#also I really think that my writing habits on gg are mostly what they are because I've only known the show in English

[boyfhee]

jay is the husband who would bring you a flower a day, searching what each flower mean 🥺 fuck it, i cant have him but you can.

thanks, you can definitely give me more tips for counselling hehe. i don't know if she will take bipc but she says i will cause one day she tell, ill take arts amd commerce other day ill take mec and other day, polytechnic haha like she chamges it everyday so i really cant tell.

but she is studying in 10th so, a few more months and she will decide what is good for her. the fact that there will be no boards for the coming 10th students 😔 why were we born in the 2000's era caelin? why?

i dont think you will faint in faint of the cadaver, i have seen dissection videos on youtube before i join pcm so, i know the courage it takes to stand near it and do it + when you sleep alone at night, what if it haunts you 😭 nooo, i am done for sure.

since i am an ENGINEERing student, can't talk about it but i will always talk medicine with you. please share me what you learn sometimes caelin, ok? hope your medicine years will go smoothly <3

i got into kpop early 2020, day before bts on comeback 😁 i never knew what were comebacks or debut or contents etc etc. until i started stanning bts. and then enhypen since the day their profiles were released 🤧 i saw my bois grow, you cant ask me how i suffered. eggies will definitely cry if you ask them about iland.

what groups did you stan during your early kpop days??? and what kdramas or anime were your firsts?? i am 17 so it's okay if i interact with you right?? i saw your carrd too, but asking again 😌

anyway, goodnight caelin, hope you meet jay in your dreams. tell me if you guys got married or not :0 and when you see this, it will be morning so happy morning <33 and happy bakhrid.

— lover clun anon ^3^

im tweaking please stop . literally wanted to write a jay fic as we speak, but i have no motivation to write these days TT

OMG tenth graders are like that !!! my brother is also in tenth and one day he wants to go in soft engineering and the other, astrophysics or lawyer, it's a mess. he hates bio though, so med is definitely not an option for him :"> AND NO BOARDS FOR TENTH ANYMORE ? god hates me. out batch felt so experimental tbf :/

i love watching dissection / surgery videos, but what if i can't stand the smell ㅠㅠ gna sleep at night after reciting hanuman chalisa bruv o_o also my cousin is a dentist and she told be about a dream she had where he was running away from a huge jaw ?? chasing after her ?? it was a couple days before her finals lmfao

and i would love to hear you talk about engineering too :D not that i know a lot, but maybe this is my chance to expand my knowledge >< i will surely tell you what i learn ( was revising thorax anatomy yesterday btw ) hope engineering treats you well mwah

ohh omg i used to stan bts ! like around blood, sweat and tears era ?? it lasted till they they dropped idol i think ? and then it felt like their music changed drastically so i stopped listening to them, but i do have a few new songs that i like, mostly solo works that too of jk only TT i have a v bad habit of not listening to new songs for some reason

actually, two of my friends gushed about iland, but i was never into survival shows so i just listened to them and hyped them up but never focused on it. then i saw that sunghoon was debuting as an idol— i knew him since he was a figure skater, but that still didn't convince me to check them out lmfao TT but i came across fever one day and i'm telling you, i listened to it for weeks straight before even bothering to check the group out hehe ( _ _; ) even though i haven't watched iland, i've seen clips and that gave me an idea of how the show was

my first kpop group was exo ! i stanned bts shortly after, and then was introduced to nct, then svt, now enhypen. although i have been a casual listener to a lot of groups, esp ggs. and the only ggs i've ever stanned are formis and aespa >< my first kdrama was suspicious partner, i love it so much :D the chemistry is so good ++ it has a mystery element so i love it even more. and first anime was haikyuu TT i love them sm, it's truly my comfort show

now tell me about you :O your first kdrama, anime, first bias, how did you come across kpop, do you collect albums / merch— anything !

ps i didn't meet jay in my dreams ( for some reason, whenever i have enha dreams they're super weird and the boys try to kill me most of the time ) i had a nice sleep nonetheless, hope u did too ! eid mubarak to you as well ^_^

[fritextramole]

i know you love jenny and eric and hate chuck, but i’m really curious what you think about the other main gg characters and why?

Oh I love talking!!!! I love talking so much this is going under a read more bc it got unwieldy

I'm gonna talk about Blair, Serena, Dan, Nate, Vanessa, Rufus, and Lily here, but if there's anyone else you're curious about lmk

(and none of my feelings about the characters are black and white! I do find Chuck Fun To Hate and Jenny and Eric both have moments I pretend not to see. I just have my favorites and least favorite)

Blair

my relationship with Blair is the most complicated. the short answer is that the way she's venerated by fans has really soured me on her. like I'd like her more if everyone else liked her less yk

the longer answer is that I get why people love her. she had this amazing potential to grow as the show went on. I get the urge to pretend her character development stuck and she had a happy ending with Dan (I imagine I'll come back to that when I get there in the rewatch)

but season 6 went back on her character growth and had her go back to being classist and entitled and end up with chuck and I'm not going to pretend that's not canon

and like... ofc I don't think she deserved to end up with chuck (as you said my hatred of him is documented and I do think he'd be a shitty husband post series.) but I do think she deserves some consequences for her actions I'm not going to erase them to give her some happy ending the other characters have a right to be mad at her (this isn't just jenny she was a bitch to everyone at some point but they write it off bc "it's Blair that's how she is" like newsflash bestie we're all insecure most of us aren't terrible people about it)

Serena

I like Serena!! I do!! Blake Lively is charming and charismatic!!!! but she's maybe the worst about the whole Never Learning Never Growing thing most of the characters do which does get on my nerves a bit on a personal level. but more than anything it makes me not that interested in watching 121 episodes about her

I tend to be more interested in characters I can sink my teeth into (which is why I love Jenny's development and hate blair's character regression) but gossip girl is such a plot driven show that doesn't give characters time to feel things (and doesn't think about how they would feel at all.) and I think of all the leads Serena maybe gets that the worst bc there's a lot of things she should be feeling but it's like she doesn't get to (idk if that's a writing thing or a Blake Lively's acting thing (or a combination)) but it makes me not really care. especially bc iirc she'll be less involved in the main plotlines as the show goes on (which is also true for Nate)

Dan

Dan I always find myself becoming less fond of as the series goes on. I didn't find him annoying at the outset the way I know some people do. he's a good big brother and a good match for Serena getting her out of her ues bubble a bit. but the show goes on and he falls in love with Blair less than a year after she banished his sister (and never brings that up to her)

I've never gotten to the point of hating him but in the second to last episode he calls chuck "the best man I've ever known" (he raped your sister!!!!) and I get close

making Dan gossip girl was so bizarre and nonsensical that I'm just gonna say #gaslightgatekeepgirlboss those rich kids deserved it and move on bc I cant examine it seriously or we'll be here all day

Nate

Nate I mostly wish had been fleshed out more. in the early seasons he goes through a lot of really serious shit but his legacy is that the writers didn't know what to do with him after like season 2 so he just dated everyone.

for the most part I like him I just wish he'd gotten more depth in the later seasons

and I say "for the most part" bc he's got this unfortunate habit of looking the other way about how chuck treats women-until it's a woman he cares about. he has this line when he's fighting with chuck in s1 that's like "did you get what you wanted like you did with all those other girls" which makes it sound like he knows Chuck's a rapist and !!!!!!!!!

but that's unfortunately very common behavior in teenage boys. other than that I really do like Nate!!! I like that he looks out for his friends and doesn't send tips to gossip girl!!! I like that in season 1 he tries to write Blair an apology letter and in season 2 he writes a letter to Jenny I think that's really sweet!!!!! Nate's my boy and I wanna give him a hug (and make him stop being friends with that guy)

Vanessa

in canon, Vanessa has these little throwaway details about living with her sister and making socially powerful documentaries and being really well liked at NYU that we just never explore ??? even a little??????? I love Vanessa and she had her dark moments but they were forgivable (and not nearly as bad as anyone else's)

I mostly wish she had been a character in a different show I think is the best way to put it. like I wanna know about her family and her documentaries and her travels!!! but that's not Rich Kids Doing Drama

I was listening to Jessica Szohr's podcast and she said that at a certain point it felt silly that Vanessa kept talking about hating the rich kids but was still always on the upper east side and I think she's right. Vanessa should've been fleshed out more in canon (which maybe would've given her a reason to be in the neighborhood) but also Vanessa should've been the focus of her own show

Rufus

he's not the father of the year that's for sure

in the pilot Jenny says he "makes us go to private school" and I think that theme of attending Constance St Jude's for your education holds true but he doesn't seem to understand the reality of that?? there's this theme early on that "Dan doesn't have friends so why does Jenny need them" which 1. Rufus should be more concerned that his son has no friends!!!! and 2. Dan and Jenny are different people and I really can't fault a teenage girl for wanting to be popular or caring about her reputation

most of the time when I'm watching the show he doesn't get on my nerves in the moment. but then I think about it and I decide he's not a great parent and he needs to get better at actually listening to his children

Lily

she serves cunt it's a shame she traumatized her children

I'm being glib but also I'm not really. I like watching her!! I like that she went from groupie to socialite!!!! she's fun and I have a good time with her. and then I think a little harder about her kids and this post from @vanderwoodlings says it better than I could so I'll leave you with it

