#again it's not you please dont thibk that its you

[thegorillanetwork]

Babe it's not you it's the rats. There's just so many of them.

[smileymoth]

No im in hell

Trying to sleep is impossible when your brain is like a tiktok feedpage and i dont even use tiktok

Theres some fuckass hyperpop slideshow hyperedit of a song im obsessed with rotating in there, right next to me trying to analyize and make my mind up about a certain situation im conflicted about, right next to me trying to hush it down by thinking about ethubs bc the topic makes me upset, then that gets overtaken by me thinking about a recent fanfic i read, then i get overwhelmed bc i have to be up in 4 hours because i have a long day from 10 till 3pm out of which 2 hours are outside where we film footage and then do some tech stuff and then after that its the exhibition planning and i have to be alert for that and then im thinking about the catalogue and i cant turn my brain off and then im like omg im going to the gym tomorrow yayay and then i start overanalyzing my weight and my build and then i get gender envy from the skinny white boys living in my brain and then im trying to unpack my body image issues again regarding gender and dysmorphia and then i end up analyzing situations again and then i try to hush it down with ethubs again because theure my current "oc" obsession to make up scenarios about in my head and then the hyperpop blingee covers start rotating in my head again and then i remember how heavy my chest feels and i want to cry but cant and i start thibking abt sh again and that stresses me out bc i cant do that too much and

Do you see why i cant sleep 😭😭 can my brain please shut up . Its like a windows movie maker slideshow in there thats been edited by an 8 year old who just discovered filters and transition slides

And then this guy is there ⬇️ which is fine bc hes harmless but can the rest LEAVE

[findursoulmateorfindyourself]

one year tumblr its a circle its a circle

here I am again dépressif

I make a step, I accept it

maybe its new maybe its old and im lying to myself but i lavel it as grow bc i need to survive

or i want to survive

i want to

i want to survive and therefore I need to hokd onti the light

we will all be forgotten we will all be

im a soonge im the soinge en fait

thibk about the table never firget the table

its faith and its being faithfull and krs acceprznce

ACCEPTANCE for once accept it

yes ur not very disciplined yes u tend to give up fast this are two things you beed to work out to feel better ti stay healthy work on it

but also please ur sick accept it to move on; you are sick and its not ur fault

dont iverestimate urself be even more humble and try to follow ur oqth not ibly when its easy

and irs okay u dont know it y dont habe the vision

u dint habe kt bc its nit ur destiny its because ur sick and jrs because ur build thst way

ur build that way baby girl

yr the lost understand at the sale time cirtical its not easy but you should understsnd ursekf for once ur so forgiving for others u always find excuses you always find reasons to make other people seem okay but what about you.

and we will all be forgotten we will all be forgotten

accept it

accept it

accept it

be kind to yourself, love yourself for the right reasons; which is your heart and tour heart is ungetioable yiu cant ssy thsts it but uts unnegotisble beautiful. yiu have a beautiful heart and even if you dont use it for nothing bht to survive ur life uve been gifted its enough baby. if you manqge to give urself the love that yiu carry inside tiu save already one life

accept that ur « sick » its true, for give urself

firgive urself forgive yoursekf for give yourself

yiu don’t owe the world nothing

its not your fault its not you and other feel the same. its not your fault

[straightjacket111]

it sucks honestly. mayb it was js right person wrong timing. or wtv. i love her alot. like really alot. shes really dat special to me because if she wasnt so special. i wouldnt be feeling in so much pain for the past few days and losing motivation to everythinf. be it work. hanging out with friends. continuing my lisens. all of dat. it feel so numb everyday and im tired hiding it all over again like how i used to to everyone. im tired. i really just wish i got into an accident or just die . because im really tired. i lost my love. i lost someone special to me. i lost everything. she was my ikigai. i lost her. i lost her because of me and i can never go back because of how much im scared of. how much im in pain. how much im suffering from it. i remember when she bought those foods. and dat drink. i didnt ate the donut because i know i was too tired so i let my siblings ate it. but i kept dat drink for almost 3 days and never drink it because. i really wan to keep it idky. because she bought it for me and i felt like keepinf it for my own my memories. i kept soo much stuff. every little things dat she gave i kept it. dats how much it matters even if its smtg small i js wan to keep it. dats how much i love her. i love her alot. i really mean everything i said. but i hate it dat everyday its js her in my mind because dats how much i missing her. i do miss her. but i cant . but i couldnt stop it but to js let those memories flow it through me. be it bad or good. all of them.

