#also have WAY less intrusive thoughts now and im able to walk my self away from 'evil' thoughts

[thetangibleghost]

It's kinda like before anti-psycotics I experienced my innerworld, my subconscious, the observable world, and other people innerworlds all on top of each other. They mixed together and when information was missing it was hard to tell as it was all so messy.

All those realities still exist, and they still exist all at the same time. Now, they are all the same world, instead of layered realities. Delusions no longer exist in bubbles that I get stuck in but as a part of the world that contradicts or doesn't contradict other parts.

The world is like nothing else. I'm still depressed, suicidal, and delusional. But now I can like sorta feed my self and keep my body clean. I had all the tools before to do so, but my entire life I couldn't keep up and I never knew why. I thought maybe trauma and autism, those still play a part but like literally my life is just. Exactly the same but I shower and pick up things I don't want to step on off the floor.

My self awareness too. It's always been a struggle for me to understand how I'm perceived. I'm constantly, as I think most people do, reflecting, making changes, and grieving. But now progress is more satisfying. I can make plans that have more moving parts and understand situations without that sliding reality feeling. Even if my actual follow through is the same.

I dissociate a lot still

I tend to react well to medications and antipsychotics are nothing to mess around with. But I but a lot of thought (I was lucky to be able to) into starting them and the results just. They weren't what I was expecting. Like, I expected them to work, but like. like look at this I wrote this long silly post that stays on topic and moves between subtopics. I didn't even plan that. My thoughts are just. Literally organized. And I was able to write in an organic way before my delusions got worse last year, but it still wasn't like this and I wasn't always able to.

[earthfire-75]

Kashmir

Chapter One, Part Two: Kashmir (The Trick is to Keep Breathing)

Author’s notes: co-written with @nature-and-music , beta-ed by @lady-jane-revisited

A lopsided smile tugged at his lips, “I’ll get them for you.”

“No thank you Robert, Grant gave me the money and I’ll pay for it.”

“Oh please, just one of them then?”

I shook my head, “No it’s fine. Besides, we need to head back.”

He pursed his lips and huffed, “Alright, if you say so.”

The purchase was completed and it was time to head out, however Robert was speaking to the woman behind the counter; or flirting no less. She nodded her head and wrote something down on a note by the dresses that he brought to her.

“Thank you darlin’, have a pleasant rest of your day.”

I chuckled, “Giving her the number to your hotel room?”

“Not exactly, Anjelika. Come on we better hurry, the party’s going to start soon and you still need to do your hair and makeup,” he informed.

Somewhere along the line, we lost the other three band members. Robert took me to the hotel they were staying at, figuring they would all meet up there anyway. He let me borrow his bathroom to change and do my hair and makeup.

“What kind of party is it? Formal or informal?”

“Well, I’m wearing a suit, if that helps?”

I rolled my eyes. “Ok.” I picked out the longer dress and started getting ready. I could hear Robert rummaging around in the other room and assumed he was doing the same. I just finished when Robert knocked on the door.

“I need the mirror, love. Gotta comb out my hair and beard.”

I flung the door open, grabbing the comb from the counter. “Don’t you dare take a comb to those curls! Tell me you have a pick.”

He swallowed. “Technically? I left it at home?”

I didn’t say anything else, but grabbed his hand and pulled him out to the common room and to the couch. I then sat, pulling him down next to me. It was then I noticed what suit he was wearing, and still with his beard. Fuck! He wasn’t yet wearing the jacket, but he had the vest on and the top two or three bottoms of his shirt were left undone. Now it was my turn to swallow hard as I leaned in with the comb to fix his beard. Then I started to run my fingers through his hair carefully.

“If you forget your pick again, use your fingers, not a comb or brush. You could ruin your curls otherwise.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Good. Now, we should probably get going.”

We both stood and, as Robert grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch, we left the hotel room and headed downstairs. “The party is being held in the hotel restaurant,” Robert informed me.

At first, the party seemed more like a meet and greet with the other roadies and their tour manager, who seemed unimpressed that I was “some bird” Jimmy picked up off the street. But none of the boys were having it. Robert happily reassured the crew that I was indeed more than “some bird,” that in fact I was assigned to be a part of the touring as well. To be equipped with the behind the scene matters and the roadies would simply need to learn to live with this sudden change. Being the new kid in town was never easy, and I was feeling beyond self conscious about this, however I had to keep my intrusive thoughts at bay. New learning opportunities would be coming up and it was all a matter of learning the ropes. Even if a fair amount of the crew thought of me as another to be shared among the members of the band, especially with Robert since he had locked arms with me.

The party started off fairly quiet at first as we all sat down at our tables to listen to a congratulatory speech from Grant. He had nothing but high expectations for everyone involved and that this tour would be bigger and heavier than the previous one. I felt a hand touch my lap and I followed the arm to see Robert’s concerned expression. I gave him a little smile to reassure him that I was alright. The last thing that I needed to do was interrupt Peter in the middle of his talk, and right before my first day no less.

A line was formed as everyone made their way to be serviced by the chefs. All manner of succulent cuts of meat, freshly cooked fish, bubbling champagne, and assorted hors d'oeuvres were ready to be served. Everything looked so delicious and oh so appetizing, I just simply couldn’t believe my eyes. As we stood in line, I overheard Jonesy and Jimmy mention something, although it was hard to hear amongst the chatter of Robert talking to Bonzo.

