#also i went off my meds like two months ago and just didn't tell anyone

[acewritesfics]

I Almost Lost You | JAY HALSTEAD

⚠️ THIS IS A REPOST FROM MY MAIN BLOG @/DLMLUFICS. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY. MORE INFO IN MY PINNED POST.

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Wife!Reader

Request: From Anon

Fic Type: Imagine

Prompt: "You think you can just push me away like that?”  

Warnings: Mentions of being shot, surgery, crime.

Word Count: 849

JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST || TAG LIST SIGN-UP

©️ no one has permission to copy, translate and/or repost my works on here or anywhere else.

Jay sat next to the hospital bed where Y/N is currently resting. His arms are laying on the bed, one of them clutching hers. She'd fallen asleep a little more than an hour before, both of them gripping each other's hands, fearful that if they let go, the other would disappear like she almost had. 

Intelligence has been looking for a duo who were robbing businesses and killing anyone who got in their way. They claimed to be the next Bonnie and Clyde and went out in the same manner as the originals. Y/N was shot three times during the shootout a little less than 24 hours ago.  

Despite his best efforts, Jay is unable to shake the visual of her lying there, her breathing and pulse growing weaker as he works, in complete fear of losing her, to stop her from bleeding out. 

Y/N and Jay have been married for just over three months, and he has already nearly lost her. He bites his lower lip, fighting the negative thoughts that remind him he could still lose her, especially given their line of work.  

“What’s going on inside that handsome head of yours?” Y/N’s raspy sleep filled voice, brings him out of his thoughts.  

“How much I love you,” he tells her, thinking that now is not the time to hash out what he’s really thinking about. Though, he is always thinking about how much he loves her.  

"Don't do that," she says gazing at him, drowsily. "You think you can just push me away like that?” 

"I'm not trying to push you away, babe," he says giving her a soft smile. "I can't now that you're wearing my ring."  

"You know what I mean," she sighs. "I'm so doped on pain meds, it didn't come out right." 

"I know what you meant," he assures her, gently squeezing her hand.  

"Don't go quiet on me, Jay." 

"I almost lost you," he starts telling her what he's thinking and feeling. "We've been married for three months. We’re just starting our lives together and I could have lost you. I almost lost you."  

“It’s part of the job,” she whispers, weakly squeezing his hand.  

“Don’t… don’t say that,” he tells her, frowning. He knew she was being nonchalant about it right now because of the drugs but it didn’t help how he was feeling or the thoughts clouding his head. “Not right now.” 

“I’m sorry,” her lips pout as she lets out a quiet sob, tears building up on her eyes. 

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Jay tries to reassure her as he moves closer to the bed and brings her hand to his face, gently kissing her fingers where her rings usually sat. They had been taken off during her surgery so they wouldn’t end up damaged or lost. “You did nothing wrong. It’s their fault and mine for not being there to protect you.” 

“You can’t be in two places at once,” she cries holding no resentment towards him like he seems to think he deserves. 

“No but I’m your husband as well as your partner. It’s not only my job to have your back, it’s also my vow to you,” he stands up, leaning over her to wipe away the tears and kiss her gently. “You know, us being married, living together and all that, means you won’t be able to cheat recovery and come back to work earlier than the doctors order right.” 

She can’t help the chuckle that escapes her lips, through the tears and sobs. “Yeah, but I have a brother-in-law who’s a doctor.” 

“And I’m going to tell him if he tries to do you any favors so you can get back to work sooner, I’ll find something to arrest him on.” 

“Yeah, you would do that.” 

“You’re damn right I would,” he says and tells her, “Voight’s given me some time off so I can take care of you.” 

“It’ll be a mini vacation,” she says giving him a weak smile.  

“For you it might be,” he kisses her again before reaching into his pocket and pulling out her engagement and wedding bands. He slips them back on to her finger and brings her hand back up to his lips and kisses the same spot as before. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” she says letting go of his hand and carefully shifts over in the bed and pats the now empty spot next to her. “I don’t care what the doctors have to say, I need my husband with me tonight.” She adds before he can protest.  

Kicking off his shoes, he climbs onto the bed next to her, making sure to not hurt her even more. Careful of her injuries, she finds a comfortable position for them to lay in and places the blankets over him. 

It doesn’t take long for Y/N to drift back to sleep unlike Jay who remains awake until he can no longer keep his eyes open, afraid that if he does fall asleep, that he’ll open his eyes when he awakens and she’ll be gone. 

TAGGED: LINK TO TAG LIST SIGN-UP ABOVE.

[running-in-the-dark]

oh my god I'm so glad we have already found a new apartment

our downstairs neighbour just talked to me! (I'm pretty sure it was on purpose that she did it now, she'd have known my partner is at work...)

she was so fucking angry. because my partner didn't clean the wheelie bin (twice!). and because - according to her - he didn't clean the staircase at all two weeks ago when it was our turn, and instead did it last week. which is just not true at all? he did do it, I saw the used rag and everything. and she yelled at him then too, so he went back and cleaned it again.

and he told me that he asked her what the problem is exactly (so that he can do it the way she wants it) and she said 'there's dirt' and refused to say more. which is completely unhelpful when you don't see the dirt (she showed it to me, I did not see it at all).

but to me, she said 'why doesn't he just ask??' and I was like is that a joke. he literally did that on several occasions and you said you don't want to say, he just needs to do better.

I was so pissed off, I didn't just stand there and take it like my partner does. which tbh just seemed to make her angrier (at first) lol. but I said we're moving out next month, partly because of her constantly yelling at us. 'me? yelling? that's not true' lol yeah you're literally doing it right now. and she said she talked to our landlord - I said yeah, she told us and said she thinks it's super childish of you to complain about that to her (probably shouldn't have said that but whatever, we're almost out of here, I don't give a fuck anymore).

the other neighbour had her door open and was just silently standing there the entire time, it was a bit weird.

she also said she's lived here for 40 years and it's never happened that someone is this bad and doesn't stick to the cleaning schedule. and I'm like... dude is this your only problem? this is the thing that makes us awful neighbours apparently?! not fucking cleaning the wheelie bin every fucking time we put it out (it's October!!! she said something about doing it in summer!! we don't know anyone who does that regularly AT ALL!!), and maybe messing up when cleaning the staircase? there were cobwebs one time and she lost. her. mind.

I cannot comprehend something this small and petty being your biggest problem. we are literally SO quiet. we don't do anything annoying. we don't have parties. we don't have screaming children. we're nice and polite. but no apparently we're awful. she was also really mad that my partner doesn't say much/anything when she yells at him. and I said '... he's scared when people yell at him??' and she just wouldn't accept it (this is literally the biggest problem in our relationship, he shuts down when there's ANY conflict, even when you're completely calm, so yeah bitch you can fucking believe it when I say that!!).

she did eventually stop yelling when I kept telling her it's fucking unnecessary to be so angry about this and that she can say this shit in a friendly way. lol. apparently she's not used to people not being scared of her (I get that, she's terrifying tbh. but I'm fucking done with her bullshit :) )

anyway, it really sucked, and she also woke me up so I was a mess and very confused. but! my anxiety meds are definitely doing something (even though they're not working perfectly anymore) because I'm just angry and annoyed, not scared. no panic attack yet. so that's good.

[hshouse]

Umm so I think we might be going into the same field but like i just started grad school a month ago and I'm struggling so fcking hard keeping up with all the work (my adhd meds are NOT doing the job i need them to be doing) and socially i have not clicked with ANYONE and I feel so intimidated and isolated and I know I stick out not talking to anyone bc EVERYONE in my section is always talking to someone and people have already started forming groups and made friends but I just dont know how to I guess??? Idk but I feel like im 8 years old again with no friends which is a bizarre fucking feeling to have at 23. But like its BAD and I can't even speak up in the classes that don't cold call and ask for volunteers even though I want to do well so badly bc I feel so fucking small amongst all these people. I just kind of completely shut down as soon as I walked into the first day of orientation and haven't recovered from that.

And like I'm so fucking scared to start working bc even though i took two years off from undergrad I'm so burnt out already and jumping straight into the corporate world seems terrifying for my mental health (and general health tbh) but like going into PI isn't really an option bc if I'm going to go through with this I NEED to be making money to make it worth it and I guess what I'm trying to ask is like does this shit actually get better??? bc I'm highkey spiraling and have been since I started school and I honestly don't know if I'd be better off dropping out and going back to teaching even though I'll be absolutely broke and living at home for the foreseeable future or if I should just stick it out and be able to afford to support my parents and fucking take my siblings to disneyland for the first time. Like i knew this was gonna be hard but I guess it's just hitting me actually being here how fucking miserable I am and just I dont know. Sorry for dumping all this on you 😬 I guess I'm just wondering if you have any advice? Like I'm so scared I'm not gonna make it, like I'm not cut out for this field and am just gonna get absolutely crushed by it. And like I know that on paper I'm fucking smart af and definitely deserve to be here, like I'm at a fucking ivy league rn, they wouldn't let me in if they didn't think I'd make it. I just am finding it very hard to believe that I'm actually going to have a successful career if I'm struggling this bad at the very start.

