#also if I see that post again I'm totally blocking whoever put it on my dashboard I do love blocking people for no reason

[belluzinhaa]

it's been weeks since I've seen that post about Oppenheimer saying something like "if your movie can only be appreciated in an 30 feet tall screen than maybe it wasn't very good to begin with" but I'm still pissed. what a disrespect for film as an art form man. what a lack of understanding of the matter.

you watch a 3 hours movie on a 5 inch screen then complain it wasn't good? like really? be for real. while you're at it please do me a favor and print out the shittiest picture of the Mona Lisa you can find and hang in your wall then try to appreciate it.

and you know what? movies not only ARE meant to be watched in the theater, but are MADE to be experienced in them. I'm sorry if you don't like it or it isn't in your budget or you couldn't be bothered to create the bare minimum conditions for a movie to be properly appreciated the way it was intended to be or you don't have the attention span or something. art demands effort dumbass.

[back-on-my-autistic-bullshit]

Parkciv Species Headcanons Results!

It's been a few days since I closed the google form to responses, and I've finally finished consolidating all the information into an easy to read format! The post gets a bit long and there a decent amount of images beyond this point so I've put in a read more, if this information interests you - look below :]

To anyone who hasn't done the form and wants to you can find it here. After posting this I reopened it to responses but unless it gets a lot more responses I probably won't post about this form again.

Oh and, before you read:

General Info

In total the form got 42 responses, including my own. Of these 42 responses, 35 answered every question in the first two sections. Six different characters were mentioned with a headacnon that I missed, but they were only mentioned once.

I made a pie chart for each question. If your answer was a joke answer (there was a few of those, they will get honourable mentions later on - because they were funny) or not able to be easily categorised/summarised they have been defined as "other".

Major Parkour Civilization Characters Charts

Note: the "+ 2 others on pkv's chart includes: species apathetic + other, I didn't realise the image cut them off whoopsies

Minor/Background Parkour Civilization Characters Charts

Missed Characters

The following characters and headcanons were manually entered:

Fire Pro - Alien

(Amethyst) Fighter Ally - Cat Hybrid

Purple Pro(/Sonic?) - Hedgehog (with two sets of ears)

The Old Woman from The Library - Humanoid but not neccesarily human (the exact phrasing used was: "same not-quite-human as the old man")

Ice Disc Challenge Gateway Fighter Guard - Golden Retriever

Ice Disc Challenge Fighter doing the Ice Disc Parkour - Black Cat

Trivia and Extra Info

Parkour Villian/Clownpierce is the character with the most different species, ranking in with 20 different options - excluding other - and this did make the spreadsheet hell to organise but I dug my own grave with that one

From a statistical perspective (because, yes, I did the math), Evbo's Noob Neighbour is the character with the most agreed upon species - that being Human. The opposite of Clownpierce and saviour of my only shred of sanity left/silly

Cookie God is the only character who doesn't have a single answer as human. (No it's not EMF or House Selling Master, they both had one answer as human sadly)

Seawatt is the only character with a two way draw between species as a final result. Those two species are Sphynx and Human - both having 10 votes or taking up ~23.8% of the pie chart. Sphynx is also my own personal headcanon that I've never actually seen anywhere else prior to this and was the only reason it's listed, so it's nice to see people agree :] even if it might be due to a bias as the option was listed and didn't have to be typed in shhhhhhh

Honourable Mentions to:

The person who said Seawatt is a vampire. You're the only one who is right, ever (/j)

The person who put The Evil Champion down as a rooster because they hate chickens. That got a laugh from me

Similarly, the person who said The Evil Champion's species is "white" and nothing else

Whoever said "cocklit chip" for Cookie God because haha cock. My humour is very mature

One answer for The Ice Legend being "son of frosty the snowman and elsa. no im not taking criticism at this time". Understandable, but how dare you not ship Elsa with Jack frost from Rise Of The Guardians (/j)

Whoever said Deepslate with no further explanation for The Neo Legend. I respect it but what does that MEAN/lh

The answer "gleep glorp :]" for House Selling Master. Gleep glorp :]

Whoever answered "Woman😱" for Ice Block Master. Your answer lives rent free in my head, Woman😱 indeed

[foster-the-world]

Such a great invention

Cereal is such a great invention. I'm a big fan.

Did a home exchange in CT this weekend. A beautiful home on the same block as the ocean. It was scheduled to rain all day Saturday - so it was an extra nice surprise to have good weather. We hiked on a lovely trolley trail, went to a great park on the water, and went to a brewery with plenty of space outside for the kids to run around. Baby boy was a champ. He fell asleep on the ride up there. When we arrived he was freaked out. Holding on to me for dear life. Was running around touching everything within a few minutes. We put him in a pack n play and not a peep of complaint. It gives me hope for our upcoming Utah trip.

While eating breakfast Bee, baby boy and I were alone because my husband and Rebel went to the bathroom. Out of nowhere Bee says "You know whose in charge of me. It's not you. You aren't my Mom. It's not Daddy. It's (-insert her Birth Mom's name)." I kind of expected her to say this type of thing if we made her do something she didn't want to do but not out of nowhere. No recent adoption related happenings, family visits, etc. She's yet to meet her Mom. I was taken aback but I think handled it well enough. I reminded her why her Mom can't take care of her. She asked when she was going to live with her, again. I told her she wasn't going to, why and how she would always be in our family. I told her I know it's confusing and that we understand if she is mad or sad about it. I told her that my Husband and I are always willing to talk to her about it. She can come to us anytime. I tried to keep my response very neutral. I wanted to be truthful while letting her know we support her no matter if she is happy or not happy about being adopted. I partially think she was testing out waters to see how I would react and partially think it is just confusing for a five year old. Who knows? She dropped the topic and was up dancing around the restaurant seconds later. We drove to a hike where she was hugging me, telling me she loved me, etc. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all. I know it's not a personal attack. I know she loves me and is well bonded in our family. It just makes me feel sad that she has so much she has to figure out. So many things that are no fault of her own. It's a lot for her to have to process. I only want all of the good things in life for her. She's only five - she shouldn't have to sort through all of these things and the feelings they bring about. The day she was born (actually sooner) she already had to deal with so much. I hope she knows her Dad and I support her and whatever feelings she has. Will teach her sister to do the same. And I think/hope that it will help her to have a brother who is also adopted. Although I know he may have totally different feelings about his experience.

An adult adoptee in one of the Transracial Adoption group recently shared his thoughts on how adoptive parents talk about birth parents. He said in the 60's/70s Birth parents were either not allowed to be talked about (are you even a parent if "we don't talk about Bruno" didn't pop in your head??) or they were described as complete villains. He mentioned how in some adoption circles the pendulum has swung to the complete opposite side- now you are only allowed to rave about amazing Birth parents regardless of what they've done. I've thought about that post so many times over the past few months. I hope we can walk that line - of being truthful without turning anyone into a villain while also not acting like everything was perfect. Bee can be as mad as she wants to be at her Mom, us, whoever. In some ways, she got a bum deal and she's allowed to be super pissed about it.

[arcadejohn127-9]

Sorry the post reached its word limit so I have to add the undateables in a different post! Happy valentine's everyone!!!

