#also I think this chapter officially put the fic at 100K so like congrats to y'all for reading that monster

[ibijau]

Worst engagement AU // on AO3

War is coming. War is coming. War is there, and Nie Huaisang never realised how much he had to lose.

warning for some mentions of violence and minor character death. Also, warning that this chapter is long (9.6K) so, uh... get comfy and grab a cup of liquid I guess?

With all his things packed for his upcoming trip to Lanling, Nie Huaisang feels he has earned a break which he decides to spend on the training grounds. Not to train, of course. He's already dealt with that earlier with Nie Zonghui, and he's in no hurry to do extra work. But it’s fun to watch others work out and try to capture their movements, and it’s a nice way to pass time. There’s probably other things Nie Huaisang should be doing, but his brother is currently absent, which means he’s free to do as he pleases.

Sitting on the side of the training grounds and sketching in charcoal, Nie Huaisang soon finds himself thinking of Lan Xichen rather than what he’s currently doing. It is not an uncommon occurrence these days. They had a rather great time together in Nightless City, getting to chat a lot either on their own or with Nie Huaisang’s friends, and they also got to kiss quite a few times. They were starting to get pretty good at that, Nie Huaisang likes to think. Before, he’s never bothered kissing the same person more than once or twice, but now that things are going well with Lan Xichen, he’s starting to really appreciate the concept of a steady partner.

Maybe it won’t be the worst thing ever, marrying Lan Xichen. In fact, Nie Huaisang is starting to really warm up to the idea. Even if the Cloud Recesses are a boring place, at least the company won’t be awful. Nie Huaisang is quite looking forward to going back there, and he’s already negotiated with Nie Mingjue that after having spent a week or two in Lanling, he’ll be allowed to push further south and stay a little in Gusu. By the time he gets there, there’s a chance Lan Qiren will have determined an auspicious date for the wedding and that’s… not so bad, really.

It’s odd to think that just a few months ago, the thought would have filled Nie Huaisang with dread, even disgust on a bad day. Now, he’s hoping that they’ll get married as soon after Lan Xichen turns twenty as possible. It’ll be a little scary to have his life change so radically, but it’s be exciting as well.

A commotion on the training grounds quickly brings Nie Huaisang’s attention back to the present. Everyone has dropped what they were doing and gathered around Nie Mingjue who apparently returned early from his business in Qinghe. This is already odd since he’d said it would take him all day, but odder still is the dark look on his face.

“All Night Hunts are cancelled until new orders,” Nie Mingjue announces as his brother comes closer. “No trips home. No leaving the Unclean Realm at all unless I have personally approved it.”

Murmurs run through the assembled disciples, but nobody dares ask questions. It’s easy enough to guess that it has something to do with Qishan Wen, since things have been growing so tense after that Discussion Conference. Still, when his brother walks away, Nie Huaisang follows him, worried about this new development.

“You’re not going to Lanling,” Nie Mingjue says before Nie Huaisang can even open his mouth. “You’re not going anywhere. I’m going to assign people to stay with you at all times from now on.”

“Did something happen?”

Nie Mingjue doesn’t answer, but motions for his brother to follow him into the nearest building, an armoury. After checking that it is currently empty, Nie Mingjue sets silencing talismans on the door. Watching him take such precautions, Nie Huaisang’s anxiety grows.

“Is it war?” he asks.

“Not yet, but it’s coming,” Nie Mingjue grunts, sitting down on a chest so quickly it feels more as if he collapsed. “Huaisang, they’ve burned the Cloud Recesses some days ago.”

Nie Huaisang’s legs give away under him, and he barely manages to go sit with his brother, all strength having left him.

“Xichen and Wangji…” he starts, only to find he can’t even ask that question without choking.

“I don’t know,” Nie Mingjue admits, pulling his brother into a tight hug. “I’ve not been able to get a clear picture of what happened yet. It’s possible that Lan Qiren and Qingheng-Jun have been wounded, but I don’t know how severely. My informant said that Lan Wangji was taken to Nightless City along with some other disciples of the sect. Nothing’s known yet about Xichen.”

Cold seizes Nie Huaisang, making it near impossible to breathe as he tries to realise how everything has suddenly changed. He buries himself against his brother’s chest, clinging to him like a lifeline. That desperation is mirrored in how tightly Nie Mingjue holds him back, as if Nie Huaisang might be taken from him if he let go for even a moment. 

-

This fear turns to reality the very next day when an envoy arrives from Nightless City, demanding that twenty Nie disciples be sent there to be properly educated in cultivation, one of which has to be from the Nie clan itself. Although there are distant cousins that could fit that description, the instant Nie Huaisang hears that message, he knows that it means him. To send anyone else would be an act of open rebellion.

While the Wen messenger is given a room to rest, the Nie council discuss what to do. It is jarring to Nie Huaisang to hear himself discussed as if he weren’t here, nothing but an asset, a pawn to be kept or sacrificed. Hearing how many of the elders are perfectly willing to let him become a hostage is a slap in the face, but ultimately not such a surprise. He’s a second son, and one born of a lesser union at that, so being used like this is to be expected. It’s not so different from the way he ended up engaged to Lan Xichen, although this time the risks are much higher.

If the Cloud Recesses hadn’t just been attacked, the situation would be different. Their strategy was always that Qinghe would be at the forefront of the upcoming war, with Gusu used as a secondary base. Now though, Nie Huaisang realises that they might well be back to the situation they were in before his engagement, without allies to count on. There’s no telling in what state the Cloud Recesses are, how bad the damage, how many people are still standing. All they know for sure is that Lan Wangji is already an hostage, and that doesn’t bode well for Gusu Lan’s current strength.

Nie Huaisang sees how torn his brother is on the subject, how much Nie Mingjue doesn’t want to send him to an uncertain fate, and he’s grateful for that.