[perexcri]

hey please do that golden girls idea some day. it's one of my fave shows and umm I may have read some blanche/dorothy fanfics on ao3 before and I could def get behind the byler falling in love especially over late night cheesecake sessions. I'm such a dorothy irl and now I have to wonder who you see each of the orig 4 party members as?

my apologies for getting to this so late T_T

i would love to do the golden girls idea someday!! and it's definitely on the backburner if i need something fun to work on in-between other projects just because i think it'd be so fun to have Lucas, Dustin, Mike, and Will in a dynamic like that. and it'd be fun to write them as older like that and dealing with the complexities of aging. i have a bad habit of making ideas way too complicated though, and i'd want this to be a short one, so i'd probably do something like write one of the Golden Girls episodes but with these four?? i was thinking of that one where Rose is working at the tv station and gets Dorothy and Blanche to be on a segment but it turns out the segment's about lesbian life in the US or something like that? i think it'd be fun to put byler in that situation where maybe Dustin works at a tv station and gets them on for a segment and then it's them being interviewed about what it's like to be a gay couple in the US and they're both like "um but we're not a couple 🤨" but by the end they are :D

i am also a Dorothy T_T or, to put it more specifically, i was assigned Dorothy by my mom lol. i grew up watching that show with her, and she always said i reminded her of Dorothy, which i'd have to agree with.

as for the og party being assigned a Golden Girls character? hmmm i've thought a lot about this, and i don't have a clear-cut answer, mostly because Dustin and Will are my biggest problems.

i see Mike as Dorothy 100%. like he just Fits that personality and dynamic in the group, especially since she's kinda the de facto leader

and idk how to properly explain it, but i can see Lucas as Sophia. he's caring but also has his fair share of sarcasm. plus it's shown on numerous occasions that Sophia has her own life outside of the rest of the girls, and i feel like that fits Lucas too, especially in s4 when he's trying out new stuff

and here's where the problem comes in: in terms of archetypes, i don't think Will lines up clearly with any of them? like maybe Dorothy too, but can there be two Dorothys?? at least in terms of the dynamics of the show, i don't think so. plus, i don't see him as much of a Rose or a Blanche,,,,,like out of those two, i would go with Rose, but i don't think he really fits that personality too much?? like yeah he's kind and can be backhanded like her, but it doesn't sit right with me :/

but then Dustin i could see as either Rose or Blanche!! in terms of his level of care about having a girlfriend/what girls think of him, and in terms of his own stubbornness for his ideas, then yeah, he could be the Blanche,,,but i feel like he also fulfills the Rose position somewhat too? like he fits her character in terms of his earnestness and then subsequently becoming the butt of the joke because of that earnestness

....so this is all to say that i have too many thoughts on it and it's complicated. if i ever do get around to writing it, i probably wouldn't do the Golden Girl archetypes specifically and just write the characters as they are but older. but still!! this was such a fun thought exercise. it also makes me wanna watch the show some more :'D

anyway, thanks for stopping by!! you're always so nice and you have good taste only (as a fellow fob and gg fan 😌👊🏻)

thank you friend :] 💜💜💜

[bourbon-ontherocks]

Tag game!

Non-Native English speaker asks because I’m curious as to how your brains work when it comes to writing or interacting with the fandom.

Tag other creators whose first language isn’t English!

How many languages do you speak?

What’s your native language?

Which language you’re most comfortable with?

Where or how did you learn English?

When outlining a fic, which language are you thinking in?

When planing a fic, which language are you thinking in?

Is the first draft in your native language, or is it in English?

What do you of your English?

Oh fun!! Thanks anon!! ❤️❤️

How many languages do you speak?

Um, four? I can speak French, English, Italian, Spanish, and I can say a few words/sentences in German and Mandarin

What’s your native language?

French

Which language you’re most comfortable with?

French, obviously, haha. Although I feel like it depends on what I want to convey? I’m so imbibed in English when it comes to media, internet, that sometimes I find it easier to switch to some English words.

Now if we put aside my first language, English is probably my non-first language I’m the most comfortable with now (I would have said Italian ten years ago)

Where or how did you learn English?

At school. It was my third language so I started studying it around the age of 13, but I wasn’t very good at it, I was far better at Latin languages. It changed when I started watching movies and shows in English, I was like 22 or 23.

And then I got a second massive improvement when I started writing fics and chatting daily on an anglophone website lol!

When outlining a fic, which language are you thinking in?

Mostly English. If I’m in a rush to note an idea, I might write it in French cause it’s quicker but it doesn’t feel natural. Although I think this is mostly related to the specifics of GG being a show that I’ve only watched in English, so I basically have no reference to it in another language. It would just feel weird to translate it for me.

Also I think that this is something that sort of evolved? Like, I’m so used now to write in English that the words come out of my brain super easily for me to write them down so I don’t need to think too hard about it. When I wrote my first fic, it’s fairly possible that I outlined a bit of it in French, though.

When planing a fic, which language are you thinking in?

Not sure that I see the difference between planning and outlining, haha!

So, same answer.

Is the first draft in your native language, or is it in English?

English. I never write anything gg-related in French.

What do you of your English?

Okay, I’m not a native so I might be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that a verb is missing here... 😂😂

So I assume that you meant how good I self-evaluate my English?

Well. Frustratingly never as good as I wish it was, obviously. Especially when I compare it to other non-natives’.

But also. I’m aware that I grew up in a country where foreign languages teaching programs are shitty, as opposed to other European countries like Netherlands for instance (it’s changing now for younger generations, due to the mainstream use of internet and Netflix, but my generation could spend fifteen years without ever hearing authentic English).

This British lady I met in Thailand once told me: “Your English is amazing... for a French person!” which I think sums it up pretty well.

Also, I think that for me the hardest part is no longer in the language itself, rather than in the subtext. The cultural references. The humour. The connotations. Sometimes I can’t tell if someone is joking or not, or I discover that some words I regularly use have historical negative connotations for instance, which I didn’t know.

So I’m pretty sure that my English is good, but my meta-English is quite wobbly  tbh 😂😂

  I’ll tag @missmaxime @inyoursheets @juuuunaaaaoooo @bathroombreaks  @fondful and anyone else who wants to play (including native speakers! Please tell us which exotic languages you like to write your first draft in!!)

[terrainofheartfelt]

here’s a though i’ve been pondering over - if the main characters from gg were musicians, what type of musicians do you think they would be? like in terms of what genres they would play in, artists that you think they’d be like, etc.

Wow anon this is exactly my brand i love you for asking this. Buckle up this post shalt be long >:)

(I know many of the cast have had music careers but I’m not really that up on them, this is more my impressions of their characters than them.)

I’ll start with the Humphreys bc they are the ones I’ve thought about the Most.

Like, I see Dan as the folk-punk type, a poet-with-a-guitar type. Frank Turner and Brian Fallon are two of my favorite songwriters, and their writing has a very Dan Humphrey Professional Yearner kind of vibe (And when I’m writing Dan-centric fic which is all my fic tbh I listen to them A Lot). Hozier and Phoebe Bridgers also carry a similar energy, though Hozier is more on the blues/folk side & Bridgers is more indie pop meets country. He’s mostly a guitar guy, but has the skill to branch out into other similar instruments, (he gets a banjo and mandolin just for the challenge). Ivy and I have talked a lot about the idea of pianist!Dan, which I also find v appealing, but I haven’t thought much beyond: Dan playing this Chopin...

Jenny, my best girl, I’ve thought about it and exchanged many a message with @bisexualdanhumphrey about Jen. She has this fascinating, bluesy & raw kind of voice. She’s a vocalist primarily, but can play her way through most chord progressions on a keyboard, she has a ukulele that she loves. Really, she can pick up an instrument for an afternoon and do pretty well, which annoys her brother to no end (“I’ve been playing for 12 years and she figures it out in a day?!”). As for musical acts I think are similar I always come back to Stevie Nicks and Halsey, for the vocals and the vibes. There’s actually an artist I’ve been really into lately called Susan O’Neill (she goes by SON some places) and when I listen to her I think “That’s Jenny’s voice”

Throwing Eric in bc I don’t have much to say about him, but I made him Beth in my Little Women au and I loooooooooved writing baby virtuoso Eric. Eric & Liszt. That is all.

Vanessa is a drummer in my brain. Like a pop-punk drummer. Ivy actually has this fic in which she plays piano in a band which is an idea I also love - like a Carole King/Sara Bareilles kind of vibe. Maybe she joins her sister’s band? Vanessa and Dan on tour with Ruby, picture it…

Blair as a musician I imagine a couple of ways. If we’re going the classical route, I can see her being really into something that requires a lot of technical skill, like the harp. (Slightly related: listen to this performance, the harp is so gorgeous I love it.) Ooh OOH, and from being a harpist she goes to become a conductor. I can SO see Blair Waldorf as an orchestra conductor. If we’re going a more pop route, I think Blair’d be like one of her beloved chanteuses, singing jazz standards and French classics a la Edith Piaf, or like Robyn Adele Anderson, or like Zoey Deschanel in She & Him (an au of Dair as She & Him…?)