“How do you suppose they’ll feel about touring?” Jimmy asked.

Jonesy shrugged, “Well, hopefully their antics won’t take away from the show. And your guitars won’t get demolished as well.”

Jimmy scowled, “If he even thinks about touching any of my guitars, I’ll bash his head in!”

“If you do, she’ll end up giving you a black eye. You know that she has a bit of a ‘short’ temper,” the bassist chuckled. “Besides, I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Well you're the bass guitar player, none of your things will be obliterated,” Jimmy whined.

Bonzo joined in, “Not unless a certain someone decides to shove a cherry bomb in the strings.”

Jonesy smiled and rolled his eyes, “Well I suppose I’ll just need to stand close to Thunderfingers won’t I?”

Guitars being destroyed? Cherry bombs? My curiosity peaked, however I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation. At least not until I knew a little more of what or who they were referring to. We made our way to the table and enjoyed our delicious food and sparkling drinks. The champagne flowed like rain down our throats as the appetizing meals made our mouths water. A few questions were directed to me regarding how I was feeling about the new job and I answered honestly.

I smiled meekly, “Well I’m very excited about this. This is going to be something different for me for sure, but I’ll do my best.”

“You will darlin’, you will,” Robert smirked as he patted my hand. “So how long have you been playing and singing?”

“Well, for a while actually. I just picked up a few lessons from my dad and just… learned a bit on my own.”

Jimmy noted, “I did a bit of session work when I was a lad. Learned a few things myself along the way.”

Robert butted in, “Well I hope we can hear more of your singing and playing while on tour. I think you’ll sound wonderful, and the audience will love it.”

I felt myself clam up a bit at the prospect of playing before a live audience, even though it was a touching notion on Robert’s part. I didn’t think it was necessary to get myself even more involved than necessary, especially since a fair amount of the road crew weren't exactly pleased with me being here. I gave Robert a little smile and a shrug and let him know that we could put that idea on the back burner.

“I’m curious though…who were the three of you talking about earlier? You mentioned something about guitars being destroyed?” I asked. I had hoped they would have said more by now, but since they hadn’t and my curiosity was getting the better of me…I had to ask.

Jonesy laughed a little. “Interesting wording. We were talking about another band who will be touring with us. Interestingly enough, they are called The Who. They’ve got a habit of destroying their equipment. Jimmy was concerned it might spill over to ours as well.”

I know of them, of course and of that particular habit, though I had thought they had stepped doing so by this time. Then again, it's a different universe, likely also a different timeline. “I see,” I said instead. Looking at Bonzo, I got his attention. It was as good a time as any to talk to him, but I didn’t know what the other boys knew.

“Bonzo? Can we talk? Alone?”

“Uh, sure. Looks like there’s a spot at the bar surprisingly clear of people.”

We got up from the table and walked over to the bar, ordering ourselves a drink before I started the conversation, but Bonzo beat me to it.

“So…yer a Nightbane too?” He asked with such nonchalance.

“Yeah, I am. So are you. Do they know?”

“Yeah, they do. Rob found out first. He was there during my Becoming. Scared the daylights out of ‘im, but it was like he still knew it was me. Jimmy found it ‘fascinating’. Jonesy took it the worst, almost left the band when he first found out. But he came around.”

I nodded in acknowledgment and downed my drink. How did the fact that they all knew Bonzo was a Nightbane make it both a relief and up my anxiety about them finding out I was one too? Would they be able to accept the creature beneath as easily as they had with Bonzo? Granted my other form wasn’t monstrous in the traditional sense, yet, I still worried it would scare them off at best.

Bonzo smiles a little. “Don’t worry, Jonesy might freak out a little, but I really don’t think you need to worry about Rob and Jimmy at all.”

“Thanks, Bonzo.”

Someone cleared their throat behind us and we turned to see Robert. “Sorry to interrupt your conversation, but the other bands just showed up. I thought you might like to meet them, Anjelika.”

He stepped to the side and I found the members of The Who standing there, looking at me. I knew each of them by name and face, even as they introduced themselves, though I did a double take as my eyes landed on the shortest member. There, with the same blue eyes I had seen so many times before, was a very feminine looking Roger Daltrey. Now I know I’m not in my own universe…

“Rogina Daltrey,” she introduced herself to me, her blue eyes never leaving mine.

“Anjelika,” I responded back with a smile and she in return gave me a smirk.

“Bonzo!” Keith uttered, a drink in one hand as he hugged his fellow drummer, “You gained a few stones since last I saw you.”

Bonzo rolled his eyes as he chortled, holding his head in a strong arm grip. Keith complained that his champagne would fall out, but that didn’t stop Bonzo from treating him like a sibling. “Moonie, why don’t you and the lads say hello to our new friend here, yeah?”

John and Pete made their acquaintances, Keith was able to give her a little wave of his hand until Bonzo finally let him go and gave him a good slap on the back.

“You’ll have to excuse Keith, he’s a bit loonie as you can see,” Pete explained. “So what brings you here?”

“Well I’ll be going on tour with the band, and it looks like I’ll be seeing you four as well.”

Rogina interjected, “Is that right? What will you be doing?”

