#again it isn't playing on my computer??? but idk tumblr hates me

[chenkari]

Haven't made a personal post in a long time. I don't use tumblr like I used to, haha. I've been using it a little more lately though.

Bitchin' under the cut. Tw for depression, suicide, whatever.

I'm at a really low point in my life right now. We moved homes and it's been very hard on me. I lived in my old house for 24 years (since i was 5) and it's just very difficult for me to let go. I cry like every night about it, I miss my old house so bad. I'm thankful that I have a place to live and everything but it's just. So fucking hard. I know it'll get better with time but right now is so difficult. Thankfully we're still in the same state, initially my parents wanted to move out of state, so that's a plus. But regardless, we moved further away from my friends and work. My old commute to work was about 10 minutes, now it's 35-45. I hate my job, so having to drive further is like. So fucking annoying. Right now I'm off work on a medical leave, thankfully. I don't think I'd be able to function. I'm farther away from my best friend and while it isn't unmanageable, it's just.... idk frustrating. We've lived close together our whole lives.

I feel so isolated out here, it's further from the cities, there isn't a lot out here. I went on doordash and there were only 3 restaurants and a gift shop lmao. (major gripe: there is no target. im going to KILL MYSELF.)

I contemplated killing myself a lot. I'm so unhappy. I thought about doing it before we left the house. Like, so in a way so I wouldn't have to go. But I'm still alive. I still think about killing myself like every day though, especially at night. I think at night I become more emotional and shit. I'm alone with my thoughts in bed I guess, so I just think about it. I feel like this might be the most suicidal I've ever been in my life, and I've been trying to manage it but i'm struggling. I feel like I'm not even living. I'm just like. Surviving.

Something that has been really hard is like, my dad doesn't give a fuck. I can't be upset about moving in front of him cause he's like, oh my gooood, just get over iiiit. And like, I'm trying. But I'm allowed to be sad and miss my home too. Idk i want to be comforted by my family I guess. He's also just been more mean to me in general and idk why. Like I'll ask something totally... Normal. And he gets all pissed. Like I asked if he could pick up ramen noodles when he went to the store, and he got all pissed off. Like damn, sorry. And the thing is, I don't ask for much. I usually just ask my parents for like. A food item. I did ask recently for one of those mirror cabinets cause the new bathroom here does not have a lot of space. I asked about it again cause he never replied to my text and he yelled at me about that. Like, you can just say no. I just ended up buying it myself. Idk, i just wish he would say no instead of launching into yelling at me about it.

Idk I've just been so depressed lately, I can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just lay in bed. Even things I enjoy. I don't feel like playing games, I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like drawing. I just lay there doom scrolling on twitter. I've been a little better lately, I've been able to get out of bed and get on the computer for a bit. But still I have days where I just lay there.

I don't think i mentioned it on tumblr, but I'm a streamer now, (cringe ass vtuber. very small, not a big deal.) and while I normally like streaming, I can't bring myself to get back into my routine. My streams don't do so well too, so it's a bit disheartening. I'm not the most entertaining, it's my fault. Idk I'm just not very good at chatting about things going on cause I don't really have a lot going on. It's easier when people come watch and talk with me, but I can't expect that of people. I have to be better.

I'm scared about returning to work. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I hate my job so much, it's so fucking much. It's non stop work, no downtime, everything is always broken, and we don't have any appointments for people. (I make dr appointments for my job) All the appointments are like at least a week out and everyone is like "what the fuck" and I can't do shit about it. It's so stressful and idk. I don't want to go back. I've been looking for new jobs but I'm not having a lot of luck.

Tbh though I'm kinda in a tough financial situation right now so if anyone feels up to it, my paypal is https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/chenkari, I could use gas/grocery money. I would appreciate it.

I had to take Venus to the vet, she had an aural hematoma. They drained it, but her ear swelled up again. It is slowly going down now. I wonder how long until she'll be all better. I hope it isn't hurting her anymore. The cats have been good about the move. Sometimes Venus hides though and I can't find her anywhere :C I don't know where her hiding spot is wehh.

Anyways. Guess I just wanted to talk about what I was up to these days. Get it off my chest. Later.

[realasunicorns]

"Give me a character and I will answer"

@callmehername asked me about Ben Solo/Kylo Ren.

(My answers to the other characters are here)

Why I like them

It is hard to talk about this character when I know so little about him, since he's very new compared to all the others. So be kind if I make assumptions bc it's mostly what we can do for now, I think. For me at least, to take what we canonically know about him for sure doesn't leave much to choose, so I'm doing my own thing a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Having said this:

Basically, I like him bc he's complex. He's conflicted, but that's something we've seen before. He's also unstable tho. Really unstable.

But I also like him because I feel like I have a hard time reading him. Like, we know he's unstable, but... Are his actions those of a conflicted (and traumatized and probably brainwashed) child grown up? Or not really? I mostly get the feeling he could be very determined and manipulative under that confused look. That he knows exactly what he's doing even if he looks like a mess with temper tantrums. That he's conflicted and he knows people know that, so he uses that as a disguise, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Or maybe it isn't that at all. Maybe he's THAT misguided. I guess we'll have to wait for Episode IX to find out more, but for now I like that he keeps me guessing.