Also idk how tf you went to school in a completely different country, like MAJOR props to you bc that must have been SO fucking hard. I'm struggling with moving across the country to a state where I know absolutely no one, but at least I know one of my siblings is an hour flight away and the rest of my family/friends are an 8 hr flight away. You should be VERY proud of yourself (I'm sure you are) bc I've only been in grad school for a month and this shit is SO HARD to handle and like fuck you're almost done with it and about to start your career and that shit is fucking AMAZING and BADASS and I genuinely wish you all the fucking success in your future

Hi bby,

Oh we are definitely doing the same thing. Thank you for the wonderful compliments, I really really appreciate it. And congrats on getting in!

I’m sure you know that this is the hardest year. It also has NO no NOOO bearing on your talent for the job. First thing they tell you at the job orientation is “nothing you learned in grad school will be useful here.” Shdjsh it’s a completely different thing that is muuuuuch more enjoyable than the boring ass stuff you are learning rn. For me it felt very much like year 1 is one program and years 2&3 are a totally different thing. Once you get your job during summer 1, all bets are off lmao. You just need to finish the thing. So really the pressure is only for 1 year. So that helps with the mindset of like “I only need to get to May.” In terms of getting the job, I have to be honest: they only care about your school. I had straight Bs and got like a major one. On the first group of the rank if you know what I mean. So go into knowing that you WILL get an offer and most likely many. I always tell people that getting into the school is the last real hurdle. Now, you just ride the wave. Once you get the job you will really feel like it’s done.

About the job itself, there is genuinely no better job out there. Yes it is a shit show in terms of commitment and amount of work but it is absolutely disproportionally well compensated. Like in a bizarre way. You will not get fired (unless you like assault a person etc). So you have this job kind of for life? It’s extremely secure. Do not get intimidated by it. It’s mostly you alone on your computer lmao it’s lit. You are so close to this DO NOT drop out. It is worth it. The money will change your family’s life. It will change your life for ever. Even if you leave at one point.

You are the same age I was and I get the vibe. It’s annoying but *none of it matters*. I just treat it like its drivers ed lmao. I’m there to be able to do the thing. I don’t care about yall wihdishshs. Speaking in class is meaningless and getting it wrong is like whatever. Do you care when ppl get it wrong? I barely notice it. So I think shifting your mindset from “this is undergrad 2.0” to “this is a prep course I am in and out of here” really helped me. I felt very alone during year 1. But as soon as year 2 starts everyone gets shuffled around so that cliquey feeling goes away massively.

I hope this helps! Pls come back if you have more questions as you move through the stages. But I promise you, you are in the worst part of it. Hang in there!!!!!

[is-trump-dead]

6/12/2022

no :(

[lovely-echoo]

Sleepy Bois Inc x FranBow!Reader

In-game AU

Part 1/? Pt.2

Plantonic!SBI x Young!Reader

(10/11 years old)

OneShot/Drabble(?)

Genderneutral reader (they/them) 💜

INFO; If you haven't played or seen game play of Fran Bow then you can skip this if you'd like. If you don't care then go ahead.

Summary; Basically if you've seen/played the game you should know how this goes, you take place of Fran. So you go/went through the same things she did and you still have Mr. Midnight. This takes place while Fran is still in the mental hospital and then got teleported near the SBI.

Honestly I kept thinking about this but was afraid to request it to anyone so I'm doing it my myself-

If I get any info wrong, I'm sorry! I rewatched Markiplier's game play so it shouldn't be way off.

P.s not everything is described the same.

(^ art by sunquids on twt)

CW/TW: mentions/includes of cussing, gore, death, blood, consumption of medication, sexual assault (brief mentions of Damian/The King)

Fluff/Normal

(Angst if you squint)

How you ended up there - How you met Philza and Technoblade

As you were walking around the hospital, you decided to take a pill to see if it'll help.

You watched as your vision blurred and some sort of demonic noises rang in your ears.

After a few seconds your vision cleared up, you took a look around the front desk.

The once dull and lifeless room had turned into this even duller and just plain deathly like room.

Blood was everywhere, random body parts of babies where thrown around. A skeletal figure was hung with what looked like an umbilical cord wrapped around its thin bones, it was connected to this baby covered by a blue blanket.

Just about everything looked grotesque.

Suddenly the floor ahead of you opened and this slimy black tentacle like arm grabbed you by the waist and pulled you in.

It seemed you may have passed out during your fall because you woke up to the sounds of hissing and supposedly two men.

Oh and let's not forget the killer headache causing the ringing in your ears. :)

You rubbed your eyes as you sat up, the light around you seemed much brighter than before.

You looked at the two men in front of you and then glanced down, you spotted Mr. Midnight!

His fur was spiked up and his ears were flat against his head. He seemed to be trying to protect you from the men.

Ignoring their presence you immediately scooped up your precious fur baby in your arms.

Your mind completely forgot about the fact there are two strange looking men in front of you.

A few droplets of water dripped down your (S/C) cheeks onto your (F/C) shirt/dress.

You started crying, so much happened in a short period of time and you found your cat you oh so desperately tried to find.

It panicked one of the adults. Said adult was an average tall man with slightly longer blond hair than average, he also had a green and white striped bucket hat. But what stuck out the most was the large pair of wings behind his back.

At first you thought that it was your pills fault but everywhere around you looked….

Normal?

It seemed like your meds wore off while you supposedly passed out.

But that doesn’t help or ease you at all. If the side effects wore off then how the hell did he have wings?!

The blond walked towards you slowly, like you were an injured puppy. His blue eyes roamed around your body, as if studying your every mouvements.

The other man who was beside him earlier seemed to tense up and looked at him as if he grew another head. He was on edge you assumed.

But he looked even weirder to you. He had long pink hair tied into a loose braid falling over his shoulder. Was it natural? He also had tusks peeking out from his bottom lip, they were large but not enough to be in the way. His skin seemed to be on the pinker side, it was roughed up with scars and calloused in certain areas. You noticed he had pig ears poking out his crown. Is he a king of sorts? Wait, that reminds you of someome... Oh! The king of course!

Ah yes, the king. You quite missed him actually, he was playful and let you use his cane- sword to get a key. But he didn't know about that part. You wonder if he's doing alright right know, the asylum sucks. And the shadow thing next to him said weird things to. Who exactly is the holy man? Why'd the shadow say he took off his clothes?

You couldn't dwell on it to much as you got distracted by the approaching man.

He reached out his hand to stop the winged male. “Phil-”

But the man named ‘Phil’ interrupted the crowned male by putting up his hand. He stopped his hand and let it limp to his side.

“It’s alright Tech, they seem harmless.” ‘Phil’ reassured, though ‘Tech’ nodded his head with a stern expression. There was still hesitance in his sharp red eyes.

‘Phil’ took the same hand he put up and reached it out to you. A soft and kind look in his eyes, you could’ve gotten lost in them if you weren’t careful.

“You alright there kid?” He asked, crouching down to meet your height from where you sat.

“Y-yeah, I think so…” You winced, your throat was hoarse and dry. You peered at ‘Phil’ as he took out this glass bottle with what you assumed was water.

He handed you the fragile bottle, he saw the look of hesitance in your childlike eyes. But something about them set off alarms in his head, they were dull. There’s nothing wrong with that of course! But they were too dull, at least for a mere kid.

He recognized a glint of trauma in your (Eye Shape) eyes, those beautiful (E/C) orbs had seen something they shouldn’t have. Haven’t they?

“Don’t worry mate, it’s fresh water.” He examined the way you handled the cork, you were inexperienced. He could tell you’ve never needed to do it, but why? It’s really the only way so far to keep water with you.

Did you not have any?

While he was lost in thought, you just had noticed he had an accent of sorts. Nothing wrong with it, you've just never heard of someone with it.

(^ Ignore that if you are british)

While the winged male was off in his own world the piglin hybrid watched as you sniffed the clear liquid in suspicion before letting your cat smell it as if you were looking for their approval.

To his surprise they did give it to you, the black cat nodded it’s head and squeaked out a meow. That strangely sounded like a yes- but he dismissed the thought. Probably was just the voices fucking with him.

You gulped down the water as if you hadn’t had any for months.

‘Why tf are they so desperate-’ ‘lowkey kinda concerned lmao’ ‘they look like they’d be an orphan tho’ ‘lmao maybe’ ‘idc about the kid, i want the cat’ ‘absolutely-’ ‘Nah fuck the cat, im allergic.’ ‘lol and?’ 'PFT ANY ASKERS???'

Those were all different voices speaking and overlapping each other.

Technoblade sighed as he glanced at his father, he knew him on the back of his hand. He let him be and slowly walked next to Phil and kneeled down.

