#also i have an oc robot story in which the word “robot is a slur

[gizdathemxel]

im like otherkin in that im actually just a bunch of formless vibes that are felt within the body (a “soul” if you will” forced to be given form in a human. tho if i had my choice id be a shapeshifter or a robot

[rancoeur-the-unfortunate]

Pills (Chapter 27)

(This kinda goes without saying but both Raz and Wer, as well as the Murthen race, were created by me (technically so are the Doctor and Agent Callus but they were made specifically for this story so I don't count them as OCs). I was getting kinda tired of just using the Vort people so I used a race I created a long time ago when I was like 10. I promise this story won't shift focus to them. Also here are a few pictures of Raz in case my descriptive terms weren't good enough. Wer is pretty much the same only pink and has dragonfly wings.)

Agent Callus knew his mom would kill him if she found out about this. But right now he didn't see any reason to care. This was for the betterment of mankind, so what if he snuck out at an ungodly hour, during a thunderstorm, on a skool night, to meet a stranger he met online. He needed to get this data to the Swollen Eyeball and he knew he could trust Agent Grub Grub.

The teenager sat near his window sill and watched the rain droplets flow down the glass, waiting for him mom to fall asleep so he could sneak out. He already had the evidence he was going to give the SEN packed up and a meeting spot with Agent Grub Grub already arranged. He was excited, to say the least. He was finally going to expose Zim for the alien he was and manage to complete the one task Dib couldn't.

Ok so maybe Agent Callus was going a bit too far with this whole rivalry thing. If he was being honest with himself, he never technically met Dib. Everything he knew about the teen was either from rumors from his fellow classmates or stories told by other members of the SEN. Others to him all the time the Dib was crazy or unhinged in some way. That he was only seeking attention from others that he couldn't get from his dad. But to Callus he was something of a role model, someone he could look up to. Nobody except Callus had noticed, Dib was trying to save the world.

But now, Callus wasn't so sure. Dib spent a whole week hiding with Zim; talking, laying in the grass, catching fireflies of all things. Was Dib working with Zim now?

Agent Callus shook his head and tried to not think about it. Dib couldn't prove to the world that Zim was an alien, so he was going to succeed where Dib had failed. Despite the fact of how god damn nervous he was.

The agent looked down at his watched and noted the time, his mom had to be asleep by now. Caleb took a deep breath and began to open his window while being as quiet as a church mouse. Once open he threw his bag out into the grass and then began to climb out himself. He opened his umbrella and grabbed his bag after he shut his window. Now that he was out Callus looked to the street and began to head down the road towards his meeting spot.

Dib was watching the rain from his kitchen window, it was Gaz's turn with the TV and he didn't feel like sleeping at the moment. Too many things to think about at the moment.

His train of thought quickly derailed though he Gaz's voice nearly knocked him out of his seat.

"You know you never got me that video."

"What video?" Dib gave his sister a curious look from the kitchen.

His sister was hanging on the back of the couch upside-down, her legs resting on the front of the couch. She was playing on her new console whilst facing him.

"And you're not even using the TV!"

"It's my background noise and I'm talking about the video you promised both me AND the ship. You know the one of Zim spasming out or something on withdrawal or whatever."

"Oh... yeah." Dib scratched the back of his head, a little uncomfortable. To be honest, he was so freaked out and drenched with worry at the time that he didn't even think to record Zim. Not that he could if he did. Zim may have been his worst enemy but the idea of recording him during his most vunerable and terrifying moment. During which Dib was actually worried that Zim would die.

"I ah, didn't get it." Dib looked away.

"Whatever, but you know there's only one thing that'll make up for this." Gaz offered.

"You're kidding! It's pouring out there!" Dib exclaimed, exasperated.

"Yeah, so you better get a move on before the streets flood."

Dib let out a long tired sigh.

"Can't it wait till tomorrow?"

Gaz looked up from her game at him with a look that Dib knew promised death.

Dib sighed again and got up. "Alright! Fine, I'll go."

Gaz nodded and looked back to her game. "Dad left us some spending money on the counter."

