#also he probably is harder to sympathize with in some moments you might normally easily sympathize with him because he really doesn't

[13eyond13]

Something I love about Light is he's a ridiculously tough character while also being a ridiculous tantrum thrower at times too. I think we the audience sometimes see him as a bit more volatile than he actually appears to other characters because we see all his inner freaking out and his private outbursts and his sneaky little grins and asides? So he's still fun and dynamic as a protagonist to follow and to watch, but he's also not actually passive or boring or a big wimp that gets frustrating to follow. He's just always up for whatever and incredibly sure he's going to come out the winner, even when he's stressed af or trying to win at the worst thing you've ever seen

[thorne93]

Inside the Criminal Mind (Part 27)

Prompt: You’re married to Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU, and are a distinguished doctor yourself on the team. You’re sent down to Miami, Florida for teaching and as a side request from the FBI, to investigate a string of missing persons. When you think you’ve figured out who the unsub is, your life becomes more complicated than you ever could’ve imagined.

Word Count: 1963

Warnings: (throughout the fic –>) death, blood, gore, killings, language, disturbing mental notions, mentions of rapes/murder/etc (You know, Dexter and Criminal Minds related business)

Notes: Thank you so much to @arrow-guy​​​​​​, @carryonmyswansong​​​​​​, and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​​ - without each of you, I couldn’t have finished, written, or properly navigated this story. Each of you helped me fish out details that were incredibly important to me. Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong​​​​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​​… Aesthetic by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​​​

This is a crossover of Criminal Minds x Dexter. First time writing Dexter.

Also, the timeline is after Season 1 of Dexter, but during season 14-ish of Criminal minds into Season 15. Enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and the team had gotten nothing else done the next morning, thankfully. They tried. Garcia hadn’t found any new information for anyone. Once they let everyone go at noon, you and Dex headed to the marina with the equipment. You got loaded on the boat with fishing gear, cleaning gear, and a picnic lunch. 

“So get this,” Dexter started as you began to open the cleaning supplies kit. 

“Hmm?”

“Harry was seeing my mom,” he blurted out. 

You stopped grabbing stuff to look up at him. “Your adoptive father was dating your biological mother?” 

“It appears that way.” 

“How did you find this out?” you asked, going back to working after handing him a rag. 

“I was listening to some old recordings of my mom. It turns out she was a confidential informant.” 

“So that’s how your father knew her,” you gathered.

“Right. But now I’m starting to question everything. Harry’s teachings. Was he using her? Was he using me? Was I just a means to an end? Did he know I’d ultimately wind up killing my mother’s killers? I had emotional problems as a kid because of what happened to my mom.

Harry said he was trying to help me, but we only talked about his rules. I spent so much time trying to live up to his expectations because I thought he had my best interests in mind.”

“Dex, I’m gonna say this, and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way but…” You sat down, so that he was facing you. “I care a lot about you, and I know you put Harry on a pedestal because you think he saved you from prison, but the truth of the matter is… Harry didn’t do what was best for you. There was no guarantee you’d end up a killer. From what you’ve told me, you were a curious little boy who had an incredibly traumatic past, and instead of dealing with it, getting you help, Harry made you into what you are today.” 

“So you think he was wrong,” he said, no accusation or malice in his voice. 

“I do,” you firmly but softly stated. “Regardless of why he did it, too, the result is the same. You have your Dark Passenger.” 

He began to look lost, erratic, even. “But I've built everything in my life on what Harry said I was supposed to be. My job, my girlfriend. It's all what Harry told me I needed.”

“Maybe he was wrong though. You can’t go back and undo his teachings, but maybe you could start living by your own.”

“What? You’re saying just give up the code? Just live life to some other standard?” 

You shrugged indifferently. “Maybe it’s time to start looking at what you need, rather than what Harry groomed you for.”

“But this is all I know,” he said hopelessly with a trickle of sadness. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin. What would I do with my...urges?” 

“Quiet them. We’ve already discussed how more than anything else, they’re an addiction. Something you can control. Maybe start with that first, and see where life leads you.”

“You’re something, you know that? You come to me, asking me to teach you how to use my urges, just for you turn around and tell me to turn them off.” 

You smirked proudly as you got up and began wiping down the boat again. “What can I say?” 

For the next thirty minutes, you and Dexter meticulously cleaned the boat. You took the right half, he took the left half. Every inch was cleaned and scrubbed. 

“So how are the narcotics anonymous meetings going?” you inquired when you two sat down and started to eat lunch. You stared out over the water, soaking up the sun, relishing the heat and feeling free out here. 

“It’s pointless... I get nothing out of it. But it helps Rita think I’m being normal. Of course, her mother hates me, thinks I’m going to end up like Rita’s ex.” 

“Right,” you agreed, nodding. 

“How are you and Spencer? I can tell he’s not my biggest fan, but what about you two? You making it all work?” he asked, nothing but sincerity in his voice. 

“Actually, uh, I was going to talk to you about that… I’m still worried Spencer might leave me.” 

He seemed a little alarmed so you assuaged that worry. 

“Not that I think he’ll turn either of us in, not like that. He wouldn’t go through all of this just to turn around and sabotage it…” You shook your head. “No, I’m still worried that between his revelation of me, this investigation, and JJ’s confession… I’m just worried he may start to want her again, if he doesn’t still. I know he’s helping us, helping me, and he doesn’t have to, but… I know how hard this has to be for him. I’ve gone from his wife to a serial killer. He’s torn between wanting to protect me from the justice system and turning me in to it. I can understand where he's coming from because when he was in prison, he killed some guys. It was hard for me to hear it, but I sympathized easily. I just think he’s having a harder time…” 

“Why?”

“Well, he killed two guys that were just drug mules. They killed his friend in prison just because they could and they knew it would hurt him. So he retaliated. It was personal. Spence can’t come from a place this cold like you and I can. He can’t come from a place where we spot a stranger and say we want to rid the world of them.” 

“Can’t say I blame him, most people can’t.”

“I know. I mean, our job is to think that way. His entire livelihood has been built around putting people like me away. Now, he has to say he’s married to me. It just makes me feel like maybe he regrets marrying me.”

“I think if he did, he would’ve divorced you by now, or turned you in, or something,” he tried to assure you. 

“Maybe, or he’s just waiting until I’m caught. Then he can pretend like he didn’t know, and he can divorce me easily. Otherwise, we’d have to make something up to our team if we got divorced.” 

“Have you talked to him about this?” 

“No. he’ll just tell me I’m paranoid about JJ...” 

“Well… are you? I mean, are you just being paranoid for no reason?” 

“Maybe. He swears he doesn’t love her, or feel anything, and he probably doesn’t. That doesn’t make me feel any safer or better about Spencer though. Even with JJ not in the picture…” You sighed, realizing you were rambling. 

“What is it?” Dexter gently urged. 

“What if he just leaves because he doesn’t love me any more? Because I am who I am?” 

He pressed his lips together in a thin line. “You were honest with me, so now I’m going to be brutally honest with you.” 

You braced yourself, fearing the worst from your friend. 

“You sought me out, knowing full well what might happen if we took your curiosity all the way. You knew that the moment you killed someone outside of your job, it would change your entire life, everything about it. You knew it, and I told it to you repeatedly.”

You nodded, knowing he was right, listening. 

“So now, you can’t really be upset with him for having normal responses and reactions. This fear you’re having, of him leaving? It’s a side effect of him being involved, of him knowing the truth. That fear is probably always going to be there, unless of course he somehow proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he won’t leave, but that’s impossible.”

“But that’s what I want,” you retorted. “I just want him to say that he forgives me, that he understands why I did what I did, and he won’t leave me for it. I’m just worried with all this extra stress the investigation has caused, so close to him finding out, it’ll push him away.” 

“If it does… it does. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, unfortunately. It’s better to live your life blissfully ignorant, than to go about every day worrying that today is the day something might go wrong.” 

“That’s poetic, did you read that somewhere?” you sarcastically responded. 

“I’m serious. Would you rather live wondering every morning you wake up, ‘Oh, is today the day he decides to leave me?’ Or would you rather just live it happily? Personally, I’d take the happy memories over ones that would be clouded by fear. Aside from waiting to tell you about JJ, you’ve never mentioned Spencer as someone who is flakey, flighty, or a liar. I’d say, if he’s willing to do all this work to keep you from being put in prison, he’s in it for the long haul.”

His words actually made sense and seemed to warm you up. 

“You think so?” 

“Yeah. Besides, you’d have to be crazy to try and divorce a serial killer right?” 

You shook your head and made a face before throwing a cleaning bottle at him. “You’re such an ass!” 

The two of you laughed before talking about things that had nothing to do with the case or killing or your shaky marriage. It was nice to escape for a bit. You caught up about Debra, she was dating some new guy apparently. Rita and Dexter seemed fine but apparently she was uncomfortable with a woman sponsor. 

As the sun was starting to get much lower in the sky, you and Dexter decided to pack things up and call it a day. The boat should have been completely clear of everything by then. Dexter started the boat and began to make towards the shore, which would probably take about ten minutes. He wanted to be sure that you all wouldn’t be disturbed. 

“It’s been hard, you know?” you suddenly said as you leaned back in the seat behind him, admiring the gorgeous view of the horizon. “Being an agent… I have to still know more than everyone in the room, and yet I can’t know too much or it’s suspicious and leads them back to you or me. Every day is getting harder and harder.” Your voice dropped slightly, hope dwindling out of your tone. 

“You just have to lie, that’s all.” 

“I know, that’s the hardest part for me.” 

Dexter couldn’t help himself but laugh. “I like how the killing is the easy part, but the lying is the hard part.” 

“Well the people I’m lying to are friends, Dex. They’re practically family. I’ve prided myself on being honest and trustworthy and forthright my entire life. Now all that’s a farce.” 

“I know,” he finally said with some sympathy and a low voice. “I bet it’s hard. Lying comes naturally for me because Harry told me to basically say the opposite of what I was thinking or feeling at all times. I was raised to be a liar to protect myself. I can’t imagine switching gears now.” 

You let a soft smile touch your lips. This was the side Spence needed to see, the whole world needed to see. The fun, caring, gentle side of Dexter. 

