#after awhile of people struggling to understand your accent you lose desire to speak

[elyonbeats]

Just Like a Dream

Based on a true story* It’s a story that explains what’s been happening in my life recently and the special burden which I am voluntarily carrying. 

           The hot summer breeze was lingering in my hands. My mind was bombarded with symphony of bird's chirpings and California's unforgiving heat in May. I was sitting by the cafeteria, tuning my guitar, preparing for my upcoming performance, which was going to happen in about an hour. My friend, Choong Man, who goes by "DK," was sitting next to me, going over his rap verses for the upcoming said performance. "Are you ready, bro?" I asked DK as I was finishing up tuning the last string of my guitar. "Yeah bro, it's going to be so sick!" DK replied with his never ceasing, consistent, high energy. DK is a rapper and I am a singer. We are two Christian musicians who gets invited by church retreats / camps to do shows and guest speak during summer breaks. This time, we were invited to an "Awake Conference," which was a huge revival camp for Mongolian Christians from all over America. It was one of the biggest show we had the opportunity to perform in. Naturally, I was nervous, but DK always had this "cool" look on his face, not showing a single ounce of nervousness –– perhaps I thought this because he always wore a pair of dark shades, hiding his eyes from the outsiders.

           It was 30 minutes before the show. DK finished up his tea and I wore my guitar strap around my neck. We entered the big conference room where everyone was waiting for us. We got up on the stage, embracing the overwhelming volume of the crowd cheering. DK and I stood under the stage light, positioned ourselves in front of our microphones, and started our performance. The show was incredible, people were dancing, jumping, and singing along to the choruses. After the show, we all went to the cafeteria to get some snacks and talk to people. I was fairly tired from all the adrenaline crumbling down at the speed of light. I was playing my guitar among the crowd of people, when suddenly, a mysterious girl approached me with a sweet gentle voice. "Hello, Jung" she spoke with a bright smile. "You were really awesome and I was wondering if you were interested in collaborating with me sometime." She possessed such captivating radiance, the type that provided stronger kick than quadruple espresso shots, stronger kick than all the whiskeys in the world combined into a single shot glass –– neat –– making one question the credibility of the drink's title: water of life. I never had a girl approach me asking if I wanted to collaborate on a song with her before.            "Collaboration? How do you mean?" I asked with utmost interest.            "I play the piano, maybe you can sing and I can play the piano?"            "That sounds awesome! It'd be my pleasure, my lady." I answered with an English accent, presenting my silly side and to help rid the tension in our conversation. "The pleasure's mine, my good sir" she replied with an innocent laugh. This was the beginning of our friendship.  

           Despite how well we got along at the conference, there was a barrier when it came to us becoming close friends. Her and her family lived in Denver, Colorado –– whereas I lived in Sacramento, California. The more I talked to her, the more I began to develop feelings for her. I figured, this was just a "phase" I was going through and it's nothing I should analyze or invest too much thoughts in. The more affections my heart developed, the more I rebuked it, telling it that it cannot work and I am just setting myself up for a heartbreak. She was 19 years old, an age of "confusion" as I always called it. I believed 18 and 19 were these "transitional period" where we would slowly surrender our identities as 'teenagers' and slowly (and often times, awkwardly) transition into a young adulthood. One night, I found it extremely difficult to keep my affections for her suppressed. Confessing your affections to someone you like is not an easy thing to do –– especially if that person means so much to you. The fear of causing detriment to our friendship, fear of creating awkwardness between us, the fear of not being able to "undo" any actions, were terrifying me and has been inspiring me to suppress my feelings for awhile. However, no matter how great my desires of killing these feelings for her were, eventually, I got to a point where I could no longer keep it inside. I called her on her phone and we proceeded to have our usual "evening call" sessions. We talked for about an hour when I told her "hey, I have something I need to tell you..." Not knowing anything, she asked me to reveal what was on my mind. I couldn't think clearly anymore. Even though she wasn't the first person who I've ever developed feelings for, and even though this wasn't the first time I've ever confessed my romantic feelings to someone, my heart was racing and my hand was struggling to hold my phone still.            "I really like you... I've been suppressing these feelings for you for awhile now, but it's killing me inside and I can't take it anymore."            "..."                                         ...What have I done?                        "I am sorry to bring this up randomly, but you mean so much to me and I want to get to know you better..."            "..." Still no response.            "If you think this is not right, then I'll understand. I'll be fine, but please, I pray that my confession will not cause any awkwardness between us."            "I like you too, Jung. I've been feeling the same way about you" she spoke after a short brief silence. This was the beginning of one of the happiest time of my life, and at the same time, the beginning of one of the toughest time of my life –– of course, I was unaware of this at the time.