“A roadie, so I’ll be around helping with getting everything ready,” I mentioned.

“She might even do a bit of performing as well,” Robert mentioned proudly.

I was silent as The Who stared at me, my throat becoming dry. I tried to play off his comment as a joke, “Good one Robert. He’s just kidding-”

Rogina tilted her head as she looked at me, “Are you sure? Because if you can sing, we’d love to hear you.”

My heart was pounding, all I could give her was an unsure shrug, “Um, another time… maybe. Say why do you all go get something to eat, the food is very delicious here.”

Keith was already off to find himself a plate, with John closing in behind him. Pete kept himself occupied with discussing business matters with Jimmy and Grant. Rogina on the other hand decided to stay and talk a bit more. Everything about this Roger was pretty much the same: The height, the golden corkscrew curls, ocean blue eyes, toothy grin, muscular arms, and stylish clothing. Still it was odd speaking with her, considering the obvious factors such as a slightly higher register in her voice and the presence of breasts that protruded from her suit.

“So how did you manage to work with Zeppelin?” Rogina asked.

I tried to answer as best as I could, “Oh well… you see Jimmy let me know that a spot was available actually.” I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t tell her that Jimmy had found me like an abandoned cat in an alleyway that he felt sorry for. A little of me to say, but still I couldn’t seem to add that in.

“Is it true what Robert said about you performing? I mean you seemed awfully quiet when he brought it up.”

I sighed at the question, barely keeping myself from pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m quickly learning that Robert's a little like a puppy…very excitable. I played a little bit for them to prove that I know what I’m doing with the guitars. Something came over me and I sang a little bit too. I never agreed to playing in front of anyone else. Let alone in front of a huge audience.”

Rogina’s smile softened at that. “He really is, though I’m sorry to hear you won’t be playing. The offer is always open and I meant what I said, I'd love to hear from you. if you change your mind.”

I returned her smile and I knew I was going to love this version of Roger too. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

G made his way over with a couple other people, one looked vaguely familiar, the other I didn’t recognize. “Anjelika! I want to introduce you to Ahmet Ertegun, owner of Atlantic Records. He’s here to support the boys. And this is Alice Cooper, joining us on the American leg of the tour.”

Both men stuck a hand out for me to shake. I took Ahmet’s first who placed his other hand over mine gently. “I must thank you for joining the road crew, dear. Though, I must admit, I was shocked to hear you were a woman. Forgive me, I mean no offense, it’s just never been done before.”

I smiled at Ahmet, trying not to take offense. It may be a different universe, but apparently the ‘70’s were still the ‘70’s. Turning to Alice, I shook his hand next, barely recognizing him without the makeup.

“I don’t know if shocked is the word I would have used, but I guess I am a little surprised. Didn’t figure I’d see a female roadie for another decade at least. Don’t get me wrong, I love that women are getting more and more involved in rock. And if anyone gives you any shit, just say the word.”

My smile grew wider at Alice’s genuine words. “Thank you, I appreciate that. Though, I assure you, I can handle myself.”

“I’m certain you can, but the offer is still on the table. I would like to stay and get to know you a little more, but I need to get back to my girlfriend. It was nice meeting you, Anjelika.”

“I’m sure there will be time to get to know each other more on the road and it was nice to meet you too.”

“Fair enough. See you tomorrow, then.” And with that he was off. G and Ahmet soon excused themselves to go talk to the boys and I was left at the bar once more with Rogina next to me.

Rogina sighed, “I know this must be all new to you. Believe me that being a woman involved in rock and roll seems to weird people out, especially guys.”

I gave her a reassuring grin, “Yeah, I’m sure you probably have gone through a lot.”

Rogina took a sip of her flute, “I may have a few stories. One of them involves Keith actually.”

I leaned in, “What happened?”

“Well let’s just say he thought that he could get away with copping a feel. He lost a couple of teeth that night,” Rogina chuckled. “The bastard will never live that moment down.”

I wasn’t sure if I could share a laugh with Rogina, even though she was able to find humor in such a terrible situation. All I could muster was a nervous smile and a nod.

Rogina took another sip of her champagne, rested her head on her palm, and pondered, “So is this your first time working with Zeppelin?”

“Yes actually. And I hope that I’ll do alright while on tour,” I admitted.

“I think you will,” Rogina claimed with a warm smile. “So what would you like to drink? The champagne is alright, but I think I’ll get a whiskey instead.”

I was taken aback, “Oh well… a beer sounds good.”

Truthfully, a Nightbane could easily drink any of these mortals under the table. As to how I would do against Bonzo, a fellow Nightbane, well that would be a matter for another day. Still I was grateful knowing that Bonzo could understand, and hopefully the remainder of Zeppelin, Who, and Cooper would as well. However it was too early to let the rest of them know. In time I would say something, only when the moment felt right.

As we waited for our drinks, I felt a strange looming presence behind me. My throat went dry the moment I turned around to see John Entiwistle, the Ox himself, towering over the two of us. Rogina on the other hand casually remarked, “I thought you were supposed to be babysitting our dear boy.”

“Well quite frankly I need a break from him,” John mentioned with a deep chortle. “I think as long as nothing blows up tonight, he’ll tire himself out eventually.” He gestured to the bartender and asked for a glass of cognac.