Serena is another enigma. The easy answer would be to go with S the pop diva. I’ve said before that Kesha’s whole journey as an artist really resonates with Serena’s character, so I could see that—the character of the “party girl” that evolves into this lovely, zany blend of pop & country & rock & whatever the hell she wants. (Cowboy Blues is literally a SVDW character study. All of High Road is honestly) The other idea I had when I got this ask is Serena the Band Kid. But I see her going for the low brass section, bc the chillest, most easily charismatic people I know have been low brass players. Just, Serena playing trombone and euphonium makes me very happy.

Nate...idk, friend. He doesn’t particularly strike me as the artsy type, like he would play an instrument because his parents made him (reccing yet another Ivy fic because they Get It). I could see him doing something low key, like playing bass maybe in the band I made Dan, Vanessa, and Jenny form above. Bass is also like, the steady supportive thing in an ensemble, which I think suits our Natie. Or, if Nate were a band kid with Serena, I could see him doing something himbo-ish like drumline.

I am first and foremost an opera person, and a fun habit me and my friends have is thinking about “if this were an opera, what voice types would the characters be?” (my college roommate and I spent a whole evening brainstorming Mean Girls the opera once--before the musical was even a thing, so fight me Tina Fey), so I have thought a bit about that too…

Like Nate is def a lyric baritone, because they are the himbos of opera: comedic, handsome, drink the respect women juice-- a la Figaro in Barber or Escamillo in Carmen. Dan is a Puccini spinto tenor (more on the Rondine & Boheme side of the spectrum). Because of the Pining. Blair is a soprano, like a Musetta or Donna Anna or Marschallin or Magda in Rondine: romantic, but can cut a bitch. Serena is a Rossini mezzo, like Rosina or Cenerentola: bubbly, charismatic, kind, loves to pull one over on men. Jenny is a mezzo of the kind I’d like to call Gay, like Komponist or Octavian in Rosenkav - a bit more dramatic and nothing heterosexual about em. Vanessa is also a mezzo (I am one too, okay #lowvoicesupremacy) like, Susan Graham.

[austennerdita2533]

A/N: Just a Literati trifle in celebration of GG’s 20th Anniversary Week. I still have another chapter or two to write but I wanted to get this out before the event officially ended. (Canon compliant + OS + divergences)

Also here: (AO3)

Enjoy! 

xx Ashlee Bree

An Archive of Words Between Us

One day, many weeks into it but still no closer to clarity about what it is between them, Rory does what she does best: she makes a list.

Marked at the beginning, from when she and Jess first met, she soon starts to add to it with frightening regularity. A new entry comes any time there’s news, insight, questions, or growing confusion to report. She writes it all down. Out. She compiles everything in a beat-up old notebook she’s taken to carrying around.

Over the years that follow it becomes a confessional of sorts for her, a still developing story. She reaches for a pen whenever the mood strikes, and writes…then writes some more…

Committing to paper all the things they’ve said to each other over the course of their history, as well as many of the things they didn’t.

- i. things we said when we were strangers -

“Hey, Dodger, wait a minute,” she calls out before he disappears behind the gazebo. “Is this a gimmick of yours? Do you always write margin notes in the books you steal from strangers?”

Jess stops. Casts a cursory glance over his shoulder before turning back around with hands in his hoodie pocket.

“Depends, I guess.”

“On?”

“Does it matter?”

Rory shrugs.“You could be a literature-defacing miscreant on the lam for all I know. Your face might be tacked to Wanted posters all over New York City. I’ve got to edge my bets, protect my assets.”

“What,” he says, “you aiming to sentence me without a trial or something?”

“Thinking about it.”

“Wow. I can’t believe you’re going to bust out the cuffs already, Judge Judy,” he chuckles, raising his hands in supplication before rocking backwards on his heels like he’s been shot. “That’s not very neighborly.”

“Sounds like there’s evidence to be had if I dig a bit.” A pause. A teasing quirk of an eyebrow. “Is there?” she asks.

Though he stays silent at this, a spark of something catches deep in his dark eyes as their gazes meet, and Rory's stomach flips.

“Well?”

“You tell me,” he says, all smooth and inscrutable and James Dean cool as hell.

“I’m no Agent Scully at the FBI, but the truth is out there. Don’t think I won’t uncover it,” Rory replies, her wit flowing strong and sure. “If I think it’s warranted I could hire Kirk to lay chase for a while…he likes detecting. Takes payment in Skittles, too. Boxes of which I will have no trouble acquiring, I assure you.”

“Who the hell’s Kirk?”

“Let me worry about that,” she beams back at him coyly, bouncing the book he’d pilfered earlier against her hip.

“Save your Skittles, concerned citizen. I’m clean.”

“Oh, yeah? And why should I believe you when I hold proof to the contrary?”

“Because—” Ambling backwards in the middle of the street, a crooked smirk forms along the corner of Jess’s mouth as he gives her one last idle loll of his shoulder. “I only leave notes for people who might appreciate them. Start with the one on page three, by the way,” he adds with a farewell salute. “It’s a doozy.”

Curiosity piqued, Rory ignores the warmth in her chest as she watches him turn to leave a second time. Instead, she buries her nose in the margins of Howl and peruses. Losing herself in his tiny blocked script the whole walk home.

- ii. things we said because we were lying to ourselves -

Pacifying the town's fears about their friendship isn’t easy.

Especially not after Jess outbids her boyfriend at the basket-bidding festival to win an afternoon of her company. Or the night he shows up on her doorstep unannounced, bearing food and intellectual discussion after she swears to everybody else she wanted to spend the evening alone. Or when he wrecks her car on their way back from a spontaneous hunt for ice cream cones.

Then there’s the time she misses Lorelai’s graduation because she’s stuck on a bus next to some scruffy-looking creep who spits chew into a soda can while he mumbles the names of state capitals under his breath in an Appalachian-sounding litany, Rory having skipped town impulsively to visit Jess in the Big Apple after Luke had sent him packing because of an accident that had no real bearing or blame. At least not unless it was half hers to share in, too, in any case.

She expends a lot of energy defending what they are to people. Clarifying what they’re not.

Pretty soon a truncated version of the truth skips from her mouth like a message she’s spent months concocting, memorizing, and then recording, with her smart enough not to speak it aloud until it sounds convincing. And it does. She makes sure of it.

Tensions abate after that, for a time. Mostly because of the distance.

Mom and Dean, in particular, seem to breathe easier with so much of it stretched between them. They’re much happier once Jess is no longer there to lurk around Luke’s, or clog the aisles of Doose’s, or stake out chalkperson outlines on the sidewalks of town where he can draw her closer to him. Too close for comfort, as far as anyone else is concerned. Even if his only aim in doing so had been to imbibe her in intellectual conversation.

Rory finds it funny how his absence from Stars Hollow makes it both easier and harder for her to placate everyone’s misgivings. The words may be simple to say, but the meaning behind them feels deflated. Half-bodied at best.

Like calculus, it causes her headaches. Forces her to work twice as hard to make everyone believe she doesn’t care that he’s gone and likely never coming back again. That the vacant space he’s left behind doesn’t sting whenever her gaze passes over it, remembering.

Exhausting though it is, however, she does her best. She makes the effort.

She starts by dolling out extra attention and assurances to Dean about her commitment to him. To their relationship. Then she pivots around mention of Jess’s existence to her mom because she knows she doesn’t approve of him let alone agree about any of his good qualities. With Lane, she focuses on school and Mrs. Kim and music they can add to her floorboard collection. And in front of Luke, so as not to burden him with more disappointment, she acts as if nothing is different. Pretends that nothing much has changed.

Omission quickly becomes a habit for Rory. A way of life.

Only once does exposure threaten to spoil everything when her mom confronts her openly one afternoon about a placeholder that’s slipped out of her copy of For Whom The Bell Tolls.

“It’s nothing,” Rory says as she makes a quick grab for it in the kitchen and blushes.

“Really? Because nothing to me looks a hell of lot like a paper plate fragment. One that’s smudged in pizza grease and blue scribbles.” Laughing, completely unaware of her daughter’s wide-eyed discomfort and humiliation, Lorelai hands it back to her without inspecting it closely. “I’m surprised by your choice is all. Messy and makeshift isn’t your typical bookmark M.O., hun.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when Paris accosts you at the break bell. You drop things. People jump, drinks spill. Beloved bookmarks go soaring…”

“Ah. I take it she was yelling in dog decibels again?”

“More like she put out an APB on all aliens living a few hundred million lightyears away and then gave them exact shouting coordinates for where to find her. So same difference, really.”

Her mom snorts. Passes over the ranch dressing.

“She’s a pill, that one. I’m telling you Pink wrote that song with her in mind.” Shaking her head, Lorelai closes the fridge behind her as she bites into another French fry. “So how’d you come by the plate?” she asks, her mouth full.

“It was spontaneous. I was running late so I nicked it from the cafeteria on my way out,” Rory lies, knowing full well Chilton never dispenses paper or plastic dishes for dining.

“Oh.” Her mom considers this. “Well, I suppose there were times even Madeleine Albright couldn’t find anything better to use in a pinch. That was very…replateful of you.”

“What can I say,” she exhales with relief, feigning amusement as her fib is accepted with alacrity, “the Forks was with me.”

