#all similarities found between real people i know are entirely intentional i just didn't think you'd notice but hey the names are changed?

[iridescentdove]

👏I👏AM👏TIRED

of seeing so many Yandere! BSD x Reader, and it’s always the character or everyone being Yandere for Reader, I have to request a Platonic! BSD x Yandere! Teen! Reader, in which Reader is in any organization of your choice, and since Reader is underage, they see said organization as their family, precious people that they hold dear to their hearts, and don’t wish for any of them to die or leave and abandon them. This triggers their Yandere instincts, and ultimately they kill anybody who’s hurt their darlings in any way or attempts to "steal" their attention or worse, guide them away from Reader.

LONELINESS NO MORE.

platonic!bsd x yandere!teen!reader

A/N: It's nice to go a bit gruesome sometimes lol- anyways, so I just decided to choose the PM for this.

Let's just say you were similar to Dazai in a way. As a homeless young child, you had no home or family and friends to even call your own.

And to say the least? It was a little lonely.

This was something rather different, as you grew up to have an understanding that the world is never fair. Even before being taken into the Port Mafia by MORI, you were already much of an unhinged criminal yourself.

In a way, it was bad due to how young you were, but given this was a wretched world on it's own – many things can happen.

You killed, you stole, you did many things. At some point you probably rivaled Dazai's crime list because yours looked like an entire fucking receipt.

And that is what lesd you to the mafia.

MORI had found you, and went 'fuck it', deciding to just grab you and take you back with him to the base.

Well at first – you got a bit defensive, not knowing his real intention and thinking of fighting back yourself. But it was when he gave you new clothes, gave you food, and actually took responsibility of you was when you realized.

This man was just ... taking care of you.

And for the first time? You were really excited. It didn't take very long for you to grow accustomed to the Port Mafia.

Sure they made you do dangerous and gruesome missions, but you were used to it honestly. So it didn't matter that much. You met new faces and grew very attached to them, the dreaded loneliness that creeped into your heart grew into–

Obsession.

Yes, that's right. You found no other reason to dislike them at all, and they treated you like no one else ever did.

Like family.

CHUUYA was rather nice to you, despite his aggression and the rough edges he seems to pull off. Since you're underage, he drinks grape juice with you. Lmao ye, we love that shit. You liked being around him, defending him against accusations and giving him a shoulder to lean on.

He was like a brother to you. You adored most things about the fancy hat man. Scratch that, everything about him.

He releases one of those rare genuine smiles – mostly only to you, and he just thought you were the sweetest.

Oh, how wrong he was.

It was only one simple conversation. CHUUYA was talking to another mafia members in the lower ranks, discussing about the topic for the next PM meeting at hand.

Of course at first glance, they didn't look close at all. Just a normal chat between acquaintances. But did it make you mad?

Obviouely it did.

The very next day, the orange haired-man was looking for the same said man he spoke with the day before. Yet he was rather confused to see he wasn't around.

What the hell? Well that was weird, he could have sworn that he asked to meet them in this same spot right now.

Well, guess he wouldn't be meeting with them after all. In the distance, you were smiling – hiding that dead, cold expression on your face as you wiped the blood off the saw, a few splashee of blood and guts on the weapon.

But of course, you wouldn't let him know anything~ ♡

And simply, KOUYOU made it much easier. She was like a sweet, elder sister that spoiled you and taught you everything that you needed to know.

You simply loved her, and loved the times when you'd just hang around each other and dress one another up in various clothes. Be it trendy outfits or putting makeup on one another.

She took care of you as she should, and she grew very attached as well. KOUYOU was rather protective and sweet.

So when you saw her spoiling another girl in the picture, you were fucking livid.

How dare she pay more attention to another kid than you?

She was treating KYOUKA in private as if she was more important than you ever were. And it began to hardem your heart once more, growing angry at your elder sis paying more attention to some useless assassin.

You were way better than her, stronger even.

So imagine how relieved and prideful you felt when that girl had left the mafia to be with the detective agency instead. She wasn't even loyal! She doesn't deserve to be in the PM!

It left KOUYOU feeling agitated and sad, so you did what a younger sibling would do. You were the one comforting her, even manipulating her with your sweet words. You lured her in and had her give you more attention than before.

Just like how you wanted it to be.

AKUTAGAWA was honestly a tough nut to crack. You can easily tell he doesn't care about you at all. Well, he'd acknowledge your abilities a little but that's all you're getting.

But that won't stop you from killing those who tried to get even the slightest close to him.

After all, family members must stay with one another forever.

You didn't really mind much about that blonde girl who admires him and follows him around. It's not like she can take him away, he doesn't give a damn about her.

Plus, his sister was very nice! She gave you the love you needed, and she actually cared. Even though her brother was pretty cold, you'd think she also was – but in reality, GIN is a sweet, somewhat shy girl who gave you gifts and attention.

No matter which mafia member it was – wheneve ryou were with them, you were so sweet and caring, such an adorable teen who looks out for all of them and their wellbeing.

Yet behind closed doors, while they weren't looking, you glared daggers at other kids or people they payed attention to, your greedy self wanting all of it to yourself.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't!

You never held back. You spilled their guts out, you ripped out those fools' hearts – crushing it under your foot, knowing you deserved the love more than their ignorants asses ever did.

And most of all? No one noticed a thing. MORI had continued to send you out mission after mission. He didn't notice the desperate pleads of those immature adults, the heartbreaking cries of those innocent children.

If it was for family, you'd do anything.

After doing all that – you give them a sickly sweet smile, as you pull them to hang out and play with you, no questions asked.

They never noticed.

And quite clear, you were a sadistic young teen. After being so pissed seeing those people getting close to them, it's like a breath of fresh air when you hear the bloodcurdling screams coming from their mouths.

TACHIHARA wasn't that observant, but he could tell that there was something not right about you at all. Yet, he himself was not free from the depths of your pure, honest love. He'll find himself spoiling you, loving you – like you're his very own sister.

He was going to fall into the trap whenever he likes it or not, because you love them way too much.

If someone else tries to destroy that happiness,

They'll just have to dissapear like the rest.

[letterstodreams]

Helping Blind Love Cross The Street

Yes it's a weird title there, I know. But I like weird stuff and so it stays. It makes me think of helping our blind love, helping ourselves when our love is blind, to function, to keep from being blindsided by life and reality. Maybe helping others when their love is blind, or helping both of us, when those we love are as blindly in love as we are with them.

If it's then the blind leading the blind, maybe in this case some, if not all, of the blindness is due to blinders over our eyes, and it's partially curable. We can help the scales fall from our eyes, at least a little bit. And when we know we're rather blind ourselves, we can get help from someone or something else, even if it's just an idea, a practice, taken like medicine for our crazy minds and hearts, to tame them, just a bit, but hopefully enough. Writing and pondering helps me see ways to help my own often-blind love, and see how I maybe could help others too.

All this feels needed, since love is often blind. Even when it's not entirely blind, but based on beautiful and deep, and ever-so-real, strong things. Though if it's blind, it's often very clear-sighted too, allowing a person to see things they couldn't see and believe and know truths that suddenly feel like a recognition, a redemption, a healing so well-deserved and deeply needed.

So, love lets us see things we've known and needed our whole lives, but somehow didn't know that we knew. We didn't know just how much we really knew, until we felt it, and suddenly it was clear. But we didn't feel that deep recognition until someone helped us to see. Until they helped us to know and believe and feel what was deep in our bones, in our souls, hearts and deepest selves.

And yet, in spite of all that, even then sometimes those promises fall apart, the riches found go missing, the person or the situation changes, or the dream doesn't work the way it seems it should. Maybe the values and passions and truths we thought we suddenly knew turn out to be dust and mirage, in the end, somehow or other. Even if both people are virtuous and true and devoted to each other and the relationship, the imagined ideals might prove unreliable, unsustainable, and built on a false premise.

That is part of the blindness of love- It makes us hope, dream and believe and try for things that aren't realistic or based in reality sometimes. But for all that we know or see, it seems to be absolutely real and strong, dependable, irresistible. It's kind of like how as teenagers, and young adults, we often go after dreams and ideals and daring adventures, thinking that it will all somehow work out alright, but then as time, age and experience unveil the reality of things, those same dreams often prove to be treacherous, deceptive and harmful, dangerous, slippery slopes of chaos and self-destruction, delusion, being purely lost, being cast adrift so far gone that no one can see how you got there or how you can get to safety again.

It can look like self-destruction, but all the while it can be guided by the very purest, highest, most ideal values and intentions, or as much as we can find or muster up at the time, as gradually the decay between reality and our hopes and assumptions grows wider, creating a gully, then a chasm, and eventually it's such a canyon between us and what we hoped and believed in, then we can't feel pure or hang on to any high hopes or ideals anymore, at least not in a believable, confident way. Our motivation and courage flags. Then it will take a long, strenuous, patient or maybe pure lucky path, if we ever find our way back to our ideals or something similar enough, maybe new ideals.