Rogina nodded and asked him, “Where did Pete go?”

“Probably talking some poor bastard’s ear off about Lifehouse,” he laughed.

“Oh come on John, the man just wants to share his work to the world,” Rogina noted.

John leaned in towards me, “She says that, but even she gets tired of his songs about teenage angst.”

Rogina scowled at him, “I do not.”

John raised his eyebrows, “Keep telling yourself that Rog. It was Anjelika right?”

I nodded, “Yes John.”

He responded with a handshake, “Pleasure to meet you.”

“And you as well”, I responded with a return of his handshake. “I take Keith's handful?”

Rogina and John laughed. “That’s putting it mildly some days.” John admitted.

“I swear the man can’t not cause trouble in some fashion or another for even a few hours.” Rogina adds.

“I think there’s some unspoken rule that drummers are all crazy,” I chuckled.

“That explains everything, actually.” John said with a chuckle of his own. Rogina just shook her head.

I looked up to see the time on a clock on the wall. Midnight. Where had the time gone? “I should head up to get some sleep, I want to be up early to grab a few things I forgot earlier today from the drug store across the way. Besides, I’m assuming the roadies will be up earlier than the bands to pack up the buses.” Downing the last of my beer, I shook John’s hand again. “It was nice meeting you.” I set the empty bottle on the bar and left a few bills before turning to Rogina. “Thank you for the beer.”

She surprised me by pulling me into a hug instead of giving me a handshake. “Any time. And I’ll add to what Alice said earlier. Anyone gives you any trouble, let me know, I’ll kick their ass.”

“Thank you. But I really need to go.” With that I went to find G to figure out where I would sleep tonight. I found him still with the boys, though it appeared that Ahmet had left. I explained to G that I wanted to get to bed and why, but it was Robert who interjected.

“You can stay in my room for tonight,” Robert offered. “The rest of your things are still there from earlier.”

I had forgotten about that. Hesitantly I nodded in agreement, even if I was worried about what the other roadies, especially Cole, might say. “Alright, as long as this doesn’t become a habit. Just for tonight.”

I could see the disappointment behind Robert’s eyes, but he agreed. “Here, take my key, just leave the door unlocked so I can get in later.”

Nodding, I took the key and thanked him before heading upstairs to the room, getting as comfortable on the couch as I could.

@brownskinsugarplum76 @m-faithfull @jimmys-zeppelin @lady-jane-revisited @firethatgrewsolow @salixfragilis @timetraveller4 @callmethehunter @tremble-and-shake @tophats-n-lespauls @princesspagey @tangerine-page

[helloabominacion]

◃ COLLIDE  ▹

A/N:  so so so, it's quite never-wracking publishing something here because i don't have a clue how AO3 works, but I’ll have my chances here on Tumblr. As you can see with the gif, this is a toshinori yagi x exotic dancer!reader.... Yeah, i don't know what i was thinking, so please enjoy.

A/N: AAAAAALSO,   ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ as i promised, @damnit-samnit , im tagging you in this

“Where the fuck it’s my bra?”

“God, I need to smoke now!”

“Do you have any painkillers? I can’t deal with these cramps.”

It was quite fun to observe the antics of your companions through the reflection of your illuminated mirror, you had already seen this before and these moments always happened when the girls were clearly stressed out of not having enough time to take care of themselves before hitting the stage. A fond smile spread your unfinished lips, you wanted to take a few seconds to be able to snicker at them, women trotting around half naked with high heels and since the dressing rooms were a bit cramped, there are probabilities someone will bump with another person.

With a slight sigh, you returned to the task of painting your lips with this deep carmine, which made your skin stand out beautifully. It’s to be expected that anxiety and nerves ate away your stomach. Millions of times you've done your acting on stage, the confidence you felt every time the audience burst into applause, pride bubbled at the expertise you had every time you spin with the metal tube.

And no matter how many times you try to focus on those feelings, there will always be a little voice full of malice whispering at your side, that you are not good enough for this place.

But that can be easily solved.

You got up from your seat for another girl to use it since you had finished with your look for tonight. Always straps on your legs with something on top that could be see-through, like the black long skirt you had. This time you added something adorable, a pair of stockings attached to the straps because it’s a pain in the ass always rolling them up and as a final touch for the top, a black bralette with embroidered floral lace in the areas of the breasts.

At first, you thought it was too much black, but in the end, you loved it with the little shines the skirt had, besides when you were going to hit the stage there’ll be lights on you.

And you couldn’t avoid small spin you did with your ankle boot high, it's not your fault that you felt pretty. Why do most people think that being an erotic dancer will give you a bad reputation? It actually gave you a few perks.

“Venus, girl! Stop ogling your ass and come outside with us!” A woman with a bunny outfit address you.

‘Well, duty calls.’ You thought, huffing amused by the judging glare from the other female but it switched to a playful glare as she flung an arm around your shoulders, dragging to the loud madness of music and lots of alcohol.  

Yeah, being an erotic dancer might have a few cons but you were able to deal with them with a positive attitude.

                                                              ◃☆▹

‘Why me?’