Dib rolled his eyes and grabbed said money and slid on a raincoat and boots. "I don't understand why Bloaty's doesn't deliver anymore." He whined as he grabbed an umbrella.

"Pretty sure Zim's robot thing had something to do with it."

"I'd believe that." Dib chuckled to himself in a small moment of mirth before opening the door and looking back to Gaz.

"How am I going to pay back the ship though?"

Gaz only shrugged, not really caring.

Dib rolled his eyes and shut the door behind him.

When the two Irkens found themselves out of the cave, Skoodge couldn't stop looking at the egg in his hands. He could clearly see through the blue translucent shell and to the little Murthlet inside. She was curled up in the fetal position her eyes shut tight. It was kind of like a smeet in an incubation chamber.

Skoodge couldn't help but feel sad at that thought. Irkens were already pretty developed mentally as smeets. But Skoodge had a feeling the same couldn't be said for Murthlets. This was a defenseless creature and he was snatching it for his own personal gain.

Skoodge ran his hand across the side of the shell. It was hard yet squishy, like a thick gelatin. It was moist to the touch as well but was becoming increasingly less so.

"I swear if we are the cause of this child's death-!" Skoodge glared to the Doctor.

"Don't even finish that threat Skoodge. Because I guarantee if that Murthlet dies we wouldn't even make it out of this planet's moon orbit." The Doctor spoke so casually about this whole situation that it was starting to really unnerve Skoodge.

"Are we leaving or not?" Skoodge jumped at the sudden voice and turned around to see Raz now wearing what appeared to be a suit. It was skin tight and covered only her chest, and legs. Her arms and neck had small skintight covers over the area where her gills were. Her body was also covered in bright blue tubes that connected all of the pieces of the suit together. On her back was a water tank filled to the top and on her legs were braces, most likely to help her walk on land. On her first set of shoulders and knees were arm and kneecaps.

       She turned her glare to Skoodge and threw something to him. He caught it and looked it over, it looked like a knapsack of some kind. It also had those blue wires sewing into it.

"Put her in that." She gestured her head to the egg before turning to the doctor.

Skoodge quickly did as the Murthen said and pulled the straps over his shoulders so the egg was resting on his chest.

"That bag will keep her moist for at most 3 Murth rotations." Raz practically spat those words.

"Then I suggest we get a move on then, yuhi." The Doctor returned, his cocky yet calculating stare never left the Murthen as he gestured towards their ship.

Skoodge could sense the tension from a mile away and instinctively placed a hand over the egg in worry. If a fight were to break out between the two, Skoodge wouldn't have the ability to help nor hide. He just hoped they would get those weapons soon enough so he could return this child back to her mothers and save Zim.

He also wanted to get to that ship sooner rather than later so he could take his hazard suit off.

Once they reached the ship the Doctor sat Raz in a chair and strapped her to it; her first set of arms chained above her while her second set was strapped to the arms of the chair. Leaving Skoodge to have to sit beside her because that was the only seat left, while the Doctor moved to the cockpit and began to start up the ship.

"Try anything yuhi and the egg will be tossed into space." He threatened once more before they took off.

Raz never stopped glaring at the back of his chair with the malice only a threatened mother could have.

Skoodge fiddled with hands for a second trying to avoid looking at her, feeling incredibly guilty.

Bleech at the time was on the other side of the planet and Murth was huge so the trip could take awhile.

"So uh the Doctor keeps calling you yuhi, what does that mean? Ifyoudon'tmindmeaskingofcourse!" Skoodge blurted out but instantly shrank in his seat when Raz cast her glare down him. He didn't know what it was but something about those dark, glassy eyes unnerved him terribly.

"It's a Murthen slur." She moved to adjust her sitting position. "It means mud dweller or crippled fish."

"You're crippled?" Skoodge asked.

"No, the insult isn't that literal. It just means I'm a lower class. He's referring to me being a foot soldier in the Murthen army." She spoke with bitterness but then paused.

"Hey, while we're tapping into each other's personal business. What's a stompy guy like you doing with a tall scumbag like him. I thought Irkens were segregated according to height or something."

"Yeah, we're uh trying to stop that..." Skoodge scratched at the back of his head nervously.