i just want to be happy . by myself. idw any rs anymore right after this . not js cuz i look at everyones the same but. i feel like at the end of the day. i only have myself. i cant depend on people on my happiness amd everythinf else. its quite fucking nonsense honestly. but for me to get the least hurt. i need to help myself . and its hard realy. its really hard to help myself. my birthdays coming. all i ever wish is. to have my own happiness. to be with my first love again in the future when we're both healthy. and for my first love to be happy at herself. and for the both of us to change not for anyone but ourself.

i love you nina. i'll forever love you. even how much pain u put me in. i stilk love you. u matter to me. glad ure still alive. i know i shouldnt go pass 100km/h jn and lane split in between cars jn at yishun dam. but i couldnt get over it because dats my only escape and im sorry. i hope ure eating well. not like me eating 1 meal a day. i hope ure taking care of urself like how u took care of me. i hope dat ure always being safe no matter where u are, or what ure doing. i really love you and im sorry. be happy at urself. dont say mean stuff to urself. u know u did ur wrongs. u realised ur mistake . dats good im proud of u. im proud of u for getting it through. im sorry for my sick mind. and all of dat. i guess i'll get over it. idk. but please . do smtg for urself. spend time for urself . all alone. dats really how u wan to find peace. i wan u to have dat because i really love you. i wan dat too. dont ever thibk dat i dont love you. im not sad. im fucking around after this. no. i do love you. i still do. i am sad. super sad. crying every night u know. dats why im having migraine dat easily. nope. i dont like girls. idw to be in rs. i hate girls. friends with them ?. no. i js dw. i js really wan peace for myself.

just be safe can u ?. i love you. dats the last time i'll be using tumblr. till the next few months or idk. im going ghost again. i love you okay.

[ghostboyhood]

SPOILERS!!! genuinely dont read if u plan on watching or dont know the ending..

oughhh i love young jake gyllenhaal and heath ledger <3

this movie might confirm that i have a thing for cowboys... i suspected it but we'll see ig

good lord its so green and pretty where they are

theres so many sheep holy shit

i love their voice sm omg.. the way jake gyllenhaal talks is so like... unique ?? idk

carving a horse outta wood, sick as fuck

i cant get over how beautiful it is oh my god.. id give anything to live some were like that

in love w this movie already honestly nd im only 17 minutes in.. the atmosphere, the way its filmed, the characters.. its very like.. peaceful??? not the word but its nice, its real

i love jake gyllenhaals outfit

PLEASE I LOVE THEM!!!omgharmonica

damn that bitch is gutted poor sheep 😭

dude being naked w just cowboy boots on is fucking sick as hell

NO THE WAY HE GRABS ONTO HIS ARM WHEN HE KNEELS DOWN PLEAJDJWJDJSBfuck dude ognsjajdn

YAYAYDHDJ

NO THEM CHASING EACJOTHER JS SO SWEET STOP IT

Bitch why is he watching them...

HOW AM I 40 MINUTES IN

look at them bright blue eyes 😍😍

THE LASSO THEM TUMBLING I CANTSHDHWNAA

DAMN OKAH JESUS NVM 😭😭

no stop "come here im sorry youre okay" AHSHSJSJSJ PELAKDKEJDJWND oh boy im liking this movie too much.. idk how it ends but im pretty sure its NOT good

icant do this literally nothing that horrible is happening yet but im getting like chills involuntarily what

IM GONNA BE SICK STOP THATS NOT FUNNY HIM CRYING NONO

hi michelle williams

AND IF YOU DONT I WILL" IS FUCKING CRAZY

is that a baby

it is oh boy OH MY GOD TWO??

so much blue denim

GET EM HELL YEAH !!!!

hi anne hathaway

that man is QUEER!!!! he is waiting for a MAN

god the shots in this movie are so pretty..

help hes so cute w the kids,, "the what?" "ketchup"

the time skips are fucking w my head jesus christ

AAAAAAAAUSHEHXHSHXJANXBWJZ

NO PLEASE THIS IS SO SWEET HES SK EXCITED THEYRE SO HAPPY

PLEASE BE KISSEDHIM FIRSTBAHSHWJXJSNXNWD

oh boy she saw them...

him holding ennis ☹️

i feel bad for his wife

I STILL HAVE AN HOUR LEFT??? HOW

ough i feel sick he wants to be with him forever so badly.. they both do.. no jack saying how they could go off n shit n what theyd do HES THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ARGHHH

those poor guys what the fuck....

please i love jack so much...

hes gotta be one of my favoritest characters ever i think.. smt about him is so.. idek..

ough them both fighting w their families :(

yeah that... checks out

HELP "i gotcher message about the divorce" HE SOUNDS SO HAPPY LMAOO

please hes so optimistic fuck

NO HES CRHING STOP STOP IM GONNA CRH I CANT

he has a mustache

WOAH honestly fucking hoof for jack hell yeah

help he has that motorized cutter thing like frank has in rocky horror picture show

holy shit oh my god...