Pt.1 = Demon brother's

UNDATEABLES↓

Diavolo:

Mini golf, it was both surprising and unsurprising

He was able to ditch the suit he wore normally to more comfortable clothes

Enjoying the strange golf courses Wincing everytime he shot one too far and completely lost the ball

You were getting better scores than him and he a better player!

"will you guide me on this one? I think I'm going to hit it too hard again."

You smiled, happily moving behind him and putting your hands on his

You helped him control his swing and to no surprise it was a perfect shot

"perhaps I should guide you every turn, you're a pro."

"if it isn't (Y/N), who's this? I don't think we've met."

"go away, I don't have time for you."

Dia immediately recognised your ex, hiding his annoyance behind a smile and shook their hand

"I'm their boyfriend, we're currently on a date, so if you'll excuse us."

He tried to usher you both along but your ex grabbed his hand

"let's not end this so soon, I was close with them, don't you want to share stories?"

"No-"

"I'll go first, as an ex wanting to help you out! Don't bring up a single issue to them, they won't help you at all, they always told me I was overreacting."

You groaned, clutching your golf club tightly

"because you were, threatening to hit me over not wanting to hear you complain about your side girls not texting you back is an overreaction."

"always spinning stories! This what I mean, you just need to be prepared to be in that kind of relationship with them, they'd only Respond to yelling."

"you're the only one who would listen when yelled to and would just yell at me because you could, you're a horrible person and you should leave right now-"

You wanted to hit them with your golf club, fuming at how they talked about you

"they've been very good to me and I've never had to raise my voice at them, perhaps you were the issue."

His voice was still so kind that your ex almost didn't realize what he said

"such a shame they've already gotten to you - oh we need to move, watch me play okay?"

They winked at the demon, strutting off to their new golf site

"let's play but I won't bother you to guide me."

"it's no bother-"

Dia took a strong strike, the ball flying off and hit your ex in the head

But another flying golf ball was already being sent their way

"Sorry! You just look like target with seeing how much you open for mouth, here I'll give you my club as an apology."

He 'accidentally' did it too hard and sent his club flying in their direction, they just missed it

They screamed at him for being crazy but he just kept his sweet smile

"so you're actually a great shot on your own."

"guilty, I just wanted you to hold me."

Barbatos:

Aquarium, it feels fitting seeing he's also a serpent demon .

You held his gloved hand, pointing out towards the colourful fish that caught your fancy

"there are remarkable species I'm sure you've yet to have seen in the Devildom, Perhaps I'll take you to see them."

"really??!! I'd love to!"

He admired the dolphins that swam across the open space around the hallway, watching the way it delved back into the water

"this is embarassing, is that really you?!"

"oh no...."

"it is! When I found you disappeared I thought it was because of me! But here you are and with you're- whoever this is."

"I'm the boyfriend."

He nudged you away from your ex, his mood already sour

"boyfriend?! Already...? What a shame you moved on so quickly, I've been thinking about you."

They caressed the side of your cheek but you just slapped their hand away

"yeah right, leave us alone - I don't want to be around you."

"don't even think about insulting them, are you really going to bring up the past as a way to hurt them just because they've refused you?"

"h-huh-?! What are you- I wouldn't do such a thing!"

"oh...? So you weren't thinking of bringing up the time they use to 'love' you Touching them and was just 'shy' about it? Knowing it'll get a rise because you know that they didn't like your touch."

"how did you-?!"

"I know alot about you and what you plan to do, it would best you step away now before I set your fate in stone - swimming with the fishes."

He towered over them, their back pressing against the tank glass,

their eyes glancing to the fishes behind them

They let out a nervous laugh

"right....well I'll be going then, goodbye (Y/N)."

Solomon:

A fire works show - meant you could spend the mornings doing whatever you want but the night?

That's when you two went Speeding

You kept your scarf close to your face, it being a chilly night

You kept your hand intertwined with your boyfriend's, in awe at the fireworks

"They're not very close are they? i could make fireworks."

He shook his star wand, you were thankful it looked like a toy

"Sol, you can't just use magic when there's a small inconvenience."

"fireworks-!"

Soon enough fireworks came bursting out closer to where you two stood, still a safe distance away but seeing as you didn't get the best spot in the crowd

It was much cooler to see them closer

"No way!!! You're back in town?! I thought you left for good!"

It was almost hard to hear your ex over the fireworks

Solomon gave them the side eye as he clutched your hand

"I know have devastated you were after the breakup, seriously didn't think you'd disappear, I bet that you died or something!"

"do you have nothing better to do?! I'm trying to enjoy the fireworks with my boyfriend."

"Him?! You going for witchy hippies?! Wooow your taste has just stayed shit, hasn't it?! This is why you need me back, I actually gave you good taste!"

"You made me listen to country rap that all sung about beating women - I've upgraded!"

You shuffled closest to Solomon, ignoring your ex as they kept trying to pester you

"Can you stop being such a- are you kidding me?! You're never going to change- don't - ignore- you stupid bi-"

The more they began to yell the more powerful fireworks Solomon set off

Almost completely blocking out you exes screams

It got to the point there had to be a fireworks break due to how hectic it got

"this is dumb, I'm leaving." They huffed as you continued to ignore them

"how fortunate, I'm sure I could of started a fire from all that."

"like a fire would of stopped you, thanks for blocking them out."

He kissed your cheek, smiling

"my pleasure~"

Simeon:

He took you ice skating, unfortunately you were terrible at it whilst he was fine

You were both wrapped up warm as he helped you skate across the rink

Your legs wobbled and you slid to face your almost fell over

"hahah, you're adorable but don't worry, you'll be a master of it by the end of tonight."

You slowly got the hang of it, gripping his arm whilst he just smiled, enjoying being so close to you

"i think I got it-! Wait no no no don't let go!"

Just as your small victory gave you a big smile it immediately dropped when your ex skidded over

"What are you odds of you being here, I see you still can't skate."

"so what? You want to bother me about skating? Why not go back to your girlfriend and leave me alone."

They just laughed

"so insistent, if that's what you want~"

They skated past you, bumping into you and you immediately went flying into the ice

Happy you kept your hands close to your face as another skater zoomed by

Simeon hastily helped you back up, dusting Ice off you

"Let's sit down, maybe they won't be here for long."

He helped you off the ice and you both sat on a bench, he got you a warm drink before sitting down

But it wasn't over, your ex coming to where you were sitting still in the rink

"sorry about that, it was a total accident I swear - tell me (Y/N), what made you come here? I bet you were stalking my page again, wanted to see me?"

"no, I just wanted to have a date with my boyfriend."

"It would be best you left us alone, your presence clearly isn't wanted."

"neither was your opinion, from past lover to new, watch yourself because they will destory your heart and your life - nothing will ever be comfortable or happy with them."

"that is untrue-"

"really? Is it? We all know they just like to use people for their kindness and leave them because of a stupid mistake - don't you understand what parties do to people? Huh?! I'm glad I got with her at that party because she's a better partner than you ever were."

You pounded the side of your first to the table, glaring at them with tears in your eyes

"you cheated on me and blames it on alcohol, when I forgave you - it only made you feel happy to keep going back to her! Don't talk to me like you're the victim-!"

