#all this was triggered by comparing one of my first character obsessions to my latest one and realizing they're the same frickin guy

[emelkae]

how to specially formulate a character for my brain to latch onto so I can spin them around with it like a top:

- put them in a position of authority and make that authority their entire personality

- loosen those hinges >:)

- give them one character flaw so deep it babygirlifies them

- "he's so pathetic" (said by me while kicking my feet and twirling my hair and drawing hearts around their name)

- involve a kid somewhere in their arc

if you do this it's a guarantee your character will absolutely eviscerate me from the inside

[arata-is-a-dunce]

The Kanoichi Clan

*This will be long, but bare with me. Please note that this is all speculation and not concrete.*

I have been thinking about this clan. But specifically on one bitch.

Kanoichi Satoru’s deadbeat dad. (I don’t really like the man. And this will be more bashing on the man because of what he did to Satoru.)

Is this man even alive? Don’t know but for now, let’s say yes.

I will focus on Kanoichi-san and his son.

For the rest of this thing, I will call the father “Kanoichi-san” and Satoru “Satoru” or “Kanoichi-kun.”

I am not apologizing for anything that might make one mad and I don’t condone what Satoru did in his introduction. This is to look at the characters on a deeper level.

Anyway, without further ado

This bitch would have allowed his son to be permanently disfigured (at worst, killed) for the house god beside him.

So, exactly what would his reaction be to our main character?

Let’s get a little deeper with this.

According to Satoru, his father had never been like this before. He would never have sacrificed his son for anything. But let’s let it be known that children never know their parents’ true colors until later.

Could it be that Satoru’s father had always been like this, and this incident revealed that to Satoru? Kanoichi-san probably didn’t care much about his son, seeing him as nothing but a tool that can be replaced. He can make more children if Satoru was to die, as stated in these panels.

“Unfortunately, that boy cannot be used as a threat. I can always make another child after all.”

“His eyes . . . His heart . . . Go ahead and gouge them out.”

This fucker, didn’t see Satoru as his son in this moment. “That boy” instead of “my son” or “Satoru” as in Japanese they don’t really have “he/her” pronouns. (Or is it just “you” that they don’t have a word for?)

Anyway. He didn’t care.

Satoru believes that his father would never have done that if it hadn’t been for the Another.

If it had been a different situation, I do believe Kanoichi-san wouldn’t have cared either way. He would have allowed the perpetrator to kill Satoru at any point no matter the situation.

Kanoichi-san probably never cared for his family and Satoru is finally seeing it, but the situation warped his way of thinking. Instead of finding blame in his father’s actions (or lack thereof), he placed the blame on the Another who is protecting them (I think this is how that works, correct me if I am wrong). The Another is there to help prosper the family and home, keeping it safe.

In the anime, during this flashback, Akane was saying how she’s gotten to understand Suzu (the mansion god) a lot better since Arata had come by. She compares Arata to Kanoichi-san:

“Everytime I see how Miyako-san acts with Anothers, I remember my uncle . . . your father. He was friends with Anothers. He was Suzu-sama’s best friend.”

(We also get his face here instead of the manga. Strange. They might have pulled things from the latest volumes.)

(The man would probably be in his late 50s-late 60s now depending on how old he was when he had Satoru. And he would probably not look a day over 40. Here he does look well into his early 30s but it’s difficult to tell.)

In this scene, Satoru and Akane spoke in a way that it came across that Satoru’s father (Akane’s uncle) has passed away.

As noted by Akane saying “[he] was Suzu-sama’s best friend.”

In the manga, the wording is a little different.

“He was even getting along with the mansion god . . .”

“The mansion god” is used instead of “Suzu-sama.”

A little odd on why the anime added more to the elevator scene and changed up Akane and her relationship with the Zashiki-warashi. (Unless that’ll be something later down the road in the series and they just pulled it towards the beginning.)

Again note the change in wording. Here she says

“It reminds you of . . . your father.”

Not whatever she said in the anime. Not the “I remember . . .” but the “It reminds you . . . ” 

This makes it a bit more meaningful. Allows us to see a different side. Everytime Satoru sees Arata acting in such a way, he’s thinking of his father. He’s remembering his trauma and what had led up to it, the why he has a scar in the first place.

There’s also this tidbit in the same page:

“Do you leave it there just to spite him?”

Satoru still keeps the scar to spite his father and the clan. And Satoru has made it clear to the audience the only reason he hasn’t given up his family name and turned his back on the clan is because Akane is still there.

So, these are giving mix signals. Is Kanoichi-san still alive or has he passed and Kanoichi-kun is trying to hold onto something as a reminder?

Kanoichi-san is . . . something.

I doubt he’s ever been a good father. He is probably one of those fathers that choose their obsesssion (work or hobby or something) over their own family.

The Zarashiki-warashi is the reason they are prospering. As stated by Satoru here:

You can see his anger but also the fear that he probably still holds.

He doesn’t see the worth in being a sacrifice for prosperity. And I don’t see it either. It isn’t worth sacrificing your child to live a prosperous life unless you’re a greedy person.

And he doesn’t trust Arata because he fears that he will sacrifice a human if it meant appealing to Anothers. He doesn’t have a reason to trust Arata either. He doesn’t know him other than as a new face in the work—naive and ignorant and fully willing to be all buddy-buddy with the beings that messed his life up.

So Kanoichi-san is a person willing to sacrifice his own child for the sake of keeping an Another safe. What’s not to stop him from sacrificing something or someone else for something even smaller?

This will now go into my theory of how Kanoichi-san will react to Miyako Arata. You can skip straight to the comments to rebuttal me.

If anything Kanoichi-san probably has an obsession with Anothers (not like Saejima). It’s toned down, nonchalant with the need to know, to find out. He is patient and does not rush, calm and cautious with his movements.

(I’m trying to think of an anime villain. Probably Aizen from Bleach? Dude planned for hundreds of years and experimented and got things done without rushing and it bore fruit.)

So say, Kanoichi-san is all the willing to watch the pieces on a chessboard fall, being careful in his movements and will take out and sacrifice anything along the way. (I’m not a chess player so this metaphor probably doesn’t make sense but pretend it does)

All of a sudden, some kid comes out of nowhere being able to speak to these creatures that have always fascinated him. This kid can understand them and learn from the creatures than whatever theories the humans make up. He would probably watch carefully from the shadows to see what he kind of information could extract before striking.

Arata is a fascinating character to the outside world. He is descended from a great onmyōji and has this man’s rare ability. So, now, he’s also fascinated by this human.

Patience can always wear thin and break.

Since he would give up his own son to protect an Another. What lengths would he go to get this human with the ability to speak to them on his side?

They are of a prominent clan, so they would be rich. Money could go a long way. Money could sway others where it won’t sway some.

He could most likely get away with kidnapping, yes?

But that’s a thought for another time.

Kanoichi-san gives off these little vibes of an antagonist who’s willing to wait in the weeds for the right opportunity. He will probably resort in taking Arata if it means helping him get close to Anothers. (Trying to think of character who betrayed mc after “teaching” them. Can’t think of anyone atm. Anyone know of anyone?)

(Wait, Kray to Galo. Even if he wasn’t really a teacher nor liked Galo.)

If Kanoichi-san is to cross paths with Arata, then I fear for the redhead. He will probably not see anything wrong with talking about Anothers with someone willing to listen after having been brushed off (maybe a little iffy cause dude bro is sketchy and related to trigger-happy Satoru). Because of this, he doesn’t really delve into weaknesses since he doesn’t really know them. He keeps important information to himself.

Despite being a patient person, Kanoichi-san finally allows himself to move.

Then, well, RIP Arata I guess.

Of course, this is all speculation. Except for the Satoru’s part because wow, he got the short end of the stick. I do feel bad for him, but I don’t condone his burning of babies.

Same with Sakaki Kyouichi, don’t condone him at all in the Hell Arc. I will get into that another time.

I bid you farewell with a soft Satoru. Look at him, baby.

[iamnightduchess]

Afterthoughts

(SnK 128)

To the Yeagerists thinking that they can take down both the Armored Titan & the Female Titan, well, hate to reiterate this BUT the last time someone managed to deal the final incapacitating blow to either one of them had been only one person:

Mikasa "BAMF" Ackerman

She, who was worth a hundred soldiers when she was a fresh graduate, at this point would have been worth more than several hundreds of Yeagerists and also fighting together WITH both titans.

"Boo... she's a slave. xx is better than her."

"She's an ice-cold bitch. How dare she treated Louise, a dying girl, like that?"

"How can she feel empathy for people of the world she doesn't even know of personally compared to a girl who worships her & somewhat 'emotionally blackmailed' her dedication towards Eren?"

"How could she work with the same group of people who tried to murder her days before?"

Bashing Mikasa herself as a character is one thing, comparing her to another character is a low blow. She grieved & mourned for Sasha, she's compassionate towards Gabi & Falco. She has compassion and mercy towards people that needs it. Louise is anything but.