ennis needs to chill out i completely understand where hes coming from but hes being so mean 😭😭

HELLO DAVID HAROUR WHY ARE YOU HERE????

jacks got that homo energy about him goddamn they all know

he did not say that he didnt say that oh my hod

"the truth is... sometimes i miss you so much i can hardly stand it"

IM GONNA BLOW MY FUCKINT BRAINS OUT RIGHT NOW STOPSTOPSTOPS DONT SAH THAT ☹️☹️☹️☹️

LIGHTEN UP ON HIM??? DONT SAY THAT DO YK WHT U JS FUCKING DROPPED ON HIM

oh my gof ob gmdt

"i wish i knew how to quit you"

this is the end! im SOBBING WHAG THE FUCK THIS ISNT FAIR jake gyllenhaal dont DO THIS TO ME

HES CRYING STOP HIMTACKCKOKGHSIAJDBSND FUCK

ENNIS HUGGING JACK FROM BEHIND ASHDHEHCJSB

wtf is he eating that looks like absolute shit

no

nonosklno

yourejoking youre actually joking

no that didnt happen that didnt happen no no fuck off no youre joking youre joking please hes not dead he didnt die no

im gonna be sick

wow that house is so fucking white there is NO color

oh my god he never washed that shirt stop

ITS HUNG UP IN HIS CLOSET BY THE PHOTO STIP STOP STOP

i feel dizzy oh my god i cant do this i dont ever wanna watch a movie again 😭

god i thibk that might be top ten movies... jesus christ everyone should go watch brokeback mountain right now i was fucking crying half the movie

im not gonna scale rate it bc i suck at those but man if i did it would be high

might watch brokeback mountain rn

[dykeyote]

Actually wait no come back and talk about nureyev I love him so much and I might expire if you don’t. What are your thoughts about the new ep with his backstory. Any thoughts on where it might go. Any THEORIES about him. Any thoughts about his motivations!! Any other thoughts you want to share about him!!! Please I’m withering away no one ever posts in the tpp tag anymore I need to be FED

OKAY SEE RIGHT . i am not fully caught up i have to be honest with you ive only heard secondhand things im still on season three i just make jokes about him betraying the crew because i think its funny keep in mind for all of these im only Just starting tools of rust if any of this is contradicted or confirmed later lmk that im being stupid ..... BUT !!!!! one theory i have about him is that like . so i think its pretty well understood that the reason nureyev's relationship to buddy is SO much more strained than everyone else is because she reminds him of mag right. the symbolism there is pretty heavy-handed she calls him by the nickname that we've only heard mag call him at that point in the narrative (and then immediately afterwards tells juno not to call him that because only people who are trying to parent him do), he talks about how he hasn't felt like someone has pledged to keep him safe the way buddy has since mag, buddy and mag hold many parallels especially in their relationship to nureyev (mentor-like thief who nureyev looks up to who has inserted themself into his life as a parental figure who gives some form of tough love) blah blah blah i dont need to go into that much depth into this because man in glass makes it pretty clear . but another reason i think he detaches himself from buddy and (as the wiki puts it) is "the problem child" is because he doesnt want to be the favorite child again. which is not to say that nureyev doesn't want to be the best - because he does! he very much does, nureyev has an ego throughout his arc that, while to some degree a front, is still very much present. he sees himself as so good at what he does that he doesn't need to have any support anymore despite consciously knowing that a team can be useful, he puts a lot of effort into presenting himself in a flawless manner and he does truly believe that this is achievable. while it may not come naturally, if he plans everything out to the letter, he is just that good that it'll go to plan. he does see himself as incredibly good (or at least trying to be), and to a degree he does want these achievements to be recognized - but being the best is not the same as being someones favorite. to be a favorite you have to be their favorite, to be something tangible and possessed, and nureyev loathes that - like he says in season one, he is the person who disappears, not vice versa. he constantly cycles through personas, not even using the same concept twice let alone the same name despite newlyweds being incredibly common, and nobody can get attached to him. if he is someones's favorite, he is someone's, and that gives them an in to that layer of vulnerability he hasn't granted since mag. plus i think some lines from the new ep lean into this but idk i havent listened lol maybe this is all disproven . but anyway thats my rhoughts on him hehe he lives in my brain i an ALWAYS happy to talk about him . AND A THOUGHT I HAVE TO SHARE ON HIM !!!!!! is that i thibk the way he names his aliases is cute and silly . "duke rose" "rex glass" theyre such dramatic names . he ssi silly