But they all have a role to play in what’s about to happen, and this is his. If putting himself in danger can give his brother the time he needs to gather his forces, check on old allies and make new ones…

Second sons are always sacrificable. 

-

The Nie disciples are the first hostages to arrive at the training camp, and it quickly becomes obvious that the Wens have rushed when organising for this. Living spaces are still being prepared for the vast numbers of youth being brought in, and for a least half a shichen they're made to stand around because nobody knows where to send them, nor do they think at first of searching them for hidden weapons. It all gives Nie Huaisang the impression that maybe this whole thing wasn’t as carefully planned as his brother’s council believed. 

Since nobody really knows what to do with them, the Nies are thrown in with the Lans in an empty storage building while waiting for things to be ready for them. Although they are ordered not to chat, Nie Huaisang all but runs to Lan Wangji’s side the instant he sees him. He can’t help it, not when his friend is one of several Lan disciples sitting on the floor, looking pale and exhausted in a way Nie Huaisang has never seen him before, not even after that disastrous Night Hunt in Caiyi.

After exchanging a look with Nie Fangjie who comes to stand in front of them to block the guards' view, Nie Huaisang kneels down next to Lan Wangji. His friend glances at him but doesn't react. 

"What happened?" Nie Huaisang whispers as low as he can. "Mingjue says you were attacked?" 

Lan Wangji looks away but nods, almost imperceptibly. 

"Your brother?" 

"Ran," Lan Wangji sighs, barely more than a breath. "They wanted us to burn our library. Brother saved what he could." 

It's a relief to hear that Lan Xichen hasn't been killed. Nie Huaisang doesn't relax by any means, but he feels a little steadier knowing his fiancé is still alive. Still, that means Lan Xichen is on the run, possibly pursued by Wen cultivators. He is skilled enough that he should be able to defeat almost any enemy, although there's a big difference between fighting monsters and living humans. Nie Huaisang has often heard other Nie disciples say it takes a certain mindset to turn cultivation skills against another person. Hopefully, Lan Xichen will manage it, if it comes to that. 

"Your uncle ?" Nie Huaisang asks. 

"Fine." Lan Wangji hesitates, and glances toward the Wen guards who don't seem to have noticed their conversation. "My father…" 

"He's wounded?" 

A weak nod, and Lan Wangji looks so worried. It makes Nie Huaisang feel a little guilty because he wouldn't have thought to ask about Qingheng-Jun. He's so little around that it's easy to forget he's still sect leader, in theory. 

"And you?" 

Lan Wangji shrugs ever so slightly, even though they're something off about his posture that screams he's unwell. Between the normal stubbornness of the Lans, Lan Wangji’s own pride, and the fact the Wens must have ordered him to stay quiet about what happened, Nie Huaisang isn't sure how to extract the truth from him. 

That problem is solved by another Lan disciple coming to kneel next to Nie Huaisang. 

"They broke his leg," the boy explains. "We're taking turns helping him heal when they're not looking, but none of us have been properly trained in that." 

Lan Wangji glares at the disciple for telling on him, but the other boy doesn't seem phased by it. He's not a Lan proper, judging by his plain ribbon, so it's kind of impressive that he's not trembling before Lan Wangji. 

"Thanks, hm…" 

"Su She," the other boy says, in a tone that makes it clear Nie Huaisang should have already known that. He does look familiar. "Do you have any medicine?" 

"No, they confiscated everything. What does he need?" 

"Something to speed up the healing process," Su She assesses. "If it helps with the pain as well, good, because I doubt they'll go easy on any of us." 

"I'm fine," Lan Wangji protests, sounding offended. 

Su She rolls his eyes, clearly unimpressed with the second young master of his sect. Just for that, Nie Huaisang kinds of like him.

"I'll see if I can ask for medication," Nie Huaisang says. "Maybe if it's not a Lan it will work." 

When he stands up, Su She does the same and follows him, a little more closely than necessary but he looks so worried that Nie Huaisang allows it. 

"Don't be like that, he'll be fine," he tells the other boy. "Those Lan clan boys look all willowy and delicate but they're tough." 

"I hope so," Su She mutters. "He's the only hostage of value from our sect. If he dies, I'm not sure they'll bother keeping the rest of us." 

It's a remark which sends shivers down Nie Huaisang’s spine. He's been so busy worrying about his own safety that he didn't even take a second to consider that of the other disciples. To make it worse, knowing Nie Mingjue, there's a good chance he asked the other boys to keep him safe. Their lives could depend on his capacity to stay out of trouble. It's terrifying, and it makes Nie Huaisang want to stay away from the Wens, but he can't. Lan Wangji really needs medicine. 

Nie Huaisang takes a deep, calming breath, puts on his most innocent smile, and slowly approaches the Wen guards watching over them. 

"Honoured hosts, may I make a small request?" he asks. "Someone here is wounded and needs a doctor, is there any chance one might be fetched?"

“Nobody is to be given any help,” the older of the two guards snaps. “If anyone got wounded it’s due to their unacceptable behaviour or their lack of skill. Either way, a lesson must be learned.”

“Ah! I knew he had to have deserved it!” Nie Huaisang exclaims. He doesn’t like this, doesn’t like working with enemies, but Lan Wangji is unwell and they’re all probably going to be here for a while. Days if they’re lucky. Months or even years if they’re not. Nie Huaisang has to do something about that. “What did he do?”

“He attacked Wen gongzi!” the second guard reveals, earning a gasp from Nie Huaisang and a glare from his colleague.

“What an idiot!” Nie Huaisang splutters, before pressing a hand against his mouth. “Sorry, I just mean… first it’s stupid in general to do that, but what, did he think he’d win?”

The younger guard snorts, while his slightly older colleague scowls at Nie Huaisang and orders him away. It wouldn’t pay to insist right now, when everything is so uncertain and there’s no certainty these guards are going to still be around them once they’ve been moved to their true living quarters. He’ll have to try again later to see if they can be mellowed. The younger one seems an easier target, but it’s the other one who has authority, so he’s the one to win over.

