#also apparently the reason I feel more shitty during the summer months is bc I don't store my meds right who woulda thought

[rerae]

How do people have the energy to do anything fr. I'm constantly tired on a normal day and this heat isn't helping at all

[c-elestia]

Hello~ it me.

I'm not using my main personal blog because I don't really want to be identified nor do I want anyone I know finding this. I'm gonna namedrop people but I doubt anyone will find this and if they do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Eric and I broke up last summer. I'm dating a wonderful guy now. But we've been struggling a lot because I'm unwillingly uprooting a ton of trauma and I am having a REALLY hard time sorting through it and making sense of it all. I feel terrible about how I react to certain situations. They aren't logical reactions and I'm finding it very hard to control them. So I'm going to try to take the time to go through my life & see where the connections are and hopefully make sense of all of it. 

If I could pinpoint the start of any sort of trauma, it would be with my dad. It's complicated because he's grown a lot and he's not nearly as bad, but it was a struggle for me to deal with him. The things I remember most when I was a child was when he would be mad at me and refuse to talk to me. I remember there was one night where I gave him attitude and he got mad at me. My friend encouraged me to apologize, which I went out and did. I went to give him a hug, and he pushed me away and told me to go away. 

There were many times where my dad would get mad at me and I felt like I was a bad child, so I never left my room. I wouldn't even go downstairs to eat. I would intentionally starve myself because I didn't want to face my parents. I would go days without eating. It was strange because this was all self inflicted - my parents didn't tell me to do this. Something in me wanted to punish myself because I did something wrong. I see myself doing this a lot now that I'm an adult. If I feel like I did something wrong, I jump to withholding something from myself to make up for it. I also remember when my mom got mad at me, I went in my closet & scratched my arms. It was the first time I remember attempting self harm. Again, this wasn't encouraged by my parents - it was completely self inflicted. I don't know why I had these extreme reactions to these things, but that's where I remember this all starting.

Growing up, I was very deprived from affection and validation from my parents, so I searched for it in relationships. My first 'real' relationship was in middle school, when I was 12. I dated a boy named Brian. I legit thought we were gonna get married lol. I can't remember our relationship that well cause I was a kid, but I remember him being really controlling. He wouldn't let me do certain things. I can't remember what or why, but that's all I really remember. He wasn't that bad, honestly. But I felt really restricted when I was with him sometimes.

After that, I started dating Joseph. I think that's when I had more trauma come up in my life. We only dated a few months, but he was obsessed with me. He told me we would get married and we'd be together forever, and I ate that shit up because no one had ever told me that before. I remember he would take me behind the school and try to make out with me and touch me. There were a lot of times where I didn't want to do this, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how to. I remember him telling me not to leave him and that I was his while he was doing this. It was... really disturbing when I think back to it. We ended up breaking up after we had a fight & he didn't want to get back with me afterwards. I was only a kid, but that summer vacation was pretty much one of the worst. 

The whole experience was traumatic. I truly believed he wouldn't leave because he was the first guy who said he wouldn't, and then he left. I would have flashbacks of us behind the school and have panic attacks. I actually think that's the first time I remember experiencing panic attacks. It was bad...

It took me a while to get over him. Honestly, I don't think I did fully until recently. Anyway - after that, I started dating this guy named Kyle. I met him online and we were an LDR relationship. We dated for about a year and a half I think? He was fine, the only thing that was stressful was that when I wanted to break up with him, he threatened to hurt or kill himself if I left. That was hard, but I was able to leave him without any traumatic repercussions. 

I started dating Isaac after that. We dated for about three years. He was pretty much there while I was going through the worst of my mental health. This was when the psychosis, multiple personalities, anger/depression/anxiety was at it’s worst. He tried his best but we fell out. He was ok. He had anger issues which didn’t help. We had a lot of fights that included a lot of yelling and crying and him punching his wall, breaking things, all that ~fun~ stuff. He never put a hand on me but he would take out his anger on objects and that scared me a lot. The only trauma I really got from him was getting scared whenever someone raised their voice at me or they were angry at me. 