“Only the Forks? Don’t tell me you’re leaving out the spoons and the knives. How could you?” says Lorelai, aghast, as she scoops stray kitchen utensils to press them against her chest in a bodily cuddle. “It’s cutlery discrimination!”

“No, it’s punning.”

“Says who?”

“Me.” A pause. A nibble of pizza. “Also, Shakespeare would agree.”

“Psssh, Shakespeare! That old killjoy,” her mom says dismissively, rolling her eyes in good humor as she tucks a box of strawberry Pop Tarts under her armpit and motions toward the living room. “What’s that you have written on the inside there, anyway? French? Calculus? Rolling Stone lyrics? A blueprint for the evil plan you’ve hatched to shoot Grandma to the moon? I’m dying to know.”

Waving her off, Rory tucks the shard back into the spine of her book where it belongs. Hiding it from view. “It’s for school,” she assures her as they settle onto the sofa.

“So tell me about it. I don’t care if it’s boring.”

“Pass.”

“Come on! I could use a good Chilton-instigated snooze.”

“Too bad. No beauty naps for you.”

Lorelai pouts, fake affronted. “Rude!”

(Turns out that ‘shard,’ that ‘thing for school’ which is stuck between the pages of Rory’s Hemingway, isn’t boring at all. In fact, it has a history. A story. The truth is it’s a souvenir she’s saved ever since she and Jess talked books over pizza at Antonioli’s on basket-bidding day.

Toward the end of the meal he’d ripped off a piece of plate so he could jot down his phone number and a quote. Only sliding it into her hand, folded in half, crinkled up like a note passed between desks at school, in the moments before they parted ways and headed home.

It’s stupid she’s kept it. She realizes that now. Stupider still to slip it between the pages of each new book she reads or unfurl it in the privacy of her bedroom to puzzle out if the line he’d included from A Moveable Feast is meant to have double meaning:

“We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and [liked] each other,” it reads.

Stupidest of all, she can’t seem to bring herself to stop looking at it. To throw the darn thing away. A note…a number…a greasy sliver of paper plate!)

“Like I said, Mom,” Rory swallows before smiling over at her convincingly, “it’s nothing. Really.”

- iii. things we said on the verge (of something) -

In early June, Sookie’s wedding day arrives.

Things are static again. Serene. Normal.

Granted, slight changes do sprinkle into the mix here and there because of her dad’s presence, because Dean holds her a little tighter around the waist now than he once did, but mostly it’s the same here as it’s always been. Pleasant people fade into gossip and nonsense while fun blurs into peculiarity.

Life feels simple once more. A tad plain and colorless, maybe, but simple.

Then Jess returns to town on a whim or a fluke or a who the devil knows what he’s thinking and everything goes sideways, pear-shaped, belly-up-and-down in seconds because this is the last thing she’d been been expecting and suddenly the only thing that registers is the length of the grass plus the number of steps it will take to close the distance between them. All that matters is he’s here, he’s back, he’s near enough to touch, and she’s smiling so hard she can hardly breathe as she drinks him in from head to foot like a glutton: her pulse leaping, her heart lurching free from the cage of her chest.

The whole world tilts. Collapses. The pale yellow of the sun shines down like a spotlight so it’s only a rippling alcove she sees. Just him, just her. Just them canopied beneath these flittering fronds of green.

Any rational thought Rory possesses scatters across the wind with the pollen. And then before she knows it, the ground tilts out like a ramp underfoot.

It pushes her forward. Outward. Sliding her toward him until she’s thrust and tangled in his arms with no memory at all of how she got there, or why their mouths feel so hot and wanton like this, so damn unsatisfied. It all seems impossible considering they’re still pressed together in a kiss that can only be described in one way: illicit.

“Not a word,” Rory pants when they stop and Jess pulls back, his jaw taut, his expression shuttered, to nod once understanding.

“Okay,” he says.

“Promise me.” The huskiness of her voice feels at odds with this demand, with the trembling fist she still has curled in the lapel of his jacket, but she cannot think about her stinging mouth or his tongue right now so she clings to desperation instead. “Can you do that?”

“Okay,” he repeats, all eyes, eyes, eyes. And with that single look, she forgets to breathe let alone digest anything he’s promised.

In the end, it’s an impulse that overtakes them not a decision. It’s a moment of clandestine passion they share, not a confession that will alter the circumstances any.

And yet it’s guilt, not regret, that begins to pull like an anchor in her belly until she’s running in shoes that chafe the back of her heels. It’s terror and confusion, not apology, that ripples along her nerve endings until she’s dashing through the trees like a coward or a swindler because she needs to believe behind her there’s still a haven of black and white she can cross with both feet.

Only when Rory stops does she feel the change. Does she discern the difference. It takes one sting, one breathless stitch in her side, for her to know she’s tumbled forward into color without noticing.

Looking down, and there it is. His name already singed across her chest in scarlet letters.

- iv. things we whispered on the hood of your car -

“Tell me something no else knows.”

“About what?” he asks around midnight the following April, the two of them sprawled on the hood of his car at a deserted rest stop off the I-95 on their way back from a concert in the city.

“You, silly.”

“Funny you’re thinking about penning my biography already, Churchill. I’m honored, truly, but aren’t I too young for that sort of enumeration?”

With a roll of her eyes plus a protracted har-har, Rory lifts their intertwined hands, watching, mesmerized, as their fingers thread then unthread as they lay side-by-side parked beneath the Big Dipper in this forsaken parking lot. Though they’ve been together about six months now, prying Jess open has been slow work. It’s like taking a crowbar to cement: one chip, one crack, one crumble at a time.

“Stop deflecting, Mariano,” she warns. “Evasion’s for chumps.”

“Fine,” he sighs. She presses a kiss of reward against his knuckles before curling tighter into his side. “How about this: every year roughly sixteen hundred people in New York City are bitten by other humans.”

“Bitten?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“That’s just it,” he says in his best horror story voice, “could be vampires, could be cranky commuters, could be urban mania or road rage…nobody knows.”

“Oh, please. As if I’d let you off the hook with that obvious dodge. You’re killin’ me here, Smalls!” Rory says with an elbow rib and tsk. “Second of all, you so made that biting thing up.”

When she edges her head back onto his shoulder to look at him, Jess drags his pointer finger down her forehead before bopping her affectionately on the nose, his expression neutral.

“Didn’t you?” He shrugs in that cute off-the-cuff way of his then smirks into her hairline. “That’s unbelievable!”

“It is what it is.”

“So, what,” she says as she throws her leg over his hip to lug him closer, her arm already stretched out across his middle, “is there a case of zombiepox going around that the CDC has neglected to inform us about? Because I’ve got to tell you if that’s so then I’ll need an inoculation ASAP, mister! Frazzled, bloodshot, and half-rotted is not a good look for me. It just isn’t.”

“Oh, I know.”

“Hey!” she exclaims.

“No offense, critter of Frankenstein,” he chuckles, absorbing her retaliatory swat with a grunt and rolling her further on top of him, “but I’ve seen you pre-coffee. It isn’t pretty. We’re talkin’ bolts out your neck, monster glares, frothing purple mouth and everything.”

“Yeah, yeah. Keep up your running tally and you might find I bite you next. Rory the Ripper does have a nice alliterative ring to it—you best remember that,” she warns all narrowed eyes and silky breath and arms folded under her chin.

Jess cocks his left eyebrow, brushes his thumb over her bottom lip. “Idle threats don’t scare me, Gilmore.”

“They should.”

“Maybe.” A lazy grin forms at the edges of his mouth. “But yours don’t.”

“Fine,” she blows out a breath. With her head resting in the center of his chest, Rory fixes him with one long steady look, her voice dropping an octave lower as it drains free of sarcasm to assume a more serious edge. “Name one thing that does then. That scares you, I mean,” she says.

He doesn’t answer right away. In fact, he fidgets so long beneath her that by the time he settles with his hands clasped behind his head, lost in thought and translation, peering up at the sky, she’s half convinced that silence or deflection is the best she can hope to expect from him in reply.

Reticence is a quality she’s come to recognize in Jess. It’s one she can reflect back at him in part because they’re both cut from the same quiet, introspective cloth. However, it’s also one that restricts her access to his thoughts and feelings when she most wants it, and that can take a toll. Makes her wonder if they’re parked at different weigh stations in this relationship or not.

It’s bizarre to reconcile how she can understand him so well in some contexts, to the point where she can predict his next reaction or sense a good joke hanging in the periphery that's about to descend; while in others, he’s a total head-scratcher. Like a Sudoku puzzle with numbers that don’t add up to anything.

The silence between them continues to stretch. It becomes an awkward, formless wall.

The stillness, too, which is illuminated only by the light of the moon and the faint din of the car radio, hangs between them until he draws her up his body and folds her over him with a green plaid blanket. His fingers tracing languid strokes up and down her spine.

“Swans,” he says at last, his tone subdued. Scratchy. “Swans scare me.”

“What else?”

“Tennis balls. They’re too small and fast as they zip past. I hate how they can leave imprints on your face like ugly yellow snitches.”

“Okay then. Weird but fair. What else?” Rory asks all warmth and eagerness, her eyes searching his for something he wouldn’t want to slip free.

“Pennywise.” Though she snickers at that, it’s a valid fear. Clowns unsettle her, too. Evil ones especially. She’d had nightmares for eight months after she’d read Stephen King’s It for the first time, and had taken to sleeping with the bedside lamp on for years.

