#also i've been grinding and clenching my teeth so badly the past week

[missionkitty]

hey all. i'm sure you've seen the news.

i think i'm going to be taking a step back from socials for a while, tumblr included. i'll still get on to post art and moonlight valley updates (now more than ever, believe me) but it hurts me to scroll right now.

i'm angry. my family is at risk now more than ever for what will inevitably come. i don't talk about my private life much on here, for my own privacy and my own sake. but i have two young children and a mexican partner and a latino heritage and a latino last name. my partner just got laid off about a week and a half ago.

i have been trying. so hard. to keep it together and to stay hopeful.

and i'm not going to break. but i keep seeing so much aimless anger and apathy and not enough paths forward during this election cycle. we're here now. the worst-case scenario has happened.

but none of that can stop me. i have to put on a brave face for my children. i have to protect them and my partner.

maybe--just maybe it will be okay. but i've read what the gop has promised they will do, and now they have the power to do so. but i will do whatever it takes to protect myself and the people i love.

if you want answers, here's what i've got:

look for community initiatives to participate in. don't have any? then befriend your neighbors. create something--bake, draw, write, cook, then go share it with your friends and your neighbors.

if you're particularly angry, like i am, find out when your local city council meets. go to a meeting and bring up your concerns. find out the concerns in your neighborhood or community and begin organizing how to address these issues. maybe even run for council yourself when a seat opens.

lay down your roots. provide a safe haven for the people around you. and take care of yourself. eat well, dance to three of your favorite songs every night, and start taking a multivitamin.

sleep well and live well.

i'll see you later.

[subasekabang]

i've got some falling to do

Title: i’ve got some falling to do Rating: T Word Count: 8,020 Pairings/Characters: Neku Sakuraba, Joshua Kiryu Warnings: near character death, implied character death, injury Summary: Seven days after Neku’s returned to the UG, he receives a text that sends a chill down his spine. The Composer needs help. You’re the only one who can do it. Partner: @sugarsomg, desiquiche Author’s Note: Many thanks to @beyondworldborders for… practically writing a good portion of this. She’s my go-to Neku dialogue person. She also betad! neku-phones-sakuraba also gave this a once over and pointed out a lot of spelling and grammar errors. Title from Lemon Demon

The soda tastes sharp on Neku’s tongue as he leans back on the bench, gaze flitting around from person to person. The condensation slicks the cardboard cup in his hand, stealing his attention from the way the crowd threatens to overwhelm him. The Shibuya crowd is as loud as ever, but it doesn’t really bother him anymore, not like it used to. He likes the reassurance that people can see him, can feel him on the off chance that he shifts a little too close to another and accidentally shoulder checks someone. It’s a reminder that he’s alive, that the breath pulled through his lungs isn’t just due to muscle memory. His free hand raises to grip at the familiar weight of his headphones around his neck, but his fingers only curl around air.

Right. He sort of left his limited edition CAT headphones in the middle of the Shibuya Scramble Crossing when he’d woken up on the pavement for a fourth time to find that he was alive after-

Well. Neku’s in high spirits. He’s had a good day. No thoughts of the past are going to wreck that.

It’s been seven days since he’d miraculously come back to life after his three long weeks fighting for his right to existence in the second, hidden layer of reality hidden right on top of Shibuya. For seven long days Neku has sat anxiously on the bench at the statue of Hachiko, hoping and praying to the maybe-god he knows there is that his friends are okay and will show up to greet him. He had almost given up hope by the seventh day, but seventh days had always been so monumental when it came to Neku and his friends. If they were going to show, it would be today.

And sure enough, Beat and Rhyme and even Shiki in her unfamiliar body with that very familiar smile had finally shown up- a week from the Game at Hachiko, just as promised. Their presence had lifted a weight from his chest, let a smile grow wide on his face as Beat snagged him around the neck, as Rhyme showed him her bell with glee, as Shiki had shoved Mr. Mew into Neku’s arms in order to talk animatedly with her hands as she discussed her reunion with Eri and her family. It had been a good day spent with his friends. Now it’s late, nearly dark, and Neku’s friends have headed back to their homes. Neku stopped for a drink, wanting to revel in the moment just for a bit longer- and to linger just for a few more moments, to give that one person just a few more seconds to pop in unexpectedly with that light step, that lazy swagger to his movements.

Neku still isn’t sure that he even wants to see him, but he does want to know that Joshua is okay, despite everything. He realizes now that Joshua had spent their week together within the Game intentionally hand feeding him bits and pieces of information, showing him where to go to jack Shibuya- from Joshua. He still isn’t sure what it means. Why give Neku the chance to shoot him, in those final moments in that dark grey room, if all Joshua wanted was to be done with Shibuya? Neku would have thought that he’d failed whatever test Joshua was levering against him when he faltered at pulling the trigger on the boy he’d come to think of as a friend.

So why is everything still standing?

Why does Neku hope to hear that gratingly self-satisfied voice so badly?

Neku can’t understand- it’s impossible to. But he knows he isn’t seeing Joshua anytime soon, much less tonight, so he pulls himself to his feet with a heavy sigh to begin the walk home, one hand shoved into his pocket to fiddle with the black lacquered pin he keeps tucked away. He absently chews on the straw of his drink as he ambles through the busy Shibuya streets, headed to the station to take his train line home. He reaches for his pocket when his phone buzzes with a text. Probably just Shiki or Rhyme letting him know they got home… safe…?