“I never thought I’d see the day where I am best friends with a Fed, and two of them are keeping my secrets,” Dexter noted with a smirk. “Kind of a crazy world, huh?” 

“Yeah, I never thought I’d befriend an unsub, let alone want to protect him,” you informed, getting up and standing next to him. You nudged his shoulder and he glanced at you, the two of you exchanging a fond smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[sunderedstar]

Lalli, orders, and a driving force of the narrative

let me be clear, this post is about trains.

but it is also about moving walkways that take you in a single direction, whether you meant to get on them or not.

and finally, it’s about people who push you to get on the train against your will, and the consequences of being railroaded (ha! funny joke!) like this.

(and it’s also about how Taru is a deceptive asshole who probably deliberately targeted a vulnerable Tuuri to try to manipulate Onni, but I digress.)

-

actually no. let’s start there. let’s talk about the hypocrisy, deception, and all around shady tactics used by the expedition planners. the expedition is set up for failure from the start by gross mismanagement because the organizers slack off on safety and even their mission statement – they just want money. even before they get the mission approved, the budget they submitted was already “refreshingly low.”

(yeah, you guys are so damn brave.)

from the very start, all Torbjorn wanted was a cash grab. he finds normal work degrading, and that's basically it. rare, priceless books obtained under the misleading guise of a research/exploration expedition. they don’t even mention it in the mission contracts. there is nothing on the books about this shit. the proper documentation is never filed. they lied to the Nordic Council through their teeth to get the funding for the expedition. every moment of that prologue section is marked by deception and shortcuts taken at the expense of the young people they’re throwing under the bus.

(yes, Emil. there’s like a 100% chance they absolutely ripped you off. you guys got some unknown set bonuses, they get percentages. without question.)

it’s like Siv trying to cover the hole in Torbjorn’s pants with ink to fool people from a distance. it’s a fucking mess.

and then they have the audacity to strip away all the safety measures that might have prevented disaster instead of, I don’t know, cutting their own salaries. you can trace the majority of the mistakes and mishaps right back to this line here, where Taru and Trond decide NAHHH, you don’t need a day and a night scout and a cat.

one scout. pulling a basically 24/7 double duty in completely uncleansed, unfamiliar, monster-infested territory, in a role that would normally be filled by three different people/animals. way to go, guys. if Lalli and Onni hadn’t been mages of any kind of talent, everyone would have been dead.

and then there’s this blink and you’ll miss it moment, where Taru claims that she knows people who are “extremely bored with their lives” as they discuss desperate people and idiots they can hire for their underfunded, doomed expedition.

One. Taru knows one person bored with her life.

She knows Tuuri.

But she doesn’t want Tuuri. Taru wants Onni as a defense mage. She asks him first, before any other member of her extended family. And when Onni says no…Taru targets Tuuri, the actually bored, adventurous, inexperienced, easily manipulated target she had in mind to force Onni’s hand. she sells Tuuri the exact same lie about this being a research trip, and because Taru is family who also previously worked at Keuruu, she knew exactly how to lure Tuuri in with the call of adventure and discovery.

(Tuuri, you are absolutely being tricked into this.)

Taru is family, and Taru is a military strategist, and Taru plays Tuuri like a fucking fiddle. there's a blithe, almost breathtaking disregard for human decency going around here. (the Vasterstroms probably took one look at their disaffected, undereducated, prideful nephew and thought, ah, how convenient! we’ll send him off into the meat grinder instead.) Taru only failed in that Onni showed up late – she still ultimately succeeded in luring him out of Keuruu, and then afterward has the gall. the audacity. to say she intended to try to recruit him again. after Tuuri fucking died.

how callous can you get.

a lot of this is also played for laughs. Siv and Torbjorn and Trond and Taru are often comical beats, because that’s the tone the comic has taken for them. Onni’s angry protests at the start of the comic come off as that of a bad-tempered, inflexible older brother whose concern is over-exaggerated and unreasonable, who is obstructing Tuuri’s first ever chance at Adventure!!!

oh wait. whoops. that happened.

now, let’s talk about Lalli.

-

Neither Lalli nor Onni want to leave Keuruu. Lalli’s just quieter and less assertive about it, especially once Tuuri starts steering him around, his only lifeline in countries where he doesn’t speak the language.

in a lot of instances, however, Lalli defaults to doing what he’s told. he believes Tuuri when she fills in details for him. he keeps going to his scouting job even after Tuuri quits his job for him OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT, TUURI LITERALLY SIGNED HIM UP FOR A NEW JOB AND VOLUNTOLD HIM TO LEAVE WITHOUT LALLI REALIZING IT HAPPENED.

because Lalli is tired. it’s a running theme. he works nights. and Tuuri eagerly dumps all this info on him during the daylight hours where their shifts overlap, and apparently pushes all of the paperwork for their new job through without Lalli actively signing off on it or processing what’s happening even once. Tuuri claims they resigned together. I highly doubt Lalli had a damn clue.

a lot of bad shit happens because people keep pushing Lalli into things when he’s exhausted. from the moment they stumble off the boat to meet Emil, Lalli is plagued by nausea, poor sleep, and sometimes no sleep at all. but for Lalli, a lifetime of obeying orders – from Ensi, from Onni, from the Keuruu military structure he grew up in – has primed him to go along with it when he’s told what his job is, almost without question.

it's a kind of inertia. Lalli doesn’t want to leave the safe routine of Keuruu, because that’s what he’s used to. but once Tuuri literally shoves him into motion, he keeps going along with her as a path of least resistance. Tuuri wants her adventure, and what Lalli wants won’t stand in her way. even when Lalli does say no, Tuuri gets what she wanted.

and only very rarely does Tuuri not get her way. Lalli plants his feet only once, really. but Tuuri still goes behind his back to make sure someone else forces Lalli to continue on, while he’s trying to assure their safety in the only way he can.

Lalli keeps winding up on/getting manhandled into one-way trips. boats he’s told he’s not allowed to leave. trains that continue to push him along the track in one direction. a walkway that inexorably pushes him toward the outside world, and change. a bridge literally collapses after standing through a century of the apocalypse so that they have no choice but to continue on the expedition. once he accepts this as his new job in a weird, scary foreign country full of death, inertia keeps him there.

and Lalli isn’t the only one who can be pushed.

 Tuuri is the driving force behind a lot of the first adventure, at least as far as Lalli and Onni is concerned. literally – she drives the cat tank.

but somehow, despite her entire family and village apart from Onni and Lalli dying a horrific death to the rash en mass, Tuuri has not internalized the reality of the world. she’s running on her own plucky excitement and blind optimism and scotch tape and whatever Taru fed her about the expedition. she chafes at the confines of Keuruu and wants to see the outside world, and we’re supposed to sympathize with her sense of feeling trapped by military restrictions and an overbearing, overprotective older brother, because that’s how adventures usually go.

so reality in the form of a troll punches a hole through her and the tank.

Onni isn’t overprotective. it turns out that, in the end, he was exactly right. but just as Lalli is forced to work perpetually exhausted and psychically burdened every day by the mass presence of trolls in the silent world, Onni is now forced to work at an extreme distance. he pulls out all the magical stops, potentially gives himself a literal stroke to try to protect Tuuri from that distance – but the expedition planners bought a cheap tank and hired the bare minimum of people and picked the most dangerously careless, cheap options every. damn. time.

so as Tuuri’s illness progresses, the tank progressively falls apart, until both of them die. the crew is forced to continue on foot. it's not a fun adventure anymore; it’s survival, dealing with the ghosts and notoro hazards, and retreat. there's no new impetus without Tuuri.

(the way Tuuri treats/disregards/runs rampant over her reluctant, neuroatypical cousin is a meta in and of itself, tbh.)

-

once they’re back, without Tuuri pushing him along, Lalli defaults to obeying Onni. inertia in action. Lalli has been taught since he was very, very young that if he doesn’t obey orders or if he makes a mistake, he’s a risk, and he’s just seen his cousin die because he was exhausted, because Sigrun didn’t want to backtrack and has casually trusted or brushed off Tuuri’s word on Lalli’s fatigue this whole time, Tuuri pressed exactly that button while scolding Lalli about forgetting the snow, and it set off Lalli’s stubborn pride and prior trauma at the worst possible moment.

and so Onni orders Lalli to stay and get a job with Emil instead of coming with him (supposedly) back to Keuruu. it works. Lalli accepts without really understanding what has happened or why, and lets inertia keep him in Iceland for a month without questioning it, because Onni knows what to do and Onni never lies.

but Onni has lied, and Lalli has been left behind. deliberately, intentionally, by someone who he trusted to make the call.

time to take some initiative!

except things are a lot harder, without Tuuri greasing the wheels, with Lalli trying to go at it alone.

there are no one-way trains or walkways directing Lalli toward a set destination when he sets out like this. there is no Tuuri to keep corralling him when he goes the wrong way. now Lalli keeps running into minor stumbling blocks, language barrier-induced delays, and confusing evidence of where Onni’s final destination might be. unlike the silent world expedition where they had set destinations and book library targets based on prior research and maps, Lalli is essentially choosing where to go on the fly, based on what he learns as he gets there.

but that’s because this isn’t a money-grabbing, glory hounding trip instigated by greed under false pretences. the silent world expedition was inevitable in a very doomed sort of way, which was why the trip there went so (relatively) smoothly. this is Lalli, defying orders, upsetting what used to be the natural order of his life, because he’s worried about Onni.

and in a way, it’s healthier. there are no warning signs like the troll breaching the saw train early in adventure 1. we see sea trolls killed without fuss; no one has been in danger in Finland itself yet, really. They’re trying to find Onni to clear up a deception, not perpetuate a deception for someone else’s gain, at their own cost.

now with slightly more power of friendship!

trying to find Onni is…a more genuine motivation to start a trip. for Lalli just doing this goes against every instinct he’s been trained to follow, and the bumps along the way reflect that it’s an uphill journey as he finds a new way to live.

the contradiction has been there all along, though:

Tuuri tells Lalli to wait for her in Mora. he steps on the moving walkway without realizing, and has to go against the flow to get back to her. (even then, he’s still trying to do what he’s told.) Lalli’s narrative track has been leading up to this confrontation about his own inertia and tendency to fall in with what others want for a while now.

ironically, he can’t be afraid to try new things.

