#also even if some sex repulsed people are sex negative what exactly is the threat there. they're not breaking into bedrooms

[aromantic-diaries]

This is something I'll probably never actually do but I'd love to take a plain white t-shirt and write 'I HATE SEX' on it. I'm sex repulsed, not sex negative, but it's annoying how somehow you have to justify being sex repulsed by specifying that you're not sex negative

[sableaire]

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really look up to you for considering everyone's opinion and being calm and level-headed. I feel like I don't see a lot of toxic, passive-aggressive Tumblr stuff here. It's a breath of fresh air imo. I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else's opinion, but want to remind yourself that they're entitled to it? It would really help me! Thank you.

Hello - thank you for your kind words, Anon. I try hard to try and make my blog a comfortable place for the most amount of people, and though I sometimes feel like I slip up, I’m glad that you find my blog something refreshing.

I can’t really say how it is that I avoid the toxic, Tumblr passive-aggression. Part of it may just be that I avoid it myself, so it never ends up on my dash. However, thinking on it now, I guess a lot of that is a deliberate choice as well.

Something that gives me a lot of perspective on things like this is that I’ve changed a lot as a person in just the last six years. The transition from high school to college to now near-graduation was a significant one, and I underwent a lot of personal growth.

As such, I know what it’s like to make mistakes as a teenager (or younger). I know who I was, how I thought, and I know what would have worked on me and what would not have. 

This post has gotten super-long, possibly my longest yet(?) so I’ll put it under the cut as usual. If you want to just skim the example given and go straight to tips, skip down to the bolded portion, ahaha. More under the cut:

Just a warning, but this example contains mentions of homophobia and, additionally, some highly negative or dangerously neutral opinions that I personally held in the past. I no longer retain such beliefs. I ask that you look upon this example as a story of growth, as I do. 

For example, as a young teen, I had a very firm belief (not taught, just a personal belief that came out of nowhere;;) that anything sexual was bad, and I was more morally pure for having no interest in it. Additionally, I was raised in a highly homophobic environment, and because I had no concept of romantic/sexual attraction in the first place, I had no reason to really think about the idea of why loving the same gender would be bad. I just accepted it as a fact of life, just as I accepted it as a fact of life that eventually I would fall in love and marry a man, etc.

It was to the point where I kind of just… didn’t realize gay people existed. Hell, I didn’t even know there was gay media. I was just straight-up oblivious. But that fun fact aside, my complete disconnect from the existence of gay people meant that, if the topic came up, I probably would have made some highly ignorant comments.

((Side note, I barely realized heterosexual people existed - I didn’t realize that people were having sex in my high school until I was a senior!))

At the same time, I was a highly prideful individual. I know for a fact that if someone, especially some stranger I don’t know, confronted me in anger, calling me homophobic and a terrible person for some of the things I blithely said, young-teen-me would have drawn myself up to save face. I would have gotten offended, angry, and discredited whoever it was. After all, why would I believe some internet stranger over my environment - over myself and my experiences?

If someone had attacked me for my ignorance and these beliefs born of complete ignorance, I know for a fact that I would have ended up more firmly aligning myself with those beliefs. I would have felt the need to stand my ground, partially to protect my self-esteem, partially because as someone who looked down on emotion (I could write a book on my past self;;), I would not have wanted to be associated with a group of people that were so angry. 

So, now that I am older and have moved beyond that, now that I know better, I approach these kind of issues in a way that I know my past self would have been more receptive to. I don’t get angry, and I don’t try to enforce my own ideas on other people. Instead, I offer more information. I trust the other party to be a strong thinker in their own right, and then I offer them a choice that might not have been available to them before.

As a young teen, I had no option to accept gay people, when I had no concept of their existence and the vague ‘fact’ that it was a ‘dirty’ or ‘sinful’ thing to be gay. I had no option to accept the idea that people should be able to love who they love when my belief on romantic love was that you just choose the best option available to you once you’re ready to marry (aroace, woo, fun times).

But I was a headstrong teenager, overconfident and smart enough to sound impressive, so if anyone attacked my character or intelligence over my homophobia, I would have felt the need to assert my autonomy over myself. Telling me what to think? Telling me how to behave? That would have been unconscionable. My indignation and anger would have kept me from ever trying to learn more about the topic.

If, instead, someone gave me an option - just made the topic of being gay something more normalized in my life, gave me more historic sources (either of cultures where same-sex relationships were accepted or records of the horrors the LGBTQ community suffered), and just gave me more information to reform my beliefs on my own, I would have been more likely to change my views.

