#also clarifying that I do not mind this ending up in the syscourse tags. I didn't forget

[t4lon]

I'm very conflicted.

We were recently diagnosed with DID, but this was not a new discovery for us. We have been operating under the partial assumption that we have the disorder for exactly a decade this year.

I say partial because it genuinely never stuck. The nature of our trauma and resulting anxiety prevented us from seeking any sort of mental health treatment, in any capacity, which as you can imagine, precludes any hope of diagnosis. So, from the age of 14 onward, we existed in this strange in-between state, where we gained and lost insight at different times. We lack self confidence, and though we supported the right of others to self diagnose, we (particularly Moira and myself) believed it would be silly to think any of our research could possibly be adequate. DID is a heavy diagnosis, and it's very hard to feel justified in claiming the label.

We tried many different methods to be okay with existing as more than one; and this is why the existence of endogenic systems was NECESSARY for our mental health. As someone who absolutely could not get diagnosed due to abject fear, and whose low self esteem and lack of expertise prevented them from trusting their own judgment, the idea that there are people who just allow themselves to exist without needing professional validation seemed like the only way forward for us.

Ultimately, I still think it is. I would not be this far along in my personal journey without the existence of the wider plural community, and though the rest of our system does not share my personal anti-psychiatry sentiments, it has been extremely important for them as well.

But it hasn't worked yet, and this feels a little bit like a failure on our part.

We finally hit a breaking point fairly recently, and found a therapist who then quite promptly diagnosed us. Since then, it's been night and day. Alters are more active, we switch more frequently, we are capable of leaving the house on short notice (and at all!). Our social anxiety has largely vanished, at least for the time being. It's like waking up after ten straight years of a depressive haze dominated by our repressive persecutor-host, and she is finally getting the rest she needed.

But really, after all that? The journey to self discovery, the repeated attempts to convince ourselves that we CAN just choose to be this way, that we can just act the way we naturally wish that we could... the only thing that could break through the wall was still to validate it through the framework we were trying to escape.

We tried so, so hard to truly believe that it would be okay for us to just be, but it just... didn't work. We still needed a therapist to tell us it was okay, that we really are the way we think we are, and that it is healthy to embrace. And it didn't matter how many peers also told us this; we needed a professional. We just did not believe anyone else, even though we desperately wanted to AND deeply respected their journeys and experiences.

This isn't really meant to be a Sad Post or anything, I mostly just think we have a lot more work to do. We were deeply damaged by things like fakedisordercringe AND many anti-endogenic sentiments in online system communities, and it is not nearly as easy to shake the self hatred and doubt as I'd hoped.

I do, to some extent, resent the fact that we ultimately felt that we needed someone to give us permission to exist. But. Well. We do certainly feel like we are allowed to exist, now. Perhaps even a bit vindicated.

Strange.

[roycekeaner]

ummm very needed intro post revamp. please please please read !!! sections in order : 'who runs this blog ?', 'what do i do ?', 'about asks', 'misc boundaries', 'sys information !', 'blog resources !'

this post might be updated / changed, please check back in once in a while !

check out my cool as fuck mutuals ->

my lame ass interests ->

stances ->

fictive related boundaries ( if you interact with my mbav posts, read these ) ->

also be warned this blog is cursed and likes to duplicate reblogs you might make from it lol

you probably know us as @/kody_rulez on tiktok…

who runs this blog ?

my name is royce, but you can also call me rory / ror / ro or just keaner !

he / hymn / it / that pronouns, masc and object terms !

i'm a rory keaner fictive from my babysitter's a vampire ( played by cameron kennedy ) with a heavy connection to the fictokin community because i was one before splitting. i'm very source connected ! any kind of 'reality checking' will get you blocked.

i'm also the host and i get frontstuck a lot !!!

i'm bodily a minor and an age slider - if that makes you uncomfy, block me. my birthday is october 29th !!!

i'm generally very friendly but i have rapid mood swings and am very opinionated. i'm also semi verbal !!! i may not always want to talk. i call everyone baby i promise i'm not flirting with you </3

single and looking !!!

i switch between i / me / my / myself and we / us / our / ourselves depending on the context !!!

what do i do ?

i'm an editor, writer, and chronic shitposter. i post a lot of mbav photo dumps both here and on pinterest ( @/K0DYYYYY ), and primarily post edits on tiktok ( previously @/kody_rulez, now moved to @/royce X3 )

i make all kinds of things !!! edits, gifs, blinkies, userboxes, icons, wallpapers, flags, etc !

if you repost any of my video edits, they must include my username and a link to the original post. you can use my gifs, blinkies, userboxes, icons, images, wallpapers, etc without credit, but it is appreciated !

i also have a sfw agere side blog ( @royce-ruffs ) i ended up deleting the pinterest acc because people suck

matching with my tumblr wife @cr4shqueen ( tagging you in more than one main post omg )

p.s. if you want to avoid seeing posts about heavy topics, you can block the '#exotrauma' tag.

about asks

i love getting questions about my source and will happily answer any asks about it as long as they don't cross a boundary !!!

feel free to ask about headcanons as well ! please note that i won't talk about certain ships.

i also enjoy giving out advice !!! feel free to send in asks about things and i'll try my best to help out.

anons are more than welcome and will be tagged as '#anons are like insects' and '#🪲'. these can be replaced by a special tag if you use a sign off !

i don't read fanfiction, but if you write something you want me to see / inspired by something i've said or made / etc., feel free to show me ! i'll try my best to read what i'm sent.

please remember that there is no guarantee an ask will be answered.

misc boundaries

go read my boundaries post. do it.

i don't really have a dni, just important rules / info. i also block freely !

i don't mind nsfw accounts as long as your interactions with me are purely sfw. nsfw jokes / innuendos are fine from mutuals within my age range, but if you make jokes about me being a bottom or some shit like that i'm going to block you.

i avoid syscourse ( anyone who doesn't surround themselves with it can interact ) and fandom discourse like the plague.

don't drag me into ask chains or reblog bait.

i don't care if you're tcc but don't shove it in my face and keep it out of my blog !!!

sys information !

we're still very new to syshood, but we had been questioning it for a really long time and have done research. current sys name is the marrow collective !!!

we currently have a very low headcount as far as we're aware.

we forget to clarify who is fronting a lot of the time and don't mind being asked !!!

we don't really like being referred to with plural they / them pronouns, and would prefer object terms / pronouns. ( ex. what instead of who, that or it instead of them ) we are also primarily male / male aligned !

i got @maesmonstrousexistence to help with most of this post… he's one of our main fronters !!! go give him some attention…

our simply plural is given out to close friends / mutuals.

we have diagnosed capgras syndrome, ocd, ptsd, autism, adhd, and suspected bpd. symptoms may seem better / worse in different alters. i display really bad ocd symptoms !!!

occasionally other alters make short posts on this blog with their names in the tags. ( - maez, - rusty, - nugget )

blog resources !

tag guide - still being updated !!! currently updating all of the fictokin tags to fictive tags.

where to watch mbav for free