“What’s your name kid?” he asked, taking the empty bottle you had handed him. “(Y/n), (Y/n) (L/n)/Bow.” You bluntly answered, looking at him in the eyes. He noticed how bloodshot they were, I mean you did cry not even 5 minutes ago.

"What's yours?" You questioned tilting your head a bit in the process.

Unbeknownst to you, some voices in a certain someone's head were losing their shit, squealing and chanting ‘protecc tiny bean’ over and over again.

"The name's Technoblade, but you can call me Techno." Strange name in your book but your not the one to judge. You simply nodded your head in acknowledgement.

"That guy is Philza, but you can call him Phil." He pointed his thumb to the unfocused man. Technoblade or Techno- cleared his throat.

“You’ve got somewhere to stay? Where are your parents?” “Why can’t you mind your business?”

Techno’s eyes twitched in annoyance and his teeth clenched to hold back any crude words.

Although he noticed the flash of pain in those dull (E/C) orbs of the mentions of your parents.

He sighed once again, something you noticed he did a lot. At least, so far he did.

“Look kid, do you have a place to stay or not?”

And that's how you ended up meeting your new family. . . <3

I may include a taglist if anyone's up to be tagged lmao

[dragonmuse]

Could you tell us more about your running? Why you do it, what it means to you, and if you want, your typical mileage/paces?

I can! It's a long explanation, sorry. You may all have noticed I don't do concise really.

Content warning: health and weight talk to follow (no specific numbers mentioned)

I am not a natural athlete to start with and I much prefer curling up on my couch then working out much of the time. Periodically over the last decade or so, I have re-resolved myself and managed to make it a few months before falling off again.

Then the pandemic happened. And my blood pressure, never awesome, started to soar. I was working full time as was my husband and we had a kid at home, so like for so many of us, it was pretty stressful and my relationship with food went totally toxic. On the plus side though, I was working out my gender identity, was back in therapy for the first time since my teens and got over a seventeen year paralyzing fear of the dentist to finally get my teeth fixed.

I arrived in February this year the largest I've ever been and probably the most mentally healthy I'd been in a decade. I don't mind being fat, I've been some level of fat my entire adult life. So none of this was in the goal to become less fat, I want to be amply clear on that. It's a byproduct, but not the goal.

The goal was twofold, to build a better relationship with food and to get my blood pressure down as much as I can naturally. I will go on meds if required, but would love to put it off if I can. My doctor thinks this is possible, so I'm operating under her guidance (plus some common sense, someone save us all from doctors who think fast, extreme weight loss is a good thing).

So I bought the cheapest pair of running shoes that still looked like they'd hold up and set out. I started with a couch to five k program and on completion just kept going.

Why running?

I can just step outside my front door and do it. I live in a quiet neighborhood and that's where I do all my running. Just me and whatever other suburban dweller is out getting in their morning air.

I hate gyms. I don't want to go to a class or be taught how to use a machine. Working out already makes me feel vulnerable, I do not wish to interface with anyone else.

I have, against all odds, come to enjoy doing it. This didn't happen the last two times I tried this and I think it was because of the treadmill. This year I have run through rain, freezing and melting temperatures and I have no regrets. I really prefer being outside and there is something exhilarating about taking your frail human meat sack out into the elements and saying 'ha! I am capable of running down a sprinting prey animal out of sheer endurance, not that I would, but you know the theory is sound'.

I can totally disassociate at a certain point. A lot of exercise requires you to be very present. As long as I'm paying enough attention not to get hit by a car or fall over, I can think about what the hell Izzy or Eddy or someone else is up to and daydream my way through working out. It's awesome and has made many words flow.

So what does it mean to me? It means trying to stay on this fucked up planet as long as I can for my kid. Yes, I like feeling healthy for myself blah blah blah, but I brought my kid into the world and I'll be damned if I'm leaving him a parent short for even a minute longer than I have to. This is survival, baby. I ain't eating this much fucking salad because it's fun.

And...okay yeah, it means that I'm proud of myself every time I do it. Every time I get up and move this shambling mortal shell and make it do things it couldn't do even a few months ago is pretty cool, I guess.

As far as mileage and pace, I am so fucking slow, but I am getting faster! Mileage is also building up. I run two to three times on a weekday at about 15:45 a mile for two and a half miles. On Saturdays when I have more time, I go for three and a half miles and last time I got to 15:09 a mile which was frankly miraculous. In March I was lucky to get under 17 minutes for two miles, so I'm pretty pleased with that progress.

Right now, I'm trying to build endurance and speed very slowly. I don't really have time to go for a long run more than once a week, but my next goal is to hit four miles on a Saturday and maybe get a 14 minute mile going.

Also, no one asked, but I listened to an 80s cardio station on pandora for the first few months and that's where most of the titles for the stories came from. Recently switched to the larger mix of a running channel to change things up.

[a-mended-pact]

Chapter : Seven

This chapter is Reader and Spencer finally discussing what's going on. It's a little angst but a semi happy ending.

Taglist is open. 🥰

Part 6

This one is definitely one of my favorite chapters I've written so far.

Word count: 3,121

I am currently experiencing heavy writers block so I would love to know your thoughts or theories!

If you have questions for the series please message or send an ask.

Requests are open

I ended up walking out of the room and I could feel myself shaking. I was infuriated. I had been so upset with everything that happened between Spencer and Cat that I couldn’t see straight. Maybe I was being overly emotional but to be fair I still haven’t slept yet. Spencer had followed me out but neither of us made it far before I saw Ethan sitting in the break room talking to Jj. I glanced at Spencer then back at him. ‘He deserves to be in a cell, not in our break room. You and I both know that.’ He sighed and nodded knowing damn well now was not the time to fully argue with me. My hands were sore. I needed a release from the stress of the past couple of days. I would much rather the endorphins get released by Spencer and I tangled within the sheets.

It had been sometime since Spencer and I had been intimate due to work and me just not being in the mood because of the recent changes in my medication. We hadn’t openly discussed what had been going on with us to anyone on the team. At least I didn't. I wanted to keep things to myself. I had always suffered with dark thoughts and bad coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until Spencer pointed it out when we started living together. That it wasn't pointed out to me. He had spoken to me about it as gently as possible because he understood it was a sensitive topic that could either make me sob or be deeply upset with him and push him away. 

It luckily ended in me trusting his judgement and he set me up with a psychologist. Within a month of therapy they decided I needed meds for my issues. Mood stabilizers, Antidepressants and anxiety medication. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find the right ones that worked for me. I was lucky enough to have a person in my life to love me through the changes I had to experience during that time. I unfortunately suffered from a hazy mind. If I get too focused on something I tend to forget to take all of the above. Spencer always kept a track of when I took them. He’d message me when I needed to when we weren’t together no matter what. 

Of course he couldn’t when he was kidnapped. So here I was having a hard time processing everything I needed to. ‘You need to go home and sleep, eat and take your medication my love.’ As he spoke he cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. I couldn’t help but notice the way Ethan looked at me with envy from the other room when I wasn’t staring into Spencer’s golden irises. A part of me felt like Spencer was just trying to get rid of me but I also knew he needed to come home and rest too. I can’t imagine he actually got any while he was kidnapped even if he was presumably only with Ethan. 

I grabbed his hand and held it to my face as I leaned into it. I didn’t care that I had to stretch out my freshly made wounds. If anything the pain was a nice distraction from the whirlwind my mind had become from the ticking of the hours that had gone by. ‘Please come home with me. Ethan will be taken care of and it’s not like the Kitten can get out of her cell. Please.’ His eyes softened as he heard me speak and he went to shake his head no until Emily spoke up from behind us. 

‘Both of you are going home. Neither of you have a choice in the matter. Everyone here has gotten rest but you two. The rest of the team and I can handle this by ourselves for a little while. Go home you two.’ She spoke loud enough to cause a scene and I couldn’t help but wince as everyone stared. ‘She’s right you haven’t eaten a proper meal Y/L/N in days’ Rossi commented from the peanut gallery. I pulled Spencer’s hand away from my face and squeezed it tightly. I hated being called out by anyone that wasn’t him. He has learned how to do it without making me feel guilty over the past couple of years. Right now all I felt was guilt. Guilty over the fact that on top of worrying about Spencer they were worried about me as well. I was such a screw up I swear. ‘ I agree I think I saw you resting your eyes maybe 10 minutes before you headed to the vending machine for an energy drink because the coffee wasn’t working for you anymore.’ Luke commented as he brought me my cardigan that I had draped over my chair at my desk. I sighed as I looked at him. 

‘Guys we are going. I promise.’ Spencer spoke as he began to pull my hand lightly to lead me away from everyone. ‘Don’t forget to put him in a holding cell.’ I said as I pointed at Ethan as his eyes never seemed to leave Spencer and I. I locked on to his gaze and followed his line of sight. Correction: it wasn’t on both of us. It was only on Spencer. 