There are so many obstacles that can get in the way of this pure, true, high, deep, wise love that is also blind, naive, carried away on emotion, biased, and full of cognitive distortions. The human mind is, after all, full of cognitive distortions, no matter how smart, wise or cautious we attempt to be, or are, in our general character and nature, as individuals. No individual seems to be spared from the blindness and twisting warping desolation that can result from our human cognitive distortions.

But certain experiences and states make us much more likely to experience these distortions and to be unable to recognize or slow down the trainwreck before they lead us on a wild chase away from reality and safety and a good, stable, steady path with at least one foot firmly in reality (maybe one foot can be in fantasy, if the foot that is in reality can anchor us to action and function well enough in the real world. If the fantasy doesn't overtake and we know it's a fantasy, or suspect enough to not throw all caution to the wind of fate, which can be so cruel and ruthless, senseless).

That is why I think it could be that two people might secretly admire, watch, adore each other, and yet be so scared to have much to do with each other. And it creates a beautiful fantasy to hinge my dreams on, even if I don't assume in any way that it is real for me. But even if it might not be real, it seems realistic to suppose and imagine it happening.

Two people who know enough about the fragility and chaos of life and our own minds and hearts and their biases. Thus they know that even with the best intentions, great ideals, amazing potential and common dreams, goals, passions, and joys that could exist between them, it still might go so far off track if they tried to connect and relate more deeply. Addictions, traumas, fears, insecurities might get aggravated by the vulnerability of love, and block further progress.

Or it can be even just the difficulty expressing clearly what needs saying, things that are so fragile, confusing, and weird, that no one seems to get it and finding clear language to get your message across seems so iffy. Even with someone who otherwise seems so smart, so wise, so perfect and understands you and your life and your world. All this and more can be easy to see, but can feel impossible to resolve, and any of these things might come in the way of things working out.

Overeager emotions and dependencies might develop that overshadow and swallow healthy ways of connecting and relating, and we might lose ourselves in one another, or in the illusion of one another, in what we want to see and believe, perhaps not even what actually exists between them in their relationship. The excitement of ideals, passions, and admiration or even imagined, distorted perceptions, all mix together to make a numbing and intoxicating experience, which can dull our minds and our hearts and souls, making us dream of ideals in vague and hazy daydreams, all the while that we are drifting farther and farther from the real expression of those ideals, with all their practical requirements, complications, hard work and obstacles.

So we can lose touch with our own ideals, feeling so drunk on the illusion of the ideals, and we can be blind that this is even going on. What started out as something based on high ideals and passions and dreams and deep, true, pure love can quickly devolve into something much more numb, small, weak and delusional, and we can wonder to ourselves, where did our love go? How did this person change, and how did we ourselves change and why does it all feel so pathetic now, even though so much of the good ideals and values and love still remains and there's nothing to pinpoint or blame, just a feeling that something is not right, the fire is gone, or died down to something so much weaker, and we feel smaller in ourselves as individuals as well, when we thought this love would make us stronger, brighter, more alive and aware, but the opposite effect has sneaked upon us and taken over all, somehow.

Or it could be even more dark and dismal than that, where the weak and broken, lost or confused sides of ourselves emerge under the pressures and complexities of trying to really deal with daily life practicalities and deeper problems over time. We might lose ourselves and lose the other we so love, seeing them change to someone who we don't recognize anymore as the one we thought we loved and needed, trusted, and knew so well.

Maybe this happens quickly, before we can even have a chance to develop the strong deep relationship we think is so inevitable and so solid and inescapable. But instead of a lasting bond, what happens is that betrayal, abandonment, cruelty, derision, incomprehension emerge and take over, or so it feels. But maybe it only seems so cruel because somewhere someone realizes that things aren't so strong and stable, and instead of explaining this clearly, they just drop the ball, or take out their pain or confusion or sadness on the other person, or ghost them, or in so many other ways, find a way to flee or damage the relationship that felt like it might become unsustainable and harmful if let to grow its natural course.

When someone can't support or validate another person because their own lives are too heavy, too busy, too superficial, too sanitized, or too fragile, it can feel downright dangerous to be honest about one's own inadequacy to care for another person. Indeed, at a level that is below conscious awareness, one can blame the other, due to the cognitive dissonance that such personal inadequacy. "I'm a good, strong, reliable, honorable, trustworthy person, who is true to their word, and doesn't abandon people without a necessary, good reason," so they think.

But the truth is, there might be a good reason, but it's not so much a fair reason. It does great harm that is tragic and unkind and that the other person doesn't deserve. It's a result of human ignorance and unawareness and weakness, foolishness and bad judgment, but a common level of bad judgment, an accident and an honest mistake nonetheless. We didn't know better, we tried our best, and our human biases led us so far astray.

For the one betrayed and abandoned and misled, though, it feels like too much, wrong, cruel and unfair, unacceptable and hard to forgive or tolerate. Especially if it happens repeatedly from person to person, as one after another tries and fails to love well enough, or wisely enough, as one after another person finds that the problems and illnesses and burdens are too much to carry. Some people are difficult to love, not because of any fault of their own, but simply because their lives and existence is so difficult and complicated that hardly anyone in the world really understands or can bear it with grace and strength and compassion.

This is where it all seems to lead me now, as I ponder why I have been treated so badly by so many people and why someone might love me from a distance but be scared to reach out and try to make it something more real and actual in the real world connection. I know that probably it is all in my imagination, because I don't think anyone actually feels this way about me, but half of it's real, because I'm imagining them too, how I imagine we could be great friends, deepest soulmates, pillars of each others' worlds. It wouldn't need to be lovers, though it could be, but in some cases of course, it wouldn't be, because of them being (presumably) happily married or being straight (I'm bi), or something else that makes it highly unlikely, taboo, though not entirely impossible, for them to be a lover to me.

And, yes, I am married too, but I consider this a very complex situation where I feel dependent, unable to find the help I need to escape and function. So if I could get the help I needed from some lover who I knew online only, and didn't meet in person, maybe such a person would have the energy and motivation and commitment to help me learn how to make it on my own, first, and then, possibly have a real-life relationship with them. Maybe they would understand my complex issues and unusual personality well enough to see what would help me, even when I couldn't see it or find what would help me, after searching everywhere.

Maybe that could work, but maybe not likely, I don't know how likely it is, really, but since I am in desperate waters, sooner or later I might have to start thinking far outside the box and take some leaps of faith or experiment to see what will, or will not work. And it would require enormous self-control and emotional objectivity to keep from giving in to the temptation to try to rush things or get more involved and obsessed and infatuated though. I would have to keep the focus on the friendship most of all, and on my learning to support myself, emotionally and materially, before leaning too much on the lover.

I don't harbor ridiculous delusions that those who I dream about also dreaming of me. While I allow myself dreams, I know they are just dreams. I keep them firmly clear and separate from what I know to be real or ever likely realistic. But these dreams do help me see what could be, if only, if ever somehow it happened, sometime and place, maybe another time and situation much better than now, in my life. My inner dreaming helps me to recognize both the good dreams that might come true, and to realize all the problems and harm that imagined and attempted love can wreck itself into. Not only love but even friendship, a friendship-wreck, haha.

So I feel some peace, and a sense that my mind and heart are more clear and high and complex in my perceptions because of all this distance and lack of social closeness. The failed attempts and compromises and numbing that result when two people try and fail to be very close and open and join their dreams, that is just a distant thing I can ponder. Since I'm not close enough to have it in reality, I might be objective enough to see it more clearly, as my heart is not mired in it and invested in seeing it with some idealized cognitive distortion to cover and soothe my cognitive dissonance.

[gravitywonagain]

Beating Like a Hammer; part i.

some wlw wangxian crack based on this post about hate-sex. there will be 9 parts, but idk when they'll be finished?

tags: genderswapped characters (obvs), enemies to lovers, slow burn, dapper butch!lwj, vaguely femme!wwx, more to come later (including but not limited to: queer fam movie nights, gratuitous mentions of woodworking minutiae, bad bdsm etiquette, and better bdsm etiquette)

[E (eventually), 2k, 1/9, WLW Wangxian][part 2]

i.

—

[because you hate her, of course you.  because she assumed you were straight when you first met and didn’t really pay you attention, plus she’s just got an ego doesn’t she?  big mean butch, thinks she’s all that just cause she’s so sexy and - and - ]

—

The first time they meet, well… 

It sets a tone. 

~

The music is loud and the air is heavy with heat and sweat. Lights splash shades of pink and yellow and blue around the dancefloor, painting clothes and skin and hair. Bodies press close. Swaying and grinding and spilling sweet-smelling drinks onto the floor, onto each other; sticky and slick. 

Wei Ying loves to go out dancing. She loves the freedom of movement, the way a good beat will take her over. She loves meeting a stranger on the dancefloor, someone with the right vibe, someone who will move with her, will sink down into the rhythm of hips and hands and not ask for anything more than the dance. Just the dance. 

Tonight, the club is packed. A midwinter weekend; people looking to fight the chill with motion, with alcohol, with sex. Anything to get lost in, to remember the warmth of summer. 