Simeon, rubbed your back, frowning at your ex

Your ex just scoffed, skating off

Your boyfriend suddenly stood up and began to march over to the rink

You tried to ask what he was doing but he didn't respond, quickly skating over to your ex

When he caught up he skidded so far they got covered in ice, grabbed your ex with a smile

And suddenly, you didn't see what happened but your ex screamed, darting off the Ice trying to get away from Simeon

When he finally came back he took a sip of your drink and smiled

"let's head back on the ice, I still have to make you a pro."

[bookofmirth]

Hi

I'm not up to date with all the drama in this fandom bc i tend to scroll past it. But being a reader of the books before I landed in these fandoms, I'm utterly shocked about how people treat eachother.

I'm very neutral on this stupid ship war going on. I tend to fall more for Elriel. But I understand everyone's opinion. I used to read all the book analysis, but now it just seems so exhausting. I get that people love books and ship different people. That's normal, everyone has different taste etc i'm just here trying to understand why we need to bring other human beings down in order to push our own narrative.

Since when is it okay to do that???? Can't we have a normal conversation without sending death treats?

I normally don't really respond to anything that involves drama. But these last couples of months have gotten me to dislike the books more and more solely because of these, may I call them blandly, horrible people.

And i'm very sad to have to admit that i'm also getting sick of the art of the multiple ships. Which that's horrible because I love what all these amazing artists create. But the hate they receive and the comments just make me hate it all more,this whole fandom with all these toxic people ruining it for me personally.

Can't we all just agree that we like these books, and respect eachother as human beings, no matter what everyone else thinks? And maybe wait and see what the author writes? In the end it are still her books and she will have the final say in everything.

I wish SJM would release the next book sooner so all this hate would stop, then again i don't know if it will stop. They will likely continue and probably bother SJM too...

Thank you for listening to me ranting, you always seem very nice to people with different opinions, so I thought i might as well rant a bit too.

Have a lovely day!!

Hello! Thank you for this message! I think it's really helpful for people to see because they can see the impact of the things they are doing and saying in the fandom. There are a lot of people who feel comfortable being vocal in the fandom, but I gotta say, if I were just joining now, I'm not sure that would be me. I wonder how many people walk in, take a look around, and walk the fuck back out. I probably would.

I got on my soap box a little bit because I was thinking about some of the things you've said!

I was just talking with some friends, some of whom I've been in the fandom with since 2017, some who are newer. And we all 1000% agree with you. It's so, so frustrating that the fandom has gotten so nasty to the point where we've become so separated from each other that we can't have a single civil conversation. Where people of color don't feel safe, and where a lot of the fandom doesn't even seem to care about that.

When I first joined the fandom, there were definitely people who shipped one way and people who shipped another, but we were still able to have conversations with each other. There would be these really, really long posts that were chains of people commenting on posts and reblogging, then someone adding on their thoughts, then op would respond, etc. Yeah, the posts were super long to scroll through, but there was so much engagement, ya know? And it was genuine, too. We could disagree or say "hey OP I like this point, but have you thought of X?" And it was great! (I even have a tag for it, #long post tag, because I once got an anon who was annoyed at how long my conversations with people would be 💀so I made that tag for people who wanted to block those posts.)

I'm not going to pretend it was perfect - there were definitely people I didn't get along with. But that wasn't a fandom thing, that was just a personality thing. And I never in a million years expected those people to fly off the handle and start attacking me anon, or to ss my posts to make fun of elsewhere. Now, that's a constant fear hanging over everyone's heads.

It has created an extreme echo chamber. I would genuinely like having those old fandom discussions where people would comment - in the open, on reblogs - and then we could all engage in that discussion in public. Now, all of that discussion happens in private, in groupchats and Discord. And don't get me wrong, Discord is super fun. But it also means that 1) people who aren't in those groups have no idea wtf is going on when we vague, although I try not to do that anyway, and 2) when people are in those groups they egg each other on to be worse and worse. Worse than they would have been if they were on their own and didn't feel like they had a group of people there to support their asshole behavior. tbh, I have to check myself sometimes and think, "would I do this if I hadn't just gotten into a rant conversation with friends on Discord?"

And what you said about fan art, it's so frustrating!!! Since when did fan art become a battle ground??? Since when did the appearance of fan art = a win for one ship or the other?? Why can't the comments of those arts ever just be nice and appreciative of the work someone has put into it? Honestly, it makes me paranoid to write fanfic, too! I mean, is that next???

I totally agree with you that we should be able to respect each other as people. We used to be able to do that. I hate to admit it, but I have so many people blocked now because I just don't trust them. I don't trust them to be civil, I don't trust them to be able to see my posts, I don't trust them to even read what I've written without misconstruing everything I've said.

I'm not sure if people realize that there is a big difference between this:

I don't like X ship

And this:

People who like X ship are delusional

The first one is okay! It's normal! Like you said, we all have feelings and interpretations and stuff we would prefer to see or not see!

The second one, not okay! Stop insulting people, people!!!!

The idea of engaging in a normal, healthy debate with a huge portion of the fandom is such a foreign concept to me at this point, and it never used to be. There could be a lot of reasons for this. And I always try to avoid pointing fingers because I know that not everyone is like that, though I'm sure I have slipped into that from time to time.

I think it would help if we stop seeing each other as a gwynriel or an elucien or an elriel, and start seeing each other as individuals. When acosf first came out, I started noticing a trend where people would send me asks and write them as if they were writing to every single person who ships elucien, or as if they were writing to every single person who holds a certain opinion about Azriel. It was really confusing at first, and I'm gonna request that the fandom stop doing that altogether, to everyone. If you want to engage with someone, engage with that person, not your idea of who they are and what they think.

I'm down for conversations where we talk about the series and what might come next as possibilities, because that's all this is, so far. Anyone who says that "X thing will never happen" is making some bold claims, and it's really off-putting to people who know that that's not why we are here. It's not a contest where we "win" canon. It's fandom, where we talk about what we like and what we don't like and what we want and cross our fingers and hope.

EDIT I wanted to add on one thing - a lot of this behavior is incredibly shocking and disgusting and I think that we, as a fandom, need to be better at 1) calling it out, and 2) not assuming that whoever did X horrible thing represents all people from that corner of the fandom.

I hope that you have a lovely day as well! And that the fandom doesn't get you too down. @heleencollier

[someone-worth-racing-for]

And here I am again, on the topic of Carlos haters. I'm actually very happy for you for not being around people who wish him to crash or to die, because there are so many out there. And its scary. Especially in F1. In a sport where every single fan knows, how it can end. In a sport where its not that inpossible for a driver to actually loose his life. And still they are out there.

Triggerwarning, don't read if you get emotional easy

I had someone telling me that he wishes for Carlos to die, and that his whole family should see it, and that he should have a long and horrible death, which should cause him a lot of pain because "this is what he deserves".

And this broke me. Because its F1. Because it could happen. And I wouldn't know what do if Carlos would actually loose his life, not to imagine his family... And there are people out there who actually put it into words. Its distrubing, alarming. And it leaves me helpless. What should I with messages like it? How can I stop it?

I got nightmares of any kind of drivers dieing because of stuff like this. Because people throw around words without thinking. Or maybe its my fault? Because I'm too attached to drivers? Maybe their death or those people shouldnt bother me?