Then there is also the fact that troughout the Episodes, we are repeatedly told by the Jedi that one must resist the Dark Side. It is easy to fall and once you do, it forever will dominate your destiny. And I think it's fascinating how Kylo is permanently fighting to stay in it. For someone to show such a struggle with the Dark Side, it could mean an increadibly strong alignment to the Light and/or that he was pushed into the darkness by someone without his consent (hello Snoke) probably by means of an idea in his mind. An idea that was wrong all along: what Vader was supposed to be like. What he was supposed to be too. So he's holding onto the darkness on sheer determination to be that. (Which I find to be very ironic bc if you read my opinion on Anakin I always thought he was conflicted all along, Vader as well. Maybe not just like Ben, but he wasn't like Sheev, that kind of pure evil that Ben seems to think he was.)

To me it all goes down to: would he struggle as much to stay in the Light as he struggles to be in the Dark? How much of it was Snoke's doing? Walking the fine line between the Light and the Dark would make him even more interesting as a character. And it also brings something into the table that I've been waiting for many, many years: actual force balance/the Grey/etc.

So, essentially, what I love the most about his character is all the possibilities he brings to the table and the fact that he's not just a villian, not just a [insert other classic character tropes here].

(I could say the same about Rey in a way, since they are two sides of the same coin. But also not quite the same. And also I'm not here to talk about Rey haha)

Why I don’t

To me it makes no sense his name is Ben unless there's something I missed. I'm still waiting for an explanation that makes it fitting.

(oh and also he's supposed to be 29 and he doesn't feel like it to me? and sometimes I feel confused? lol idk how to explain it bc I don't really know what bugs me, but something feels off 🤷🏻‍♀️ but that's about it, no big deal at all haha)

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

Easy. When he kills Snoke in The Last Jedi. More like, how he does it. I'm a huge fan of the whole deception he plays on him.

And let me say I think he might have had it planned all along when he took that look at the guards while being in the room that time before 👀

Favorite season/movie

IDK AAAAH

Maybe it's the one to come?

No, seriously. I really don't know. I have no preference atm.

If I must choose based on him aesthetically tho, then I'm choosing The Force Awakens! TFA hair AAAAALL THE WAY:

GIF source*

Favorite line

"Forgive me. I feel it again... The pull to the Light."

I just love it.

Favorite outfit

I believe he's only had one?

GIF source*

One very much on point tho👌🏻

OTP

I don't ship him romantically atm 🤔

BROTP

OMG ALSO NO BROTPs?! I JUST DON'T SHIP HIM AT ALL. I REALLY BOUGHT THE SPACE EMO KID THING HE'S SELLING 🤣

Head Canon

He understands Wookie like it's his mother tongue.

He and Chewie used to play when he was a kid. It was like having a huge (and alive) teddy bear friend to play with. They would do mechanics together and later some piloting maybe?

💔

(OK, MAYBE I WANTED HIM AND CHEWIE AS BROTP BUT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE, HE KILLED HAN FFS AAAAHHH😭😭😭)

Unpopular opinion

The anti's are not morally superior, they are just haters and bullies.

First of all, acting as if Kylo Ren was the devil is non-sense in GFFA. He's not that bad if you compared to so many others lol He's no saint, but why would he have to be? And even if it was denying someone a redemption before he can even claim it or whatever is really, really shitty. So there's no hope then for people to improve? Shouldn't they be encouraged to get better specially if they have been wrong and hurt others? Not discouraged? What kind of shit is that.

And second, shipping him with Rey or whoever is fine even if it was unhealthy. I have seen a million unhealthy ships (some in GFFA too) and no one ever made a big deal because it is no big deal. And this one should be no different. You just want an excuse to hate. Besides, many shippers actually ship them in AUs. So it's not necessarily an unhealthy ship. But in case it was, it's none of your business. And certainly no one deserves the shitty treatment these people give to the shippers. And on top of all of that, I find disgusting that they use something as detrimental as abusive relationships as an excuse to be bullying other fans. WHICH IS ABUSIVE TOO, HELLO. To use your (supposedly) superior morals as the reason to be rightfully allowed to discriminate others is by definition abusive behaviour. And this is real life, not some fictional character's. Really, really ugly shit smh

#RANTOVER.

A wish

I hope they don't play the classic redemption arc and stick to the simple usual light vs. darkness thing. Give something more complex, something good, something different. GIVE SOMETHING INSPIRING.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

I don't think Reylo is a good idea in canon, like, there being romantically involvement in the movie.

Not bc of the relationship itself. Although I would prefer none of it, I don't know what they are planning and I don't think I know better than the creators, so it could probably be done right in some way if that's really the plan. And who knows, maybe I would enjoy it(?) Butr my taste, the balance of the force should be the plot and I feel this, even as a sub-plot, would overshadow it. So it's a no for me atm.

Also imagine all the haters backlash if it happened... Look, idk if I have enough patience for another TLJ 😱

(SEE? HATERS ARE WHY THERE IS NO FREEDOM OF WRITING ANYMOREok I try to chill nowBUT SERIOUSLY STOP THE FLAME WARSi want an overall happy fandom why can't we have it)

5 words to best describe them

Lonely. Misunderstood. Overpowered. Unstable. Capable.

My nickname for them

Kylo is fine haha I don't think I ever call him Ben (by now you know I don't much like him being called that)

I fail at the nickname thing, I really have no nicknames for any of them! Ok maybe space emo prince 👀 😂

GIF source*

And this is it!

Unicorn Kisses!🦄

–

*Excuse the not-so-great cites of GIF sources BLAME THE TUMBLR APP, I’ll change them once I have a computer... some day. There's also the fact that some source didn't exist(?) so I linked what I could find.

[quillsandink]

As requested by the lovely Ellie, here is my attempt at covering Ghost by Halsey.