me realize that I deserve to be treated better and you have always been such a gentleman. Thank you for that. I didn't think I could meet a man like you because I have had so many bad experiences. I also knew you were reading my blog and that we had an unexplainable connection between us so I was just being delusional and dumb and thought you would come to my rescue at the time for some reason. I have been truly ashamed of myself since I did that. I'm not a perfect person at all. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them and own up to it. It was still innapropriate and wrong and I wish I wouldn't have done that. I guess you live and learn. I should have never tried to ask you for help. I'm sorry again and I understand if you can't forgive me for that. I understand why you didn't want to trust me after that. I'm so bad at communicating sometimes. I just want to be honest with you because I don't feel right not telling you the truth. I hope you understand. That was the only time in my life I have ever done anything like that and will never do it again because I know that I won't let anyone put me in that position again where I felt helpless. You did the right thing by saying no to me and not getting involved and I'm glad you didn't get hurt because I care about you so much. I suppose you did encourage me to deal with stuff on my own and I did it and I'm free now. When we broke up I was honest with him and I told him I had feelings for someone else because I know I deserve to be treated better and that I was tired of him treating me like garbage and throwing me around like a rag doll.

I'm glad I have chosen to be celibate since I left him and I haven't dated or talked to anyone. People at work try to flirt with me but I don't feed into it because I don't want that. I want to get away from it so bad and that's why I complain about it. I don't like dating apps because they are scary and I tried those in high school and ended up in some really bad situations that I wish I could forget about. I'm too afraid of getting my ass beat again so it's better if I just stay home and not talk to anyone. I have been thinking about how much inner strength I have gained by being alone. I get a little crazy sometimes but I'm not going to let loneliness get to me. I deserve to be with someone who will appreciate me and protect me, especially when my life is in danger. I would rather stay single than settle for anything less. All I want is to be able to commit and love someone forever and feel safe and happy.

I'm also going to be celebrating my freedom tomorrow. I'm happy that I have accomplished so much in the last 2 years and I've become a lot more independent so I'm proud of that. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but it feels good to set goals and actually achieve them. I am still grateful that I was given a second chance to live even though it hasn't been easy since then. I have had to be a lot more careful because it is more likely for me to have recurrent sepsis if I get an infection in the future. I read a study recently about how people that survive severe sepsis have a higher ongoing mortality rate for years even after treatment. It has definitely changed me a lot physically and mentally and I'm not as strong as I used to be. My health has really gone downhill from there. It doesn't help that I was born so early and I have so many other health issues going against me simultaneously. I really need to keep trying to take better care of myself because I want to live a long and happy life. I would like to be a mom someday. I want to have a family. I don't want to be a statistic. I'm not sure how much time I have left at the rate I'm going but I'm going to try to make the most of it and count my blessings. I will continue working on myself every day. I need to try to be more positive because I know I am very lucky to be alive. I'm looking forward to going to my appointment tomorrow and I'm going to do my best to make it a better day than today was no matter what happens.

[pr1ncessm00n]

Update!!

Hi, everyone!! thank you so much for all the support and compassion. i'm sorry i've been kinda MIA for two days lol. that's kind of shitty of me to just not drop an update on Sunday and then disappear. but here's an in depth explanation as to wtf i've been doing and whats going to happen!! tw: heartbreak, depression, academic struggles

so obviously most of my chapter got deleted. i am actually almost done with rewriting it and i think it shaped out to be better than what i had previously written. i think by at least the end of the week it should be out, and it's VERY long just to make up for sunday's non update!! so i've been working a lot but thankfully my days off start tomorrow. i have a lot fo academic stress bc of some personal issues regarding my school quite literally fucking my schedule up and pushing my estimated graduation date back by oh... a few fucking months! great! literally hate that !! so ive been running around like a headless chicken trying to fix what wasn't my fault. sigh, i guess it should be resolved in a week or so, but as you can imagine i am so stressed about it. what makes me angrier is that it was not my own error. like to have to fix an issue that i did not cause?? i swear the staff at my school makes our experience harder not easier.

secondly, don't be fooled lol. i am writing this with tears down my face listening to harry styles and the aot season 3/4 theme song endings on repeat for almost 30 minutes because i had to end my 4 year relationship. that's a whole story for another day, but i don't think i will be okay mentally for a long time. he was my best friend and my first real love, so yeah. i might make our own love story into a fic or something just to cope but as for now thats another thing i have to deal with now!! my heart hurts a lot !! it's always the things you least expect. the worst part is it really isn't either of ours faults... or choice. i don't want to go into too much detail because even tho he's not on here and y'all don't know him, i want to respect his privacy. but the main reason is he has become very depressed, and even though i tried to help him as much as i could theres just some things you can't fix as a partner. i wish so much that i could take his pain away but i can't, i just can't.