[falloutboywife]

this is about gender stuff again btw so like. a continuation of the anon I got the other day

man I've been thinking a lot about this kind of shit and hhh. I mentioned before I hate having to think about it because I hate that its even a problem to begin with. I hate that its an issue and I hate how much it complicates my life and how I view myself and my place in society and interpersonal relationships but sometimes I just cannot get it off my mind. sometimes things just happen during the day and someone will say something entirely innocent and harmless and it'll just stand out to me and I'll internally wince and think "no, actually, I disagree". today one of my roommates and I were going to her campus together so she could use their computers for an assignment and when she thought it would just be the two of us she made a comment like "it'll just be the girls" and it was so innocent and so harmless and it wasn't anything at all but as soon as she said that I was like

n......no

I mean I didn't say anything out loud obviously, I didn't say anything at all but I realized like. I really do not like being seen as a female. I don't like it when my friends call me a straight girl (I'm not even straight, they say it as an admittedly funny joke because I'm female bodied and constantly talking about male celebrities and shit but the Implication that it would make me straight I find disagreeable) and I just. I own a binder but I don't wear it a lot because it hurts my chest since I have massive fucking hangers but I've been feeling weird lately and when I wore it, even if you could tell I was binding, I felt so much fucking better

I thibk for the longest time I didn't really let myself explore this because I told myself I couldn't. I feel I've mentioned it briefly but I bad this one abusive ex who launched me into a really deep depression for a few years that I'm still recovering from and I basically stopped trying to really live my life for a long time and I stopped engaging in a lot of things that made me happy. one thing she'd say to me was constantly imply I was trans and that it was okay if I wanted to transition, and I hated when she would do that because 1. she was constantly saying things I wanted or did were okay only to instantly turn around and get mad at me for doing them (there was a major instance of this that actually led to us breaking up) and 2. if I'm telling you repeatedly that I don't feel that applies to me please understand. I know I mentioned last time that I've always called myself a woman but there were actually a few periods of time when I was younger where I did want to be seen as a boy or a man but I always got talked out of it by people who told me that wasn't how I Really felt

I still feel like i don't really have any options because I don't know how far I'd want to transition if I even did want to transition or how I would tell my family what was happening if I got top surgery (which I genuinely think I want no matter what, even if I didn't transition) or went on hrt because my dad didn't even know i was into women until like 5 years ago and he just assumed it because of the people he saw me hanging out with. I also want to go into teaching and I know that probably wouldn't go very well with maintaining job security for a number of reasons and it just like. even if being a woman doesn't directly dictate the life I'm living, it feels like that sort of identity is still a major part of my relationships with people

I dont really know what I want or how far I wanna take things but I think it's safe to say I really don't want to be a woman and I hate feeling like I have to view myself as one. when I get to be masculine or like I don't have to present or behave in a feminine way at all I feel so much better. I still tried to hold onto the idea that its not that complicated and that I'm still cis by thinking I was butch, or maybe even just a lesbian (still working on that one) but no i really don't think I'm a woman at all and thats as far as I've gotten with this lol

[semi-imaginary-place]

In which I play maddening classic with only Byleth and Dimitri and liveblog on discord 1/15/20 - 2/2/20

because if I’ve got to see a character die repeatedly, countless times, it might as well be dimitri.  

So I'm on maddening and classic with only dimitri and I’m going to kill off every other character. I heard if they reach 0 hp in part 1 they stick around the monastery and you can talk to them they just aren’t a part of your class anymore. Give me your blessings.

I died on the prologue! ... i dont have a healer... Death count:2

I am definitely new game+ cheating this for professor level and skills. I was thinking magic focused but she can't be too squishy... Gremory would help that. Also why do all the magic classes have bad growths. Give me a moving fortress of magic!

Ashe went down, 7 to go. Ch3 turned into a survival horror... but i made it out

Ch 6 is hell. Any idea for how to kill every last one of them in 25 turns with only byleth? Or alternately get to and take down the death knight. Only byleth and dimitri run. And no dimitri this chapter, Byleth's a thief

My main problem in crowd control. If i had infinite turns then i could agro them 1 by one... Maybe I've built byleth wrong and just don't have the stats. Is the warp route faster? Haven't tried that yet. In hindsight this was a bad idea for my first maddening run. I'm so used to not using byleth much that this is very different. Damn archers...  Got done in by chip damage the first time...

I I dont know what happened... but I beat the death knight.... I was expecting to die becausr i accidentally opened the door so i skipped what actually happened.... Next thing I know game is telling me i got a dark seal What  Did I crit? With a silver sword? Im in shock I DONT EVRN I dont even know if it was a crit! But byleth is thief so lethality is out of the question Maybe I should go give a sacrifice to rng god

so I was in shock but yeah I used the warp route and avoided fighting most of the enemies.