Unknown The Composer needs help. You’re the only one who can do it.

Unknown Immediately

The soda cup cracks open and spills along the concrete as Neku breaks into a run towards the station.

Neku’s lungs are burning by the time he reaches the sewers that Joshua had so carefully led him to during the Game. It’s as dark and dank and cold as he remembers, the sound of his feet echoing down the tunnels so loud it sounds like gunshots in his head. He half expects another barrier pulled up to keep him out, to keep him from making sure that stupid asshole is alive- or existing, or whatever.

But no, the door to that weird retro underground club is open, cracked open with a flip flop of all things stuck in the doorway so it doesn’t swing shut and activate the padlock again. A bubble of anxiety wells and pops in Neku’s chest. What is this? Is someone here to hurt Joshua? Or is this the person who messaged him to help Josh? He doesn’t understand what’s going on.

What if this is another of Joshua’s Games?

Neku takes a deep breath and shoves the door open, barreling into that same retro lounge he’d once been forced to fight Shiki in. It’s quiet, near silent except for the hum of the refrigerator behind the bar. No sign of anything or anyone. The schools of fish in the walls and floor continue to swim idly, completely undisturbed. It seems like a normal lounge. It all sets Neku’s nerves on edge.

Neku silently pads into the room, every muscle aching with how tense he feels. Okay, room empty. Where’s the jackass then? His heartbeat thunders in his ears, reminding him that yes, he’s alive.

Which, Neku realizes as he searches the room to find no one around and no other exits except the one he entered through, means he’s in the RG. That huge wooden door that Neku had to scan for isn’t open for him now. His Player Pin is dead without whatever energy the UG carries within it, nothing more than a token of his trials. He pulls the tiny pin out anyway and clenches it tight in his hand, breathing in deep and closing his eyes as he opens his senses.

…

Nothing calls out to him, nothing shifts in his mind or pokes at his attention. No stray thoughts or Noise distract him from the solitude of his own head. There’s nothing. It’s what he’s always tried to achieve.

Now it only reminds him of that last day, barreling through a still Shibuya to finally regain his life.

With a snarl of frustration, Neku’s eyes snap open. No door. Nothing has changed whatsoever except for the speeding up of his pulse hammering away, the shaking of his hands that want to fight doing nothing to calm him.

“How the hell am I supposed to save him if I can’t even get in?” Neku shouts into the empty air, raking a hand through his hair. He stomps a foot, fish scattering in alarm underfoot. Something is wrong, he can feel it in the air. If Joshua were okay he’d have appeared already to taunt him, right?

Why Neku, did you miss me so badly today that you had to break into my home?

Yeah, jackass.

“Please,” Neku whispers into the empty air, eyes closing once again. Panic has his chest tightening. Joshua needs him, he can feel it through whatever connection has been left between them, right? So why is he being forced to just sit here? What if he’s already too late? “Please let me in.”

With bated breath, he opens his eyes once again. Relief, strong enough to send him nearly to his knees, surges through him as he sees a tall, oaken door standing before him.

The panic in his chest curls tighter and tighter with every step closer he takes, has him hesitating as he shoves past the heavy doors. What is going on? This… doesn’t feel like him. He’s done this before, he’ll be fine. He has to be fine. Joshua has to be fine.

Why does he even care about the bastard anyway? What has Joshua ever done for him, really?

Graffiti rushes past him as his aching feet carry him deeper and deeper back to that fateful spot he and Joshua had last seen one another- that smirking grin, the smoke wisping off of the barrel of the gun. Three weeks of hell, just for that. What if this is just another of those stupid games of his?

Trust your partner.

Well. It’s gotten him this far, if with an extra bullet scar to his chest. He can trust CAT’s words one last time.

Besides, he can hear screaming.

Neku feels what’s wrong before he can actually see it, the hair on his arms and the back of his neck rising as something that he would describe as feeling like static dances across his skin and through his veins? What the hell? Is that Noise? That’s one hell of an energy spike for even a dangerous Noise.

But then Neku stumbles into that throne room and immediately has to throw his arm up over his eyes, squinting as a bright light nearly blinds him. Wind whips around the epicenter of this glow, tugging at his hair and his clothes and his heart. “What the hell?”

He plants his feet and squints through the bright light, grinding his teeth together through the pain as something deep in him tells him to get out, go, run. But he can’t because there in the middle of this power, this personal storm wrapped around him, is a tall figure with broad shoulders, curled over in pain and mouth open to scream, a pair of white fluffy wings sprouting from his back and flexing as if to try to pull the figure free from the storm. Neku can really only recognize him by the sight of that messy, curly hair and that connection that urges him closer, urges him to help. His partner is in pain.

“Joshua!” Neku grits his teeth and tries to take a step forward, only to be buffeted back by the power. He snarls and firmly plants his foot forward, then again, determination settling in his chest. He could turn back, return to the life Joshua gave back to him and forget this storm is happening, give in to the fear and anxiety and live like the ignorant RG person he is. Neku scoffs and takes a third step, bringing himself that much closer to his bastard of a partner. “Like hell I’m giving up on you after everything! You hear me, Josh?”

