#also i'm getting treatment for a rhinitis i'm suffering since the past year

[angiekurosaki]

It has been a while since my last vent post, so here I go again 🙃.

Currently, I don't have much energy to post here or to reblog things 😕 my pile of 'likes' to which I keep saying myself I will eventually get back to read better just keeps increasing and increasing (so, if I liked your fanfiction and I didn't reblog it, it was because I was gonna get back to it but I haven't!)

Anyway. I've been trying to deal with my anxiety and depression as always. Last year, I saw a psychiatrist from another city via online, but in the end it didn't seem to help a lot or feel it was actually working. My last appointment with him was in January, since then, I just continued taking the last antidepressant he prescribed me, it didn't help me radically but made possible for me to get through the next day.

Of course, I was worried I was taking meds without supervision so, last month I went to a new doctor that just arrived to the city.

No need to say that I just kept rearranging and delaying the appointment until last minute because honestly, going through the process of seeing a new doctor and explaining things is fucking exhausting. Most of times, it feels pointless too, and, of course, one single appointment is super expensive.

Nevertheless, I went. At the beginning, I felt quite relaxed, the new doctor asked me lots of questions, which was good! I guess The previous doctors didn't pay a lot of attention to that. I tried to answer in the best way possible, but sometimes he just kept pushing me to give a straight answer but that's not always possible for me! I think doctors need to understand that 'I don't know' is a valid response because it's the true way you feel.

When he asked me what my goals in life are or any kind of thing I want to accomplish I said that idk. And that's true, because honestly, I have no ambitions in the sense of 'wow i wanna become a manager'... but he seemed super surprised (in a bad way) that at my age I haven't figured that... so yeah, I'm kind of ashamed for that. But how could you make a plan to achieve something in your life when you have barely survived the whole time? Anyway, you know, most of the stuff you talk with a psychiatrist is shameful.

Even if I liked the beginning of the appointment, in the end, I kind of felt like he didn't take into account the whole context I'm in (financial problems, existencial crisis, capitalism, the fact that we are witnessing how resources are running out and how this fucking island which I live in is watching its sea levels increasing, inflation, prices going up, temperatures increasing too, etc).

I was a little bit disappointed and surprised because he didn't order any blood test or something like that. I told him that my last tests were years ago and I was expecting to know if I have anemia but I guess that for him, my problems were definitely mental and not physical?

I also mentioned that I'd like to know if I'm in the autism spectre, or it's just that some symptoms overlap with anxiety/depression. This is a genuine thought I've had for some time and I think that I would benefit to know if I'm in the spectre or not. It could explain many things in my behaviour...

After softly laughing (not sure how I shoud have understood that), he replied 'yeah, sure it's better to be tested' but he didn't gave me straightforward answer to that ????.

In the end, he mostly focused on my ocd and I feel like he diminished my depression. Even when I explained that my former diagnosis was dysthymia and that at least that part felt accurate. I was like, dude idk it seems like my depression is a great thing to take into account.

He prescribed Luvox (fluvoxamine) which is a med used especially for ocd, along alprazolam for my anxiety, but given that I was still taking escitalopram, he advised me to take just half of that pill in order to allow my body to stop being used to the previous pill. Honestly, idk if he just gave me Luvox because he had some free samples laying over there in his office 😒 (btw they expired in upcoming 2 days but according to him it doesn't matter and they were safe to consume). Yeah, he gave me about to expired free samples (?). [Context: sometimes you are gifted free samples of a med]

Other details of that appointment: he told me there IS difference between buying a generic pill vs a brand med in case of antidepressants and that I should have been taking the brand ones all this time... But those are super expensive!!! For instance, Luvox costs around 1,000 mexican pesos!

Given the reason that he said I DO have a lot issues (thanks, I guess), but everything sums up as generalized anxiety disorder, he recommended cbt therapy which is obvious a good option. Unfortunately, and as you know, therapy is super expensive and not affordable for every person, and we (family&me) are basically living day by day; so, as you can understand I can't just pay~ for therapy. Also, thinking about doing any kind of exposure therapy for my phobias scares me.

The (first) previous month with that doctor went with the hope of getting better.