After that, I started dating Skyler. We weren’t together for that long, but he went to boot camp & and we weren’t sure if we would stay together after he joined the military. After he graduated from boot camp, he ignored me for a couple weeks and then broke up with me. I was at the height of my stress for multiple reasons, and that was the tipping point. I tried to kill myself after he broke up with me. Ended up in the hospital for a week during Christmas ~all that fun stuff~

I got involved with Joseph again. I was an idiot and believed his lies again. He said he wanted to make me happy and regretted how he treated me while he was younger. He just wanted one more chance to make me happy and be together for real, now that we were older. And I ATE that shit up, like before. 

We had sex a few times and apparently he lost feelings a few months while we were talking. lol. cool. 

It took me a long time for me to get over him, a huge roller coaster of him using me for his own benefit and believing he became a better person, only to realize he was the same shitty scumbag. Because of Joseph I am TERRIFIED of getting used or getting played by someone I love.

Also.... Brian from my Year Up cohort - we weren’t dating and I wasn’t attracted to him, but he pretty much bullied me while we were friends & then sexually assaulted me at a party, and then blocked me & continued to hang out with our mutual friends, and refused to give me any closure. That doesn’t need any explanation why that was traumatic. 

FINALLY... we reach Eric. He was the most abusive, yet it was not as noticeable as the others. We were together the longest. Ended up getting married. He was also there while I went through a lot of mental health struggles. I was still dealing with multiple personalities and anger/anxiety/depression. I was not the best partner to him, I will admit that. It took me a really long time to improve myself. but he wasn’t perfect, either. He cheated on me and did things that he knew would make me uncomfortable multiple times. 

He would say he wanted to be there for me, but would get mad at me if I reached out for support and accused me for being the reason he didn’t have free time. He would refuse to acknowledge what I did for him and refused to let me help him, and felt like he was doing most of the work in the relationship. EVERY TIME I approached him with something, he would get defensive and refuse to come up with a solution or somehow turn it on me. I literally do not remember a single instance where we communicated in a healthy way because he was so hard to work with.

Whenever we had a bad argument (if I felt like he did something that upset me) it would somehow turn into me comforting him because he would tell me how worthless and shitty he was and how I should leave him. Typing that out right now really sucks because I realize I have a habit of doing that now, and maybe it helps to know that this is where it may have come from.

He would say everything was his fault yet at the same time, he had this way of making me feel like everything was my fault... even at the end of our relationship he basically said us breaking up was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help but listen to him because that’s all I’ve been used to for years. I can’t help but feel guilty for literally everything I do. 

Wow... that was a lot. I have a lot of history of trauma, and I don’t think I even captured everything, but this is most of it. I’m gonna add a TL;DR just so I can organize my thoughts.

Trauma list of fun:

Parents: Did not give me a lot of validation/affection/encouragement, probably contributed to my low self esteem & craving affection from other parties. Would punish myself as a child whenever I felt like I did something bad (not eating/scratching myself.) Dad ignored me a lot and refused to talk to me when I did something that made him angry. Probably why getting ignored makes me anxious.

Joseph: lol this boy fucked me up BIG TIME. Was the first guy that told me we’d be ~together 5ever~ (was a total lie.) Major lovebombing. Did things to me without my full consent. Because of that, I started having panic attacks and flashbacks of traumatic experiences for the first time. After we grew up, used me for sex or when he was lonely and would lovebomb me when I started to get distant so I would get pulled back in. 

Isaac: Was ok. He had anger issues so I get anxious or scared whenever someone gets violent or raises their voice at me. 

Skyler: Ignored me for weeks without an answer whether or not we were still together. Ended up breaking up with me. Also probably why me getting ignored makes me anxious bc I’m always assuming it’s something bad

Brian: ...sexual assault

Eric: Also fucked me up big time :^) Gaslit me constantly, made me feel crazy, made me question everything, made me feel like everything was my fault and he was doing all the work, did things behind my back. I adored this guy and thought he was great, only for him to abuse me in the background in subtle ways. He left me without saying goodbye which made my abandonment issues SO MUCH WORSE. 