“Anything more?” she asks.

“Cricket bats.”

“Ooh-ho!” Poking him, “So Mrs. Kim got to you, did she?”

“Listen, I tried to be cool and unaffected but who knows what would’ve become of my head if she’d taken a swing with that thing?” Jess shudders at the same time she imagines Humpty Dumpty and laughs. “Jeez.”

“Things would’ve gotten messy,” she adds honestly.

He stalls a moment, then blinks back at her all wariness to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “How messy are we talking here?”

Rory cocks her head and bites the corner of her mouth, musing. “Think pumpkins.”

“Smashed ones?”

“Yep.”

“Figures,” he mutters miserably.

With an encouraging pat, “Don’t worry, I would’ve stepped in before Mrs. Kim buried your handsome yet indignant face beneath the floorboards or behind a brick wall in the catacombs with Fortunato. It’s the least I could do since I sort of like you and all.”

“Sort of?” Jess asks.

“Yeah. I’m no unreliable narrator girlfriend who'd escort you to your doom, you see. I’d much prefer to keep you,” she says with an adoring grasp and swivel of his chin, which he deflects by tickling her breathless as she bends down over him.

“Gee thanks, Casper. Nice to know you care about me.”

“Not about you exactly,” she teases, her flip-floppy giggles still piercing the air. “Just your head.”

That stops him. “My head, huh?”

“Sure.” Still a little breathless, she reaches toward him to fist her fingers through thick black tendrils along his nape. “It’s pretty.” She gives the strands a little tug. “Full of thoughts I’m hoping to pilfer for further study.”

“You know, I always thought there was some hoodlum in your DNA. Now I’m convinced,” he says as he leans over to commence the tickling again. “And you will pay."

The two of them continue to roll then thump against his windshield all elbows and knees until the levity starts to leaden and transform. As Jess reaches over to cup her cheek, their gazes meet in the silvery darkness and hold, kindling like flint.

Quiet washes over them again for a moment. Only this time, it’s bloated; it’s heavy. It’s a mess of a hundred thousand decipherable something’s teetering on the precipice of expression.

A flicker of alarm passes over his features as he frames her face with his hands, palms flat against the car. He hovers aloft, unsure. Indecision mixes with fear to tangle with retreat even as gravity beckons him nearer, his head dropping low enough for their foreheads to touch.

“I sort of like you, too, you know,” Jess breathes softly, his lips lowering to press against her mouth in a quick but lingering kiss. “A lot.” His jaw clenches. “Maybe too much.”

Suddenly there’s a tightrope pulled taut and vibrating in every direction because there’s no shrinking back from the dense electricity pulsating between them. There’s no more room to dance around unnamed emotion whenever it identifies itself in blown pupils, in a bobbing Adam’s apple, in hands that slip and slide until they fit together like aligning planets.

In that instant Rory knows. She knows right then and there she’s falling in love with him, that she’s half fallen already. And it’s both a revelation and a fact so natural she can feel the truth of it whistling from deep in her bones.

Looking nervous, vulnerable, more fragile than she’s ever seen him, he swallows hard then shifts to squint out at the shadowy tree line while scratching at his nape. “It’s just…so many people have treated me like garbage that all I know how to do is spoil things. I destroy, Rory—ruin what’s good. It’s what I do best. It’s all I know. I’m trying here and all, but I…don’t know how to do this,” he says, gesturing lamely between them. “How to do us right.”

“Hey now,” she thumbs his cheek, tries to turn his head back toward her but it won’t budge, and neither will he. “That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about. Go easy on him, will you?” He nods into her palm, softening a little. The tension leaves his body as he gathers her in his arms again, her head conforming to the crook of his neck, but she’s not convinced all is well yet.

“There’s no rulebook or anything,” Rory says placatingly. “We’ll figure it out together, okay? You and me.”

“Yeah.”

“We will,” she says with an emphatic, assuring squeeze. “I know we will.”

With a caustic laugh, a heavy sigh, he runs his teeth over his lip, “I’m a screw up, Rory.”

“Hey. Not true.”

“I am.” Jess sounds so resigned, so convinced, it ties her into knots thinking he sees himself that way.

“Not to me, you’re not.”

“No,” he says with a deadened inflection, with a sad downturn of his mouth. “Not to you.”

Frowning, she feels his cynicism, his self-deprecation, descend like a slash across the gut. Helpless to do anything but try to be a soft place for him and his insecurities to land, she pulls him toward her, embracing him, quieting him, caring for him more with each passing second even though a warning gong goes off in her heart when she leans in to steal another kiss.

“Maybe I’m not a screw up to you yet,” he whispers, “but I could be at another time. On another day.”

“Stop,” Rory declares forcefully, holding her finger against his lips so he knows she means it.

Jess relents. “Okay,” he sighs. “Just know I’ll get it if you change your mind.”

- v. things we cried out at a crossroads -

Strained.

Silent.

Distant.

Those are the best adjectives to describe the status of her and Jess’s relationship as the bus pulls away from the curb a couple weeks later. After the party from hell. From her place on the sidewalk, her chest full of a heaviness she can’t name, Rory stares after it - after him - with little to no regard for the hour’s lateness or for the morning bell which signals the start of homeroom.

It’s the middle of May. That means finals, graduation, and summer loom on the periphery but she doesn’t care. None of it resonates. In the background she can hear Paris barking orders at a few trembling freshman and minted sophomores, but she does nothing to intervene. She makes no move to prevent her frenemy’s yellow journalistic splatter from crushing the innocents to smithereens.

Instead, she watches the hum and bump of the vehicle’s dusty rubber wheels as they roll down the street. She tracks the plume of smoke swirling from the exhaust pipe into the sky, which clouds over with blacks and grays instead of with clearing blues and radiant yellows. She waits until the bus turns left, its engine loud, roaring, to putt around the corner. Disappearing from view.

I hope he calls later, she thinks with a pang, with an iota of hope. We need to talk soon.

Rory’s eyes want to keep traveling with him long after he’s gone. So do her feet. They seek to follow along wherever Jess has gone, to ride beside him until they’re able to make sense of this mess between them and fix it. Fix them again.

Unfortunately for them both, they don’t. And it’ll be some time before they can, let alone before they do.

[marychronicles]

The Sunday Currently | 08

Wow. I can’t hardly believe that it’s the first Sunday of 2018 and I’m writing my first proper blog post for the year. How’s the first week of the year holding you up, babies? I’ve had a pretty great and happy start this year, compared to my previous New Years. The only thing that’s changed is that, I am not writing the NY resolutions anymore, I feel like I’m too old for that haha but I’m definitely killing some old habits & staying away from my phone as much as possible. I’m also planning for a quick “get away from the city” trip this year with my Family of course. How about you guys? What are your plans for 2018?

CURRENTLY

Writing

- hmm.. absolutely nothing, sadly. Except for this one obviously; I know I’ve mentioned that I’m serious about writing, but you know, I have no idea why it’s a challenge for me. Time management is the key, I’ve been exhausted (from work) and lazy all at once. I feel sorry for myself. I haven’t even started on the third chapter of the short story I told you guys about; but I’ll let you know if I’ll ever make progress on that.

Reading

- a newly discovered blog by Steph (socialspying.com) she’s an amazing blogger and you should check her blog and follow her on social media. (Don’t tell her I said this haha)

- tweets from @FemaleBloggerRT. This is where I’ve discovered Steph’s blog and I’m also discovering a lot of female bloggers who are just so amazing at what they do. If you fancy blogging or you just started blogging, I think you might want to check this account.

Watching

- BLACK MIRROR!!! Lollies, I’m obsessed with this one. I’ve only got few episodes; I’ve watched the whole 3 episodes from Season 1, I have one episode from Season 2; and 2 episodes from it’s latest season w/c is the fourth one. I’ve watched the first episode from the 4th season too. But my favorite episode is “The Entire History of You” it’s the last episode from Season 1. Where everyone has access to a memory implant that records everything humans do, see and hear. It made me feel that it could be happening these days because Black Mirror was released in 2011. It’s futuristic and I love it.

- Girlboss. I’m on the 8th episode. :) Sophia is my spirit animal!

- Gossip Girl Season 5 & 6. Yes babies! I’m almost done with GG haha you might be thinking that I’m crazy for watching all three series at once but I do enjoy it you know? It’s like, my way of staying out of the social world even if it’s just for a couple of hours.

- Before Sunrise. I LOVE THIS MOVIE FOREVS!!! ETHAN HAWKE IS DADDY! I love Julie Delpy too. She’s beautiful. Their story is so moving and I half wish that I could be like Céline, she’s smart, spontaneous and an adventuress; I’ve always wanted to be like that. I wonder if there’s something like Céline and Jesse in real life.

Listening

- “Soul Lounge” on Spotify. This playlist is sex to my ears. My top picks are: “Penthouse Floor” “Backseat” “Grey Luh” “Turnin’ Me Up” “Cranes in the Sky” “Come Through and Chill” and a whole lot more.

- “Gold Edition” on Spotify. This one is like, the twin of “Soul Lounge” but it’s mostly R&B jams & only it has my all time faves like, “Body Party” by Ciara, “Drunk in Love” by Beyoncé ft Jay-Z “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey and of course, “Hotline Bling” by Drake.