Looking back now, that’s exactly what happened. The way it happened, however, is also something a lot of people might not have agreed with. What brought the concept of ‘gay people’ into my sphere of awareness was in fact a friend’s interest in BL content. My desire to support and share in her interests, along with a natural curiosity and interest in storytelling, led me to read a number of BL manga. I never got into the BL community because I didn’t experience it the same way they did - as a sex-repulsed asexual, I wasn’t reading it for sexual gratification, so I couldn’t relate to their titillation. Even so, because I never do things by halves, as a teenager, I continue reading BL as a hobby.

Some, of course, was blatant fetishization, and I am now embarrassed that I have ever read those. Actually, I’m embarrassed about this period in my life in general, for various reasons, but I’m sharing the story! Just for you, Anon! 

In any case, some was blatant fetishization, but I did also encounter some actually well-written stories with emotional stake. Now, I’m not saying this is in any way ideal, but it was these stories that exposed me to the idea of social rejection, fear of being disowned, etc. due to homophobia. 

These particular themes struck a chord with me, because even though I had just accepted the idea that I was going to marry someone and have children, etc. I also had a vague awareness that I didn’t want to. In Korean society, and with my grandmother, I did have an ingrained fear that I may be somehow rejected by my family should I ever not want to go to any of my grandmother’s blind dates for me and such. 

Sometimes in high school, when I answered that I didn’t have an interest in dating, family members would accuse me of being a lesbian in a tone of near disgust. Prior to reading the BL stories, I likely would have been offended by the accusation. After reading the BL stories and reading about situations where people got cut off for being gay, I was more hurt by the idea that if I was actually gay myself, I likely would have been rejected. It better helped me to better understand and empathize with some struggles that LGBTQ persons may go through in their lives.

This empathy led me to be more open to reading about the LGBTQ community, and it helped me to better control my surprise when I found out some of my friends were bisexual or had kissed girls, and it was a gateway to more information, with which I have shaped my current beliefs and moral code.

This is another reason that I don’t really engage in Tumblr’s moral crusades. I’m of the firm belief that people grow given the chance, and that growth is shaped by three things: information, support, and choice. In this example, my ‘information’ came from places that the more morally aggressive side of Tumblr would consider irredeemable: BL media. 

I’ve written a post or two on the topic in the past, so my followers already know that I disapprove of the fetishization often inherent in this kind of media. However, I simultaneously cannot bring myself to bring myself to just tell people, “Hey, you shouldn’t read BL,” because it would not have worked on me, personally, and also because my experience reading BL actually contributed to the who I am in present day.

Let’s create an Alternate Universe - remove this source of ‘information’ from my formative years. I had no opportunity to empathize with an example of emotional rejection. Due to living in South Korea with a limited social circle, attending a Christian school, I have limited opportunity to meet actual gay people. Instead, as I grow up, my increasingly evident disinterest in guys leads to more disgusted/concerned accusations from family members that I’m a lesbian, which I react to poorly because I am both repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship and also because I have been told all my life that being gay is something undesirable.

I eventually make a homophobic comment, because I start to associate the concept ‘lesbian’ with my personal revulsion. In response, someone calls me a terrible person, irredeemable, etc. and challenges my moral character, something AU me has a high opinion of. Insulted, I feel the need to defend my position because, psychologically, it is easier to decide that other people are wrong than admit that I am wrong.

The new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are ‘overly-emotional’ and will attack a person’s character without knowing who they are. Perhaps I receive a death threat or they tell me that people like me are better off dead. Then the new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are potentially dangerous.

As an upset teenager, in this AU, I speak to my family about this. Due to some ingrained homophobic beliefs themselves, they validate my experience. Some of them might tell me that people who support gay people are “just as bad as gays themselves.” My mother, especially, is furious about the death threat. She tells me that I’m smarter than they’ll ever be, how dare some stranger say that. Is it possible to report them to the police? I tell her, no, that’s not possible, mom, it’s the internet and also they’re probably in a different country.

This is AU me’s ‘support’. It reinforces the ‘information’ that I received, and it makes it more difficult for me to accept conflicting information in the future. Online, I may encounter other individuals who have received hate and or death threats for their homophobic beliefs, and I connect with them. We commiserate. This is more ‘support’ which makes it even harder for me to change my mind in the future.