List of common triggers, maybe?: 

-Getting ignored

-Language that feels like I am being blamed

-People raising their voice at me 

-People being violent near me

-Any sense that someone is going to abandon me

This is a good start so far. I’ve sorted out a lot and can see a few patterns. I’ll need to think about what people can do to help me and how I can help myself. 

[lameflorenzi]

KLANCE fic recs

i’ve been reading a lot of fanfics and i wanted to recommend some sO HERE WE GO i’m not gonna put dirty laundry, call me beep me etc bc everyone knows them so here are a few who in my humble opinion deserve more love. bolded ones are absolute favourites. 

Blind Stars of Fortune by AmbitiousSkychild 

It’s always two steps forward, three steps back when it comes to Keith, but Lance is determined to make something work.

twin sized mattress by breadpoetsociety

“I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient,” Lance sang, smile now no longer gracing his face. His eyes instead bore an intensity, a question on the tip of his tongue but never asked. “I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient.” Keith could almost feel the lyrics forming on his tongue even though he’d never heard this song before. He knew the feeling and Lance could put it into words for him. They did make a good team. (Lance makes music. Keith is trying.)

Would You Like Fries With That? by deerstalkerdeathfrisbee

“Hello, welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?” And that’s about when it all comes crashing down on him, and like a tidal wave of terrible, Lance realizes, on an emotional level, how truly awful his day was. For no good reason at all other than here’s a human voice – steeped in apathy perhaps, but not overtly antagonistic – and literally all he wants is a little human comfort… he starts sobbing in the Burger King drive-thru.

Keith is a junior in high school just trying to get through working the midnight shift at Burger King when Lance staggers into his life. The course of true love is a freaking disaster.

mi corazón de cenicero by lemoninagin

At the Garrison, they’re nothing more than two apparent strangers, two classmates in different fields with different goals in mind. Two people with different social circles and interests, two people just trying to get by in life.

But during the night, the town belongs to them. 

blaming space by venpast

‘They were forced into the shadow of space once more, the light of the stars left unblinking in Keith’s dark eyes, as he pompously glared down at Lance over his shoulder. “What the fuck is your problem? You’re an obnoxious pain in the ass and I’ve been putting up with it for the sake of both Shiro and decent common courtesy, but you’re setting every edge of my 'silken patience’ on fire, Lance—and frankly?” he was acrid, “I’m done.”

Lance took a moment to recover from the initial hostility of the approach, his widened eyes falling into a narrow slant—challenging and equally livid. He did not sit up, instead looked back with a high chin, “do me a favor and chug down a gallon of bleach, because the feeling is more than mutual.”’

(in which lance is sick of space and keith is sick of fighting and both of them are more lonely than either cares to realize - because, by some unspoken rule, you shouldn’t kiss people you hate.)

Watching me by BlueRoboKitty

Keith deals with the fact that one of his classmates can’t seem to take his eyes off him.

And then something snaps.

Keith’s Type by AmbitiousSkychild

“How would anyone notice what anyone else’s type is in the middle of all this?!” Matt demanded, laughing. “What’s Keith’s type?” Lance blurted out like an idiot. “It’s… obvious,” Pidge said. “He gets all flustered over shitty puns and most physical comedy. And have you seen the way he stares at Hunk when he’s going on about the mechanics of something? Like how the lions work? I’ve literally seen him blushing when Hunk goes into explanation mode.” “So, you think he has a crush on Hunk?” Lance squawked. “No. You bonehead,” Pidge laughed. “I’m saying any dad-joke-telling, klutzoid with good grades has probably got a pretty good shot at Keith.”