Xiao Xingchen wanted to pub crawl their way up Fourth so all seven of the girls in their group had been deep into tipsy and well on their way to drunk by the time they were handing over IDs and holding out their hands for little cactus stamps. The pink neon sign in the window says “GRAY” but flickers the second letter so everyone knows this place as R. Wei Ying grinned at Kris the Bouncer as she passed him and jumped up to flick the dangling corner of the pride flag hung just outside the entrance. 

Now she works her hips, spine fluid, heart pounding. She moves with the music, her soft-cotton sundress clinging to her skin, and she spins until she finds herself caught up in Gabi’s strong arms. 

Ugh, Gabi’s arms. Rugger arms. Arms that wrap around bodies much bigger than Wei Ying’s and drag them down to the grass and hold them there. 

(Wei Ying isn’t supposed to think about Gabi’s arms because Gabi is somehow the straightest rugby player anyone has ever met and we try not to objectify her. Drunk Wei Ying isn’t very good at not thinking about Gabi’s arms. Drunk Gabi doesn’t seem to mind it.) 

Wei Ying leans back into them. Grabs Xingchen-jiejie by the waist and slots their legs together, rolling her hips to match the song and coaxing the other two into rhythm. Sandwiched between them, Wei Ying laughs, wrapping one arm behind her around Gabi’s neck and setting the other over Xingchen’s shoulder. Hands roam her waist, her thighs; sweat dripping, beat heavy, and Wei Ying lets the freedom of it rush over her and wash her out into the desert. 

Time (if it even exists in the club) is measured in numbers of drinks and dance partners. The night moves syrup slow and heartbeat fast. Music electric and dirty. 

On another night, Wei Ying might have circled the dance floor twice by now. Dancing with anyone who would move with her, who would dip low and grind slow. But tonight is for Xingchen-jiejie, so tonight Wei Ying makes sure not to wander. She sticks with the girls she came in with, dances with them -- all of them. Or, all of them that want to, anyway. 

The cousins, Jennie and Quyi, seem to have found a corner they’re happy to stay in and they’ve at least stopped twitching like they think they’re going to get jumped every time a woman walks by. They’re keeping the coats safe, at least. 

When it’s Wei Ying’s turn to buy the next round, she finds them. The denim of her jacket isn’t thick, but her blood is hot and she slightly regrets not owning a purse and not buying a dress with pockets as she slips her arms into the sleeves. She frees her hair from the collar and winks at Quyi’s barely restrained glare. 

Getting them plastered will probably help. 

She takes her time to get everyone’s drink order, makes sure she has it right. It’s not a difficult list, but it’s long and she’s not exactly sober anymore and she doesn’t want to be That Guy, so she writes them all down in the notes app on her phone. The screen is cracked, but not horribly, and Xingchen-jiejie only rolls her eyes a little when she sees it. The cousins want wine, which Wei Ying is pretty sure the bar will have, but she gets a backup order just in case. 

Navigating her way through sweaty, writhing bodies proves to be mildly distracting, but she doesn’t let herself stall for too long. Xiao Xingchen needs her Sex on the Beach and it is, after all, Xiao Xingchen’s night. 

She finally makes her way off the dancefloor and… finds herself momentarily distracted again. 

Leaning up against the open far-end of the bar is-- 

Look, Wei Ying doesn't like to assume gender or sexuality, especially in a place like this, but six drinks in, her mind is a little less discerning than maybe it should be, and the person leaning against the bar presents as the textbook definition of a dapper, butch lesbian. White button-down shirt done up all the way to their throat; dark pants that could be jeans or slacks, that definitely hug the curve of muscular thighs and an amazing ass; two small silver hoops in their left earlobe, one in the right; and the cockiest “fuck around and find out” look Wei Ying has ever seen. 

They are, in a word, hot. Mind-meltingly hot. And Wei Ying has had far too much tequila to deal with… the everything about them. (Or possibly not enough. More testing may be required.) 

She drops the thought for the moment, pushes forward into the crowd, orders her drinks -- to the groans of several people -- and tips massively, then slides out of the way to wait. The benefit of ordering seven weirdly specific drinks is that it takes time. Time that Wei Ying will gladly spend flirting with this person who is coolly, indifferently, turning Wei Ying’s brain to mush. 

The person in question -- casually resting on an elbow as they face the dancefloor, sleeves rolled up to expose their amazing forearms, fingers gracefully spinning their water glass in slow circles -- gives Wei Ying a cursory once over as Wei Ying edges closer. 

Wei Ying almost holds her breath. But then their eyes slide away easily. Too easily. 

They look bored and Wei Ying feels scalded by their apathy. 

She’s not deterred, though. It takes much more than a wordless dismissal to discourage six-drink Wei Ying. It will take… well, actual words. Six-drink Wei Ying is sexy and adorable, and she’s stubborn enough to believe that, given the chance, she can win over just about anybody. So she smiles her cutest, brightest smile, leans over to show a bit of cleavage and says, 

“Hey--"

“I don’t fuck tourists.”

Wei Ying’s jaw physically drops open. 

Their voice is low and blunt. The disdain curled into the word “tourists” -- and the fact that this is Wei Ying’s favorite bar and she’s never seen this person here before (she would definitely have noticed) -- makes Wei Ying think that they’re not talking about Wei Ying’s travel status. No. They’re talking about someone out of place. Someone who doesn’t belong. 

It stokes something under Wei Ying’s skin. The dismissal. The implication. Her tongue lashes out with it. 

“Says the person drinking water in a bar.”

As soon as the words leave her lips, Wei Ying regrets them. She knows better than to mock someone’s drinking preferences. This person could be the DD, they could be a recovering alcoholic, they could just not like the feeling or the taste. Any and all of these reasons are good and valid. 

But Wei Ying’s mouth is not overly concerned with her brain’s input right now. Sparking, electric. She feels volatile. Six-drink Wei Ying doesn’t really have filters. 

And the words do have the desired effect. 

The person’s face darkens. Something like anger flashes in their eyes. They grip their glass like they could break it with one hand. Their cheekbones get impossibly sharper. 

Heat boils low in Wei Ying’s core and she smirks with it. 

But then their mask falls neatly back into place, snapping shut over any more reactions they might have. Cold as ice while Wei Ying burns. 

They gesture with the water glass toward the dance floor and say, “Go back to your bachelorette party.” Flat but irritated. Jaded, almost. 

The funny thing is, Wei Ying is here for a bachelorette party. Xiao Xingchen is finally getting married on Saturday to her long-time partner Song Lan. They’re both going to be wearing suits. It’s going to be beautiful. 

But that’s not what this person means. They mean tourist like interloper. They mean bachelorette party like you don’t belong here. They think Wei Ying is straight. A straight woman out on the town with a bunch of her straight friends, playing at exoticism in queer spaces. 

Annoyingly, Wei Ying would share their disdain, if that’s actually what was going on here. But it’s fucking not. 

The only straight people in their group are the two cousins who are there by obligation and are very clearly not enjoying themselves. Which this -- very hot and very mean -- person would be able to see if they just fucking looked. (And Gabi, but nobody would look at her and think she’s straight.) 

Xiao Xingchen may be woo-girling it up for the night but she still lights up Wei Ying’s gaydar from down the street. And Wei Ying so rarely takes the time to steal Nie Huaisang’s makeup and let them help her put it on. She found a pretty flower dress and ankle boots that don’t destroy her feet and that match. She feels cute, damnit. Femme. In a queer way. Not straight. 

Just because she decided to let her hair down both literally and metaphorically and so the shaved design at her nape is covered by her -- fucking gorgeous, thank you -- curls, and her denim jacket hides almost all of her tattoos… 

She lost the thread. But she’s pissed and her drinks are now taking too long -- no they’re not, it’s one dude behind the bar, give him a break and fucking chill. 

Six-drink Wei Ying’s inner voice of reason sounds an awful lot like Wen Qing and, really, six-drink Wei Ying is fine with that. If she could get Wen Qing to make more of her life decisions, things would probably explode in her face less. Like Carine. What was she thinking when--

“Your drinks.” 

Wei Ying shakes herself out of her head. She’s still here to have fun with Xingchen-jiejie and this (gorgeous and perfectly mean) person will not ruin her night. She tips the bartender (again, for the rudeness in her head) and picks up the tray, sure to show off her upper-body strength as much as she can as she leaves. She doesn’t lift lumber all day for nothing, after all. 

The girls all thank Wei Ying for their drinks as she delivers them and when she brings the tray back to the bar, the (unbelievably hot) person is gone. Empty glass sitting neglected on the bartop. 

The rest of the night is good. Wei Ying tries not to dwell on the harsh words, the deep voice. Seven-drink Wei Ying is fairly successful, grinding with Xingchen-jiejie and Estrella to Dua Lipa. Eight-drink Wei Ying is okay, too. 

It’s nine-drink Wei Ying who ends up curled in her roommate’s lap at the end of the night saying, “I don’t deserve to be mistaken for a heterosexual, Sangsang!”

“I know, Wei Ying.”