It's like the sixth time he was lamenting in his mind, embarrassment giving a nice shade of red on his face while anxiety gnaws at his stomach, well, part of the organs that he still had. His fellow teachers were persistent this week, surprising him with his guard down and there were sometimes times when his response was blood coming out of his mouth. And there was no way to escape since he was cornered between them, Nemuri and Hizashi were chatting between them. Thrilled that at last, their plan had finally succeeded.  Have forced the number one hero of all Japan to have a little bit of fun. At first, it wasn’t easy to have a specific date, since the three heroes had busy schedules but at the end, they were able to find the perfect day where the three heroes had no patrols, no papers to grade or classes to prepare for their students.  

Although the patrols didn’t apply to Toshinori, with the small disadvantage that he can only sustain his other form for a short time.

Of all the places, Toshinori never thought or imagined he would be forming in a line to enter a Strip club. He’d assumed the duo would drag him to a club to “relax”, he’d even imagined that Hizashi would drag him to the dance floor or Nemuri would try to convince him to drink a bit, which he’d warned them before that he wasn’t in a position to drink.  

Cerulean hues look up to see the sign of the building, ‘CHERRY POP’ with a pink neon light that illuminated the dark streets and civilians who also formed a line, the said fruit replacing the O and anyone would figure it out the innuendo behind the sign. With just thinking about it the heat in his cheek increased. Nerves tightened his throat as he was guided by Nemuri and Hizashi, it was their turn to enter and Toshinori was already praying that this would end soon.

Don’t get him wrong, a part of him was actually happy that at least his colleagues involved him in their activities, it made him feel less old but there were some comments that gnawed his mind when Midnight invited along with an excited Mic, even the duo had thought about inviting their old friend with deep eye bags but Aizawa had rejected the invitation with a death glare.

‘You need to get out of that apartment, All might-san! It���s not healthy for you.’

‘YEAH! We get it that you are number one hero but even you deserve a break!’

He cannot take breaks! Toshinori devoted himself that he would do everything in his power to be the symbol of peace for the world. It doesn’t matter if he reaches the limit of his quirk, if he has a way to help in any kind of way, he would do it. And that has caused him so many sacrifices, his organs were hanging by a thread if he wasn’t careful with his food, he depended on pills and you better believe this tall lanky man has some self-doubt issues about himself.

Toshinori was welcomed by the soft pink and purple lights, it was large but with many people occupying the tables and dancers attending to customers, it felt a bit crowded. And immediately his eyes stuck to the ground, perplexed to the type of clothing the women were wearing but what was he expecting? This was a stripper club after all!

“All-Might san!” Midnight had to stand on her tiptoes and raise her voice a bit, due to the blasting music. “Can you get the drinks? Yamada and I’ve to find a good spot, okay?”

He appreciated his friends but Toshinori was sure they’ll be the cause of his death. Before he could protest, Nemuri walked away, chasing after a Hizashi who was being cornered by a pair of twins wearing student outfits. The bar wasn’t difficult to locate, it took most of the place with a bar that emitted a purple light. Toshinori notices it was a bit empty, some people at the end of the bar drinking or talking to one of the girls.

With hurried steps he went to the bar, avoiding physical contact with anyone or contact visual, keeping his eyes on the bar and trying not glanced at the revealing clothes from the woman. If his memory didn’t fail him, usually Hizashi would drink beer and Nemuri would like tequila and as for him? Water can be an option, or perhaps he could use the advice from Midnight.

With a polite smile, he asked the bartender for drinks and watched the dark-skinned man use his hair to take the bottles and glasses, which Toshinori noticed were actually tentacles like an octopus, pale in lilac tones. The blonde waited, crossing his arms over the bar and sighed to calm those nerves, hoping this adventure would end soon.

He’d mentioned before the bar was half empty because most of the people were busy enjoying themselves and the women were taking the drinks to the tables, what a weird services Toshinori thought but his attention was drawn to this figure sitting on top of the table bar, slouching over while drinking.

It was another dancer but they didn’t seem to participate like the other women, Toshinori crossed the idea of them being a customer by their choices of clothing. He returned his attention when the bartender returned with the drinks, Toshinori still hasn’t asked something for himself so he wondered if this place would have juice?

A rattle noise distracted him, Toshinori observed as one of the locks (tentacles?) from the man stretched out just to give the girl a small object and the blond recognized him.  The blonde man was well aware of possible drugs being taken here, and probably this place has a permit but Toshinori wasn’t interested in that, he didn’t want to be intrusive and didn’t want to cause a scene but his hero conscience shouted at him to stop them, to avoid a tragedy about someone who died due to an overdose.

Meddling when you don’t need to is the essence of a hero.

It only took him two strides to be at their side and land one of his bony hands on top of theirs, stopping them before they can open the bottle.

“Please, don’t do it.”

                                                      ◃☆▹

By "come outside with us" it actually meant: sit on the bar and observed how everyone was working, but at least you got a tip for doing a lap dance to a group of college students, you enjoyed how the shy boy was a wrecking laughter by your performance. Clearly obvious it was his first time visiting the cherry pop. You loved this kind of reactions, pride swelled your chest to see that you did a good job of bringing them joy in their night.

The drink you were holding was a combination made from Lulu, something to get you in the mood, vodka with some sprite. Simple but you already felt the heat in your body rise a little but not enough to get dizzy. Slumping your shoulders as you heaved a sigh, you already felt this night was going to be long but you soothed your impatience with the fact that you only had to wait thirty minutes to start with your act.

