#also a rainy morning again so I am in the mood to ramble oops :')

[firewoodfigs]

(long post, but I’m gonna try and make journalling a thing in 2021 😆)

The first day of the new year was nice. :) I woke up to the sounds of rain crashing against my windowsills - a strangely chilly morning in this tropical country where it’s summer all year round. For a moment it felt like I was back in Canada again, all cloudy grey skies and whimsical rain - the perfect weather for introspection. 

I started my day with a pot of hot green tea, then settled down by my reading lamp to finish a book that I’ve been putting off for far too long - Steinbeck’s East of Eden. I only had about forty pages left, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I hate when books end because it feels like that little world I’ve created and compartmentalised in my head has likewise ceased, but the good thing about books is that you can always re-read them and immerse yourself in the same fantasy. (Maybe even a different one, if the same words lend themselves to a different interpretation!) But it truly was an absolute masterpiece: such a stunning, intricate exploration of humanity that tugged at my heartstrings and led me into still waters of reflection. I know that I will definitely carry this tale in my heart for a long, long time to come. 

Afterwards, I had some instant ramen while watching The Queen’s Gambit. I’m not a big fan of watching shows usually because I often feel like they move too slowly or tend to miss details from the book, but this one is pretty exceptional. Like, the acting and the artistic direction are incredible - the constant juxtaposition between Beth’s traumatic past and her glorified present, and the exploration of the fallibility of genius were executed so brilliantly. Another thing that really stood out to me were the scenes where she’d hole herself in the toilet and rebuke herself aloud for weaknesses in her play and/or being weak, in general. I cannot begin to explain how many times I’ve done that to myself in law school for even the most trivial of infractions, the most minor of errors - Lord knows I’m my harshest critic. 

I promised to try, however, to be a little bit kinder to myself in 2021. My perfectionism tends to be a bar to goodness and growth because sometimes I get so afraid that my subconscious keeps demanding that my first draft has to be perfect. But it really doesn’t. That’s what editing is for. And writing, like any other talents and passions, requires nurturing and constant practice. I saw a quote yesterday about how we cannot just sit around and magically expect to be Faulkners overnight, and that is so true. I definitely need to find a sweet spot where I’m not berating myself to the point of giving up, but still demand growth so that I can keep bettering myself. 

In the evening I headed out to a friend’s for tacos, which were an absolute delight in itself. And then my bf and I got to walk his dog, who I am convinced is the most precious thing in the entire universe - maybe even more so than my bf himself (I kid... or maybe not) - and who is just such a gentle-natured darling. It began to drizzle, so she led us home and we spent the rest of the night playing Sherlock and Among Us with the rest. :) It was a very peaceful evening. For a moment I’d forgotten all about the fact that I start work next Monday and was simply content to bask in the Christmas lights, the heavy downpour and the anomalous chill that came along with it. Just... living in the present, enjoying the moment. 

Now that’s definitely something else on my to-do list for 2020 as well. So often the beauty of the present tends to be marred by my worries and anxieties of the future, but I always remind myself of this quote from Scripture: “Which one of you, by worrying, can add another day to his life?” And when I look back at my life and all the times I’ve worried and fretted and cried, feeling like there was no way for us to extricate ourselves from this rut, this perennial cycle of debt and other things that have plagued me from birth, I am also reminded of God’s grace and providence that has brought me through so, so much. It would’ve been impossible to have done all of this by myself; I frankly might not have had the will to continue living if not for those things. 

Talking about my lived experiences also ties in to the last part of my day - where I thought about how exclusive and inaccessible the poetry scene here feels. You would think otherwise, in a country of no more than 5-6 million folks, but no. I was ranting about this a little to my boyfriend: how it feels like a lot of the spaces within are reserved for the elites of society with silver spoons in their mouths and golden plates on their tables offering them anything they wanted while I was struggling to put food on the table at fourteen. Sometimes I also lament the fact that I didn’t have my parents to tell me bedtime stories, to encourage me to read and cultivate my vocabulary. Perhaps it’s jealousy, or inferiority, or a mix of both. 