I squeezed his hand harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Ethan was truly creeping me out at that moment. Why was he staring at my husband like a child that had their favorite comfort item taken from them as a punishment.  Perhaps in a way that's what I was doing. I knew the moment he and I left they would treat him like an unsub as they should. He'd get no special treatment because Spencer wouldn't be around. I was giddy at the thought and let out a small laugh as I walked out of the building with him in tow.

-----------------

I felt a weight leave my chest when Y/n asked me to shower with her. I logically knew it was probably because she couldn't bring herself to actually wash her hair or even herself.  I was just thrilled over the fact that once our front door was locked into place she didn't turn around and snap at me about what happened between Cat and I.  I knew what I let happen bothered her greatly. We've spoken about it before many times.  I knew this time though I had almost opened Pandora's box. Perhaps I had only placed the key into it instead. 

Still pulling her into my arms as the hot water washed over us was enough to make me sob into her freshly washed hair. I never wanted her to doubt my love for her. Yet here I was showing attraction to two different people and that wasn't fair to her. Sure it hadn't been spoken about nor did she know about the relationship Ethan and I shared when we were much younger. She had a right to know. I knew that. I also knew now wasn't the time to mention it.

I felt her put her full weight into me as the water droplets rolled down her soft skin. She seemed so fragile.  We seemed so fragile.  Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was making up scenarios that would never come. Her hand inched up tracing the wound on my chest underneath it's bandage. I tried not to wince but no matter how gently she caressed it with her fingertips it still stung like it did when it was given to me mere days ago.

'I can't believe he did this to you.' Her voice was barely a whisper as if she too were afraid it would shatter the solace we found behind a mere shower curtain.  I caught her hand in mine and placed it over my heart. I leaned in and kissed her as gently as I could muster. She returned it in kind but I could tell she had more to say. So of course I let her. 

'He hurt you Spence and all you've done is protect him. I want to understand but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd protect a man that did such awful things to you.' As she spoke I remembered why I let him get away with it. It was simple. I couldn't remember who had actually hurt me. If it were him or Lindsey.  I never coherently saw her. I only saw him and I felt like that was deliberately done. 

'Sweetheart, do you trust me and my judgment on the matter?' As I spoke I pulled away from her to turn the water off and grab a towel wrapping her up in one first before I grabbed my own to dry myself off too. I watched in awe as she dried off and her breast jiggled as she did so. I had to turn my gaze away. Now was certainly not the time to be trying to bed my wife. I would be lying though if I said I didn't want to distract myself from everything that had happened these past few days.

Her and I both needed rest. She needed to eat first to take her medicine.  That was top priority not my raging lust for her. 'I do. I just. I don't know there's things I don't know that I need to know before I make my final judgement on the situation. All I know is that my husband has been sexually touched, kidnapped and tortured in a matter of days and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome besides not walking out of the bureau when Cat touched you through your slacks!'  

I could hear the frustration in her voice as she pulled on her panties and one of my t-shirts from college.  I watched her as she quickly left the bathroom to head into the kitchen. I quickly slid on my gray sweats and rushed after her. I didn't like the idea of her being alone when she was angry and not in a great state of mind. 

'I'm sorry.' I pulled her into me as she began to make herself toast. I placed a kiss on the junction between her neck and shoulder. 'I should have stopped the whole thing sooner. I just kept trying because I was certain if I did she'd slip up but she never did.' 

By now I knew how Y/N's mind worked. 'Spencer you didn't stop her because you didn't want to. Whether you understand your attraction to her or not. You've always wanted to sleep with her. You yourself told me so when we were just friends. Don't start lying to me now about things' She pulled away from me and took the toast and her glass of water to the couch.

I realized then that she had actually made me some toast as well. I turned around to grab my own glass of water and her medicine. I sat beside her and sighed. 'Eat first then take your medicine. If you are feeling up to it I'll tell you before we go to bed tonight. Everything you need to know and probably things you'd rather not hear but as my wife and my best friend you have the right to know everything.' 

She nodded as she bit into her food. Tears were silently streaming down her face already. I knew right now that it wasn't because of me. Not fully anyway she was just overwhelmed.  

We ate in silence. I handed her; her pills and she took them without complaint. If anything she seemed rather numb to everything around her.

'Maybe telling you should wait.' I said as I pulled her to me. 'Thank you for not fighting with me about taking your medicine.' I kissed her cheek. 'I'm proud of you and how well you've held yourself together while I was gone.' She wasn't codependent on me per say but praise was always something I gave her. Especially after mom started to pick fights with me about her medication.  Y/n was a walk in the park for me compared to her. She always felt bad that I needed to take care of her when she wasn't in her right state of mind. 

To be honest though I love taking care of her. She was perfectly capable of doing anything and everything on her own but she trusted me enough to shut her brain off for a bit and let me take the reins for a few hours or even days. Right at this moment was one of those times. It's not like I didn't have days and times like her where I shut my mind off as well because I did and she would baby me and look after me like I am her at this very moment. 

'I'd rather you tell me right now. I don't have the urge to fight or to do much of anything.' I nodded as I pulled her up with me and led her to the bed laying down with her and holding her from behind.

'First and foremost. I am in love with you with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want you to doubt that but I'll understand after I tell you everything if you do but I need you to always remember I will choose you without hesitation, without question.' She nodded after I was done. My fingers traced up and down her hand as I held her as close as possible. 

'I'll always be your best friend first. Then your wife. That was something I told you on our wedding day and I plan to stick by that choice. I only ask that you stay remaining honest with me. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in your mind. As long as we stay honest with one another I know that we can make it through anything.' She pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. She was more than I deserved and I don't think anyone would ever understand how much I didn't deserve her.

'I'm not sure if it was Ethan that hurt me. I know he was the one to kidnap me but other than that I don't believe it was him. He would never hurt someon-' I stopped myself as I was searching for the right words. I could tell she was waiting with baited breath. 'Ethan would never hurt me like that would most likely be the proper word to say.'

She nodded 'You're holding back love. Just say what needs to be said.  I can take it.'

I bit my lip and exhaled. 'Ethan wouldn't hurt me like that because he has been in love with me since college. We um.. he was- i-' I was struggling trying to form words. The past Ethan and I had together was a good one but he was also my first heartbreak. 

'He was your first love huh? It's okay Spence we all have a past. Some of us just don't stay close to those from it.' As she spoke she rolled over to face me with a soft smile on her lips. 'Keep going. It's okay.' I know all of her wanted to cup my face but she restrained herself and just made due fiddling with my wedding band on my finger. Which is something she always did when we were having a deep conversation. I knew as long as she was playing with mine and not her own that we were okay.

`We were friends for a long time before him and I became intimate with one another.  We always sorta stepped around the subject but one day after class he asked me out on a movie date. One thing led to another and I was in his room and we- we slept together.' She nodded again telling me to continue as her eyes stayed on her moving fingers. 

I made a face. It's not the fact that I didn't want to tell her it was just the fact that I didn't know how. 

'We dated all of college and then we separated when I joined the academy. I made it and he didn't.  We grew apart. One thing led to another and I caught him in a very intimate position with someone. He claimed that the other person involved was the one that started it. He didn't have time to react before I walked out.' 

I didn't dare look at her. I knew it was dumb of me to still be so hurt by what happened between him and I but I was. I trusted him deeply even to this day but I just couldn't let go of the way it looked like that wasn't their first kiss. No matter how many times he proved to me that it was.

Her hand moved to cup my face as she kissed away the small tears that I was shedding.

'I'm sorry he broke your heart Spencer.  You didn't deserve that.'

'After I left we never fully spoke again. I never gave him the time of day. Not fully.  We'd talk as friends and we'd talk for cases such as where Jj met Will but other than that I just shut anything to do with him out.'

I looked at her finally, my vision blurry with unshed tears and she looked at me and smiled softly at me. 'The truth is I was in love with him.  After him I fell in love with Maeve. Then I met you and it's like everything started making sense again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to you originally because in some aspects you reminded me of him.  I think that was one of the reasons I first realized I was attracted to you.'

She pulled me in suddenly and kissed me sweetly on the lips.  'I love you Spencer. You and the things that make you, you now. We need to talk about Catherine but I'm getting very very sleepy and all I want from you right now is for you to let me drown in you and pretend for a small amount of time that these past few days haven't happened.' 

I pulled her into me and held her as she buried her face into my hair.  'I love you Mrs Reid more than you will ever be able to comprehend.'

With that we both fell asleep for the first time in 4 days. 

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

His || K.TH

Pairing : Kim Taehyung X Reader

Genre :  fluff, i2l ( idiots to lovers), somewhat of a smut undercut but no actual smut

Summary : Taehyung fell in love with you the moment you saved him from the shit excuse of a hybrid 'sanctuary', but it takes jealousy to actually get to talk about it with you.

Wordcount: 1.8k

[ A/N: So there was a Quotev reader who had a story suggestion for a wolf hybrid Tae, I decided to make ut into a one shot instead and instead of Wolf hybrid Tae, I decided on Alaskan Noble Companion Dog Tae. Anyway, enjoy!]

Masterlist

Taehyung's pointy black wolf like ears twitched on top of his his dyed blonde head due to all the sounds around him.