And throughout this whole series of events, AU-me feels that she is in control of her own actions. She didn’t ‘give into’ the people trying to force her to change. She is proud of who she is, and she feels confident in her autonomy of herself. Due to basic psychology, she feels that her choice is the right one, and she instinctively seeks out biased evidence that confirms her beliefs.

Flash forward to AU age 22, I would be a completely different person to who I am today. I would not have the friends that I do. I would not be on Tumblr writing this post. My moral code and personal beliefs could be completely different.

So then, here’s a philosophical question: Does the very real possibility that I could have become an elitist, sexist homophobe make me a bad person?

There are some people who believe that people who are morally good will always end up where they are. I am not one of those people. I consider myself blessed that I met the people I did and had the experiences that I did. I am grateful that certain hardships in my life gave me time and reason to sit down and think about the kind of person that I want to be.

Due to the information that I was lucky enough to encounter and the support I was able to find, I was able to make the decision to commit to being an open-minded person. 

Of course, I recognize that my experience is unique to myself. It is very possible that someone else, in my aforementioned example, would have ended up homophobic in a different way - fetishizing gay people, applying BL fantasies to real life people, etc. - but in my case, that wasn’t so. And that’s the issue. You can’t accurately predict people’s trajectory of growth upon exposure to controversial topics and or media. However, it’s almost certainly guaranteed that anger and threats will be poorly received, and likely counter-productive. 

I believe that people are a product of their experiences. There have been a lot of kind people in my life, such as yourself Anon, who have told me that they respect my approach to situations or my philosophy on life or how I conduct myself, etc.

Ultimately, it is just that I am a product of my own unique set of experiences, and those experiences encompass both circumstances and mistakes. Upon coming to college and spending time away from my family, I really started committing to my self-betterment. I spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs and the kind of person who I want to be. I took courses in Conflict Negotiation and Social Psychology because they were important to me. 

Right now, I am still learning, and I’m still trying. I’m really, really happy that I can be someone others find helpful for their own personal growth.

With that being said:

So, Anon, your question was, “I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else’s opinion, but want to remind yourself that they’re entitled to it?“

It’s not necessarily that I believe someone is entitled to their beliefs. There are some beliefs that I find dangerous, and I do not believe any person should have them. However, before I get angry, I think about my own experience as a person with less-than-stellar beliefs, and I think about what kind of approach would have best worked with me.

In my experience, the elements that contribute to a person’s opinions on something are the following: information, support, and choice.

So, things to keep in mind:

Every person uses the information available to them and the support system attached to that information to make, what they believe to be, an informed choice. People always believe in things and behave in a manner that makes logical sense to them, and that is important to remember.

Choice is the most important element of the three. The psychology of autonomy, especially in highly individualistic societies such as the United States, is incredibly powerful. Even if someone changes their behavior because someone else tells them to, they may later on start to resent both the behavior and the person that forced them. Ultimately, if you want someone to really change, you have to let them come to a different conclusion on their own. 

So, how do you change someone’s mind? Give them information and let them know that should they desire to change, they have your support. If someone is ignorant about something, rather than condemning them for it, it is most effective to present information in a neutral manner. Give them the option to learn, and let them choose the option for themselves. And, should they want to learn more about a certain perspective, offer your availability and aid. Allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from their own mistakes. Act as a guide they can choose to follow rather than trying to push them down a certain path. This is the approach Daryl Davis took towards the KKK, to great success.

That being said, I realize that this is a best case scenario. It is incredibly time-consuming, and it is for many people emotionally taxing. This method is not for everyone, and part of the reason I stick to it is because I recognize that I am one of few people who have the patience and the temperament to carry it out, and I believe that it is a necessary method in this world. However, I recognize that it is unfair to expect people with great emotional investment in a topic to just swallow their feelings and bear with it. Sometimes, certain topics are deeply upsetting to individual people. Especially in these cases, I recognize that it is highly difficult for people to take on such a goal-oriented approach. 

I am additionally committed to my approach because I know that there are some people who will be receptive to it, but not everyone can make use of it. As such, many people I know in my life ask for me to mediate conflicts or help them figure out how to change someone’s mind. I am an ally to many causes by being this more neutral, more open-minded person. I have received criticism for this before, that there’s no point trying to change bigots’ minds or that there’s no arguing with certain people. However, as someone who acknowledges that she could have become someone completely different (someone who thought poverty was the fault of the poor, that sexual assault is fault of the victim, that being gay was an abnormality, etc.) I know for a fact that people, especially younger people, can change their minds, given the opportunity.