If you dont feel like sharing this message (because it might be quite disturbing and I got carried away quite a lot, sorry for that) but still wanna answer me, you can call me "Jamie B." in your post and I will still know that you meant me and this message. I was gonna write you a DM but it feels better to stay anonym in this topic, or people might use this against me.

Trigger warning - the following text and also the ask above contains content that some may find disturbing. Please, read with care.

Seriously, anonym - I'm very glad you sent this message to me, because such things need to be talked about and not get ignored! It's so important to talk about this topic and not just look past it.

Yeah, I know I can call myself really happy to be around people who don't wish Carlos or any other driver any harm. Yes, not everyone of the people I follow/talk to support Carlos to 100%, but at least they all stay respectful and are grown up enough to know that you DON'T say duch things! NEVER EVER! ABOUT NO ONE!

Like I have said before, I really wasn't aware about that there are (still) so many people out there, that say stuff like that and even worse they also really mean the thoughtless things they say serious. Mostly because I block every account that comes past my way and is not respectful towards Carlos.

And like I have also said before, I have never seen such a hate post before, but hearing about the (anonym) message you have got gives me chills the worst possible way. This just can't be true, or?! I actually don't even know where to start here..

First of all, it's okay for me to send me anonym asks or requests for fics, but if you have to say something, if you want to tell someone your opinion then for fuck's sake have the damn balls to not send it anonym! I'm pretty sure most of those hate messages people receive are because of the damn anonymity of the internet. First those people are cowards in my eyes and second they really need to see a therapist for just thinking stuff like that, not even mention it to write them down, take their time to send it to someone and overall mean that also serious!

In what a sick world are we actually living to wish someone's (long, painful) death and also let his/her loved ones/family watch him/her dying!? How sick is that?!

Yes, Carlos had said/done some things in the past he shouldn't have and he could have at least apologized for it, but that still doesn't give you the right to wish him stuff like that! He is still only human, like you and me. No one, really no one deserves this!

And the thought that some people would really cheer in front of their TV, if something should ever happen to Carlos makes me really, really sick. Because like you have already said, anonym - stuff like that can happen so easily and quickly in this sport. Carlos or anyone else could really die out there! They could really lose their lives, for real!

I really want to know (no, I actually don't even want to know) what goes through those people's mind, what they are thinking when they write those words down. I mean, how would they feel, if they would read stuff like that about themselves somewhere on the internet from complete strangers (even worse, you don't even know their identity)? (God, I really hope Carlos won't ever have to read those kind of messages) How would they feel about that? What would those words make to them? Don't they see their loved ones/family in front of their inner eyes how they would react, if you would be the one passing away? Are they really so cold and heartless to not ask themselves those questions before sending those messages? Do they really don't think at all before? What's wrong with these people? Have they never received any love in their lives?

To your ask about what you should do - talk, talk about it! Talk with your family, friends or with me about it (also anonymous, it's totally alright if want to stay anonym in this case). Talking about it helps, believe me.

I can also call myself lucky once again, because I have never received such hate messages before (this will probably change after this post..),but if I would get any, I would publish them. Maybe I wouldn't respond anything, but I would want people to know about it, because it's not okay, it's actually the worst thing ever.

And maybe, but only maybe, those people will change their minds if they will read other people's thoughts on their death treats, maybe they will finally be able to understand that such things are unacceptable, that they finally need to educate themselves properly, grow up and finally start to be good.

But if you don't want to publish those messages or read any of their words anymore, you should better really deactivate anonym asks. It's really for your own good and mental health, because I can tell you are suffering a lot because of it.

And if I have understood you right here (God, I really hope I haven't) and you actually know the person who has told you this, then please stop any contact with that person, if he/she doesn't want to understand why this is the worst thing ever. Stay away from those people who aren't good for you and who obviously aren't happy with their own lives. You don't need them. You don't have to listen to their sick thoughts.

But please, don't search the problem by yourself - it's really not your fault at all. You can support/be a fan of whoever you want and there will always be people who disagree with you - which is actually okay - but what these people are doing is more than just sick. It's not your fault that people are like that, their problems are not on you.

I hope I could help you here a little, anonym - but don't ever forget, if things should become too much, please talk with someone about it or take a step back from social media.

And please, also don't ever forget - don't fight hate with hate!

Stay safe, anonym and enjoy the good things in life ❤️

[scummy-writes]

oh no worries!! yeah, i was a little nervous about putting my url in there but that is totally fine! i'm SO sorry about that!! um, my question was how can i start my mystic messenger HC profile going? im not sure if i should start reblogging stuff from MM blogs i love or if i should just try to focus on posting original content. again, super sorry about that, my bad! i adore your writing and i hope your life gets a little less hectic from here on out. have a great day!

Ahh, don’t worry so much about the url thing, I’m not offended or upset.

I haven’t really talked about me being uncomfortable shouting blogs out randomly before. I’m sorry I had to use your message as an example, but I also wanted to answer the rest of the ask. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.

I have written about this in the past, and so I am going to link to where I’ve talked about this before, (Here!) But I am also going to include a few new tips since, well, that post is from Oct of 2017.

In regards to your question- I would try and focus on original content first. I know that might be weird to see me say, as for a while I had a constant queue going on this blog, and nowadays I mainly just reblog other’s posts rather than making new content, but there are reasons for that.

If you make your blog pure reblogs, all anyone is going to come to your blog and see, first and foremost, that you seem to be a reblog blog and nothing else. It’s good to build up a small following based on the content you produce to where, mainly, a majority of your followers are there because they know you write and like your writing.

It’s hard to get a following for the content you produce if you don’t produce any, and if you focus on fandom reblogs instead.

Does that make sense? If not, send me another ask and I’ll try to explain it better.

Expanding on old tips with some new:

- Make sure your blog is easy to navigate on both desktop and mobile.

With this I mean including hotlinks onto your description for mobile like I have here:

This is so people can easily find out where I post my fics, my masterlist, and (back when I used to accept requests) my rules. It’s handy for mobile users. The coding for this is:

    (put word you want to have as the link here)   

Of course, remove the shitton of spaces I put there so the coding shows up, but that’s an easier way for folks on mobile to view the important links you have on your blog.

For desktop, make sure your theme allows the text to be seen clearly. 

Good example:

Tumblr makes the text a bit blurry in this picture (thanks you pos site), but the text shows up well with the background, isn’t too hard on the eyes, unlike this-

Bad example:

With my theme, this box is a bit small, the text isn’t as bright as it could be to ensure readability, and it kind of hurts my eyes. I have no idea why I set it up like this, but since people don’t really visit my blog much anymore I’m way too lazy to change it.

- Harrassment. I really didn’t think the harassment issue in the mm fandom could get any worse- from the hard r*ka discourse and the constant bullshit discourse of shipping wars that is prevalent in every god damned fandom, but now zines and supporters of some zines have received even worse harassment than the basic stuff. A good thing to do with this is to try your best not to let it get to you, and block whoever is sending you the messages. That’s it. There’s bullshit baiting on this site constantly that says if you don’t answer rude ass, unjustified, hateful anons, then you’re a ‘coward’ or some ridiculous bullshit- and that’s exactly what it is- bullshit. The block button is there for a reason, and don’t be afraid to use it.