Nie Huaisang is patient as Wei Ying clings to their paint-splotched sweats, fussy and drunk, grumbling, “Do I not put out queer vibes?” and “I have twelve piercings, Sangsang. Twelve!” and “It’s homophobic to see a woman in a dress and assume she’s straight.”

When she wakes up on the couch in the morning, toes poking out from under their plush dumpster fire throw blanket and feeling like a thousand angry dead used her body for something she did not condone, there’s pain killers and a Nalgene waiting for her on the coffee table.

[robininthelabyrinth]

a lot of people in fandom have this idea that nie sect is some super progressive place and if only MY had dealt with the CQL captain guy better then he'd have had every opportunity to advance and be accepted but it didn't happen for him because he was too sneaky? hiding his 'real' personality? or something like that? what are your thoughts on this bc mine rn are teetering between 'yeah maybe' and being a bit annoyed at the way fandom has decided nie sect is actually perfect and can do no wrong

Okay, so the tone of this question is weirdly aggressive for whatever reason, but let me share my thoughts anyway.

First: the Nie sect is clearly not a place that is wholly lacking in the usual types of biases found in the cultivation world, including specifically against people with "questionable" backgrounds, i.e. Meng Yao's mother being a prostitute. We know this from there is bullying, name-calling, etc., both in the cave and, in CQL, from the captain. This is all bad.

However, this is modified by two things: the fact that there is ample evidence that this is the same everywhere else in the cultivation world (and is indeed worse, including for example in the Jin sect, per novel canon), and the fact that despite this, Meng Yao has managed to significantly advance his career at the Nie sect. Nie Mingjue stood up for him, took measures against those he saw as looking down at him, promoted him and treated him as his right hand man advisor - in CQL, we see him entrust him with his younger brother and listen to him over his own best instincts. He trusted him.

In a system where blood and birth is everything - Meng Yao isn't going to be made an heir to Nie sect because, well, he's not a Nie - Meng Yao has basically reached the highest pinnacle of what is possible to achieve with pure merit. Is there still a hostile work environment? Yes, because that's the culture they live in. But Meng Yao has Nie Mingjue - the big boss - backing him to the hilt. In CQL, we literally see that Nie Mingjue will start yelling at people he learns are putting Meng Yao down because of his birth.

That's the key point here - Nie Mingjue can't do shit about the stuff that doesn't get reported to him. From a modern corporation perspective, Nie Mingjue is basically doing all you can ask for: he's providing the correct tone from the top, he's ensuring that people who violate that are swiftly disciplined, he's modeled a better example through promoting and trusting Meng Yao, and he's provided a route for future complaints by establishing that he is willing to listen to Meng Yao's judgment.

Does that immediately make everything perfect for Meng Yao? Of course not! Nie Mingjue is fighting upstream against not only his own sect's culture, but the entire cultivation world's. But he's doing the best he can, and that, at least, is more than we see anyone else doing. (In CQL, Lan Xichen does something similar by personally modelling acceptance of Meng Yao, though notably, he doesn't take any action to punish those who were mocking him, which in CQL he had the right to do as sect leader. This makes being nice to Meng Yao a personal trait of Lan Xichen that others are encouraged to emulate, which is a good start, but doesn't go as far as Nie Mingjue since there's no reason to stop looking down at Meng Yao if you don't happen to feel like it.)

Conclusion: the Nie sect is a pretty good place to be at for someone like Meng Yao, as available places in the cultivation world go. While gaining acceptance would not happen immediately, there is no reason to think that it wouldn't happen eventually.

Now, onto your point about Meng Yao being "too sneaky" or showing his "real" personality being the issue - the issue, at heart, is not about whether Meng Yao was faking his sweetness. It's that Meng Yao chose not to tell Nie Mingjue about the captain's bullying, despite having previous evidence that Nie Mingjue would likely take his side against bullying, and instead chose to MURDER THE GUY. To be clear, in the modern corporate environment, even if you have a really hellish hostile work environment, even if you think your boss would side with the other guy over you and there's no point in making a report (which isn't the case here), even if all that is true, murder is not an appropriate response.

But it's not a modern corporate environment, it's the cultivation world, where murder happens a lot more casually - well, guess what, even if murder is okay (and it's not), do you know when it's pretty obviously NOT okay? In the middle of an attack on the sect by an enemy.

You don't really come back from that. Sorry. Doesn't really matter what your personality is, if you're willing to do that, you're out at best.

Where Meng Yao not showing his "real" personality comes in is actually later: he pretended to be righteous and just, just the way Nie Mingjue likes people to be (and that's totally okay because righteousness is an act not an intention; as long as he acted righteously, he was righteous, and who cares whether it came to him naturally). But maybe if he'd shown Nie Mingjue his true self, it wouldn't have been such a shock when he murdered a man in cold blood, and would have made it easier to forgive him later.

(I sincerely believe that part of Nie Mingjue's trauma at Meng Yao's action is the discovery that his trusted advisor, someone he thoguht of as a friend, wasn't at all the person he thought he was. I've compared it in the past to discovering that a good buddy of yours commits domestic violence - so often, you get people going "I never would have expected it from them, they were so nice to me" and are shocked and horrified because they feel they should have known, they should have seen signs, they should have figured it out.)

But the key thing here is - when your trust in someone is broken, it's broken. Nie Mingjue knows that Meng Yao isn't what he thought he was, and yet, for the rest of their relationship, Meng Yao persists in continuing to act as if he was that sort of good person...and gets pissed at Nie Mingjue for not believing it. Why should he believe it? Nie Mingjue wants to forgive him and to try to build a relationship with the person Meng Yao really is, and Meng Yao won't let him because he wants Nie Mingjue to go back to not having ever looked behind the curtain. Which is, of course, impossible.

If Meng Yao had been up front with who he was, maybe Nie Mingjue would have known to look for what Meng Yao wasn't telling him and been able to help prevent everything. Maybe he would have extended more sympathy to Meng Yao for the actual act of killing the guy. Maybe they could have made up again later.

Maybe not.

But what is inescapable is that Meng Yao's own decisions are what cost him his position in the Nie sect, and nothing else.

[secretlanguageicanspeak]

I HAVE A FOLKLORE THEORY

what if the actual fantasy element of folklore is specifically the events that occur in at the end of betty?? as in, james was with someone else that summer despite loving betty, but instead of going back to betty and showing up to her party, james chose the more mature option of not going back to betty because they both knew how it would end, they’ve seen this movie before... cardigan/betty/august are fictional because they exist in an imagined reality, different from the other songs on the album. 

disclaimer: (i believe james represents taylor and her role in this story, but it is up to speculation so i’ll just stick with speaking about james as the character in folklore,, james’s gender doesn’t really matter to me since it is a character, but i’ll use he/him pronouns for the sake of this post)

the 1 (betty’s pov):

“I guess you never know, never know”

...[what would have happened if you came back]

“And if you wanted me, you really should've showed”

see betty: “So I showed up at your party...” -- james didn’t end up showing, this did not happen

“And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow”

see cardigan: “You drew stars around my scars / But now I'm bleedin'” and “I knew you / Tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy” -- in the alternate reality, betty was the only one bleeding, so she grew because of it, and that’s why she is Wendy. james never bled, so james was Peter who never grew up. 

see peace: “Our coming-of-age has come and gone” -- this line suggests that they BOTH in fact grew up (OUR coming-of-age), so neither of them could be Peter. -- “Suddenly this summer, it's clear / I never had the courage of my convictions / As long as danger is near” -- the summer is the same season as the love triangle setting, another sign it’s the same people. these lines depict james essentially backing down from something he really wanted to do out of fear. this seems to be a reference the decision NOT to go to betty’s party last minute, even after planning for months. 

“And it's alright now”

this is simply acceptance of the situation, they have separated for good.

betty (lead up to the party):

...About why you switched your homeroom... Betty, one time I was riding on my skateboard...  You heard the rumors from Inez... The worst thing that I ever did / Was what I did to you 

pay attention here to the tense usage in verse 1 and the pre-chorus. clearly all the statements in these stanzas are in the past and happen during the summer james was with someone else or between then and now.

But if I just showed up at your party Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself Or lead me to the garden? In the garden, would you trust me If I told you it was just a summer thing? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything But I know I miss you

in looking at the lyrics of the chorus, it is clear here that we’re still in the ‘lead up’ phase. james is DAYDREAMING the possibilities of what could happen *IF* he just showed up at betty’s party. 