He can do this. If he’s befriended Jin Zixuan, he can befriend anyone, even Wen guards who wouldn’t hesitate to murder him and everyone else in this room.

“What are you doing?” Nie Fangjie hisses at him when he rejoins the other Nie disciples.

“My best,” Nie Huaisang retorts, trying to recall every encounter he's ever had with Wen cultivators to decide how to win them over. “It’s all I can ever do.”

-

In the days that follow, more people keep arriving. It’s a comfort of sorts to be reunited with Jin Zixuan, Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, because if there’s any physical danger, they can take care of it. Sure their swords too have been taken away upon arriving in Nightless City, but they’re all strong fighters so they can manage without. At the same time, the three of them are so damn proud that they keep getting on Wen Chao’s nerves, who has been put in charge of this indoctrination camp. Wei Wuxian in particular really needs to learn to shut up, although Jin Zixuan is hardly any better. Nie Huaisang likes him a lot, but at the moment it really shows that he’s used to being spoiled by his parents and has never been through anything rougher than his stay in Gusu before this.

While his friends get themselves in trouble, Nie Huaisang does his best to fraternise with the men who guard their living quarters. It seems hopeless at first because those Wens are well trained and fear their masters. But a lifetime in Qinghe Nie has taught him nobody is ever as tough as they try to look, and day after day, Nie Huaisang erodes their barriers until one night one of them makes a comment against Gusu Lan in front of him. That’s a subject on which Nie Huaisang has a lot of experience complaining, so he starts describing how awful the food is there. The guards refuse to believe some of his descriptions, swearing he has to be exaggerating, but Nie Huaisang insists, going so far as to offer to cook a certain dish for them since he found the recipe once. They’re laughing as they send him back to his disciples. It feels like a victory.

Two days later, Nie Huaisang faints while returning from a Night Hunt organised by Wen Chao, and pitifully begs one guard if he really can’t have something to help him get better. He cries a few tears as he explains how his weak golden core won’t let him heal properly. He cries again when the man does bring him a few pills which he shares with Lan Wangji the first chance he gets.

“That wasn’t necessary,” Lan Wangji scolds him, though he does take the medicine. “They will think you’re weak now.”

“I am weak. Might as well use it. Listen, I’m keeping the rest for now but I’ll give you more tomorrow, ok? We’re going to get you back to health, I swear!”

That same day, Nie Huaisang finds himself giving another pill to someone else, a boy who was whipped half to death by Wen Chao for getting mud on his robes and made an example of. The next day, another pill goes to Lan Wangji, and the fourth again to that other boy. While treating him, Nie Huaisang gets asked by someone else if he can also treat one of their friends who was wounded during the latest Night Hunt. He already only has seven pills left. 

Nie Huaisang suddenly realises how precious these are, and how he can’t give them away as easily as he'd like. He has to decide who to treat and who must keep suffering because there’s no knowing when he’ll get medicine again... and what if he gives away his last pill right before someone really needs it? The shock of that realisation rattles him to his core, making him want to crumble and cry. Instead he politely declines the cry for help from that boy whose friend should be fine again in a few days. He also stores in a corner of his mind the horror and helplessness of this responsibility he never asked for.

It’ll be a useful feeling to remember if he ever needs to cry on command.

Even with careful rationing, the pills slowly go away. Lan Wangji is healing, but not as well as he could be because Wen Chao always finds ways to make him use his leg and put weight on it. All the pills can do at this point is prevent the bone from breaking again.

One afternoon, a girl comes and asks him to help her mistress. Her sect is one of the few that sent girls, because it’s so small it couldn’t get twenty people otherwise. To make it worse, the sect leader only had a daughter to send, since his son is far too young. That daughter got on the wrong side of Wang Lingjiao, and had her back whipped over some invented offence.

“She has a weak golden core,” Luo Qingyang explains. “We’re trying to heal her, but Wang Lingjiao keeps finding excuses to stop us. She’s decided that Wen Chao was flirting with our mistress and she wants to make sure it won’t happen again.”

Nie Huaisang winces. Wang Lingjiao and Wen Chao really found each other. Maybe she’s the one he should have married, instead of his poor wife who has been sent back to her family with her baby (guard talks, they like gossip, and Nie Huaisang listens to everything because someday he’ll go home and something might be useful to Nie Mingjue). Nie Huaisang only has two pills left, but it's fine. They're going on another Night Hunt tomorrow, he'll just have to make himself faint again. It's easy when you know how. 

He gives Luo Qingyang a pill, in exchange for which she gives him a little sachet of fragrant herbs.

“It doesn’t really do much,” she says with an apologetic smile. “But it’ll keep the bugs away.”

“You don’t have to…”

“Neither do you,” Luo Qingyang cuts him. “But since you’re doing it… at least, now you can avoid mosquito bites.”

It’s such a small thing, but Nie Huaisang accepts the sachet as if it were the more precious thing in the world. The herbs inside smell so nice while the sachet itself is prettily embroidered, and after a few weeks in this stupid camp, he's just desperate to have something pleasant.

-

The location of their next Night Hunt is a place called Dusk Creek Mountain. It is neither more nor less unpleasant to look at than the other Night Hunting spots Wen Chao has taken them to, yet there’s something in the air that unsettles Nie Huaisang. It might just be that the Wens are particularly excited this time, making him fear that they’re after something a little bigger than the previous creatures they’ve been sent after. He gets a little fearful when Wen Chao reveals that they are to look for a cave. Nie Huaisang doesn’t go Night Hunting if he has a choice, but he’s heard stories and generally, caves never bring anything good. To make it worse, the forced walk to Dusk Creek Mountain has undone much of the progress they’d managed in healing Lan Wangji’s leg, to the point that even other people were starting to notice.