-

speculation time – this new direction for Lalli is probably leading up to a confrontation first with a kade-possessed Ensi, and then (even more speculatively) with a kade-possessed Onni, with the kade playing on Lalli’s documented tendency to defer to their orders. particularly if the it hunting the Hotakainens = the kade that possessed Ensi = the nightmare moose that attacked Lalli in the dream sea. an attack which, in addition to Tuuri’s death, would have prompted more of Onni’s urgency in returning to Saimaa. Tuuri died and Lalli almost died, and Onni’s got a very strong protective and self-sacrificial streak.

we see the prototype for what’s to come as Ensi slowly loses control of herself under the kade’s influence. she gives Lalli the order not to look into her eyes, first – but she hasn’t realized yet that the kade can just use Ensi herself to contradict that order. we can assume that if Lalli meets Ensi again, he’s going to have to disregard any order she gives him that might be suspect, in a way he’s been trained not to since he was a child. even back then, when faced with the contradiction in Ensi’s orders, Lalli wound up doing...what Grandma told him…

…but he can’t rely on Ensi’s last moments of clarity anymore. it's been too long. Lalli has to make his own calls under his own direction, with no way to know if what he’s choosing is a mistake or not.

and for a maximum ironic callback, Ensi says that she’ll retire when her replacement is trained…and when she’s dead.

if kade!Ensi is looking for a replacement for her now aging body...Onni and Lalli certainly fit the bill.

[scripttorture]

I have a bit of a situation in a fanwork I'm writing, one of the characters (H) has undergone a weeklong period of isolation. For most of that time he is isolated, and for the first few days he's been deprived of food and water. However, midway through this, H had a biological cycle happen that made the people holding him deeply uncomfortable. In this universe, people form strong emotional bonds to each other (which these characters have) and are incredibly reluctant to hurt another (1/?)

(2/?)and these characters, who were already questioning this decisionimmediately feel uncomfortable. L doesn't want to stop the tortureitself but does want to to d it down in severity (H had tried tomutiny against them and severely injured a non bonded crew member soshe wants information) but D thinks they should stop it as much aspossible. L puts D in charge of bringing him rations and eventually Dsympathizes with H to the point where he convinces L to stop itentirely, but because(3/?)of H's bad self esteem in regards to said biological process, he'saverse to people touching him during this time and literally screamsat D to leave him alone on multiple occasions and nearly cries at onepoint. This biological process is also usually a sex trope, and Hends up kissing D a short time afterwards but freaks out the secondhe starts thinking clearly and threatens him with a weapon. It is ofnote that they've had a fight over H and his position in society b4,but grew(4/?)past that and were close friends up till H attempted to mutiny. Thisis based off of events in canon, and given the organization they workin (and the fact that there's multiple mutinies handled this way) Isuspect that isolation is protocol. H has worked for thisorganization for awhile and would know this, and even be equipped forhandling aftermath as a medical officer. Given his position in it hemight also know how to handle aftermath on himself (if possible). Myquestion is(5/?) how would this affect H (he has previous trauma andis naturally untrusting and has difficulty making significantrelationships), as well as the relationship between the characters,given that they end up having to deal with far worse people who endup torturing L, H, and another character again. (L goes through whatH went through for the most part, poetically). It is also notablethat D offers to stop the isolation earlier but H tells him to fuckoff and leave him alone to handle it himself bc of how much beingaround other people upsets him during this time (during previouscycles, he has intentionally isolated himself for long moments oftime), and D does so up to a point when he can't follow through withthat anymore

Myability to answer this is hampered by the fact that a central themeis a pseudo-biological cycle that’s outside reality.

I’veleft this for quite some time because I’m honestly not sure how tobalance the fantasy elements with reality. In this case I think thefantasy elements are too big of an influence for me to really….knowwhat’s ‘realistic’ in this situation.

Allthe research I’m drawing from doesn’t have anything even close tothis pseudo-biological cycle.

So-I’m not sure how much I can do with this. You’ve constructed thecharacters in a way which means they don’t behave like normalpeople any more, they no longer have human brains.

Ican talk about the effects these techniques would ordinarily have andgive my opinion of the responses you’ve planned for the characters.But I’m going to have to completely ignore a central element of thestory to do so and��.I’m not sure how helpful the answer is goingto be as a result.

Thetime frame you’ve got for isolation and starvation seems reasonableand wouldn’t be life threatening to most healthy people. It wouldleave the victim physically weakened and with a longer reaction time.He’d also be starting to show the psychological symptoms ofstarvation and solitary confinement which youcan read about here andhere respectively.

Ifthis system of neglect and isolation is routine in the setting thenthe character mighthavea good idea of what care should look like. But that doesn’t meanthat knowledge would be helpful or that he’d be able to apply it tohimself.

Hemight, for instance, be able to consciously recognise that much ofwhat he’s feeling is influenced by not having enough to eat. Hemight even be able to pinpoint particular feelings and behaviours asbeing caused by starvation. But that won’t make the feelings goaway.

Bothof these tortures are depriving someone of a thing they need tosurvive. Recognising the symptoms won’t fill that gap. I think thatthere would be a limited amount he could do for himself beyondacknowledge that these states are temporary and he could recoverlater.

Myown experience of mental health problems is that it’s perfectlypossible to know whysomething you feel is irrational or unhealthy and be unable todistance yourself from the feeling anyway. I think when the feelingswe’re talking about are physiological responses to very specificbodily needs (ie food and water) then it would be even harder toachieve that distance.

Ifhe was starved over a more prolonged period I think that effect wouldbe even more pronounced. As it is- well the time frame makes it lesslikely he’d be outright irrational, but irritable, aggressive,depressive, apathetic and suffering from mood swings- well thatsounds likely.

Ifyou’re writing the pseudo-biological cycle as a way ofstrengthening social bonds in a group (ie it generally makesindividuals closer whether they’re having sex or not) then I thinkit would make sense to show the symptoms of solitary confinementhitting the character harder. Because if the idea is the turn theprocesses that help us bond socially up to 11 then I think it wouldmake sense that depriving someone of those bonds would have a moreacute affect.

Inthe same way that depriving children of food has a more profoundeffect on them physiologically, stunting their growth andintelligence and possibly having epigenetic* effects that are passedon as far as their grandchildren.

Asfor the character’s responses. I think H’s response, these moodswings and aggressive pushing away of the abusive character, works.Both of these symptoms can be caused by starvation and solitaryconfinement and they tend to persist for a while after a starvingperson has enough to eat.

Invictims who are confined for longer periods it’s pretty common forthem to act aggressively towards other people when they appear. Partof that is the natural antagonism torture victims feel towards peoplethey blame for their suffering (a category that can encompass morethan torturers).

ButShalev suggests that it’s also to do with getting a responsehowever negative. People insolitary confinement quickly ‘learn’ that behaving well doesn’tget them the human contact they desperately need. Some people canrespond to that by behaving ‘badly’ instead, vandalising theircell/furniture, making a mess and insulting or attacking guards.Because they’re so desperate for human interaction that evennegative reactions and violence seem preferable to being ignored.

Whenit comes to writing relationships I try to stick to howrealistic/reasonable I think an interaction/progression is orsuggesting possible alternatives. I personally dislike the style ofwriting advice that tells people what they ‘must’ do.

Idon’t think there’s any one formulaic way to write anythingcorrectly. What’s right for your story and these characters will bedifferent to what’s right for other works. The effects torture hason survivors are highly individual and complex. So are therelationships that survivors have with other people. Ithink having that variety and nuance in fiction is important.

So-I’m not going to tell you how these relationships ‘should’ bewritten. What I’m going to do is unpack what I see you describingbehaviour wise and how realistic/reasonable I think that is. I’llalso talk a little bit about some of the options you have here.

Generally-you seem to be leaning in to the idea of H being particularlyantagonistic towards D. I think that makes sense, especially since Dis the character he has most contact with. Despite D’s intentionsto end the abuse it would make sense that H could see D as theprimary abuser.

The...individualsand circumstances traumatised people latch on to and come toassociate with abuse are not necessarily logical. Antagonism canextend far beyond the people directly responsible for abuse,encompassing a whole group of people with perceived similarities (ienationality, race, gender).

Survivorscan also latch on to the peoplethey see every day even if they know logically that these peoplearen’t wholly responsible for the situation. A guard who hands outreduced rations could easily be hated and blamed for a prison-widepolicy of starvation. The guard is responsible for going along withand enforcing the policy as an individual, but probably didn’tpersonally ensure it was implemented and wouldn’t be able to carryon enforcing it without wider organisational support.

SoI think the way you’re highlighting this antagonism on H’s partmakes sense.

Butthat does affect where H’s future relationship with D can go. It’sperfectly possible for H to reach a point where he can acceptlogically that D was doing the ‘best he could’ in an awfulsituation while stillfeeling extremely antagonistic towards D and finding positiveinteraction difficult/impossible.

Ifyou wanted to move their relationship beyond that I think it wouldtake a lot of time, patience and compassion. It would require H tohave a strong desire to get past this, which he may not necessarilyhave.

@scripttraumasurvivorshas written quite a few useful posts on tackling the relationshipbetween abusers and survivors if/when abusers ‘get better’.

Thetrauma H associates with D is unlikely to go away. That isn’t tosay that their relationship can’t get better than it currently is,but I think you need to think carefully about how good it couldreasonably be with all this baggage. It’s also important toconsider at every step whether the narrative is straying towardsexcusing D’s complicity in the abuse H suffers.

SinceH has been traumatised before and generally finds trust difficultthen I think this series of incidents (because you seem to bedescribing two counts of torture here, one at the hands of L and Dand another later on where L is also victimised) would hugely impacthis recovery. H is probably going to feel as if he’s steppedbackwards and ended up in the same place he was when he wasoriginally traumatised or somewhere worse. Any difficulty he hasrelating to other people or trusting them is likely to be magnified.

Hissymptoms (which ever ones you’ve picked for him) are going to getworse. He may acquire new symptoms, new expressions of old symptomsand new triggers. That will make dealing with his symptoms moredifficult because old coping strategies may no longer work.