Betty, I know where it all went wrong Your favorite song was playing From the far side of the gym I was nowhere to be found I hate the crowds, you know that Plus, I saw you dance with him

in verse 2, james is recounting another event which he claims to have led to him doing “the worst thing that [james] ever did,” betraying betty. it is clearly serving as a background story that occurred a long time ago. the “dance” with “him” is very likely the same story as in the first lines of exile, “I can see you standing, honey / With his arms around your body”

I was walking home on broken cobblestones Just thinking of you when she pulled up like A figment of my worst intentions She said "James, get in, let's drive" Those days turned into nights Slept next to her, but I dreamt of you all summer long

the bridge is simply a continuation of the story begun in verse 2. james left the dance after seeing betty with “him.” on his way home, he runs into “her” who i’ll call august, and then their summer affair begins. again, this is long in the past now.

betty (verse 3): 

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep

this line appears to be referencing the same moment as this is me trying: “And maybe I don't quite know what to say / But I'm here in your doorway” however, in this is me trying, which is the main/real plot line, james just says, “I just wanted you to know that this is me trying.” with other clues from that song, this statement means james is trying his best to move on and mature in life, catch up with his classmates after the huge setback of losing betty.

i believe james is trying, although struggling, to accept the end of this relationship forever because of his actions. the line “I didn't know if you'd care if I came back / I have a lot of regrets about that” suggests the ‘regrets’ are because james chose to not come back because he assumed, possibly wrongfully, that she didn’t want him to. (i discuss the bridge of this is me trying after finishing verse 3 interpretation)

And I planned it out for weeks now But it's finally sinkin' in Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when You see my face again

these lines, in my opinion, best showcased the idea in peace’s first verse as discussed earlier: “Suddenly this summer, it's clear / I never had the courage of my convictions / As long as danger is near.” the fact this feeling of anticipation and nervousness ahead of the reunion with betty required an entire verse to communicate shows exactly how intense the feelings are. 

The feelings may be internal or external pressures (societal standards and injustices, being in the public eye, and more) which create anxiety in a person. in the rest of the first verse of peace, she reveals the danger is “just around the corner, darlin' / 'Cause it lives in me,” supporting the idea that these fears and anxieties are a part of taylor’s/james’s psyche regardless of the cause of them. the second verse of this is me trying begins with “They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential,” which is also consistent with the idea that anxieties are the root of big mistakes.

this is me trying (bridge):

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound

aversion to parties/crowds is similar to verse 2 in betty, another indication it is the same people/events. feeling like an open wound is a callback to the 1, “And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow” and betty saying she’s “bleeding” in cardigan, “You drew stars around my scars / But now I'm bleedin'.”

this connection is very important because it proved, as i noted from peace, that BOTH betty and james ended up bleeding, contrary to the accounts in cardigan. BOTH of them were forced by circumstances to accept their permanent separation. therefore, the events in betty didn’t go as they seemed. 

It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

james is missing betty intensely, just like in betty. the movie comparison brings in several songs to the same general story (in tracklist order): 

the 1: “I hit the Sunday matinée / You know the greatest films of all time were never made” -- during a daytime film viewing, betty remarks that no films she could watch would ever be the GREATEST. as a parallel to a later lyric, “We never painted by the numbers, baby / But we were making it count / You know the greatest loves of all time are over now,” we know betty thinks of this love story as the greatest of all time, even though it’s over.

cardigan: “I knew you / Tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy” i already discussed these lines above, but again the idea that james was unsuccessful in the attempt get back together with betty. james had to become Wendy too, and grow up and move on.

exile: “I think I've seen this film before / And I didn't like the ending” the constant comparison of this relationship to tragic films feeds the idea that the relationship was doomed from the start. in cardigan, james tries to change the ending in the hope that love will prevail over all. but in the more grounded reality of folklore such as exile, the pair are hyperaware of how that ending will inevitably happen too them too. “I think I've seen this film before / So I'm leaving out the side door,” so it was time to end it.

hoax: “You knew the hero died so what's the movie for?” here, it is almost a regret about beginning the relationship at all. it was obvious what the ending would be, they’ve seen this film before...but that doesn’t stop them from pursuing it anyways and trying to change the ending for themselves. with a different ending, it would be the greatest film of all time. this is why “Don't want no other shade of blue but you / No other sadness in the world would do” -- this love, although it is a tragedy, is the greatest. and nothing else is good enough.

betty (final): 

The only thing I wanna do Is make it up to you So I showed up at your party Yeah, I showed up at your party

the final pre-chorus reads like the beginning of a Disney movie or a folk tale even, almost as a “Once upon a time, there was a boy named James with one goal and it was to make up for his mistakes....” there should be an ellipsis (“...”) after the second line, creating a divide as the music begins to change and the story moves from reality to fantasy. the key change in the music confirms the transition to an imagined world where fears and anxieties and pressures didn’t get in the way of the greatest love of all time.

Yeah, I showed up at your party Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch In front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything But I know I miss you

typically, if a story is leading up to a character finally making a move, there is a payoff for the audience, revealing what ended up happening. in this case, it is still questions. it is still james brainstorming possibilities, still using the word “if.” the chorus concludes with the same “i know i miss you,” which doesn’t suggest any real progress from the beginning because there has to be distance still if james is still missing betty. however, the “would”s changed to “will”s, leading the listener to think james actually did manage to show up, maybe the fantasy is even fooling james himself.

Standing in your cardigan Kissin' in my car again

these lines in the outro of betty have a double meaning: james is either in a haze from happiness because of the reunion with betty or is dreaming about these things happening.

in cardigan, she sings: “To kiss in cars and downtown bars / Was all we needed” THESE LINES ALSO HAVE A DOUBLE MEANING: “all we needed” can both signal relief from the tension, as in, kissing again solved all their problems from before, OR it means “that was all we needed to fix us,” as in, we couldn’t or didn’t kiss in these places, so we’re exactly where we started: a romantic tragedy. this means the downtown bar is likely the party or a symbolic equivalent.

The first meaning of both of those lines was the one that occurred within the fictional/fantasy world. The second meaning, is the reality of what happened because JAMES ENDED UP NOT SHOWING UP TO THE PARTY.

Stopped at a streetlight You know I miss you

the “streetlight” seems to be significant imagery here. in cardigan, “But I knew you / Dancin' in your Levi's / Drunk* under a streetlight” -- this might be a spot of a fond memory that is triggered for james while he is driving by it, reminiscing on that time. 

also not on folklore, but in cornelia street, “We were in the backseat / Drunk* on something stronger than the drinks in the bar / The streetlights pointed in an arrowhead / Leading us home.” this cornelia street line seems to be describing a very similar story as cardigan. if so, this supports the idea that james was driving by this streetlight, the location of a very happy memory, and it makes him remember how much he misses her.

the repetition of “i miss you” here makes it clear james never was successful in getting back this love with betty. and betty knows he misses her: “I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired”

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standin' in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back

the fade out in this last chorus also seems to have implies ellipses after each “you’d come back” line because just like the final pre-chorus of betty, there is a hopeful fantasy here. almost like “you’d come back ... you’d come back to me... right?” but as we know from this is me trying, the only communication was that james is trying his best to move on and to be more mature. betty knows it is for the best. 

IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, YOU’RE A TROOPER OMG THIS WAS MUCH LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED I’M SO SORRY. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED. IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS, PLEASE SHARE THEM ILYYY. @taylorswift @taylornation

[agrestebug]

It starts with coffee

Hey everyone! The Miraculous Fanworks Discord is celebrating their anniversary! HUZZAH! So here is a little one shot as a treat - thank you so much to LadyBuginette from the server who submitted the prompt!

Trying to act casual, Marinette peered slyly over her large sunglasses. Her gaze focused on the café across from where she and Adrien were having lunch. Adrien shook his head at his girlfriend of eight years, but couldn't hold back the smile at her antics, "They'll be fine."

"I know they'll be fine." Marinette told the love of her life quickly, "I just want to make sure. Kagami is one of my best friends,"

"And Felix is my cousin." He reached across the small table and laced his fingers through hers, "Princess," he called her softly, immediately getting her attention. "They'll be fine."

He held her beautiful blue eyes with a soft smile on his face. Her fingers squeezed his and she let out a heavy sigh, "I know, I know you are right, but I was the one who set them up. If it backfires,"

"It won't. You have always been a people person, ever since college. You and your miraculous instinct to know when two people are a good fit has never been wrong." He reminded her triumphantly, lifting her hand and placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles.

She smiled at the move, her cheeks dusting with a soft pink, "Tomcat."

"How dare you." He teased, "I am a purrfect gentleman."

"No, don't start with the puns Kitten, please." She practically begged.

"Promise to enjoy your own date instead of worrying about theirs." He told her instantly, "Only then will I purromise."

She groaned but relented, taking off the sunglasses and taking one last look over at the café, seeing how awkward her two friends looked. This wasn't a mistake… right?

"All right, okay. I promise."

…

Felix had his eyes glued to the address on his phone. Why in the hell did his cousin want to meet him for lunch like this all of a sudden? This was his ONE day off from Gabriel, and he was sure there were much better things he could be doing than grabbing a quick coffee with his obnoxiously positive cousin.

God he hoped Adrien hadn't ordered for him. If he had to force down one more of those, cups of sugar Adrien liked to think passed for coffee, he was going to walk out without so much as a word.

He entered the small café, glad at least that it seemed pretty empty. Adrien's fame tended to haunt them at the worst of times, and it was even worse when they were both out. One of the unlucky side-effects to being practically twins.

He waited for a minute or two, getting ready to call and check on Adrien's whereabouts when his phone rang. He saw her face and frowned, answering it quickly, "Marinette, where is he?"