"By kidnapping eggs?" Raz almost looked curious before turning away.

"No no of course not!" Skoodge shook his hands wildly. "I had no idea the Doctor was going to do any of this!"

Raz cast one more glance at him, a judgemental one. "Really? What did you expect him to do?"

"I-" Skoodge cut himself off as he thought about that. In reality, he had no answers and he knew that Raz knew he knew that.

The Murthen looked away once more and Skoodge sat there in shame and silence.

It took Skoodge nearly 30 minutes to work up the courage to look up at her once more.

"So um... have you thought of any names?" Skoodge tried to make polite conversation. Maybe if he got on her good side he might survive if she chose to betray them.

"My son's name is Lur, the one you are holding is Mur." Raz explained, but this time didn't face him.

"Oh? How old are they?"

This time Raz looked at him but for the first time with fondness and not anger.

"Mur is 3 months and 2 days old and Lur is 3 months 2 and a half days. I had complications laying that one." She almost smiled as she looked to her egg. Her hand closest to him reached for the little Murthlet.

Skoodge's cardiac spooch twisted at the sight. Raz was clearly distraught about her Murthlet being torn from her and was trying to hide her fear. Gently he removed the straps from the sack and moved the egg to her hand.

Raz, in turn, rubbed the shell with her webbed hands and smiled contentedly.

Skoodge looked down in thought for a second then looked back to Raz.

"Raz I swear no matter what happens, I'll make sure you make it back to your nest safely with Mur." He promised.

Raz looked at him almost gratefully. "For both yours and my sake I hope you're right." Raz sighed and sat back in her seat pulling her hand away from the egg. Skoodge nodded and zipped the knapsack and slip the straps back on.

The rain had only gotten worse as the storm progressed through the night. Agent Callus tried to not let it bother him but his small one person umbrella was hardly cutting it. He sighed as he stopped at the bus stop to head to Bloaty's. The meeting location was hardly ideal but Callus WAS meeting someone he met online and having a few people nearby couldn't hurt.

He was about to pull out his phone and play some games when he was interrupted by a familiar face.

"Hey, Caleb." Dib greeted as he stood beside him at the stop.

'How the hell does he know my name?' Callus thought to himself.

"Oh um hi Dib." The younger of the two stumbled.

"Where are you going so late?" Dib smiled gently, making small talk.

"Oh um, Bloaty's. I'm kinda meeting someone." Callus tried to keep his cool but in his head, he was freaking out. This was the first time, Dib and he actually had a real conversation.

"Heh, so am I. Heading to Bloaty's that is. Gaz is forcing me to get her pizza." Dib chuckled to himself.

"But doesn't Bloaty's deliver?"

"Not anymore." Dib chuckled a for a second and looked away.

The two sat in silence for a few minutes before the bus they had been waiting for, drove near, and stopped for them.

Dib stepped on first and dropped his bus fare in the payment box. Callus had to stop and almost smacked himself for his stupidity. He had completely forgotten about the bus fare. He looked away in embarrassment and was about to walk the rest of the way when he was stopped by Dib.

"Hey, where you going?"

"Oh um, I forgot my bus fare." Caleb spoke nervously.

"Don't worry about it I'll pay for you." Dib smiled.

Agent Callus couldn't help but smile back as he got on.

"Thanks, man. I owe ya one."

"Don't worry about it. It's not a problem." Dib shook it off as the two sat down. Aside from a few other teens and an old lady in the back, they were the only two on the bus.

The two sat in silence but on the inside, Callus was having a mental breakdown. He was going to talking to agent GubGrub to talk ABOUT Dib! Now how was he going to do that?!

'Alright, calm down. All he did was pay for your bus fare. You are trying to take care of a potential threat!'

Yeah, a threat, definitely.

Callus sighed and looked out the window to the rainy street. Dib wasn't a bad or insane person. He was just trying to save humanity from an evil space alien. But now Callus wasn't so sure. Maybe Zim had been brainwashing Dib? All the more reason to report Dib to the Swollen Eye.

"Hey, Caleb you alright?"

Dib's voice cut him from his thoughts.

"Wa-huh?"