But my boyfriend, ever wise and supportive, offered me a different perspective. He made a fair point about how I still fell in love with books and writing regardless, and how literature is oftentimes only a harbour that the privileged visit because the marginalised, the poor are too busy working for basic necessities to even think about such things. To the ordinary blue-collar layperson, poetry is just frankly a frivolous sentiment that won’t turn itself into gold. I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s one of the reasons why I always felt like I didn’t have time to write, and one of the reasons why my first job was at a library (so I could read as much as I wanted! For free!). Then he said, “But see, no one wants to read about the rich waxing poetic about how lovely and grand their sunny little island is. But people will want to read about your perspective - your poems of the brokenhearted clinging on desperately to their inner child, your poems about the poor working to make ends’ meet, your poems about your tangible struggles - all of those will resonate with the masses, for sure.” And I was like, well, that’s fair. But I certainly don’t express myself as eloquently as these people do. Next to them I’m like an uncultured swine who can’t even tell the difference between all the different forks splayed on the table. 

His response was that people need to understand these things before appreciating them, and sometimes simplicity works best - a lesson that’s been drilled into us from the very inception of law school. And I was like, okay, fair, but deep down my heart was exploding with the sheer warmth of having someone so incredibly supportive of everything I do, even if it’s worthless in society’s eyes. I remember one night when I was telling him about how, as a twelve-year-old, I had a dream to one day study Literature at Yale. I would hole myself up in the library after school, feverishly flipping through books to expand my imaginations and horizons, my mental dictionary of words, dreaming about the day where I could escape all of this and dwell in nothing but imaginative worlds one day. Where reality failed me, I knew that I could always count on my imagination to transport me to somewhere safe and special, filled with joy and sorrow and tragedy and hope. 

I ended up studying law. Not a bad thing, because as stressful as it was I really did enjoy the things I’ve learnt - international and constitutional law, especially - and it has certainly given me new, mature perspectives on so many things; taught me to argue with reason and objectivity instead of just emotion and passion and has led me to meet so many wonderful (also trashy, but I’m out of this hellhole) people. I just don’t like the fact that 80-hour work weeks are the norm and that there’s always so much to... read. If you gave me a piece of fiction I could happily indulge in it for hours, but sometimes judgments can be so ridiculously mundane to read, especially if they’re just itemising every single case on illegality from the 19th century. Lord knows I need at least two cups of coffee for that. Black, to be specific. 

Anyway, I digress (as I always do lmao). My bf ended up researching all night until he stumbled across this Literature programme at Harvard - which frankly sounds amazing, but also unattainable. Which was what I said. And he was like, “Do I think it’s impossible? No. I think you have a very compelling life story, and you’re full of amazing stories within you to tell. And if you want to do it, I will support you wholeheartedly.” 

Again, as is usually the case, I had nothing left to offer apart from muted sobs under my blanket. It still sounds absurd to me - unthinkable, even - but I am just so, so grateful to have someone like him support me through everything. Literally everything. This is the man who has spent hours tutoring me in the subjects that I was hopeless in in first year, because I was too busy tutoring random folks in economics and geography and catching up on sleep (in class, no less), who has patiently helped me prepare for every single mooting competition and watched every single one of them, who has seen me cry and admonish myself for being a failure (only to spend hours trying to convince me otherwise), who has celebrated every single one of my victories and losses - you deserve a treat, anyway! Let’s go eat something nice and put it behind us, for now! This is the same man who has so much passion for what he does, who is so darn good at it without even realising that he is (I wept when he won a mooting competition this year because I was so proud of and happy for him), and who inspires confidence and compassion in me every day. 