Back to the Yeagerists, the trigger-happy bunch needs to hide behind guns & gears they're not even well-adapt on to instil fear, while homegirl need no more than her freaking bare hands to defend herself and fight for what she believes in.

"She's a traitor. She betrayed her own comrades and the people on the island."

Paradis is her home but do you think she'd rather sit quietly, turn a blind eye towards the Yeagerists' drunkenness towards power, ascension towards madness & live with bloods of the many innocents (related or non-related to Eldian history) on her hands? She would rather die fighting for what she believes in, just like how her parents have taught her. Her childhood was first destroyed when selfish, violent humans imposed into her family's home. She's been there at nine years old. Like hell she'll be okay with the Yeagerists' stand. If someone comes into your house to fuck with your freedom/rights, you have the right to defend BUT not to go on a killing spree of all potential criminals out there and take justice into your own hands unless you're Batman. Isn't that what Mikasa & co did when Marley's battalion came days before? Guess what? The battalion left the Warriors and Magath behind & that does not mean JCAM should kill the leftover Marleyans and watch passively as Eren released not a group but ALL of the CTs inside the walls to fuck with the rest of the world.

Chapter 127 & 128 are displaying the courage Mikasa needed to fight for her own ideals for the first time - even if that means going against Eren's will.

Just saying, some people can go on and on about the tasteless, exhausting slave memes/jokes or their neverending barrage of vitriol against the 'cringevengers' just because they believe in a will that is different than their 'genocidal overlord'.

At this point of his story, Isayama has clearly place both sides on the scale: there are no rights or wrongs, good guys or bad guys as we were initially introduced to. We have seen both perspectives.

If you think because it's fictional, therefore genocide is alright, go on ahead. Though that does not justify the hatred you've been displaying towards the MarleyParadis Alliance.

I understand Eren's drive & actions BUT it does not mean I accept his will. However, that does not justify that I should hate on & attack his character. If you want to project your personal ideals on either side's characters, you are more than welcomed to do so but please have more class than that.

I believe that is the series' creator's intention.

"If Isayama lets the cringevengers win, that is bad writing."

"I hope the cringevengers lose. They're ungrateful for what Eren's doing for them."

"The alliance are a bunch of idiots with no plan."

"Yes it's his series, but as a fan, I deserved the right to express my unhappiness with the way he wrote this and this."

So, you'd rather JCAM just sit on their asses & do nothing?

Eren wins. Freedom for Paradis achieved. Rest of cringevengers settle down & have kids while the rest of the world retaliates in 50 years. Magath, Warriors & co. can die. Ok, The End.

What kind of values do you think Isayama wants to deliver through HIS story?

Reiner & Annie understood that the Warriors have no right to ask JCAM of anything. Reiner even suggested they stay behind in safety so they won't be forced to make that difficult decision like they did. (Look at how far the kids have grown?)

Interesting theme to note: Mercy. Sasha showed Gabi mercy but the same girl that she spared shot her to death. Gabi didn't understand then. Second round, Mikasa showed her mercy and Gabi finally understood. It finally humbled her.

Hate on Hajime Isayama all you want, as everyone can see on BSM's latest cover, the man's filthy rich enough to open his own sustainable business after SnK wraps with the royalty he gets from merchandise, prints and all. His 'bad writing' got him published & he has set his mind on an ending that would hurt some of us. If the alliance loses, Eren perseveres & millions die, it would hurt me so much but I would respect that because that is the route Isayama has chosen. I am already grateful for the opportunity & the experience he had blessed us all with.

Isayama doesn't owe anyone shit. He's a content creator, he is telling HIS story, not yours. As fans, shouldn't you take his material and learn something from it instead of making fun of or hating his decisions? Debate constructively please but stop spreading the hate.

You can choose to opt out of the series, moan all you want but in the end, you'll be the first group of people who would be obsessing with any ounce of spoilers at the beginning of a new month. Stop attacking or provoking people who is 'on the other side' of the ideal you believe in.

I am just someone who wants to share. As fans, we have the right to disagree with some of Isayama's stance/direction but there are always lesson(s) to be learnt:

Respect & Love.

You can love someone & still disagree with their ideals and be on the opposite side. In the end, Mikasa loves herself enough to decide on her own to stop Eren. As fans, stop projecting your hate towards the characters. Learn from them instead.

[scoutception]

Chaos;Child review

Steins;Gate; it’s one of the most popular visual novels ever made, for very, very good reason. While I had played my fair share visual novels before, namely Ace Attorney, Danganronpa, and Zero Escape, Steins;Gate was still a very special experience for me that instantly launched me into the wider world of visual novels. More than anything, though, it made me extremely curious about the rest of the franchise around it; not just the sequel to it, Steins;Gate 0, but the whole rest of the Science Adventure series. For a bit of a rundown, the first game in this series, that many fans of Steins;Gate very likely have no clue about, was a title called Chaos;Head. Focusing on an extremely reclusive and paranoid high school student named Takumi Nishijou, who has his life thrown into chaos after witnessing the latest in a series of murders known as the New Generation Madness, it was an interesting story with a heavy focus on delusions, creating an interesting experience that, while still ultimately clear and conclusive, leaves you in the dark the majority of the time in regards to just what is happening, and how much is even real. While a good effort all around that served as a great base for Steins;Gate, it was ultimately held down by a lot of things, from smaller things like a pretty generic and unmemorable artstyle and mostly unremarkable voice acting, to much more noticeable things, from the slow, unfocused plot, to the underutilized cast of characters who never come together as a group, mostly just dropping in and out on an individual basis whenever the plot needs them, to the choice system of the game, the delusion trigger, which allows you to view a positive or negative scene Takumi imagines in response to surprising or stressful situations, being pretty much pointless, only rarely giving a better glimpse into Takumi’s characterization, to Takumi himself being extremely creepy, cowardly, and all around unlikeable, and not getting sufficient development across the story to make up for it, at least until the very last chapter. While it did get an updated version, Chaos;Head Noah, Chaos;Head was nonetheless buried beyond saving by Steins;Gate, not helped by not having an official localization to this day. As the cherry on top, it had a terrible anime adapation that tried to fit a fairly lengthy VN into a mere 12 episodes, completely wrecking the pacing, making the story even more confusing than was intended, and using an entire episode on useless filler to top it off. The reason I went into detail on that is, well, the subject of today’s review; Chaos;Head’s sequel, Chaos;Child. Chaos;Child is in an interesting spot in the series, firstly because as of right now, it’s the only main VN in the series other than the two Steins;Gate titles to have an official localization, and while both Robotics;Notes and Robotics;Notes DaSH are set to be localized this year, it still means it’s the only other title around to experience until those come out, at least in an official fashion. Secondly, unlike Steins;Gate 0 and Robotics;Notes DaSH, Chaos;Child is only a thematic sequel, with the cast of Chaos;Head not returning, with the exception of one side character having a fairly prominent role, and a few references and cameos for others. The main cast is otherwise a clean slate, and concepts of Chaos;Head are taken at a different angle. Aside from helping keep things fresh, it also allows it to take its own pace with introducing and explaining the main concepts, making it still cohesive even without having gone through Chaos;Head, though it’s still connected in important ways. The main point is, you don’t have to go through Chaos;Head to enjoy Chaos;Child, which is very good considering the various problems surrounding Chaos;Head. Now, the question is, is Chaos;Child worth going through by itself? The short answer is, absolutely, yes. It is a fantastic experience on par with Steins;Gate, and I would recommend it with all my passion. You can get it on PS4 or Steam. Seriously, go for it. As for the long answer, well, buckle in, because this’ll be a ride.

Chaos;Child takes place in 2015, 6 years after a devastating earthquake that utterly wrecked the ward of Shibuya during the events of Chaos;Head, leaving many physical and mental scars on the populace. Though Shibuya has since been rebuilt, a series of bizarre murders begin to occur on the days of the New Generation Madness, the series of killings that gripped Shibuya in the days before the earthquake. These killings, dubbed the Return of the New Generation Madness, leave the citizens of Shibuya morbidly captivated, much as the original incidents did, and unfortunately leave the police with no clues as to the identity of the culprit, seemingly leaving them to continue their crimes unopposed. Enter Takuru Miyashiro, a senior at Hekiho Academy and president of its newspaper club. Takuru was orphaned by the Shibuya earthquake and adopted by Wataru Sakuma, a doctor who has a foster home in the same building as his clinic, though Takuru has moved out into an RV by the time of the game due to an argument with his foster sister, Nono Kurusu, the student council president and vice president of the newspaper club. With the help of the other members of the club, Serika Onoe, Takuru’s reckless and rather dense childhood friend, Shinji Itou, Takuru’s confident best friend with an interest in bizarre murders such as the New Generation Madness, and Hana Kazuki, a mute girl who spends most of her time playing MMOs in the club room, Takuru conducts his own investigation of the Return of the New Generation Madness despite Nono’s concerns for his safety, independently discovering many clues and connections, such as the presence of the mysterious and creepy “Sumo Stickers” at the site of each murder. After taking his investigations too far and stumbling upon the scene of the latest murder, Takuru finds increasing evidence of the killer having capabilities far beyond that of a normal human- and that his discoveries may have put him in danger of becoming the next victim.