The storm seems to shudder in response, lessening slightly. That head lifts weakly, showing glazed, blank eyes that close in… resignation? No, that feels wrong. The Joshua he knows wouldn’t be giving up. What’s happened to him to get him here?

The fear curls up again as Neku fights his way through the storm. What’s to keep Joshua from killing him again, or this power that surges back up to meet his forward progress? His hands are shaking.

To think this is how he sees his partner again. No smarmy sudden howdy, Neku from around a street corner, or the bastard showing up suddenly to their friend gathering. No, Neku has to save his ass from whatever the hell this is. Fucker. He wants to yell at this idiot until his throat is hoarse, to yank him from this oppressive static clinging to him and hold him tight in relief. But Neku has to get Joshua free before he can do anything. Stupid.

“Get down here!” With another snarl, Neku shoves forward and plunges his hands into the glowing mass, eyes widening when his hands sink in to settle around a familiar wrist, a wrist he’d grabbed and dragged around Shibuya when his partner hadn’t wanted to participate in the mission. Neku grits his teeth and tightens his grip, thrusting his other hand in to snag Joshua’s shoulder. The form under this glowing feels like the kid he knows, the bastard who would giggle and taunt him. But it’s wrong, trembling under the power he’s trapped in. Static pricks along Neku’s arm, stinging warningly as if to make him release his prize. Neku shakes his head and ignores how he can’t feel his arm. “Damn it, I’m not letting go! That’s my partner!”

Neku grits his teeth and yanks, pulling Joshua free of the storm that tries to cling tight to it’s Composer. When he pulls that trembling hand free first, the white glow seems to peel away and leave a small, pale hand behind. Sure enough, as Neku hauls Joshua down from the epicenter and safe into his arms, static fizzles out and pops off of the tall form of what Neku can only assume is the Composer, leaving nothing more than the small teenager that Neku thought he knew so well leaning helplessly against his chest. Large feathered wings, disheveled and shuddering, hang limp from his friend’s back, drag against the ground as Neku quickly backs away from the storm that had possessed Joshua. White feathers rip free, pulled by the storm, and vanish upon hitting the ground. Joshua shudders in his arms and weakly looks up at him.

Joshua blinks hazily up at Neku, limp against his chest. His voice breaks when he speaks, hoarse from screaming if Neku had to guess. “N..?”

“Josh…” He looks exactly the same, right down to his clothing choices. But he also looks completely different, torn and beaten to hell and back from whatever was trying to rip him apart up there. Around his neck, hair tangled in the headband, lies a large pair of purple and grey headphones, battered and beaten from years of heavy use and worn from love. What the hell? Neku had tossed those things to the ground as soon as he’d realized he was alive. How did Josh end up with them? Why is he wearing them?

Questions for later. Are they safe?

Neku glances up warrily. The storm is just… gone, after its victim has been freed. Neku looks back down at his rescue in his arms. What was that? What’s been happening for the last week? Why does Joshua look dead on his feet? Neku frowns. “Are you okay?”

“I-” Joshua coughs, turning his face away from Neku’s. Everything about the boy in his arms looks worn and beaten. Dark circles cling to beneath his eyes. When’s the last time Josh slept? Does he even need to sleep? He sure looks it. His cheek rests heavily against Neku’s shoulder, tired gaze searching the dark corners of the large stone room. Neku follows his gaze, but can’t find anything. “I’m fine.”

Joshua seems to sigh, almost resigned as he tries to straighten up. Neku slowly lowers his arms, a hand resting between his partner’s shoulder blades- between those wings- as he wobbles, unsteady on his feet. The wings flare a bit, as if to steady him, but Joshua grits his teeth and they slump back to the ground. Neku frowns. Does that hurt him?

“You look like you’re about to keel over.” Neku scowls back at Joshua’s dirty look sent his way. It’s true. “What happened? What was that?”

“I am.” Joshua licks at his lips, gaze still slightly unfocused. Neku’s tempted to wave his finger in front of his eyes to see if he can track it. The blond leans in against the supportive touch to his back. “About to keel over, that is. It seems, Neku, that you’ve…” Joshua wobbles and raises a shaking hand to his shoulder, rolling out the joint a bit. He laughs sardonically under his breath. “It seems you’ve interrupted my execution.”

“Your what?” Neku asks sharply, baffled. As per usual with Joshua, every answer to a question only raises five more answers he needs. Joshua just cringes back at the noise, head falling back as his eyes squeeze closed. The guy looks like he’s about to drop, frail and ready to shatter. This isn’t the Joshua he knows.

Neku presses his lips into a firm line and gently takes Joshua by his upper arm, urging him towards that large throne at the back of the room. “C’mon, sit down.”

Joshua digs his heels in when Neku tries to pull him deeper into the room, shaking his head. He’s trembling in Neku’s grip, nearly collapsing in his attempt to pull back from where Neku’s leading him. Neku nearly lets him fall in surprise as panic flashes across Joshua’s worn expression, gaze locked onto the cold stone. “No, no, not there. The couch, in the Pad, but not here.”