“Is it true what they say?” Jin Zixuan asks Nie Huaisang as they walk side by side, supposedly looking for that blasted cave but actually observing Lan Wangji who on top of everything else is now being bothered by Wei Wuxian.

“People say a lot of things,” Nie Huaisang carefully replies, checking around that no Wens are close enough to hear.

“They say Sect Leader Lan and Lan Xichen have been killed,” Jin Zixuan whispers. “At first I didn’t think that was possible because Lan Wangji didn’t look so bad, but now…”

“Nobody knows for sure what’s up with them,” Nie Huaisang cuts him dryly. “Not even Wangji. Don’t listen to rumours like that, and don’t spread them either.”

His fists clench at his sides, and he’s forced to look away from Lan Wangji. After a short moment, Jin Zixuan puts one hand on his shoulder and stares at him with what can only be called pity.

Back during that conference in Nightless City, Nie Huaisang and Lan Xichen got a little careless with kissing, and so the others caught them like that. Wei Wuxian teased them mercilessly, Jiang Cheng scolded them for doing something like that in public (even though they’d found a very nice and quiet little spot where nobody should have found them), and Jin Zixuan… Jin Zixuan’s reaction had been the worst. He’d looked at Nie Huaisang with understanding, as if guessing something that Nie Huaisang himself hadn’t been quite ready to face yet. He still isn’t ready to face it. He’s not sure there’s anything left to face, because if Lan Xichen is dead…

Nie Huaisang takes a deep breath, and pushes that thought away, as he’s done countless times since first hearing about the burning of the Cloud Recesses. He’ll worry about that the day there’s real news. Until then, it’s best not to think about it at all.

Thankfully, the cave’s entrance is found soon after, giving Nie Huaisang something a little more concrete to worry about. Crawling underground and looking for some unknown beast leaves little time to think about anything but the situation at hand. Since Jin Zixuan went his own way by being one of the first ones to enter the cave to avoid talking to Wen Chao, Nie Huaisang mostly sticks with the other disciples of his own sect as they fearfully try to hunt a prey they know nothing about.

When they reach a dark underground lake and still find no trace of any beast, Wen Chao loses patience and decides to bleed someone to use as bait. Nie Huaisang tenses and fights an impulse to hide behind Nie Fangjie. It’s not going to be him, he’s too valuable as a hostage, but… but Wen Chao doesn’t always make the smartest of decisions, and Nie Huaisang is definitely one of the weakest cultivators present, which their ‘host’ has noticed and made fun of more than once.

In the end though, Wen Chao’s mistress picks someone else as the offered bait.

It’s the girl from the other day, the one who begged for medicine and gave him that little sachet of herbs. The situation would be awful anyway, but the fact that they chatted once makes it somewhat personal. But just like with the pills, Nie Huaisang finds himself forced to calculate the worth of another person’s suffering. This girl will be hurt and she might die from being used as bait. In fact, it’s likely Wang Lingjiao will do her best to get her killed. But anyone who tries to intercede will likely be killed as well, and they might not even get to save her.

It’s made worse by the fact that while Nie Huaisang himself can’t do anything, he knows exactly how to get the other Nies to intervene. They are sworn to protect him, so if he puts himself in harm’s way, they will fight for him and for that girl. He could try to save her. He could get his disciples killed one after the other just to feel like a hero.

To Nie Huaisang’s relief and horror, Luo Qingyang finds protection behind Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan who stand firm before Wen Chao, forcing Nie Huaisang to go through the entire choice of whether to intervene all over again. The life of a stranger against the lives of his brother’s disciples was a hard thing to decide. The life of two of his closest friends, or the disciples? In either case he’s going to lose people who are his, and that’s unbearable.

When Wen Chao sends his disciples to attack Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji, the choice becomes obvious. Nie Huaisang launches himself to join the Jin and Lan disciples defending their young masters, followed by his own disciples. 

It's not so hard at first. It's remarkably similar to his training sessions with Nie Zonghui, especially since he had started learning how to deal with armed adversaries. If he ignores the killing intent of their adversaries, everything is fine, it’s just like training.

Everything is fine.

Until Jin Zixuan, exhausted by the long trek to the mountain and struggling to fight without a weapon, doesn’t notice one Wen disciple ready to stab him in the back. Nie Huaisang moves without thinking, and strikes without restraining his strength as he normally does. There's a sickening crack when his hand makes contact with the man’s chest, bones caving in under the force of the impact. The man falls, twitches a few seconds, then stops moving entirely.

Even though the fighting continues all around, Nie Huaisang stares at the body. At the corpse, he slowly realises. He realises, also, that he knows that Wen disciple, as he is (was) among those to guard the hostages in Qishan. Nie Huaisang has laughed with this man and done his best to befriend him, only to now have killed him. He’s done this, he’s killed someone, and…

Jin Zixuan bends over the corpse to steal his sword, then turns to Nie Huaisang to grasp his shoulder and shake him lightly.

“Focus!” he orders. “It was him or me, you had no choice.”

“But he’s…”

“You’ll die as well if you don’t focus,” Jin Zixuan hisses. “You’ll think about it later, for now keep fighting!”

Nie Huaisang nods weakly and gets back to a fighting stance, pretending he cannot see the man on the ground. He’ll deal with this later. He’ll deal with so many things later. He doesn’t want later to ever arrive.

Not long after, Wei Wuxian manages to get a hold of Wen Chao and for a brief moment, Nie Huaisang tells himself that it’s over. They’re the only with a hostage now, they can leave this cave, they can maybe even go home and take Wen Chao with them, reversing the situation somewhat. It's his the first glimmer of hope in weeks.

