#also i wasn't particularly close to anyone in hs can you tell?

[starswallowingsea]

Growing Up Trans and AlloAro

Or whatever the hell this essay turned out to be. Under the cut because this got long (like 1340 words long). 

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When I was younger, I never quite fit with the word “girl,” but I thought it was just because I didn’t like playing with dolls like other girls my age. I spent my first two years of school playing spies on the playground and sticking my tongue to frozen poles (and yes, it is painful but I somehow managed to not get in trouble for it). 

I would sit in our office--soon to be my baby brother’s room--and build towers out of his foam blocks and make stories for people that lived in cities I built on SimCity on our old desktop. Even with my girl friends, I would get confused about why they were talking about liking boys and getting crushes. 

I remember sitting in my friend’s basement during a freezing winter in North Dakota and she was shocked when I told her I had never seen Drake and Josh before and then grabbing her Magic 8ball and asking it if she would fall in love with Drake. 

I moved to Wisconsin a year later and had a hard time making friends. I thought we would just move again so I only talked with a handful of people in our already small school district. We would play dolls and teacher and I would get bored most days, wanting to play with the boys and make up stories. 

It was around the time that he left that I knew I was different from the other kids. They were starting to date each other as early as 3rd grade. We would tease our friends about who they were dating but I never understood why they dated in the first place. For the first few years, I would deflect questions about crushes by saying I still liked someone from my old school, but that only worked for so long. 

In 8th grade I started questioning my sexuality for the first time. I wasn’t really sure who I liked, because I didn’t really like anyone at that point. There was one kid I thought was attractive and always used him as my scapegoat when asked about crushes so nobody would know. I did like him, but it felt different than I knew my cishet peers thought about their crushes, just based on the way they talked about them. I thought I was asexual, because the internet in 2014 didn’t like to talk about aromanticism, much less than it does now anyway. 

So I joined tumblr in like, 2015, the summer between 8th grade and freshman year of high school and posted about asexuality, being nonbinary, toontown rewritten, all the stuff that 14-15yos are into. For a while I identified as heteroromantic asexual, and then nonbinary asexual quoiromantic, and then aromantic asexual and nonbinary? Or maybe I was really cis? 

And it went like that, back and forth between a few labels. I never felt like I could tell anybody, because I went to a small school and heard all the comments people made about the LGBTQ community and what my parents said about trans people and the messages preached at church. 

When I was about 16, I realized I wasn’t ace at all. I thought maybe I was a nonbinary aro lesbian, or maybe bisexual. Tumblr in 2016/17 was very against having attraction to men at all in the circles I found myself in and I pushed those feelings down so I wouldn’t make people uncomfortable. I forced myself to be attracted to women when I really wasn’t at all. Every other post about bisexuality was talking about how beautiful women were and how disgusting men were. I never felt comfortable talking about my attraction to men in public, or even in private. I felt even more uncomfortable talking about maybe being bisexual and aromantic. At this point, alloaros were practically unheard of and there weren’t a ton of trans aces, so finding someone to talk to about my identity was hard, to say the least. I just simply was alloaro, but that word didn’t exist yet and I couldn’t find anyone else who was aromantic and not asexual. 

That’s how I lived for another 2 years, as a nonbinary aro lesbian (or maybe bisexual). This was around the same time as I got involved in truscum/tucute discourse. I’ve always been minimally dysphoric about my body and got attacked for it by truscum and it would take me another 2 years to realize that I was actually a trans man. Because I started associating trans men with truscum and I didn’t want to be like them because they were always the nastiest people I had ever come across (I’ve obviously since outgrown this view point and am comfortable identifying as a man now). 

Another two years later and I’m outside a Thiesen’s with my parents picking up stuff for my graduation party that was happening later. My feet hit the pavement and I get a thought that said “maybe I’m a guy.” I stopped for a second and kept walking in, thinking about that, trying out he/him pronouns with myself and decided before we checked out that I was a trans guy. 

It took a while to get used to thinking about myself that way and I still use they/them pronouns. A few days after solidifying my gender identity, I realized I was aro and bisexual (or maybe gay). Labeling my sexuality came much easier, realizing I was a man. I’m still aromantic and that’s one thing that’s been pretty constant in my life. I never really got crushes in the typical way and I still don’t, even though you all see me reblogging yearning posts. I think that’s a byproduct of wanting to touch people in non-romantic and non-sexual ways in our society where touches have a lot of baggage with them. 

I came out as bisexual and aromantic to my roommates in September. It came up in casual conversation and I felt comfortable enough to tell them, since they were all from the city and city-folk tend to be more accepting of queer identities (not to rag on rural folk, since I am one, but rural Wisconsin is not the place you want to grow up trans and queer). One of them came out as straight in October on coming out day and I forced myself back into the closet on coming out as trans. We had a falling out with her earlier this semester and she moved out. 

Literally the night she moved out, I came out to the other two roommates as trans and they took it very well! They call me by my preferred name when we’re around people I’m out to and they even bought me a trans flag that we have hanging in the common room of our dorm (and at least one person has told me they say “trans rights!” whenever they pass by as soon as they found out it was mine). I’m still working on being socially out at college and need to call gender inclusive housing at some point, but I keep putting that off. 

And recently I’ve decided I’m trans, aro, and queer. I still use the word bisexual, but really thinking about what genders I’m attracted to is super complicated and the word bisexual doesn’t convey that to most people. And queer just fits better some days. 

I don’t really have a tl;dr for this, but if I had to pick something from this to hammer home, it would be that it’s okay to change labels and question your identity. It’s okay to change labels frequently or once every few years if you feel like they’ve changed! It’s never too late to figure out who you are and there will always be people who will accept you for who you are. 

Also tumblr is the worst place to try and figure out your identity, but sometimes its all people have and I want my blog to be a safe space for people questioning their identities.