- Do not get upset if your blog doesn’t take off. Firstly, I’m sorry if this comes out as negative, but please, please, do not beat yourself up if your blog doesn’t get popular. Please just do this for fun, and if you receive a lack of notes on your posts, I can guarantee the main reason for that is going to be because this game has been out for almost three years now. I can promise that the main reason, and probably nearly the sole reason, that my blog took off was because I started it two years ago when the fandom for the game was still booming. And yes, the fandom for this game is still alive, but it’s dwindled significantly. A large number of blogs I followed for MM content have moved on to other things, and with Cheritz refusal to update us more with the promised After Ends/Ssum, people are dropping out pretty fast. 

That is not your fault, and will never be your fault. It’s probably going to be hard getting a lot of followers, if that's your goal, for your content with how long the games been out, but in no way will that ever mean your writing is bad, or less, or anything negative. 

I’m probably incoherent, but my end point is to Not Beat Yourself Up if your note count on posts isn’t high. Don’t compare your posts with blogs that have been out for a while, don’t think that your writing is bad- Keep your head up and keep doing what makes you happy, and please god don’t get in the mindset of comparing yourself to others, because it’s a hard hole to climb out of once you dig it.

that sounds really negative but wheeze please just do this for fun. Please keep it for fun, because otherwise, from at least my personal experience, it can be very draining if you don’t keep it at the ‘for fun’ part.

[queenangst]

More Than Friends

by: achievingelysium Summary: A classic, two-part throwback to "mortals-meet" fics. Part one: Annabeth's having a no good, very bad day. Percy swings by to help. Things go about as well as can be expected. Post-TLO, Annabeth's POV. / Part two: Much to his friends' chagrin, Percy tends to show up late to class and flakes out on a meetup, until they meet his elusive girlfriend. Post-HoO, mortal's POV.

Read on AO3 | FFN

Her phone buzzed.

Buzzed, then buzzed again.

Annabeth snarled under her breath, eyeing the teacher whose back was turned to the class, and then snatched the phone from her pocket. Whoever was texting her had better have something important to tell her, or gods help her—

It was Percy.

Despite herself, Annabeth smiled. The annoyance didn't fade—no, from this morning to that stupid brat earlier—she'd just about had it with the day. She'd only come back to school for a week, but already she ached to leave and go back to camp where she belonged.

Percy, 11:14 AM  hows it going babe me and grvoer r headed for the beach

Percy, 11:16 AM  wait grover and i?

You, 11:17 AM  you got it.

Annabeth ducked her head and grinned. She caught Lydia's attention in the seat next to her, her friend's eyes widening almost comically as she leaned over to see.

"You're texting in class?" Lydia hissed.

"Shh," she whispered back, batting Lydia away. Still, the girl was hooked, far too interested in what Annabeth was doing.

There was a noise from the front of the room, and the two of them froze, glancing up.

"False alarm," Lydia whispered as Ms. Martin kept writing on the board.

"You should all be writing this down," Ms. Martin said. "See, this is why you guys aren't doing well. I can only do so much, but if you want to learn, you have to be paying attention in class. It's not as hard as you think it is. Is anybody writing?"

Annabeth gritted her teeth, glaring across the room before looking pointedly at her open notebook. Scrawled on the page were notes, though Annabeth hadn't finished writing down everything. Her dyslexia wasn't helpful, nor was the way Ms. Martin organized her thoughts on the board, completely different from Annabeth's.

There was a general grumbling from the class. Furtive glances were cast around the room.

"Yeah, if only she would teach us," Michael muttered from two seats up. Annabeth and Lydia snorted.

It was no secret that no one in their school liked Ms. Martin. She was a hit-or-miss teacher, and she often berated her students on their less-than-stellar work in her class—even though that had always been a result of her teaching.

"There she goes again," Lydia said, sighing as she jotted down another line.

Annabeth wasn't paying attention, though.

Percy, 11:18 AM soo? good day [IMG _FILE] look at this cool shell grover said the pattern makes it look like its frowning but i don't see it

You, 11:24 AM  tell grover I don't see it either. also today's been awful

Percy, 11:24 AM  what wht why

You, 11:25 AM  ugh Helem got mad at me this morning. Again. *Helen

Percy, 11:25 AM she's too hard on u I thought u 2 were getting better

You, 11:26 AM yeah but last week I took off my necklace so I could go shower she almost threw it away. didn't know what it was

Percy, 11:27 AM she WHAT

You, 11:27 AM I guess it's not totally her fault but she should know by now right not to touch my stuff I hate it when people touch my stuf *stuff and I got really upset about it

Percy, 11:29 AM  u didn't tell me :(( ims orry

You, 11:30 AM its fine now I guess I got it back forgot about it when you called a couple days ago

Percy, 11:31 AM  what were u saying about this morning

You, 11:32 AM  UGH

You, 11:32 AM I came home yesterday [Unsent]

You, 11:32 AM went back yesterday at 2am because I ran into a couple monsters took care of everything but I got a little blood and monster dust on the carpet and in the bathroom was too tired to clean up got yelled at this morning for it

Percy, 11:33 AM ur fine right? ugh it wasn't ur fault

You, 11:34 AM I know she hates monsters and really wants to look out for the boys but she just and earlier I saw this girl talking about this kid in the bathroom and she was so rude I

Percy, 11:35 AM  did u get in trouble

You, 11:35 AM almost did I was about to punch her I was so mad and now I'm in English and I hate English and Martin

Percy, 11:42 AM hey… u have lunch next period i'll swing by with grover and take u out we can get those curly fries u like

Annabeth groaned. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate Percy, but her friends had been pestering her about her boyfriend since she'd gotten back to school.

They were just scraping two months from the war; Annabeth had decided to go back with Percy and Sally's encouragement. She'd missed about a month—school had started late August, but Annabeth had wanted to spend more time with the other campers and with Percy before leaving.

Now Annabeth was currently drowning in work to catch up, but Percy seemed to have managed just fine starting in mid-September. He'd gone back to Goode, surprisingly, and had bounced between home, school, and camp.

They had some kind of parent-teacher conferences this week, or maybe a holiday, which meant Percy had four days of weekend instead of two. It made Annabeth insanely jealous.

Percy, 11:44 AM so what do you say

Percy's text brought her back to the present. Lydia had gotten back to leaning over, but Annabeth blocked her friend's attempt to read the screen, furiously typing back.

You, 11:44 AM no you cant my frien [Unsent]

"Miss Chase. Miss Faris."

Annabeth's fingers froze over the keyboard just as her heart stopped. She fumbled to turn off her phone, looking up to see Ms. Martin with crossed arms.

"Ma'am," she replied, feeling her heart start to pound against her ribs. She cast a frantic look towards Lydia.

Monsters, Titans, fire-breathing Chihuahuas… Annabeth had seen them all. Still, there was something about teachers that sent them to a completely different level.

The class had gone quiet, broken only by Jay.

"Ooooh," he sang quietly, and the class tittered.

"Would you like to share what you're looking at instead of what you should've been learning in class?"