However, like I said, this method is time-consuming and emotionally taxing. And as much as I want to help people, I also have an obligation to myself. So, part of the reason I avoid toxicity and passive-aggression or fan/anti debates is because I’m… I’m on Tumblr for fun. For a good time. Why would I willingly throw myself into more trouble when I can avoid it? The thing is, I already know that I can’t change everyone’s mind, so it doesn’t matter if I don’t go in and engage every single person on Tumblr whose opinions I disagree with. Instead, sometimes I’ll get Anons who ask my opinion on certain topics, and I can make a long post like this one. People interested in the topic will then read and reblog it, and it will eventually reach a wider audience. The thing about my approach is, I can’t please anyone on any one side. I have people who disagree with me on both sides… but, unlike other approaches, I also have people who agree with me on both sides. In any case, I’m on Tumblr for fun, and I don’t have a responsibility to anyone but my own followers.

That is also why I try to keep my Tumblr free of discourse, for the most part. Not everyone can handle emotionally charged controversy, and not everyone can easily ignore it if it just shows up on their dash. Although I try to tag everything so people can opt in and out of content, I also want my blog to be mostly a fun and friendly place for people where they can occasionally learn things. There are enough sources of stress in the world. I hope I’m never one of them. ((On occasion I will reblog a post which involves my political beliefs, but that is because I feel that, in this case, given the current US political climate, I would feel personally uncomfortable if I didn’t make my personal alignment known.))

Also, it’s important to note: If you’re engaging in dialogue and trying to change someone’s mind on a topic without thinking about how to succeed at it, at heart, changing their mind may not be your ultimate goal. Often times, a lot of Tumblr controversy comes, not from a place of wanting positive change, but wanting emotional gratification. Sending angry messages on the internet may feel good in the moment, but it often drags you into a frustrating argument that leads nowhere. It also will not have a long-term positive effect. Having the moral high ground in a situation can feel fantastic, and I’ve been there - but again, it doesn’t actually enact positive change. It just creates a survival-of-the-fittest environment for negativity. You’ll chase away the people who have room to grow, and only the loudest, most stubborn, most arrogant people will remain. 

Further, getting angry at people’s opinions on the internet creates an environment where it’s terrifying to make mistakes. On the internet, it’s impossible to tell someone’s age and or circumstances. A lot of people on Tumblr are kids, and they may or may not be lying about their ages to seem older. Think about parenting, and how criticizing small mistakes in behavior can lead to a long-term fear of making mistakes. Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Creating a system where one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life is counter-productive to personal growth, and that’s what a lot of Tumblr controversy seems to be.

Actually, now that I’ve written all that, I just realized something I should have mentioned in the very beginning: I am not someone interested in changing the world. I’m not even interested in enacting social change. That’s far, far, far to broad a scope for me. There are some people built for such positions, and they seek to enter politics or start grassroot fundraisers, etc. I am not such a person.

Instead, I hope to become someone who can be a positive source of change for individuals. I don’t want to change the world or society, but I hope to be someone who can change one person’s worldview. An act of kindness for to a person who has lost hope. Someone who can translate languages and bridge cultures for individual people. Someone who can inspire someone to commit to their own self-development. 

To this day, I consider learning that I inspired someone to learn a new subject or pursue a new career path my greatest achievements. Few things delight me more.

I want to be a writer, and if the book that I publish can make a positive impact on just one reader, I will consider that book successful. That story would have been one worth telling.

There are some people who can make a goal to change the world and make it happen. I find that far too grand a dream for me. I lack the motivation for it, the strength of will for it, the vision for it. However, engaging with people one at a time, I can manage. So, there really is no reason for me to engage in Tumblr discourse. If someone comes to me directly, I can work with that. I can talk with someone one-on-one, and who knows, maybe I will come out the person changed. But that’s a personable scale, and it’s a level that I can comprehend.

I cannot change the world itself, but I can change the world for one person.

I don’t know if this was the answer you wanted, Anon, and I’m sorry it’s so long, ahaha. Ultimately, my advice to you is, decide what kind of person you want to be, and work towards it. This isn’t about achievements or careers, etc. - those are external things that label you. Who do you want to be? What kind of impact do you want to have on others? What kind of impression do you want to leave? And all the while, what role in life are you comfortable with on a physical, emotional, and ethical level?