- “The Ones that Got Away” also on Spotify. This playlist came out when my Top Songs 2017 was made; but I was never able to listen to it ‘til last Tuesday. Well it’s the playlist consists of music that you wish you had known earlier last year. I must say it’s pretty impressive. My top picks: “I’m a Fan” by Pia Mia ft Jeremih & “Just Dance” by HONNE.

Loving

- my baby girl’s Baby Mossimo blue dress, it’s a gift from one of my closest friends. It’s the cutest sailor-like dress I’ve ever seen.

- Benefit Cosmetics’ POREfessional face primer. It saves my face from being so cakey the whole day. My make up stays a lot longer with this one. God, I’m such a late bloomer for discovering the powers of a face primer 😂

- the clothes, bags and the pair of shoes I just bought from the thrift shop the other day. Thank heavens for thrift shops! It saves a lot of money hahaha plus, you can get everything at such a cheap price you know? Not to mention, the clothes there are way better than the ones at the mall. So, why shop at the malls when you have a thrift shop nearby? #justsaying

Needing

- to save money for my daughter’s future, books, travels and more.

- to put a stop hoarding unwanted/un-needed make up/cosmetics hehee

Feeling

- blessed and grateful 😄

Thinking

- if I should go to LANY’s concert later this year. Thinking if saving up for LANY’s ticket concert is worth it. I have no idea if it’s really worth my time; I wanna see them so bad! I feel like this is my only chance to get to see them perform ever. I guess I need more time to think about it.

- about what our future is going to be like especially this year. Like man, I don’t wanna go broke and have nothing at all; that’s why I really need to freaking save every penny that’s left at the end of the day. We’re not that broke, we just don’t know how to spend money wisely, well that’s going to change this year. I have to be frugal, I mean it this time.

- about re-writing my about me page, gosh I need to do it right this time. I NEED TO WRITE. I NEED TO WRITE!

I know what’s been keeping me busy lately (besides from work) and is also the main reason I can’t focus on my writing; blame it on Netflix for being so amazing because I just keep on watching my fave TV series or movies from there. Well.. here’s what you should know about me too: I try to do everything whenever my daughter is fast asleep; I read, watch, listen to music everytime I have the chance to. Having a toddler means having less time for yourself and more time for the kid that you’re taking care of. Not that I don’t like that, I love taking care of my daughter of course. It’s just that, whenever I have my free time, I don’t write at all. I tend to do something else and I don’t know why is that, but it’s what I do. I guess I really am a lazy daisy. I can’t help it. There’s something I need to get rid of if I want to focus on writing right? Hmm.. is this means bye-bye, Netflix??? I’m gonna have to keep you posted on this babies!

In the mean time, I just wish you all a great and productive week ahead. Remember to always hold your head high!!

xoxo, Mary.

Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathorton!

[gokailyger84]

Had another dream that I turned into a trafficked AU

Shortly after Brian receives the news that he got the teaching job in London, he suddenly disappears.  No trace of him can be found.  There is no evidence of a struggle in his home.  His friends have all been questioned, including Dan, who is devastated.  He had been feeling bitter that Brian was leaving him and their band and for his best friend to just vanish, Dan couldn’t help but feel guilty, like it was somehow his fault Brian was gone.

Years pass and Brian is still missing.  The case had been closed due to lack of evidence and its assumed that Brian had just run off.  Speculation that the stress from his studies had pushed him over the edge.  

Dan doesn’t really believe that but he doesn’t have any other explanations.  He ends up moving on with his life.  The desire to make another band not appealing to him.  He just knows that the band with Brian was the one that would have eventually worked out.  Having that cut short with Brian’s disappearance has zapped the will to try again from him.  He still writes songs for N/S/P in his spare time, even though he knows he will never use them.  

Dan still ends up on GG,Ross having seen the few videos Dan and Brian made on you/tube resulting in Arin reaching out to Dan, but he also works with Vernon on HPG.  

Brian is kind of a taboo subject, Dan having difficulty talking about him.   He does open up about a desire to try music again but he’s not sure where to start now.  Arin suggests doing a video game rap group.  They just need to find someone to do the music. Arin suggests some of the musical you/tubers he knows.  Dan tells him he’ll think about it.  

One night Dan is out with some of his friends and they are out in the shady part of L.A.  Dan still has some of his questionable habits lingering. The end of N/S/P  quelling Dan’s desire to completely change for the better.  He and his friends end up at an underground bar.  At least that’s what it looks like on the surface.  They are taken down to a basement.  Dan is feeling nervous and wants to leave.  One of his friends tells him they will be in and out real quick, they just need to pick up something.  Dan trails behind as they come to a room with a line of large cages. 

As they walk through, to Dan’s horror he sees people inside of the cages.  Turns out the bar they are at is a cover for a human trafficking ring.  Dan really wants to leave when he sees this and that his friend is actually there to buy a person.  He ends up getting threatened into staying with them. Freaked out and being blackmailed to stay, Dan can’t help but look around at the cages.  There’s mostly girls and women with a few boys scattered about.  Dan feels like he’s gonna be sick.  To think people are still doing this kind of thing in this day in age.  He comes up to a cage that is closer to the back, kind of separated from the other cages.  

His breath catches in his throat when he looks through the cage. Leaning against the back bars is a older male. 

Dan moves closer, sure he’s mistaken but no, he’s not.

It’s Brian.  

 The man in the cage is dressed in rags, hanging from his thin frame.  His silverish hair is shoulder length.  His face is covered in a salt and peppered beard.  But his eyes, those sky blue orbs still hold their piercing gaze, though the light Dan remembers has diminished greatly.   Dan can see the moment Brian recognizes him, but he remains silent, just staring at him.

One of the traffickers sees Dan lingering and asks if he’s interested.  

Dan ask what’s the story behind this one.  The trafficker pulls up a file on his tablet and tells him that Brian was picked up seven years ago in has been through many owners.  He says that Brian was very rebellious and had to be trained into submission.  He tells Dan that Brian was trained for hard labor and as a bedroom companion.  Dan has to force himself to not grimace hearing that.  Dan then asks why he is back here and in such poor condition.  The trafficker says there is no longer a demand for Brian’s type and his age makes him undesirable.  Dan asks how much and the trafficker is surprised and says $2000, an embarrassingly low price.  Dan says he’ll take him and makes plans to come back with Arin to get Brian.  Dan’s friends congratulates him on his purchase, thinking he’s come around.  Dan just ignores them, his thoughts centered on getting Brian out of there.

Two days later, Dan returns with Arin, who is still skeptical about what Dan had told him.  He’s considering suggesting Dan go to therapy as Brian has always been a touchy subject for him, but wants to hear him out before jumping to conclusions.  Arin is shocked to see that Dan was right.  This person is Brian, though Arin had never met him in person, he could tell it was him even with the physical differences.   Dan completes the purchase and they dress Brian up in a hoody and oversized jeans, so as to not draw attention.

Once they are in Dan’s car and are driving away, Brian speaks up for the first time, saying ‘it’s been awhile.’ to Dan.  Dan agrees, and tells Brian he missed him a lot.  Brian says he missed Dan too and the rest of the car ride is silent.

Dan ends up dropping Arin off at home, thanking him for coming along and helping to pay for Brian.  Arin is reluctant to leave but Dan assures him that he can handle this and if he needs help he’ll call him.  

Once they get to Dan’s house, Dan leads Brian to the bathroom to get him cleaned up.  The traffickers seemed to not care about Brian’s hygiene or health at all once potential buyers had dried up.

Dan has Brian take a shower and helps him shave and trim his hair.  Dan tries to ignore the fact that Brian doesn’t say anything and seems to wait for Dan to tell him to do something before actually doing it.  Once Brian’s cleaned up, Dan fixes them a meal.  He once again notices that Brian doesn’t start eating until Dan does.  When they’re finished, they go into the living room and sit on the couch.  

The silence stretches between them, Dan not sure how to start.  

“Seven years, huh?”  Dan starts, awkwardly.  Brian nods.  "Yeah…seven years.“   The two men go silent again.  

After a few minutes, Brian looks over at Dan.  "So, what happens now?”  He asks.  Dan looks at him confused.  "What do you mean?“  Brian shrugged, running a hand through his still damp hair.  "Well, if you’re in anyway similar to how I remember you, I’m assuming you didn’t buy me to be your slave.”  

Dan’s eyes widened.  "What!  Of course not, Brian.  You’re my best friend. I bought your freedom.“  Brian let out a dark chuckle, looking down.  "Freedom, huh?  I’m not sure I fully remember what that is.”  

“Brian…” Dan began.  Brian met his eyes.  "I’m serious, Danny.  My life has been hell up until this point.  Sitting here.  Talking to you. This has probably been the most I’ve spoken at once in years.“  Dan scooted closer to Brian, not quite touching but showing his support in presence.  "What happened that day?”  

Brian shook his head.  "I don’t remember.  It was so long ago and so much has happened since then.  I’m actually surprised I survived this long.“   Brian leaned back against the couch cushions.  "You haven’t looked at my file, have you?”  Dan shook his head.  "I guess I was given the cliff notes version.“  Brian nodded.  

