#also I REALLY WANNA KEEP MAKING MORE THOMAS GEM STORIES AND FNAF AND I'VE GOT SOME WILD SHIT WITH MARIO AND GARFIELD

[nickywhoisi]

Oh god, it’s been a million years on my tumblr. I have still been getting followers steadily, despite my abscense. I’ve gotta admit...it’s felt like I near abandoned it, and I also feel like the follower amount I have is undeserved.

An incalculable amount of things in life have happened. I only have a short amount of time to make this post, and it would be a night mare to read. It has assuredly been a nightmare to experience. I’ve had precious items lost that I’m still trying to reclaim, stinging traumas and upsets that have fallen on holidays when I was planning to have these times as any other would, to relax, countless amounts of chores and errands that I have had to shoulder by my lonesome once again, disquietingly bad interactions with people in any amount of authority, and only recently have I had the miniscule chances to be creative again. I am so glad that I got what I did saved somewhere beyond my now lost laptop...though I only wish I didn’t have to reforge so much of what I didn’t. Still, I’ll try my best.

It may be frowned upon to do a self-diagnosis, but I have just today truly learned about the topic of borderline personality disorder. The condition of feeling giant amounts of emotion at any kind of trigger you could think of, and the intense reactivity that comes with it. I think I may have been showing shades of this quite a few times in the past, and all collected within my gypsy diaries. Something highlighted about bpd that I resonated with far too quickly to ignore is the discomforting trait of having people tend to be overwhelmed by you to the point of losing relationships with people. I had thought that taking a really long time to step away from my poor blog and not have it be a venting station, and not do anything to upset the few healthy interactions I had with people, and give myself time to focus on improving my state of living and build up on my creative works would be the right thing to do. ...Well, I guess it was half good but half bad to do that? I have indeed felt like I can’t ever be wanted, far worse than just like nobody wants me. That there’s this great and terrible internal thing that keeps bursting out during times in which I desire to be more focused and level. Or that I come across truly toxic individuals whom bring out this internal reacitivity in me, but then it gives them a perfect excuse to gaslight me into villainy and they paint themselves as the victims of me. Like I’m the motherfucking big bad wolf. As if that’s realistic behaviour.

But far more important than anything I’ve described is the friendships or small moments of pleasant conversation I’ve had with people here, who also did everything they could to bring me out of the intense misery I was feeling. I’ve never felt more aware of myself now that I almost made them seem sour in my head because of this idea that “they still weren’t seeing the full picture, or reaching the full scope of what I truly need, or still not connecting fully with the sheer capacity of my heart.” But then...I apparently have bpd. Who can match it but me? I shall not say this to sound as if anyone’s supposed to, or dictate anything. I certainly would appreciate it if somebody came along who could, but that’s not my point. I am saying this to record my epiphany, that I was being accidentally unfair to my friends, even while I genuinely love them and appreciate what they’ve tried to do for me so much. I want to be able to grow a little more as the person I am, not to try and reach a state of being that I can never seem to hold on to, and then try to parade this perfected version of myself around to my own friends. I also want to be doing more too; being far more creative, not get overwhelmed by my own projects, not get pre-lethargic about who’s going to like it (though I really do worry about that and I do hope some of you out there will like me and what I do :< ), and then GET IT OUT THERE. Right? It’s high time I steer my focus the right way this time.