It was currently almost 2 A.M., and he had woken up to the movement around him.

Which was weird, it was usually completely quiet in the 'sanctuary' around this time. However, there was currently an unnerving amount of different sounds around him. And even tough he couldn't see anyone, he could almost feel the tension.

" What about this one?" A femine voice sounded outside the metal door he was hidden behind.

Who was at the sanctuary at this time? 

His ears went back in caution as he sat up on his bed, ready to pounce at whoever would enter his room.

" He's a little.... I don't know. But every time I see him, he's growling at us." He recognised the voice of this guy as someone who worked in the sanctuary, he'd never talked to him before, but he does recognise his voice.

A genuine chuckle left the your lips, as if it's funny.

" That's probably because you work here. Okay! Fella on the other side of this room, step back cause we're about to blow it!" Your voice sounded, and Taehyung listened, even tough he was confused.

His tail wagged softly behind him in curiosity.

" You better cover your ears!" You yelled before a beeping sound was heard.

At first the beeping was soft and even, but after a few seconds it was just a flat screaming line, and before he knew it the door was blown up.

Where the door used to stand was now one big hole, and he could see how his neighbor, a black jaguar hybrid by the name of Yoongi, was also let out of a big hole instead of a door.

" See! I told you it'd work!" You yelled to the sanctuary worker, who smiled and nodded.

Taehyung growled at the worker, who was in his uniform, probably because he had the night shift.

" You can go. I'll take it from here." You told him, now serious, as you faced Taehyung.

The worker nodded and walked away, off to help the other hybrids out.

Taehyung eyed the pair of tweezers and scalpel in your hand warily.

You took a look at it too before openly showcasing it to him.

" Yeah, I know. I seem like a mentally unstable person whose going to kill you. But we need to get your tracker out. Do you mind?" You asked.

Taehyung was surprised to say the least, never had a human asked him if he was okay with what they'll do to him.

He wordlessly shook his head, unable to form a sentence.

You smiled thankfully at him.

" Turn around please. Your tracker is in your left shoulder blade. They put it there so you can't like, scratch it out or something." You instructed him.

He nodded, and took his shirt of with it, that way you had easier access to his back.

" Thank you. What's your name?" You asked him, trying not to let your hands wander over the bruises adoring his back.

" Taehyung." He answered, His voice deep and husky.

" Nice to meet you, Taehyung. I'm Y/N. Also a fair warning, this'll hurt." You warned him before pushing the scapel into his skin.

Taehyung sucked in his breath from the pain, but didn't move. 

" W-what would you have done if I hadn't wanted you to cut it out?" Taehyung asked after a moment.

" We'd try to create a malfunction in it trough the laptop. But that'd be way riskier and overall not nice. Or we'd take it out on location. " You said as you pushed his tracker out.

Taehyung didn't say anything as you pulled something out of him.

" There. Now off you go. There's a bus outside, they'll take you to safety. We'll stitch you up once we're at base. Oh, and throw your tracker in the river." You told him as you handed him his tracker, a small black object which looked a lot like a phone's chipcard.

" Wait- Where are you going? What about you?" Taehyung asked, suddenly overcome with concern.

" I'm going to help the other hybrids out." You told him before turning away and walking down the hall.

Taehyung decided to follow you. Not all the hybrids in here are safe to approach after all, and you're saving him, he should maybe save you too.

That's how Taehyung met you, and he couldn't have been happier.

You were part of a Hybrid Activist group, you were the Med guy in the team, taking out hybrid their trackers and patching them up when needed.

After helping him break out, he's decided to stay with you. You were fine with that, and treated him more like a person than pet, unlike how most people treat hybrids.

It's now six months later, and Taehyung feels grumpy as he watches you and the new hybrid that came in around a week ago.

The two of you were right now at the Hybrid Sanctuary where you worked at, and you were working hard as always. Whenether it'd be to care for the little ones or to care for the elder ones, you never seemed to mind their requests.

It wasn't that he didn't like the new rabbit hybrid, the guy was actually pretty cool and all. It was more that the rabbit was more often than not a little too comfortable around you for his liking. 

Like right now for example, you only sat down a moment ago to rest and the hybrid was once again glued to your side.

Taehyung's jealousy grew as he watched your hand move into the hybrid's hair, your fingers probably scratching the base of his ears.

It did seem very comfortable. Would it feel nice if you'd pet his ears too?

Even tough you two lived together, you had never pet Taehyung like that. The most you've done is run your fingers trough his hair when he was tired.

Your gaze suddenly spotted Taehyung's intimidating one, and you smiled at him, seemingly unbothered by the intensity of his eyes.

He gave you a small smile back in response before it turned into a scowl again as the hybrid at your side nuzzled his head into your neck, probably scenting you.

If he was younger, Taehyung wouldn't have minded, he knew that the younger hybrids often did it to get your scent on them, something hybrid parents usually did by their children as it made them feel safer. However, this guy was only two years younger than him, so he obviously knew what he was doing. And you're not stupid, you probably did too. He did not like that one bit, you were his after all. Altough he never said it out loud, he tough that you probably knew that.

Or maybe not, He tough as he glared at the two of you.

-

" Okay, tell me. What's wrong?" You asked Taehyung as you sat down beside him on the couch in your home.

He's been acting weird all afternoon, glaring at you for no reason and ever since you've been home he's been quiet.

" Nothing." He huffed, crossing his arms and looking at the tv, which wasn't even on.

" Tae." You sighed.

He made an acknowledging sound in response.

" C'mon. Tell me what's wrong. I can't smell emotions y'know?" You said, softly brushing some hair from his cheek.

" Why do you let that rabbit hybrid do whatever he wants?" He suddenly asked.

" What?" You asked confused.

" You know a lot about hybrids, why do you let him scent you? You're not his to scent." Taehyung grumbled, now facing you.

You blinked.

" He feels safe around me, I didn't think anyone would mind." You shrugged, now realizing that there indeed is someone who minds.

" I mind." He grumbled.

" I get that now yeah. Why do you even get jealous? You don't seem to care when one of the youngers scent me." You told him.

" They do that because they see you as a mother figure of some sort. Jungkook did it because he sees you as his 'girlfriend' or something." He said.

" Well, it's not like I am tough. I'm sure he knows that I'm single and-"

" You're not single." He cut you off.

" Sorry?" You asked him perplexed.

" I tough we were a thing?" He asked.

" What made you think that?" You asked him.

" The days of my rut." He andwered bluntly and honestly.

Your cheeks went pink at his answer. You had indeed helped him out in his rut, he didn't trust anyone else. But after those days everything had gone back to how it was before, so you tough that he didn't want you as a girlfriend.

" I pleased you for days. What makes you think I would want to touch anyone else or that we're nothing more than friends? I tough we crossed the line that day." He asked concerned.

" I- I don't know. Everything just went back to how things were before your rut, so I tough that you didn't want me like that." You said, avoiding his gaze as the loose thread of the couch was suddenly more interesting.

Taehyung shuffled closer to you, throwing his arm around you and softly kissing your forehead.

" Why would I not want you like that? I just tough that you weren't into skinship as much. You never pet my ears like you pet the rabbit's either." Taehyung said as he leaned his head under your chin, scenting you.

" Sorry." You wishpered.

Taehyung didn't say anything in response, instead grabbing your hand and dropping it ontop of his head.

You smiled but didn't say anything in response, simply complying to his silent wish.

Taehyung's tail wagged as he leaned his head into your hand, your hands were just as good as he imagined.

" Just to be clear, we're now a couple right?" Taehyung asked as he looked at you trough his piercing eyes.

You smiled and nodded, pecking him on the lips.

" Hell yeah we are."

[spencers-dria]

Things Left Unsaid

Someone To Stay Ch. 12

Content/Trigger Warnings: mentions of drug abuse

"Where is he?? Where's Spencer?!"

You run through the hospital doors into the waiting room to find your Aunt JJ and Derek sitting quietly.

JJ quickly stands up and grabs you by the shoulders, trying her best to calm you down.

"Y/N, hey, look at me. It's okay. He's okay. Take a few deep breaths. Spencer is fine. We are waiting till they say we can go back to see him. Why don't you come sit for a minute? Just try taking deep breaths okay?"

You follow her to a seat, reluctantly. She rubs your back soothingly as you feel your breathing start to slow. You fall back into a seat in between her and Derek. The more you feel yourself calm down, the quicker reality hits you. Tears start to fill your eyes, threatening to fall as the memories play over and over again in your mind.

You're woken by the ring of you phone across the room. You rub your eyes and look around. You fell asleep watching Netflix on the couch again. You stumble your way over to your phone as you answer with a groggy voice.

"Hello?"

"Y/N, hey its JJ."

"Hey, what's going on? Are you guys still out on a case?"

"Umm yeah, that's why  I'm calling actually. I know you and Spencer have gotten to be pretty close friends and..."