I am grateful to share all our triumphs and tribulations together, and I look forward to starting a new chapter in life with you. :) 

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 131, November 2018

On Monday night, I attended a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Tonight was a last class before Aaron heads off on his trip to Bali for 3 weeks to do an intensive training course. It was a 30 degree hot humid day outside but I really didn’t want to miss this class as I’ve been putting off my yoga practice again recently. It was unusually packed in the studio but being Aaron’s last class a few weeks, I should have suspected that. Thank goodness that the air-con and ceiling fans were turned up or else I would have been sweating heaps.

Aaron guided up through a series of yin style poses including caterpillar, toe squat, straitjacket pose and leg extensions with strap. I found these all to be particularly challenging with my pain and discomfort threshold being tested as well as my annoying anxious mind on rapid fire (Am I doing this right? Oh shit, my strap’s twisted. God this hurts so much! My legs look like a mangled mess). But I did my best to not get caught up in those thoughts and just focus on breathing and releasing. https://www.yinyoga.com/ys2_2.0_asanas_toe_squat.php

I also tend to get myself emotional during Yin classes mostly because there’s a microscopic focus on me and that can be quite confronting at times. Loving yourself is one of the most difficult things to do but also one of the most important things. Hence why I often find it so hard. It helps to connect with positive affirmations like “I deserve to be here practicing yoga. I am worthy. I do belong in this yoga community. I am not alone. I am accepted and welcome.” http://www.annieauyoga.com/library/2018/6/13/your-emotional-self-care-guide-in-yin-yoga

Saying goodbye to Aaron is still something I find painfully awkward to do. And it’s not just him either. It’s the internal pressure of knowing exactly what to say and when to hit the exit. But I made it short, sweet and simple. “Have fun in Bali.” Was there anything more to say? Not really. I’m not the type to ramble on about what’s going on in my life because that’s not how I roll. Still it was nice to see him showing that he cares and I’m excited for his trip away though I can’t pretend that I won’t be missing him. Namaste. https://www.aaronpetty.com/

On Thursday morning, I went down to Centrelink Cranbourne office to apply for the Disability Support Pension. This has been a long term goal for me this year and it’s taken me a few months to be prepared for it. There were quite a few obstacles in my way and several people who advised against applying for it but I stuck to my guns, making sure that I filled out all the forms correctly and gathered enough medical evidence, pay slips, bank statements, and letters to even bother trying for it. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility/how-we-assess-your-disability-or-condition

When it comes to the Centrelink system, I feel like there are harsh, unfair and unrealistic expectations placed on individuals who actually need their services and benefits. You have to jump through so many different hoops and meet often ridiculous eligibility criteria just to even be considered hence why I wasn’t exactly in a rush to get this done right away. Still I have legitimate diagnoses of depression, anxiety and high functioning autism so it’s not like cheating the system or doing it to get on A Current Affair. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility

So, in a way, I am doing this to prove the naysayers wrong and make big decisions on my own. But more importantly, I need the DSP in order to supplement my income which I continue to struggle with week to week. Of course people could argue that I should just get another job or increase my hours at my current job but sadly it’s just not that simple and it’s not like I haven’t tried those avenues either. It won’t be an easy road but I’m prepared to tackle and push through any bumps I need to get through. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/claiming/claiming-form

Walking into the Centrelink office, I was already feeling quite nervous. No amount of green decor was going to settle my nerves. This was a pretty big deal for me, months of preparation and I didn’t want to fuck it up. I decided to bring my Mum along just in case I did crumble to dust. The best way to deal with this level of anxiety is to throw humour at it and what better way than to think about Centrelink memes. I waited around 30-40 minutes or so and then my name was called up.

A lady named Emma served me, who was physically disabled herself and appeared to have dwarfism. Thankfully she was really nice and just asked me for all the required forms and supporting documentation for the claim. I don’t think I could have been more organised, though she was giving the photocopier a good workout with all the paper she had to make copies of. I asked her “How long do you expect it will take to get a decision?” She said 6-8 weeks which I expected but now that it’s done, I feel a huge sense of relief now.

