#also don't look too close just a silly lil thang

[kaisollisto]

"Beatrice," Ava calls softly, Beatrice has trapped her in a hold, one she's felt thousands of times before. Ava can feel her underlying desperation (this time it seems to say, please, please fight back). Ava steels herself (one last time). Bea's arms are thick, corded with muscle from years of use and Ava doesn't want to linger on the truth of it. (A soldier weathered over the course of many years). The cruelty doesn't spare her, it sits with her forcing her to relive the same day over and over.

"Beatrice, I know the end." Ava tries again, It shakes Beatrice and it's gut wrenching. Ava can feel the uncertainty brewing, her grapple is no longer precise just frantic. "I have to go," Ava swallows the bitterness in her chest, (failure, failure, failure, it tells her).

"You can't," She's shaking and Ava has never seen her fight harder than now to choke back sobs. "You can't." Beatrice is grabbing her hard and Ava pivots, leading them chest to chest.

She can feel the crown of thorns bite into her hand but nothing ever hurts more than looking into Bea's eyes. They're so stupidly brown and soft and so full of hope and Ava wants to throw up. (She curses every stupid higher being above for making Beatrice watch Ava die over and over. She just hopes she's the only one who remembers.)

"It all ends the same. Please, just one last time let me have this with you." Ava forces herself to look at her, Beatrice, to take it all in one last time. She's done this a thousand times, maybe a million, but it still hurts all the same. The sight of her never grows old, (Ava doesn't want to ever get used to seeing her), she's breathtaking. It softens the goodbye in her heart.  

She can't say it but she knows Beatrice can feel it. The defeat permeating from her. It's suspended between the two and Ava is never going to see her again.

She blinks through the tears, Ava is never going to see her again. She can feel Bea's heart racing through her wrist and she's never going to see her again.

And she can't kiss her, she can't kiss her because she's never going to see her again and she couldn't stop if she did. But Ava has never been the strongest between them, she ends up on her toes gently holding her face between her hands. She can feel Bea's breath reverberate through her hands and she kisses her forehead.

A sister warrior officiated goodbye, (Shannon's last moments leak through her and Ava has never felt like herself these past thousand lives).

"I love you," She lets it slip, (the part of her that exists outside being a warrior nun,) and Ava hasn't quite learned how to stop running. She closes her eyes, unwilling to see the devastation across Beatrice's face and she falls for the last time.

-

Something's changed. Ava can feel pain a heavy thing in her chest. And it hurts, it hurts that it wasn't enough that she left the earth a heartbroken mess. She's tired and Ava doesn't want to hurt anymore.

Something crosses her vision and someone grabs her -

"I know the end, you idiot." Beatrice shakes her in disbelief, "we go back to the alps." She kisses her before Ava can say anything swallowing her bloody mouth. It's raw and needy and it makes her feel alive. She can't feel anything below her chest (but this blooms a feeling she had forgotten about, hope).

Beatrice knocks her head into Ava's, panting harshly against her face, their foreheads pressed tightly like Beatrice is sure Ava's going to disappear again.   

Ava hands weakly snake around Beatrice's and she smiles through bloody teeth and swollen lips. Her throat feels hoarse but she couldn’t be happier. 

[princessfaerygia]

Walking in the snow hearing the birds congregate and flutter. This will be a slow steady walk to gas station to get energy drinks. I almost value my spacious solitude so much I wanna go further to the store where the drinks are a dollar less expensive. Bright white and children playing, coughing and making snowballs. It's good to be back in my bfs neighborhood. I love the trees. There's trees at my parents, more trees but they are extremely right wing there. It's intimidating. I'm green party if I had to choose.

Air like cooling mint on my cheeks. Like I said this gonna be a slow trek ~ especially cus I'm wearing sneakers and not my snow boots. Alternatively might my trek be speedier with more nimble feet? Heavy boots can slow one down. I enjoy my sneakers. My bf is so vehemently against me at times telling me to fuck off or leave. But I stay,wtf. I'm not forcing myself on him, not really. Because when I begin setting up my ride home to family I always ask again to confirm, "you want me gone right?" And then suddenly he says no or "do whatever you want" ...so I stay. You know it hurts my heart but gives me purpose. I have such romance in me and earthiness I feel I need a physical partner to touch and be close with. He's got me bad.

Aww I jus saw a lil teenager he was waiting for me to pass n he smiled at me. I looked up and there he was, smiling. I was like "oh! Hello" he said he likes my hoodie lol. It's a big azz fluffy thang I got from thrift store. It's ugg brand. Maybe I'll take a pic of me all bundled up in it for y'all LMFAO. It feels cleansing and healing of my heart chakra to have Tumblr community. Especially happy cus two of my strange beautiful amazing mooties r back. Welcome!

It takes patience and dedication and drive to do what I do for bf. Yesterday he telling me I've got no drive. Boy! I do too have drive! Sometimes I see him as a stranger. Jus some goofy manic pixie dream boy/man. Goofier tho than a dream...

Okie dokie just got out the gas station. You know what funny is my bf tried telling me they all don't like me. Yet jus now two the women was super duper nice to me and both said "you can do better than him" to me.

I giggling. Why giggle you ask? Well cuz I jus saw a slipper with a yellow smiley face and I'm also quite cocky inside and am like (on the inside): ladies and gentlemen i CAN do better. It's so weird I'm in this situation but my God our God have you witnessed trump in the past 8 years? I mean how silly and entropic can things get? It's devastating really. Here I am hopping through snow sludge~nimble, ever so nimble in my light grey new balance sneakers. I'm proud of em. Got em in September I think but they already got a hole in them. I refuse to buy any other type of shoe for the entirety of my existence.

Ok so I want to complain but it's too personal and wood surely anger my bf. Yay! I get to truly really call him my boyfriend with the utmost certainty now. I hope. It lightens my heart it really does. I can't believe I told Tumblr bout all my messy drama. Admittedly there's more but I done gossiping about such overwhelming negativity.

My friend on here whose a very talented artist told me she thinks I'm important in the way Im creative such as me writing this online diary ~may~ comfort or help other females feel better bout themselves or something. Cool.

I'm wearing grey leopard print leggings. Plain white shirt w a hole in it. Sports bra underneath. OffWhite big fuzzy sweater from target, on top of that ~White hoodie ,huge, from Walmart...on top of that a humongous ugg brand bluish fluffy pullover with four scarves and a knit purple and blue hat. Yay fashion diva here my people*~*Almost back to apt.

Bird tweets. Creek rippling waters soothe spirits and quench our soul. I often get confused am I supposed to say souls or soul? Love y'all ❄️