So i'm now at the winter ball chapter and felix is still alive (i've decided to off one character every chapter so Miklan downed sylvain. oh and first time through ch5 i accidentally stepped into range of one of the center archers so every unit rushed me and i died) and i tried felix's paralogue and wowo its impossible. Rodrigue dies in 2 attacks, outruns my healing and likes to charge headfirst into the enemy. My record so far is 3 turns before he dies. Might give up since this is optional.

(i eventually finished the paralogue but gave up saving anyone else so i didn’t even get anything good out of it)

The ally A.I. is sooo bad. Jeralt. Dad. Please stop getting yourself killed

Almightly Father in Heaven preserve me. I'm making dimitri learn reason.  maybe his rationale will start making sense no more moon logic for you boy

Hey. Why wont the game let me make dimitri a dark bishop

I need dark mage certification first? Or is the internet lying to me

Well dimitri is at c+ reason but I'm tired of grinding.  

got dimitri from c+ to b+ in a battle. But the boredom makes me want to cry.  Also might have miscalculated.... Fighting an assassin in a forest.... i have 35% hit and no other weapon. They have like 18% hit....  When will i be free...

I made dimitri into a dark bishop and he beat lysithea in the magic tournament.  Also just the thought of dimitri in slithers is funny to me

wrath is how i survived the sothis paralogue. crit everything

chasing the empire around in the hold tomb with 2 units was actually kinda fun

I cant believe that worked... Final battle of part 1. I charge down the middle. And it works 4 turns for infanty to cross the field... and it worked ... Welp i somehow made it to part 2 intact. Endless waves of reinforcement here i come

(Oh yeah and rng is punishing me right now by giving terrible level ups)

For the bridge is it best to go straight for the commander?

bridge wasn’t too bad but I was convinced to spare dedue so i had to fend enemies off him like ants to a dropped ice cream cone. if dedue reaches 0 hp or you don’t do his paralogue he dies in fhirdiad and I’m trying to get everyone off my party but not dead, soooo he’s along for the ride

I'm stuck on am ch 14 ... how do I defend 4 spaces when I have 2 units... Those pegasus knights keep dodging too... Damn pegasus knights.... without them i could just hold a choke point with 1 unit. I have 4 gambit uses maximum... Another thought I had is to out fly their flyers so I can shift byleth over quickly. if I take out randolf in delusional prince the map doesn't end. It just stops reinforcements right? 

Soo I tried to kill randolf but my movement is too low. It takes 3 turns to reach him...

Yup this is possible. But because I can't do things the quick way. I'll have to do the long way of waiting out the right side and then heading for randolf with byleth all the while holding out with dimitri in the center and hoping rng favors me for lije 20 turns

ALRIGHT WhIcH oF yOuSe a LIAR Sooo .... killing randolph does not stop reinforcements nor does it get you a victory, the fire attack is the only way. Time to go guard another npc with a death wish. Also Gilbert is unkillable in AM

FEAR ME The only way to beat a pegasus knight to to out pegasus knight the pegasus knight Falcon knight bae-by! I am unstoppable I. Am absolute (I am never doing this again)

Finally got past that defend 4 spaces with 2 units and endless reinforcements

I've figured out how to level grind since same level enemies are giving like 7exp each

Alright. Taking suggestions, on how to keep hilda and judith alive in golden deers plea.  Alternately, how to kill arundel in 2 thurns without archers destroying me.  With only byleth and dimitrti.  Right now I'm thibking retribution-> byleth and gunning it. Suggestions for abilities/battalions? My current thought is vantage, alert stance+, renewal, wrath, pavaise, and evasion ring and bridgid hunters

Well i can get to arundel before hilda dies but not judith. I'm starting a campaign to save judith. Please pledge your support on the indiegogo page below

whew judith and hilda and both alive! Stride was a good idea. just make a run for arundel. Kinda sad i didn’t get the aurora shield but eh I got the stat increases at least. I also tried propping up judith with byleth healing them but tanking doesn’t exist in maddening so that didn’t work.

I've been skipping cutscenes because there’s no one else there but gilbert

Things I have learned this playthrough: how to grind skills, how to grind levels, how to save scum level ups. 

I’m actually getting a lot of dialogue I missed before just because Byleth and Dimitri are taking down every single enemy unit

At fort merceus, and i want the black pearl.  And i'd like to avoid lindhardt and caspar.  I'm thinking 1: fly over nab the pearl and kill death knight.  2: wait it out and eliminate every last unit ob the map.  What turn does death knight start running? Or is when you get to a specific part of the map?  Or am i thinking of an entirely different map...