Fromthe way you’ve characterised him so far I think he’d find it verydifficult to accept help from others and impossible to seek it out.It seems likely that he’d come out of these incidents furtherisolated.

Ifthere are characters that you think he’d feel safe around and beable to accept help from it’s likely he’d still struggle withbasic social interaction. You’re describing a pattern of moodswings and aggression that- well basically a lot of people finddifficult to deal with and patterns of behaviour like that can bevery difficult for survivors to recognise and break. Especially inthe immediate and short term aftermath of a traumatising event.

Ifeel like I have less of a clear idea of L than I do of H and D.You’ve described both H and D in so detail and their interactions,whereas L seems to have been mostly characterised by sticking rigidlyto this idea that torture is an essential response to treachery.

Lseems to be responding to the situation involving H with a mindsetthat seems very typical of a torturer. D isn’t. To me that seems toimply that L has been torturing for longer and could therefore havemore symptoms than D at the outset.

Aswith H another traumatic event (being tortured later) is only goingto worsen those symptoms. It’s likely L would gain new symptoms.

Forboth H and L post traumatic stress disorder is more likely becausethey’ve both been traumatised multiple times.

Ithink depending on the symptoms you pick and the amount that H hascontact with L while being abused by L and D- you could potentiallywrite them with a more positive relationship than H and D. It’sstill likely to be incredibly complicated and not necessarilyhealthy.

Ithink the deciding factors are likely to be how much H blames L forbeing tortured and how much he sympathises with L when both of themare being tortured. No contact when L is responsible for H’s abuseand a lot of contact when they’re both being abused by someone elsecould result in a more ‘positive’ outlook from H’s side. It’sstill not likely to be hugely positive though.

FromL’s side a lot is going to depend on how much they cling on to theidea of H as a traitor who ‘deserves’ punishment. From what yououtlined I think you could reasonably write L lashing out towards Hwhile both of them are being tortured. If L sees H’s actions asabsolutely inexcusable then torture is not going to change that viewpoint and make L suddenly more sympathetic to H’s plight. They mayeven respond with a knee-jerk ‘well you deserved it but I don’t’sort of response.

Whichis unlikely to result in positive interaction.

Combiningall of these complicated layers of antagonism, symptoms and responseswith the pseudo-biological cycle in your story could result in somevery interesting relationships. From your outline it sounds as ifyou’ve got a group of characters who are all likely to have somesort of severe mental health problem and are largely antagonistictowards each other. But at the same time their ‘bond’ could bedriving them to stay close to each other, seek out each other’scompany and perhaps even attempt to protect each other.

Tome that sounds like a very interesting set of internal conflicts evenif it is pretty far from reality.

Italso seems like a reasonable way of blending fantasy and realitywithout falling into torture apologia. The unrealistic elements arevery clearly tied to the fantasy biology.

Overall,I think this has the potential to be really good. A lot is going todepend on the execution and how you balance the different elements inthe story. The emotional elements across the different characterscould be especially challenging. Sticking to one first personnarrative point view might limit your ability to explore theemotional conflict you’ve set up in the other characters. Multiplepoints of view or a third person overarching narration may be aneasier approach.

Ihope that helps. :)

*Epigeneticsare a sort of rewritable code on top of DNA. They’re instructionsto the body to turn certain genes on or off, expressing them inparticular places to different degrees. The body rewrites them inresponse to environmental stimulus. Some of them seem to be heritableand in rats certain diets during pregnancy have been shown to change epigeneticmarkers in mothers vs their children (ie both have a particular gene but itis expressed in the parent and ‘off’ in the offspring).

Disclaimer

[stellardeer]

been watching "You" lately because my roommate put it on, and I had avoided it previously because I'd heard some negative things about it from people on here (it's told from the perspective of a man stalking a woman in the beginning which made me uncomfortable at first but i kept watching anyway and got sucked in), I wouldn't recommend it to teenagers but the writing is really compelling and it's really good if you like shows that make you go 'WHAT is gonna happen next??'

(more opinion/possible spoilers under cut)

(cw: stalking, killing, [unrelated to show] sexual assault mention) The reason I say that it's not for teenagers is because the show does kind of normalize the stalking/murdering to a degree, to an extent that might put wrong ideas into the heads of younger people who are still learning and developing. And I use the word "normalize" instead of "romanticize" or "glorify" because the show does repeatedly remind you that none of the main character's actions are okay, the response from all of the other characters is negative, none of the characters are going "aww it's okay what you did because you did it for love :)", which I believe is where the line is crossed when writers intend to make a negative behavior seem good. When I say "normalize", I mean that they're giving his perspective on his actions through his inner monologue, and his attempts to explain everything away and make it rational definitely give off the idea of like "People who do bad things are damaged too and not necessarily the monsters we think they are" and maybe even a little bit of "what if i stalk and kill people as a coping mechanism?? :(" And that's maybe not an idea that we want to be putting into the heads of young, impressionable people. Not saying that adults can't be affected too, but I think that it's less likely to change the mind of an adult, unless someone already thinks that way in which case they might just feel validated.

THAT BEING SAID THOUGH, I'm recommending this show because I think the storytelling and directing is phenomenal from a purely technical standpoint, disregarding the content. If you like shows with crime/mystery or just any story that leaves you wanting more, then it's a good show for those reasons. I don't necessarily think that it is the responsibility of the entertainment industry to show us 100% wholesome content at all times, and if there are already adults out there who think like "what i'm doing is fine because i'm doing it for the right reasons", then I don't think that avoiding showing that perspective in fiction is going to reverse that thinking. It's true that it may make it harder for people to justify their own actions if they never feel validated by a piece of fiction, and if you believe that is the right way to handle media then I can't really argue with that and I understand why you wouldn't support a story like this. I'm not trying to say "We should be promoting this show on every billboard across the world!" I'm just 1 person recommending this to my few meager followers who might actually even read this post, who may or may not enjoy media that depicts crime/violence.

If you've read this far and you have decided that this piece of media is not for you, then I definitely understand that, especially if you're someone who has experienced interpersonal violence of that kind, it could be very triggering. The first episode opens with the main character/narrator meeting a woman and then immediately stalking her for what I think is several weeks? (timeline slightly unknown) And the first season ends (spoiler alert, skip to next paragraph to avoid) with him murdering that same woman in what could be considered a crime of passion. It's terrifying to watch as a woman/woman-adjacent person. It makes you feel like nothing and no one is safe. I felt the same way about 13 Reasons Why in the end when (also spoiler, but not for 'You') the character who committed multiple sexual assaults WENT TO TRIAL was NOT convicted despite being FOUND GUILTY, it was infuriating and triggering to me, so if you have had a stalker and don't think that you could watch a show in which a stalker/murderer basically gets away with it (altho i dont fully know since it isn't over yet), then I would not recommend this for you either!

NOW FINALLY ON TO WHY YOU MIGHT LIKE IT, contains minor spoilers about general content but no specifics This is not a show like Hannibal or Dexter, about a serial killer who can't stop himself (I haven't watched those shows so sorry if I'm wrong). It's a show about a quote-unquote seemingly "normal" guy who essentially accidentally let his life get a little out of control, but ends up repeating the same patterns every time he thinks that he's out of the woods. Which, who knows, maybe he IS just like Hannibal or Dexter, who probably also think that what they're doing is justified somehow. But in 'You' this character is not someone who seeks to harm people, he doesn't want to harm anyone, he usually doesn't even plan to harm someone it just happens in the moment but he doesn't know what to do about it after. His goal is not to harm, his goal is love, and he ends up harming people who get in his way of his love.

I will say that I was put off by the first couple episodes because this man is just obsessively watching this woman from afar and claiming it's because he wants to make sure she's worth it before trying to date her, and I kept watching because I'm like "surely this will end poorly for him. surely justice will be served", and after a couple episodes and the twists and turns that ensue, I'm like.. well it's not ending in justice necessarily but what the FUCK is happening I need to see where this will go.

And then things get worse and you think "Well surely NOW he will get caught and there will be consequences??"

And somehow there are still no consequences. And eventually you find yourself (I use general 'you' because my roommate agrees) not necessarily rooting for him, not in a sense of "Wow I hope you get what you want and every bad thing you did is justified and never discovered and you live happily ever after (:" but it's more like... "Please just stop doing bad things. Please this one time just walk away and don't do the wrong thing. You can still salvage this. It's not too late in this one instance. REALLY you should be turning yourself in for what you've done, but it's not too late to avoid doing more harm!"

Which, again, is where it may get kind of dangerous, since even I went from "Wow this guy is fucked, i hate him and anyone like him and they should all die" to "Okay I get that you're messed up, but can you just fucking stop?" Throughout the series I just keep turning to my roommate and basically reminding myself out loud "he killed people, wtf" The show doesn't really let you forget, either. Again, it's not like the writers of the show want you to forget what he did and forgive him and let him be happy, they repeatedly remind you that he has done unspeakable harms, and then just when you think it's over and the jig is up, he manages to make it out unscathed.

If you've seen Death Note, it's very similar to the way that's written. In Death Note, you get Light's inner monologue. You almost want to support him because he's convinced HIMSELF that what he's doing is right and hearing his perspective almost convinces YOU that he shouldn't be punished for what he's doing. Death Note is a little different because Light is trying to "save the world" whereas the MC of You is just trying to fall in love, so you might find it harder to sympathize. However, the storytelling is pretty much the same. And what happened to Light? Justice caught up with him. He got what he ultimately deserved, no matter how much you might have wanted to root for him. It's a little harder to root for the MC of 'You' because his end goal is not as "noble" as "ridding the world of evil" or whatever, but I think that's better. It's easier to hate and fear him, especially if you feel like it's something that could happen to anyone. It's something that could happen to you. Which is why I think they chose the name 'You' for the show. For that matter, the you could even be the main character. He just seems like a normal guy. He's just trying his best to survive and make meaningful connections like anyone else. This could be 'You', given the right(wrong) circumstances.

Anyway, I've written a whole lot, glad I put it under a cut, but if you've paid attention to my blog at all you'll probably know that I don't normally talk about media too often on my blog, I'm not too much into "fandoms" or ranting and raving about the stuff I like, so I feel like the fact that I feel compelled to tell other people "omg have you seen You?? can we please talk about wtf is happening in this show??" is honestly reason enough for me to recommend to others and say "it's good!"