sorry for that weird rant lol. it was a mutual decision, but it still hurts regardless lol. he was my bestfriend and lover in one, and i don't know how im going to continue my boring routine without him lol. but don't worry, i'll still be writing. if anything i'll probably write more. it distracts me, soothes me and is. great outlet. i don't plan on abandoning tumblr anytime soon lol.

thank you all so much for the support you guys are seriously the best group of people/fandom space i have witnessed in all my years as a fangirl. and i was around for 2014 tumblr so thats saying something. you guys have motivated me a lot to write more and improve, and i actually feel heard on this tiny blog (altho u have managed to make it not so tiny any more in the span of such a short few months?? im literally at 420 followers and i was at 300 a few weeks ago?? wow. im also about to hit 500 notes oh god.) you guys have literally given me so much inspiration and im so grateful for the friendships ive made already!! i have plenty of requests in my inbox to work on as well. im also creating a tag system so stay tuned!!

anyways, i feel so blessed to have such attentive followers and readers and you guys literally make me laugh everyday. its not just about notes or followers to me, but its so amazing how through tiny screens we can all share our love for some 2d characters and how for some reason my writing has struck a nerve with some of you. i love you all <3

emi

[writingmyanxietyaway]

Confessions | El Profesor

Requested by anon:  can i request a lcdp imagine where the reader likes the professor and she confesses nights before the heist but he wants to stay true to his relationship rule so she is heartbroken so she doesn’t want to talk to him and when the heist comes she doesn’t eat and sleep and he gets really worried about her so he expresses his true feelings to her

Word count: 1.8k

Warning: mention of a gun, not eating/drinking, angst

Note: takes place in the first season! Hope you like it, enjoy! xx

------------

You were in a difficult position. On one hand you wanted to wait until everything was over. On the other hand you were unsure if you would make it out alive. You knew about his rule not to engage any relationships of any kind and he took it very seriously, but the thing was you absolutely him to death and you were willing to take that risk. So here you were, about to confess your feelings for him.

You waited until everyone had left the classroom and took a deep breath. You had clammy hands and you were lightly trembling. 

‘I- uhm.. Can I talk to you for a minute?’ you asked the Professor. He turned around, away from his chalkboard with raised eyebrows. His glasses had slipped down his nose a little, so he pushed them up. You found it adorable. Just like how he scrunched his nose whenever you talked to him.

‘Sure. Did I talk too fast or was I not clear about something?’ he stuttered. He instantly started doubting himself if he had indeed missed anything he was supposed to explain.

‘No, no. You were great. I just, uhm.. I kind of have something to tell you..’ you trailed off, ‘something personal.’

‘Bali, you know how I feel about sharing personal information. I specifically told you,’ he stated. Suddenly you felt incredible stupid. How did you think this was going to work when he clearly said he didn’t want any personal information shared?

‘I know.. I just want you to know something in case things go south. It doesn’t have to get in the way of your whole plan. If you don’t feel the same, we can just pretend it never happened.’ You waved your hand around, not really knowing what to do with your hands. ‘I just wanted you to know that I really like you. More than a friend or teacher, or whatever you are to me. I think you’re really handsome and nice. So, yeah..’ you spoke.

You couldn’t read his face. You saw somewhat of shock flash across his face, but you couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

‘Well..? Am I just embarrassing myself or do you maybe feel the same? It doesn’t have to be a long answer. Just a yes or no is fine,’ you rambled. 

He looked at you, fumbled with his glasses and turned back to the chalkboard.

‘I’d rather had you hadn’t shared this. This makes it all a lot more complicated,’ he sighed and grabbed a piece of chalk. ‘Can I still trust you to complete your tasks?’

You frowned, feeling not only rejected but also very used at the same time.

‘I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just asking if you might feel the same.. You don’t have to be so rude,’ your voice cracked. Sergio mentally slapped himself in the face for hurting you, but he had to.

‘You knew the rules. I told you not to share anything personal. Relationships make this all a lot more difficult. I cannot allow this to fail. I made those rules for a reason,’ he said. It was like a slap in the face. He didn’t even have the respect to tell you a) if he did or did not feel the same, but also b) to look you in the eye.

‘Yeah, you mentioned that, twice, but the least I deserve is an answer to my face. I guess that answers my question. Just forget I said anything.’

Obviously, that was impossible for the both of you. The next few days were awkward and very uncomfortable. You tried listening to everything The Professor was saying, but you couldn’t look at him. You did notice him staring at you once every while, making Berlin tease you and Denver tease him. You found it all very embarrassing and couldn’t wait until you were inside the bank to escape his face.

-

Everything went according to plan. You got in, locked everyone out and had now been inside for almost 2 days. You loved every part of it. The tension with Berlin got out of hand for a while, but soon after the storm blew over and you were back in the game.