New plan. Forget everything else and kill death knight

I have beaten the death knight. I have beaten the impregnable fortress. 44% crit rate.  But I didn't get the black pearl in the treasure chest and i want my item so... i might redo the battle

Got my pearl. for an idea what the battle is like each turn each of the 2 units needs to be on one specific tile for the best chance of survival, if they die i usually had to restart the battle or change something to get a reroll. and you do this for like 5 turns learning the combinations with a mix of guesswork and trial and error. you also need to move quickly because if 4 units surround you, you’ll be stuck until you’ve defeated every single enemy unit on the map or more likely you die.

Ok story time.  So I'm on ch 21 of AM now and aux battle no longer give me exp so my only way of leveling is healing (the exp curve is brutal). Even with the double use of bishop, i'm running down to the wire getting 1 level up/battle (plus the next battle where they gain stats for its more like 1 level/2 battles). I ran out of healing with like 500exp left to go so i restarted but by the end of the 20 heals and 10 recovers I had a different number and now I’m confused Reddit is telling me turn count? Affects exp gain?

Anyways I'm in enbarr.  One of the many wonderful things about playing with only dimitri and byleth is that you can't change their starting positions in battles

Wow i did that on my first try. O.o  Huh that actually worked... Good thing hubert is squishy. spared dorothea and petra too. huh.

I just had a realization... on the last map of AM. If I apply retribution to everyone... could I kill edelgard with that without having to cross the room? Hmmmm must try it out

Nope cant counter attack. Good thing enemy units on this map are acting defensively and only attack when you go into range.  If they swarmed me I'd be dead (again)

Once you reach a certain tile they do swam... i lasted like 4 turns... need to clear the room to stop reinforcements...

(its impossible to stop reinforcements with 2 units on maddening. once you get to the throne room a new wave comes each turn. but clearing the rooms before hand buys you time before you are overwhelmed). To give an idea of what’s going on aux battles are aprox 10 levels below my units. regular enemies are about the same level (so each is a threat and my 2 units can die on any turn) and bosses are usually a couple levels higher.

Hehehehe I am so powerful I have beaten maddening with only byleth and dimitri (Dedue came along for the ride too but was never deployed to battle)

The final AM wasn't as hard as some of the others (defending garreg mach) but boy is it long.  I think my final turn count was in the 50s.  Also the credit screen character battle  count maxes out at 999

I think I got dimitri and byleth up to like 70 base crit last playthrough. Plus wrath and defiant crit almost garunteed each hit was a crit.

nope it was more like base 120 crit

In the end for both dimitri and byleth I used rng based builts around avoid and critical hits (after i figured out what the hell i was mid way through part 1). dimitri went through the brawler line and then split time between war master and great lord. Byleth went up the thief line to assassin and then falcon knight. for both of them i also got most of the class skills.

considering this was my first maddening or classic run, I looked at 0 strategy guides (like an idiot) and had no idea what i was doing in the beginning, I’d say I did pretty well for myself.

oh and I was mistaken about something, if a unit reaches 0 hp in part one they die off screen during the timeskip (except gilbert to my despair) so there was no real point to sparing dedue. I really do hate gilbert, it seems no matter what you do you are stuck with him all of AM. there is no salvation. and this is why i skipped all the cutscenes this time around.

Dedue didn’t have much if any influence on the playthrough. Dedue was never deployed in any of the chapter battles but he did tag along as an adjunct (no weapon equipped) in aux battle sometimes because I felt bad for leaving him out all the time (that and dedue pops up later in battle on the map in part 2 and if he was still a level 1 commoner i would have 0 chance of beating the map since enemies rush him). so him leveling up was to negate the consequences of keeping him alive. If i had gotten him killed i wouldn’t have to worry about keeping him alive later. By the time I got to part 2 the skill gain from tutoring was negligible compared to the amount gained from grinding in battles, also both units were starting to max out on skills (S+) so choosing to explore the monastery gave little benefit. Interestingly, you can’t do a lot of the monastery activities if you only have 1 student (choir, dining, etc). So even after Dimitri stops loafing around, having dedue there for eating meals and stuff wouldn’t have helped and I’d choose battle anyways.

I now know more about how the game works than I ever wanted to... For example the calculations for any probability check (hit/miss, crit, level ups, pass/fail) are long done by the time you see them. so to reroll the dice so to speak you have to go back a certain amount of time (varies for each thing. Level up stats are determined before you enter the battle field so you have to reload a save on or before the preparations screen. Whether you pass/fail a certification is already determined by the time you reach as given calendar date, so you have to reload to before that day. If you divine pulse a 95% hit rate that your unit missed to right before any action is taken with that unit, they will still miss. With only 2 units you will probably have to rewind to the previous turn, but with a full party you need to go back at least a few units but I don’t know the exact number. More or less forcing the game to run at least one different probability calculation than your target will reset whatever result was determined for your target.