“Okay, okay… not there. Got it.” Neku reaches for Joshua again, feeling almost like he’s reaching for a scared animal. What happened to him? He frowns and winds his arm around Joshua’s thin wait and drapes his arm across his shoulders. A little barbed tease about how Joshua needs his help rests on the tip of his tongue, laced with fury, but Neku swallows it down. He’ll have plenty of time to get mad at Joshua later. “C’mon, lean on me. You said we’re going to the pad?”

That has to be the weird western retro looking room outside of those invisible doors. What’s with that thing anyway?

Joshua gives Neku a blank look, reluctance in his eyes as he nods and leans against Neku. His gaze flits over one more time to the far wall, searching the dark corners, before falling to watch where he’s placing his feet. Must be taking a lot of concentration, Neku guesses, even with the way Joshua’s leaning his weight against Neku. Those pitiful, ruffled wings that look like they should be fluffy and bright drape over his arm and drag along the ground as they slowly make their way through the graffiti halls back to the RG. Joshua’s silent along the walk except for a tiny muttered curse when he trips over his own feet.

“Careful,” Neku mutters, pulling Joshua closer. This feels wrong, seeing Joshua so exhausted and practically defeated like this. The last time he’d seen his partner, the jackass had been smirking at him over the smoking barrel of a gun. He looked like he’d had the world resting in the palm of his hand, content and satisfied with how his plans had gone. But this Joshua looks like he’s on his last legs, tossed to hell and back and only clinging on to existence for some determined reason only he knows. Neku lowers Joshua carefully to the couch when they finally make it into that glaringly bright room, despite the urgency in his nerves. “There we go…”

Joshua blinks up slowly at Neku as he sinks into the couch, a grimace pulling at his lips as those long, wilted wings get pressed against the back. His eyes slide closed for a moment, brows knitting together in what Neku has to assume is pain, and the wings seem to simply fizzle out of existence. Neku can’t quite even focus on where they would be on the couch anymore. Huh.

Long, pale fingers are pulling at a thick blanket draped over the arm of the couch, but Neku can see how much effort it takes his once proud partner to even tug the blanket over himself. He exhales slowly through his nose, but looks around to find a distraction. He draws the line at tucking his murderer in. 

Neku turns away, gripping his arm. What now? He’s got questions, so so many questions, but he doesn’t even know where to begin, much less how to get the answers out of Josh when his partner knows so well how to run Neku in circles.

His gaze lands on the bar on the far side of the room. Neku’s feet take off before he can process the thought, taking him behind the bar to search through the various glass bottles lined up against the wall. He can feel Joshua’s curious gaze tracking his movements, sending the hairs on his neck standing on end. Neku scoffs. “Do you have nothing but wine and liquor here?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Neku,” Joshua murmurs lightly. He sounds so tired, but there’s a little more life to his voice now that he’s sitting down. Neku rolls his eyes. Who’s the ridiculous one here? “We have plenty of soda and juice back there for mixers.”

“I’m looking for water, dumbass,” Neku snips back, kneeling to investigate the minifridge stashed beneath the bar. He pops open the stainless steel door and breathes a sigh of relief. Behind a neat stack of soda and juices stands a few bottles of water. Neku snags one and grabs a soda for himself before standing with a groan and looking at his ex partner.

He doesn’t think he’s ever seen the blond look so small, curled in on himself with the thick blanket draped so carefully across him. Everything about him seems wilted, even his curly hair more tangled and limp than usual. His shoulders sag, as if those wings are still weighing him down. His gaze listlessly tracks the fish swimming through the flooring underfoot.

What’s with those things anyway? Is Joshua so far removed from humanity that he has wings? Maybe he shouldn’t be too surprised. The Reapers had wings, though they were black and gothic, skeletal and reaching. Joshua’s were long and seemed like they would spread wide if he were to extend them, feathered and full even as disheveled and painful as they looked. Joshua looked like he could have flown with them, if they were taken care of better.

Neku sighs and sets the can of soda and the bottle of water on the bar, leaning against it as he pops the tab with a quick jerk. Joshua looks up at the noise, tired violet eyes meeting Neku’s gaze. Huh. Neku’s lips turn down as he stamps down a surge of anger.

“So…” Joshua’s gaze dims even more as Neku starts off. His lips press together as Neku clears his throat. “What was that back there?”

“What was what, Neku?” Even his voice is tired, none of that cocky inflection that used to color his tone.and infuriate Neku so much. Neku needs to hear that tone again, if only so he wouldn’t feel like shit for still having the urge to deck the kid.

“That, Joshua, back in that stupid stone room.” Neku’s voice rings in the empty room, crossing the expanse between them. He’s worried about the jackass. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Is Joshua still in danger? Is Neku? He doesn’t like worrying, doesn’t like the bubble of anxiety that builds and builds and builds in his chest so he does what he always has and turns it into something else. That anger rises again. He comes all this way after missing the asshole who shot him for a solid week, and now he’s going to try and play coy? He was led like a dog to some stupid final showdown between people much more powerful than him and this is what Josh is going to try and pull in response? No. Neku grits his teeth. “What did you mean by execution? And damn it, you need to give me a straight answer this time.”