"We're here, dude." Dib was standing and gesturing to the restaurant with his head.

"Oh, sorry. Thanks." Callus shot upwards and the two walked off the bus.

The two opened their umbrellas, and of course Callus' was complete crap. Dib smiled and moved his much bigger umbrella over and cover the two of them. Callus smiled back nervously and nodded as the two began to walk to Bloaty's.

'Dib is oddly sociable today and nice?'

Callus looked away for a bit debating on that question before looking back to Dib.

"Hey, Dib. If uh you don't mind my asking. You seem I don't know more... friendly today. Is there some good news?" Callus tried his best to word the question without seeming like an asshole, but he had a feeling that he failed.

Dib gave him an odd look before shrugging and nodding. "Eh, that's fair." Dib closed his umbrella as they entered the restaurant.

"I guess. Life's been good to me lately."

He continued forward to the counter to order his food, leaving Callus by the door. Callus glanced around and spotted agent GubGrub in a corner booth, obviously waiting for him. Caleb looked back to Dib for a moment before sighing and heading towards that corner. He slid a piece of paper towards the older man, saying he was agent Callus of the SEN.

GubGrub read it over before handing Callus a paper saying he was agent GubGrub of the SEN. They both then ate their respective papers. To both hide evidence and prove they both know the code of this meeting.

Callus then sat down in the seat across from the older man and nodded.

"So you ready to make your case on Dib's valuation."

Callus bit his tongue for a moment and nodded.

"Then let's begin."

(2876 words :D)

[agentpink-writes]

5 Lesser Known Facts Tag!

Tagged by: @writingonesdreams! Thanks again!

I’ve been meaning to get to this, but I’ve been tagged in so many tag games recently, I can’t keep up! Hopefully this will put a dent in my drafts :,)

Instructions: list at least 5 lesser known facts about your WIP and/or the OC of your choosing!

For this I think I’ll do both my WIP and OCs? I’ll be doing God of the Machine, as per usual

Also, spoilers-ish.

1. One of the main, main characters I was reluctant to mention in my WIP intro is an Android who goes under the alias of Patient Zero. He is the one, as revealed later in the WIP, who orchestrated the Phage virus and is sorta starting this robot rebellion, but his motivations are a bit cloudy until they are revealed much later. I was a little ehhhh about adding him to my intro page, as his existence is kind of a spoiler (as if that means anything atm since I’m nowhere near close to publishing this lol). However, I’ll probably put him down there anyway, since he is pretty important.

2. David used to work for Aesop, the corporation that Sara was partially in charge of, during the war. He was discharged (honorably) for mental health issues (spoilers I guess) but he was given the opportunity to work with Aesop, a new and rising corporation that really founded the base for the Androids of the present. At that time, robots were treated mainly as military equipment, another facet in aiding the military effort in the Tyro War. Basically David was a military scientist who helped make war machines, and was called to help with a specific and new line of robots, a pantheon of Androids nicknamed the Gods Initiative. They are all nicknamed after Greek gods, like Aphrodite and Athena, and each are assigned to a specific team of military scientist (to see which comes up with the better, more superior military robot). David was assigned to Ares who (spoilers again) is actually Patient Zero (loooong story there).

3. The people that this alternate universe America is fighting is actually Canada. This is a very small fact, as I made sure to draw little to no focus to the fact they were fighting Canada. Instead, I wanted to focus more on the use of propaganda (ex. Exaggerating facial features and use of slurs) in order to kind of parody the mindset of those at war. I thought it was better to have it exclusively shown from America’s side, since I felt like it would give more insight into how biased they are. Again, i thought picking Canada would be appropriate since it adds to absurdity of this. The more I write about this makes it seem more and more silly, so let’s just pretend I didn’t write this ok? Ok.