Her voice trails off and the line goes silent. You feel a lump start to grow in your throat. In that instant, you feel your switch flip off, the switch to your emotions, allowing you to focus only on what needs to be done, and not how you feel about it.

In a cold voice, void of any emotion, you finally speak up.

"Where is Spencer?"

"He's in the hospital. He's been shot. It was pretty close to some major arteries. He's in surgery at a hospital here in Seattle."

You take a deep breath in, processing all the information you've just been given. "Okay, okay I'm on my way."

"No! There's nothing you can do here. They're going to stabilize him, then we plan to have him transferred to your hospital. By the time you get here, they'll probably be done and getting ready to transport him. I know it's hard, but just stay there for now. We will see you soon."

You stay silent for a moment before answering. "Okay. I'll stay here. But I want someone to tell me as soon as he gets here!"

You hung up the phone and walked back over to your couch. As you sunk back into it you felt your mind wander. The  image of Spencer getting shot, of him bleeding out...Spencer on an operating table, or hooked up to a ventilator...

You feel your switch threaten to come back on. You know if you let emotions in now you will fall apart. You are determined to stay unemotional, unattached. You are preparing for the inevitable hurt you know will be coming your way. So you sit there in silence, in the dark, waiting.

You sit there for two more hours until you get the call, the call that he is out of surgery and is on his way to your hospital nearby. You snap out of your stupor and into a sharp focus. You jump up from your couch and grab an overnight bag. You quickly stuff it with pajamas, comfy clothes, meds, glasses, contacts, toothbrush and anything else you can think of. On your way out the door, you grab Spencer's spare key. About a week and a half ago it had been his idea to exchange spare key's "in case of emergency". You had never thought any such emergency would arise, but here you were.

You quickly drive to his apartment. You jump out of the car and run up the stairs of his old building, the wood floors creaking below you as you move as quickly as you can. After unlocking the door, you see an empty black duffle he uses for a go bag for work. You grab it and make your way to his room. You don't think Spencer will mind. The two of you have become extremely close, and this IS an emergency. You stuff his bag with all the same essentials, but you make sure to grab a large assortment of his favorite comfort go-to books. You look at your watch, seeing you still have some time before they arrive.

You decide to swing by the store on the way to the hospital. Running into the grocery you grab a few of his favorite snacks including his favorite coffee.  You know just how bad the hospital's coffee is. You make sure to grab some chocolate iced donuts from the bakery section. Once at the checkout you see a couple science-based magazines, recognizing them as ones he's read before you grab those as well. You take a few deep breaths. You know you have to calm down if you want to get to the hospital safely.

As you sit in the waiting room, all you can think about is that phone call and the series of events that brought you here. You run your hands through your hair, pulling on it out of frustration. You focus on your breathing as all the noises around you fade into the background.

You aren't quite sure how much time has passed when one of the nurses approaches JJ and pulls her to the side to update her. JJ walks back over and sits beside you.

"They're letting one person in for now. They said after he's a little more awake, he can have more visitors. You're his best friend. I think he'd want to see you first."

She gives you a comforting smile as she squeezes your hand.

"The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts to check on him. Let us know if you need anything."

You nod as you follow the nurse back to his room. You recognize her. She's transferred patients to you several times. Thank goodness she doesn't try to greet you or make any small talk. All you care about right now is making sure your friend is okay.

As you walk through the all too familiar halls of the hospital, it feels like time begins to slow down around you. You can hear your heart beat in your ears. This is so different from the your usual cool demeanor amongst the many horrific things you've seen within these very walls.

When you finally reach the doorway, your eyes land on your friend. You feel your heart stop. You know that he's okay, but you never expected to see him like this. He's sleeping, probably on all kinds of heavy medication. His hair is even messier than usual, the dark circles under his eyes more defined. He looks like a ghost of himself. You see the bandages covering his shoulder and chest and tears finally push their way out, spilling down your face. You let them go for just a minute, letting it out of your system. You can't let him, or anyone else see you like this. You quickly wipe them away as you make your way to sit in a chair beside the bed.

You reach over and grab his hand, holding it as though he would slip away if you let go. You steady your breathing as you take a moment to look at him. He really was beautiful. His overly defined features, long lashes, plump lips, caramel curls falling softly to frame his face. Its as if someone painted him to be perfect. You reach up with your other hand to brush a piece of hair out of his face.

You whisper softly. "You really had me scared you know. They said you would be okay but... It just seems like everyone I care about leaves. I like to think by now you wouldn't do that to me, not on purpose anyways. I'm so glad you're okay. We have a lot more adventures to go on, you and I. I have a feeling that we have a lot of wonderful things in our future. So you've got to stick around for a long time, okay? I need you to stay."

"You can't get rid of me that easy."  You hear a soft reply and a chuckle, causing your eyes to shoot up. Spencer is looking over at you from hooded, groggy eyes, still clearly in a medicated haze.

"I'm so glad you're okay Spencer. I don't know what I would have done if you had.."

"But I didn't." He cuts you off.

"We don't have to think about that okay. I'm just glad you're here."

You suddenly feel embarrassed, that you were the one to rush to his side, and no one even questioned it. A couple of months ago you were strangers, and here you were, the first one he sees when he wakes up in the hospital.

"Oh well...JJ and Derek, they're here too. The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts. We were all worried. We all really care about you."

He smiles at hearing this. "I don't deserve you...uhh any of you. You're all like family to me."

"I almost forgot, I brought you some stuff."

You pick up his bag and set it next to him on the bed, allowing him to look through it.

"Hospital gowns really suck. And I know it can get really boring in here. Sorry I went through your stuff. I was just in such hurry and well, you said to use the key in an emergency and I figured this..."

"Hey." Hey cuts you off as her grabs your wrist. You had started to spiral, another side effect of your anxiety.

"Take a deep breath. It's okay. I really appreciate it. I actually can't believe you did this for me. You even grabbed all of my favorite books." He smiles as he pulls out a couple to set on the nightstand. He also grabs his glasses. He probably hasn't been able to see properly since the surgery, since they would have taken his contacts out. He makes his way into the snacks and starts munching away happily.

"I can't believe you did all this for me!" He smiles up at you, face full of food, like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

"Only if you share," you laugh as he hands you one of the donuts.

"What's in the other bag?" He asks curiously, glancing over your shoulder.

"Oh that's just my stuff." You shrug, not wanting to make much of it.

"Your stuff?"

You roll your eyes, knowing he won't let it go.

"Yeah you know, clothes, pajamas, toothbrush, etc." You turn a bit read, knowing how presumptuous you had been in bringing all of it, but you don't care. Spencer is priority, not your pride.

Spencer opens his mouth to reply but you continue.

"And before you can say anything about it, no I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

You still fully expect him to argue with you on the matter. What you don't expect is the giant grin he gives you as he pulls you down toward him, leaving a soft kiss on your cheek before pulling you in for a hug.

His head is buried in your shoulder as you hear

"Thank you Y/N...for everything."

The two of you stay there for a moment before a knock at the door causes you to jump up.

JJ steps inside "Hey Spence, I brought some people to see you."

She's followed by Derek and Penelope, who has her arms full of flowers, candy, and stuffed animals. You hadn't expected any less from your colorful, cheerful friend. She really knows how to brighten up a room, and goodness knows these dreary hospital rooms could use a dash of Penelope.

Spencer exchanges hugs with the three as they all sit down to talk with him. When they start talking about the case, you find yourself having to walk out of the room. Spencer seems unbothered by the situation. You get that it must be normal for him and the rest of your friends, but you aren't used to having the people you care about in harms way.

To them the guns, the blood, the danger, its all just another day at work. The blood you were used to, it's the putting their life on the line every time they go out into the field that makes you feel uneasy.

You make your way to your hospital floor, greeting some of your coworkers, explaining why you're there on your day off. They offer hugs, kind thoughts and prayers before you make your way back to Spencer's unit.

Hotch, Rossi, and Alex are now sitting around the bed. Spencer is sitting up more, looking a little more alert than before. He also looks in pain, but you know he won't say anything. In your experience, the men usually try to tough it out, especially with other people around.

You lean over near him and talk low enough for only Spencer to hear.

"Do you want me to call the nurse? We can get you more pain meds. I'm sure it's well overdue."

He brushes you off. "No, Y/N, I'm fine."

You're slightly annoyed at the front he's putting up, but not surprised.

"Look it's not a big deal, no one is going to judge you for needing a little help to get through this. Any normal person would. Why don't I just go ahead and..."

"I said no!" he grabs your wrist before you can hit the call light.

You're too stunned that he's yelled at you to say anything in response.

"I told you I'm fine. I don't want any pain medication, okay? Just take no for an answer and leave it alone."

You are completely used to moody patients yelling at you, taking out their frustrations on you, but this came out of nowhere. It's so out of character for him.

The other three take this as their cue to leave, as they each hug you and Spencer goodbye before exiting through the door.

"What the hell, Spencer?! All I'm trying to do is help you! Why did you just yell at me in front of everyone?"