When you have an infinite number of iterations, even the most unlikely outcomes eventually come to pass.

This run was  60% luck, 35% perseverance,  4% "grinding", 1% skill, 100% pain

edit: 5/1/2020: looking back, i was a stubborn idiot (as usual) for refusing to look up strategies or other solo maddening runs that people had already done. i can definitively say omegarevolution dealt with the defend map far better than i did. i never even considered +20hit to deal with falcon knights

oh yeah and i don’t have dlc or the nintendo online subscription so i couldn’t use any of that.

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[redditnosleep]

My Best Friend Died In A School Shooting

by ChaosPrimed

Everyone in my area has their thoughts centered on a single event that occurred just two days ago. An event that has brought many people to tears for the sheer horror of the situation; we all lost something that day. My best friend, Andrew, died in every parent's nightmare-a school shooting.

He sent me text messages as it started until the end of his life. I couldn't stop reading them over and over again, emotions overwhelming me in waves. I can't talk to anyone about this, not even my parents-this is a very personal matter. But I need to somehow let it out, and this reddit community is the only place I know I can reach out to. That's why I've decided to transcribe my dear friend's last words to me here, completely unaltered.

Andrew: 11:42 | hey dude we have a stupid surprise lockdown rn

11:42 | wish I were home sick like you lol

Me: 11:43 | rip they usually tell you about those drills. How longs it gonna last?

Andrew: 11:44 | idk but the teachers are being super bitchy about it like they think it's a real threat haha. They actually think their enthusiasm will make us care XD

Me: 11:45 | bruhh theyre always so annoying like that

11:50 | dont leave me on read respond already

Andrew: 11:52 | I don't think this is a drill. They're talking about an actual intruder and I think I heard gunshots

11:52 | Fuck

11:53 | One of the kids here said he came from the cafeteria where someone was shooting and kids were running around screaming

11:53 | Dude the girls in the classroom here with me are crying really loudly they won't shut up

Me: 11:55 | boi you playin

Andrew: 11:55 | No dude I'm fucking serious! I think this is actually real

11:57 | I hope the police come soon. A few people said they made calls

Me: 11:58 | andew i really hope your not just fucking around this isnt funny

12:07 | dude answer me

Andrew: 12:11 | Sorry I was just asking around if anyone knew how long it would take for them to arrive. They said the nearest station is like 45 mins away but theres like a fucking accident and a roadblock on the way

12:13 | I think im scared

Me: 12:14 | holy shit dude youre so screwed if your joking

Andrew: 12:14 | i'm not! I wouldn't joke about this sort of shit!

Me: 12:14 | oh god hang in there

12:15 | is there an exit door for you?

Andrew: 12:15 | No im in class 212

12:17 | If i jumped out the window i would break my legs since its on the second floor and be a sitting duck

12: 17 | The loudspeakers just came on and confirmed theres a shooter hes moved out of the cafeteria

Me: 12:18 | lets hope nothing happens to you...im scared

Andrew: 12:18 | How do you think i feel? Im fucking terrified!!!

12:19 | Sorry i shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm just kinda shaken up

Me: 12:20 | its alright be strong

12:21 | keep me updated okay? Ill worry if u suddenly stop talking to me...

Andrew: 12:25 | oh man hes moving around quickly from class to class I hope he skips mine

Me: 12:27 | do you have a god andrew?

Andrew: 12:27 | Wtf?

Me: 12:28 | No im just saying that if youre religious then you should pray for safety and deliverance

Andrew: 12:29 | Yeah that makes sense. The guy next to me is actually doing that rn

12:31 | So this is what fearing for life is like. My hands are so cold why would that be

12:32 | I dont want to die i always wanted to work for nasa i wanted ti be an austronat ehen i was a kid oh god fuck shit fucking hell man i cant i don't want to die

12:33 | Hes getting closer im so scared dudecread my messages please be there please you're the onky person i have

Me: 12:34 | i hope you end up fine

12:34 | im worried and scared

Andrew: 12:40 | FUCK I THIBK HES NEARBY I CAN HEAR SHOOTING REALY LOUD FUCJING HELL

Me: 12:40 | just stay wherecyou are and dont try to escapecor you might get shot!

Andrew: 12:41 | I KNOW

12:43 | I SAW HIS SHADOW THROUGH THE WINDOW

Me: 12:44 | oh fuck!