"I kidnapped him!" She said brightly, "Sorry to steal your lunch date, BUUUUUUUT, I sent a replacement. Make sure you treat her well or I will tell everyone about your love for little black cats."

He groaned as he realized what she had done, "You planned this didn't you? Damn it Marinette I told you I didn't…" he paused, seeing a very beautiful girl with short dark hair walking into the café. She looked around, a slight scowl maring her distinct features. He knew instantly that she was Japanese, but never had he seen eyes quite like hers. They were hazel, yes, but he felt like that description was dull and more of an insult no matter how he thought about it.

"I… have to go." He managed to force out, clicking off when he heard Marinette giggling.

The dark haired beauty made eye contact with him, her expression turning knowing as she slowly made her way towards him. He placed his phone inside his jacket pocket when she stopped in front of him, "Marinette was correct. You could pass for Adrien quite easily."

Her tone was flat, not a judgment in any way whatsoever. Surprised by her bluntness, he said it in the same flat tone, "Our mother's were twins, so the odds of their children bearing similar likeness is purely based on genetics."

"Statistically however, the odds of twins birthing separately and still having a child bearing remarkable resemblance to one another is less than one percent, assuming your father's were not related in any way." She stated, her somewhat cold gaze piercing straight through him.

"I guess." He muttered, fighting the urge to shift uncomfortably under the strength of her gaze. It was a rare person who could hold his own cold gaze for so long. Let alone make him consciously feel uncomfortable.

She was interesting, to say the least.

"Marinette said I would like you." She told him.

"That right." He asked skeptically, even though it didn't come out like a question.

"Yes. However I believe she's biased." The girl told him, giving him an awkward smile that was all teeth.

He cleared his throat at the underlying implication, "Well she didn't say much about you. I was tricked."

The weird smile fell off her face easily, replaced by a carefully masked neutral expression. "I don't need your charity."

She turned to walk away, and his hand moved of its own accord. He gripped her arm, just hard enough to force her stop before instantly letting her go when her expression hardened.

"It's not charity." He clarified, "My apologies if that is how it came across. It was not my intent."

She studied him carefully, staying silent for a moment before telling him, "Pressed dark roast, no sugar, no cream. I'll find a table." She turned away from him again, and he stared at her in a new sense of shock. She drank her coffee the same way he did. He turned and went to the counter, placing the order and adding a few vanilla and almond biscotti's.

Just because he liked his coffee dark, didn't mean he didn't enjoy having something sweet with it.

He paid and the waitress told him they would bring the order out to the table. He found the dark haired girl sitting at a table outside, glaring angrily at her phone and texting quickly. He heard her small huff as he sat down across from her. She immediately put her phone away, a scowl still on her face as she looked at him.

"I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Kagami Tsurugi."

He nodded once, "Felix Graham de Vanily."

They went silent, only holding eyes for a few seconds before looking away. He was going to murder Marinette for this. How could she have possibly thought that putting him through this sort of awkward endeavour would make him happy? He huffed out loud, already planning multiple ways to get back at Marinette for this stunt. And Adrien too. His cousin was wrapped around the designer's finger, so he had no doubt that he'd had some part of this.

"If something is bothering you, you shouldn't let anyone see or hear it."

He glanced over at her, freezing his face before he could let the emotion pass, "Of course. A momentary lapse that won't be repeated, I assure you."

She nodded tersely, the air between them turning awkward again when the waiter saved them for a few moments by bringing their coffee. He took a sip, enjoying the deep, rich flavor of the coffee when a warm breeze brushed past them. "It's nice out today." He commented, watching over the rim of his cup as she took a sip.

A ghost of a smile graced her features, "It is."

He was lost in the image of that small smile that she let out. He was a Graham de Vanily. He'd be damned if he couldn't find a way to make her smile for real. He tried to make small talk, to see what he could trigger to get her really talking. If he could find out what she liked, he knew he'd be able to see a real smile on her face.

He was surprised through his questioning to find that they had more than their taste in dark coffee in common. Kagami practiced both aikido and mixed martial arts, something that he himself had taken since he was four. They had both spent a majority of their life outside of France, but had still ended up being drawn back here. It even seemed that they had similar upbringings, with parents of influence that forced them to play a part.

Felix mulled over her words about how strict of a schedule she followed while finishing off another cup of coffee. This girl was… amazingly unique, to say the least. She was strong, both in will and in heart, but carried an air of calm that could intimidate anyone with a single glance. She also had a bit of a sarcastic nature, one that he fully appreciated.

He watched her finish off her first cup of coffee, thinking that this really was nice. He wished his other dates had gone the way this one was.

"I am surprised." He started slowly.

She caught his eyes, "That right," she stated, the same way he had earlier. His lips twitched, wanting to turn into a smirk. So, she wasn't just beautiful. An idle thought crossed his head, most dragons were beautiful, but it didn't make them any less deadly.

"Yes." He said calmly, "That you agreed to stay. This isn't the first time Marinette has pulled something like this on me, or Adrien for that matter."

"Your surprise then surprises me." She said, placing her cup down gently, "I knew what I was walking into, granted, it was more to quiet Marinette's…" Kagami went silent, her brows knitting together.

"Obnoxious positivity." He supplied simply, pointing towards the biscotti, "Ladies first."

She grabbed one, smirking, "You've been on the receiving end of it too then?"

He said it tiredly, "If you only knew."

A soft smile finally formed on her face, and her voice lost some of its harshness, "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. I bet I have you beat."

He let his manners slip just the smallest bit, "Not a chance in hell."

She giggled, and the sound echoed in his heart. He smiled, diving into the story and knowing he would win this. The second he was done, she started her own story, one he could hardly believe. But he could do one better. He told her one of the worst stories he had, where Adrien and Marinette had tag-teamed him. He had ended up on a double date with the sickeningly sweet lovebirds, trying the entire night not to gag. His 'date' was more consumed with her phone than anything he'd had to say. And she had the gall to ask him to go out again.

Kagami laughed as their third cup of coffee was brought out to them, "That sounds painful, extremely so."

He shrugged, but was smiling himself, "It can't be as bad as Adrien and Marinette dancing around each other in college. He was so blind to her feelings, I offered to buy him glasses more than once."

Kagami's smile widened, "I remember that. Poor Marinette. I tried to give her the confidence to go after him the way she wished, to no avail."

They said it at the same time, "Thank god for that masquerade."

They smiled at each other, "Marinette in that Ladybug dress." "And Adrien in that cat suit. They were a sight to see."

"Adrien told me that night, he hadn't been that happy since his mother passed. As obnoxious as they can be, I'm glad he has her." Felix admitted, thinking back to how different he and Adrien had reacted when they lost a parent. When his father died, he'd secluded himself, and purposely pushed people away. His uncle had trapped Adrien in his gilded cage, but Adrien never lost his light. He fought so hard to keep that light bright, and in the end it had acted like a beacon that brought Marinette to him.

Kagami's solemn voice broke though his thoughts, "Sometimes, I wish I had reacted the way Adrien did."

He nearly choked on his coffee at her words. He hadn't said all of that out loud had he?

She heard him sputter and continued quietly, "When my father passed, I secluded myself. I purposely pushed people away to avoid ever feeling that way again. If that was what love brought, pain, from a fate no one can escape,"

"Then it was better to be without it." He finished, understanding her perfectly.

She nodded, asking him gently, "You as well?"

"When my father passed." He admitted, "My mother pushed me to date for a while, wishing for an heir to the estate after me," he scoffed as he thought back to his mother's not so subtle hints, and saw Kagami shaking her head tiredly.

"My mother has spoken the same to me on numerous occasions. That's why I left and moved in with Marinette." She said heavily, "Children have never been one of my desires."

"Nor mine." He agreed, "What sort of father would I be? I can barely deal with Adrien and Marinette half the time."

"Deal with them?" She said scoffing, "I walk away when they become too much."

They shared a laugh, and he noticed the sun beginning to lower. She glanced around too, seeing his look, and said it sounding almost disappointed, "It is getting rather late in the afternoon. Maybe we should wrap this up."

She stood and he stood with her, not ready to let her go just yet. "Perhaps you'll allow me the chance to make up for my earlier rudeness."

He held his arm out for hers, and to his inner joy that seemed to have bloomed in her presence, she put her arm in his. He smiled at her, really smiled, and she smiled back as they left the café. On the way to her and Marinette's apartment, they exchanged a few more stories and were laughing again by the time they made it to the apartment door.

"Oh wait until I bring it up, he is going to go scarlet." Felix told her happily at the embarrassing story of Adrien she had just shared with him. Making fun of Adrien and Marinette was another thing they had in common.

"Make sure you take a picture and send it to me." She told him, taking her arm out of his. "Thank you, for walking me home." She said sincerely.

"It was my pleasure." He whispered, his voice barely able to get the simple sentence out. He pushed a small piece of her loose hair behind her ear, lowering his hand slowly.

A small blush appeared on her cheeks, and he asked her softly, "Would you, consider doing this again, with me? A real date."

