#also 'betrayed the emperor' like he didn't immediately run to the brain if you didn't do exactly what he says psh

[polyhexian]

Okay, this one is stupid and ridiculous, but it's been in my head, so bear with me.

So like. Darius always assumes Jasper must've been pregnant, because Jasper has unfortunate phrasing and Darius knows Jasper would've been powerful enough to hide it. But other people may not come to that conclusion, because when it comes to Hunter's two presumed biological parents, one of them is an intensely physically active soldier, and the other one wears big flowy robes that obscure his figure and tends to sit around on a throne all day.

So imagine instead of grabbing Hunter and running, Jasper gets Darius involved, and after explaining the situation they take a day or two to come up with a plan. Hunter gets picked, two men and a baby disappear into the night, and now they're out of the way for the crack I'm about to unleash on the castle.

SOMEONE (political intern Kikimora?) overheard a bit of Jasper's explanation to Darius. Not all of it, but enough to get the idea that Jasper and Belos have had a child together. Then Jasper suddenly disappears, and there's no sign of the child either. Our eavesdropper realizes this is VERY RELEVANT INFORMATION, and thus sells it to the higher-up of their choice, AND THUS THE CASTLE GOSSIP MILL BEGINS TO CHURN.

Belos is nursing a headache because he just lost TWO Grimwalkers, god, when Lilith bursts into the throne room like MY LORD! WHEN JASPER BETRAYED US YOU DIDN'T MENTION HE STOLE YOUR SON AS WELL! is it a secret I can keep a secret I can be your confidant I swear--

Belos is just like. I'm sorry, what? He's not computing that Hunter = Jasper's son or that Hunter could = his own son, he doesn't see the Grimwalkers as people so it just doesn't click in his brain. He has no idea what she's talking about.

Lilith is like WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT AND NOW WE'VE ALREADY LOST OUR PRINCE, THIS IS HORRIBLE, I didn't even know you were preparing an heir to the empire but it makes perfect sense, excellent idea sire.

Belos is just. What?

Meanwhile Hettie Cutburn is LIVID. The Emperor was PREGNANT?? And she DIDN'T KNOW?? The Emperor sometimes insisted on handling his own health affairs and she respected his privacy but THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL. WHO was the healer who oversaw the Emperor's pregnancy and ARE THEY A POLITICAL RIVAL?? They're in her coven, aren't they? There's someone in her coven that the Emperor trusted more than her and when she FINDS that midwife she is going to DESTROY them. She's interrogating her coven officials left and right. Scalpels and accusations are flying. Someone points out maybe it was someone in the Emperor's Coven with healing abilities and Hettie starts thinking through the options and the other ways someone might manage a pregnancy, who else might have information, wait a second, pre-natal potions are very important, WAS IT YOU VITIMIR??

Vitimir is rightfully terrified and immediately throws Terra under the bus. HEY HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW TERRA IS ALWAYS OFFERING THE EMPEROR VARIOUS TEAS?? MAYBE TERRA KNOWS SOMETHING PLEASE GET THAT SCALPEL AWAY FROM ME.

Terra and Hettie have a massive fight that ends with the entire healing wing covered in vines. Mason is yelling about structural damage (and also wondering why no one asked him to design a royal nursery).

Belos's headache is getting worse. The entire castle now 1) Knows that Jasper is gone, 2) Knows that Hunter exists and is also gone, 3) Thinks that Belos and Jasper were a thing (what), 4) Thinks that Belos was pregnant (WHAT), and 5) Thinks that Hunter is actually important to the empire and must be recovered at any cost instead of being, y'know, a useless waste of resources that was harvested too early and needs to be disposed of.

And he can't really come clean about none of this being true or about Hunter being a Grimwalker or anything, that's not something he can admit to, and like, it'd take a massive PR campaign to get his government officials to change their minds about this narrative, AND THE PR DEPARTMENT IS ALREADY DRAFTING UP PROPAGANDA ABOUT WILD WITCHES STEALING THEIR BABY PRINCE.

Belos doesn't understand why this is his life now. He's a good person. He's doing the Lord's will. He doesn't deserve this nonsense.

And if he thinks well, at least he can order a concentrated campaign to capture his wayward Grimwalkers…no, it won't work. Because he's spent decades building up a government that purposefully rewards backstabbing. It is easier to advance in the empire by tripping your enemies than it is by actually doing good work yourself. In Runaway, the only person who knows the full story is Will, everyone else is working off of various levels of need-to-know info about catching Jasper and Hunter. In this universe, every government official is aware of the situation, and every single one of them want to get the glory of rescuing their kidnapped prince while foiling their political rivals in doing the same. False intel is spread, scouts are bribed to fumble missions, Coven Heads get into arguments about whose underlings have jurisdiction where. The entire government just becomes useless because everyone is trying to one-up and backstab everyone else.