On Thursday afternoon, I booked my first appointment to see an Occupational Therapist from Everyday Independence in about two weeks time. Last week at the Disability Expo, I only had a vague concept of what an Occupational Therapist actually does and still don’t really know for sure. But I figured I would give them a shot and considering I have NDIS funding, I don’t have much to lose over it. I mostly want to focus on improving my self confidence, social skills, making friends and at some point, living independently. Hopefully the OT can help me achieve some or all of those goals. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/occupational-therapy/

On Thursday night, I had my final Sleep Intervention Workshop held at La Trobe University Psychology Clinic in Bundoora. Prior to arriving, I received my actiwatch in the mail via express post which I’ll have to wear again for another week. This will basically be comparing the results from the first period and see if there’s been any improvement with my sleep. I engaged in my usual Maccas run though time wasn’t playing nice today. I literally had to scoff my food and coffee down (That’s NOT being mindful...oops!).

Tonight’s session was run by Eric and Alexa with Associate Professor Amanda “Mandy” Richdale joining in. Alexa guided us through a short mindfulness exercise which involved using the five senses: touch, smell, hearing, taste and sight, using a raisin. Next, they attempted to tie all the concepts and techniques that we’ve learned together as well as discuss the importance of having values to focus on. Basically trying to work on living a fulfilling life can in turn help to improve your sleep. Some of my important values include: accepting myself, loving others, creativity, imagination, embracing the moment and seeing possibilities.

We also did some short term goal setting which is perfect considering we are getting close to the end of 2018. I wrote down: catching up with friends and family, going out for dinner or drinks, losing weight and improving my fitness levels, going for regular walks, attending art exhibitions and galleries, producing artwork again and getting back into study. It was a good exercise as I usually don’t do it often enough as my mind gets caught up in other commitments and responsibilities. https://www.latrobe.edu.au/otarc

The last part of the session involved creating a plan for the next 6 weeks to make sure that we’re prepared when insomnia comes back. It breaks everything down into sizable chunks week by week and details many of the techniques that we’ve learned about during these workshops such as mindfulness and defusion of thoughts, feelings and emotions, building a new sleep routine and practicing acceptance. Eric then gave us each a $25 gift card for our participation in the study. https://aspergersvic.org.au/Research-Requests

Reflecting back on the last few weeks, it’s good to know that this is the first research study I have fully committed myself to. I didn’t let the physical distance, lack of motivation, low mood and energy levels stop me from finishing it off because I do believe that improving my sleep is something worthwhile to invest time into. It’s been a problem for me for at least 2 or 3 years now and that’s significant as it affects my daily functioning and ability to enjoy life. So hopefully it’ll have some long lasting benefits for me. https://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/why.aspx

On Friday morning, I started doing my Christmas shopping at Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre and Westfield Fountain Gate! Trust me to forget that it happened to be BLACK FRIDAY today so of course getting a parking spot was painful as hell. Also it’s this time of the year when my anxiety levels tend to increase more readily especially when it comes to impatient shoppers and drivers. The rainy weather outside certainly wasn’t helping matters either. It didn’t take long before I was getting stalked in the carpark.  

IT’S THE MOST STRESSFUL (WONDERFUL) TIME OF THE YEAR! I briefly met up with Mum and my hairdresser Katrina, dropping into shops like Kmart, Target, Dusk and some $2 variety stores before I knew that I was ready to collapse with my shopping bags. I’m also learning that it’s okay to break things up, that I don’t necessarily have to do all my Christmas shopping in one hit. I put limits on myself for how much I’m able to handle and it’s a good thing because the last thing I want to do is burn myself out before Christmas Day.

On Friday night, I went to my HIIT Boxing class with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. Boxing is both physically and mentally challenging. It takes a lot of effort, focus, concentration and practice to learn all the movements, techniques and combos. I’m fortunate that this group of clients is endlessly patient with me because I do worry that I’ll drop the ball at times. Anxiety is an unwelcome heckler trying hard to get me to give up and I’m able to shove it further and further into the background now.