But I felt like all these caveats were necessary! Because I do remember seeing a lot of negative reactions from Tumblr users when the show first came out due to the nature of the content and its presentation. If the story were told from the perspective of the women, it would be a horror story. In fact, it wouldn't even be a horror story until the very end when the love-interest finally discovers what's been going on. It would be more like a boring love story until you finally found out "omg he was stalking her? how disgusting!" But that's how it is in real life, too. Real life horror stories aren't always actually horrible until it's too late. You often don't see the atrocities coming when they're committed by someone who you know and trust. That's how the majority of traumas/tragedies go.

By telling it from the bad dude's perspective you get an interesting story, you see how scary it can really be, you see how easily someone's good intentions and average crime-free life can turn sour by a few poorly calculated emotionally-driven decisions. You see how the trauma is created from the actions of authority/parental figures. There is a repeated theme throughout the show of neglected children, and the the people that they can become when it goes unchecked. I feel like that biggest takeaway from the show is that every child should be shown love and kindness. Lest they grow up to be fucking serial killers.

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

Do You Have the Time? Episode 024: Heart on Your Sleeve

Synopsis: Jeremy and Madison have better success at using their inside voices this time.

[April 24th, 2018, 18:35]

           Leslie slowly inched her car into the parking lot to Jeremy and Madison’s apartment complex. The pavement had a steep dip between the road at the entrance of the parking lot. Even at a snail’s pace, the Leslie’s front bumped scraped the pavement leading into the lot. She grimaced at the harsh scratching sound. Jeremy frowned and nodded in complacency.

           “Sorry. No matter what you try, your car always takes the hit. You should see my neighbor’s car,” he sympathized.

           Leslie was silent until she recognized Jeremy’s building and pulled into a spot nearby. She put the car in park and looked around. She scoffed at herself in frustration.

           “Oh my god, I totally forgot, I should have taken you to your car, instead! You drive yourself to campus on Tuesdays because you teach, right?”

           “Normally, yes,” he chuckled, “Very good memory. But Madison actually drove us this morning, so she has the keys. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything anyway,” he explained.

           “Oh. Okay, are you sure?”

           “Yeah, yeah, it’s okay. I would have said something, otherwise.”

           “Okay…” Leslie glanced around the parking lot one more time, “I don’t see your car anywhere here. Where is Madison at?” she asked.

           Jeremy nervously hummed and sighed at the question.

           “I’m not really sure,” he said.

           “Oh,” Leslie replied, holding her gaze on Jeremy, expecting to hear more.

           He pursed his lips and faced himself straight ahead in the car, with his eyes lowered to his shoes. He fidgeted with a loose string on his sweater.

           “We sort of got in a fight earlier,” he admitted.

           “Oh,” she echoed again, “Another one?” she paused, “Sorry, that didn’t come out like I wanted it to. You know, like, I just remember you guys had an issue not too long ago in the lab, and—”

           “No, I understand,” he laughed wryly, “And yes, another one, but… not like that one before. There were… lots of things said this time. It was, uh, messy.”

           “I… can’t really imagine you being in such a messy fight?”

           “Well… I think it was a long time coming.”

           “Oh, I see,” she said, “So… what are you going to do?”

           “I don’t know,” he exhaled, “We can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. I suppose I’ll… try to talk to her about it, as much as I… dread it,” he shuttered, “I wish it just didn’t happen but… I think this is a talk we’ve needed for a while. We used to be so much closer when we were younger. I think part of that might be my fault.”

           “So, you’re going to talk to her when she gets home?”

           “I don’t see any other way to make this better. Normally, I’d try to just convince myself that I’m better off without all the drama and just distance myself or cut ties completely, but…”

           “But what?”

           “I’ve just been thinking how things used to be. Like she said, ‘why can’t we just be like we used to?’. I don’t know if we can go back to the exact same relationship we had before, but maybe it’s not such a bad thing. We can still get better. Maybe even be better than before… At least I hope,” he corrected.

           “I hope so too, Jeremy,” she said, “Can I offer some input?”

           “Yeah, of course.”

           “I don’t know everything about your guys’ history, or how you used to be, but… even when your relationship hasn’t been at its best, I can see a lot of potential for a happy and healthy bond. So… if you want it to be better, I think it’ll get there.”

           “Hmm, yeah… thanks,” he said through a long, winded sigh, “That helps… I’m not sure how, but it helps. A bit.”

           Leslie gently smiled and glanced at his apartment building. Then back to him.

           “You should probably get in there. It’s easier to jump into a freezing pool than it is to dip your toes in one by one.”

           He scoffed.

           “I actually understand that one. Okay. I’ll go.”

           Before he reached for the handle, Leslie unbuckled her seatbelt, leaned her body over towards his seat and gave him a disjointed hug. One arm wrapped around him too easily, and the other, not enough. He was taken by surprise, but clumsily reciprocated after a moment of maneuvering his arms around his own seatbelt. Leslie’s hair tickled his face as he rested his head on her shoulder.

           “Text me later tonight and tell me how it goes, okay?” she said softly.

           “Oh. Okay. Really?” he asked.

           “Well, yeah!” she chuckled, “I want you guys to be okay, too, after all.”

           “Okay. I will,” he accepted, “Thanks. Again. And, um, thank you for the hug, also,” he stammered, still holding on.

           “You seemed like you needed one. And I also just like hugs, and I don’t have many people to give them to, so…”

           “That’s okay, I can take it,” he joked.

           “Oh, but how much can you take?” she warbled and squeezed him tightly. He snorted and chuckled. He grunted and squeezed her harder, making a game out of it. Leslie furrowed her brow in the face of competition and squashed him as hard as she could. Jeremy wheezed and laughed, tapping her on the shoulder for mercy. She snickered triumphantly and let go. Jeremy caught his breath and felt his face heating up. He tried to execute his departure before she could notice.

           “Alright, so, I’ll—I’m gonna go—" he said.

           “Okay!” Leslie loudly cut him off.

           “And I’ll talk to you later tonight,” he finished.

           “Okay! You do that!” she replied, also hurrying the goodbye, “Good luck!” she said and unlocked the car doors.

Jeremy swiftly exited, waved to her as he crossed in front of the car and scurried across the parking lot to his building. He didn’t look back once he waved to her. Leslie turned a knob causing a gentle breeze of air conditioning to flow over her face and hair.

She sighed.

           “Leave it to me to make it weird and awkward.”

[April 24th, 2018, 18:45]

           Jeremy unlocked the front door and entered an empty and silent apartment. The sofa was made neatly with all pillows positioned deliberately. Nothing sat on the coffee table and their tiny TV was still turned off. Although the HDMI cable to their Nintendo Switch was hanging out from their console table. Perhaps she was home and played video games for a bit. He continued his walkthrough of the apartment. A cardboard box from a TV dinner was left empty on the kitchen counter. Seems she had eaten.

           “Madison?” he called.

           No response.

           He crept to the other side of the living room where the doors to the bedrooms and the bathroom were. He gently knocked on her door and called for her again. Still nothing. He cracked the door, but heard no protests. He peaked inside. Her oak wood desk was cluttered with her favorite trinkets. A jar of sand from the beach, interesting-looking rocks, a ceramic dish with a cactus sprouting up from the center. The bed was a mess. Pillows on the floor, sheets rolled up into a ball, stuffed animals strewn about randomly. Even more blankets were overflowing from a basket on the floor. Her dresser and nightstand drawers were partially open; he couldn’t see what was inside, but there was definitely too much crammed into each drawer. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nonetheless, her mess was never able to detract from her sky-blue walls. No matter how much clutter, her room still seemed so large and open. Jeremy hummed and closed her door.

           He supposed it wasn’t such a bad thing that she hadn’t come home yet. It would give him time to think of what he wanted to say. He directed himself into his own room. He never changed his room from the off-white color it was when he moved in. Organization and storage were his highest priorities when he moved in. Small bookshelf to hold the few books he hadn’t tucked away into a box under the bed. An Ottoman and nightstand to disperse the load of storage, and a desk to work at. Bed made neatly with one stuffed robot toy laying with the pillows. Despite his fixation with organization, the dark hue of his furniture relentlessly shrunk the size of his room.

           He forced himself to his desk with a notebook and pencil to organize his thoughts. He sat for several minutes with his pencil tapping the paper, hoping the ideas would come soon. He rubbed his temples as he started to develop a headache. He glanced at his dresser and spoke up.

           “Alexa,” he projected his voice. His echo dot lit up and waited for his request, “Play ‘Love Like You’ on Spotify, please.”

           And she did.

           Still, the song did nothing to fuel his productivity. If anything, it distracted him. He followed the melody of the piano and attempted to decode the time signature and chord progression. Seconds after it started, he’d dropped his pencil and leaned back in his chair with his hands laced behind his head and feet on the table. He stopped thinking about everything. Madison. His parents. His research. Leslie. The music. It was as if he’d skipped ahead three minutes to right when the song ended. He only came to at the end of the song, when he realized his Alexa had stopped playing.

            His room fell silent again.

            He asked his Alexa to play the song again.

            He let out a light sigh, shut his notebook and got up from his desk. Rather absent mindedly, he wandered around his room, looking at his furniture until he made it over to his bed. He was tired. After being home for thirty or forty minutes, he could feel that the day had taken quite a toll on his body. The stress of teaching, research, fighting with Madison, reflecting on their parents, opening up to Leslie twice, it had all drained him of his brain power. He couldn’t bear the thought of organizing all of that into a condensed list of talking points to discuss with Madison.

            He needed to do something else.

            He dropped to his knees next to his bed and swatted his hand around beneath it until he found what he was looking for. His keyboard and a booklet slid out from under his bedframe. Afterwards, he muscled the stand for the keyboard and a stool out of his closet. He brought all the items to the living room — with the addition of his robot toy — and set them up.