While this sounds much like the basic premise of Chaos;Head, in practice it’s very different. In Chaos;Heads, the New Gen murders, though certainly important, mostly just played out in the background, with Takumi rarely directly being involved. By contrast, the murders in Chaos;Child, and the mysteries around them, are the focus of the game, and it’s very worthy of it. The mysteries and reveals around them are downright fascinating, and gives the player just as many hints for them to follow as the characters, making for a very interesting plot to follow. Chaos;Child is also notable for being much, much darker than the previous entries in the series, which weren’t exactly flowers and rainbows themselves. The murders themselves are extremely gruesome and disturbing, the reveals don’t pull any sort of punches, and the majority of the game’s endings lie much closer to the bitter end of bittersweet, compared to, say, Steins;Gate’s endings. While it can get a bit draining by the end, Chaos;Child makes it work, never pushing you to the extent of becoming apathetic despite the horrors and tragedy of the plot, which is owed in large part to the well written and very sympathetic cast of characters.

Everyone in the main cast manages to be interesting, fun to have around, or both. Takuru himself is a very good protagonist, despite having a very unlikeable start. He’s arrogant, reckless, extremely awkward, overly stubborn, and downright petty in a lot of ways, especially regarding his obsession with staying on the “right side” of information, not to mention him treating the murders as something exciting and a way to get famous. Despite all that, he has a lot of development across the game, and starts early on it. He’s also got a much rougher past than some of the previous protagonists, which helps explain how he grew into the person he is.

Some of the other more memorable members of the cast include Hinae Arimura, who, though hyper and friendly on the surface, hides a very sharp tongue and a fairly cynical nature, Mio Kunosato, the exceedingly harsh, obsessive, and resourceful scientist investigating the Return of the New Generation Madness on her own, who makes an interesting contrast to the rest of the cast just because of how completely unpleasant she is, Shinji, who manages to be a much more likeable character than some of the previous obligatory male friends in the series, and my personal favorite, Nono, who despite seemingly being an unfairly harsh big sister type, quickly establishes herself as an extremely caring person, with a lot more emotional baggage than she lets on. A good chunk of the game’s emotional moments involve her, particularly her attempts to fix her very strained relationship with Takuru.

While all the characters make at least decent impressions to begin with, what helps them even further is the additional ending routes, branching off from the normal route depending on specific choices you make throughout the game. Compared to the way Steins;Gate handles its endings, these are full chapters, putting much more focus on characters such as Hinae and Hana, taking the plot in completely different directions. Not only are the stories of them interesting on their own, they do a great job of developing the characters and showing them from different perspectives.

What caps off the writing is the absolutely fantastic atmosphere the game builds. It goes very heavy with horror elements compared to Chaos;Head, and doesn’t skimp in any area. While it’s got the visuals down, the main strength is the buildup, suspense, and narrative description, all of which is fantastically done. Tense scenes go at a steady enough pace to let each small thing sink in, without being drawn out enough that you lose interest, and the much less ambiguous nature on what scenes are real or not makes any shifts of that sort much more effectively jarring. It’s seriously one of my favorite atmospheres in a game, and makes for a great experience for anyone even slightly a fan of horror.

The subject of “fake” scenes brings me to the main gameplay element of Chaos;Child: the Delusion Trigger. Every once in a while, a situation will make Takuru imagine a positive or negative delusion regarding it, with you being able to choose one to view before snapping back to the regular scene like nothing happened. While a decent idea on paper, like in Chaos;Head, it really doesn’t add much most of the time, and despite being your method for accessing the different endings, it really doesn’t tie into them at all. At the least, though, it does a decent job of showing Takuru is much less mature than he tries to appear, and if nothing else, they’re gold mines for random screenshots. They also appear less and less frequently as the game goes on, which helps keep them from distracting from more serious scenes.

On a more technical side of things, visually speaking, I like the look of the game quite a bit. While it doesn’t reach the heights of Steins;Gate in character designs or the general artstyle, though that’s a very high bar to reach for, the sprites, backgrounds, and CGs are all very well drawn on their own, and the designs are at least more distinctive than in Chaos;Head. The visuals also do a large part to help with the atmosphere; while it looks light on the surface, many scenes use lighting filters that do a lot to help the mood, and the CGs do not disappoint when they get serious.

The UI also looks great, and furthers the atmosphere even more. From the shadowy ends of the dialogue boxes moving passively, to the menu screen’s rolling fog, to the odd borders of the screen during delusions, it has a very stylish look.

Chaos;Child doesn’t disappoint on the audio side of things either. Series composer Takeshi Abo puts out a great soundtrack, as usual, with many catchy or atmospheric themes, along with vocal themes that are absolutely fantastic. The voice acting is also very good, with just about everyone giving out a great performance, in particular Yoshitsugu Matsuoka as Takuru, Sumire Uesaka as Serika, Sarah Emi Bridcutt as Nono, Suzuko Mimori as Hinae, and Risa Taneda as Mio.

The last thing to mention is that Chaos;Child is a very long visual novel. Not quite as monsterous as some, but it’s still a significant time drain, and while there is an anime adaptation, it is a terrible alternative. While not outright awful by itself, especially compared to Chaos;Head’s anime, 12 episodes is simply not enough time to make the story work. Not only does it have to rush to make nearly every chapter fit into one episode, absolutely ruining the pacing, it doesn’t adapt the other endings in any way, making a lot of the characters come off as way less developed, and couldn’t even adapt the true ending at first, which is just disgraceful. The visual novel is the only real way to experience it. And now that we’re at this point, I suppose it’s conclusion time.

Is Chaos;Child something I would recommend? 100% absolutely. Between the fantastic atmosphere, great cast of characters, and fascinating and emotional story, it is a special kind of experience that proudly stands with Steins;Gate as one of the greatest visual novels out there, in a genre with many fantastic works. It can be a bit slow to start, but once it gets going, it stays an amazing experience.

With that giant rant out of the way, I’m off to start on the last thing in the series there is for me to tackle as of now: Steins;Gate 0. Till next time. -Scout

[matildainmotion]

The Monstrous Shame of Motherhood and the Quest for a Cure

I feel exhausted. Even-more-than-usual exhausted. Whoever knew that staying at home could be so incredibly tiring. We have our daily outings – mainly to the golf course, which is the nearest green we have. The other evening, when we had finally made it out the house, and the children were running ahead of me across the fitted-carpet grass, I had a thought: “Maybe it will be okay,” and instantly I wanted to cry. It wasn’t a thought only about the pandemic. It was about the lot: the pandemic, plus how to get an autism diagnosis for my son that supports him, plus my 78 year old mother staying well, plus my husband’s work and the theatre community surviving in a post-Covid world, plus managing to finish my book, plus both my children’s long term futures, plus the world’s long term future and climate change, plus racial inequality, plus economic inequality, plus gender inequality, plus, plus…..

In that moment I realised that a kind of deep worry is such a constant for me now that I have grown accustomed to it, so that it is like the planes that used to fly over our house in London – a noise so familiar that after a while I no longer hear it, and yet it is there, every few minutes, unnoticed, another monstrous metal groan. And when it stops - when the planes stay down, when the worries lift up - the sudden silence is startling, enough to make me cry. But – here’s the thing- thanks to the lockdown I have realised that it isn’t just worry to which I have grown accustomed in this way. There is something else, even more monstrous, which it has taken me a long time to name – and its name is shame.

I believe the shame comes from a thousand ‘shoulds,’ from the many things I feel I should be doing as a mother and am not.  Motherhood, along with the paraphernalia of nappies, wipes and purees, comes with a huge bundle of shoulds. The very first thing I did, nine years ago now, on discovering that I was pregnant, was to rush out to Waterstones and buy a book on what I should and shouldn’t eat during the next nine months– and that was only the beginning. The shoulds come from everywhere, a mountain of well-meant advice, not only from books, but from doctors, midwives, family members, partners, friends, other mothers, even complete strangers. I remember standing in a shop queue with my three-week-old son in a sling, when the woman behind me leant forward and touched one of his toes. “Where’s his socks?” she said, “He’ll catch his death of cold.” On the one hand I felt reasonably confident that carrying my son around sock-less was not going to endanger his life, on the other, as a brand new mother, I was nonetheless shaken by the idea that my son’s survival was up to me, and that many different people had many different ideas about how best I should fulfil my role of raising and protecting him. At times, even my instinct, that famous maternal inner guide, seemed like a mysterious thing that someone else had told me I should follow.