Annabeth ground her teeth together. She needed to text Percy back to tell him not to come, wanted to keep talking to him, wanted desperately to leave the classroom and find something she could break. The anger and annoyance that had hounded her came back; Percy had been cooling it off, but now something had snapped again.

"Learning," she said deliberately. Someone audibly sucked in a breath at her tone.

Ms. Martin arched an eyebrow.

"Indeed, Miss Chase. Something you would know to do if you want to do well in my class."

This was dumb. This was dumb, and Annabeth hated it, hated the way her skin was crawling like spiders were climbing across her front. She hated Ms. Martin with her stupid voice, who'd failed her first assignment even after Annabeth had worked on it for three days straight.

Hated the way the teacher was looking at her, like she was dumb.

"Maybe if you were teaching us something, I'd pay attention," Annabeth said hotly, standing up. Her fists clenched at her side.

The classroom, which had been filling with whispers and murmured conversation, went silent. Lydia couldn't seem to decide if she wanted to gape at Annabeth or cower in her seat with the way Ms. Martin was glaring at them.

Ms. Martin strode forward.

"Phone," she said, holding her hand out. "I want to see you after class."

Annabeth glanced at her phone, shutting it off and handing it over. They stood off for another moment before Annabeth forced herself to slowly sit down.

It wasn't worth it, she reminded herself, but a little part of her whispered that it had. Ms. Martin had turned around, marching back to the front of the classroom. People had erupted into conversation.

"Girl," Lydia exploded once she'd sat down. "Wow. You… wow."

"Shouldn't have done that, should I?" Annabeth grumbled, sliding lower in her seat.

"Maybe," Lydia offered, "but that was the most badass thing I've ever seen. Just wait until lunch. Everyone's going to be all over you."

"Oh, gods," Annabeth said. She covered her hands with her hands for a moment and then lowered them, sending a satisfied grin at her friend. "Well… I guess that was a pretty good line, huh?"

The remaining time in English passed quickly. Ms. Martin went back to lecturing them, occasionally interjecting with a comment about their work ethic as she glared vaguely in Annabeth's direction. Everyone went back to taking notes, but there was a restless energy that lasted until the bell rang.

"Dismissed," Ms. Martin called, and the students surged for the door, yelling over each other and chatting. Lydia shoved her stuff into her bag.

"I'll save you a spot," she told Annabeth. She glanced at Ms. Martin. "Good luck."

Annabeth took her time putting her things away. She wasn't a terribly organized person, but today she made sure everything had a place. While she worked, she reminded herself that she couldn't afford to have Ms. Martin hate her. Any more, and she'd be failing English.

Not to mention phone calls. The minute Helen heard a word about what had gone down, she'd go off on Annabeth. What little relationship they'd been carefully building would come crumbling down. She'd be the unruly, good-for-nothing demigod.

She took a deep breath and forced herself towards Ms. Martin's desk.

"I'll have you remember that I tolerate no disrespect, Annabeth," Ms. Martin said. "I don't like it when any student uses their phone in class, and if you have constructive criticism, I'd like you to bring it up to me in a more helpful way."

Annabeth held her tongue. She could tell Ms. Martin meant it, but it didn't make Annabeth feel any less unhappy.

"I'm… sorry," she said.

Ms. Martin made a noncommittal noise. "Are we on the same page?"

Annabeth glanced at the clock.

"Yes, ma'am."

"If this happens again, Annabeth, I can call your parents." Here, Annabeth's lip curled in distaste. "And I will send you out of class. You know that."

"Yes, ma'am."

Ms. Martin sighed. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, and though Annabeth didn't like her one bit, she thought maybe she was starting to understand where the teacher was coming from.

"It won't happen again," Annabeth offered quietly. She wanted to leave and slam the door.

"Be sure of it." Ms. Martin nodded, reaching over to a drawer and handing Annabeth's phone over. "You can go."

Annabeth left without saying goodbye, darting out into the hall and sighing.

"That could've gone better," she muttered, heading towards the cafeteria. She was five minutes late, give or take a few—the lunch line would be packed, and she'd have to wait longer to get food.

Annabeth stopped, suddenly remembering why she'd gotten into trouble in the first place. She checked her phone and found a number of missed texts and a call from Percy.

"Oh, gods."

"Annabeth!" a voice yelled before she could check it.

As she pushed her way towards her friends at the table in the corner, she caught sight of a small crowd. Over the din, she could hear a loud voice chattering away.

"What's Beatrice up to?" Annabeth said, sliding into her spot. Lydia lit up.

"Annabeth! You made it out alive!"

"Lydia told us all about it," Samarth said. He passed her a soda can. "Bought this from the vending machine as a gift, you brave, brave soul."

"Uh, thanks," Annabeth said.

"I still can't believe you said that," Jay crowed. "Did you see the look on her face?"

"What'd she say? Spill."

"It was fine," Annabeth muttered. "So what's all the commotion about?"

"Oh," Lydia said, slamming her water bottle down in excitement. "Queen Bea found a new guy to drool over."

Annabeth wrinkled her nose. "I'm sure."

Beatrice was nice enough, but she reminded Annabeth of Aphrodite kids. Cool, but sometimes overwhelming… and maybe a little too obsessed with getting a boyfriend.

She was pretty forward and could get a little bossy, hence the nickname Queen Bea. Still, the few times she'd seen her outside of being boy-crazy had admittedly impressed Annabeth. She was driven and smart. Med school, if she remembered correctly, though Annabeth never knew if that was her own ambition or if maybe she was fishing for a good-looking doctor in her future. Probably both.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

Annabeth yelped, pulling her phone from her pocket.

Buzz.

"It's her boyfriend," Lydia said immediately. The table oohed.

"It's not," Annabeth said, hitting reply. It was Percy.

Percy, 12:21 PM hey its lunch but i don't see u i could use some help um u can probably tell where i am theres kind of a crowd is this normal

"Shit," Annabeth said. No doubt the "new guy to drool over" was Percy.

"Annabeth?" Jay called after her as she crossed the cafeteria. "Woah, wait, did we upset you?"

She shoved through the crowd, and there he was.

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm just here to find someone," Percy was saying. Beatrice was unsurprisingly talking to him, too close for both Percy and Annabeth's liking.

"Well, you found me," Beatrice said. She leaned a little closer. "Wanna go to lunch together?"

"Uh," Percy said. He looked nervous, eyes darting around the group of people surrounding him. There weren't actually that many people, maybe twelve in total, but they were all excitedly chattering about the new guy. With their small school and class size, everybody knew everybody, and anyone remotely new got people excited.

He tried to step away.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm gonna go."

"Hey, wait, what's your name?"

"Percy," he replied. He was starting to get jittery, Riptide appearing in his hands as he twisted the cap like he did when he got nervous. "And I'm looking for—"

Annabeth finally pushed through.

"Looking for me?"

Percy and Beatrice both turned at the sound of her voice.

"Annabeth," Percy said, obviously relieved. She'd been his best friend for years, knew the way he ticked, knew what every look meant. It made her stomach flip when his eyes lit up, his lips lifting in that crooked, troublemaker grin.

He held out his hand, and Annabeth took it.

"Oh my God," she heard distantly. "That's gotta be him. The boyfriend. Samarth, get a picture."

Annabeth wasn't paying attention.