 The rattling noise by your ear brought your attention and without looking you took the small bottle from Lulu's slimy tentacle, you were grateful the barman kept your candy hidden, there were many times you had a little craving but you avoid the food, vomiting while performing is something you don’t wish to experience. Putting your drink away so you can have your hands free, why did you put your skittles in a medicine bottle? You always promise to bring a more suitable container but you always forget it.

With the drink affecting your temperature, it also affected your reflexes because you would’ve flinched by the intrusive hand that invaded your sight but you didn’t. You blinked twice owlishly, your eyes followed the long arm until they connected to these sunken eyes with cerulean irises.

He was tall and you didn’t want to exaggerate but you were sitting at the bar, and it was high, this man wasn’t tilting his head up to look at you, his head was slightly leaning down to look at you!

That’s how tall he is.

You knew his hair was blond despite the lack of light and was rebellious, it reminded you like the mane of a lion. And his sharp features, they were accentuated by the bangs on the sides of his face. You've met millions of people with different appearances but him? He was the first one to leave you with a gaping mouth but now you were wondering why he stopped you from eating your sweets.

Maybe he wanted too? Your eyebrows pinched with confusion by the choice of his words, what does he mean “don’t do it”?

And Toshinori noticed it, the confusion filling your features and your eyes shifted between his hands and face.

Oh right, he has to explain why he stopped you.

“Please don’t do this yourself.” Toshinori began, removing his right hand. “You think have no way to escape but there is one and I don’t think to damage your body own is the answer.”  Toshinori hoped his words would have got an effect on you, to make you reflect on your actions and he was ready for any reaction you’ll throw him. Anger or mockery were the first two he was expecting but now it was his turn to blink perplexed.

You began to laugh.

He wasn’t sure if you were laughing at him or at the situation but the way your cheeks redden, the way you were trying to muffle your giggles with the back of your hand.

It made his insides twitch.

Your laughter faded but you still had a smile on your lips, you weren’t really laughing at him but about this man's assumption, he thought you were ingesting drugs and it was cute that someone took the trouble to worry. It’s true in this club there are several drug addicts, some of your companions are. You can drink until you suffer a massive hangover the next day but to take something that can make you see flying pineapples is a big no-no.

“Oh no, no!  These are not drugs.” You assure as you opened the bottle and pop a green one in your mouth. “It’s just candy, I get hungry in the job so I’ll always keep something to bite on.”

You could see relief washing over his features and also ashamed reddening his cheeks. “Ah, I’m glad. I’m sorry for, well touching you, it wasn’t my intention to startle you like that. I just wanted to, well help you.”

“Don’t sweat it,” You munch a blue one until you had an idea. “Would you like one? It’s from the red bag.”

“Eh?”

You gave the bottle a slight shake, emphasizing your offer. You just wanted to be nice, even though you were a bit selfish when it came to candy. Toshinori stared at your outstretched hand for a few seconds until he shook his head, with a friendly smile on his sharp cheeks he answered.

“Thank you but I’m afraid I’ve to decline.”

They weren’t dirty if he was thinking about it, but you didn’t insist, understand that not everyone would accept sweets from a stranger and less than an exotic dancer. It’s clear this man has never been in a strip club and you thought he was a gentleman, the way he blushed and how he apologized because he only touched you without your permission.

You weren’t sure if this man was acting or he’s truly a gentleman.

Working in this type of business has taught you a thing or two, actually, the other dancers had to teach because in your first months working in the cherry pop you were unbearably naïve. With the corner of your eye, you noticed the drinks, who the bartender was keeping guard. You assumed he was with some friends and he had to ask for them.

Conjuring a lovely smile, you thought it would be a great idea to play with him, to kill some time. Also, you wanted to see if really is a gentleman or just someone who’s pretending to be one.

“Are you with your friends?”

Your question caught him off guard, for a moment the blond thought you were going to go after that but you didn’t. And Toshinori wished you did, apparently, he forgot how to speak with another human being.

“I-I yes, I'm with some colleagues,” Toshinori replied while looking at the spot he got separate from Midnight. “They’re supposed to get a seat well uhm, for this.”

“Mhm, that’s good to hear.” You acknowledge as you leaned forward liking how the tall man was leaning backward. “I hope you and your friends like the show, it’s about to start again.”

Toshinori tilted his head a bit as he cocked a thin eyebrow. “There’s going to be a show?”

“Uh-hu!  In this club we throw something different each week, tonight we’re going to throw some Lip sync and, and- what the heck,” Your eyebrows pinched in confusion, you had to stretch your neck to observe a dancer who was making strange gestures, and towards you. Comprehension showed in your features since that weird dancer was actually your friend Mamacita, who was still making you wild gestures and they must mean ‘honey, it’s time to go!’

“I really, really must be going, it’s time to get ready for the show.” Taking your cold drink from the bar and carefully you chug it down, you don’t want to ruin your make up.

“Right, of course, you’ve work to do.” Toshinori nodded but it sounded so awkward. “Oh, let me help you.” He extended a bony hand for you and you gladly took it, shinning a grateful smile for his help you step down from the colorful bar when your shoes touched the ground you shook the imaginary dust of your skirt but you only did it with only one hand since the other was occupied, being held by the tall man.