Mothers Who Make began, in part, as a response to all these shoulds. When I went along to the new mother and baby groups, that I also believed to be obligatory, I noticed a distressing pattern. All too often we were simply swapping ‘shoulds’ with each other and coming away feeling worse than when we arrived. No place or position was safe: I met mothers who felt they should be breastfeeding, mothers who felt the need to put a label saying ‘breastmilk’ on the bottle they fed their baby in public, as well as mothers who felt they should be weaning their baby and moving rapidly onto solids. I met mothers who felt bad about co-sleeping and mothers who felt bad about not doing so. In those early days of mothering - when you should be feeling overjoyed - there are even charts that tell you what should be happening when, how much your child should weigh, by when they should be making eye contact etc. It is not that these charts are entirely unhelpful or inaccurate, but they certainly encouraged my constant questioning: is my child okay? Am I okay? Am I doing this right? And if I thought I wasn’t, if I was not doing what I should, I felt ashamed.

I have felt many parallels between lockdown and early motherhood – the sudden cessation of all usual activity, the focus on ‘intensive care’ and care-taking, the washing, the sense of vulnerability, the way leaving the house seems like an epic adventure, the isolation and longing for connection. And, as in early motherhood, our diverse lives are again apparently aligned. We are all in the same situation: all the mothers in those baby groups had a new born / all the mothers I know now are in lockdown due to a pandemic. This makes comparison seem possible, even appropriate. There is a set of scales around again – I weigh our lives on it and find myself at fault.

Let me give you a small sample of some of the shoulds that fly low over my home, through my mind, like aeroplanes, a few of the many that I have collected over my nine years of mothering. I should get my children to bed earlier. I should give them less screen time, or it shouldn’t happen first thing in the morning, or I should manage the whole issue of screens in a better, different way. I should give them less choice about what they eat. I should make sure they eat more fresh foods and less sugar. I should make them help around the house more. I should hold the structure of the day better. I should make sure everyone stays at the table when we’re eating. I should take steps towards weaning my daughter. I should never resort to threats – to the ‘if you don’t stop x, you won’t get y’ pattern. And so on and so forth – you get the gist. And because I do not do these things - and I imagine a thousand other mothers who are doing them wonderfully - I feel ashamed. I realise as I write this that my ‘shoulds,’ as listed here, are nice, white, middle class ones- signs of privilege. Shame is a heavy word and it is associated with far darker things than letting your kids watch too much telly. I want to acknowledge that my issues are trifling compared to those many have to navigate, but shame, whatever the context, is still shame and it is powerful. As someone who was once anorexic, I know that shame can sit alongside privilege and that, where present, it undermines the ease of even the most comfortable life.

Back in Jan 2019 I wrote a blog about guilt. I now think I was muddling up some of my guilt and my shame. In general, I feel guilty about specific instances that have an immediate, present moment, ground-level reality: I shouted at my son when he blasted water over the bathroom with the shower head and that triggered one of his big, aggressive rages. If I feel guilty about something, I can say sorry about it, to the person or people I have wronged, and then it’s over. Shame, for me, is more like the ongoing aeroplanes, it is long term - a long haul flight. On the bad days, motherhood seems like a very lengthy exam, the end of it still twenty years away. My children are not the examiners – certainly not for now – they are the results. Depending on how the children turn out, I will pass or fail. There are external examiners, keeping track, making notes, of all the things I am doing or not doing. And who are they, these examiners? I think, somewhere in my psyche, there is an impressive panel of them, made up of everyone who has ever shared ‘a should’ with me, from the author of the book on what to eat during pregnancy, to the woman in the queue who wanted my son to be in socks, to the many other authors, friends and strangers who have offered me advice - they are all sitting there, scribbling on their notepads, shaking their heads. They are not bad people. Many of them are people for whom I have enormous respect, which makes it worse. I believe in their advice – seriously, I should be following it.

In my blog on guilt, I found my guilt a figure – made it into an image that helped me connect to the things that mattered to me, lying underneath the guilt. It turned out to be a Mary Poppins-like character, flying a kite. I think my shame has a very different form. There is the panel of judges, frowning from a distance, and then there is the shame herself, much closer in, and, like the sound of the low-flying planes, she’s monstrous.

My son’s latest obsession is the Beast Quest books (he has moved on from My Little Pony - woe betide you if you mention his former interest to him). There are over a hundred Beast Quest books, all with the same basic formula – boy meets monster. Giant birds, snakes, insects, spiders, bears, apes, hounds, trolls, ogres, dragons – you name your flavour of nightmarish monster, it will be there. I am glad to say there is a reasonable spread of gender representations across the monsters – sadly none of them are trans but there are some mothers. My ‘shame monster’ is definitely a mother. She is immense, stinking, gruesome and green. Her roar is the soundtrack of my days, to which I have grown accustomed. In some of the Beast Quest books the beasts are evil and must be destroyed, but in some they are good, set under an evil curse, from which they must be freed. I think my monstrous shame mother is one of these – good at heart but under pressure, after years of judgement, she has turned malevolent. And here is the irony: I believe her malevolent aspect has a more toxic impact on my children and our household, than any of the things such as screen time, sugar, late nights, unstructured days, which have driven her into this terrible state. Her constant growling makes me tense, fractious and very, very tired. I don’t think I can go on like this. So, what to do? How to release her from the curse? And who would she be without it?

Often the opposite of shame is presented as pride. But I think pride too is problematic – the panel of judges, external examiners, is still present in the dynamic, it’s just that they are giving out good marks instead of bad. So, if the shame-beast, when transformed, does not turn into the proud mother, who does she become?

As ever, when I am wrangling with a question in my mothering, I look to my making for answers. Throughout the lockdown I have been writing whenever I can. Always, when the children are having their screen time. Often, when I should be getting them dressed, or focussing on making us breakfast, or preparing them for bed. I don’t write because I should. I write because I want to do it, because it helps me give things meaning, because it brings me joy. I think back to that teary moment on the golf course, watching the children run ahead of me over the grass. What made the worry lift, the planes stop, the monster turn out good? Yes, I think it was a moment of joy. I think, when the gory green monster is not sweating with shame, she is lit up with joy.

So much, so often, is laid at the mother’s door. On the one hand we are ‘just’ being mums, with minimal status, doing an insignificant job, and on the other, we are accorded huge significance – everything can be traced back to us, to our care or the lack of it, our early influence. I do not wish to deny our responsibility as mothers, but I do not believe our shame helps us to shoulder it, or that we should shoulder it alone. When I started Mothers Who Make I wanted it to be a held peer-support space where women could share their challenges without shame, and celebrate, even cultivate, their joy. I wanted to create a group in which we did not find further fault, did not inadvertently end up undermining or judging one another, adding to the great big bundles of shoulds already carried. It is why it is still vital to me that we welcome every kind of mother – breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, those who keep their mothering and their making strictly separate, those who take their children to work – every kind. It is also the same impulse that lies behind our Matronage scheme. Rather than a panel of judges telling us whether or not we are worthy, I want to see whether we can hold each other up. We have been asking people to become our ‘Matron Saints’ by giving us the price of a coffee a month - £3. We need 300 of you to become self-sustaining. So far we have a fantastic 99! Once we reach 100, I am going to announce a new project in celebration– a way, I hope, to keep the same ethos of grassroots peer-support alive and kicking – kicking off the shoulds, turning them into wishes and dreams.

And in the meantime, whilst you are all rushing to bring us over the 100 Matron Saint mark, (go here to do so: www.motherswhomake.org) these are your questions for the month: as a mother and/ or as a maker what are the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ you carry around with you? Do your ‘shoulds’ turn into shame? And then- as an antidote to this -what brings you joy? In your mothering? In your making? As we slowly emerge out of this pandemic, can you do more of this? Can you create a more shameless world? Can you help make the monsters joyful?

[first-man-adams-blog]

Tagged by Cat and MM of @justafictionalthing!

Thanks guys! 💖

3 Ships:

In general? Well, I only ship what seems compatible to me in fiction...but the three I’ll share because we’re currently reading a book from the series.

The book series is “Wings of Fire” by Tui Sutherland, and Aary and I are currently reading the latest book that came out. Because it’s on the brain and it would be a bit awkward to talk “ships” about people from his world...Wings of Fire ships it is.

Some background information: Wings of Fire is a book series by one of the authors of Warriors (the cat books) under the penname Erin Hunt, and is told from the perspective of dragons in a land called Pyrriah. There are three archs so far, these three “ships” are from each arch.

DarkWatcher-In the second arch, there’s a character named Moonwatcher and she can read minds as well as see the future. I won’t get into it...but she is contacted by another dragon that can do the same, named Darkstalker. He’s...basically the Aaravos of his story. lol

Don’t compare me to that child, Starlight.

Well you are pretty similar at least in “character type”. Ancient ‘evil’ threats, feared by the future generations of your own people, and imprisoned because you’re too powerful and/or clever to be killed after supposed dangerous ambitions are revealed. I don’t know yet about you...but he was planning on taking over all of Pyrriah and basically enslaving all other dragons’ minds to keep the peace. It sounds great in theory, but taking away free will is wrong.

...yes I suppose you have a point there. That wasn’t my goal, though.

