#also for those who want to read but want to skip the emeto scene: stop reading at the sentence 'instead of rage they just felt hungry'

[raitrolling]

After Pain

[CW: Emetophobia]

[Easy reading version on Toyhou.se]

Celise had been unceremoniously ushered out of the clinic late one night, much to their confusion. They barely recalled how they ended up there in the first place, what they were being treated for, and how much time had passed. Everything was… Blurry, clouded, even their senses felt dulled and their memory hazy.

If something was wrong with them, shouldn’t Chryso have done something to fix this?

They had asked the doctor that, but they responded in an incredibly uncharacteristic way that had just made Celise even more confused: This is your life now. If you need help, speak to a mortician, not a doctor. 

They had placed a bottle of pills and a prescription into Celise’s hands, and that was that. Upon further examination, they read ‘PHENTERMINE’ and the dosage seemed to be much higher than an ordinary appetite suppressant. Almost as if it was to stop them from eating entirely. 

Celise had far too many questions on their mind, but… They were finding it difficult to work up the energy to ask them. It was as if their brain could no longer operate as quickly as it used to, and when they tried to open their mouth their tongue just felt too heavy and their jaw too slack. All that really came to mind was how hungry they felt.

They’ll try one of those pills when they get home, they think.

Few trolls were wandering the streets at this hour, and those who were paid Celise no mind. They didn’t seem to care about the cuspblood’s slow, stumbling gait, their unfocused gaze darting between any sign of movement, and the sludgy liquid drooling from their mouth as they picked up the scent of something delicious. 

The cafes and restaurants had closed at this hour, and the general store did not leave any produce outside lest it be spoiled in the rain. They were not close enough to the pier to smell the seafood freshly caught by fishermen, all that could be catching their attention was… 

They had vague memories from back at the clinic of tearing into… Something. Grey. Fatty, full of bones, but delicious. Feeling it's cold flesh between their fingers. Crunching on bones until they dissolved. Biting chunk after chunk and barely distinguishing between the harder sinewy meats and the soft organs. Licking blood off their face and teeth. Snarling and clawing at the other trolls in the room until they offered them more meals. Wishing they could have devoured something far more fresh.

But, that can’t be right. They were a vegetarian. Even the smell of meat makes them feel nauseous. 

They shook their head, looked down at the pill bottle in their hand, and continued home. Not too long until they can try one of these suppressants and hope it stops those weird thoughts.

It was a short walk to their hive given that they live closer to the centre of the town, and after a long time fumbling with their keys (for some reason they seemed to stick to their hands sometimes…), they arrived home. The air felt slightly damp and musty in a way that they normally would have been concerned that the roof had sprung a leak, but something about it this time just felt inviting. They live in a town plagued by constant heavy rainfall, why wouldn’t they enjoy a bit of moisture?

But, it also made them aware that they haven’t had a shower in who knows how many nights. Their skin felt slick and sweaty, so it was definitely needed.

As soon as they entered the bathroom, however, their reflection in the mirror stopped them in their tracks. The thoughts of showering had already left their mind as they stepped closer to the sink, entranced by their own reflection.

The most obvious change was their eyes, pupils as clouded as their vision felt at times, and scleras tinted teal with heavy bags underneath that made it appear as if they haven’t slept in weeks. They gripped the sides of the sink as they leaned in closer, nose almost touching the mirror. They didn’t have that greenish colouration in their pupils before, which matched the discolouration they could spot around their eyes and corners of their mouth. It was as if their skin had been permanently bruised in places, but the spots and splodges were still deliberately placed.

Their ears twitched in confusion, and they felt their hair brush against something, causing them to move away from the mirror in surprise. Tucking the long strands of fringe behind their ears they found - fins? A single, flat pair with the same green-teal-blue gradient as their eyes and small clusters of spots, but completely non-functional, just like they’ve seen on Vallis and Lernie. They could wiggle their ears like they always could, and while the fins were clearly attached to them, they couldn’t move them separately. They grabbed one of them and gave it a slight tug. Ow, it’s definitely a part of them. But, how?

Then Celise noticed their hands. The skin had similarly discoloured to that greenish hue, but it was darker in tone that faded into a gradient past their wrists. It again reminded them of Vallis’ hands, down to the slight webbing in between them. And… They felt sticky, like there was a thin film covering them. Something that gave them a gut feeling that, if they chose to, they could secrete more slime to allow things to stick to their hands more easily - or, perhaps they could stick to surfaces as well. 