You didn’t know his name and you didn’t want to know, it is for sure you would never see HIM again. You huffed amused again by his attitude, apologizing to you again while he let go of you.

You wave it off with a shrugged off your shoulders.

“I’m off. I hope you enjoy the show, see you later⁓” You sashay away, swaying your hips just a bit, knowing well the adorable and awkward man was watching your behind. And Toshinori scolds himself for letting your hips create some filthy thoughts, with an annoyed huff he paid the drinks and walked away with them. It wasn’t difficult to locate a wild Yamada who chatted heartily with other dancers just like Nemuri, who was clearly seducing some dancers.

“Ah, Yagi-san! For a moment we thought you bailed on us!” Nemuri exclaimed as she scooted, patting the red cushion beside her, gesturing for the blonde to sit.

“Yeah, we’d to fight some punks for this spot!” Yamada added, taking the jar and giving a sip to the golden liquid. Toshinori’s face paled, looking between the two heroes.

“Wait, please don’t tell me you actually fight?”

Nemuri gasped after she gulped a tequila shot, faking indignation. “You offend mesir, I would never!”

“We only talked and rudely, they left after Nemuri threaten them. Nothing special.” Hisashi added. “

Toshinori sighed, they definitely going to be their death.

“Ah, c’mon Yagi-san! But guess what? These lovely ladies told us there’s going to be a show! Some type of competition?”

One of the dancers dressed as high schooler giggled at the forgetful expression of Yamada, so she explains. “That’s right, that’s right! Every girl needs to throw a little dance to the audience with their most wild movements and at the end, we see who wins!”

Hizashi and Nemuri were interesting about who was going to be in this little show and the “high schooler” cheerfully began to name them.  Mamacita, Divine, Coco, there were so many creative names the blonde wondered which one would be yours, not the real one of course because he assumed it was important for all the dancers to maintain their privacy. The excited shrieks of Yamada and Nemuri took him out of his mind, apparently, they were going to start with the show and surely they would have a good look since their table was a bit close to the stage.

“Good evening lady and gentleman!” the DJ started announcing. “I hope everyone is having a good time in our cherry pop because is about to get spicy up in here!”

The crowd broke into applause and whistles, ready to enjoy what the dancers were going to demonstrate tonight. Toshinori breathed a chuckle, amused by the exaggerated applause of the other two heroes and he was also curious about this show.

“Alright, alright! Just a little briefing for any new here: our girls have to show off their best routines and the one with the most applause is the winner!” Now without further a due let me present our first girl!

To be judged by applause? It seemed fair, although Toshinori had some doubts he kept them to himself. What if two dancers have an amazing routine? Would they tie?

“Three times champion! Our heartbreaker, and cold goddess, Venus!”

Toshinori was startled by how the crowd broke into applause, the men jumped from their chairs and whistled like wolves when the aforementioned dancer came out from the curtain and paraded on the stage, showing off her attire. He threw kisses to the several men who tried to get their attention, sending them seductive smiles that are surely false, but a girl must always keep her act real.

Toshinori blinked owlishly

It was you, your name was Venus.

Well, your professional name in this case.

“Aight, settle down boys! Don’t make me call security.” The DJ warned, you also have to remember that it’s a place full of drunken men and surely some will try to cross the line with one of the girls. “Let’s get ready to fuck shit up, Venus!”

The music coming from the speakers vibrated in his body, he didn’t recognize the song but had a sensual rhythm, which you moved your hips to the rhythm of the song.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SO CAUTIOUS

IF YOU PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

COUNTING UP THE STACKS ON THE COUNTER

A FUCKING DISEASE!

You were not singing that is a fact, there were dancers in the place who could dance and sing at the same time. Either it was talent or surely it was a quirk related. You did your own routines in your home, playing the songs you liked and dancing in front of your huge mirror. Because there were too many times there were fights between girls, discussing movements that were copied.

Everyone was delighted with the movements of your hands, arms, and legs. Men threw bills on the stage or sometimes you took a one to put on your belts.

You were lip-synching Toshinori pointed because obviously that was not your voice and in the way, you exaggerated your lips a bit with the lyrics. And that made him be on the edge of his seat, making eye contact with the crowd was crucial because it shows you were confident in what are you doing.

DON’T ASK ME TO BE RIGHTEOUS

IF YOU PRACTICE WHAT YOU TEACH

COUNTING ALL YOUR BLESSINGS

THE SECONDS YOU’RE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES

You took off your skirt, throwing it behind you, eager to swing yourself with the metal tube.

SO WHY

WHY DON’T WE GET A LITTLE HIGH, HIGH?

Not so sweaty hands wrapped the cold metal and the memory of your muscles could lift you up, swinging with the rhythm of the song. That familiar red taste almost shot out of his mouth, men and women again broke into applause to your daring skills, Toshinori covered his mouth but his cerulean irises were glued to your figure, they did not leave your figure, which still moved with sensuality with the tempo of the music.