I know, and I’m glad... Anyway, Darkstalker could also read minds and see the future, but he was trapped in the mountain near the one Moonwatcher went to school in (again, long story...) They started talking throughout her book and I thought they had a genuine friendship going for them...which they did. Darkstalker did care for Moonwatcher on a friendly level at least, but...

From what I was told, he still manipulated her. Using his rare gift of magic to enchant an item that caused everyone around him to instantly feel they could trust and believe in him.

I won’t deny that is a clever ploy...and in his place I may have done the same to prevent the past repeating itself.

Yeah...

But I would not influence your own thoughts and feelings that way even if I could.

Thanks...I appreciate that. Anyway, before the end of that arch where he was defeated kind of anticlimactically but at least not by being killed...I had hope for DarkWatcher. I thought it would be cute if one of my favorite dynamics was used. With the morally grey maybe-bad guy becoming a better person through the good character he cares about. I knew it wouldn’t be canon, but it seemed a cute concept after I found a few other people that shared my thoughts. Especially when I learned how young he was when he was imprisoned. Mentally he was Moon’s age still.

I still think it was wasted potential...and I hope the same thing does not happen in The Dragon Prince.

ClayPeril-I don’t remember how you say it, but Clay and Peril also from the book series. They were cute and I’m glad the relationship went how it did. It wasn’t rushed and Clay was oblivious for the longest time...but it made sense and I enjoyed it. They’re in the first arch of the series of books.

SunWillow-Same book series, but from the third arch. This is actually a female/female relationship and it is really cute. They act like any other couple, nothing about gender being an issue. The real issue is that they’re from different tribes (same species, but separate branches) so kind of a Juliet and Juliet situation. lol Except they survive the entire book and beyond it looks like, and the relationship is not the focus of the book. They have a bigger plot they’re dealing with.

I never thought much about relationships in the books I consumed. I did have a few choice thoughts about some that were “canon” as Starlight calls it, but I was more interested in the plot of the story.

Same here, but I still can’t help being a romantic at heart. lol

Which is something I find adorable about you~

Oh shush. > > I also am in total support of all the couples here in this community. I love reading about your relationships too.

Last Song: “Believer” by Imagine Dragons Somehow it reminds me of Aaravos a bit...at least some of the lyrics. lol

Last Movie: Avatar, I think. The one that’s more or less just Pocahontas (or rather Dances with Wolves to be more accurate to the plot formula) with blue aliens. I still enjoy it, but only the middle where they are showing you the world of Pandora through Jake being taught how to be one of the Na’vi by Natiri. Plus Aary and I saw some gif sets on Tumblr so I thought I’d see what he thought of it.

Agreeing with Starlight, the middle section was fascinating. The beginning and end...

I got enough of those themes from my past. Hearing the preachy way they hammered in their environmentalist and “most humans are ignorant scum” message, as well as the ignorance of one race over the other...I left Xadia to get away from that.

Well it exists here too...

I know...but I don’t have to sit through a whole hour of the unrealistic side of it at least. No one realistically acts like those trigger-happy military grunts. In Xadia or here.

In other words, if we watch it again we’re just skipping to the part where Jake is permitted to learn to be one of the people and stuff. We really couldn’t stand how arrogant and disrespectful he was before then...but hey, character development happened through the middle part so that was nice.

Hm, more or less.

Currently Reading: Remember what I said above about those three ships being relevant to this question? We’re currently reading Dragonslayer. It’s from the same series mentioned ships are from, “Wings of Fire”. Dragonslayer is a side-story book which gives more world-building information that I think will become relevant to the rest of the series at some point. But where the rest of the series is from the perspective of dragons, this is the one book told from the perspective of humans, which are another sentient race on that planet.

We get a look into their side of the story. How they live and what they think of dragons, etc. It’s similar to Aary’s world with adults living lies and young people exposing those lies and trying to change years of conflict. Even though they can’t communicate with the other species on the same level. Except one character...

I’m rather fond of Wren. We have similar chaotic energy.

He actually low-key joked about adopting her.

I still would like to, but she doesn’t trust people anymore. Especially adults.

Very true. XD But yeah, that’s what we’re reading. When we’re done with that I kind of want to reread The Poison Jungle, the book that came out before this one.

I am intrigued as well...I never thought books about dragons would interest me after my history with them. Of course, like people, dragons are individual. So I suppose that’s why.

I’m glad you feel that way!

You may have had a hand in it~

Currently Consuming: Food-wise? Or media-wise? Food-wise I had a hot pocket and coffee for breakfast. Media-wise...still obsessed over The Dragon Prince and of course what they’ll do next with my Danger Star. XD

Let’s see how accurate they are when they continue~

Tagging 9 People:

@wegotasatanselfshipperere/@happyallykats (either account, but just in case your boi has opinions to share. lol) @prince-of-nature @cynder-the-aculite @no-d4y-but-tod4y @francis-norman-furter @sekiros-blossom @seanmacguireswife @fandomsoffeelings/@selfshipfeelings (either account) @atricksterproblem

Only if you want to though. lol

[marui-bunta]

idk if this is a rant or wat but whatever

So I made a post a while ago on how Yamamoto Kotetsuko is one of the best mangakas of the boys' love genre, because of her fluffy, cute and funny af stories/plots/characters, and somehow I really feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical because I really despise rape/abuse/pedophilia/etc in any genre of story, but somehow I became really interested in Ogawa Chise's work.

Who's Ogawa Chise? This mangaka is probably one of the most twisted writer I've ever read, because I'm a pussy and don't read that much so I don't have any other writer to compare. Going back to Ogawa Chise, this artist, apart from twisted af, is really versatile.

I came upon their work on youtube, there was a channel for a while uploading some short BL mangas with their respective BLCD, which I enjoy very much, because I'm obsessed with seiyuu-san; I saw first Gousan no Heart or Miscalculation of Heart, which is actually really fluffy (that's how I was deceived into this artist in particular), if you haven't read it, the story goes like this: Miki is a playboy and one day at school he listens to Udou, a honor student and all that crap bocchama gentleman bullshit, talking with a girl, more like the girl begging him to give her a chance to have him like her, which he refuses and Miki goes to the rescue and meddles in saying Udou is dating him, and you can guess what goes on later on. This story has a spin off that's about Udou's older brother and his friend from middle school and their story also develops blah blah blah and they are cute and fluffy, there's another one that's reaaaaaaally fluffy, it has a huge ass name so I'm gonna mention the characters' names (or last names....?) they are Okachimachi (the top) and Fujima (the cute lil bottom) and also there's one that's like Arabian themed which I can not remember much, but it's really soft and cute all over

I haven't read all of their work, but I've read quite the amount? and Ogawa Chise's work IS VERY TWISTED, like be careful if you read their work because it includes sexual/physical abuse, rape, incest (both between siblings and a dad and his son), there's this really weird one shot about a demon at the stairs of a certain window at a certain high school, I can't recall much because I was almost sleeping while reading it AND what I think is their longest running work, Caste Heaven, it does include all of the above themes, except, I think, incest/pedophilia idk.

I'm not gonna go much into detail about it, because I might trigger anyone and I don't want to, but it's weird. I got really trapped in the plot, more like I want Azusa to live in peace and Karino to stop abusing him, and I don't want them together, I want anyone with Azusa but Karino, but smh the latest ch was actually kind of........ They resembled an actual couple?????? i'm very confundida, like a part of me wants them to be in a healthy relationship like Atsumu and Kuze (they sort of areeee...? idk anymore, Atsumu grew up a lot throughout the manga tbh and it's like the most rational character of this manga?......) but my rational half of my brain knows it won't be that way and they'll come to terms BUT their past relationship will be seen through anyways.

I usually read fluffy ass mangas, and avoid these ones the most, because if they get too psychological I have to go back and read all over again and I get bored.

I read Killing Stalking til the end and it made me sick, I couldn't stand reading more than a few pages in one go because it made me feel really bad, tense and really anxious. I just read it out of curiosity because EVERYONE was like read it read it you won't regret it, and boi i regret it.

Caste Heaven is really tense too but it's a well thought plot, in despite of all of the disgraces that happen in the book, AND the mangaka usually includes a few bonus pages with some hilarious shorts in order to lighten up the mood a bit (the artist says so in those pages and they do actually cheer you up), it's usually Azusa bickering with either Karino or Kuze.

It's not like I'm freaking obsessed with this manga, I don't find a word to replace 'enjoy', because I don't completely enjoy reading it, but I'll continue reading it because it is an interesting plot, and it's well developed and I want Tatsumi and Senzaki back together, like I'm sad for them and for Inukai and Anji, their ending made me REALLY REALLY sad I actually cried and for the crybaby I am (which I am, I cry while listening to SNSD's Into the new world, because of my S♡NE ot9 big fat ass), I don't usually cry with manga.

[avenger-hawk]

What other minor and/or major fandoms are you in? (Or what other shows/series do you keep track of?)

This might be boring to read because there are people who are up to date with manga/anime/tv shows/movies while I’m the opposite xD I’m the type of person who sticks with something they love to the point of obsession for a very long time.