12:44 | maybe if your quiet theb he wont notice

Andrew: 12:49 | HES KICKING THE DOOR

12:49 | YOURE MY BEST FRIEND REMEMBER ME

12:50 | TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM

12:50 | THE DOOR OPENDED HES IN

The door gave way soon under my violent kicks. The sound of it smashing into the adjoining wall felt like a proper signal for my grand entrance as I stepped in and began to fill my fellow students with an onslaught of bullets. I saw my dear, best friend Andrew hit the 'send' button for his last message before gazing up at me in speechless disbelief.

[i-thot-remade-blog]

Why am i. So SENSITIVE

[trainofthoughtbyasof]

i think today im gonna die?

idk i just feel it

maybe not tho? probabbly not

i feel this way often

im nnot saying i want to die

im just saying i think its ginna happen

god i always have so many spelling mistakes

dont think i am less intellengent for it

i just cant write as fast as my brain thibks

anyway yes im going to go see j***

not j**, j***, two different guys lol

and for some reason

i think he is going to kill me

or hurt me

but he has given me no reason to think that

hes always been nice to me

its just a gut feeling, and im supposed to trust me gut

i mean its a long story between me and him 

and i havent been the best person, mostly ghosting lol

its just kinda complicatd

i dont ghost him becasue i hate him or something

i just dont have the energy to like him

he wants to take me to a spot near a lake

is that where he plans to hide my body?

I really dont want to die, 

Im looking forward to so much

and yet im still going

my need to please people outweighs my fear of death.

oof

i really dont want to die

he probably wont kill me

hes a military man, they say theyre prone to violence

in driving myself, so i can always just drive away

i guess

a small reasurance

my fam wants to have pizza tonight, i look forward to that

and i miss my doggy, hes out being taken care of by friends

so i want to see him again

so so so badly

i miss my dog, and i dont want to die yet

ill let you know if i survive

[equiteslegati]

「Rebuttal」

"After almost 3 fucking years now you decide to be who you were when i first loved you"

let me re-explain one more time because this angers me and since i cant harm myself because i guess i promised you i wouldnt:

the day before you said yiu wanted to go, i wrote a whole thing that i was letting everything go because my while entire beung was crushed by the weight of it. everyone i told about this was happy. i told everyone i was ready to gi further, i was ready to make myself better for you. the following day, i told them all you left me.

its my curse. and until i die, ut will probably bebthe same. i was Lways too late, even when i rushed myself

maybe youll forgive me

but then again, i dint even know if youd care enough to know the amount of damage our vreakup has caused. i see what it did to you, i just havent told you whT i have experiebced, and i may never. i was toxic to you and i wish id have killed myself instead of doing all of this to you.

but i never went back, i just let go of something that ate into me for 8 years and chose to rwally work on myself

maybe i coukd have saved tgis if i did it earlier but i swear to gid all i want is a gun to my head and for you to pull the trigger. you may not be happy with it, but my resolve is extreme to the end, and yiu know this.

and even as i write all of this, im still confused. you wanted me to move on but since i really have, it kills you that i became anew. we dragged each other diwn. you said we beeded a vreak and i used that time to reset myself. it was onky natural that i vecame the person you first fell in love with. but i couldnt ever bekieve that you would actually come back. yoyre around him so much, theres no way youd ever want me back. i accepted that and made it my resolve. i didnt want to, i HAD to. you didnt want me sitting here firever. i didjt expect to have feelings for someone yet, i didjt expect to get iver yoy, but you were over me and onto someone sooner in my eyes. i wont call you hypicritcal because i more than expected that from yoy- and im not trying to talk shit, i didnt thibk yoyd sticj around regardless of hiw hard i wished i had begged yiu to give me a chance. i dont think i deserve it.

but maayve the wirst thing i feel out of this on your end is that you said we beed a vreak, ran to someone else, devemoped feelinfs for hin. then came clean that you didnt want to do long distance. i kost you the minute you realuied you were touch depraved. i saw it and felt it.

im not veing a victim, but telling you more clearly my thoughs.

you may have hid that for so long and you say uve chanced since the chloe problem but never tried to hekp me find resolve. i cut her out to help me get bacj to me abd it didnt help because my past was still crushing me. had you have waited maybe it woukd have worked out, but we cant take it back now. as in pain as you are and can voice it, im reserved, and am sure i will always be reserved. i felt something special for you that i didnt think would ever be real, but i prepared fir you to hate me. i never wanted to control you, i left you with as free of a will as i could bear. you hid frim me that you hurt yourself, and that is still lying. you know i cant stand that.

ive spent more time writing all of this than i have working on a car im about to be fired for because i give a shit. i didnt act like it i guess, because i wasnt ready. i had to release everything in me and move on before i could please you. i was just too late. never love someone like me again. i may have been able to give you the world once but i guarantee yiu that if i had a second chance before this, i woukd have shown you.