“Neku…” Joshua turns his gaze back down, expression unchanged by Neku’s outburst. He raises a delicate hand to press against his temple. He’s probably still in pain. “Now?”

“I can’t help you if you won’t share what’s going on!” Neku snatches up the drinks and marches around the bar to stand in front of the couch, facing down Joshua. He tosses the water bottle down beside Joshua, reaching behind himself to set his own soda on the table. His hands are shaking. Yelling at someone who looks like a walking corpse doesn’t feel good at all. “Why was I called here to help if you won’t even take it?”

“Called here?” Joshua blinks, expression slipping as he stares flabbergasted up at Neku. His brow furrows in as he gapes open mouthed at Neku. He clears his throat and looks away, tucking his hair behind his ear as he reschools his expression. “I don’t know of any such calling, Neku. I was a bit preoccupied.”

Right. Josh looked pretty wrapped up in that storm. Neku can’t forget those agonized screams. There’s no way he would have been able to make a phone call, much less send two different messages.

Neku can’t get over how exhausted his friend looks. The anger drains out of him all at once. With a heavy sigh, Neku flops onto the couch beside Joshua. He does relish the visible surprise on his partner’s face when he bounces for the force.

“What are you doing?”

“Staying with you.” Neku sighs and runs his hand through his bangs, shoving back the gelled spikes. “I’m making sure you’re okay. Drink some water.”

Joshua sputters when Neku reaches across him to pick up the bottle and press it against his chest through the blanket. He squirms, hands fighting free of the confines of the fabric to grip the bottle even as he protests. “I don’t need-“

“Drink. The water.” Neku snaps, crossing his arms. His gaze drifts to those headphones around Joshua’s neck. He doesn’t know what he’s doing here, or anything about what’s going on in Joshua’s head, but there’s some connection between them even still that Neku has to figure out. He doesn’t know why Joshua has his headphones. But it reassured him, strangely enough. “I want to help, dumbass.”

He meets Joshua’s wide gaze. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m still pissed at you and I will be getting answers. But I trust you.” His voice softens. “I won’t leave you alone like this.”

“But…” Joshua falls silent for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. The fabric tightens and loosens, as if fingers are clenching at it from the inside.

Neku nudges Joshua’s shoulder. “Water.”

“This is my penance, Neku,” Joshua murmurs quietly. The plastic of the water bottle snaps as he twists the cap off. Joshua pulls his feet up onto the couch. Neku swears he sees his jaw trembling before he turns away. But Joshua’s voice does sound tight, like there’s something stuck in his throat. “I’m supposed to be left ‘like this,’ to be left alone.”

“That’s bullshit,” Neku spits. The quiet admission strikes a chord in him. He once thought he could live alone too, that it was fine if he kept his world borders closed to only himself. That he deserved it. But he learned differently, thanks to his friends. To Shiki, Beat, Rhyme, and yeah. Even Joshua. “I’m sitting here right now, aren’t I? You don’t have to be alone.”

Joshua’s silent for a moment.

“So chivalrous, Neku. When did that happen?” He laughs, quietly and sardonically. Neku wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Joshua, face still turned away, tucks his hair behind his ears. “What I mean, Neku, is that I am quite literally not allowed to have any unnecessary contact with anyone. A Composer’s identity is supposed to remain a secret, you know. Only the Conductor can know who he is.” Joshua’s expression falters, a dark shadow across that cutting gaze. “And the powers that be have decreed that I’m not allowed to have another. Can’t be trusted not to break my toys, apparently.”

Some kind of punishment? That makes sense, Josh did try to nuke Shibuya. Even if he changed his mind, Joshua shot him, and even he has to face some sort of consequences for that, right? Sounds like it, if he has some kind of higher tier watching his movement. They probably weren’t too crazy about Joshua apparently going renegade.

But if Joshua isn’t allowed to have any kind of contact, then who the hell called him here? Someone who would insist that Neku is Joshua’s only chance at living.

It seems like every answer Joshua deigns to give him, he only has so many more questions to give back.

“Does that have anything to do with why you were being torn apart back there?”

“Ah…” Joshua flinches, the fabric of the blanket tightening around him as if he’s squeezing himself inside his cocoon. His voice comes out as a near whisper. “Yes. As you can imagine, Shibuya was… rather dissatisfied with my actions. She wasn’t too happy with me trying to destroy her current UG and hand the reins off. So… it appears as if she decided to simply give me what I wanted.” Joshua’s breath hitches. “Really, she must have seen it as a kindness, perhaps. After all the trouble I went through.”

Joshua laughs, one of those forced giggles. He nudges Neku’s arm with his elbow. “But how lucky for me that Shibuya adores you so much.”

She? Does Shibuya have… her own personality or personification or something? Alright. Sure. Not the weirdest thing that Neku’s heard of in the last month. His mind is running a mile a minute, stumbling over itself. He frowns in response to Joshua’s playfulness and nudges him back. Joshua’s smile wavers, but he covers it up with a sip from the water bottle.

Neku’s surprised at how quickly he’s learning to read this more fragile Joshua. He’s entirely on the defensive. If Neku pressed hard enough, he might be able to get any answer he wanted.

He just wants to know if Joshua is okay.