“Probably for the best.”  Dan bit his lip, reaching out and taking Brian’s hand. Brian flinched but didn’t move away.  "Can you tell me?“  Brian let out a soft sigh and nodded.  

“None of this will be pretty, Danny.  I was forced to do so many things against my will.  Made into a slave in my 30s!  How fucked up is that?”  Brian stared up at the ceiling, his eyes drifting across the  open blank space. 

“I tried to resist in the beginning, you know how I was.  Always smarting off.  Pushing limits.”  Dan smiled.  "Yeah, you have a way to get under people’s skin.“   Brian smirked, before it fell away to a frown.  "Well, it was a mistake and I paid for it.”  Dan was sure he was going to regret asking but he had to know.  

“Paid for it how?”  Brian’s head lolled to the side facing Dan, his hair falling into his face.  "You know, the usual punishments.  No food or water.  Sometimes beatings.  Most times torture.“  Dan looked at Brian in shock, surprised at how he seemed so nonchalant about it.  

Brian turned away.  "I may not sound like it, Danny but my spirit was broken a long time ago.”  Dan squeezed Brian’s hand in comfort.  He felt Brian’s fingers slowly curl around his.  "I’ve had many ‘Masters’.  I was either a servant or a…concubine.  Sometimes both at once.  Nothing but a piece of property to them.“  Brian eyes slowly closed.  "I’ve wished for death too many times to count.  But all I received was more suffering.”  

Dan felt his heart break.  To think Brian was going through so much, for so long, all alone.  Well, Dan intended to change that.  "You don’t have to suffer anymore, Bri.  You’re free now.  All of that is now in the past.“  Brian sighed.  

"You don’t get it, Danny.  I was molded to be a certain way.  The Brian you knew no longer exists.  He’s not coming back.  That part of me is gone. I don’t even have a life to go back to.  I have nothing.”  Dan frowned sitting up. 

“You still have me, Brian.  Yes, you are different from what I remember.”  He began, making sure his voice was firm and confident.  "But you’re still my best friend.  You’ll always be my best friend and I promise I’ll help you in anyway I can.“  

Brian laughed lightly.  "You’re still just as naïve as I remember.  Always the optimist.  Never willing to give up.”  Dan felt himself beginning to smile.  Brian squeezed his hand.  "I won’t lie.  This isn’t going to be easy.  The things that I’ve had forced into my behavior won’t just disappear.  Habits die hard.  You basically will have to help reprogram me.“  

Dan nodded.  He had no doubt that this would be a daunting task to undertake.  Brian still sounded the same as he remembered, but his mannerisms were very different.  The Brian in Dan’s memories was very confident and dominating.  This Brian was more wary and submissive.  

"There may be moments were I unknowingly slip into the servant mindset and do things that may shock or make you extremely uncomfortable.  Are you sure you can handle that?  The burden that I am?”  

“You’re not a burden, Brian.  What happened to you was not your fault.”  Dan sternly replied.  "I can’t say that I’ll be prepared for everything or that I won’t end up becoming frustrated but I’m going to try and keep trying.  You said that you no longer have a life to go back to.  Well, together we’ll make a new one.  The both of us.  Together.  Best friends forever, right?“ 

Dan then reached over, wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist.  He could feel Brian tense but he still pulled the older man over into his arms for a hug.  

Brian let out a partial laugh.  "Such a sap.”  He said, resting his forehead on Dan’s shoulder.  "Thank you, Danny.“  

[corneliussteinbeck]

How I Found Peace With My Body

About six years ago, I was invited to a pool party with a bunch of my closest friends. Rather than feeling excitement, I was overcome with a sense of dread. Going to a pool party meant wearing a bikini, and I was so incredibly self-conscious that I didn’t go.

That’s right. I missed out on an opportunity to spend time with people I loved because I was that uncomfortable in my own skin.

That day served as a huge wake-up call for me. One of my favorite and most important things in life is sharing experiences with the people I care about, and I knew that if I was turning those down, there was some serious work to do.

Over the last several years, I have spent a lot of time diving in deep to find peace with my body. I want to share some of the things that have been the most helpful for me and for the many women with whom I’ve been lucky enough to work.

Constantly stress about what you’re eating?

We can help! In this FREE blueprint, we offer 4 steps to help you start making peace with food today. The good news? It's simpler than you might think!

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Watch Your Words

In a perfect world, you could make all of your negative thoughts disappear forever with the flip of a switch. However, changing your thoughts actually takes some work. Some people are able to practice making positive affirmations and benefit greatly from them, but in my experience, going from “I hate my body” to “I love my body” can feel out of reach and inauthentic to many people.

If that is the case for you, I encourage you to start noticing the words you use regularly when talking about your body and your appearance. Do you make disparaging remarks about your body to others? Do you disguise the negativity by making jokes about your body or your food choices and how they relate to your body? Many women do this, often without even noticing, because it’s become such an ingrained habit. For many, it just comes with the territory of being a woman: getting together and bonding over our mutual disdain for our bodies.

Altering your language will feel much easier to control than changing your thoughts, especially if you’ve been thinking negative things about your body for a long time.

Your words are powerful. They bring your thoughts and beliefs to life. If you are committed to changing your mindset about your body, start by noticing how you speak about your body, and then give it everything you’ve got to refrain from using negative language. Do your best to refrain from complaining about, or apologizing for your appearance or your body.

Stay Off of the Scale

There was a time in my life when I would roll out of bed every morning, use the bathroom, and then hop onto the scale and see what number appeared. I would then allow that number to completely dictate my mood, and therefore, my whole day. If it was higher than I thought it should be, I felt like a failure. If it was lower than I had guessed it would be, I felt like I was “good.” I had attached my worth to whatever number lit up that silly digital screen each morning. Needless to say, I was a rollercoaster of emotions due to the normal way that the scale can fluctuate by a couple of pounds each day.

Now, listen… I know that for some people the scale can be a completely neutral tool. They can swing 15 pounds in either direction and be completely unfazed by it. I haven’t been one of those people, but if you are, feel free to scroll down to the next section.

If the scale is a constant source of stress for you, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship with it.

You may consider getting rid of it altogether, or, if that feels like too big of a first step, think about making a commitment to weighing in no more than once every two weeks.

If you want to keep the scale in your daily routine even though it’s causing some emotional distress, I will share this with you: in my personal experience, regardless of what number ever appeared, it was still never good enough to bring me to a place of peace with my body. I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who met their goal weight and have said something like, “Huh. I thought I’d feel different at this weight.” That is because finding peace with your body is an inside gig; it’s not a job that a number on the scale will fix.

Ask yourself: is the scale nurturing a healthy relationship with my body, or hurting it? Only you know the answer.

Find Something To Do

One of the best things I’ve ever done to improve my relationship with my body has been finding hobbies. For about a decade, my only hobbies were working out, prepping food, and dieting, all in a quest for the “perfect” body. If I wasn’t working out, preparing food, or eating, I was thinking about it. I would spend all of my free time designing or logging my workouts, planning out my grocery lists and meals, or simply daydreaming about food (mostly because I was always hungry). Interestingly enough, it was that same decade that my relationship with my body was the most unhealthy. Coincidence? No way. My behaviors kept me trapped in the same way of thinking, which was: I’m not worthy just the way I am.

A few years ago, I got fed up with it all and threw myself headfirst into anything and everything that didn’t have a single thing to do with the way my body looked. This meant mountain biking, dirt biking, aerial sports, hiking, and whatever else sounded like a great time. It has been enormously rewarding for me, and I believe it will be for you, too. Even if mountain biking or hiking aren’t your jam, there are plenty of things for you to explore, whether it’s mentally or physically. Consider volunteering, taking an art class, dance lessons, or joining a book club. You’ll be amazed at how refreshing it feels to look forward to things that have nothing to do with the way your body looks.

There is no denying that exercise and great nutrition can be fun, and that’s great! It’s important to be healthy and feel your best, but there is also so much more to enjoy in life than planning your workout schedule, prepping and packing meals, and logging it all — especially if you are working toward creating peace with your body.

What’s your purpose in life?

Hint: It’s not having an ideal body.

Let me start by reiterating that there isn’t a single thing wrong with wanting to change the way your body looks. It’s your body and entirely your business. You get to decide what is best for you. But there is a huge difference between working to make changes, and associating your worth in this world with how your body looks.

Neghar Fonooni recently said something that deeply resonated with me:

“A woman’s primary purpose in life is not to have an ‘ideal’ body.”

So many women become wrapped up in how their body looks, and in their quest to achieve the way that they believe it’s supposed to look, that they lose sight of the fact that they have so much more to offer this world.

I’d love for you to grab a pen and some paper and write down your purpose or the work that you want to accomplish in this world that has nothing to do with your body.

If you get stuck, the following prompts may help you. Feel free to write a full journal entry, jot down single words, or (my personal favorite) create stories using stick figures.

What do you do that make your heart spill over with love?

If I asked the five people closest to you what they love most about you, what would they say?

What are you really, really good at?

What would you do every day for free because you’re so passionate about it?

I understand that finding peace with your body can seem like a lofty goal. But, as with anything else, it becomes easier as you put in the work and chip away at it daily.