Or: It figures that after years of getting it hilariously wrong face-to-face, Lance finally gets good at talking to Keith through a screen, which is, like, one of his biggest accomplishments. Then, Pidge makes the comment that Keith has a type, while heavily implying that it’s Matt. But, listen, with everything going on with Voltron, the coalition, the Blade of Marmora, and Coran, Lance isn’t going to get distracted worrying about it. Ask anyone, he’s always been great with measuring levels of importance….“ - (honestly read everything by this author, because they are so talented and deserves more love.)

it’s quite bizarre, and will remain this way by mayerwien

FROM THE DESK OF ALLURA ALTEA Director The Rex Alfor Memorial Space Museum

Dear Mr. Coran,

I am writing to entrust to you the care and supervision of the young man who will be working with our custodial team starting this coming Tuesday. The young man’s name, as I’m sure you already know, is Keith.

As you also have been made aware, the incident that occurred two weeks ago was his first criminal offense, and thus I have elected not to press charges against him, in the hope that a little community service and a few kind words will go a long way.

Please see to it that our new volunteer gets a basic but thorough introduction as to what it is we do here at RAMSM. Unless any more untoward situations arise, there is no need to report to me further. I trust your good judgment, as I always have.

(Additionally, I would like to commend you for successfully managing to keep this story out of the press. Your service to the museum over the years has gone above and beyond your job description. We will have to talk about this very soon. When are you free for coffee?)

something just like this by klancekorner

Keith reluctantly becomes the counselor for the Red Cabin at Camp Voltron, a summer camp in the middle of buttfuck nowhere that his older brother Shiro has worked at for years. Already unhappy with the current position that he is in, Keith prepares himself for a boring, sweaty, miserable summer; and his frustration only grows when he meets the counselor for the Blue Cabin- an insufferable asshole with a horrible sense of humor, a devilish smirk, an inexplicable animosity towards the Red Cabin, and a smile that literally looks like the sun.

Needless to say Keith is really, really unprepared for the next three months.

Like Devo by surveycorpsjean

As rival jammers, they’re rough, skating around the rink, giving bruises, bloody noses, broken ribs and snapped fingers-

But when the cops show up, Keith grabs his hand and yanks Lance into the storm drain.

And thats how they start dating.

LDR by seven league boots (memphis)

Lance and Keith navigate the difficulties of a long-distance relationship. Kolivan ends up learning what makes them tick.

[maidenofiron157]

THIS IS REALLY LATE BUT you’re getting a full bender explanation lmao

technically yes, in the sense that they’re the ones closest to him and were the ones to befriend him first, but this isn’t a ‘takes place in the avatar world’ au, its a ‘takes place in regular canon, but there’s bending and avatars’ au, so everything is pretty much the same except, y’know. bending and avatars. everyone still has magic too! bending is a genetic thing unique to magic folk. ‘all benders are wizards, but not all wizards are benders’. except its usually seen as a status thing anyway, bc wizards are shitty and extra like that. its often used in tandem w blood purity against muggleborns, bc muggleborns, being muggle-born, tend to, y’know, not carry the bending gene. in fact, the last muggleborn to be a bender in the British Isles died in 1947, so uh. kind of a steep climb.

Harry, and the rest of the blood Potters, are all firebenders, bc they descended from Godric Gryffindor, who was a firebender. (Slytherin was a waterbender, Ravenclaw an airbender, and Hufflepuff an Earthebnder, just fyi.) the Weasleys are all firebenders for this reason, too. James was considered one of the best in recent memory on the British Isles, after his father; Lily, being muggleborn, was a nonbender, so Harry had solely James’ genes to pick up on

unlike accidental magic, its much harder to accidentally bend, since it usually needs specific katas or forms to develop fully, but he did figure out pretty quickly that he could light up the stove if it was being fritz-y by snapping his fingers in the right spot, and that (after a lot of trial and error) he could hold a small ball of flame to read in his cupboard at night. (you would think he would be terrified about sprouting flames from his hands at seven years old, and you’re 100% right, but he figured out pretty quickly that he could control it (unlike accidental magic), and, hey, what the Dursleys don’t know won’t hurt them. or him.) he learns what bending is when Hagrid takes him to Diagon Alley, after meeting Ollivander, who spouted off about his mother’s charms and potions expertise and his father transfiguration and firebending expertise. they wound up going back to Flourish & Blott’s to pick up a few books about it