You know, I think it's fair to say that since the beginning of the pandemic everything went downhill for me and my family. And it hurts you know? It hurts so much. It's painful to see how we struggle.

So, I went last week for a second appointment with that psychiatrist, and idk, I felt 'bruh'. He told me that it's surprising that the new med hadn't already worked and if that's the case, I should start new meds the next time. And I'm not gonna do that. I'm tired of switching meds, can't afford it either... I once again asked about the possibility of getting tested for autism but he said that '#1 getting diagnosed for autism as an adult is super difficult and #2 that I shouldn't 'look' for more issues in myself'... Does that imply that I'm making up all of this? If so, that's not a sign of anxiety? Hypervigilence or something like that? According to him, the fact that I do have the desire to have friends and socialize even if I can't now due to my anxiety, it's a sign of not having autism. Wanting to have friends is exclusive of neurotypicals??

At this point idk if I'm super defensive with doctors in general, but hold on, how I'm not supposed to feel that way if they are used to ignore illnesses and have zero empathy? (talking in general)

He also told me that maybe my problems and isssues were emotional and psychological (what a surprise🙄) and that I shouldn't expect for the pills to fix me. But dudeeee the only thing I'm expecting is to be a somewhat functional human being. Maybe I'm craving that 'high happiness' that I got the very first time I tried meds years ago that allowed me to see hope, clarity and happiness around me, that allowed me to believe people loved me and give me the energy to dance a funky song. But of course, I can't say that because the doctor would think I'm just wanna be drugged... Not sure if I explained that well...

I don't know if I just need to have more appointments with that psychiatrist to trust him or maybe because he's very young he is somewhat inexperienced in some mental illnesss. Idk what i'm talking about anymore.

In conclusion, idk friend... Idk... I just know that life hasn't been treating us fair to me and my family. Being poor difficults life so much *sigh*. And you would say 'why don't just get a job?' I wish it were that easy.

For real, I feel unable to hold a job, idk why. Please, believe me when I say it's not because I'm lazy. I swear it. Physically, the mental pressure I feel about the thought of working for 8 hours approx, for six days a week in my context (my city/country basically normalizes bad work conditions and work abuse) seems overwhelming. For example, this year I only worked for 1 month approx (which is super embarrasing) as a teacher at an elementary school but the conditions were terrible!!! I didn't even have social security neither I was legally working. They didn't formally hire me in order to evade taxes 😒. One colleage there got covid while working and was sent home without sick leave, this means she didn't get paid those days. In summary, I didn't have worker rights established by law. Did I mention that I was paid LESS that others that began working the same day as me (I was earning minimun wage!!! But I was 'hired' as a bilingual teacher! Can you believe it? Not to mention that I was expected to be speaking in English 100% of time for the children because yeah it was a private school with a mentality of 'parents pay, parents are entitled to order). Lots of problems there, so I quit, but seeing how all my ex classmates are working and overall doing great just makes me feel miserable.

Btw, I just formally received my degree!! Which should be super importand, I should feel proud because I know how much I struggled to get it and how hard I studied, but at the same time I don't feel motivated to celebrate it. My sister and my mom said we should at least go to eat outside but I refused because I know how much we struggle to make ends meet.

Also, I feel super dumb because my abilities at speaking English had become rusty and it's super embarrasing for me, who once were a top student. I don't believe I can do well at English anymore. Actually, writing this post (in a language I'm not native in) is not easy right know.

*Sigh*

Reading fanfiction used to make me happy, maybe my unhealthy coping mechanism, but honestly, I don't feel that much excited anymore about anything. I mean, yeah sometimes I read ff but it doesn't hit the same anymore. Maybe I'm just numb. Or maybe it is just that I can't seem to focus properly to read or even watch a damn movie.

I keep saying 'when I get better I will watch this show and this movie, etc' but it just doesn't happen. And at this point I don't know at what extent it's mental/emotional illness/distress or what is just a product of measuring people's worth based on productivity due to capitalism™...

Anyway. I'm trying myself really hard to just grow up and get a job and accept that we live in a society™~.

Heavens, just let me have a job I don't mind doing that helps me get some money.

The fact that many of our problems would solve if we were rich enough to treat our health speaks volumes about the current society 😢