           How can you explain to someone what "liking someone" is like? When someone asks you "how do I know if I like you?" how can you answer that question? It's been about 4 months since we've revealed to each other about our feelings. We started talking more freely, more frequently, more personally, and more intimately. I was even able to save up to go visit her in Colorado in November. We both spent an incredible time together while I was there. Holding hands, sharing food, cracking jokes, teasing one another, singing along obnoxiously to whatever songs that was playing on the radio –– I thought everything was going well. On my last night there, I took her to "Red Rocks Amphitheater" which was about 40 minutes drive from Denver. It was a huge amphitheater, built on top of a hill, overlooking the cities of Colorado. We sat on one of the steps and opened up our hearts and minds; we breathed in hope and spoke out sincerity. Time was acting like an escaped convict, running away from me so desperately, without even giving me a chance to try and catch it. The chandelier of stars were silently blessing us with its light, providing us with infinite topics and memories to talk about. We were just two people falling in love with one another. We gazed upon the millions of scattered city lights, and after a brief silence, I opened my mouth to speak.            "Hmm... Those city lights remind me of this one story."            "What story?" She asked with a curious tone.            "Legend says the stars in the night sky were created when the goddess of beauty, Aphrodite, accidently spilled her bag of jewels on her way to mount Olympus."            "Her jewels?" She asked, but wasn't really a question, but more of a little "check point" for me to see that she was listening.            "Yeah... But I feel like the city lights look more like the bag of jewels than the stars... See? The red lights are the rubies, blue ones are the sapphires, the green ones are emeralds and gold lights are the gold." I'll be honest, I sounded like a sophisticated, poetic, badass when I said those words.            "Hmm... Aphrodite's jewels... I like that!" She exclaimed with a bright smile. We continued to talk the night away and decided to leave when the time has successfully escaped from our hands. While I was driving to drop her off at home, I asked her if she would be my special "companion." For some reason, the word "companion" sounded less corny than "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." The drop of that question summoned ripples of thoughts in her mind, which led to creating an awkward silence in the car ride. After about 3 minutes of silence (which felt like an eternity), she answered "I would really like to, but can you give me some time to think about it?" I replied "of course" and we decided to put that topic behind us.

           Soon, the month of December came and created silence in our lives. She was uncertain about her feelings toward me, mainly because she didn't know what it was like to be in a relationship or to develop feelings for someone. We decided that we should take some time away from one another, for it could help her (and myself) think more clearly and not make any decisions impulsively, regarding us becoming a couple. We decided to take this "month of silence" to think, pray, and reflect on our hearts for each other. I suggested that we should keep a journal, writing down our thoughts and what we wish to tell each other, daily, and at the end of the month we can exchange our journals and see what our month was like. She agreed to this idea and we started our "month of silence." Cutting off communication wasn't too difficult, because we both had a lot of things that kept us occupied –– such as preparing for the finals, working, church ministries, family time, etc.

           January came and we broke the silence when we talked on the phone. I was so overjoyed when I heard her voice after a month of not talking. We took some time to catch up and exchanged our addresses so we could mail out our journals to each other. I thought everything was going great –– until about an hour into the conversation, she broke my smile when she said "I am so sorry, Jung... but I don't think I am ready for a relationship." I felt like the world was turning upside down and I was quickly losing my balance to stay standing. My mind was trying its best to process the words she was telling me. She continued, "I invested a lot of thoughts into this, I thought about it from so many different angles, but in the end, I am just not mature enough for a relationship... I don't think I even understand the concept of liking or loving someone. How can I commit to a relationship when I can't even understand my own heart for you?" Her painfully gripping words –– accompanied by her soft-melodic voice, were choking my throat, preventing me from speaking any single word. "I am so sorry, I hope my journal will explain everything to you, clearly. I tried, I really did, but I think this is for the best. I will forever cherish the memories we've made together..." I suppose she was choking up as much as I was. Those were her final words and our phone call abruptly ended.

           It was tough, bearing this excruciating pain, bringing myself into chronic depression and state of denial. My heart was heavy and my soul was dragging, but finally, I was alone –– there was nothing I could do but let her go. If she said she's not ready, can I be arrogant enough to try and do the time's work? There was nothing I could do, for she had made up her mind and was already walking away from me. From us.

           Her journal arrived in my mailbox later that week and I was having a hard time getting past first few pages. It was difficult, mainly because the first few pages started out very hopeful, but I already knew how this book was going to end. The more pages I turned, the more I began to feel broken, and finally I got to her entry for "Day 28." The entry read

           I don't think I will be able to be in a relationship with you, Jung. I sound cruel, I sound harsh; I sound like some playgirl who mercilessly end things like this. Yes, while I know me saying stuff like this won't make you feel any better, but I think this is the best for us. At one point, I got so emotional I thought maybe I should just say "yes." But no matter how much I think about it, I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't think I would be ready anytime soon. So instead of waiting for me or pursuing me, I think it's best if you moved on and meet a much better, more cooler, more spiritual, more beautiful girl. I don't think I'm right for you, Jung. I thank you so much for everything you've done for me and I absolutely know I don't deserve any of it. Thank you for making my life exciting but I think this is where we should end. It's hard for me to be blunt like this but I'm trying to be as honest as I can be and I hope you don't get too heartbroken when you read this. Don't cry too. Don't cry for someone like me. I still wish we can talk and keep in touch but it will hurt if we talk as if nothing had happened. Because we know what happened. I don't want you to get hurt by me or continue to suffer, so it's best for you to not wait for me. Everything you've done means so much to me. I was never 'fake' or took them lightly. Every minute was cherishing. I feel so guilty for putting you into this mess. I'm so so sorry, Jung.

           Ladies and gentlemen, I cried that day. This was more than just a 'break up,' I lost someone who I considered so dear and close to me. I lost a piece of my heart. I lost the ability to be carefree and joyful. I lost my bag of jewels. They say, "Time heals all pain" and I am in the process of being healed. It's funny, past couple of months have been a crazy experience for me. I've reached one of the highest point in my life and also reached one of the lowest. Looking back, it all started with a couple of songs I sang at the conference. Now, I sing a different song –– a song of healing, a song of hope, a song of longing. You see, I've decided to wait for her. Yes, I am aware this may sound foolish, especially given that none of us know what to expect in the future with certainty. Friends, families, and other various people within my circle have given me the cliché "there are plenty of fishes in the sea" speech; but I find it a bit ludicrous for them to say that without knowing anything about this special girl of mine –– No? Well, I've decided, even if this decision I've made is wrong, even if her and I don't work out in the end, as long as there's 1% chance of possibility, I've decided that she's worth it. She doesn't know that I've decided to wait for her, and frankly, we haven't been talking for over a month now. We both need some time to heal and settle before we can even think about starting a new relationship, or better yet, amend this broken relationship.