In fact, another look in the mirror and then a quick removal of their jumper proved that the film of slime was completely covering them, not sweat like they had originally assumed. They twisted their body to try and get a glimpse of their back, and noticed the discoloration continued down their spine, forming long trails of splodges and spots that started to remind them of their lusus’ patterns. As they turned again they felt the damp air of the bathroom brush against the skin, and realised just how easily they could breathe now. Not just through their lungs (if those were still functional), but through their own skin as well. It felt nice, calming even, like… Maybe this wasn’t so bad, after all? 

… No, it was gross. It looked wrong, and they hadn’t lost their mind yet to think otherwise.

They stuck out their tongue in disgust at their own reflection, but found out that it just… Kept going. About two feet long by their general estimate, soft and slimy to touch, and after a bit of experimental moving about, fully prehensile. They let out a gurgling screech in shock, and quickly retracted it back into their mouth. It moved almost instantly and sat quite comfortably in their jaw despite the obvious change in size, to the point where it looked very normal whenever they opened their mouth. But despite its trollike appearance, their tongue resembled their lusus’ in terms of function.

There was no mistaking it now, they’ve become some sort of frog-like… Thing. Spontaneously developed all sorts of markings and mutations, just like what happened to Vallis. 

No, they knew exactly what sort of thing they'd become.

The gnawing hunger at the back of their mind, the sluggish movements, the supposed taste for troll flesh… There was no worse fate that could have been given to them.

A zombie, but not a traditional kind that they barely accept as a decent monster for a horror film. A weird zombie, one that their boss Aysnir would adore, with a weird appearance that could be mistaken for bad stage makeup, with weird abilities that would catch an audience’s attention but provide no substance to the overall plot and themes, and with a weird overall gimmick that would pit them against some other stupid zombie hybrid the director would salivate over.

They wanted to be mad, furious even, that someone could have done this to them - to murder them for no reason - but… While they could bare their teeth at their reflection and growl and croak, they just didn’t feel like they could get any angrier than that.

Instead of rage, they just felt hungry.

Celise made their way into the kitchen, forgetting that they were only half-dressed, and began to look through the fridge. They vaguely recalled someone telling them while they were at the clinic that they should try out different foods now that they’ve become… This, but their appetite was immediately ruined by the smell of expired milk permeating from a slightly-opened carton. They gagged, holding a hand to their mouth to stop their tongue from lolling out, and proceeded to pour the carton down the sink. 

But despite this nausea, their stomach rumbled again. The appetite suppressants were already long-forgotten, as there were far too many things distracting the cuspblood. 

Leaving the empty milk carton by the sink, they returned to the fridge and pulled out everything that hadn’t passed its expiry date and started to feverishly tear into them, only to be met with the same disgusted reaction.

The strawberries tasted rotten. The yoghurt’s texture was lumpy and wrong. The cheese tasted like they were shovelling mouthfuls of mold down their throat. Even the crackers they’d grabbed from the pantry had a rancid flavour to them. Everything they tried to eat was rotten and disgusting and wrong and after gagging their way through countless foods, it finally resulted in them doubling over the sink and vomiting up sludgy chunks of barely-digested food and pond scum. Their eyes stung with inky tears and their throat felt like it was burning with reflux. 

A few more long minutes of gagging and retching, and eventually they felt like it was all over. They reached over to turn on the tap and washed it all down the sink, and attempted to clean anything that got stuck to their long strands of fringe as well. They hadn’t reacted quick enough to move them away from the sink in time.

With that over, Celise slumped to the ground and lied down, comforted by the coolness of the kitchen tiles. There was no mistaking it now, was there? Their body outright rejected regular food. It was no wonder Chryso had prescribed that medication to them… Medication they should have taken in the first place. They curled up in a fetal position on the floor, bringing their knees as close to their head as they could. They wanted to cry, to mourn the loss of their old life and how nothing would be the same, but they just… Couldn’t. 

All senses dulled except for their olfactory senses, all emotions seemingly dulled as well. Gone, and replaced with this weird new body and a constant gnawing hunger. A hunger that claws and craves and whispers sweet songs into the ears that they’ll feel better once they eat more, they’ll feel stronger and clearer-headed and back to how they used to be. But they can’t, they just can’t. No matter how good it smells, how good it tastes, how good it feels in their mouth, they just can’t eat meat. It’s wrong and gross and disgusting and wrong and-

There is a knock at the door, the one closest to the kitchen that leads outdoors. 

Their nose twitches, and they smell an offering. 

Their eyes widen and they begin to salivate. A long, animalistic noise sounding something between a growl and a croak leaves their throat. They twist unnaturally and start to sit up, their tongue slithering out of their mouth to taste the stray scent of seafood and troll meat in the air. All previous thoughts start melting away, consumed by the desire to be sated. 

Like a man possessed, they leap to their feet and make a lunge for the door.