The whole kidnapped prince thing gets out to the general public and Odalia Blight is OUTRAGED that there WASN'T AN IMPERIAL BABY SHOWER FOR HER TO BE INVITED TO. What is the POINT of having a BABY if you aren't going to have a big baby shower to wine and dine at?? Also now she has to hurry and catch up on the plotting she didn't know she was behind on, there is apparently a PRINCE out there somewhere, and sure he's missing right now but eventually he won't be and do you know what princes need? ARRANGED MARRIAGES. And she has two adorable little prospects right here! She needs to figure out how to pitch this to the Emperor.

Belos is wondering if there's any way to make an eclipse happen sooner so he can just kill everyone already. Caleb Wittebane's hallucination ghost won't stop laughing at him like OH MY GOD ASSHOLE YOU MADE THE MOST INEFFICIENT GOVERNMENT SYSTEM EVER AND IT'S BITING YOU IN THE ASS.

Meanwhile Jasper and Darius are like. Hiding out at the Owl House watching this play out while eating popcorn and changing diapers. Eda thinks this is incredible and is happy to shelter them in exchange for all this free entertainment.

Raising Hunter is kinda tricky since everyone is trying to "rescue" him but every time Lilith shows up like SISTER I'M HERE TO RESCUE MY PRINCE AND MAKE YOU JOIN A COVEN you can bet at least one other Coven Head will also show up to sabotage her and Darius just sighs and tells Hunter "Looks like we can't play outside today" while Jasper takes potshots with his staff like "WOULD YOU PEOPLE GET OFF OUR LAWN?"

Maybe they stay with Eda forever, maybe they move into a cave like in eventually, idk. Darius and Jasper probably have concealment stones for bounty hunting, and they forage for potions ingredients that Eda sells for them, and Hunter grows up well aware that if anyone ever tells them they're trying to rescue him he needs to scram immediately.

When Luz finally shows up, she ends up spending a solid day and a half believing that her MAGICAL DESTINY is to restore Hunter to the throne so he can overthrow his evil father and bring balance to the Boiling Isles or something.

Like she slams the door open holding a propaganda poster she found in town and yells "HUNTER I THINK YOU'RE THE LOST PRINCE OF THE BOILING ISLES!"

And Hunter is just reading on Eda's couch like "That's a load of bullshit, Luz."

"No, LOOK!" she says, shoving the poster into his face. "It looks just like YOU! Could this be part of your mysterious backstory?!"

"My backstory is not mysterious."

"But you haven't told me anything about it!"

"You haven't asked."

"Because you're just a normal nerdy teenager! EXCEPT IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE A PRINCE!"

"Luz the entire Lost Prince narrative is the result of a stupid misunderstanding, I wasn't meant to be an heir and if I ever do get dragged back to the castle Belos will probably poison me within a week."

"Of course! He couldn't raise you as a dutiful brainwashed son, so now you're a rival! Raised by the lover who betrayed him…"

"Oh my Titan no, they weren't lovers, my dad grew me in a planter box like a carrot."

"Hunter, we need to reclaim your throne from your evil father!"

"If you ever call Belos my father again I will punch you."

Luz goes to Hexside and she's like "Hunter why don't YOU go to magic school??" and Hunter just gestures out the window where Hooty is trying to eat Adrian Vernworth and a dozen scouts like "This is why I'm homeschooled."

At some point when the Hexsquad come over Hunter meets Amity and she eyes him for a minute before she's like "Y'know one of my siblings has a marriage contract with you" and Hunter is like "ugh" and Darius yells from the kitchen "HE BETROTHED MY SON TO A BLIGHT???" and Luz is like "huh which one?" and Amity's like "the name isn't official, Mom and the emperor decided they could just wait and see which twin Prince Hunter prefers" and Hunter is just like "DON'T CALL ME THAT."

…It is entirely possible that Darius still calls Hunter "little prince" and in this AU it actually is a term of endearment even tho Hunter and Jasper give him tired deathglares every time.

Jruejdjfj little prince as a teasing little term of endearment, like when my dad would call me monkey butt...

THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNYYYYYY OH MY GOOOODDDDD

Hunter just chilling with hooty and the owl lady and his cool dads. And then there's Belos who's have the funniest problem imaginable. And jasper DOES still think that even if Belos is a child murdering fuck he probably also IS doing it all for the greater good of keeping the Titan from dying. So like. He's not going to actively attempt to overthrow him if he doesn't have to. And Belos probably knows that fighting jasper is probably not worth it if he isn't going to cause problems. Like if jasper is keeping all his insane secrets and terrible power to himself then it probably just ISNT worth it to make a huge effort to stop it-- especially when he already knows at some point in the future the owl lady will have a niece who will go into the past and meet him. And maybe that niece is Lilith's but shit, maybe it's Jasper's...? What if he has another kid? So he's a little hesitant to pull the big trigger. so they're just in this... Extremely stupid fucking stalemate.