It gets ruined when an enormous monster of a turtle emerges from the lake and starts attacking all of them indifferently, when Wen Chao manages to escape from Wei Wuxian, when the Wen flee from the cave and trap the rest of them in the dark to be either devoured by the monster or die of starvation. Nie Huaisang can only share in the general hopelessness until Lan Wangji speaks of a way out, soon supported in that assessment by Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng.

While a plan is formed for an escape, Nie Huaisang can do nothing more than to follow along. He’s lucky enough to be among the people who can swim, thanks to his stay in Lotus Piers a few months before, so he ends up helping a few wounded people get to the hole in the lake through which they are set to escape. Still he’s not the strongest of swimmers, and the underwater route is just long enough that his lungs are burning from lack of air by the time he breaks the surface outside. He helps those with him to reach firm ground, then returns to the water alongside Jin Zixuan so they can give a hand as more and more people get out. After a long while, Jiang Cheng too appears, holding three boys who look a little worse for wear.

“Where are Wangi and Wuxian?” Nie Huaisang asks, surprised not to see them in what should have been the last batch of people escaping.

“Still inside,” Jiang Cheng grunts. “They were fighting the monster, I’ll try to go back for them. Check on the wounded, see what can be done for them. Do you still have any of your pills?”

“I gave the last one to Wangji yesterday,” Nie Huaisang confesses, horrified that his worst fear has come true. “His leg was causing him so much pain he could barely walk, I didn’t know, I couldn’t guess…”

Jiang Cheng huffs and shrugs, taking only a moment to rest before he dives again. Feeling guilty that he squandered those precious few pills before they had a chance to be really useful, Nie Huaisang starts looking at the other people. Some seem perfectly healthy, having stayed out of the fight with the Wens and out of range of the monster turtle. Others have serious wounds, which their friends are trying to treat as best as they can when nobody has much energy to spare. Luo Qingyang goes from group to group, offering the last of her scented sachets and explaining that they contain some herbs that might at least soothe the pain and keep the wounds clean, if nothing else. Nie Huaisang tries to do the same with the one she gifted him, if only to feel a little more useful.

Before too long, Jiang Cheng leaves the water, still alone, looking deathly pale, and calls for Nie Huaisang and Jin Zixuan who promptly join him.

“The exit is blocked,” he announces in a pained voice. “Something must have collapsed inside the cave. They’re trapped.”

At the news, Nie Huaisang nearly collapses.

“Is there any way to reopen the passage? If we all work together, maybe…”

“Not with the state everyone is in,” Jin Zixuan cuts him, so cold and detached that Nie Huaisang wants to punch him in the face. “And the Wens might be guarding the other exit, even if we reached it. In fact, we’d probably do well not to linger in these woods too long. Wen Chao’s pride took a severe blow and I doubt he’s going to learn forgiveness in the coming hours.”

"We can't abandon them!" 

"We won't," Jiang Cheng retorts. "What's the nearest sect from here? I'll run and get help there." 

After some head scratching, they figure that actually, Gusu Lan is the nearest from this mountain. But after quickly asking the Lan disciples present, Jiang Cheng decides that it's too risky to go there when the entire place might have been destroyed. For all they know, these boys are the only Lan disciples still standing. The second nearest place is Lotus Piers, and while it's further away, that has the advantage that Jiang Cheng will easily get the help he needs. Without losing a moment more, Jiang Cheng and the other Jiang disciples set out toward home, leaving the others to fend for themselves. 

What to do next pauses a bit of a problem. There's a very real risk that Wen Chao might hunt them down and attempt to kill them if they don't swear secrecy. It would be easy to then say those who refused to cooperate just died during the Night Hunt. These things happen, and most sects are ready to turn a blind eye to avoid a war. 

"I can take some people into my father's territory," Jin Zixuan whispers to Nie Huaisang as they try to decide what to do. "But only if their sect has an alliance with Lanling. In these circumstances, my father is sure to find some excuse to refuse entrance to anyone else if it can avoid offending the Wens." 

"My brother will take anyone, I think," Nie Huaisang replies. "But Qinghe is pretty far and some of them are badly wounded, they wouldn't make it." He pauses and looks around at the people around them, waiting for their decision. Since they are from the bigger sects, everyone seems to have decided they're in charge. Nie Huaisang hates it, but it can't be helped and he'll do his best. "What if we pulled a little deception on your father?" 

"What do you have in mind?" 

"Anyone who's badly wounded gets passed as a clan allied to yours. It's just a matter of switching robes. No offence, but I don't think your father has ever looked at a junior disciple from his own sect, let alone others. It will work." 

Jin Zixuan readily agrees, clearly sharing his friend's view of his father on that matter.

The hardest part of that plan, it turns out, is convincing those who aren't wounded to give up a chance to go home quickly. Nie Huaisang begs and pleads in favour of the wounded, but what really convinces everyone is seeing the better off Lans give away their still impeccable robes and offer them to those who are unwell, then putting on their other's dirty, bloodied garbs. Gusu Lan is not formally an ally of Lanling Jin, but its reputation is such that Jin Guangshan wouldn't dare to turn them away, not even after what the Wens did to it. After this, disciples of other sects feel shamed into helping as well.

Once everyone is dressed, Jin Zixuan heads one way with the wounded and whoever still gets to come along, while Nie Huaisang and the rest go another way. 

It's an awfully long trek home. They start out with a lot of people, but as they travel north toward Qinghe, some people break off from the group as they pass through their sect's territory. Others don't dare do that, no matter how close to home they get, fearful of what the Wen might do in reaction to what happened and hoping the Unclean Realm will offer more protection. War is coming, Nie Huaisang can feel it. He tries not to think about it. Like everything else he pushes the thought aside and focus on the task at hand, on getting all these people to safety. 

By the time they get there at last, over two weeks have passed. It would have taken longer if they hadn't been cultivators, and thus capable of walking faster and longer than regular people, but for the first time in his life, Nie Huaisang wishes he'd had his sabre. Then the journey would have been over in just a few days. 