My friend, when you embark on this work and find yourself having a harder day, know this:

You are the sum of all of your parts — your heart, soul, brain, muscles, and bones. You are the experiences that you’ve had, the lessons you’ve learned, the emotions you’ve felt, the wisdom you carry, and the love you’ve given and received. You are far too powerful and amazing to distill yourself down to merely your physical appearance.

Love,

Jen

Because we know that women’s relationship with their bodies is often tied to their relationship with food, to further help you on your quest to finding peace, we have created The GGS Blueprint: How to Find Peace With Food, a PDF you can download with action steps that you can take immediately to start improving your relationship with food.

If you find yourself constantly thinking about food — what to eat, what not to eat, what you shouldn’t have eaten, what you want to eat but “can’t,” we can help.

There’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching women constantly get on and off the diet roller coaster, stressing about “good” and “bad” foods, and what they are and aren’t allowed to eat. That’s why we created our FREE Blueprint, How To Make Peace With Food.

In this FREE Blueprint, we detail four actionable steps to help you step off the diet roller coaster and start making peace with food today. The good news? It's simpler than you might think!

Get the FREE blueprint now!

The post How I Found Peace With My Body appeared first on Girls Gone Strong.

from Blogger http://corneliussteinbeck.blogspot.com/2017/05/how-i-found-peace-with-my-body.html

[marsdelapaz-blog]

Looking Back

Note: This post may be filled with Engineering-related stuff

Since many of my friends are asking about how I reviewed for ECE board exams, here goes my post on what happened during the past few months (and maybe some tips that I hope would help):

Becoming a licensed Electronics Engineer is quite hard. It seems true that the exams for this field are really difficult. Talk about studying a very wide scope of subjects from Mathematics, General Engineering and Applied Sciences, Electronics, and Electronic Systems and Technologies... nakakabaliw!

The decision of taking the boards was just sudden. I was supposed to start working already but Mom told me to review first. Luckily, I was a scholar because the team I was part of won during a regional quiz bee back in college. I enrolled in Excel due to tons of free books as perks of being a quizzer.

I can still remember my first day in review center. There was a long queue of students outside the office. It was almost time for the lesson to begin that I and some of the guys I chatted with decided to head first to our classrooms. My section was C4. The room was quiet. I sat in front because of my blurred vision. It was then I met my first set of friends Phoebe and Kuya Anthony. People seemed to be in groups since most of them were from same schools. Fortunately, those two were from different universities too.

During the first few weeks, our classes were only during MWF. After some time, we had a lot of makeup and remedial classes. Since my weekly allowance was not enough, I asked one of the teachers there if I could just sit-in on different sections to catch up with the lessons. It was really tiring to have weekday classes plus exams every Saturday. Talk about commuting, battling the traffic in Dela Rosa and the long lines in bus terminals just to go home transformed me into this everyday haggard look. Also, I was not able to have lunch with that sched that I only brought bread with me as my baon. No wonder I got a lot thinner those days.

I remember my birthday last year, there was no celebration at all. I just went to Greenbelt after my class to go to the chapel. Along my travel from Morayta, I suddenly saw a “pass” writing on one of the UVs. Afterwards, the girl beside me was looking at her license. I hoped that they were God’s signs for me. I told Him that the greatest gift He could give to me is passing the board exams... that all of our sacrifices would be worth it.

Since going to RC was so exhausting, I decided to transfer to section F which is dedicated for those who are working. I didn’t find any difficulties adjusting. My new section is filled with various types of people and with a wider range of ages. At first, I was really nervous on going home since class ends at 9pm every Saturday. I thought it was dangerous and would be hard to find a ride going back to Buendia but it wasn’t actually. I usually arrived at home around 12 midnight. During Sunday, my sched went from 8am until 7pm. So yeah, I only slept for 4 hours or less every Sat back then.

I enjoyed being part of F. I made good friends with people from different parts of the country. They are Dave, Xy, Bob, Arianne, James, Lea, Harold and Orville. One thing we all have in common is that we love eating! We even munched some chips while we sat in front during classes lol. Also, we shared extra infos with what we reviewed. During vacant time, we usually went to Mini Stop to chat about random stuff and to buy more food! We are a happy group that we find a way to laugh no matter how stressful the process went on. We also had a short bond outside Excel and that was after our mock board. As usual, we just had meryenda together. We also attended Victory together. I actually enjoyed worshipping and listening to their preachings (I hope I’m saying the right terms).

As for my study habits, I was able to have more time to read and practice solving because I only had weekend classes. I had longer hours to read pdfs, lecture notes and books. I made my own schedule in which I alternated MATH-ELEX with GEAS-EST combination. I woke up as early as 5:30 or 6 in the morning then I slept at around 12 midnight. I dominated my review with concepts that I made sure to feed my brain with tons of infos everyday. I practiced solving especially in Math cause I felt some trouble in answering complex questions. I also had some 20-30 minutes power naps when it felt like 2 cups of coffee, sweets and spicy chips (especially Ding Dong sweet and spicy... my fave!) can’t help me for the day.

During the review, I became really depressed when I found out my scores during the mock board exam were really low. That was when I told myself to push harder. There were days that I can’t help but breakdown. I am really thankful to have my friends whom I can vent and cry out all my frustrations. When I feel really tired and can’t tolerate headache, I took some time to rest. I watched some Just For Laughs videos on Youtube and read some motivation quotes on Twitter. Afterwards, I resume studying.

As days before boards got nearer, I had less time to relax. I told myself that all these sacrifices would pay off soon. I put my faith in God that He’ll give what’s best for me. I was not able to attend mass every Sunday but I made sure to pray everyday. Some examinees had rituals before boards but I actually didn’t have any (though it seemed like I didn’t cut my hair cause it was said having a haircut would remove good luck but I actually didn’t have time to go to salon lol).

The day before boards, I went to Landayan to pray then afterwards rushed going home to pack my things. Mom let me stay in a transient house near UE (board exams venue) with my Excel classmate Remy who also lives in Laguna. I just scanned my index cards in bed then attempted to sleep at 1am though I had insomnia. Also, our roomie (ugh) had some issues on keeping the lights on that she and my friend almost had a fight.

First day: Remy and I had a short review of notes at 3am then prepared for our exams. I bought breakfast then went to UE. I didn’t bring a jacket and the ac was focused towards my seat that I went to the washroom several times before starting.  Math gave me a headache due to too much symbols. 15 minutes left and I still had some blanks. I just had the shotgun and intelligent guess methods. We were asked to get back to the room early that I ate for less than 30 minutes only. ELEX was okay. Most of the questions were from Gibilisco and luckily, I was able to read the whole file. When I went back to where we were staying. I was super sleepy that I didn’t read my notes much even if I had coffee at night.

Second day: I felt really tired that I wanted to sleep more. Fortunately, Remy woke me up. I spilled coffee on my blouse that I covered it with my jacket. GEAS exam was mostly about Mechanics. I didn’t practice much on that subject but it was my fave when I was in APC back then that I was able to recall how to solve the questions. I wasn’t able to memorize the RA 9292 so I guessed those ECE Laws questions. Those from Engineering Economy were sort of basic. For lunch, I met my mom then she handed me snacks so that I can eat whenever I feel hungry while answering. I felt gg with  EST. I wasn’t able to memorize the formulas especially for Microwave Comms. I just tried answering them based on how I understood the concepts with all the books I read. There was also a time I felt really dizzy that I ate Mcdo flavored fries which really smelled in the whole room btw. Haha! I didn’t consume the whole time for exam that I passed my paper around 4pm. I can still remember my embarrassing moment when I slipped upon going down the stairs and the PRC staff saw me. Grabe. I just told myself that even if such things happened, I’ll still become an engineer.

Third day: Our venue for ECT exam was held in St. Jude. We rode a cab going there as a birthday treat from Xy. The exam had 50 items with some Math and ELEX questions sort of recycled from the ECE boards. I finished around 10:30am. Mom fetched me and we had lunch there with my Dave and Xy from Excel. We went to Recto after for our last bond.

Upon going home after the tiring exams, I felt off when the transient house admin forgot to return my Excel id. I wanted it as a remembrance. I kept on ranting and hoping that it was a sign that I passed. I also deactivated my FB account so that people won’t ask me anything and not to think much about boards.

Days after, our school’s dean invited my thesis mates to participate in a national contest. I then went back to Perps and saw my friends from lower batch. While chatting with some of them, I heard congratulations from those far from me. They were saying that I passed the board exams. At first I thought it was the results for ECT but then I saw with my own eyes that my name was listed on ECE board passers. I was shouting and really happy. My phone and FB were flooded with all the greetings. Our thesis also won 3rd place. It was a super blessed day indeed.

So how did I make it? I just kept on reading and practicing. I gave my best effort no matter how tiring the process was. I maintained being happy even if I was super stressed. During the boards, I imagined myself as just taking a simple test during college. I tried to avoid being nervous. Also, I did not give up in order to fulfill my goal of passing.

Some resources I used:

Math: Gillesania 1 & 2, Excel books, lecture notes

ELEX: Gibilisco, Floyd, Excel books especially Industrial Electronics, lecture notes

GEAS: Excel books, Youtube, IECEP questions, lecture notes

EST: Frenzel, MCQs, Excel books, lecture notes

For the files of those I mentioned (plus those I wished I studied if I had more time), click here.