After you figure that out, think about how you can become that person. The thing is, you never will, not completely, but you can improve yourself month by month and get a little closer, and every step closer to being that person is a victory. 

Most people in the world never take the time to think about it, so by taking the time to do so, Anon, you’ll already be a step ahead. 

..... I feel like after all that, I didn’t actually... answer the question very clearly. I’m sorry;; I hope you got something out of this ridiculous response, Anon;;;;

[thralls-for-alls]

1, 4, 5, and 8 for all of them!

1: What does your OC feel is important to be talented at?

🐉 Story-telling is important to Mortus.  As someone who makes up his own stories to escape the harsh conditions of his life, he would find that someone who shares that talent would probably be just as light-hearted as he is.

🥃 To earn the Thrallmother’s respect, one must have a sense of humour.  Someone who can laugh at themselves and live life to the fullest is someone she wants around her.  Her test of getting someone to hop up onto her stage to dance for her is her way of testing for this; which is why she asks just about everyone to do it.

🐅 Since he struggles with it, Rictus values someone that knows how to entertain.  There’s a certain amount of positive energy that goes into it that makes him jealous, but damn he respects it.  A small part of him believes that it will rub off on him, but he also just likes watching someone else be awesome and confident.

🎆 TZ respects anyone who knows how to actually listen.  With his past, most of his peers in the Kingdom of Mike treat him with kid gloves.  He loathes people taking pity on him because of the loss of his squad, so he tries to keep the focus on his stunts.  But that usually just highlights that his stunts usually end in injury.  He appreciates when someone picks up that he’s trying to make a new name for himself and that he wants to be known as a star.

4: How does your OC behave typically under severe stress?

🐉 It would take a lot to push him to that point, but a stressed Mortus turns hard.  Mortus is still very young so his emotions are still just as big as he is, so he ends up having a teenager-grade meltdown, Thrall-style.  He would not be in a talking mood and want to solve whatever problem that’s stressing him out.  He doesn’t sit still and he won’t listen.  He won’t be thinking straight and he won’t be watching his strength.  Eardrums might bleed from his roaring or yelling.  But, there’s tears involved as he is most likely set off by his grief and hurt rather than just anger. Long-term stress would harden him even further; he’d build a mighty wall to protect himself, he’d become less optimistic over time.

🥃 The Sinful Bat has safety protocols for when the owner’s pushed over the edge.  Vocatia’s the queen of her realm, but her realm’s under attack by Loyalists, those who hate Thrall, Thrall who think she doesn’t deserve her position, etc. The club’s paint is always fresh and the tables all seem new because she’s more than capable of wrecking the place at will.  Long-term stress would wear her down eventually.  Anger and spite can only take one so far, after all.  There’s a point that she would say “fuck it” and just walk out, abandoning everything she’s ever worked for.  Stress is a destructive process for her, but thankfully she manages herself fairly well.

🐅 He gets hissy and irrational.  Rictus is his own stress machine, so piling more on would make some of his weirder symptoms worse.  Unlike my other Thrall, he’s not liable to destroy anything around him.  He’s more likely to back away, baring his fangs, rattling his plates and waving all 16 tentacles in threat.  If given the chance to run off, he will.  He’d just find a comfortable place to just lay down and stress nap.  Dealing with that much brain fog and anxiety at once overloads his senses, so he tries to just block it out until it passes.  Long-term stress would result in a Rictus that cannot function at all.  Even simple tasks would become too frustrating.

🎆 Oh TZ… get anything he’s holding out of his hands otherwise it’s going to get eaten.  Or get anything that’s small out of his reach.  He can’t handle much as he’s already pretty stressed (Got to keep that smile and the show must go on).  His stunts become more and more dangerous as well, and the camera might even be off.  He fears being alone at this time, so he would cling to whoever wants to spend time with him.  His normally boisterous voice quiets down as well and he can grow less talkative.

5: What calms your OC down the best under severe stress?

🐉 It’s hard to calm Mortus once he’s over the edge; it means stopping him and well, who can stop a thirteen foot tall Thrall who’s being a dramatic teen?  A barrel of ice cream or a fresh-baked cake or other sweet thing with give him enough of a pause to listen to reason… or at least sit down for a while.  Be prepared for a Thrall head in your lap should you be his shoulder to cry on.

