#also i've discussed a lot with my therapist that my insect fears and delusions are tangled up in trauma with my relationship with my mom

[briar--rising]

Going to visit my mom yesterday turned out to be a terrible idea. Fuck. The thing is, it was kind of fine? On a surface level? She only said one thing that really upset me (though it was a doozy). The rest of the time she was on her best behavior and did a good job interacting with me. And I was 100% in mom-mode and thought I was having fun. It's impossible for me to truly check in internally when I'm with her. What I'm actually feeling is almost completely inaccessible to me, and slowing down to really try to notice just...can't seem to happen? Instead I just enter this state of "here's how to act with mom" and in that state I feel fine and happy but then as soon as I leave it I realize it was exhausting and awful actually. And that while I didn't notice, underneath the surface there was all sorts of panic and fear and rage and confusion and loss of self and destruction of understanding and connection with reality. Time spent with my mother, even when it goes well, is probably my biggest psychosis trigger. Something about the way my mind twists when I'm with her is just...very dangerous. I really thought I'd be okay because we've been doing well talking on the phone and I've been doing very well in general, but um...apparently pushing that to several hours alone with my mother was...not my best plan lol. At least I can use words and my limbs again this morning, last night I could barely speak or move for several hours.