As soon as they pass the borders of Qinghe Nie's territory, the freed hostages are found and welcomed by a party of Nie cultivators led by Nie Mingjue himself. Everyone is led to a temporary camp, given food and water, checked for wounds and generally cared for. 

"Your friend Jin Zixuan sent a message you'd be arriving," Nie Mingjue explains when his brother falls into his arms, the two of them holding each other as tight as they can. "Two days more and I'd have gone looking even into Wen territory." 

"Zixuan made it?" 

"Hm. And the Jiangs were able to rescue Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, they're both home."

The relief is so intense that Nie Huaisang’s legs give away. He'd fall to his knees if his brother's grasp on him weren't so strong. Everything is fine, everyone he cares about is alive and well. 

Almost everyone. 

"What about Xichen? Did you get news? It's been two months, he must have come home now, right?" 

Even before his brother answers, Nie Huaisang feels the way Nie Mingjue’s arms tighten around him, feels his brother's heart racing in his chest. 

"Nothing yet," Nie Mingjue whispers. "But his father passed away not long after you all escaped, so he's sure to return soon."

"And if he doesn't?" Nie Huaisang asks, nearly a whimper. "Mingjue what if he's…" 

"He'll come back," his brother cuts him. "So stop worrying, come eat something, and tell me what happened." 

Nie Huaisang obeys, as best as he can, but food tastes of nothing and gets stuck in his throat. 

Two months is too long without news. 

-

Once all the escaped disciples are fed and rested, Nie Mingjue takes all of them back to the Unclean Realm and sends messages to their sects so they know they are safe and can be picked up.

The war hasn’t started yet, but its shadow grows ever darker over their heads. All it will take now is a spark. Nie Huaisang thought the incident at Dusk Creek Mountain might be enough, but the smaller sects are still unsure about opposing Qishan Wen even after this, while Lanling Jin and Yunmeng Jiang seem to cling to the hope that things won’t go that far. Nie Mingjue is both disappointed and angry at Jin Guangshan and Jiang Fengmian, and he doesn’t hesitate to let it be known during his councils, often using swear words Nie Huaisang didn’t even know existed.

It shouldn’t be a surprise though. Nie Mingjue’s council, made up of men the same age as the other sect leaders or older, are also begging him not to be too hot-headed because wars are easy to start and difficult to end. It annoys him and, to a lesser degree, it annoys Nie Huaisang that what he and the others went through, what happened to the Cloud Recesses, still isn’t enough to justify rising against the Wens.

He wonders, more than a few times, if anything will ever be enough or if these old men will keep making excuses until one day they all wear the red of Qishan Wen.

The answer to that question comes sooner than Nie Huaisang would have liked, and more brutally too.

It starts with a messenger running into the Unclean Realm at sunrise, demanding to see Nie Mingjue immediately. A quarter of a shichen later, an emergency council is called to which Nie Huaisang, for once, is not invited, mostly because it’s too early for him to be awake. That council goes on and on for over half the day, without even a break for food or tea. It gets worrying enough that Nie Huaisang gives up on doing anything else that day and just sits by the door of the throne room, waiting to hear the news. He could go to his secret alcove and find out. He doesn’t. However much he wants to know what’s happening, he’s also terrified by it. Something, he feels, is about to change.

It is mid-afternoon when the door to the throne room opens and the council members exit in silence. They don’t look at Nie Huaisang. They don’t even look at one another, their faces turned to dark masks as they all go their separate ways with resigned determination. Nie Huaisang waits until the last of them has gone before he barges into the room, barely taking the time to close the door behind him before turning his gaze on his brother, and…

Something is wrong.

Nie Mingjue is sitting on his throne, resting his hand on his chin, his eyes glassy and distant. He doesn’t turn to look at his brother, not even when Nie Huaisang hesitantly walks closer. He looks.

He looks so old.

A bit like he did after their father fell into a sleep from which he’d never wake again, forcing his eldest son to bear a weight he wasn’t prepared for. Nie Mingjue looks too old, and he looks too young.

Nie Huaisang doesn’t need to ask. There’s only one thing that could put his brother in such a state.

He asks anyway.

“Is it happening?”

“Yes,” Nie Mingjue whispers, refusing to look at his brother. “It can’t be avoided anymore. This is war.” In a way, Nie Huaisang has spent his entire life waiting to hear these words. He thought he was prepared for them. They still shock him.

This is war.

“What decided it, in the end?” he asks.

Nie Mingjue, slowly, turns his eyes to his brother, his sorrow deepening in a way Nie Huaisang wouldn’t have thought possible.

"Lotus Piers has been destroyed."

Nie Huaisang stops breathing for a second and stares at his brother. He can’t have heard that right. It can’t be true. He doesn’t want it to be true.

"Did… did Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian… Th-They made it out, right?" 

Nie Mingjue's face hardens as he shakes his head. 

"Huaisang. There are no survivors. The Wens killed everyone, even the children and elderly. There’s no more Yunmeng Jiang."

Nie Huaisang can’t breathe. When his brother opens his arms, he can only run to him and let himself be pulled on Nie Mingjue’s lap like he’s six again and needs to be held after a nightmare.

“I’m sorry,” Nie Mingjue whispers, clinging to him too tight, almost hurting him. “I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have happened, we should have attacked them first, we should have attacked when they burned the Cloud Recesses, I’m sorry.”

Breaking into tears, Nie Huaisang nods, then shakes his head. It shouldn’t have happened. It can’t have happened. Jiang Cheng is his best friend, and he likes Wei Wuxian a lot as well, and they’re so brave and so strong, they can’t be dead. He doesn’t want them to be dead. It’s unfair that they are dead.

“Qinghe is about to get too dangerous,” Nie Mingjue sighs. “I’m sending you away to Gusu.”

The words are like a lightning strike. Nie Huaisang startles and tears himself away from his brother’s embrace so abruptly that he falls on the floor.