🥃 Let Vocatia tire herself out first.  Trying to stop her would only make you a target and she has a tendency to kick and gore (and punch and bite).  Once she’s stopped and/or sat down from being overwhelmed, take her up to her apartment (or another place she feels comfortable) and let her get comfortable.  Offer blankets, water and stay nearby and let her come to you.  Let her initiate physical contact because she may be repulsed if she’s not expecting it.  Reminders that she is with someone she can trust, is safe, and is doing wonders for the people she helps will help ground her.

🐅 Give him a hug and let him know that he’s okay.  Rictus needs to get grounded so offering him things to feel, smell and see will help him know what’s real and what isn’t.  Talk about anything light so he has something else to focus on. It also helps him feel wanted, which he secretly craves. He’s not exactly used to affection, but it would give him a sense of normalcy he doesn’t usually get. Rictus might cry. though.

🎆 Listen to him, or even just sit with him for a while. Let him direct the conversation or the lack thereof for a while. Let TZ feel like he’s the center of attention. Physical contact can help too, but it may push him to talk about serious and deep stuff that he’d rather keep hidden.

8: What does your OC hate and appreciate on others?

🐉 Mortus cannot abide by someone who uses double-speak or out right lies. He can’t stand unnecessary cruelty as well. These might be common in people, but they grind his gears in particular. He appreciates people who understand that protecting and respecting others is something to strive for. He also appreciates the effort in becoming a better person or at least he can respect if someone’s intentions are good. This can carry someone a long way with him.

🥃 She hates people who think they’re better than another because of their birth (highborn vs. lowborn, species, gender/sex, etc.). It’s a very Jennerit way of thinking and it’s something she outright rejects as truth. She does appreciate people that are accomodating for others. If you own a store that offers product for Thrall of all sizes, she probably adores you. Or if you run a group of people from all walks of life and treat each equally, she also probably adores you.

🐅 Rictus hates negative people. A little ironic for the sulking grump, but he deals with a lot of struggle himself so it’s hard for him to care about people complaining over mundane things. Oh Linda, your husband got you the obsidian necklace instead of the ruby you wanted? Suck it up, Linda, Rictus’ is deeaad. He appreciates anyone who would take the time to get to know him, despite him being a saltmine. He has always been made fun of for his size and now people generally believe that he’s dangerous, infectious, best off dead, etc. so someone just giving him a chance is a huge step in the right direction to getting on his good side.

🎆 TZ hates people who can’t at least respect artist’s work. Of course, this applies to him and his stunts/videos and he doesn’t demand anyone to like them (he’s just very enthusiastic), but it also applies to other’s work too. TZ will like someone less for saying another’s life work is a complete waste of time, shouldn’t exist, or has no value. He does appreciate people who are capable of thriving despite harsh circumstances. TZ tries so hard to make a new name for himself that overshadows what happened with his squad that anyone who manages to do that gets a huge plus in his book. Also, anyone who can take the time to learn how to differentiate between clones is awesome in his eyes, since he tries to stand out from the crowd.

[self-doom-blog]

Chapter 1. "Doom"

noun.  Death, destruction, or some other terrible fate.

verb.  Condemn to certain destruction or death.

First of all, I’d like to say that most of the times I will not use my own words for what I’m about write on this blog, I have a really hard time trying to express myself and since I’ve never ever written or wrote before, I’ll be using a little help from quotes, songs, books, etc… -A

It’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself sometimes. I’m a mentally ill person, I’m suicidal, although it’s been years that I haven’t tried to kill myself, but you know… I'ts always on my mind, like a “plan B” if things ever go wrong. I’m considering suicide like ‘this is normal’.

Thinking this again... I'm not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don't think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn't exactly beg for my life. In fact, I'd tell them to go for it. No, I'm not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I'd probably take it.

I don’t like being this way, it’s scary. I never choose to be this way but this is how I am. And this is my journey.

I’m 22. Self diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I bet that sound crazy. I know I’m no doctor to do so. Sometimes I feel like I have something more, sometimes I feel like having a much more deeper mental illness or maybe I have nothing at all… Who knows? In my life I have only attended to 3 different psychologists in life for behavior and mood problems. Did it help? No… I’m not saying seeking this kind of help is useless, it just didn’t work for me.

For introducing myself, I come from a very average family. Never suffered hunger, money was never a problem and I have always attended to private schools. There’s nothing wrong where I come from, I don’t blame anyone for my situation / condition. Right now I study medicine at a private university. I want to become a surgeon, a plastic surgeon to be more specific, my second option is being a psychiatrist.