Other than the Naruto one, the last fandom I joined was the MetaMoro fandom (italian singers and beautiful couple), last year. I never shipped real people in my whole life cause I don’t care about real people enough, and cause found it kinda creepy (btw I bet tumblr police has something to say about this as well) but things happen and you can’t control what you like (hi again tumblr morality police), besides, there is no fanservice in Italy for this kind of things, it’s not like idols or kpop bands or US celebrities, so..I didn’t even want to be active in the fandom tbh, but I just happened to write some comments in my tags and then I received asks and suddenly people were interested in my opinion, then in my ideas so they suggested prompts and before I knew it I was posting angsty darkfics lol ( so this is the fandom that steals my time from naruto fic writing)

I’m not in other fandoms, these 2 take too much time already, and most of the anime/shows I like are either quite old or over since a while. I don’t know most of the shows people talk about, and when I stumble on their gifs/images I just don’t feel interested.

I am a Game of Thrones fan, I sometimes wrote a few comments on episodes and with my personal blog I follow GoT blogs with gifs and edits, but I don’t read fics and I never read fan theories though.

Before Naruto my favourite manga/anime were Gensoumaden Saiyuki (I wasn’t into it anymore but they published the Gaiden prequel volumes in my country and I almost cried reading the end for how beautiful and sad it was) and most of it all Bleach…I loved it so much, I read fics, searched for doujinshi and fanarts, saved screenshots. It was in my heart for years, and it still is even though I didn’t follow it that much, so when it ended I wasn’t as angry as for Naruto, for example. But I periodically think (more like obsess) about it again, when I stumble on stuff online. And I do periodically think, more like, replay, the scenarios I would think about, my ‘bedtime stories’ lol, as back then I didn’t even consider writing a fic.

I recently read the Psycho Pass manga for the first time, as I had watched the anime already. Then I rewatched the anime and I liked it even more than the first time, so much that I obsessively sought fanarts and fics, too bad that my fave ship is popular only in the reverse top/bottom dynamic compared to the one I like

I’m deeply into Noragami which is the latest manga I’ve been reading, I want to watch the anime but I haven’t yet. Also I haven’t looked for fanarts/fics, even though I really love Yato, and I am very intrigued by the angsty parts like when he cried getting to know his shinki’s past, or when he’s stung and blighted when his shinki has bad thoughts &co. Or the way his father manipulated him, or when he was bitten by Hiyori gone ayakashi…This kind of things is my kind of things, so I’m all in for the dark side of it, but I’m afraid I’m a minority so I don’t even bother looking for stuff. (maybe this was better in the other ask about crack ships lol)

Also because I often drop shows/anime when I disagree with the plot, and especially with tv series this happens a lot cause they keep them going on and on season after season and annoying shit happens, like, I was a fan of The 100 (and I shipped Claire/Lexa and Lincoln/Octavia) but after Lexa died and there was the season finale/cliffhanger for the next one I stopped watching cause I disliked it. Or Vikings but same, I didn’t like it anymore after the first series, it’s like certain stories go out of hand and become ‘too big’ and I can’t put up with that kind of absurdity. And I have an open mind, my favourite stories are those that question reality, so my concept of absurdity is related to unbelievable because it’s badly written imo. Same for Mr Robot, I watched it all but I didn’t like certain things and I’m afraid I’m gonna hate the next season. Or Sense 8, but that was canceled and I even managed to quit it before the forced ending lol. I’m a huge fan of Star Trek The Next Generation and BattleStar Galactica, I bingewatched the latter on a summer, like when I bingewatched LOST with my ex, who was addicted on series more than I. He was an ass*ole but he made me watch good stuff lol. Like cute Pushing Daisies. Older series are more interesting imo. It’s like the popular ones are like videogames, each season with a bigger ‘aim’, while others are canceled without even trying to continue and see if people get to like them. Some stories grow on people more slowly, but they don’t get it. The latest show I tried to watch was American Gods, its concept seemed interesting and I like the many different cultures and mythologies it refers to, but I found certain things disturbing/triggering so I stopped.

I also liked Death Note but for the story more than the characters. I was reading Tomodachi Game cause it’s quite similar for certain things but I have to catch up. Oh and I never finished Nabari No Ou, even though I liked it. Why didn’t I finish? I forgot. Same for Gintama. Like pretty much anyone else I read manga with an app and I watch anime/shows on my laptop and I decided to read more paper books instead, and use devices less, so I follow my favourite musicians/bands, and ofc my 2 fandoms and mostly I write my fics. Or, well, I try to.

[tinymixtapes]