“So Shibuya was mad that you tried to nuke it- her.” Neku rubs the back of his neck. “But what? Adores me? What does that mean?”

“You spent three weeks tromping all across her UG, meeting the challenges set by her denizens and spreading your influence. You left a bit of you, Neku, near everywhere you went.” Joshua just laughs softly when Neku stares, flabbergasted at him. “It’s only natural that she would grow to love you. The same way that you grew to love her, no?”

“I… guess you’re not wrong.” Neku shifts uncomfortably, lacing his fingers together to hang loosely as he leans forward on his knees for support. He used to hate this city, hate its ideals and the noise and the crowds that made it all clash. But Shibuya is his home. The Game taught him to appreciate it, to listen to people and see how their differences make it a better city. “So… what are you saying? Shibuya led me here?”

“No.” Joshua shakes his head. The tiniest and most honest smile Neku has ever seen on Joshua’s face curls his lips. “And if my suspicions are correct, I can’t tell you who did. That’s beyond my jurisdiction. Normally that wouldn’t stop me, but I’m trying to get time off for good behavior.” He laughs- forced again- and tucks his hair behind his ear. “No, Neku, Shibuya was trying to kill me. Why would she lead you here?”

“I don’t know.” Joshua just sounds so resigned. He’s never heard him sound like this before. Neku feels helpless. “Because she knew I would try and save you?”

Joshua freezes beside him, the plastic of the bottle crinkling. Neku turns to glance at Joshua, catching only a glimpse of wide eyed confusion just as his head snaps away. Joshua shakes his head as if to clear it. “Ah, well. Of course, I’m very grateful to still be sitting here.”

“Will it happen again?” Neku takes Joshua’s momentary tension as a yes. Joshua’s clearly trying to hide his reactions and expressions as he usually does, but nearly dying must affect the amount of effort one can put into that.

“I have to assume so,” Joshua murmurs. He sighs. “A Composer is not meant to be without a Conductor. A Conductor not only serves as his Composer’s link to the Reapers and makes sure the Game goes smoothly, but he also helps to assist the Composer in guiding and mitigating the sheer power of the city that runs through the Composer. And as I don’t have a Conductor, I have to try and handle all this power on my own. Add Shibuya’s anger to that and…”

And Joshua doesn’t have long, Neku finishes silently. Joshua’s set back into the couch by this point, gaze tipped idly towards the floor. His partner looks sleepy, of all things. Guess that makes sense. Neku follows his line of sight and isn’t at all surprised to find him watching the fish again. He wonders what Joshua is thinking. He’s lost the one person who was allowed to know him. And now he’s fucking dying because of it.

“There has to be something we can do…” Neku offers weakly, mind racing. Joshua doesn’t deserve to die. He firmly believes that, even as the snarled knots of dual scars in his chest twinge at the thought. He still doesn’t quite know what Joshua was thinking during the Game (what did he mean, Shibuya was going to give him what he wanted? Shibuya was killing-). But it all worked out, in the end. He didn’t destroy Shibuya. He even restored it. Rhyme’s back, and she lost fair and square. Neku’s even pretty sure that he saw a poster for a Def March concert pop up a couple days ago. Josh did all that.

Neku runs a hand over his mouth. Could he…?

“You need a Conductor, right? They won’t give you one and aren’t exactly giving you the chance to appoint a new one.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that, but essentially that’s the gist.” Joshua tiredly lifts a hand, letting his fingers drift through his own hair. His shoulder leans just a bit more heavily against Neku’s. Neku sits back to support him better. Joshua sighs heavily. “So I’m quite out of luck, you see.”

So if Joshua gets a new Conductor, he’ll live. Those higher ups of his have made it so Josh can’t find a new one. Probably fair enough, considering what happened to his last one.

Neku has to be crazy to be thinking what he’s thinking, then.

“What if I was your Conductor?”

Joshua’s head snaps around, wide startled eyes clashing against Neku’s calm gaze. Jaw dropped, Joshua stares. Neku almost has time to find amusement in it when Joshua’s gaze narrows. “Are you an idiot, Neku?” Joshua snaps through grit teeth. Neku’s almost offended by the venom in Joshua’s voice. “You hated every second you spent in the UG.”

“Not every second,” Neku mumbles. It’s where he met his friends, including Josh. He would still be a lonely, abrasive asshole if he wasn’t forced into the Game. It doesn’t mean he forgives Joshua, and he’s going to punch him as soon as he can without knocking the Composer flat on his ass. But he can’t let him die like this.

“Nonetheless, you don’t even know what you’re trying to sign up for.” Joshua spits, shaking his head. He scowls at Neku, glaring. “Are you always so impulsive?”

“No,” Neku answers plainly. But he’s not thinking about himself right now. He hasn’t thought about if he wants back into the Game, even if he isn’t a player. All he can see are those wings that had dragged against the ground, the way they had shed feathers all across the ground like tears. Joshua could die. Neku can’t just sit back and watch something like that happen again. “But I can’t just do nothing.”

“You absolutely can Neku.” Joshua sighs. “I’m simply dealing with what I’m owed.”

