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#also it's not even consistent sometimes I'm like ah yes family member I haven't seen in ages I wonder what he's up to
swinging-stars-from-satellites
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4 months
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I hate when I get into these phases when once I process through one thing causing me anxiety there's another thing right behind it
#we've moved on to ye olde ''what if i have repressed memories and horrible things have happened that I don't remember''
#which...
#like...
#to some degree you have to go with a schrodinger answer. like... it's inherently not true
#but the weird part is that I have weird anxiety when I think about certain family members bc of this
#but when I'm actually around them it's no more uncomfortable than any family member you're not around often
#so I'm like OH NO WHAT IF SAID FAMILY MEMBER WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS DID SOMETHING TO ME
#BUT I REPRESSED IT
#and like... a what if is just a what if. do I believe it? no. do I fixate on it and get wildly afraid? sometimes
#also it's not even consistent sometimes I'm like ah yes family member I haven't seen in ages I wonder what he's up to
#and then other times it's like I'VE HEARD SO MANY STORIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS RAPING THEIR NIECES AND STUFF
#WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME
#actually I feel like watching law and order SVU made a lot of these anxieties worse like that's part of why I stopped watching it
#bc it exacerbates a lot of anxiety my mind tries to throw at me
#anyway I do not actually think any family member has done anything and I don't actually believe I have repressed memories
#or else I would have probably brought it up to my parents. I'm still like ''ooogh anxiety monster what if?'' about it tho
#which is why we have philippians 4:8!! is is true? categorically due to being a ''what if'' anxiety — nope!! okiedoke moving on
#k I just needed to talk through this I'm done now
#*I'm barely any more uncomfortable than with any family member I haven't seen in a long time
#(tbf I'm generally less comfortable with my dad's family bc 1) no female relatives other than grandma and 2) I see them way less often)
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