             He sat on his stool between the couch and television. His robot toy watched him from the couch. The keyboard sat rightfully on the stand. Just behind the keyboard was an additional shelf on the stand that held sheet music. It held his booklet and he flipped through a few pages until he found the right page. Blank sheet music filled in with pen by Jeremy’s hand years ago. Some of the notes were smudged, but he remembered what they were supposed to play. The top of the page read “Ballroom Lullaby in C Major by Jeremy Brilliant”.

              After flipping his keyboard on, Jeremy softly played his first chord in years. C major. Easy to get himself started. He began following the bass progression of the song with his left hand. Simple way to warm up. Then, he started the melody with his right hand. The first melody always relaxed him. As the melody got more complex, he felt his throat tighten up. He wrote the song during a day when he was left home alone for the entire day to study while his mother worked, and his father took Madison to the county fair. He could never not think about that day whenever he played that song. As he played, he realized he could never not think about something related to his life at home designed by his mother when he played piano.

             About a minute and a half into the song, Madison bulldozed her way through the front door, holding a CVS bag in one hand an ice-cream cone in the other hand. Her entrance wasn’t out of anger, it was just her way; she couldn’t seem to help barging in to wherever it was that she was going. Even when she was in the middle of crying, it seemed. Her face was red, and her eyes were slightly swollen. She shot a glance at Jeremy, who was still playing. She looked serious. It wasn’t an expression he was accustomed to seeing on her. Her eyes grew wide with surprise; Jeremy hesitated and almost ceased his playing, but she shook her head and waved her hands towards him to suggest that he should stay focused.

            He continued playing.

           She tiptoed around his keyboard and plopped herself on the couch next to his toy robot. She furrowed her brow in confusion at the sight of it, then held it securely in her lap while she continued to listen. Her face was beginning to calm. Her expressions shifted between heartwarming and disgruntled. It seemed that she was just as confused as her brother. His playing got softer and slower until finally, he gently resolved the melody with the final chord.

           C major.

           The room was quiet after the song ended. Jeremy took a deep breath and tore his eyes from the sheet music to meet eyes with his sister. She forced a half-smile at him.

           “How long has it been?” she asked.

           “…I think about six years.”

           “You mean you never played after you picked it up from their house?”

           “Not until today,” he corrected.

           “Not bad for six years out of practice,” she scoffed.

           “Well. It’s not a very complicated song. It’s only four chords.”

           Madison glanced down at the toy in her hands and held it up for him.

           “You had an audience, but didn’t invite me? Rude.”

           He chuckled.

           “I didn’t know you had things like this,” she said.

           “A few. I like that one a lot, though.”

           “It’s cute,” she said and set it back down beside her.

           Jeremy turned himself on the stool to face her and held his hands on his knees while he contemplated.

           “I was thinking we should talk about… what happened today—” he started,

           “Me too,” she interjected.

           “—but I didn’t think of anything to say.”

           “That’s okay. I’ve been thinking a lot, so maybe I can go first? Maybe you’ll think of stuff along the way,” she suggested, and moved to sit with her legs underneath her.

           “Okay, good idea,” Jeremy nervously agreed. He didn’t know what to expect from her.

           “Sooo…” she started with a deep exhale, “There were a lot of things that came up in that… ‘discussion’. But first, I wanted to start with… I’m sorry.”

           Jeremy raised his eyebrows.

           “Yeah, I know, right?” she chuckled, “When do I ever say that?” she paused, “But for real. I felt like you were mad at me for a while, and it made me upset. I wanted to talk about it, and the way I went about it was… mean. I was trying to get a rise out of you. Get you really mad, provoke you, anything, just to get a reaction from you. I have a reason, but that doesn’t make it right. I should have asked you about it in a more responsible way. And I’m sorry.”

           “Well, thank you. That—really is nice to hear coming from you,” he said.

           “But I think the reason is that—I just—I feel so shut out by you sometimes. I just wanted you to talk to me… for once. Just once, I wanted you to tell me something other than ‘go away’—”

           “I never said that,” Jeremy corrected, defensively.

           “Not really, but you dropped some pretty heavy hints by not talking to me and then walking away,” she explained.

           Jeremy let out a strained sigh and begrudgingly nodded.

           “But still. You didn’t know that, then. I should have been more forward and respectful about it. So, I’m sorry.”

           Jeremy waited a moment for her to continue, but she stayed quiet. He took the opportunity to speak instead.

           “I’m sorry, too,” he started, “I haven’t done a stellar job at… telling people what I want. Or don’t want. I suppose I was trying to tell you that I didn’t want to talk, but… that wasn’t the most responsible way to do it either—”

           “Psh, I’ll say,” she joked.

           Jeremy glared at her.

           “Uh, sorry,” she quickly back-peddled, “Probably should have read the room on that one. That wasn’t cool.”

           “It’s okay. Although, I do appreciate it when you don’t interrupt me while I’m trying to make a point—”

           “Didn’t you just interrupt me a minute ago, though?” she cross-examined.

           Jeremy sighed and closed his eyes in frustration.

           “Yes, I did.”

           “And then I just interrupted you to tell you that you interrupted me earlier.”

           He closed his eyes and started chuckling. He mentally stepped aside from the conversation for a moment, relaxed his shoulders, and let himself laugh. Madison slowly joined him.

           “Can we just agree that we were both kinda pieces of shit for talking over each other and we’re both hella sorry for that?”

           “Yeah, that would probably be more efficient,” he said, “We’ll have to both work on that problem.”

           “So, since we’re here now…” she began, “do you want to tell me what’s been bothering you? I feel like it’s been eating you up a bit, and I’ll tell you it’s definitely been eating me up.”

           “Okay,” he said with a heavy breath, “It’s more like two things.”

            She grimaced but held her tongue, so she didn’t derail the topic with a joke.

            “Sometimes, I feel like you try to downplay the things that I do or say that are important to me, and if I protest, you tell me to relax or act like it’s not a big deal.”

           “Alright… not trying to disagree, but could you give me an example? Might help me understand what you’re saying a bit easier.”

           “Sure, let me think…” he paused, “What about when we were getting in the car to go to Leslie’s house for the dinner party?”

           “Okay, sure. What happened?”

           “You took my video camera with you because you wanted to make a documentary about our research—”

           “—Still doing it by the way—” She interrupted, “Ah! Shit, I did it again. Sorry, sorry.”

           “But you didn’t ask if you could use it. We’re using that camera for something that I take very seriously and it’s important to me. You started using it for something you wanted, and when I protested, you ignored me and told me that what you were doing was ‘way cooler’. I felt like you only cared about what you wanted to do, and you didn’t even respect me enough to listen to anything I had to say about it. I feel like I need to supervise you all the time, when you don’t take me seriously. And if you can’t take me seriously, I can’t trust you to handle things responsibly on your own. Things like your coursework. That really bothers me,” he explained.

           The siblings could feel their bodies becoming heavier as they fully owned their emotions and finally revealed them to one another. Madison huffed in a cumbersome manner and nodded.

           “Oh…” she sighed, “Well shit, I didn’t even think about it like that,” she scoffed, “But I guess that was pretty obvious, huh?”

           Jeremy rocked his hand left and right, giving her a so-so gesture.

           “I guess I do kinda brush you off a lot.”

           “It feels like it, at least. And it really is sad, because I actually really like the idea of a documentary-style, well, documentation of the research.”

           “…You do?” she asked.

           “Yes, of course. On the condition that it’s actually informative,” he prefaced, “But it’s not every day somebody makes a documentary about you or the things you’re doing. I think that you would have a really interesting interpretation of the research, especially as an outsider to the project,” he grimaced, “I mean, not—not an outsider, per se, but just—”

           “No, it’s okay,” she stopped him, “I get it. That’s another thing, honestly. I am an outsider to it. I don’t know what you guys are talking about half the time. You said that you felt like I was glomming onto you guys and hogging Leopold’s time and attention earlier, and I kinda am. Not trying to push you out of your own lab or anything, just that, you know, you guys are researching time travel, dude. That’s freakin’ awesome! I’m too dumb to understand it myself, but I still want to be a part of it, somehow. You guys are all so freakin’ smart. I just wanted to hang out with my brother like I used to, you know?”

           “It’s none of my business what you and Leopold do. The reality is that Leslie and I have been working together well enough, and if I ever need Leopold’s help, I know where to find him. He’s never not been there for me before,” he thought aloud, “If I feeI like need his help or guidance or opinion, it’s my job to ask. Even if I start to doubt myself or my questions because I see you two talking and working together. He’s there for me, too, whether I feel like it or not.”

           “I forget that you’re not at the same level as them sometimes, actually,” she added, “You all just work together like you’re colleagues. It’s hard to remember you’re a student who has questions, too. I can back off if you want,” she resigned.

           “No, no. Don’t, really,” Jeremy assert, “I was just feeling self-conscious. That’s my problem, not yours. And I don’t know what’s going on, exactly, but it sounds like Leopold has something he’s working through and you being around has been good for him.”

           “You talk to Leslie about it?” Madison inquired.

           “A bit. She didn’t tell me any specifics. Do you know anything about it?”

           She pursed her lips and slowly shook her head.

           “I kinda get that feeling too, but he hasn’t said anything to me either.”

           “You don’t have to stop coming to the lab. It’s probably good experience for you anyway, if you decide you want to stay with the chemistry major. Or maybe it will change your mind,” he chuckled, “But what would be helpful is trying to keep the distractions to a minimum. Maybe not playing video games at our worktable, when you’ve got finals coming up,” he suggested.

           Madison groaned at herself.

           “I know, I know,” she paused and grimaced, “Is that the second part of your beef with me?”

           He sighed and nodded.

           “Oh boy. Okay, lay it on me,” she said.

           “I’m not trying to micro-manage you when I say all of this. But I see how you spend your time, Madison. You’ve outwardly admitted to procrastinating studying for your finals by playing video games. You said that you felt uncomfortable asking me for help with your homework, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. Sometimes I forget that the things I’ve known for years are things that you learned last week, and that you haven’t mastered them yet. We also agreed that I would help support you through school on the condition that you did well. At the very least, not failing your classes.”

           Madison nodded through his talk with a sheepish look on her face.

           “If you want me to keep supporting you through school, then you need to prove to me that you can handle it and are willing to put in the work. If you feel like you don’t want to do school anymore, that’s okay. I meant what I said two years ago. But you need to tell me so we can figure out what other expenses you can handle while you work a job, instead.”