Neku frowns and scoots closer to Joshua. Josh leans away for a moment, but looks down as he slumps against Neku’s shoulder. Neku clears his throat. “Your face deserves to meet my fist, but you don’t deserve an execution.”

“Don’t I?” Joshua tips his head back, leaning just a little bit more against Neku’s shoulder. He runs his tongue across his teeth, clearly deep in thought. “… do it.”

“What the fuck, Josh,” Neku spits. A surge of hot anger runs through him. What kind of jackass does Joshua think he is? “I’m not going to punch you right now. Do you think I’m that shitty?”

“You said I deserve it. Get it over with,” Joshua says simply with another infuriating shrug. “I’m waiting.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Neku bites, leaning away from Joshua. He grits his teeth. “Don’t fucking toy with me, Joshua. I’ve got some things I want to say, but it can wait until after I help you.”

Joshua scoffs. “You do still have all of your memory, yes? I know I haven’t taken anything I didn’t give back to you. Why would you help me at all?”

“Because you’re my friend, damn it!” Why the hell is Joshua being so difficult? Is this another of his stupid games? Neku’s anger burns hot in his chest. “I haven’t forgiven you, if that’s what you’re asking, but we’re still friends. I don’t want you to die. If you need me to become your Conductor for that, I’ll do it.”

It probably isn’t that simple. But in this moment it feels like it is. Maybe the Game won’t be so bad if he has some control over it.

“I don’t get friends, Neku,” Joshua hisses. A sympathetic pang runs through Neku’s chest, quenching some of the fire. He’s… shaking. Neku’s eyes widen as their gazes clash. Is Joshua… afraid? “Apparently I have a tendency to get them erased. You should run while you still can.”

Josh… wants him to get mad, Neku realizes. Is he trying to push him away? Well. Like hell is Neku doing anything that Joshua wants. He crosses his arms. “You don’t get a say on people caring about you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“You do realize what you’re volunteering for, yes?” Joshua sneers. He’s clearly shaken. This can’t be one of Joshua’s games. Neku doesn’t think he’d ever voluntarily look so weak. “Did you like the taste of metal so much, Neku?”

Neku’s breath hitches and his chest seizes up. He hasn’t forgotten what being shot felt like, or the ring of gunfire through Joshua’s pistol. He fought so hard to come back to life. He doesn’t want to die again, he just found friends, a new goal, things to live for! But he can’t leave Joshua like this… Josh is his friend too. But Neku can’t swallow around the taste of metal in his lungs, can’t hear around the thunder of gunshot in his ears.

But then there’s a hesitant weight against his shoulder, a warmth to distract him from the memory. Neku blinks and looks down to find Joshua facing  away, but leaning to brace his back against Neku’s shoulder. He’s pulled both legs up onto the couch, knees to his chest with the blanket wrapped around him as he faces away completely from Neku. Is Josh… trying to comfort him? Neku can’t see his expression like this. It’s odd, but not unpleasant.

“What would I have to do? As Conductor.”

“That’s classified information.” Joshua sinks deeper into his blanket. If Neku had to guess, that petulant gaze is locked on the fish below again. He sounds like he’s pouting. “I don’t want you as my Conductor, Neku, we’ve been over this.”

“You don’t exactly have a lot of people lining up for the position,” Neku tosses back. He frowns and leans in to press his weight against Joshua’s. A reminder that he’s there. This isn’t going to be the last time they talk. He won’t let Joshua be alone.

Joshua sighs. Neku can see the way his finger curls again and again and again in his hair. “You’d have to die again, for one, and how boring to lose your life just after having it returned to you. And then you’d have to put up with me constantly, listening to my whining and my demands and then you’d have to obey them. And most Conductors get erased in the line of fire when someone is gunning for the Composer’s position.”

Joshua’s tone is a little rushed, a little frantic. Neku can’t help but huff softly, smiling a little.

“Do you give this campaign speech to every candidate you have?” Neku snarks.

“Only the ones I don’t want.” Joshua sneers.

Neku hums in response. None of that really sounds great at all. But Joshua’s still trying to push him away. That can’t be all to it. “I’ve seen Def March in the RG. So I could still see my friends and could grab a burger here and there.” He nudges Joshua’s back. “Could grab you some of those chili dogs you like.”

Joshua’s hair pulls taut around his finger. Neku’s a little worried he’ll pull it out, but Joshua’s sigh cuts his thoughts short. “Theoretically, yes.”

“Then it doesn’t matter.” Neku can still expand his world from UG just as well as from the RG. He can finish the murals he’s started. He wouldn’t even have to give up any goals. Except maybe graduating, but it isn’t like Neku hasn’t thought about dropping out of school before. Hell, that only sweetens the deal.

“You are unbelievably frustrating, Neku!” Joshua shouts, running a hand through his hair. Neku’s never heard the other sound so done with the situation, not even when dealing with the Grim Heaper. “I am fine. I don’t need you as my Conductor.”

“Why are you being so frustrating?” Neku shoots back, shifting to look at Joshua properly. The other boy reluctantly shifts away to meet his gaze, frowning hard. Neku’s hands start to tremble. “I know you’re in pain. Every movement projects it so hard you should just give up on trying to hide it. You’re dying, Josh, and Shibuya’s going to finish you off if you don’t let me help you. I can do that.”