Shit

Holy shit

[urcadelimabean]

Unpleasant emotions under the cut. Medical stuff, mental health

It still takes about 30 seconds of talking about the idea of getting back on the mats and training again before I start crying. And I cried already yesterday. I try not to think a lot about it which I know isn't healthy. It brings back everything. I wonder if people, even friends, didn't take seriously how badly this injury affected me in college because on some level it still isn't "cool" to care about things this deeply, especially not a sport. Maybe they expected me to just move on. I'm not stupid, I know there is at least a possibility of never being able to do brazilian jiu jitsu, judo or MMA again and only being able to do boxing if I could even bring myself to. But wow, people really didn't understand the earth shattering thing they were suggesting when they pointed out maybe I will never recover. It hurts to even consider it, and I have many times at this point. I didn't just love training, I was in love with it. Just completely completely in love. This isn't just bad because injuries suck and pain sucks. Of course I had found other hobbies in the years I've been rehabilitating my knee but nothing has come close to replacing actually getting on the mats and wrestling. And I still break down imagining what it would be like for this fucking injury to be over once and for all. I can't even express myself. A friend pointed out I didn't just go from being not very active to being bedridden and injured, I went from low-key having super powers and being extremely extremely way over the top active to being bedridden and injured and in pain, followed by having to relearn walking etc. Imagining being back there again, before all that when I could train freely, is just imagining all the happiness I know I'd feel and it's the weirdest and worst feeling because it's so so so happy and I'm so so so sad. "Happy" "sad" - why aren't words more helpful. I just can’t express it.

I'm going to be stretching my stupid fucking leg more and trying to see if the pain lessens. I literally can't stop trying. I feel like I have absolutely no control over not just whether or not I get better but also no control over my own desires like....it's been five years now, five!!!!! Years of my life!!!! Korra recovered from leg paralysis faster. And the idea of getting back on the mats for real still makes me want to go charging out my front door screaming bloody murder (this is a good, happy thing) with absolutely no caution.

That sport was everything in the world to me. I dont even acknowledge that very often. I was never ever ever dedicated to it I was addicted. Fun doesn't even begin to describe it and I was GOOD. And it was even more fun because I was good and because it was a challenge but I got just as much out as I put in. And I was getting better and better and better and never wanted to stop. I literally wanted to fight since I was a small child. Seriously, I wanted to be a knight or a pirate when I grew up, which is obviously hilarious in retrospect. When I started mixed martial arts it was a dream come true. It's as much a mental game as it is physical- that's why they call jiu jitsu "human chess." You're always adapting to your opponent and anticipating and strategizing. It's seriously the coolest sport in the world. And I barely think about it anymore if I can help it. I can’t even tell my cool stories of victory anymore because I can’t remember them well. I’ve forgotten what things are called and the specifics of how to do them.

Like........does it even matter why my knee has had so many problems? Was it not having actual painkillers after surgery that gave me nerve damage? Maybe the stiffness is worse because of small infections which I've heard have been the cause that made lots of other people's knee rehabilitation much worse. Would I even care if I found out now? Probably not. at all. I just dont want to be involved with this anymore. I am so deeply bored with these stupid fucking problems and I just do not care.

I didn't just go from being active to being inactive,I went from functioning so well in school to having trouble focusing and thinking clearly, having trouble sleeping, having trouble with homework, forgetting things, having intrusive thoughts, developing anxiety, having nightmares, not caring about previous interests, worsening self confidence, self harming thoughts, nightmares about suicide, huge problems seeing blood including period blood, randomly becoming rapidly afraid, hopelessness, dissociation, feeling angry all the time, having brain fog, not being able to cope with other problems as well in other parts of my life, flashbacks, financial stress, not feeling like I knew who I was, oh yeah also physical pain in many many degrees lol. How wild is it to realize I've been mentally shying away from some things so hard I thought about my scars as simply "long skin deep cuts" as opposed to what they really were post hospital: unanesthetized bone-deep stab wounds stapled closed over cut up tendon and screw and bolts. And nice of my doctors to gaslight me about it as well and push the idea that I just couldn't handle moderate pain. So nice of them to give me hydrocodone which no longer alleviated my DEBILITATING PERIOD CRAMPS so what will it do for stab wounds, I really don’t know. Also I should never have been prescribed hydrocodone for my period but how was I to know that that the time

To add insult to literal injury lolol, creepiness from men went up at about a 200% increase as soon as I was injured. This was the first time I really had to deal with men who are disgusting, obviously aside from my father.

I just look back at all these years. Of all the stupid injuries that other people have no problem recovering from, an ACL tear doing this is just actually INSANELY stupid I almost want to laugh. But that sounds like blaming myself and I'm so not going there because I know this wasn't my fault. I literally worked my ass off especially the first year (or worked my ass back on? I had so much atrophy after surgery from the swelling that my butt was asymmetrical lmao)

I just don't feel like I can work that hard anymore, I'm operating at less than half power but I'm still trying. The one positive, ha, thing I can say about having less energy to keep trying is that if there was a time for pushing myself it was at the beginning when i had to build most of the muscle back and I guess I mostly did that. I shifted to a softer approach and gentle but more frequent stretching instead of strength exercises and developing some more fine motor control I still don't have and trying to develop a more forgiving attitude towards my body. But I need to stretch even more and more frequently and focus on that over strength. I wonder if some of the pain is still related to muscle weakness but 🤷 I have a thigh muscle.

Anyway...'carry on' is what im going to do I guess. I'm just whatever word means existentially rapidly cycling from furiously angry to depressed to manically motivated to hopeless to numb and then back. I just miss it. I usually never let myself think about that. I loved it.