#also @/paper sorry i mentioned u by name i'll edit ur name out if u want

[virmillion]

I know you said you were taking a break from sanders sides, but are you gonna start writing for it again soon? I miss your writing you should come back

gonna be real with u anon, i’ve put off answering this for a while (as you well know, since you’re the one who sent this) until i knew i could give you a response without sounding rude or mean or whatever. that said, i’m going to address the things you’ve said in a particular order, with particular words, and such will be chosen because i want to be clear, not because i want to be rude. if i sound rude, i apologize, but i don’t want to have to write this post again.

1 - “i know you said you were taking a break”

(1a) i didn’t say i was taking a break. i said i was done. i said that for the foreseeable future, i would not be writing for the fandom, and the moment in which i’m answering is still within that time frame

(1b sub i) for every day where i think ‘hey, maybe i should write for the fandom again, just a quick 10k oneshot!,’ there are five more days where i think ‘i’m so glad i’ve taken that stressor out of my life and allowed myself to write for fun without the pressure of posting it and obsessing over the notes it does or (more often) doesn’t get.’ for a considerable portion of my fics, i put something of myself into them - some of my personal struggles, my personal hangups, my personal experiences and opportunities and passions. that’s great for authenticity, but it’s so draining. it’s so hard to try to crank out another fic that i didn’t spend as long on as i wish i had, simply because i’m desperate to keep up with a fandom that, frankly, doesn’t care whether or not it gets posted

(1b sub ii) this isn’t a dig against the fandom. i’m not saying it’s a careless fandom of mean people who literally do not care whatsoever if i post At All, i’m saying that (at the time of my most active participation in it) there were no actual deadlines or people demanding fics to be posted. it was only my own mind telling me i needed to write more, and that was an incredibly poor mindset given everything else i was processing at the time

(1b sub iii) i used fanfiction as a major way to process those things, and i think i’ve done well to get where i am now, but i know that if i go back (or come back, rather) to the fandom, i will reopen old wounds that have long since healed over in my efforts to create another authentic story

(1c) “i know you said.” now, i’m sure you didn’t intend this to sound harsh, but here’s how i read that the first time i saw this: ‘i acknowledge that you’ve said something, but we all know that [wasn’t true/wasn’t serious/has an expiration date].’ i have no doubt in my mind you didn’t intend it to sound as such, but that’s how it came across, which makes the tone of your ask much harder to parse - this is also why i’ve waited so long, is so i react to the content of your question, rather than the tone

2 - “are you gonna start writing for it again soon?”

(2) i don’t know. honestly, well and truly, i don’t know. i might. i might not. if i think of a story that would work really really well with these particular characters, or i get suddenly inspired, or someone comes to me personally, off anon, and suggests something that i’m sincerely interested in pursuing, then maybe. maybe. this should not be taken as the potential for an expiration date on my stance regarding my participation in the fandom. this should be taken as ‘okay, you aren’t sure, so i am going to leave you alone about it rather than digging up old things you’ve long since stopped discussing’

3 - “you should come back”

(3a) this might be confusing, but technically speaking, i never really left. yeah, sure, i stopped reblogging content to a considerable degree, and obviously i stopped posting it, but i haven’t really left in a way that means i could come back. i didn’t unfollow anyone in the fandom, and i certainly didn’t shut myself off from it completely - i could name so many people who post exclusively sides content that i still actively follow (or even have notifications on for, and like almost all of their posts). i’m not gone, i’m just not completely here

(3b) ‘should’ sounds like it’s something i’m expected to do. as discussed above, i waited to respond so the tone wouldn’t be a point of contention, but your word choice here makes it sound like i’m just wasting time before i inevitably ‘come back’ to the fandom. i can personally assure you, this fandom is just fine without me as an active participant, and there are so many people that are still in the fandom, still posting content, still hanging around and producing new things every day to be enjoyed!

4 - “i miss your writing”

(4) i want to end on a high note, which is why this is last. i appreciate you saying this, really i do, i love hearing compliments, it’s one of my favorite ways to spend free time is spreading the love. however. you are always more than welcome to reread anything i’ve posted. i made a masterpost on here, all of my fics are available on ao3, there are literally 300K+ words waiting to be read or reread. i did the math. it’s 305,592 words that i’ve posted over years and not taken down. i know you mean you want new writing, but all i can offer right now is the mountains of work i’ve already produced and put up. thank you for saying this, but if you honestly miss it, it’s right there for you to go back to. i’m not taking it down or making anything private or revoking access, i promise

5 - whoops bonus conclusion

(5) there’s. a lot of things i want to say here. about certain fics (taxi cab comes to mind), about certain behaviors within the fandom that i’ve been lucky enough to avoid (such as that with which paper has been dealing and compiling evidence), about leaving well enough alone, about apologizing for going off at you when you just asked a question. i don’t know. i don’t know how to end this. i don’t know what to say without rehashing old stuff. at this point, i’m considering just putting a counter on my blog that counts down to when i’ll write for the fandom again, and every time someone asks, the counter resets to a month. sincerely, well and truly, i do not know what i am supposed to say now. please stop asking me this, because i do not have a better answer. thank you for your time, and sorry if you’re someone that wasted your time reading this whole thing. please just leave me alone until i decide to speak on it on my own time. please just stop