Neku sighs and sits back without breaking Joshua’s gaze, even as his friend visibly flinches. “If you really don’t want me as your Conductor, then fine. But let me fill in until you find someone you can work with so that you don’t just evaporate out of existence.”

“I don’t want to kill you again, Neku!”

“What, you already killed me once for your Game. You can’t kill me now to save your own life?” Neku snaps back immediately. Joshua looks hurt, like it took everything for him to admit that. It might have. Neku doesn’t particularly care. And yeah, he’s a little bitter. He’s allowed that.

“That was before you had to go and change! Had to go and change me!” Joshua tugs at his hair with both hands, teeth ground together. Joshua’s head snaps up to meet Neku’s gaze. He looks desperate. “Why didn’t you just shoot me?”

Neku presses his lips together in a firm line, meeting the stubborn Composer’s glare with one of his own. “How could I? You put me through all kinds of hell. You stole my life. Forced me through a cruel game. You manipulated me. But I’m still trusting you despite all that. Like I keep saying.” Neku softens his voice. Joshua’s just gotten more and more visibly distressed the more he’s spoken. “You’re my friend.”

“You trusted me and I threw another bullet at you!” Joshua scowls. Neku’s struck again by how fragile he looks. A shaking kid wrapped in blankets, beaten to hell and back and… nearly crying. Joshua hiccups as he struggles to fight back tears. Neku’s heart squeezes tight in his chest. “How could you call me a friend? I don’t… I don’t understand, Neku…”

If Joshua’s trying to convince Neku that he’s a horrible person who doesn’t deserve to be saved, this heartbreaking image isn’t cutting it. He just sees a lonely kid who’s been forced into even more solitude. Slowly, timidly, Neku reaches out to curl an arm around Joshua and tug him close.

“Wha-” Joshua gasps in his ear, but doesn’t fight when Neku pulls him into a tight hug. He squirms in Neku’s grip, but rests his chin on his shoulder. “N-Neku?”

“Just shut up for a second, Josh.” Neku wraps his other arm around Joshua, shifting to rest his chin on the crown of the Composer’s head. Joshua’s chest, pressed to his, is heaving and he can hear Joshua trying to take measured breaths. Neku tightens his grip. This is… really warm. He can’t remember the last time he had a hug. He squeezes his stubborn, frustrating jackass of a friend closer. Neku closes his eyes. “I missed you.”

Joshua shifts again and takes a moment to work a hand out of the blanket. Neku hides a smile in those blond curls as a tentative hand curls in the back of Neku’s shirt. Joshua sighs softly. “I’d tell you that I missed you too, but you told me to shut up.”

“Dumbass,” Neku laughs, snorting softly into Joshua’s shoulder. Damn it. He even somewhat  missed arguing with this guy. They still have a lot to work out, but Neku just can’t let him die. 

Joshua chuckles back and seems to melt into the hug for a few moments before loosening his grip. He pulls back to look at Neku, smile slipping away. Neku’s own grin falls at Joshua’s serious look. “I don’t want to have to kill you again, Neku.”

“Believe it or not, I’m not crazy about the idea either, Josh.” Neku crosses his arms. He really isn’t. He remembers the taste of metal in his mouth, the way blood had welled in his lungs. But he got Joshua to smile. It makes Neku just as happy as when he made Shiki smile today. “As long as I can see my friends again and live my life to some extent, I can handle it.”

“I suppose you will know your way around the Game by this point,” Joshua muses, the curl of his knuckles pressed to his lips in thought. Neku raises an eyebrow as Joshua laughs. “Especially as I was one of your guides.”

Is that him giving in, or bragging? Knowing Josh, probably both. Neku rolls his eyes.

“Right.” His gaze tracks Joshua’s movement as he pulls his fingers through his messy hair. His chest feels heavy. “So… we should probably get this over with quickly, yeah?”

Joshua twists his hair between his fingers. “If this is what we’re doing, then… yes, best to get this done as soon as possible, before Shibuya…” Joshua falters. Clears his throat. “Before Shibuya decides she’s tired of waiting.”

Joshua waves his hand. Neku flinches as a familiar heavy gun snaps into being in Joshua’s palm. His partner raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure you can handle this, Neku?”

“No,” Neku answers honestly. “But the only other choice is to let you die, right?”

Joshua nods, silent.

Neku takes a deep breath- his last one, maybe. He glances towards the padlocked door, towards the RG. Does he have any loose ends he wants to take care of as living and breathing Neku?

No, actually, nothing he hasn’t been told he’ll be able to do as Conductor. He can keep his friendships, can keep Shiki and Beat and Rhyme and he’ll be able to meet Eri eventually and he’ll be able to create still.

And he’ll be able to work out his complicated feelings towards Joshua.

“Neku?”

“What?” Neku looks up at Joshua. He holds himself up a bit better now, seeming to sit up a little straighter. One hand lightly grips the headphones draped around his neck. Neku’s a little afraid that the familiarity of the gun in his other hand is what’s bolstering Joshua’s confidence. But he kind of hopes that it’s Neku offering to be his Conductor that’s helped Joshua pull himself together. Neku raises his chin stubbornly.

“What are you waiting for? Shoot.”