#after dying and coming back so many times Shisui doesn't value his own life anymore

[uchihashisui-kun]

Pls I need more of that time loop au

Shisui has lived through so many lives that he doesn't remember them all anymore. He had tried to keep track at first, but his notes always got lost with each reset and after a while the memories started blurring together

He has been many things during these times. A shinobi, an academy teacher, a missing-nin, a clan head, a medi-nin. Oftentimes he doesn't bother leaving his position in ANBU

He has also been Hokage, once. He's not proud of himself for that one. Tired of the village, the clan and the Sandaime never listening to him, he had used his Mangekyō to manipulate his way into the position, lies falling from his lips as easily as breathing and deceiving everyone who dared to question him. He still feels like he wants to throw up when he thinks about it, even though it's been a long time ago

Maybe, Shisui thinks sometimes, maybe he could have been an actual good leader if he had worked hard to win the village's trust with honesty instead of what he did. He never earned that position. Never really tried to, and he doesn't want to try now. The idea of sitting behind that desk with the hat on his head and the cape on his shoulders is enough to make him cry. Remembering his face carved on the mountain beside the Yondaime's is even worse

Shisui knows many things he shouldn't. He knows about the Akatsuki and their plans. He knows about Pain, Obito, Madara, Zetsu. He has lived through Itachi's illness enough times to know how fast it progresses, how many stages it has, how to treat it to keep Itachi alive. He has been the reason why Shisui has decided to become a medic more than once

He has trained under Tsunade, even if she doesn't remember it. He has followed Jiraiya to become a spy master. He still doesn't understand anything regarding sealing work, even if Jiraiya had tried to teach him. He has tried learning Orochimaru's secrets, only to end up as one of their little experiments. He could have killed them fairly easily, but he had been way too curious to see where that path would take him

(It didn't end well and the only thing he gained from that loop was a bunch of new trauma and triggers)

He has been part of the Akatsuki a handful of times, when everything else had failed. He still has nightmares about helping them to forcibly pull the various Bijuus out of their Jinchuuriki, their lifeless body falling to the ground

(He has buried them every single time. Out of the nine Jinchuurikis, the majority of them are only children. Shisui might not have their blood literally staining his hands, but he has been a direct cause of their deaths multiple times. They feel like boulders on his shoulders. He has buried them to try and put their spirits to rest, but he's not sure it ever worked. They still haunt him to this day, even if they're alive once again with each reset)

Shisui's not proud of the amount of times he has forcibly reset everything, taking his own life whenever someone he loves lost theirs. He usually breaks after Itachi's death. Sometimes after Team 7's death. Once after Madara had been able to ensnare the world into the Infinite Tsukuyomi, and because of Shisui having helped the Akatsuki Naruto hadn't been around to be the other half Sasuke had needed to free everyone

(He has also been caught in the Infinite Tsukuyomi a bunch of times, but he hates thinking about it. About his life as it should have been. Everyone happy and alive, no stupid time loops or coups or wars or lies. Being able to die without waking up again. His body, trapped in the cocoon of the God Tree, had eventually died on its own. Shisui had spent the day crying when he had woken up in his room)

He has tried helping his clan going through with the coup. He has tried helping the village defend itself against the Uchiha's coup. He has killed children, civilians, people who couldn't protect themselves anymore countless times. From the village, from the clan, from both. He has wiped out his own clan, alone or with someone else's help. He has abandoned the village and let things play out on their own

He has never grown old enough to reach forty. The longest loop has been his Hokage one, and only because he had had guards rendered forcibly loyal to him through his Mangekyō, and they had worked hard to keep him alive even if it meant their own deaths. Shisui's not completely sure he remembers correctly, but he thinks that time he died shortly after his thirty-fourth birthday

He thinks this might be the work of a Deity. It must be. Why else would this happen? Who would have such power to trap him in this endless nightmare? He must have angered the Gods somehow, but he doesn't know what to do to make them stop. He has knelt in front of every single one of the clan's Deities altars until his knees were bruised, prayed until his voice was hoarse and begged until his words barely had a meaning anymore, but nothing has worked

Maybe he should become a God himself. He has never tried it, but while his body might be young his mind is so so old and he's so tired. He just wants to close his eyes and never open them again, growing mentally old with each reset and making every new loop a bit more difficult than the previous one

He doesn't even have hope anymore that he'll be able to escape this Nightmare