"Hey, Percy," she said, not fighting as he wrapped an arm around her and daring to press his lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes for a moment. "What are you doing here?"

He grinned, eyes crinkling at the corners. "Curly fries, remember? I promised."

"Do you two… know each other?"

Beatrice looked like her dreams were being crushed slightly. Annabeth felt bad, then remembered she'd been flirting with her boyfriend and felt a little better.

Before Annabeth could open her mouth, Percy beat her to the punch. "I'm Annabeth's boyfriend."

It was a little silly, but it made her smile. Every time she got to call him her boyfriend, it sent warmth through her body.

Annabeth ducked her head to hide her blush, and Percy tightened his arm around her.

"Oh," Beatrice said. "Um. Sorry."

Now she was blushing, looking a little embarrassed.

"It's cool, I guess. Flattering, but I'm taken," Percy said. "Uh, sorry?"

Annabeth couldn't help but roll her eyes. Her friends took the moment to press in like predators hunting prey.

"So you're Annabeth's boyfriend," Lydia said triumphantly. She was grinning as she stuck a hand out. "Nice to meet you."

"That's Lydia," Annabeth said, sighing. They'd never let her get the end of it. "Samarth and Jay over there."

"Oh, man," Jay said. "Liv is going to be so mad she missed this. Uh, nice to meet you, man."

Percy shook hands with Jay, then Lydia, then Samarth.

"I guess Annabeth talks about me, huh?"

"Oh, she never shuts up," Lydia said. Annabeth kicked at her ankles.

"Lydia!"

"Really?" Percy asked, grinning. He slipped his arm down from around her shoulders, grabbing her hand instead. Her face burned.

"No," she grumbled.

"Kind of," Samarth said. "I think Lydia talks more than her, though."

"What? I'm interested."

There was a beat of awkward silence before Lydia blurted, "How'd you guys meet?"

"Oh, um," Percy said. "We met when we were twelve. Went to the same camp, and we got looped into some of the same, er, camp activities together."

"Arts and crafts?"

Percy was grinning again, and it was infectious. "Something like that."

"Cool," Jay said. "I got shipped off to summer camp a few times, too, but my summers were never quite as exciting as Annabeth's. Any way I can get in?"

Annabeth pursed her lips. "It's one of those you gotta apply at, but it's a little hard to get in. Pretty specific requirements."

Percy laughed. "You're not wrong."

"Guess I'm not going."

Percy shrugged and raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. You never know."

"You're from New York, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm on break, so me and another friend came down for a visit. Then Annabeth said she was having a bad day, so I thought I'd come pick her up to get some food."

Jay poked Samarth. "Why don't you ever do that for me?"

Samarth only squinted back. "You're the one who can drive."

Percy glanced over at Annabeth, and she squeezed his hand.

"Missed you," she said quietly, stepping closer. "It's been weird being here."

"Hey, San Fran's pretty nice."

She looked away. "You know what I mean, Percy. I don't get to see your stupid face around."

He leaned their shoulders together. "Missed you, too."

Percy turned to the rest of the group. "It was nice meeting you guys, but I think we gotta go. Fries don't buy themselves."

There was a chorus of "You, too"s as Percy led Annabeth away.

"Mortals, huh," Percy said. "Cool bunch. Though I'm interested in what you've had to say about me, Wise Girl."

She shoved him. "Come on. Let's get some fries."

[tamiddyinyourcity]

11:10pm.

Alright.

Stress.

Flashbacked to the time I broke up with Patrick, the brunette one. I wonder if I handled it okay... well of course, calling his sloppy friend a sloppy bitch isn't the greatest route. (But, he and she had been mega sloppy.) I ended it the best way I could, by trying to both 1) be reckless in a way where they'd not want to speak to me ever again, and 2) blocking them on everything since I didn't want him to see what I posted, but just making tweets for general venting purposes. So... it doesn't truly matter how I reacted. The past is in the past. I didn't expect him to stay up that late just restless over me or reading my posts. He acted like he didnt care if i was around, so I left... so, whats the problem?

It was sorta sad, hearing the way he said "have a good night" so glumly after I dumped him.

I was serious. I was super betrayed by his treatment of me and invalidating my feelings and perspective. And if that was how the big talks would go, frankly I saw no reason to continue sticking around.

But... I could've been better about it in certain aspects.

I don't regret leaving him since he was doing that thing where I voiced a concern, or even potential resolutions, just for it to be dismissed.

But, idk. Idk. Its weird. Its a weird feeling all around.

Like, damn, havent exactly had a guy like me to the extent of being dumped, and going, "Let's keep checking in on her tweets, or try to read as many of her blog posts as possible."

But.... yeah.

It wasn't easy for me, I pretty much blacked out and did the mean stuff relating to his idiotic girl best friend who couldnt respond to a fucking text but was so keen to stalk my page, (stupid WHORE,) [i like using the word 'whore' in a different context than the original word is based; unless Patrick was right, and she did have threesomes in the past or some shit..... but no shame, dick is dick,] and then cried in the laundry room near my house.

For a long long time.

My eyes hurt, just thinking about that night. It's not like I wanted to dump the guy who used to idly rest his forehead against mine as we googled Red Pandas at 3am, or that I could listen to Rico Nasty with.

....

Whatever.

He chose what he chose, and I reacted under the pretense of never seeing him again. Life happens. Oh well.

...........

Good stuff happened today.

I was actually managing to restart old script ideas I had in the past.

Then, some kids across the street were putting on a mini jazz performance. Trombone and the flute, a nice sized crowd of people watching. Only like ten, though. Not exactly social distancing, but it was pleasant for a half hour and genuinely had uplifted my mood for the day. :)

It also reminded me of Other Patrick, and the jazz records he owned. He used to be so excited, showing me all the classics his dad gave him.

Gaaaaah. If not for a pandemic, I'd totally be down to drop off some housewarming goodies to his parents. (I'm bad at having relationships end well, but, good at still being the favorite girl for whoever the person's parents are. Not sure about my most recent ex, but they were still pleasant towards me and didn't shoot me any daggers with their eyes..... Oh well, who knows.)

Anyway.

Hmmm.... I painted some concept art, since I finally found my favorite pens and some old pastels of mine. Fixed my bulletin board recently.

I'm pretty good at the whole "draw dismembered bloody figures puking up gore" thing. No, it's nothing psychopathic, its for a horror comedy that I'm writing, lmfao.

I thought it should have good Carrie/The Witch's House/Ju-On The Grudge vibes. :)

Getting better at my layering, anatomy, and brush strokes. Aye.

Aaaand feeling nice. :)

Admittedly, I miss my ex sometimes. Its not the feeling of "oh my GOD i cant believe i cant fuck him or be all naked and vibing anymore", or me crying over not being able to kiss a dude or get good morning texts.... its pretty passive.

Like chilling and doing good, until I woke up this morning with some bad thoughts.

Which nearly resulted in a homicide, once my mom tried to test me. (It luckily did not end with me smashing a microwave into my mom's skull eleven times and doing atrocious acts, it just resulted me leaving the house after she screamed at me, crying in the rain a bit, returning, her acting like nothing happened, and then i seemed okay until i dropped a bag clip and shouted "FUCKING WHOOOOOOOORE" at the top of my lungs, being a blatant signal that I needed to be as easy on myself as possible for today.