4. Lucy gets infected with the Phage virus at one point. She doesn’t realize it at first, but as the story unfolds it slowly begins to affect her and her actions. Basically, the source of the Phage virus is unraveling the original Androids code, which can affect each Android differently. Not going to delve too much here, as I’ve already given too many spoilers already :,)

5. Ah, the biggest spoiler of them all! I was thinking about not putting it here, but if any of you guys actually care about spoilers for this WIP (I really doubt it but I’m checking anyway), just skip ahead to the tags. Anyway, here it is: Micheal, aka Major, is actually David’s son. He distanced himself from his dad a long, long time ago, and he hasn’t said a word to him over three or so years. He hates him with a fiery passion and pretty much blames him for breaking their fmamily apart, which he isn’t totally wrong about but hey... I’m already giving too many spoilers so I’ll just shut up.

I love how this basically went from lesser known facts to full blown spoilers. I don’t really mind, tbh, as I don’t think I’ll be publishing this anytime soon. So yeah, enjoy? I guess?

Tagging: @gottaenjoythelittlethingzz @fluffythewritingplant @lilmissravingwriter @mistbornvinventure @shadowschild64 @g-marrader21 @dreamin-when-I-wrote-this @emilyelizabethfowl @montevena @disoriented-writer @bumblebeesonpaper @thewizardbee

[aurora-boring-alis]

wip lmao

Got tagged by @dxrkblaze to share some wip writing. Tbh I haven’t been doing much lately so ive only got scraps n shreds that have been chilling on my ipad for the last bit 

I also usually save proper writing for my side blog but eh i can bend the rules once or twice 

Oh ye its oc shit btw sorry

Its roughly 2 AM and I am awake, entangled in sweat soaked fleece in the backseat of my car. My gaze, clouded and blurry from interrupted sleep and absence of my glasses. The seats are lumpy and my back aches. It feels like I left the heat on, despite my car having been off for the last day or so.

I ran here earlier in the night and crashed in the back seat, hoping to catch some alone time and sleep. I haven’t slept well, much to my dismay; my mind was too awake, revving its engine, ready to go and drive me into a ditch. I retrace my thoughts, recount the steps of how I had got here, lying in the backseat of my beat up Tercel, trying to sleep, trying to outrun this. I  suppose I could try to sober up from sleep and trek back to the city. But something about the thought of driving alone on a highway at night terrifies me. Perhaps it’s the thought of being completely alone. Maybe it’s the thought of crashing and not having anyone find me.

I sit up, reaching for my glasses, which are in the cup holder. I slide them onto the bridge of my nose, my gaze tracing up the plastic interior and gazing  out the window. I’m parked on the shoulder of a gravel road that can barely fit two cars. To the left is the forest and a few cottages, slowly steeping upwards on a slight hill. To the right is the lake, it’s glassy waters glimmering, the moon shining brightly onto it. Cottages pepper the cleared path before the road and back onto  the forest. There’s a few other parked cars along the road, but they’re like ghosts, emptied of their belongings and people. Near the cars are little tin boats that the cottagers use to get across the lake and onto the small islands in the middle. Light from them  snakes across the lake, showing where they live. Hours ago, I was like them, with Patrick, in happy company, enjoying the sun, fresh air and lake.

But like always, I had to go and doubt myself. Oh yes, I just had to go and question everything I’ve ever felt about me, about Patrick, about our friendship, about our love. “Stupid Lindey…” I chastise myself. I pull my knees up to my chest and hold myself, drawing a thin gasp of air. I shut my eyes, trying my hardest to block him out of my thoughts. But the more I do, the more the spurs and spats of memory come crawling back to me.

I hear my phone vibrate, and I tense. I look down, the phone screen lit up, burning my eyes. It’s nearly silent, save for the buzz. It ceases a second later. I look down, the words Pat, missed call (4) appearing on the lock screen. A frown creeps across my lips as I unlock my phone and begin to play back his messages.

“Lin, it’s me. Why did you just run off? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me.” His voice is gruff and tired. A shiver goes down my back. “We’re friends right? I don’t want to loose you. And you mean a lot to me.“ 

The voicemail system flips forwards to the next message. ”Lin. It’s me again. I don’t know where you get off just running away like that. Why won’t you tell me what I did wrong?“

The next. ”You know what, I’ve had it. Call me back or don’t. I don’t care anymore Lindey. You can go-“ I hit the hang up button before I can hear anymore. He’s right though. I have jostled him around. I’ve played with his heart, and led him on. I toss the phone onto the floor of the car and lay back onto the plastic interior.