You look over to see not anger in his eyes, but sadness. He's looking down at his lap as he fiddles nervously with his hands. You can tell he's on the brink of tears. You assume he must still be moody as the anesthesia wears off, something you've seen often.

"I need you to stay." he mumbles under his breath.

You scoot into the bed next to him, wrapping your arms around him to comfort him. You pull his head over to you, as you rub his back, trying to sooth him. You don't know what's wrong, but you can tell he's hurting.

"Of course. I already told you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Not j-just tonight...always. If I tell you everything, I don't think you'd stay in my life any longer. You're my b-best friend, and I can't lose you."

You feel his tears start to soak your shirt, but you don't care.

You whisper your promises softly "There's nothing you could ever tell me that you make me walk away. I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if you're one of the, what do you call them... unsubs or whatever. I'm staying right here, Spencer Reid."

He takes a shaky breath as he tries to calm down. He begins to tell you the story of one of their cases, and how it led to him being kidnapped. It was a man with DID, one personality the abusive father who had kidnapped Spencer, another being the son who thought he was helping.

"I tried to convince him to let me go. He wanted to help, but he was too scared of his father. He decided the only way he could help me was to take the pain away..."

Spencer gets choked up as he struggles to continue. You knew he had seen a lot of dark things and endured the trauma with Maeve, but clearly this affected him deeply in a way you had never seen.

"He injected me with dilaudid, multiple times. In the end, I had to shoot him. I had to kill him. And before I left, I took the drugs with me. I used for months after. I didn't know how to deal with what I had gone through it seemed easier just to...escape I guess. It made it easier to deal with problems in my life too, issues with my mother..."

You continue to rub his back, making sure he knows you are still here for him, despite divulging the horrors of his past.

"I have been clean for years now but...addiction it never really..."

You give his arm a squeeze causing him to finally look up at you. His eyes are puffy and red from crying. His cheeks are tear stained.

"I get it, Spencer. I understand. I'm sorry I pushed you, if you weren't ready to tell me. But it means a lot that you opened up to me about this; I know that can't have been easy. Just know, there are options here, non-addictive pain medications, if you really need them. But I won't push you okay? Just tell me what you need."

He wraps his arm around you before laying his head down on your chest, letting out a deep sigh of contentment and closing his eyes.

You swear you hear him whisper "You" before he fades back into sleep.

You make it your purpose to lay as still as possible, as not to wake him up. You lay your head back, letting yourself drift off to sleep as your mind swims with thoughts of feelings and things left unsaid.

A/N: If you're enjoying the story, I'd love to hear your feedback!! Thanks friends 💖✌🏻

I wanted to come back and add this. For anyone struggling with substance abuse or any mental health issues. You are not alone. You are always welcome to message me. I encourage you to talk to someone, anyone. That is why I will be adding a few hotline numbers below here. These are available 24/7

Resources:

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1 (800) 662 – 4357

https://www.samhsa.gov/

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

[lionesslair77]

Brief Update

To fans of the Self Sufficiency blog series, sorry I have been inactive as of late. My job has taken priority of the past few weeks, my husband just started a new job, and I’ve still been dealing with my very sick dog. Not much motivation to blog, as when I do have free time I’ve been running away to the woods. All other free time has been consumed by  trying to help our dog complete some items on the bucket list we made for him so we can spend as much time with him as we have left. We’ve been working on some ultimate spoiling for our boy, and he is sure enjoying it.

It’s been a month of ups and downs since his cancer diagnosis and I think we finally found a combo of meds to keep him comfortable for now. The meds help, but the side effects make things a little tough. The meds he’s on cause him to be extra thirsty and also urinate more, add those two things together and you have a great combo. We’ve had to put Iggy in a belly band diaper to keep him from having accidents, and I broke out his old crate to keep him confined over night. My husband and I decided we’re going to put in a dog door for him, despite our landlord telling us over and over that we couldn’t install one. Fuck you my dog has cancer, and I hate having to put him in a diaper or in a crate where he sometimes wets himself because I have to work all day. Fuck getting our deposit back. I’m finally seeing some life in my little Iggy boy again and just a week ago I took him for a lazy hike in the mountains. We only went one mile, but seeing him so excited and happy to be hitting the trail brightened my life. It was like he didn't’ remember he was sick at all, and I had to make him take it easy so he wouldn’t over do it. If he’s having a good day and has energy I’ll take him for a hiking adventure on my days off, we can’t go nearly as far or risk the tough trails but he doesn’t mind.

I may place the Self Sufficiency series on hold for the time being. I’m playing with the idea of doing a few blogs on frugal living, as I probably have some really great tips for anyone interested in saving money and getting by on next to nothing. I would like to revisit the Self Sufficiency series at some point when I have a little more time to devote to finding good links/sources/info.

[pointthefingerblametheother]

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.

[spencers-dria]

Someone To Stay

Original story by Fairytales1896

Content/Trigger Warnings: mentions of drug abuse

12. Things Left Unsaid

Y/N POV:

"Where is he?? Where's Spencer?!"

You run through the hospital doors into the waiting room to find your Aunt JJ and Derek sitting quietly.

JJ quickly stands up and grabs you by the shoulders, trying her best to calm you down.

"Y/N, hey, look at me. It's okay. He's okay. Take a few deep breaths. Spencer is fine. We are waiting till they say we can go back to see him. Why don't you come sit for a minute? Just try taking deep breaths okay?"

You follow her to a seat, reluctantly. She rubs your back soothingly as you feel your breathing start to slow. You fall back into a seat in between her and Derek. The more you feel yourself calm down, the quicker reality hits you. Tears start to fill your eyes, threatening to fall as the memories play over and over again in your mind.

*You're woken by the ring of you phone across the room. You rub your eyes and look around. You fell asleep watching Netflix on the couch again. You stumble your way over to your phone as you answer with a groggy voice.

"Hello?"

"Y/N, hey its JJ."

"Hey, what's going on? Are you guys still out on a case?"

"Umm yeah, that's why  I'm calling actually. I know you and Spencer have gotten to be pretty close friends and..."

Her voice trails off and the line goes silent. You feel a lump start to grow in your throat. In that instant, you feel your switch flip off, the switch to your emotions, allowing you to focus only on what needs to be done, and not how you feel about it.

In a cold voice, void of any emotion, you finally speak up.

"Where is Spencer?"

"He's in the hospital. He's been shot. It was pretty close to some major arteries. He's in surgery at a hospital here in Seattle."

You take a deep breath in, processing all the information you've just been given. "Okay, okay I'm on my way."

"No! There's nothing you can do here. They're going to stabilize him, then we plan to have him transferred to your hospital. By the time you get here, they'll probably be done and getting ready to transport him. I know it's hard, but just stay there for now. We will see you soon."

You stay silent for a moment before answering. "Okay. I'll stay here. But I want someone to tell me as soon as he gets here!"

You hung up the phone and walked back over to your couch. As you sunk back into it you felt your mind wander. The  image of Spencer getting shot, of him bleeding out...Spencer on an operating table, or hooked up to a ventilator...

You feel your switch threaten to come back on. You know if you let emotions in now you will fall apart. You are determined to stay unemotional, unattached. You are preparing for the inevitable hurt you know will be coming your way. So you sit there in silence, in the dark, waiting.

You sit there for two more hours until you get the call, the call that he is out of surgery and is on his way to your hospital nearby. You snap out of your stupor and into a sharp focus. You jump up from your couch and grab an overnight bag. You quickly stuff it with pajamas, comfy clothes, meds, glasses, contacts, toothbrush and anything else you can think of. On your way out the door, you grab Spencer's spare key. About a week and a half ago it had been his idea to exchange spare key's "in case of emergency". You had never thought any such emergency would arise, but here you were.

You quickly drive to his apartment. You jump out of the car and run up the stairs of his old building, the wood floors creaking below you as you move as quickly as you can. After unlocking the door, you see an empty black duffle he uses for a go bag for work. You grab it and make your way to his room. You don't think Spencer will mind. The two of you have become extremely close, and this IS an emergency. You stuff his bag with all the same essentials, but you make sure to grab a large assortment of his favorite comfort go-to books. You look at your watch, seeing you still have some time before they arrive.

You decide to swing by the store on the way to the hospital. Running into the grocery you grab a few of his favorite snacks including his favorite coffee.  You know just how bad the hospital's coffee is. You make sure to grab some chocolate iced donuts from the bakery section. Once at the checkout you see a couple science-based magazines, recognizing them as ones he's read before you grab those as well. You take a few deep breaths. You know you have to calm down if you want to get to the hospital safely.*

As you sit in the waiting room, all you can think about is that phone call and the series of events that brought you here. You run your hands through your hair, pulling on it out of frustration. You focus on your breathing as all the noises around you fade into the background.

You aren't quite sure how much time has passed when one of the nurses approaches JJ and pulls her to the side to update her. JJ walks back over and sits beside you.