           Madison vigorously shook her head.

           “Nononono,” she babbled out, “I don’t want to quit!”

           “Okay.”

           “For real, dude,” she persisted.

           “Okay, I believe you,” he assured.

           “I just—ah—I know I’ve been lagging behind a bit,” she sighed, “A lot, honestly. I just didn’t want to feel stupid, asking you for help. Sometimes the stuff you say just flies right over my head. But I guess I could have still asked my professors for help, before just giving up,” she said.

           Jeremy nodded and listened.

           “And I dunno. Not sure if I like chemistry, which just piles on a whole other mess of problems. Maybe it’s just the topic in general? I mean… that was mom’s job, right? Chemistry… stuff?”

           “Chemical engineering, yes,” he corrected.

           She scoffed.

           “Can’t even get the major right,” she mumbled to herself.

           “You don’t have to do science at all, if you don’t want to,” Jeremy said, “That’s just what I did. But you and I are very different people.”  

           She gestured a balancing scale with her hands.

           “I mean, we’re both pretty sick at Mario Kart,” she joked.

           “It’s okay to do something different, is all,” he chuckled.

           “That’s the thing, though, I like science! I think it’s crazy and awesome and, I mean, none of it makes sense, but it’s cool that it doesn’t all make sense! Makes me want to get to the bottom of it,” she said pensively.

           “Heh, yeah, well… me too! Maybe we’re not so different,” he smiled faintly, “Regardless, if you stay in science, there’s a decent chance you’ll have to do at least two years’ worth of chemistry courses.”

           “Oh god, really?” she groaned, “What if I switch to physics like you?”

           “Physics basically birthed the field of chemistry.”

           “It did?”

           “Oh yeah.”

           “What about biology?”

           “Well now that’s just chemistry with a twist to it.”

           “Oh, come on!” she pouted, “How ‘bout medicine? Any of those hospital jobs that you don’t have to be a doctor?”

           “Healthcare is further away but it’s foundation is still chemistry, physics, and biology.”

           “What, so chemistry and physics are just the two all-powerful god-sciences?”

           “Actually, that would be mathematics.”

           “Oh, lord, I don’t know what to do, anymore.”

            She clasped the sides of her face in distress and curled up into a ball. Jeremy snorted and gently pulled her out of her shell again.

            “You don’t have to know right now, Madison. You can switch to an undecided major and just work on the core classes that everyone needs. Give yourself time to think about it.”

           “Right. Yeah, totally. Time to think,” she huffed, “I want to try again next semester. Or this summer maybe if I can. I want to do better; I think I can.”

           “I’m sure you can,” he encouraged, “And I’ll be there, too. I’m still here and happy to help. I’ll try to… explain things in slower and easier to digest ways, if you ask for my help.”

           She gave him a light smile and took a deep breath. She rolled her shoulders back and forth.

           “Thanks, Jay,” she whispered, bittersweetly, “Err—sorry, you told me not to call—”

           “No problem… Maddie,” he said warmly, “Thank you, too.”

           She stuttered and awkwardly chuckled in surprise.

          “You haven’t called me that since we were little.”

           He slowly shrugged.

          “Old habits die hard, right?”

           “It’s weird hearing that after so long… I gotta say, I didn’t realize it until now, but I think ‘Madison’ really grew on me.”

          “Well, it is your name, after all,” he joked.

          “Yeah, I know, but it’s different. Makes me feel, you know, more matuuuure.”

          Jeremy raised an eyebrow and scoffed at her display.

          “I am now realizing that what I’ve just done is, perhaps… not mature.”

          “It’s a work in progress,” he snorted.

          “Yeah! I’m getting there!”

          They laughed in unison and slowly drew their discussion to a close.

          “So… are we good?” she asked with a hint of worry in her eyes.

          He nodded.

         “Yeah… we’re good.”

         “Am I still your favorite sister?”

         “By default, but yes, technically you are.”

         “That’s good enough for me!”

          Jeremy stretched his arms and back and started packing up his keyboard.

          “Wait! What are you doing right now?” she asked.

          “I don’t know yet. Maybe finish up some work? Might reach out to Leslie to tie up some loose ends from toda—”

          “No!” she interjected, “Oh boy, we really need to work on interrupting each other, it’s a real problem,” she joked to herself. “But no! Don’t do any of that!” she urged.

          Jeremy shook his head in bafflement.

         “Why not?”

         “Okay, one more point, and then our talk is over: you work way too much!”

         “Oh, please.”

         “No, really! You get to the lab early and stay late all the time, you’re constantly thinking about or talking about the lab, and I barely even see you eat or do something fun. For some reason you are home at a half-decent time tonight. Use that time to relax. No talking to Leslie, no talking to Leopold, no grading, no studying, no scientific paper ‘leisure reading’ – whatever that is, sounds fake— and no sciencey-writing either! Make yourself a real dinner and play video games so I don’t feel so bad for beating all your high scores. At least watch something on Netflix or something. If I have to ‘buckle down’ and ‘apply myself’ or whatever, then you have to live it up once in a while!”

          She gasped for breath at the end of her barrage of forceful self-care orders. Jeremy defensively held his hands in the air as if he were being arrested.

         “Okay, alright, point taken, I’ll ‘do something for myself for once’,” he mocked, “For the record, I was not going to talk to Leslie about work, okay? It was—uh, something else.”

         Jeremy stammered towards the end of his argument, realizing he’d made himself vulnerable to more interrogation.

          “Oh?” Madison’s interest was piqued, “Well, if not work, then what? I’m curious.”

           “None of your business, that’s what. Don’t worry about it.” he quickly shut her down.

           Madison raised her eyebrows at him.

          “Stop that.”

          She bounced them up and down.

          “Madison, stop.”

          She did not stop.

          “Listen, Jay, if need some advice or some backup —like a wingman, kinda— you could say that I’m the…”

         “Don’t—”

         “Ace up your sleeve,” she winked.

         “How would you be my wingman, if you’re ace?” he asked.

          “Dude, being a wingman is, like, the optimal position for asexuals! I don’t really want any part in this, but I am totally down to help the pilot—that’s you—score some brownie points with the… plane. Or the other pilot? Co-pilot? Or, no, they would become the co-pilot once you score enough brownie points. Hmmm, we got any brownies…?”

          “You’re getting lost in the metaphor.”

          “Yeah, but you get it!”

          “Sure.”

          “Look, all’s I’m sayin’ is that…ya got somethin’ going on. And if you need a little push to get that somethin’ in motion, I’m your man. You—your wingman, I mean. Not like, I am a man, just like, I’m your go-to, you know like—”

         “Yes, I get it,” he stopped her.

         “Okay, good.”

         “Great. Well, uh, thank you, Madison for that very… uncomfortable but generous offer. I will… uh, I’ll be in touch,” he said politely.

         “Hope to hear from you soon,” she winked and got up from the couch. She pulled a notebook and a pack of pencils out of the bag. The bag was still weighed down on the couch as she left it behind.

         “What are you doing?” he called after her.

          “If I want to do better, I have to prepare for it,” she said, “Figured it best to just get a new notebook for my chem class. My old one was all torn up and full of doodles. Gonna try catching up on a few chapters tonight.”

          “You know, I have extra notebooks. And pencils,” Jeremy said, “I could have just given you some, if you needed them.”

          “Yeah, I know. But it felt good to buy it myself. Reminds me that this is my stuff to deal with,” she said with an air of introspection. Jeremy smiled with respect at her initiative and nodded.

          “I’m gonna go study,” she said softly and turned into her room, “Oh, and I bought too much stuff at the store; finish off whatever is left in the bag, please! Love ya!” she yelled and slammed her bedroom door shut.

          He laughed under his breath.

         “Wild child,” he muttered.

          He stepped over to the bag on the couch and peered inside. Two pints of ice cream. One of strawberry cheesecake and one of vanilla caramel fudge. He took the latter to the freezer and opened up the former.

        “Love you too, Maddie,” he called to her room.

         He plopped himself down on the couch with the pint of ice cream and briefly was at a loss of what to do. Play games? Watch a movie? Talk to Leslie? Play piano? Too many options. Talking to Leslie sounded nice, though he felt that he’d done enough talking and thinking and feeling for one day. He picked up his phone.

 [JEREMY_LESLIE_CONVERSATION_START_20:08]

JB: Hey Leslie. Just finished talking to Madison about… many things. Overall, it went pretty well. I’m sure it’s not perfect, but it was a good talk to have. Thanks for being there to talk today. It really made a difference. Today has been very tiring, so I think I’m going to spend tonight trying to relax, since we’re not at the lab. I can tell you more about what happened tonight tomorrow, or soon, whenever we get the chance. You should take a break tonight, too. I think we both deserve it. Have a good night; see you tomorrow.

LG: Hey Jeremy! Glad to hear it all went well. Happy to help! Thanks for letting me know. Looking forward to hearing more about it, when you feel ready. You actually caught me while I was adding to our paper on the Google Drive. 😅 It is kinda late now, maybe I’ll call it a night and treat myself too! You have a good night, too. See you bright and early! 🤗

[JEREMY_LESLIE_CONVERSATION_END_20:12]

           Jeremy dropped his phone back on the couch, started up the Nintendo Switch and stretched out his legs on their coffee table. Madison wasn’t kidding when she said she’d beaten all of his high scores. And she unlocked two new characters, too. He really had been falling behind. He pressed the start button and could see himself grinning in the reflection of the TV while the screen was black as the game loaded.

Tonight, he would reclaim his rightful place as number one on the leader-board.

[canislupus11]

My Progression As A Naruto Fan Regarding Power of Characters

Me as a beginner, naive in the ways of Naruto: Naruto and Sasuke are gonna become the most powerful people in the world. Just look how powerful Sasuke already is for his age, and look at all of both of their potentials!

Me after watching more Naruto: They’re still gonna be the most powerful, just you watch. Surely more people as powerful as Haku aren’t going to keep springing up out of nowhere and beating them up. That has to have been a fluke, if he really was their age. And they’ll get better at fighting.