Ron, Ginny, and alllll the other Weasleys are firebenders; Molly is an earthbender, from the Prewitt line. none of her children picked up the gene (but some of her granchildren didddd, most notably Albus Severus, who was the closest to his grandmother out of his (firebending) siblings as a result)

Hermione was an anomaly. the first muggleborn bender in over fifty years, and what was she? a waterbender, which is basically considered the purest bending form since almost unanimously purebloods are waterbenders, after Salazar Slytherin. the only exceptions are the non-Slytherin purebloods, obviously, except for the Blacks, who are earthbenders. since they can trace their lineage back to Slytherin himself, no one bad-talks them about it. the Malfoys (except Narcissa, who was a Black), the Parkinsons, the Zabinis, and - notably - the Gaunts: alllll waterbenders

including Tom Riddle, Lord Voldemort, who taught himself to and became a master bloodbender; who, when he heard the prophecy, went after the one who would be the most trouble for him in the future - the avatar, Harry Potter. the last avatar was a Central American individual who had spent her long life dealing with problems in her region of the world and didn’t have time for bullshit going on in the UK, so he hadn’t had to worry about it before, but now? well.

Harry winds up finding out he’s the avatar the same day he finds out he’s ‘the boy who lived’. people really just couldn’t shut the fuck up about it. I mean, he just found out he’s a wizard, and the best he can firebend is the occasional fire ball, so, as it is, when he gets Hogwarts, people are pretty fucking disappointed at this child who was raised by muggles somehow not knowing anything, wow, what a concept, but its gets sorted out by, duh-duh-duh-duhhhh, McGonagall, who comes up w a training regimen for him (instead of Dumbledore, an airbender, who kind of just goes with the flow and she really didn’t want him mucking up his bending practice). McGonagall, a firebender, plans for him to practice firebending, his primary discipline, first for a full year; then airbending, courtesy of Flitwick, for two (since, according to her, airbending is half airbending, and half meditating, and you need two years for it); then waterbending, courtesy of Snape (who, at the time, Harry didn’t hate as much, but hooo boy does he hate now) for another two, since it was the opposite of firebending and needed more practice; then, finally, earthbending, courtesy of Sprout, for his sixth year, since it should be easier for him to pick it up by then; his last year should be focused on NEWTs and on the avatar state

it, uh, doesn’t completely go that way? his first three years go smoothly enough, with him completely mastering firebending under McGonagall’s strict tutelage and Ron and the Twins’ more fun and playful tutelage, and him also completely mastering airbending under Flitwick’s. (he can admit that the meditation absolutely helps. he even went into the avatar state once! apparently Flitwick had a lovely conversation with the avatar preceeding him, so that’s neat.) throughout this Hermione is simultaneously learning how to waterbend from Professor Sinestra, the astronomy teacher, and teaching Harry everything she’s being taught “just in case, lord knows we get in enough bullshit as it is”, which Harry can’t really argue with to be fair and he certainly doesn’t mind bc he wants absolutely fuck-all to do with Snape when the time comes, can’t he go to Sinestra too? no, bc Snape is the best waterbender in the castle and as the avatar he deserves the best tutor, even if he fucking hates you

the schedule gets turned on its head when the Triwizard Tournament comes to town and his name gets spit out of the cup. he manages to convince McGonagall to switch Snape’s lessons with Sprout, claiming he thinks earthbending and being able to throw giant rocks at things would be better than a little water, and McGonagall agrees purely because she knows he and Snape are at each other’s throats already and she doesn’t want him anymore stressed that year. (he slaps himself when he finds out what the second task is, but he doesn’t regret his decision). his waterbending lessons start in earnest in fifth year, concurrent with Occlumency, both courtesy of Snape, after scraping by the end-of-the-year earthbending practical by the skin of his teeth (though Sirius teaches him a few more stealth, sneaky moves and things Sprout would never teach him, stuff he learned during the war and as an auror, during the summer)

he meditates a lot that summer and that year, and enters the avatar state more than once due to the turmoil his emotions are in, but Ron and Hermione can bring him out of it quicker than anyone else if he winds up, ah, doing any damage. (they can also put out any flames that sprout up, but airbending is a little harder to contain, especially indoors, but they do their best.) everything goes the same that year mostly - Umbridge, the DA, Mr. Weasley getting attacked, the Department of Mysteries...