She smiled, the hazel of her eyes turning to amber gold, "I'd like that."

He smiled brighter, "Whenever you are free next. I'll alter my schedule to meet yours."

"That won't be necessary,"

"It would be my honor." He said, taking a small step back away from her so that he could leave, "Have a good night Kagami."

He turned away from her, the urge to stay much harder to push down than he would have ever thought.

A firm hand grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop. There was a fierce expression on her face, "Idiot."

She pulled him back to her and kissed him soundly. His eyes briefly widened in shock until he returned the pressure. A soft hum escaped her as she pulled back with a triumphant smirk, "Good night Felix."

She opened the door to the apartment and walked inside, closing the door softly behind her.

He smiled to himself, staring at the door like an idiot for a minute before turning to leave, already in anticipation of seeing her again.

The elevator opened, and he laughed as he entered, hearing dual squealing coming in the direction of the girls' apartment.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to know what you guys think! This is cross-posted on A03 and FFN under the same username AgresteBug - so please don’t repost without my permission!

[jorjathomas]

Comparing existing magazines

As I've began to do some mild research, I thought it was beneficial to gather some information regarding my intended audience. I should see if there's a gap in the market for this particular self help magazine or if it would be high in demand or not. In this post, I have compared old magazines that were published for young women to see what has changed and what particular topics have became more popular over the years. Obviously magazines aren't as popular anymore for teens as most people would pick up a phone and scroll to kill time rather than buy a magazine from your local store however, I'm interested to see the comparison between the two. 

Old vs New

At first, I was going to compare two magazines and analyse the differences however as I started to do some research, I thought it would be interesting to see how certain magazines which have been running for a long period have changed over time as digital journalism has grown. I will contrast these brands with zine businesses which suits my idea.

Tiger Beat:

Google states ’Tiger Beat was founded in September 1965 by Charles "Chuck" Laufer, his brother Ira Laufer, and television producer and host Lloyd Thaxton. The magazine features teen idol gossip and carries articles on movies , music and fashion.’ This magazine is aimed towards adolesant girls just like my idea which is interesting to see the differences. Its funny to see how young women were perceived from looking as this magazines as they seem very celebrity based. As Tiger Beat is created by men, I'm assuming this is what they think teenage girls think about. I would say in the 60s this was true as boy bands where the hot spot for screaming girls however personally having a magazine just to get in the celebrity gossip is draining. The 60s was a very pivotal time for music and musicians didn't have a massive social platform like most artists do now so having a magazine like this is where fans would get updates about their lives. I think my opinions about Tiger Beat are solely based on how this generation has changed, I've defiantly bought zines just like this if it has my idol on the front however when looking at certain quotations and how its predominantly males being displayed despite being for girls is strange to me. For example the third image on the right where it advertised a ‘Peek inside Justin Biebers room’.  Not only does this feed on the artists personal life but it heightens this concept of teenagers becoming a obsessive fan. when looking at this magazine I begin to question whether this sort of content is normal for teenagers or am I just conditioned to believe it is what I should be thinking about as a teenage girl? Its even more ironic that this is made by men aswell but I don't know if that's the activist in me. To conclude, there was defiantly a gap in the market for supporting young adults when entering the real world as you can see. 

Teen zone:

Again, continuing with my previous opinions Teen Zone had the same intentions for their audience. Looking back at their earlier issues, it mas predominantly celebrity based. This involves gossip, looks and updates in their ‘perfect’ lives. This defiantly increased the idea of needing to be famous and look good all the time in order to be successful or good in life. These magazines are full of photoshopped faces with content telling people that they could look a certain way to feel accepted. Although looking briefly at the magazines are harmless I think they can be deep rooting in the problems girls feel in society when growing up. The only difference with this magazine in comparison to Tiger Beat is that they are still running as a business and have changed their content significantly. Teen zone only publish online now and when researching into their content i was surprised when seeing their statement. It states ‘TeenZone Digital Magazine is a magazine for the South African teenager. Teens in today’s society are increasingly being fed a diet entirely consisting of celebrity gossip. This grossly underestimates them. Teens today have voices that we all need to hear. They need to be taken seriously, and to be given the opportunity to express their views and concerns; to ask the important questions and receive trustworthy, accurate advice; and to enjoy themselves in a safe environment. TeenZone seeks to provide this platform. It is a magazine for teens, by teens.’ 

Teens in society now are much more vocal on certain events and I think we are defiantly becoming more aware on subjects which we may have not noticed before. The fact that Teen Zone has turned this around and creating a platform for teens to speak on matters special to them in inspiring and what I want to do also. They've defiantly succeeded well since moving digital as articles are much more accessible than a printed zine.

This is a picture of their website which differs from their zine. They have toned down their imagery and noticed as they are able to add more content onto a site.

As i began to look further into popular magazines from particular decades, eg; teen vogue, J-14 etc, I began to see the same results and outcomes. They were all very similar in content but I was surprised to finally see a magazine which although was produced a little later than the others, was drastically different to the others. Both aesthetically and within their content. This was a magazine called Rookie.

Rookie:

What makes Rookie magazine so different to the others is that this business was created by teenagers for teenagers. They are much more closer to their audience and were able to relate to the content they were giving out. Rather than adults profiting of their perception of what a teenager goes through despite not being one. I personally can see the differences between the two. Firstly Rookie stood out to me because of its collage-like personality. Its much more playful and personal than the previous zines I've looked at. The layered imagery with colourful texture achieves this friendly environment for teenagers to read though. I defiantly want to achieve this with my zine and I am going to look into this sort of work digitally and also physically to achieve a dimensional look rather than all of my work looking flat or 2D. 

This is a screenshot of Rookies site. Not only do they produce articles that teens can read for pleasure or to gain information, they also have platforms that can actually gives teens a place to talk and interact with others which I think is the drastic change for the industry. Interacting with the audience on a personal level proves that Rookie cares for their audience and wants to spark change. Unfortunately Rookie has stop publishing altogether as a business since 2018 for financial reasons.

Other magazines that I am interested in: As I've looked into previous magazines and began to understand their concept and beliefs,  I began to look into modern magazines that also produce the same concept as me and to see what makes them so different especially since there has been a massive sift in the journalism industry. Both of the publications below are fairly similar. Both want to create change and form a safe space where women learn new subjects which may not be normalise yet are very important for personal growth. They both combine their articles with art which helps create a visual understanding of their zine even better than standard text. I defiantly aim to follow these footsteps but I need to search for an unique concept that could help my idea become more popular for a young girl to read. I wanted to this as sadly both of these zines are either discontinued or temporality stopped making issues which makes me assume this idea isn't that successful so far whether that's due to the pandemic or society as a whole I'm unsure as of yet. I will begin to look at the impact of Covid on magazines later to understand why so many of these great businesses aren't running anymore despite having a positive impact on young women.

Got a girl crush:  “Got a Girl Crush is a blog and annual print magazine about women, by women, for everyone. We aim to disrupt the broken narrative of most women's publications and tell stories of all ages, races, and backgrounds of women all over the world. We believe that print is not dead and that there is value to having a tangible medium to read, digest, and share--rather than sharing a link online that is easily forgotten tomorrow.”

(Issue 3, published September 2016 from https://issuu.com/gotagirlcrush/docs/girlcrush_issue05_content-final )

I liked this magazine statement because it isn't restrictive on a specific audience. They mention that their content is open for anyone which I think is surprising. When thinking about making this zine I wanted to think of content that isn't too limiting or biased towards women as I think the real change in society will have to come from men's views and actions aswell as women's. When looking at their monthly articles, it was very text heavy. They had many important figures like planetary scientist Carolyn Porco, human rights activist Grace Lee Bogg menstrual activist & drummer Kiran Gandhi etc. Each had powerful stories to tell and impact onto readers. Despite this the illustrations and other visual forms of art broke down this barrier which is why it didn't look too overwhelming. I will follow through with this if not add more art into my final outcome as I’d like to be more creative for this project and really experiment with collaging. I had briefly did this in the first project and enjoyed the process.

Selva Beat: “Selva Beat is an environmental magazine with an edge. We take environmentalism and place it in the context of your favorite topics – beauty, fashion, culture, food, sex, love – to make activism as accessible and engaging as possible. Founded in 2014, we began as a way of educating the public about conflict palm-oil and have expanded into a multi-media platform that motivates others to better the planet through creative means.”

A magazines visual décor is very important as sadly you do judge the book by the front cover. Initially, this is what I liked about Selva Beat, it was very colourful and they had nice curvy, bubbled typography which isn't that common on magazines. When researching I didn't realise they were very environmentally orientated aswell as being a conscious feminist magazine. I was saddened that they aren't running anymore as I think this magazine would've been a good pivotal point. 

[ntrending]

Our brains can't quit our gadgets—that didn't happen by accident

New Post has been published on https://nexcraft.co/our-brains-cant-quit-our-gadgets-that-didnt-happen-by-accident/

Our brains can't quit our gadgets—that didn't happen by accident

Google and Apple are two of the biggest technology companies in the world. They’ve made their fortunes—and gained global dominance in the process—by encouraging us to spend as much time as possible on our smartphones, laptops, and other devices. But in the spring of 2018, both companies announced plans to help users spend less time glued to their screens.