I mean, I haven’t always felt this way. I love Patrick and I can see myself going into something deeper with him, but, now when I look at him, there’s something missing, not connecting even. He’s whole and complete, and me, I feel like the wires in my brain are jumbled into a large knot, the ends loose and thrown across the edges of my mind.

I’ve been somewhat of a checkerboard in my past – not really caring whether I wake up beside a girl or a guy. When we started, Patrick told me that he was bi, it didn’t bother me. However, he looked expectantly towards me, and I said I was straighter than an arrow with sarcasm lurking behind my words. This memory sends me back into questioning. I never thought much about it – I liked girls and guys and that was that. I never saw anything more than a possible friendship with them. But my parents always said that I would make a great mother, and that kids love me, yet I can’t think of myself like that. Not now, at least. And that’s fine, I suppose. 

My phone vibrates again. I look down at it and sigh out of my nose. I pick up the phone and hit answer. ”Lindey?“

I shut my eyes. “Pat.”

We sit in silence for a moment. I hear him breathe and cuss. Words spew from his mouth. Patrick’s hit his word vomit, and things just keep coming and coming from his mouth. He doesn’t stop. It’s a jumble of why would you’s, I don’t understand Lins, and we should just go back to being friends.

“I can feel it. You’re uncomfortable.” He says quietly. His voice is like a whisper in the air. I shut my eyes, pulling the sleeves of my sweater to meet my palms. “You were uncomfortable and still you pushed yourself to do it and rather than facing me and telling me what was wrong, you just… you ran off.”

I stay silent, rolling onto my side and letting the frames of my glasses cut into my face. I attempt to drown him out, but my thoughts are no better. In fact, they’re worse, dragging back old memories and slurs and questions from classmates, friends and family. It’s normal to want sex, right?

Everyone wants it, at least at one point. But then, if you have too much, you’re labelled as a slut, and if you have too little, you’re a prude. If you let anyone touch you like that you’re suddenly easy; and if you let no one, you suddenly have rumours that you have a chastity belt on. If you lust after people, you’re a skank. If you don’t want anyone, you’re boring. And yet, there’s this sinking, awful feeling in my stomach, settling there now. The same one that came over me when Mom told me that she can’t wait  for me to have children or when Patrick said any guy would be lucky to have me.

“I don’t understand you Lindey.” He whispers into the phone. His voice is fuzzy and sounds as if he’s fading away, being pulled far from my reach. 

“I don’t understand me either,” I say at last.

He stays quiet for another moment, this time much longer. “Why did you ask me out then?” His voice gets a little bit louder.

“I don’t know why, Pat.” I say, raising mine in response.

“Lindey,”

I don’t say a word.

“Do you think we should take a break? From each other, from this?” He asks. “Are we getting too heavy? I know we’ve been together for a while and said that nothing serious would come from this but-”

“I don’t know Patrick.” I say again. And suddenly, I’m the one with the word vomit, spewing out my life’s story. My world. My views. How I’ve felt forever; before adulthood, before adolescence. Before Patrick. 

I tell him how I never cared about the valentines I got in grade school, and how I stayed home for all the dances. I tell him of staying awake to watch television and finish a book instead of texting anyone. How when a friend said a boy looked hot, I would look and see nothing. About going to parties in high school and how I got stuck in the closet with another girl who kissed me for the first time. The times when my friends would The time where I went to prom by myself and ended up leaving with someone. About the indifference to losing my virginity and being called a slut for it. How I when on a sex spree to try and see if I could feel something, anything like what my friends constantly spoke of. And then, then is when I tell him, in my quietest voice possible about how in first year college, I slept with my roommate twice and then moved on to the boy down the hall of my residence. And how that boy eventually asked me out and how I ended up here with him; halfway been two cities, sleeping in the back of my car.

He doesn’t say a word. I hear the porch door creak loudly and his footsteps against the floorboards. At last, he speaks. “Lindey.” He says. “Do you think you may be ace?”

I blink several times, staring at the dashboard of my car. I draw a breath and shake my head. Patrick knows me so well, too well, perhaps. Reading my thoughts and in tune with my actions even if I’m not around him.

