#also i don't know if im just in denial bc my dad is THE homophobe

[starchasersversion]

going through a sexuality crisis was not on my 2024 bingo card

[mithliya]

Re: you telling anon what being a lesbian means in the "don't know why bi women might id as lesbians because (...)" / Like I personally still wait to somehow turn out to be bi, like I thought originally. As time passes, I realise that I absolutely don't want to lose this family I have. It would destroy me emotionally, especially since I already think about emigration and they'd be the only close cultural tie to my country left.

i feel you there. one of my first thoughts that i had when first thought “im a lesbian” was that im probably going to lose the entirety of my father’s side of my family. there’s also a chance ill lose my father to a degree, he’s quite homophobic and i feel like he knows about me but is in denial & i don’t know how he’ll react once he can’t be in denial anymore. that or he’s oblivious. ive also got an uncle who’s one of my closer relatives and he was extremely angry when word spread all the way to him that im a lesbian. he wanted to “discipline” me and fought my mom on that and idek what that means, if it means he wanted to abuse me or rape me or put me in conversion therapy or WHAT. i lost contact with 3 of my cousins (all his kids) bc of it too, bc he thinks ill somehow turn his 2 daughters into lesbians. and my story is still one of the better outcomes (so far at least).. i worried about a lot worse happening by now and im glad that it’s only been threats and losing contact of an uncle and some cousins so far.

perhaps if u leave, you could just not mention stuff relating to sexuality to them? that’s what i do with my dad. i don’t even hide it rly, i just don’t outright tell him either. it’s not ideal but at least there’s no risk of losing contact over my sexuality so far

[mithliya]

Genuine question, did you, as a teenager, after realising you're a lesbian, start feeling a dread, worry, fear and anxiety that only grew as the years passed? Because I do. Allow me to explain. Nowadays I almost constantly function with these feelings as background, even on a very happy day. Sometimes it's for other things, but usually due to my sexuality. I don't hate it, but I think about all these people I want to tell and the ones that will find out. I have a...well. Big family. 1/2

i waited for some time and didn’t get the 2nd part 😭 can u resend it? but for me.. when i first considered it, thats exactly how i felt and it was such an overwhelming and intense dread and fear. i freaked out and cried and panicked bc i realised i had no kind of hope or future in my own country, i freaked out thinking id basically die alone bc i couldn’t imagine being able to find anyone, and i also knew my entire dad’s side of the family won’t ever accept me and i may lose contact with many of my relatives bc of it which made me really upset. also brought about fear of my father bc he’s homophobic and although im pretty transparent (he’s met my gf and my ex-gfs) he’s in major denial and keeps telling me to get a husband soon. i worry at times whether he’ll snap and react badly once he finally accepts it. but overtime, i kinda accepted a lot of those things and know they’re not in my control. and i realised just bc im a lesbian doesn’t mean ill be alone, and saw that many of my closer relatives do accept me. i kinda dropped lots of hints in my teen years and my family figured it out on their own as a result, which definitely helped. being closeted and pretending to feel a certain way was mentally damaging to me and caused a lot of anxiety and stress. so once i accepted myself and accepted that whatever consequences there will be bc of my sexuality are unavoidable, i just lived as myself and that removed a lot of these worries. i am quite lucky so far and my mom, sister, several aunties and close cousins are all quite accepting of me. my mom even tried to set me up with random butches in bahrain about 2 years ago lol. there’s been some homophobia especially from my uncle and my dad isnt subtle that he doesn’t like gay ppl and thinks it’s some kind of illness or perversion, but ive become numb to it and it’s easier to deal with when im away from them anyways.