#also god like i don't know i'm ok i'm still stuck up on the diagnosis thing especially because sigh i do view it as membership of a group | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bigthingsforeverintheworks · 1 month ago

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socializing is so hard I'm like "yeah i finally got my depression done with forever (for real this time" and then I am in an environment with people and it's like "fuck how do I act i don't have the knowledge of the things should I be listening should I be looking I mean how do like verbal conversations work like they're clearly not oriented towards a goal in the same way emails are but they also just like don't have the same sort of "just kinda say things" that the internet has ok that's not fair I have held conversations, even if the initiation differs which is a big part of it but there is something different obviously like the expectation of latency & just basic woah you can't see them bit but also like it feels less direct. Oh and then now you have to deal with timing like 100x as often idk i think at the third time it's just time to give up. Though ok I mean I'm not incapable of verbal speech I can give answers in english class also why is my head burning and i mean i don't think my hands should be there do people care about that also i can't fathom the depravity of how i look"

#i mean like depression overriding symptoms of anxiety doesn't seem an unreasonable hypothesis #though it would imply something weird but it was a while ago #tbh it is kind of fun to mostly check out (i am still listening) and then pop in whenever weird things are being said #though like I'm pretty sure I'm an outsider somewhat?? idk #it's one of those things where nobody's going to give me a straight answer if i somehow had the courage to ask #I mean ok in theory this is one of those situations in which you're supposed to ask somebody with more expertise #but alas that person is not a teacher and even though I can convince myself on the “it takes them a lot less time to answer”#they are not paid to do it so it's not relaly enough #and i wouldn't know who to ask ghhghgghgggg #there's also one person who looks at me like. more than normal and i don't know why it feels weird they seem like they have something to sa #but presuambly if it was positive they'd have said it idkdkdk #imagine if they put me in a real social situation #one-on-one i've talked to like. one person.#also god like i don't know i'm ok i'm still stuck up on the diagnosis thing especially because sigh i do view it as membership of a group #potentially more than anything else #even though like everything idk i feel like more good will would be afforded on me if i were autistic #not that i'm like lacking in good will or uh. whatever.#the thing is i don't really believe believe that “you know :) means happy” is thing that autistic people can't do #like yes difficulty with recognizing emotions is an issue but it is just like a factoid.#granted this is what my perception of pitch was before i got corrected and told i had perfect pitch so my track record isn't great #but also that's more of a thing?#I mean like ok i do recognize that a smile is inducing happiness outside of the knowledge of its connotation #though the lack of distinction in the original question doesn't give me faith that it's important though it's i've heard a stupid test #I mean ghhhhhhhhhh it at least feels like if i were to be allistic and then spent time in autistic spaces it'd be boring #like i shouldn't be framing autism as like a superpower which i don't think it is though maybe they don't mean literal autism though that'd #be weird. Also like I mean there is a tendency to just be like “having a lot of thoughts is autism”#or the like I mean i'm probably oversimplifying and it's the questioning of structure ad such but like #idk i feel kind of stuck in the middle. what was this post about #oh yeah ok i mean like idk uhhh it should like uh. eeee give me an in although i'm not sure how because either it is a way of recontextuali #prior experinces in a way that's better or it changes nothing except the label which

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