“What is that?” I ask.

“It’s asexuality. It’s where you don’t like anyone, in a sexual way.” He says.“It’s nothing wrong, it’s just how some people feel about romance and love.”

“But it doesn’t make sense. I love you.” I say, my voice growing slightly frantic. “If I’m that, how could I love you? That doesn’t wor-”

“I mean, it totally works. And it’s subjective to everyone.” He says quickly, grasping at works to make me feel better. “Like Jas. You remember Jasper Alucard, right? The guy who I was talking to back at the post office in town?”

I nod, thinking he can see me. “Yeah, I think I remember him.” I say unconvincingly. I do remember glancing back and seeing Patrick talking to some guy outside the post office when we were there earlier. I only remember long, raven hair and nothing more. I only saw his back.

“Well, he’s ace too, and he’s got a partner right now. It just depends on who you are. Like you can want to be in a relationship and still be ace!” He says, his voice soft but upbeat. “And maybe you’re that. Maybe you’re ace.”

I try to get his metaphor, but it’s lost on me. I don’t know Jas, and I didn’t see him. He’s nothing more to me than a half-assed effort on Patrick’s part to make me seem normal. But instead of his intention, I feel more alienated than ever. “So what? I’m a robot? I’m broken?” I ask, my voice cracks.

“Lindey,”

“Because right now it’s feeling like it, Pat. I… I feel broken.” I cry into my phone. I hiccup tears and shake as Patrick struggles to comfort me over the line. 

“Lindey. Lindey!” He yells. I swallow my tears and sniffle as he speaks. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare.” His voice is stern now. I hear him pace across the porch, the creaking of the boards under his feet. “You’re not broken for not wanting sex. You’re not a prude or some robot. You’re you. And you’re the girl I love.”

I fall silent again, my hands balling into fists as . “Lindey.” He says. “I love you. No matter who or what you are.”

I stay silent. My eyes well up. I know what’s coming. His voice has gone down in tone, becoming lower. He’s quiet. I can hear the waves lapping against the shore over the line. I hold my head in one hand, shutting my eyes tight. ”We should stop and figure things out. I think it’d be best if we-“

"We need to take a break.” I let a hiccup sneak into the conversation and then cover my mouth, sucking back a breath between my fingers. I part them slightly, allowing the words to creep through.. “I need a break. I need to figure myself out. That’s what you were going to say, and I agree.”

“You do? You’re not just saying that?” His voice grows quieter for a moment.

“Pat, I’m not. I’m certain.” I lie in a louder voice, attempting to hide that I’m crying. I swipe at my eyes. I attempt to hold myself together, keep myself from sobbing into the phone, begging for him or anyone to make myself make sense once again. I hate to lie to myself, to Patrick, but I can’t tell him that I want to keep going after I think – know – that  I’m ace. I feel like I’m living a lie, telling myself that I’m okay going to bed with him even though I don’t see that in him. “It’d be best for us, right? Get our lives together before going forwards?”

“You’re right.” He says. His voice is eerily calm, barely above a whisper. I hear a loon call on the other end, and the real thing in my other ear. I fill the silence: “I’ll get my stuff out of the apartment.”    

“Isn’t that a little extreme?” Patrick asks with concern.

“I mean, it’s apart of a break, right? I cut myself off from you, you cut yourself from me?” I say. Being ace and in a relationship feels so alien, so abnormal, unjust. I need to break away from him, I need to be alone.

“Right.” He says. “But where will you stay?”

“I’ll stay here until school comes back . Then I’ll go back to the city.” I say. “I’m sure I can find somewhere to stay.”    

“As long as you’ll be all right.” He says. I hide a sniffle and another sob under the guise of a cough. “Lindey… I love you.” He says.

I stay quiet. “And if we get our shit together, maybe we’ll try again?” He says. “At the end of the summer?”

I nod into the phone. “Yep. Okay.” I say. His voice becomes distant. The words slip out of my mouth “I love you too, Pat.”    

A moment passes and I feel dread pinch my nerves. Patrick takes a breath and then he breathes the words, “take care of yourself” and hangs up on me.