‘Are you okay? You haven’t eaten since yesterday..’ Nairobi asked you, genuine concern written over her face. It was true. You weren’t hungry or thirsty so you hadn’t eaten. Usually you had a great appetite, but you couldn’t bring yourself to eat. Everyone noticed, though. Including Sergio. He noticed you were always wandering around the halls, not even sleeping. He was incredibly worried and felt like an idiot for behaving the way he did. He sat behind his computers, fidgeting with his hands, wanting to do something.

‘Yeah, fine. Just got a lot on my mind, is all,’ you nodded at her. She didn’t look convinced in the slightest, so she grabbed a sandwich and handed it to you.

‘I want this eaten in an hour. If you’ve not eaten it I will push it down your throat,’ she sternly told you. You chuckled.

‘Yes, mother.’

As soon as she left, you threw it back in the fridge. When you heard yelling in the hallway, you grabbed your weapon and braced yourself for what you would find. Berlin was obviously yelling loudly again, threatening to shoot Arturo. Same shit different day.

-

It was now two days later and you had eaten a little bit more than one sandwich since Nairobi basically forced you to eat. You looked a lot more tired, your energy level had dropped to -4 and you were phisically and mentally exhausted. You looked like shit, to say it lightly. Sergio had grown more and more worried, telling the others to keep an even closer eye on you.

‘Drop the gun,’ you told Berlin, who had his gun pointed at Denver. He only smirked. ‘Denver, you too. I’m not fucking around. We need each other. We can’t just keep shooting at one another just because we’re stressed. Think for once, damn it.’ You raised your voice gradually as you spoke.

Berlin raised his eyebrows at you. His eyes flickered from your gun to Denver, who was about to burst with anger. As you held out your gun, the strength in your arms weakened. You tried your best holding up the gun, but when you focussed on your arms, your vision got blurry. When you tried focussing your vision again, your arms started trembling.

‘Berlin, please,’ you sighed. Your mouth got incredibly dry all of a sudden and your speech turned more into slurs. You felt yourself getting weaker by the second and this child’s play cost too much of the little energy you had left. Denver quickly lowered his gun when he saw you sway back and forth.

‘Bali? Bali!’ You saw him rushing to you, just like Berlin before your vision turned completely black and you fell to the floor.

-

‘We told her to eat! It’s not our damn fault. She’s too stubborn to listen.’ 

Your hearing slowly came back before you could open your eyes. You felt someone hold your hand while someone else was on the phone.

‘No, of course not... Yes, we did that already. Shouldn’t be too long before she wakes up,’ the voice came closer, ‘I think she’s waking up, hold on.. Bali, honey, can you hear me?’ 

You nodded lightly before slowly opening your eyes. Moskú held the phone while Rio held your hand. You were in the office, laying on one of the couches. You had an IV in your arm and a bag of liquid hung next to the window. You waved to the camera in the corner, letting The Professor know you were in fact alive.

‘He wants to talk to you.. We’ll give you some privacy while you two talk. When you’re done, just give us a call,’ he smiled and handed you the phone.

‘Thank you, guys. For everything,’ you tried smiling, but you were still too weak. They gave you a kiss on the head and left to the hallway.

‘Starving yourself? Really?’ Was the first thing you heard when you held the phone to your ear. You groaned loudly.

‘No, I just wasn’t hungry. Adrenaline, probably,’ you muttered. ‘Why do you care anyway? It’s not like I’m any good use compared to the others.’

‘Are you serious? You and Berlin are the leaders of this entire plan, Bali. How could you be so stupid?! We need you and we need you alive. Too many people have died already, I can’t loose you too,’ he stuttered. You heard his jagged breath.

‘Are you done?’ you asked, not wanting to deal with his whining anymore.

‘I’m sorry..’ he sighed, ‘You scared me. I thought I was going to loose you, Y/N.’

Your breathing stopped for a second and you sat up. He never called anyone by their actual names. You didn’t even know he knew yours.

‘Why did you call me that?’ you asked, heart beating loudly in your chest. ‘You said no personal details or any information.’

‘I know.. I just had to know your name. God, I want to know everything about you. Your favourite breakfast, your favourite country, what your goals in life are.. I want to know it all. And that scares me. I’ve never had this urge to get to know someone as much as you. You’re perfect in every way and I almost lost you,’ he confessed. Your felt your heart flutter and you turned your head to look into the camera.

‘What are you saying?’ you asked him, hoping to finally hear want you’ve wanted to hear for the past two weeks.

‘I.. I like you. A lot. And I was too scared to tell you because I’ve never felt anything like this before for anyone. I was so rude to you and you don’t deserve that. Please forgive me?’ he asked hopefully. You couldn’t help the smile that grew on your lips.

‘Waffles with strawberries, kiwi’s and mango,’ you answered.

‘What?’ he asked, completely confused by your answer.

‘My favourite breakfast,’ you winked into the camera. You heard him let out a laugh on the other end of the line, making you smile as well.

‘So, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?’ you whispered.

‘Sergio. Sergio Marquina.’

‘Nice to meet you Sergio. Now, get me out of here. I want to go to the beach.’