“No, I’m staying!” he cries out. “Let me stay, I can help! I’ll fight too if you want, I’ll train at the sabre for real, I’ll do whatever you want! Don’t make me go away!”

“That’s not up for negotiations, Huaisang.”

“Then somewhere else! Lanling is going to join us, right? Maybe I can go there?”

“We don’t know yet what Lanling will do. Jin Guangshan probably won’t pick a side until he’s certain of the winner. You’re going to the Cloud Recesses, they're our allies.”

“Don't send me to Gusu," Nie Huaisang begs, the very idea making him nearly sick. To be there again, without Jiang Cheng, without Lan Xichen… "Anywhere but there, I can't go there!"

Nie Mingjue looks exhausted, enough so that Nie Huaisang nearly feels guilty for throwing a tantrum and adding to his brother’s troubles. But he cannot return to the Cloud Recesses, not like this, not if there isn’t anybody there to wait for him. Nie Mingjue sighs and grabs him by the arm, pulling both of them to their feet.

"The Wens think it's out of commission,” he explains in a wearied voice. “It's unlikely to be attacked again, especially if the rest of us band together and bring the front lines to them.” Nie Mingjue hesitates. “It'll also be the first place to know if Lan Xichen re-emerges."

Nie Huaisang starts crying again.

"It'll be the first to know also if he's dead," he whispers. "I don't… I don't want to know that. I can't… If he's dead, I never want to know." 

"Huaisang, that's not…" 

"I think I'm in love with him," he sobs, tears flowing down his cheeks. "No, I don’t think, I'm sure of it. Mingjue, I love him and he's probably dead and I can never tell him and… I don't want him to be d-dead, I want him to come b-back and I want us t-to get married and, and, and I miss him, and he's d-dead, and Wanyin is dead t-too, and, and…"

He starts choking on his tears at the realisation that his two favourite people are gone. He's never again going to chat with Jiang Cheng or pester him just for the fun of it, they're never going to train together again or to spend time reading side by side in silence. And Lan Xichen… They've lost so much time, they had just started to really get along, and just when they'd finally learned to see each other, just when they were so close to be happy… 

Nie Huaisang is no stranger to death, he saw his father agonise, he buried his own mother and his brother's, but this hits differently. He was so young for their mothers' deaths, and he never was close to his father. He doesn't remember it hurting so much back then. He doesn't remember this terror that it's only the beginning, that more people are going to die soon, that he might lose everything and he's powerless to stop it. 

It could be Lan Wangji or Jin Zixuan next. 

It could be Nie Mingjue. 

His tears double until he's drowning in them, until the only thing keeping him afloat is his brother’s tight hold on him. 

This war hasn't even started yet, and it has already taken so much from him. 

-

The next day, Nie Huaisang sets out for Gusu, a few older disciples coming with him for his protection and carry him, since his sabre has never been returned. As he passes the gates, he notices a young man barely older than himself talking with the guards. Another new recruit, one a little older than would normally be preferred but desperate times call for desperate measures. Nie Mingjue had accepted men older than himself.

It almost makes Nie Huaisang smile when the young man proudly presents a recommendation letter and looks elated at hearing that the sect leader in person will meet him. He must be unaware of the war brewing, of the need to check for spies. Nie Huaisang envies him that innocence. 

"Follow me, Meng Yao," he hears one of the guards say as he jumps on somebody's sabre, and envy turns to pity. 

Nie Huaisang wants to grab that young man and tell him to run before he too gets crushed in the great horror that's coming. 

He doesn't. His brother needs all the men he can get now that the worst has come to pass.

-

The Cloud Recesses have become a desolate place which Nie Huaisang would hate if he still had the energy for it. Some parts of it are nearly intact, such as most of the cabins for guest disciples, and the juniors and outer disciples' dorms. Others are nothing but rubble, like the houses of the main clan, the library, the armoury. 

Even though he has been given plenty to do by Lan Qiren (juniors to oversee, letters to write, guests to welcomes… Everything he would have done someday as the sect leader's spouse) Nie Huaisang still finds time to wander those ruins daily, constantly amazed by the destruction around him. 

Less than a year ago, he was sitting in the library, copying lines with Jiang Wanyin at his side because of some stupid idea Nie Huaisang had. Less than six months ago he was holding Lan Xichen's hand in his house and promising to kiss him if he won a contest. 

Outside that same house, Nie Huaisang finds the tree on which Lan Xichen had attached that little bird feeder. Like so much around the main residence, it has been scorched. Some shards of the bowl are still scattered between the roots, so Nie Huaisang picks them up and brings them back to his room. It's stupid, and useless, but he wants to cling to anything that can remind him of Lan Xichen. 

A little under two weeks after Nie Huaisang arrives in the Cloud Recesses, a rumour reaches them, saying not everyone in Lotus Piers died after all. Jiang Yanli, by luck, was with her mother's family when the attack happened and thus survived. A half dozen disciples, out on a Night Hunt at the time of the attack, have also survived by returning too late to help in the fight, and they have gone to join their young mistress to protect her. All this is known and certain. Where the rumour starts is when people say that Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were somehow able to escape as the rest of their sect was slaughtered. 

Nie Huaisang, at first, refuses to listen to such gossip. There is no way his friends would have abandoned their people like this, not even faced with certain death. They're not cowards like him. 

Still, when Lan Qiren himself calls him one evening and confirms that they're both alive, although Wei Wuxian seems to have gone missing, Nie Huaisang has to believe it. The old teacher even seems worried for Wei Wuxian, in spite of the dislike between them. Nie Huaisang wishes he could be worried, or happy. Instead all he can think after hearing the good news is that this mess is just starting, and they’re still likely to die, so there’s little point in rejoicing.