Even though these small group training sessions are tough, it always feels good to finish them. My fitness level is irrelevant. To me, it’s more about what I can do rather than keeping up with the others. It’s a shift that’s taken me months to learn and remember. As a few people have told me, your only competition is yourself. Push ups are still one of the hardest exercises for me and yet I was smashing them out tonight at my own pace. It can only get better and easier over time.

On Saturday morning, I voted for Gary Maas - Labor for NWS at Strathaird Primary School. Generally speaking, I usually vote for the Australian Labor Party as most of my values align with their policies. Workers rights, public transport, infrastructure, education, mental health issues and autism are the big issues for me this State Election and Gary Maas ticks all of those boxes. https://www.viclabor.com.au/mp/maas-gary/

I’ve noticed that the Liberal candidate, Susan Serey, has had her face plastered on signs and flyers all around the Narre Warren South area. I guess their logic is that using dominant visual exposure will help secure more votes but to me, this screams of desperation. I haven’t seen her put many proposals forward for this election so I’m far from convinced that I should be voting for her. https://vic.liberal.org.au/SusanSerey

When it comes to Matthew Guy, he seems like a typical Liberal politician. All talk and all business. Coming off like a shady used car salesman with his “plan” to get Victoria back in control. Just like Scott Morrison, he’s just not very likable to me. https://www.matthewguy.com.au/

Daniel Andrews has done a lot of hard work for this state especially in the areas of workers rights, public transport and infrastructure. He has begun work on the Melbourne Metro and West Gate tunnels, removed many level-crossings on various train lines and upgraded several train stations, invested in free TAFE courses, building more schools and TAFE campuses, recruited more police officers, increased employment rate and job vacancies. http://www.cesarmelhem.com.au/andrews-labor-government-economic-achievements/

He is far from perfect but his achievements far outweigh his flaws in my opinion. Plus he has many great optimistic plans for the future if he ends up being re-elected. https://thenewdaily.com.au/news/state/vic/2018/11/20/victorian-election-policy-comparison-daniel-andrews-matthew-guy/

On Saturday night, I attended my work Christmas party held in the Common Room at Berwick Inn. When it comes to most social functions, my first instinct is to run for the hills and this potentially could have been the case tonight. I guess I wasn’t anticipating the huge turnout and therefore how much the space was creating bottlenecks and human traffic congestion. It’s moments like those where I literally need my own space to breathe.

However it was really lovely to see many team members tonight, both who I currently work with and a handful who have transferred stores, resigned or retired. Still being an introvert and autistic, social situations will always be challenging for me. Not knowing what to do, who to talk to, what to talk about but I generally gravitate towards people I feel comfortable around. There also becomes a point where I get easily bored and restless.

I decided to wear a black Christmas themed sweater with colourful Santas, bells, trees and snowflakes on it as well as a classic red Santa hat. It’s probably the one stereotypical trait that I don’t tick as an introverted person: putting myself out there with my outfit. Possibly because I want to make an impression and get people’s attention in a good way. I left shortly after the Visions & Values awards were announced as energetically I was spent and needed to rest. But I’m glad I made the effort to come out even for a short while.

“S-P-I-R-I-T, it's great to see. We got it, the spirit. Hey, hey, let's hear it. Said we couldn't go the distance, yeah. Look at us, we're going the distance. They just wanna be us. They don't wanna see us.” Mariah Carey featuring Ty Dolla $ign - The Distance (2018)

“It wasn't really much at all, just a little sensitivity, yeah that's all. Here in my heart is where you should be, ooh you are. Giving me life and it's everything. Thinkin' 'bout when we were seventeen. Living like Babs 'cause it's Evergreen. Here in my arms is where you should be.” Mariah Carey featuring Slick Rick & Blood Orange - Giving Me Life (2018)