#admittedly it was *exactly* the rejection sensitivity that got to me so internalizing it is hard but v important

[lavenoon]

Here's a little lad on a lily pad! And a hope that you take all the time you need to feel better. I hope you remember that you are cherished and loved and that we are all rooting for you, babe. ❤️ Please be gentle with yourself.

Aahh Naff 🥺💜 Taking a comically large squeaky hammer to get the sentiment to stick 💜 And I do love the little lily lad, what a good lily lad!

After lunch and a hefty nap the bad bees have quietened significantly, fortunately. I'm gonna take the evening slow however n just write a little for just myself for the indulgence n see how tomorrow treats me!

[nobloodneeded]

On the previous subject of knowing who I am and what I want...

I know from here out I’m going to be ethically non-monogamous. I tried monogamy and it’s not for me. I knew it wasn’t, but I thought I would grow into it if I just squished myself in that box hard enough. I’m too communal and compartmental to be with ONE person and ONE person only. Being monogamous, I made sure to be exceptionally loyal and respectful of boundaries to my own detriment. When I was in a relationship, I distanced myself from my friends physically because I didn’t want the lines of intimacy (platonic, as it was even) to be blurred for my romantic partner’s comfort. But, I love being cuddly and snuggly and lovey with my friends. So even if I end up just having a singular partner in the future, I still need them to accept that I will be platonically intimate with my friends or other people. 

I know from here out I’m going to primarily date a-spec people. For years, I have said that I hate how kissing and cuddling (especially with cis men) a l w a y s led to sex. I would love to just kiss and cuddle with no PRESSURE for sex. Every single time it led to sex I would submit because 1) it was easier than saying no (which, gross in hindsight and is definitely a trauma I am healing from), 2) it was to please my partner, which I absolutely loved doing for their sake when I was bonded with them, and 3) just to get it done and get back to the part I actually liked which was the platonic/sensual intimacy.

Hell, over 90% of my sexual fantasies my whole life went like: kissing, caressing, foreplay and right as the sex was about to happen, the person in my fantasy would say “Hey. Can we just cuddle instead?” and dream-me would go “Heck yeah!” (which, god the fact that I didn’t realize I was demi sooner is laughable and very in line with how stupid I’ve been about my identities my entire life). 2% of the time I would have sexual fantasies involving me to completion and the remaining 8% of the time the sexual fantasies were of two fictional characters and I wasn’t even involved lmao. I straight up care more about my fictional otps banging than I ever have me. 

Because of how much sex is glorified and emphasized in this country growing up, and how intrinsically linked to romance it was, I assumed I wanted it more than I did. But sex, I realize, is almost a non-point for me in terms of a romantic partner. I do still feel sexual desires, but it’s usually aimless with no target unless i have that emotional bond with someone. Even then, my libido is like a sleeper agent and strikes randomly and infrequently and hell, I've always preferred to take care of it myself. Almost every sexual encounter I’ve had, 80% of the time I could not have cared less about having sex and I always told them, “Hey! Seriously, don’t worry about making me cum, I just want you to feel good! Getting you off gets me off!” I meant it, too. When I was bonded with a person, it thrilled me to get them off. Seeing the rapture on their face stroked my ego and made me feel accomplished and good to have made them feel so good. Taking that apart, though, made me realize that it wasn’t the sex that I cared about - that was just the means to a happy end - it was their happiness.

I was talking to my friend Rody last night at length about it and she mentioned an ace friend of hers who said that sex for her was like an amusement park. Do you want to go on a rollercoaster every day? No. But if you were offered to go one weekend, you probably would and there might even be a ride you really enjoyed going on to even do it again. 

That is exactly how I feel. In fact, for years, I’ve said sex is like having my back scratched. If offered, sure, I’ll take you up on it even if you’re not getting the right spot, it’s just kind of nice to be touched. Some people do it alright, but some people have the perfect nails that make me melt and wish it never stopped. Overall, I can take it or leave it, though. 

Bearing that in mind - and having dated very sexually active people - I know from here out I’ll feel more comfortable with fellow aspec people because of an inherent understanding and lack of sexual pressure.

I know from here out I won’t be dating cis men anymore, that’s for almost 99.9% certainty. Admittedly, a lot of that is trauma based, but also I really don’t think like I said in the other post, that I was ever actually attracted to men. I think it was just gender envy. I do like dicks, but when I think about the man attached to them it’s just sort of...eh? 

I am h e l l a gay, though, and still very attracted to women. Aesthetically, romantically, sensually, even sexually at times. I very much want to hold, kiss, caress, cuddle, woo, write poetry for, dance, share special moments and looks with women. 

The one caveat with that is I’m too scared to ever shoot my shot with a woman. I’m a “shy/sensitive top” lmao. My friends have actually made fun of me for that very thing. One day we were deciding what to eat for dinner and we were all being indecisive. One of my friends called me out and said, “We’re a room full of bottoms and you’re the top, you pick!” I abstained from deciding to be polite and go for what they wanted, so I wanted to say in that moment, “Well I’m a pleasure top so it’s my job to make sure my bottoms are taken care of first” but thought it might be too inappropriate, accurate though it may be lmao.

That all being said, I won’t ever initiate any of those things I said I want to do unless I know for certain it’s wanted for two reasons. 1) I have an intense fear of rejection thanks to my dad. I outwardly handle rejection really well! I bounce back after a rejection as if it hadn’t happened in the first place with extreme ease and comfort. But internally, I’m basically quaking and bashing my head against the proverbial wall for fear of burdening the other person with my desires and making the situation weird. I feel this way about big things like relationships and little things like asking for water and I really hate that about me. 2) I have been put in uncomfortable situations due to sexual and romantic pressures that I would HATE to inadvertently put someone else in too. I know that in knowing I would never do that and being able to look for and read those cues I probably wouldn’t, but what if I missed them and it happened accidentally? I would never forgive myself.

SO I would rather miss opportunities than shoot my shot. The perk of being demi is straddling that line of allo and asexuality, I suppose. I’m good with sexual experiences, I’m good without them. I really miss romance and platonic, even sensual, intimacy, but not enough to do anything about it on my own. Not shooting my shot will give me plenty of time to heal and grow and spend more time connecting even more with my friends. Which I am more than ok with lol. 

Understanding who I am officially and all that I want is such an immense comfort. From here out I can just...exist in peace and comfort and I’m really happy for myself about that. I no longer have to force myself into a box based on societal preconceptions and what I think I should want. I can just want what I want and be content with what I’ve got.