Thankfully, jazz music done by 15 year olds playing blissfully through my street, and painting, and film inspirations for horror flicks... helped me out.

Awessome.

:)

11:40pm.

I guess it's just odd, knowing someone can go from liking me so much that they're reading up on every single thing I do post breakup, (really fucking weird but borderline sexy in a way i dont feel like explaining,) to not having me pass their mind.

I don't know if I do.

It's probably better not to think about it too much. I'm currently happy and content in my situation.

Also, me and Rowan are just friends. Which is fine, since not only do I not have the funds to move to the UK or something, buuuut they're, uh.... I don't know.

I still adore em, but them texting me "i want to die" in the middle of what was a pleasant conversation, and then dipping for like an hour or two..... scared the shit out of me. And they never acknowledged it when they returned, which sucked.

Its just scary. I wouldn't want someone to hide things from me, and then before I know it, pass away, you know?

Yeah.

I think that's why I prefer to post here.

It would give insight if anything ever happened. Best case scenario, someone out there relates to the things I write about on here. Worst case scenario... lets not even discuss that.

But, evidence either way, so. :D

11:45pm.

I did really like Patrick. I'm sure he knows that. Or, idk. But I also doubt he cares.

Things were going so great before things broke off. Which just.... made things so much more frustrating, yknow?

Ugh.

I guess now is a better time than ever to get some of the memories out:

Ice skating with him, and my ankles started getting sore, so eventually we had sat down for a bit. He was doing that thing where he looked like he was fake smiling, since he knew I always worried he didn't like me in the way I hoped. (I still have my doubts... But to be fair, he did have depression and anxiety, so the days he could open the door with low eyelids and generally bitchy were just him trying to force himself to be active instead of allowing himself some off days.... It was a cross between, "hes trying too hard to be something hes not", and "hes just not at the same level as me". We still worked out as a couple, shame the way it ended like that.)

Two separate occasions of us in his car during the coldest parts of the season, sleeping smushed together in one car seat (with our scrawny asses) until we both eventually hit sobriety after a night drinking with him.

Christmas with his parents. Loved it, got to tell his family about noise music concerts and whatnot. The food was super good. And he was so damn pretty.

One of the phone calls we had, before getting back together after our first breakup. We were getting pretty good at communication, and I was happy about it.

That time we went to see the meteor shower one night, and I screamed bloody murder, since when I was staring up at the night sky when it was pitch black.... I heard a bunch of footsteps rapidly approaching us from the woods. It turned out it was not a serial killer coming to slit my throat before chasing him into the forest, but even more surprising, and oddly.... some old man with neon green running shoes, jogging, at midnight... far from civilization.... huh.

Me going, "Do you want to kiss me?", and him saying no, only to want to once he realized I was cutting him out my life. (Jesus Christ, Patrick; don't tell girls who you think are nuts, that you have no intention of trying with, that you want to kiss them? What's the fucking point? If he wanted to kiss me so bad, he should've just came over and did it right then and there, then. But, he didn't. Even if he did, as if it was a shitty romcom movie on Lifetime, he'd still probably pull a "just because i wanted to kiss you doesn't mean I *like* you", dick move.... God, why is he like that?)

The idle mornings of eating breakfast with him, either at the local diner or in his house. His cereal is still weird, but i mean, like, it was alright. Gravel, with the smallest hint ever of honey? And he usually was peak antisocial when he woke up... oddly adorable.

That day in Berkeley, when I apologized to him, and somehow the topic of why I did what I did came up, so me just going "Hey Patrick!", and him, exasperated like usual, going "What??", just for me to say "I had feelings for you!", and his smile instantly dropped. LMFAOOOOOO, that alone had me like "i said HAD, CALM DOWN", and explaining the complicatedness of "i like you a lot and was being a horrendous bitch because i couldnt tell if you liked me, or if i was blatant enough with what i thought was me being too obvious for my crush, and was confused and embarrassed so badly and im sorry", just for him to be like "you liked me?????????????", aaaaaaaaand yeah.

And ironically, that made him like me. Lmfao. Cute. Then we yet again acted stupid and indirect about our crushes out of fear of embarrassment! Why the fuck do we always do that????? Thats literally how we ended up breaking up several times?????? Jesus christ.

No wonder I preferred blatantly going "i have a crush on you that im trying to get over, unless you're down", to people. Way easier that way.

Rowan and I are gonna have some space for a bit. Mainly since I get too attached, and do not want to have the whole "he saw my pink canoe, but doesnt wanna buy the lake just wants to admire the view" scenario happen.

He's still a dope dude nonetheless.

Just also turned off at men who don't ask much about me.... its boring.

We both don't do much, but that doesn't mean I wanna only hear about *his* side of quarantine... you know?

Yeah.

12:09am. Feeling pretty okay.

Eli messaged me today, too. I go to his house tomorrow to help him get ready in the morning again.

He still has a crush on me... oh dear. I feel bad, a teensy bit. When it was pre-pandemic, being able to seem interested in a guy for the sake of maybe some company for a walk around the city or handholding for a film was cool.

Plus, compensation.

It's not the same feeling as me being his medical assistant, in a way, and then him awkwardly asking if one night I could "stay over" and "cuddling works for me, too"....

Thaaaaat makes it clear that he has feelings for me.....

Not a good idea.

Yikes.

If his condition was less severe, his teeth were straight, and if he seemed a little more aware to his surroundings and himself... then, maybe. Or even just the last two, since I'd still probably be interested in someone who had a physical disability, as long as their mind was sound, and they still had an attractive face or other aspects.

But it just doesn't feel right.

Is the movie/book Flowers for Algernon relevant? Where the teacher for Algernon goes from being his teacher, to when the treatment to increase his intelligence and soundness of mind starts working, eventually becomes his girlfriend?

Eli's still a kind man. And more generous and thoughtful than plenty of men I had met.

I'll be his friend.

If the pandemic blows over, we can stay in touch. Truly.

I wonder how long this will last....

And I guess giving Patrick that letter did have a purpose. I had a nightmare, that he had passed away. I forget how I heard it in dream. I think Azalea, (the nice version in my dreams,) showed up, just dming me like "Hey, I know we weren't on good terms, but I figured you should know he passed away, seemed like you liked him".

And the dream was.... super depressing. I think I woke up crying. Which did eventually lead to me writing that letter, since I didn't want him to die, with him thinking I hated him, or whatnot.

And if the reverse ever happened, then same.

He knew I always complimented him so much, for the sake of if an incident happened, he would at least know I thought pretty well of him. (Like if one day I had a stroke or seizure due to a lack of diet, or got hit by a car, hit my head on the stairs wrong and simply never woke up, got into a coma, and whatnot...)

I'd much rather have people know I did genuinely appreciate them, while they're still around.

Since in case I ever pass away, it would matter that they knew.

Or if they died, I'd rather know Patrick is in like... (Catholic people have a heaven, right? He seems like a not piece of shit, at least in the extent of not being a vicious human being,) a good place, and not planning to haunt me in death.

Anyway.

Itll be alright.

I just should stay indoors and be extra vigilant these days. Thats all.

12:25am, peace out yalls.