"They're letting one person in for now. They said after he's a little more awake, he can have more visitors. You're his best friend. I think he'd want to see you first."

She gives you a comforting smile as she squeezes your hand.

"The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts to check on him. Let us know if you need anything."

You nod as you follow the nurse back to his room. You recognize her. She's transferred patients to you several times. Thank goodness she doesn't try to greet you or make any small talk. All you care about right now is making sure your friend is okay.

As you walk through the all too familiar halls of the hospital, it feels like time begins to slow down around you. You can hear your heart beat in your ears. This is so different from the your usual cool demeanor amongst the many horrific things you've seen within these very walls.

When you finally reach the doorway, your eyes land on your friend. You feel your heart stop. You know that he's okay, but you never expected to see him like this. He's sleeping, probably on all kinds of heavy medication. His hair is even messier than usual, the dark circles under his eyes more defined. He looks like a ghost of himself. You see the bandages covering his shoulder and chest and tears finally push their way out, spilling down your face. You let them go for just a minute, letting it out of your system. You can't let him, or anyone else see you like this. You quickly wipe them away as you make your way to sit in a chair beside the bed.

You reach over and grab his hand, holding it as though he would slip away if you let go. You steady your breathing as you take a moment to look at him. He really was beautiful. His overly defined features, long lashes, plump lips, caramel curls falling softly to frame his face. Its as if someone painted him to be perfect. You reach up with your other hand to brush a piece of hair out of his face.

You whisper softly. "You really had me scared you know. They said you would be okay but... It just seems like everyone I care about leaves. I like to think by now you wouldn't do that to me, not on purpose anyways. I'm so glad you're okay. We have a lot more adventures to go on, you and I. I have a feeling that we have a lot of wonderful things in our future. So you've got to stick around for a long time, okay? I need you to stay."

"You can't get rid of me that easy."  You hear a soft reply and a chuckle, causing your eyes to shoot up. Spencer is looking over at you from hooded, groggy eyes, still clearly in a medicated haze.

"I'm so glad you're okay Spencer. I don't know what I would have done if you had.."

"But I didn't." He cuts you off.

"We don't have to think about that okay. I'm just glad you're here."

You suddenly feel embarrassed, that you were the one to rush to his side, and no one even questioned it. A couple of months ago you were strangers, and here you were, the first one he sees when he wakes up in the hospital.

"Oh well...JJ and Derek, they're here too. The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts. We were all worried. We all really care about you."

He smiles at hearing this. "I don't deserve you...uhh any of you. You're all like family to me."

"I almost forgot, I brought you some stuff."

You pick up his bag and set it next to him on the bed, allowing him to look through it.

"Hospital gowns really suck. And I know it can get really boring in here. Sorry I went through your stuff. I was just in such hurry and well, you said to use the key in an emergency and I figured this..."

"Hey." Hey cuts you off as her grabs your wrist. You had started to spiral, another side effect of your anxiety.

"Take a deep breath. It's okay. I really appreciate it. I actually can't believe you did this for me. You even grabbed all of my favorite books." He smiles as he pulls out a couple to set on the nightstand. He also grabs his glasses. He probably hasn't been able to see properly since the surgery, since they would have taken his contacts out. He makes his way into the snacks and starts munching away happily.

"I can't believe you did all this for me!" He smiles up at you, face full of food, like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

"Only if you share," you laugh as he hands you one of the donuts.

"What's in the other bag?" He asks curiously, glancing over your shoulder.

"Oh that's just my stuff." You shrug, not wanting to make much of it.

"Your stuff?"

You roll your eyes, knowing he won't let it go.

"Yeah you know, clothes, pajamas, toothbrush, etc." You turn a bit read, knowing how presumptuous you had been in bringing all of it, but you don't care. Spencer is priority, not your pride.

Spencer opens his mouth to reply but you continue.

"And before you can say anything about it, no I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

You still fully expect him to argue with you on the matter. What you don't expect is the giant grin he gives you as he pulls you down toward him, leaving a soft kiss on your cheek before pulling you in for a hug.

His head is buried in your shoulder as you hear

"Thank you Y/N...for everything."

The two of you stay there for a moment before a knock at the door causes you to jump up.

JJ steps inside "Hey Spence, I brought some people to see you."

She's followed by Derek and Penelope, who has her arms full of flowers, candy, and stuffed animals. You hadn't expected any less from your colorful, cheerful friend. She really knows how to brighten up a room, and goodness knows these dreary hospital rooms could use a dash of Penelope.

Spencer exchanges hugs with the three as they all sit down to talk with him. When they start talking about the case, you find yourself having to walk out of the room. Spencer seems unbothered by the situation. You get that it must be normal for him and the rest of your friends, but you aren't used to having the people you care about in harms way.

To them the guns, the blood, the danger, its all just another day at work. The blood you were used to, it's the putting their life on the line every time they go out into the field that makes you feel uneasy.

You make your way to your hospital floor, greeting some of your coworkers, explaining why you're there on your day off. They offer hugs, kind thoughts and prayers before you make your way back to Spencer's unit.

Hotch, Rossi, and Alex are now sitting around the bed. Spencer is sitting up more, looking a little more alert than before. He also looks in pain, but you know he won't say anything. In your experience, the men usually try to tough it out, especially with other people around.

You lean over near him and talk low enough for only Spencer to hear.

"Do you want me to call the nurse? We can get you more pain meds. I'm sure it's well overdue."

He brushes you off. "No, Y/N, I'm fine."

You're slightly annoyed at the front he's putting up, but not surprised.

"Look it's not a big deal, no one is going to judge you for needing a little help to get through this. Any normal person would. Why don't I just go ahead and..."

"I said no!" he grabs your wrist before you can hit the call light.

You're too stunned that he's yelled at you to say anything in response.

"I told you I'm fine. I don't want any pain medication, okay? Just take no for an answer and leave it alone."

You are completely used to moody patients yelling at you, taking out their frustrations on you, but this came out of nowhere. It's so out of character for him.

The other three take this as their cue to leave, as they each hug you and Spencer goodbye before exiting through the door.

"What the hell, Spencer?! All I'm trying to do is help you! Why did you just yell at me in front of everyone?"

You look over to see not anger in his eyes, but sadness. He's looking down at his lap as he fiddles nervously with his hands. You can tell he's on the brink of tears. You assume he must still be moody as the anesthesia wears off, something you've seen often.

"I need you to stay." he mumbles under his breath.

You scoot into the bed next to him, wrapping your arms around him to comfort him. You pull his head over to you, as you rub his back, trying to sooth him. You don't know what's wrong, but you can tell he's hurting.

"Of course. I already told you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Not j-just tonight...always. If I tell you everything, I don't think you'd stay in my life any longer. You're my b-best friend, and I can't lose you."

You feel his tears start to soak your shirt, but you don't care.

You whisper your promises softly "There's nothing you could ever tell me that you make me walk away. I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if you're one of the, what do you call them... unsubs or whatever. I'm staying right here, Spencer Reid."

He takes a shaky breath as he tries to calm down. He begins to tell you the story of one of their cases, and how it led to him being kidnapped. It was a man with DID, one personality the abusive father who had kidnapped Spencer, another being the son who thought he was helping.

"I tried to convince him to let me go. He wanted to help, but he was too scared of his father. He decided the only way he could help me was to take the pain away..."

Spencer gets choked up as he struggles to continue. You knew he had seen a lot of dark things and endured the trauma with Maeve, but clearly this affected him deeply in a way you had never seen.

"He injected me with dilaudid, multiple times. In the end, I had to shoot him. I had to kill him. And before I left, I took the drugs with me. I used for months after. I didn't know how to deal with what I had gone through it seemed easier just to...escape I guess. It made it easier to deal with problems in my life too, issues with my mother..."

You continue to rub his back, making sure he knows you are still here for him, despite divulging the horrors of his past.

"I have been clean for years now but...addiction it never really..."

You give his arm a squeeze causing him to finally look up at you. His eyes are puffy and red from crying. His cheeks are tear stained.

"I get it, Spencer. I understand. I'm sorry I pushed you, if you weren't ready to tell me. But it means a lot that you opened up to me about this; I know that can't have been easy. Just know, there are options here, non-addictive pain medications, if you really need them. But I won't push you okay? Just tell me what you need."

He wraps his arm around you before laying his head down on your chest, letting out a deep sigh of contentment and closing his eyes.

You swear you hear him whisper "You” before he fades back into sleep.

You make it your purpose to lay as still as possible, as not to wake him up. You lay your head back, letting yourself drift off to sleep as your mind swims with thoughts of feelings and things left unsaid.

A/N: If you're enjoying the story, I'd love to hear your feedback!! Thanks friends 💖✌🏻

I wanted to come back and add this. For anyone struggling with substance abuse or any mental health issues. You are not alone. You are always welcome to message me. I encourage you to talk to someone, anyone. That is why I will be adding a few hotline numbers below here. These are available 24/7

Resources:

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1 (800) 662 – 4357

https://www.samhsa.gov/

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/