Me after getting to the Chuunin Exams arc: I refuse to believe Gaara is more powerful than Sasuke is at the moment, and refuse to believe he will stay more powerful than Naruto. Why the fuck did Naruto beat Kiba with a fart? He should show his progression, but then again, that was before training with Jiraiya for the final round.

Me, watching the Sasuke Retrieval arc: Wow, the Konoha 12 have grown a lot! They can beat people who can beat full-fledged Jounin! But does that make Naruto and Sasuke weaker than all of them, or does that just make them really strong? That better be it. No, you know what, that is it.

Me, watching Naruto leave for training with Jiraiya: You better grow into your potential, you annoying yet lovable little yellow Hokage brat. Otherwise you’re never going to be powerful enough to drag Sasuke back, yowling and hissing like an annoyed cat. That’s going to be hilarious if it happens.

Me, watching the first arc of Shippuden: Who THE FUCK are these other Akatsuki?! And I thought Itachi and Kisame were able to solo anyone, no matter their number unless it’s a literal army of strong people. No, all it would take would be for one these guys to catch one of them off guard in a one-on-one. It could be pretty evenly matched. Who is this blonde who just waltzed into Sunagakure, not even trying to be stealthy, blew shit up, took out Gaara, and then got huffy about the fact that it would be EASY to kill him, but hard to capture due to explosions? And who is this creepy old man who is apparently STRONGER than this fucking pyromaniac who would probably drop a bomb on Konoha if he flew by just for the lols of seeing it go up in flames and hearing people freak out?! But hey, at least Sakura’s better now, not useless, and she’s pretty strong.

Me, after watching the first arc of Shippuden: Fucking bullshit, Sakura and Chiyo should not have beat Sasori! Chiyo was way past her prime, and Sasori was a great example of the new generation surpassing the old, Sakura is not, though she’s better than before. But Sakura couldn’t hold a candle to him. They should’ve died there, realistically. And Deidara isn’t stupid, most people can dodge Kamui if they know something’s up. And you’d think someone with enough intelligence to do what he did wouldn’t be fooled by Kakashi’s Shadow Clone trick. Also WHY DOESN’T HE EVER USE ANY JUTSU BESIDES CLAY EXPLOSIONS?! WHY NOT EVEN HIS NORMAL EXPLOSION RELEASE?! Because I’m sure he could, and well-rounded fighters are both more interesting to watch and exponentially harder to beat. At least he didn’t die in some stupid plot accident for getting rid of a powerful Akatsuki so they don’t murder important characters they’re not supposed to.

Me, after seeing Orochimaru fight Naruto and tell him he’s not even in the same league as Sasuke: Orochimaru is a lot more powerful than I actually thought if he thinks this Naruto is trivial. Those Rashōshomon Gates are VERY impressive. Maybe Sasuke learned that? Also, there’s no fucking way Naruto isn’t even in Sasuke league! If that’s true, then Naruto isn’t going to get Sasuke back.

Me after seeing Sasuke reappear: What the fuck. He is powerful. What is that Chidori?! Wow, imagine if he had the Mangekyou though. Maybe, if he can temporarily incapacitate Kurama like that, he really is out of Naruto’s league right now. I hope he kills Orochimaru soon. Although I still don’t think he’d stand a chance against any Akatsuki seen so far.

Me after encountering Kakuzu and Hidan: The fuck are they?! Well, I don’t think they’re as powerful as the previous two pairs, but in the Akatsuki, weak is relative, and they’re creepy af. Hidan’s stupid though. Not relative to the other Akatsuki, just plain stupid.

Me after Hidan and Kakuzu died: BULLSHIT, Kakuzu doesn’t even have blood, that doesn’t fucking work, Hidan may be stupid, but he isn’t so stupid as to not realize he didn’t actually scratch his opponent. Plus, that strategy wouldn’t have worked anyway. They ignored Kakuzu’s abilities just so he and Hidan could die. Also, looking back on the Sasuke Retrieval arc, the fact that a bunch of Genin could beat people who could beat Jounin is a load of bullshit. It made no sense whatsoever. Bullshit.

Me after watching Tobi in action: That’s hilarious, but he’s actually quite powerful if he can do that sort of thing. They can’t hit him. Honestly, I wonder what kind of role he’ll play in the future.

Me after watching the Deidara and Sasuke fight: BULLSHIT. Deidara should have won that long ago. Tbh, it was mostly for plot that he didn’t just fly up on his dragon, rain distraction bombs down on Sasuke, then use C4 twice, because if Sasuke uses Chidori on himself twice, he’d probably die anyway. Or at least, you know, use NORMAL GODDAMN EXPLOSION RELEASE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING EX-EXPLOSION CORPS MEMBER, DEIDARA, or ANY jutsu that isn’t explosive clay or that weird hiding like a mole one. Like, Sasuke gets too close, don’t throw a mini-bomb at him, just punch him in the face and set off Explosion Release, boom his brains get blown out, that’s what he gets for carelessness. Or even consider making an earth spike that runs his head through? But of course not, because this is a plot-armour decided fight. And don’t even get me started on that final asspull. The Great Snake Escape. That was even worse than the earlier mistakes. If your going to have Sasuke survive the fight at all, it should be by running away and somehow getting Deidara to stop giving chase.

Me after watching Itachi vs Sasuke and the Pain fight: Itachi let himself be beaten, Sasuke is not strong enough to take on most Akatsuki yet. He’s on the path to becoming ultra-powerful, but he’s not even close yet. But how’s Naruto going to get there? I’m honestly a little worried, particularly given the fact that he didn’t actually beat Nagato either.

Me after seeing Konan vs Tobi: Come on Tobi, the Izanagi? Really? Konan, that paper ocean jutsu was great, but next time have three trump cards so he can use Izanagi twice and still lose, blind and defeated.

Me after seeing the Five Kage Summit fight: Honestly, Sasuke could beat any individual Kage there, but they keep kicking him between each other like a soccer ball. That really wasn’t fair. He might even be able to beat a team of two, depending on which Kage they are. But any individual Kage would get killed by Sasuke. He better be able to kill Danzo, though, even though I already know Danzo’s got a bunch of Sharingan that can use Izanagi on his arm from spoilers.

Me after watching Sasuke vs Danzo: Tobi that wasn’t close. If you see something like what came out of Danzo, the first shinobi instinct is: RUN LIKE HELL. Sasuke would not be stupid enough to just stand there. And fucking Danzo. Cheater. He stole all those Sharingan from the Uchiha HE ordered Itachi to kill, just so he could use fucking Izanagi when his opponent doesn’t even know it exists.

Me after watching Sakura vs Sasuke’s reflexes, Naruto’s desire to save Sakura vs Sasuke’s “fucking leave me alone bitch”, and Kakashi’s new “teacher instincts”(where were those BEFORE Sasuke left, huh?) vs Sasuke’s righteous anger at the Konoha elders: Fuck you Sakura, do you really think the poison is gonna work on the person with POISON IMMUNITY?! And do you actually believe you’re strong enough to do anything? Naruto, you’ve gotten stronger, but you are not dragging Sasuke back anytime soon. Kakashi, why does one use of Kamui still murder you?

Me after watching Killer B vs Taka: Honest-to-god bullshit. Killer B did need that tentacle trick unless he wanted to start ripping apart everything with bijuu bombs, but then, they take long enough to create that one or more of Taka could distract, and the remaining member(s) could attack. Still, all four of them could have beat him, especially with Kagutsuchi and Amaterasu.

Skipping forward to when the power levels really rocket off the charts, and when my perceptions really started to change

Me after seeing Edo Tensei Madara for the first time: That’s right motherfuckers, things are about to get real and I haven’t even seen him in action yet. But the moment he starts attacking...

Me after realizing he has dropped a meteor on them: Fuck he started already! How?! He’s not even breaking a sweat! Nagato wouldn’t be able to do that so easily! But then again, he is Madara Uchiha.

Me after seeing them stop the meteor: I did not expect that from them. But wait...”what are you going to do about the second one?!” Fucking...Madara is too much! He’s cool, but I’m never going to like him. I’m done sympathizing with villains, this one is too evil. Unforgivable.

Me after seeing Madara start fighting the Five Kage: It’s over. No way he’s beating all five of them. He can’t do that. They’re the FIVE KAGE. Little voice in the back of my head says, “Yeah, but now Sasuke could probably beat any two Kage teamed up, and Madara is...Madara. Hopefully after Sasuke gets his EMS, he’ll outclass Madara.”

Me after seeing Madara finish the Five Kage fight and leave, bored: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! He’s still cool, but I’ll still never like him. He’s powerful though. But eventually Sasuke and Naruto will surpass him.

Me, watching him casually play with Naruto and co for a little: He’s toying with them. Motherfucker is like a big, spiky, black cat with the most smug attitude in the whole goddamn world.

Me, immediately after seeing his backstory: He is massively powerful but...oh my god...his backstory. I don’t know who my favourite Uchiha is anymore!!! He’s one of my favourite characters! Why did this have to happen to him and Hashirama?! Also they’re literal gods, they’re not getting surpassed, especially Madara with the Rinnegan and Wood Release.

Me after seeing Madara revived in full, no eyes state: He’s got no eyes, but he acts like he can see. HOW. He’s even more badass now. I see what he meant when he said Edo Tensei wasn’t as good. Like, fuck how are they going to beat him now? Or even get him to pause long enough for Naruto to use talk-no-jutsu? Because if they don’t literally force him to stop for sixty seconds, he will turn Naruto inside out if he’s distracted by using talk-no-jutsu.

Me after seeing Madara with one Rinnegan: How do they defeat this? Asspull power ups, hmm? No individual person is defeating him, that’s for sure. I can’t believe I ever thought the Five Kage could hold a candle to him.

Me after seeing Juudara: Victory will be an asspull confirmed.

Me after seeing two-Rinnegan Rinne-Sharingan Juudara: However they beat him is a fucking no-no. They can’t realistically beat him now, if they ever could. Literally he doesn’t even need to dodge otherwise lethal attacks. But he can.

Me after seeing Kaguya appear: That’s fucking it, I am so done with this! I want Madara back! Not this...this...I actually don’t genuinely like and empathize with this villain! I want the Akatsuki and Madara back!! Where’s an anime about just the Akatsuki? And one about the founders era people? Where are they?!