I like to believe that Sirius being a master earthbender means he manages to save himself before he falls in the veil, but if he doesn’t? if he’s gone?

Ron and Hermione couldn’t bring him out of the avatar state that time, if they were even available to do so. he nearly kills Bellatrix, nearly kills Voldemort himself - nearly kills Dumbledore, he’s just so furious and out of it, and the only thing that brings him down is Voldemort escaping, free and clear. he’s so furious, so hurt, so - so -

he doesn’t bend for a while, after that. he does when he has his lessons (w Sprout and Snape, concurrent in sixth year), but its like something has locked up, that if he thinks about it too much instead of just going through the motions he can barely form a spark or a tiny breeze

this lasts most of the year, until they go to the cave, until Dumblebore poisons himself, until he comes back to the castle under seige, until he sees Dumbledore thrown off the astronomy tower by fucking Snape - and he loses track of time again, waking up in the hospital wing after apparently having gone into the avatar state, again, and apparently having run the Death Eaters out on fear of death, ...again (Bellatrix, a firebender (from non-Black blood), was the only one to have tried to fight back, since she’d seen him in it before, and had gotten the worst of it as a result, which, uh, fucking good.)

turns out depression locks up his bending, while complete and utter rage unlocks it, so during he, Ron, and Hermione’s months on foot he wasn’t held back. if anything, he was stronger.

the final battle, as I imagine it, goes roughly the same. Harry can’t just call on the avatar state whenever he wants, it takes either hours of meditation or intense emotion, and he’s been riding a high of anger for months, so that’s not going to work. deaths of loved ones don’t really work either, because he’s become almost numb to it, during the battle, watching friends, classmates, fall like flies. when he goes to die, and comes back, something, something about getting the horcrux out of him, something about the conversation, something, eases the pressure, the strain, to the point where he feels like he can - and he does. being carried back by Hagrid, seeing everyone fight for him, it comes to a head, and the final duel is barely a duel, because Voldemort’s bloodbending doesn’t work when he’s in the avatar state, and the lake is so far away, and... he dies. they use their wands, yes, but he dies. Harry wins. he loses. they win. they win.

(you could, of course, imagine an incredible final battle where Harry manages to go into the avatar state waaaay earlier and he and Voldemort duke it out above the lake Ozai v Aang style, which is what I like to imagine personally. there’s so much about this au that could be different - Sirius saving himself being one of them. I like to imagine that, in fifth year, with the DA, Harry recruits Ginny, Luna (an airbender), and Neville (an earthbender, who everyone thought was a nonbender before fourth year), and Draco (Zuko-style, who joined up bc there was no way in hell he was getting the dark mark and he’d die before he did), and they all go on the camping trip for horcruxes, but that’s not really feasible with all the good Ginny and Luna and Neville did at Hogwarts that year, but its nice to think of an ensemble piece like the show, and also of everyone helping Harry hone up his bending, and Draco teaching Harry and Hermione Malfoy family bending secrets to help them out, and Draco and Hermione fucking it up dual-waterbending in the final battle holy shit I love that image. but y’know. that’s just me lmao.)

ANYWAY THE LIST:

Harry: firebender (avatar)

Ron: firebender

Hermione: waterbender

Ginny: firebender

Luna: airbender

Neville: earthbender

Draco: waterbender

McGonagall: firebender

Flitwick: airbender

Snape: waterbender

Sprout: earthbender

Dumbledore: airbender

Voldemort: waterbender (bloodbender)

James: firebender

Lily: nonbender

Sirius: earthbender

Remus: nonbender

Pettigrew: nonbender

The Weasleys (save Molly): firebenders

Molly: earthbender

Bellatrix: firebender

etc etc ;)