When that thought hits him, Nie Huaisang realises that something isn’t quite right with him. Ever since arriving in the Cloud Recesses, he’s done little more than go through the motion of what’s expected of him. It’s not so different from the way he felt when he returned home some months ago, only made worse by everything that’s happening. He considers, briefly, asking Lan Qiren if he can play that song Lan Xichen used, the one that soothed him and helped him handle his worried a little better for a while.

He decides against it. He doesn't know the title, Lan Qiren is busy, and he doesn't want to hear it played by anyone who isn't Lan Xichen. Besides, misery is a companion like any others at this point. The only companion he has left, in fact.

After news of Jiang Cheng’s survival arrived, more and more rumours reach the Cloud Recesses. An alliance has been formed between the Great Sects with more and more small sects being drawn to their side, Wei Wuxian has been murdered and skinned and turned into a flag as warning, Lan Wangji is helping Jiang Cheng look for Wei Wuxian, Jiang Yanli is going to marry Lan Wangji, Jiang Yanli is going to marry Jin Zixuan, Wen Ruohan’s protégée Wen Qing is going to defect and marry Jiang Cheng, Jin Guangshan has been murdered by a Wen assassin, Jin Guangshan is threatening to betray the alliance and join the Wen…

Gossip is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, yet it thrives in this place too far from the front where only whispers reach.

Nie Huaisang withdraws as much as he can, and stops listening. He does his job, teaches the younger juniors who haven’t been drafted to fight, smiles and commiserates with the people who come to beg for help against creatures and have to be turned away because nobody can be spared, smiles and acts as Lan Qiren’s secretary when they have more important guests. 

He refuses to hear the rumours, refuses to let himself hope or despair. 

All he can do is continue existing until all this is over and he’s free to feel again.

-

Night is falling on the Cloud Recesses and, hidden away inside the room given to him in the dorms, Nie Huaisang awaits the curfew bell. He does not intend to go to sleep, but knowing that time still passes around him brings a comfort of sorts.

Tonight, he is having a good evening. Sometimes he does nothing but lay in bed and wait for sleep to overtake him until dawn returns, but today Nie Huaisang actually has some energy to spare. He puts it in repairing that broken bird feeder he found when he just arrived in the Cloud Recesses, which might have been yesterday or ten years ago. It’s useless, there are pieces he never managed to find, but it’s calming in a way few things are lately.

A knock on his door startles Nie Huaisang so badly that he almost ruins his work by dropping the bowl. He stares at the door, unsure if he heard right. He can’t have heard right. Nobody ever really speaks with him except for Lan Qiren, but he wouldn’t come here at such an hour… not unless it’s important, in which case he wouldn’t bother knocking.

Nie Huaisang stares, and waits.

Just as he’s accepting that he must have dreamed that sound, it gets repeated, a little more urgently, a little louder.

“Come in,” Nie Huaisang orders, rising to his feet so that he can defend himself if his visitor has ill intentions.

It’s not an assassin that enters his room.

It’s a ghost dressed in white.

Nie Huaisang, for the first time in weeks, is overcome with emotion as he launches himself at Lan Xichen, heavy tears blurring his vision. His fiancé is almost knocked over when Nie Huaisang comes to hug him and he lets out a slightly pained gasp at being held too tight, but that’s fine. Ghosts don’t stumble, ghosts don’t breathe, ghosts aren’t warm enough to be felt even through layers of fine fabric. Ghosts don’t pet people’s hair. Ghosts don’t return hugs.

“I’m here,” Lan Xichen whispers into his hair. “It’s fine, I’m here.”

“I thought you were dead!” Nie Huaisang sobs, relief tainted with anger over the pain he did not need to feel since Lan Xichen is alive.

His fiancé’s arms pull him closer, and Nie Huaisang feels a brief kiss against his temple.

“I’m so sorry,” Lan Xichen says. “I assumed uncle would have told you. I should have guessed he wouldn’t, I should have asked him to do it. We were trying to keep it secret but I trust you, I know you wouldn’t have told anyone. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“I missed you,” Nie Huaisang whimpers, closing his eyes and pressing himself closer to his fiancé.

“I missed you too. I kept thinking of you. I was so worried when I heard about the indoctrination camp and about Dusk Creek Mountain. I’m so glad you’re fine. I don’t know what I would have done if something had happened to you.”

“I thought you were dead,” Nie Huaisang says once more, the only thing he can think of.

Lan Xichen doesn’t reply, but continues petting Nie Huaisang’s hair and rubbing his back until, slowly, the other boy starts calming down. His tears dry up, he breathes more easily than he has in weeks, and he pulls back a little from the hug to look at Lan Xichen.

The older boy is thinner than last time they saw each other. Older, too, in some inexplicable way. Nie Huaisang can’t help feeling that something is different on his fiancé’s face, some sort of lingering sadness that wasn’t there before. It might be just tiredness since it is getting late, but Nie Huaisang doesn’t think it’s anything that easy to solve. It hasn’t been so long, but they’ve both been changed by those last few months.

“May I come inside?” Lan Xichen asks. “I want to talk to you about something. Well, I want to talk about… many things, really, but one of them must come first.”

Nie Huaisang releases Lan Xichen from the hug, only to immediately take his hand as he pulls him inside the room. It’s so good to be holding hands like this again. He didn’t think he’d ever get to do it again.

“I’ve talked with your brother about something,” Lan Xichen announces as he closes the door behind him. “It is a matter on which he said he had no strong opinion, but you might, and he thought we should let you have the final word. Whatever you decide, it will be so.”

His tone is… odd. Wrong. He sounds the way he does when he tries to hide, which is something Nie Huaisang thought they had put behind them. But so much has happened, of course Lan Xichen might need to fall back on old habits, at least a little, until things get better.

“Now you’re scaring me a little,” Nie Huaisang still says. “What is it I’m meant to decide?”

Lan Xichen lets go of his hand.

“I want to cancel our engagement.”