Feature: Insomniac Focus

Drew McDowall’s work extends well before Coil’s 1998 album Time Machines, but his major releases from that work to now is more than enough to explore. Coil fans, I know you’re set. It’s partly you who I had in mind when I welched on my assignment for his latest solo album, The Third Helix. You likely have alerts on this guy, and no amount of critical descriptors (“harrowing,” “cavernous,” “dreamscape,” “hallucinatory,” “bleak,” “trance-inducing,” etc.) are going to make any difference to you. And, as for neophytes, McDowall is not only an easy sell, but one who you likely have to get to ass backwards. And in these diffuse, cherry pick-enabling internet times, that’s something. We tend to keep our paths of discovery close to the vest against the snotty record store clerk in our heads. I say “we,” because I’m a newbie myself at 38. I did meet a classmate in my junior year of college who tried to help me with my post-NIN fan, small town ignorance, but it was to little effect. I don’t wanna admit I got into Blackest Ever Black and PAN artists before McDowall, but it’s true. There is no tomorrow, so allow me to show my ass in this regard. It took time — and a closer friend with a staggering record collection — to show me the way. I won’t blame blowing my assignment on anything but me, but I will offer the assertion that Drew McDowall’s music is alive in ways that language is not. Although McDowall, John Balance, and Peter Christopherson collaborated on Time Machines, you could hardly call it a conversation. It feels more like an unstable, massive hum, with the creative instinct of human interference put in restraints. It’s the sound of artists getting out of their own way, carving out a path for something that doesn’t sing so much as surge like blood or water or electricity (it resists analogy, so I’m inclined to reach for more elementary terms). If the intention was to induce the loss of a sense of time, it dissolved critical faculties in the process as well. It is sound happening to you. Whatever a train does to you when you hear it, before you even begin to get to the typical leitmotifs. Whatever a tuning orchestra makes you feel, before you remind yourself not to feel anything about it. There is suspense, sure, but there’s also the flat pulse of pure sensation. Time Machines hunkers down and dispels reaction in favor of presence. Of true immersion. Of rote and unquestioning self-sacrifice to a sensorily consuming source. The tracks being named after psychotropic drugs and the perhaps unavoidable (there’s always “repeat all”) reality of their finiteness are the only things stopping this machine. It has you without a hello. Time Machines hunkers down and dispels reaction in favor of presence. Of true immersion. It’s curious that this towering, uncompromisingly minimal work is collaborative, while his eventual solo material doesn’t shy from a comparatively genre-friendly, kitchen-sink aesthetic. But more on that in a bit. First, a decade-plus later, some more from the creative alliance dept. Having familiarized myself with Psychic Ills, McDowall’s collaboration with Tres Warren as Compound Eye was on my 2013 radar. Their music intrigued in ways that the sturdy psych rawk of Psychic Ills never did. I liked it enough to save it, but never got too deep. So McDowall’s presence didn’t properly register until researching him this year, even after the aforementioned friend gave me his free download code for 2017’s Unnatural Channel. Having familiarized myself with McDowall, it’s easy to see that the man never quite got triggering-then-getting-out-the-way-of-strong-currents out of his system in the intervening years. It contains that blissful, sci-fi pastoral modular babbling that is really nothing to turn off, but the album is balanced with the (watch me writhe, beset by stultifying magnetic poetry adjectives) vast, impassive coursings of McDowall’s high water mark material. The album title, Journey From Anywhere, reinforces the notion of not ruining vital elements of sonic procession with basic human shit. Both are men, with presumable communication skills, but never does conversation seem like an apt analogy. Their collaboration is a numb sort of cooperative sentience, toiling as a vessel for steady, sluicing flow. Destiny being God and human’s favorite crap joke alike, the void really deserves more credit. Compound Eye’s shimmering, delicate, 69-minute reverie comes across like a humble attempt to give the nothing its due. It simmers in rote bodily function reality, even as it attempts to merge with the least dense, most windless air it can manage to breathe. Another collaborative work, The Ghost of Georges Bataille (released on Bank earlier this year), is less of a curious animal, but enticing nonetheless. Hiro Kone (a.k.a. Nicky Mao) specializes in elegant digital snowdrift downtempo. She, like McDowall, is a friend to contemplative melancholy as a default mode. But similarly to McDowall, she’s careful to augment her traditional rainstreaked Aphex brooding with character-rich textures that teeter on the brink of encroachment. Here, McDowall pushes this bordering that much closer. Each haunted progression is enshrouded with warm yet disorienting clamor. Similarly to the post-Boards re-tooling of Dalhous, Bataille takes away the head-nod in favor of a swirled sort of distance. This blithe obfuscation renders that tradition of pastoral, half-remembered dream progressions that much more affecting. McDowall excels as a bit player as well. In 2015, he featured on Ben Greenberg’s (Sacred Bones engineer, Men) debut with Michael Berdan (York Factory Complaint) as Uniform. As much as the album is a scorcher par excellence and far superior (and I’m edging on apples/oranges territory here), what “Death Star” is to The Future of War, “Lost Causes” is to Perfect World. McDowall’s hermetic throb steals the show on an album of showstoppers. Then, ably displaying his adaptability to ambient techno, McDowall lent his modular chops to another album highlight on Hiro Kone’s 2017 album, Love is the Capital. “Rukhsana” is a shorter track, but it still bears the unmistakable fingerprints of McDowalls absorptive approach. With these drop ins, McDowall redeems the notion of the guest spot from mere name-dropping and seamlessly applies his methodology rather than his personal stamp. Now, back to 2015 and Drew McDowall’s first official solo release under his own name, Collapse. As I mentioned, McDowall wound up being decidedly less reductive once left to his own devices. Similarly to Prurient’s later output, there is a concerted effort to tacitly merge monophonic direness with monolithic earthen beast-sloughing reverbations, whelmed to the edge of over. Dark monophony has retained a lasting power, even if the grubby fingers of branding-obsessed metal aestheticians have rendered its keenings almost cute. These are the ones who cry “false metal,” which in and of itself is false. It’s no different than complaining about how football has changed or how a comic book adaptation oughta be. True artisans of inner and outer darkness are not beholden to purist genre fetishism. They survive, thrive, and die by their virtue in this exploration. By their unwaveringly limitless drive, we are able to imbibe the vast shimmering terror innate to existence. While Collapse may not be the most chilling thing out there, its black satin bug eyes affix you to where you are and evaporate your culture-soaked lunges for contextual asidery. Collapse by Drew McDowall True artisans of inner and outer darkness are not beholden to purist genre fetishism. They survive, thrive, and die by their virtue in this exploration. Things only seemed to get better with 2017’s Unnatural Channel, though it’s of a piece enough that “seem” might be the operative word. There are two tracks featuring words/vocals from Roxy Farman (of superb NYC duo Wetware, also a guest on the Hiro Kone album), but the key adjustment is a Vanity Records-like focus on the embracing of silent rests. Of course, the fidelity is higher, but the unrelenting hesitation of that legendary label’s best material (namely, Tolerance’s 1981 LP, Divin) is a curious early precedent. Even with the presence of a singer, Farman’s recitation of “this is what it’s like, sleep deprived” is just as innately infused as the “I convulsed” sample on the last record. And her whooping and schizo mutterances on closer “Recognition” are essential but unshowy bits of punctuation. All spaciousness aside, the tetanus textured throb of “Unnatural Channel (Part 2)” is a sort of head-nodder, but even this winds up being more of a cautious slink through a confusing party (boring? bad scene? twisted? brilliant?) than a departure. Although the bowstring bouncing on The Third Helix opener echoes Unnatural Channel’s “Tell Me The Name,” “Rhizome” initially feels like a proper departure. Not unlike the airy skittering of Actress’s R.I.P, this tune initially seemed like a wrong turn. It’s lovely, especially when the “Sinking of the Titanic” strings come in, but it feels almost lateral rather than expansive. The touchstones come too easy. It’s a fascinating track, the way it swells and glitches out abruptly, but it’s also strangely on-the-nose for this artist. Things get better and back to the same (“Proximity” sounds cut from the same cloth) from there, but one couldn’t be blamed for mistaking Third Helix for a Helm, Fis, or post-Virgins Tim Hecker album. Of course, he is a sort of godfather to said touchstones, but similarly to the atemporal realm of Time Machines, this sort of sine wave slippage reads more familiar than it actually is. And, for what it’s worth, why shouldn’t masters be genuinely influenced by their descendants (beyond tokenistic exaggerations)? Chances are, they are beholden to a lot of the same technology anyway. Taken another way, McDowall’s newest is a sort of long-distance collaboration with those who’ve been inspired by him and his rarefied peer group. Conscious or not, its blending with the aesthetics of younger, like-minded artists could be seen as a rejection of the notion of hierarchy in musical succession, one way or the other. The Third Helix is an endearingly solid listen, and it deserves a place among the heralded releases of 2018. Similarly to the previous two (all on Dais), the album’s tracks don’t stray too far past the five-minute mark. Despite this, they stretch out in the ears like ancient aural cobwebs, making one feel as lived-in as the planet itself. I’ve tried not to use the word “innovation” here. Too often, the notion of innovation is whittled down to novelty, and reinventing the wheel is not what makes McDowall’s third-act material so worthwhile. More so, it’s the sense of earnest drive. The deep affinity for life’s rich tangent. That it’s darkly fixated is no more material than that the blues are despondent. Actually, the best of that long deracinated-to-pilloried genre has much of the same turning-oneself-inside-out quality. Even if Drew McDowall never tops himself or others in this quietly industrious field of wide-eyed abstraction, he is set to remain a stirring essential to every cerebral wandering ear, regardless of prerequisites or lack thereof. http://j.mp/2RBEqkz

[techouspeaks]

A Review Of Something: Aikatsu Stars!

With my latest Aikatsu Review, does this newer series spice up the World of Aikatsu or does it fall flatter than a flat note? Here’s my review of the successor of the first series!

Review may contain spoilers!

The world of Aikatsu extends out to a new series. The plot is relatively the same but the series takes place in a brand new school with of course, brand new characters and new set of rules to the franchise.

“The series features a new protagonist named Yume Nijino. Yume aims to become a top idol, and she enrolls in the Yotsuboshi Gakuen (Four Star Academy). This academy has a special group called the S4, who are the top four active idols in the school. Yume and the other first-year students aim to become a part of the S4. In the second season "Hoshi no Tsubasa" (Star Wings), Venus Ark, a new rival school to the protagonist Yume Nijino's Yotsuboshi Gakuen that uses a ship as its schoolhouse, will appear.”

Last time, I said that the previous series the characters (with the exception of a few) and plot were pretty weak, but the characters that are good are good and the ones that don’t stand out as strong, are at least charming with good animation and designs. So does this new series fix those problems I mention? Well, yeah it does actually.

Yeah, you got Yume who is pretty much another happy go lucky leader type, but she’s honestly not that bad. The other characters though, have a charm that makes them stand out and the characters are relatively deep compared to the last series characters. Yeah, they have some here and there that feel more of a type, but then you have characters like Hime, Laura, Mahiru and Tsubasa that feel more rounded and have their own agendas.

The first season plot is more interesting to follow as we get a pretty shady headmaster, with his own intentions and a mysterious power that Yume gains somehow. This power allows her to excel well in her Aikatsu, but it also causes her to become so weak she faints and it only is triggered out of sheer luck. Meaning, she can’t do it on command. Yeah, it’s one of those convenient plot devices but it’s not too distracting, as it’s not the main focus. 

We also have the mission of the characters making into S4, which is like the lead girls that take care of everything, from taking care of the school itself to even teaching other students as like secondary teachers.

Oh, what can I say about them?  (Going from left to right on the picture) My favorite is Tsubasa of course, since she’s kinda the boyish one, but she has an elegance to her. Hime is the shy sweet type but she is very mature and a very big supporter of Yume. She may seem just elegant and sweet but when it comes to her responsibilities, she takes it very seriously. Yozora is the big sister of the group, helps because she is also the big sister of Mahiru, one of our main characters and Yuzu...Yuzu is kinda Otome 2.0 but I find her more entertaining to watch than Otome. I love how she tries to skip her duties, but sometimes gets captured by fellow classmates, sometimes in a hilarious and over the top manner. Plus, God I love their uniforms! I would wear that even with the skirt! I don’t even mind the skirt and usually I don’t wear skirts or dresses (don’t even own any)!

The other main cast are good too. Mahiru has a knack for design. In one episode she teaches three girls that were putting way too much make up, spray tan and hair styling spray to look like great idols, the importance of looking naturally yourself. I like how the episode teaches that make up was made to enhance your look and it’s not a bad thing. It can be used responsibly. 

Laura is pretty much Yume’s rival and she starts off as a brat at first but does grow gradually as a character. She’s kinda rebellious and just wants to be a great idol, like Yume but eventually realizes that she wants to do it her own way. I won’t spoil it too much here, but she does learn a lesson I think a lot of shows about idols tend to miss out.

Another thing that adds a twist to the story is that there are specific classes that students can take, such as a class for singing, a class for acting, a class for dancing, ect. I like this idea since it shows that they understand everyone is different. Sometimes those who can sing well, can’t dance and those that dance well may not be able to sing or act. 