In May, Google announced it would be making over its entire suite of products, with many changes made in the name of moderation. “Great technology should improve life, not distract from it,” Google said in its announcement of a new Digital Wellbeing initiative. The upcoming Android P software update will introduce dashboards that give users daily insight into the amount of time they spend on their phone, including data broken down by specific apps. It will also allow users to set limits on how much time they get in a given app before the screen goes greyscale. YouTube, which is owned by Google, will soon have “custom breathers” that users can schedule at various intervals to remind them just how long they’ve been watching.

Meanwhile, Apple announced the iOS 12 will have a “Screen Time” feature, which provides similar tools. As with Android’s dashboard, iOS users will get more hard data on their usage and habits, as well as the ability to limit app usage, and customize notifications so that they are “deliver[ed] quietly” to the notification center instead of the lock screen.

Both of these initiatives sound great and they very well could help consumers take back their time. But experts in the field of addictive design are quick to note that the very companies offering Screen Time controls and Digital Wellbeing advice are the same companies that have spent decades commercializing our attention and advancing the real and vibrant field of addictive design.

Dramatic pauses

To see the success of addictive design, look no further than your home screen. Each month, more than 330 million people, including the president of the United States, login into Twitter, a social media app built around 280 character “tweets.” If Twitter’s only priority was ease of use, a user’s feed would load automatically. But instead there’s a short delay: The iconic bird logo flutters on a blued-out screen as you wait for the timeline to load. Even when you’ve entered the app, Twitter serves you an older version of your feed—roughly dated to the last time you opened the app—and users have to manually push a “See new Tweets” button or scroll to rise to see the most recent tweets in the semi-chronological feed.

Most people don’t consciously register this short delay. Others who do might blame it on connectivity issues. But user experience (or UX) designers say the delay is actually perfectly designed. For many users, the delay subconsciously creates a sense of anticipation. It’s not dissimilar to a slot machine, which is intentionally designed to run through a series of possible combinations (cherry, 7, bells) before finally delivering the gambler’s results.

This sense of anticipation has well-studied effects on the brain—at least in the context of casinos. Since the 1980s, scientists have known that the neurotransmitter dopamine is a sort of chemical reward for taking action, encouraging us to anticipate rewards. Gambling is known to trigger a release of dopamine as people put money on the table, unsure they’ll be getting it back. Nicotine and heroin are two common artificial sources of dopamine, which is thought to be a major reason why these substances are addictive for many users. Humans also get a surge of the good stuff from less contentious activities, like sex and exercise (there’s a reason they call it “runner’s high”).

Recently, experts have begun to argue that substance-free activities like gaming and social media can also create cycles of reward and dependence. Increasingly it seems everything from the colors of Candy Crush to the confidence boost of a new “like” on Facebook is subtly reshaping our brains.

Infinite content

Numerous other UX tricks serve the same purpose. Instead of automatically loading the newest content, many apps require users pull down to refresh their feeds. Loren Brichter, the former Twitter engineer who created the pull-to-refresh, which operates much like a slot machine lever, says he has come to see the dark side of his invention. “Smartphones are useful tools,” he told The Guardian in October 2017. “But they’re addictive. Pull-to-refresh is addictive. Twitter is addictive. These are not good things.”

Similarly, the creator of the infinite scroll has soured on his own invention, despite creating it with the best intentions. “Infinite scroll… is the ability to keep scrolling and never having your brain to have the chance to catch up with your impulses,” Aza Raskin tells PopSci. “What I thought was good user experience—you know, in the sense that, every time you ask a user to make a decision they don’t care about, you fail as a designer—in reality, it wasted quite literally hundreds of millions of human hours.”

Psychologists, neuroscientists, and others are still working to establish the biological mechanisms behind addictive UX, with research focusing on dopamine and other chemical processes. But the effects of addictive design are already clear.

Adam Atler is a professor of marketing at New York University and the author of Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked. “As to whether [addictive design] can be effective, the data are incontrovertible,” Atler told PopSci in an email. “We spend a huge amount of our time in front of screens, dominated by the time we spend on social media platforms and other social apps.” And even when we’re not actively looking at our devices, vibrations, dings, and lit up screens try to pull us back into this digital world.

The numbers vary widely, but it appears that on average we touch, swipe, or tap our phones more than 2,000 times a day, according to a study from consumer research company dscout. Some 81 percent of Americans admit to looking at their phones during dinner, according to a 2015 survey by Deloitte. We spent approximately 5 hours of every day on our mobile devices in 2016, according to a report from the analytics firm Flurry. And most of us don’t have to think too hard to recall a situation where we’d spent more time on our phone than we’d initially intended.

Variable rewards

One “dark pattern”, as UX designers call these subtle methods of manipulation, is based on a psychological concept called variable rewards. In the mid-20th century, B.F. Skinner, the legendary behavioral psychologist, found that pigeons would press a lever more often if food appeared irregularly, instead of on every push.

In the context of Facebook, variable rewards can mean the difference between your post being a well-liked hit, or an invisible miss. In the context of Twitter, it might mean the difference between a cornucopia of good tweets you’re excited to read and a session where nothing makes you laugh, cry, or retweet. Either way, the unpredictability itself is thrilling, earning it comparisons to slot machines, where players mostly lose but occasionally win.

It’s also unavoidable: Even if you went to LinkedIn, Facebook, or Twitter just to post your own content, you have to go through the newsfeed, as none of these sites load your profile page directly. This ensures you interact, however marginally, with the content people in your network have created.

Can’t not complete

Another way to play with users is to capitalize on completionist tendencies. While some people are content to leave 20 calls unanswered or 2,000 emails left unopened, data shows that lingering reminders of unfinished business are a good way to keep people interacting with an app or game. Unless you have modified your notification settings, Instagram will send you push notifications if someone in your network has recently joined Instagram, for example. This is rarely useful information, but the push notification is nonetheless sure to draw a user’s attention as it flashes across their smartphone screen. Even if they ignore the push notification, nagging reminders in the form of numbers in small red circles rack up until Instagram is finally opened and the notifications resolved. And, of course, people don’t typically just resolve the notifications and leave. They peek at their feed and like a photo or two.

Farmville, the Facebook-based game that was notoriously boring, capitalized on the same impulses, albeit with a side dish of social pressure. The game entails “neighbors” sending each other gifts or pitching in plowing the field. These actions send notifications to users and keep Farmville players in a “loop of reciprocity,” according to an essay by the game designer A.J. Patrick Liszkiewicz. Even if you were willing to break your social obligations, the notifications kept on coming.

Like so many features, push notifications were developed to do good. Blackberry, once the leader of the smartphone pack, started sending users notifications to their home screens when new emails arrived. Prior to this advancement, people had to manually check their phones for updates. At the time—2003, also known as the dawn of the UX revolution—Blackberry saw this as a net good. Push notifications would, in theory, reduce people’s time on their phones (much like the Screen Time and Digital Wellbeing services being promoted today) and save battery life in the process. Instead, Blackberry and its peers found that notifications pull us back in.

Autoplay all day

Once you’re there—phone in hand, swiping through an app—the cycle starts again. On Instagram, for example, you may get a ping notifying you your friend who hasn’t posted in awhile is suddenly back with a new photo. But on their way to look, users inevitable come across new Instagram stories, the short videos or passing photos that users transmit to their followers for 24 hours.

Stories live at the top of the app and reappears at various intervals throughout the Instagram news feed. Seeing what your friends are up to in near-real-time is a draw on its own, but UX designers have sweetened the deal with a small psychological trick: The circular buttons used to play the stories are highlighted in pink until they are played, when the circle turns white. The next time the app updates, played videos are gone, and ever more pulsating pink stories are waiting to be played.

The stories feature also has an autoplay function. While you might consciously click to watch a video uploaded by your close friend, the stories keep playing, until you’re watching videos by your enemies, distant cousins, and advertisers. Other video platforms, like YouTube and Netflix, work much the same way.

Moving forward

The strategies UX engineers use to keep us engaged may seem appropriate, even positive. After all, we want our social media, games, and other technology to be engaging and these designs help to ensure that’s the case. But increasingly, experts are urging caution. Unlike many other forms of entertainment—movies, for example—smartphones don’t have a finite end point. The credits roll after approximately two hours, but you can swipe, tweet, or play until you die.

Even more concerning, most of these clever UX efforts remain largely invisible to users. As a result, people are unable to make informed decisions about how they want to interact with social media. “Knowledge is a start, as it is with any self-control problem,” Atler wrote via email. “You don’t even try to resist what you don’t recognize as harmful.” But to truly improve our relationship with our most-used devices, Atler, Raskin, and others say the next step will be to put the phone down and devise a plan to replace these engineered impulses with healthier habits we’ve crafted ourselves. Whether that involves Screen Time, Digital Wellbeing, or throwing your phone in a river is up to you.

Written By Eleanor Cummins