The poor fucking twins oh my GOD

[argetcross]

BG3 Ending Spoilers

I don't know who's made it to the end, so putting all my thoughts and feelings under a cut to be safe:

So guess who was a noble idiot, sacrificed themselves to become a mindflayer, and then subsequently got left behind by half of their friends???

THIS BITCHHHHHHH

It's like, when the Emperor is telling you to ascend and pushing you to do so, Keres was like no no, hell no, I'm keeping my autonomy.

But the moment you fail to dominate the Elder Brain, completely and utterly, and then be told you have to betray Lae'zel and the Githyanki by letting the Emperor consume Orpheus? I feel like the bad decision spiral just went deeper at that point. Saying no to the Emperor and then being called out by Orpheus (for not letting myself be killed by his honor guard) made me desperate to prove I wasn't doing the wrong thing......

Which led to taking on the mindflayer transformation.

Which fucking sucked. Orpheus was fully my friend at that point, but everyone else was confused and put-off. The allies gathered to fight and make the last stand didn't know what to make of me. Astarion was immediately pretty taken aback (which hurt quite a bit, considering the "forced to become a monster" parallels are quite something).

There's also the element of watching all the red dragons descend on the capitol that feels... really bitter sweet, playing as a Red Draconic Sorcerer. Seeing what you once were a part of, a descendant of the creatures, fighting and protecting the city against an enemy you now look like.

So that was all pretty shitty.

But I committed. It was the noble thing to do, to take on the burdens of everyone and not make anyone do what I wouldn't, and we defeated the Netherbrain.

And then the ending.

There's a choice of what to do, now that you're a mindflayer. And you want to live. (But I gotta say, choosing to die felt somewhat cathartic, especially after what happens next. At least it feels like a noble heroic sacrifice instead of being left alone. Shame only Gale tries to stop you from killing yourself. Not a single other word, guys??)

But obviously I wanted to see how things played out so I kept going.

I don't know what I was expecting with Lae'zel, but it was gut-wrenching to watch her go. Even asking her to stay, she's like, I can't. You are ghaik now no matter how noble you are. And there was a look she gave when climbing up a dragon, where, just for a moment, it felt like we were remembering the journey and battles we fought together, but that connection cooled and fizzled away.

Okay, so we lost one of our friends, but that's okay, I hope? Wait no, Karlach is burning up now, shit.

All her lines, her holding onto this friend who is now this sad little squid, made me cry real tears. So Wyll jumping in and volunteering to go to Avernus, Wyll who just escaped Mizora's influence and who has no more powers as a Warlock and my heart just gave up.

In that moment, I saw the option to go to Avernus with her and I picked it without hesitation.

And that was actually a kind of good ending! Better to be an illithid in hell with your friends than an illithid in Baldur's Gate without friends and generally being disliked. Also I bet imps have brains. Shouldn't be too hard to stay fed.

So it was all good until, I was like wait. Shit. I forgot my boyfriend. Going to hell with Karlach and Wyll means leaving Astarion behind. There was no ending card, I have no idea what happened to him, that's no good. So I had to reload. Was there an option to bring him along? I doubted it (nor do I think he'd want to), but I wanted to know what happened to him considering the last scene I got with him was him running sad from the sun.

...And then it bugged out on me.

which is. Fine. Hearing his voice in a darkened room as he gently let me down was Fine. I wasn't thinking wistfully back to being in hell with my friends, nope, siree.

Like I get it. It's mature of him to not rush into a romance with a mind flayer when he's clearly uncomfortable. And it's very very sweet the friendship lines. I feel like the entire playthrough, we were just edging our way between sexless romance and QueerPlatonic Partners. So in some ways, it's fucking hilarious. In the last possible moment, friendship proves it is indeed, magic.

BUT MAN OH MAN DID IT KIND OF STING. I think moreso because everyone was gone. Karlach and Wyll were in the Hells. Lae'zel has gone to the Astral Plane. Shadowheart is probably off with her parents. Gale is. Not around. Probably off to talk to Mystra.

And poor squiddy Keres who sacrificed her body and all chances of a normal life is stuck in hiding in Baldur's Gate. At least she and Astarion are hiding in the sewers together I GUESS. Like it just seems kind of lonely. Maybe they'll become the best of buds again, but honestly Astarion probably will want to stretch his wings and do other things.

So, the ending choices for becoming a squidkid is really:

a) Go to Superhell with your best buds and leave your boyfriend alone in Baldur's Gate with no friends.

b) Stay with your boyfriend who dumps you because he's not into tentacle porn, he becomes your immortal friend for life, and you both run a very successful mortuary/Guild business.

Oh, the choices in an RPG. 😔

(Larian, please fix the epilogue, I want to replay the endgame so badly. Free me from squidkid super hell.)