The second season plot, I won’t spoil too much but it revolves around a girl name Elza Forte, who is a headmaster and owner of a school of her own, which is a giant boat that travels the world. This is mainly due to her family being actual royalty. It hasn’t been explained that much. She wants all the best idols to join her school and she targets Hime, but in order to get to Hime, she believes she needs to get Yume to join the school, hoping Hime will follow along.  (I don’t get the logic in that but okay.)

I will be honest, I normally hate characters like Elza, being I hate characters that spoiled brats, but I actually love this character. She’s so over the top about it and when you learn a little bit of what she is really like, she’s not that bad, least in terms of personality. Her goals though are crazy as hell but that’s part of what makes her kinda hilarious and you kinda wonder if she’s being threatening or doing it out of complete good intentions. Then you have her, what would be “lackies” are actually good friends of hers. Their names are Rei and Koharu.

Rei (girl in green eyes) is another one of my favorite characters. Who can blame me? I love boyish girls and tomboys. Rei often acts like a boy and is Elza’s secretary. She’s very insightful and very athletic and loves kendo. She’s also very mysterious. I won’t say why though. 

Kokaru is the girl in blue and pink hair and honestly...she’s a rather weak to me. She’s basically another hyper active girl that’s all cute and excited and when someone makes her mad, she makes a face to scare people, but it’s just meh. She’s not terrible but you’ve seen this character a dozen and one times and honestly nothing about her makes her stand out, aside from her creepy obsession with Elza. Aikatsu Stars though has many well rounded characters though, it’s forgivable. 

So yeah, this series is very amped up with good characters and plot, even if the plots are kinda corny, it’s still a rather interesting plot than before. The animation has gotten much better, though I will admit, the new art style was distracting to me a bit. They basically tried a moe kinda look. It was a little distracting but after a while, I got use to it. 

The songs have gotten better. Like with most series, there are a few songs that aren’t that catchy but then you have songs like Future Transit, Summer Tears Diary, Tsubomi to the Vivid Future, Episode Solo, Honey Bee’s Kiss and Bon Voyage that make it all the more worth it. Like last series, most of the songs touch upon different subjects and often depending on the character that sings it the most. In other words, they’re not just love songs like so many idol anime tends to do these days and the song fits the character personally in some ways. Seriously, people are different. Not everyone can connect with falling in love! That’s what I love about Aikatsu! Both series gets it!

So yes, I highly recommend Aikatsu Stars! You don’t even need to watch the first series to get into it. It’s got a more interesting plot, well rounded characters that don’t just feel like types, great animation, designs and songs! First Aikatsu series got a 7 stars. For Aikatsu Stars, I am giving it a 9 stars out of 10! Work up on your idol activity and give it a watch!

9 Stars

Level: Awesome!

[cecillewhite]

Measurement Matters: 3 Data Analytics Lessons to Remember

Although I’ve spent my entire career in marketing and communications, measurement has never been far away. I’m not a natural-born statistics nerd. But these days, it’s hard for any of us to avoid analytics, no matter what we do for a living.

Since the start of the digital age, we’ve all been swimming in business data. Yet many of us still don’t take the time to use it in meaningful ways. Some of us avoid data analytics because it involves so many moving parts:

Valid and reliable methods

Robust tools

High-quality data

Appropriate benchmarks

And of course, relevant underlying logic.

It’s true, these elements aren’t always easy to align. But would you really rather fly blind? Imagine how much more you could achieve by investing some time and effort to put metrics on your side.

Even before data-based measurement became widespread, I saw its value at work in dozens of different business scenarios. Here are three of the most memorable examples:

Lesson 1: Find Your “North Star” Metric

Great data analytics tools are plentiful today. All those interesting apps and widgets may tempt you to spread your measurement efforts too thin. But just because you can track many metrics doesn’t mean you should.

It reminds me of the 1990s dude ranch comedy film “City Slickers,” when Billy Crystal’s middle-aged character, Mitch, shares a serious moment with a grizzled cowboy named Curly, played by Jack Palance:

CURLY: “Do you know what the secret of life is? One thing. Just one thing… MITCH: “Great. But what is the one thing? CURLY: “That’s what you’ve got to figure out.”

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Curly’s little nugget of wisdom is as useful in analytics as it is in life. Every organization has its own special sauce. If you know what sets you apart, you can quantify it. Isolating the one metric that matters most to your organization may not be easy. But it can make all the difference – not just for near-term performance, but for long-term success.

I learned this while working my way through college as a waitress at an upscale restaurant in Seattle. The place was so popular that people would wait an hour or more for a table. By the time most customers were seated, they were beyond hungry. That meant delivering a superior dining experience was essential. But how do you quantify quality?

The owners decided to keep customers coming back for more by uniting employees around one deceptively simple objective – hot food. In other words, success meant cooking every meal to perfection and serving it piping hot. Each of us worked toward performance metrics tied to that central objective.

As a waitress, my goal was to serve at least 90% of meals within 2 minutes of plating. Others had similar goals. With heightened awareness of the company’s mission, all employees became obsessed with hot food. Our behavior rapidly changed, and the culture soon followed.

Hot food may seem like an obvious success factor for any restaurant. But the right choice wasn’t as easy as it seems. In this case, the “north star” metric emerged only after a series of long and intense brainstorming sessions with customers, employees and business partners. It also required trial and error. But It was worth the effort.

Eventually, that metric became a beacon for every employee, and the organization became one of the Pacific Northwest’s most successful and storied fine dining establishments.

Lesson 2:  Measurement is a Nonstop Endeavor

Not so long ago, the road to business intelligence was tedious and expensive. Analysts measured performance by comparing static “before and after” snapshots on a weekly, monthly or quarterly basis. Data was compiled in batches that often took days to process before reports could be developed and distributed. The complexity and cost of real-time reporting put it far out-of-reach for all but the largest and wealthiest organizations.

I’ve faced this challenge several times in my career – even as recently as 10 years ago on the data analytics team at one of the world’s leading web services companies. With big-ticket advertising budgets on the line, we knew that faster insights could dramatically improve campaign results for the brands we served.

Of course, other digital economy players recognized the same opportunity. They, too, inched their way forward, compressing reporting turnaround times as quickly as their budgets and capabilities would allow. Suddenly, speed had become a driving force, as companies everywhere sought a competitive advantage by accelerating time-to-insight.

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No more. Now data is dynamic, plentiful and relatively cheap. It has become the fuel that drives remarkably sophisticated, easy-to-use online reporting tools that are also relatively cheap. (Free Google Analytics, anyone?) In fact, with nearly instant data so widely available at such a low cost, it seems that yesterday’s time-to-insight advantage has nearly evaporated.

So, where should you look to find a competitive advantage now? Ask anyone who treats analytics like breathing. Today, value comes from managing measurement as a continuous improvement process. The smartest companies proactively test, analyze, discover, improve and optimize. And that requires more than insights, alone. Which leads to my next lesson…

Lesson 3:  Analysis Without Action Is Pointless

Developing relevant KPIs (key performance indicators) is one thing. Putting them into practice is another. Data-based insights are useful only if you’re willing to act on what you uncover.

With so many analytics tools available today, organizations can become so focused on gathering data, perfecting metrics and generating reports that they lose sight of why they wanted the information in the first place. Developing a dashboard is relatively easy. Letting a dashboard guide your business decisions and behavior is much harder – especially when data tells a story you don’t want to hear.

I learned this the hard way a few years ago, while generating monthly marketing performance reports for a learning solutions provider. By combining data from multiple sources, we defined a handful of meaningful metrics. For each metric, we established benchmarks based on 12-month rolling averages for the previous year.

This became the foundation for a simple KPI dashboard that was timely, relevant and easy to digest. It was exactly what executives had requested. But I didn’t stop there. Each month, I wrote a companion analysis that interpreted the latest findings, explored the implications of those findings and suggested a course of action.

How did business leaders respond? Crickets. Their silence was deafening.

The problem wasn’t data overload. It wasn’t about analysis paralysis. It wasn’t even a “set-it-and-forget-it” mindset. It was something that data alone couldn’t fix. Leaders thought they wanted to track marketing program impact. But when results were difficult to digest, they chose to ignore troubling indicators instead of finding ways to improve.

Perhaps executives expected only “feel good” results. Or maybe middle managers sanitized negative data points and trend lines, so executives wouldn’t kill the messenger. But selective truth doesn’t change reality. And in this case, it didn’t lead to better business outcomes.

So perhaps the most important lesson of all is the hardest lesson to accept. Insight is only half of the measurement battle. Unless your organization is willing to face tough facts, you will never be able to move the meter in the right direction. You may not be doomed. But if you choose to do nothing, you are likely to keep stumbling through the wilderness.

Closing Notes

Business data can tell deeply powerful stories through analytics. Sometimes data will shout right out loud. Other times, it speaks only through a quiet whisper, a fleeting pause or a subtle shift in direction. But even in those tiny signals, data can speak volumes.

So tell me, what are you doing to give your data a useful voice? How closely are you listening to its message about your organization’s performance? And how do you respond?

If you have an analytics lesson to share, feel free to tell me about it at kkruse@talentedlearning.com.

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