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, I live alone. I like that. I’m always on my laptop, doing absolutely nothing but listening to music. I do that 24/7. It’s like a therapy for me, I like rock, I am of those persons who likes ‘classic’ known bands such as  Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, David Bowie… I have a very extended taste in music, I enjoy anything that comes from the 60′s to 90′s, from country to heavy metal. I like songs for their lyrics more than for the rhythm. I don’t like today’s music, they only sing about butts, alcohol, women, partying, drugs, cars, money… I find it disgusting, boring and sometimes even repulsive. The point is that I spend a lot of time in iTunes, I don’t do anything else, I sing, I think, I sing, I think, I sing, I think… that’s the routine. Sometimes I isolate myself like ‘how am I going to avoid everyone today’. I have a secret tho. I talk alone. Like a schizophrenic person… but I know that I talk alone, I mean, I know there’s no one there. I do not confuse what’s real and what’s not. I just talk like there’s someone there to talk to, actually is like a group of people in my house. Yeah, like talking to imaginary friends, but I repeat, I know I am talking alone. Do I have real friends? Yes. I have 5 real friends, those kind of friends that are trustworthy. I don’t have ‘’part time friends’’ or ‘’party-only friends’’ or ‘’side friends’’ or whatever, you know… those extra friends. The 5 friends that I mention are beautiful people, they have never showed me disrespect of any kind, they help me with whatever I need, they guide me when I don’t know what to do, they help me with homework and with university stuff and so much more things. I prefer being with real people more than talking with my “extended personalities” (talking alone). When I’m talking alone I create different persons along with their personalities, I like to think that are just extensions of my own personality, like the person I cannot be, or the person I would like to be; for example, some of them are shy, they can be extrovert, they can be sarcastic and rude or they can be clownish and I create an image for each. I have never tell this to any doctor or psychologist and I have never been to a psychiatrist, for fear, like they can make me take pills or stay in a mental ward for sure. I know how it works. But as long as I think I’m sane I will keep it for myself. And does my family know about this ‘’extended personalities’’? No. I think they have heard me talking alone but I don’t think they find it alarming, because some people think out loud or talk to themselves… And I have said this to them, that sometimes I talk to myself… but not in the way I really do, that consist of creating various personas.

And I walk around in a dissociated state, not remember what I've done each day thinking 'it must be Halloween soon' even though its April.

Why am I writing this? The answer is simple. Sometimes I feel like taking out all this emotions in someway and this is it. 

I think this was just a little introduction for who I think I am. As the time passes I’ll write about my past, my thoughts, my everyday life, along with memories that comes to my mind at the moments. You’ll get to know me slowly.

You don’t understand? Trying to explain mental illness to someone who's never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a blind person.

If you want to read what Borderline Personality Disorder is like, here you go. This is how I feel, is pretty accurate for me.

***Borderline personality disorder (BPD)***

Pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by impulsivity, unstable affect, inconsistent interpersonal relationships and poor self-image. Some individuals also display uncontrollable anger and depression. Symptoms include intense fears of abandonment, sensitivity to feelings of rejection, and irritability of vague or uncertain origin. They often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.

Self-harm, suicidal behavior, and substance abuse are commonly associated.

.SYMPTOMS.

-Splitting (thinking in extremes) -Chaos in relationships -Markedly disturbed sense of identity -Intense or uncontrollable emotional outbursts -Unstable interpersonal relationships and self-esteem -Concerns about abandonment -Self-damaging behavior -Distorted self-image -Impulsivity -Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage.

.EMOTIONS.

Feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.

The sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people feel emotions have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving. However, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (“anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.”), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness. They are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their very negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it which the person would normally be aware of only to cause further distress.

While people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress.

There are 4 categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition:

1.- Extreme emotions

2.- Destructiveness or self-destructiveness

3.- Feeling fragmented or lacking identity

4.- Feelings of victimization

Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: feeling betrayed, “feeling like hurting myself”, and feeling out of control.

In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability; or in other words, changeability. Although the term emotional lability suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually fluctuate more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety.

.BEHAVIOR.

Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain.

As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

.RELATIONSHIPS.

Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value.

This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them. Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy.

While strongly desiring intimacy, they tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships, and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent. BPD, like other personality disorders, is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction on the part of romantic partners, abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.

.SENSE OF SELF.

Tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause to experience feeling “empty” and “lost”.