#administrator Gwyn wants me in the queue

[not-poignant]

Hi,

I'm not sure how to approach this without sounding like an ignorant asshole, but I'll give it a go.

I'm from a country where the Trans movement isn’t very visible, and most of what I know about it comes from the internet. I’ve never truly understood gender dysphoria. I’ve tried to listen and put myself in others' shoes, but I struggled to be genuinely empathetic. Instead, I just tried to be supportive because it was expected of me, without really getting it.

It might sound silly, but reading Underline the Black made me stop and think… Wait, is this what I think it is? Reading Efnisien’s internal monologues and introspection made me feel something—maybe not from the same circumstances, but in a way that something inside my brain clicked, and I finally saw where the pain was coming from.

I guess what I really want to say is thank you. Thank you for helping me begin to understand and for broadening my perspective. It might sound small, but it’s something I deeply appreciate. I’ve been trying for a long time.

I do feel a bit foolish realizing that it took an ABO fanfic for me to get it… but at the same time, I was also reading about your real-life experiences. Or at least, that’s how it seemed to me. Forgive me if I’m wrong.

You have an incredible talent for expression.

Anon, until you know otherwise, everyone has to start somewhere. This applies to unlearning our biases and prejudices, which we all have for something, or many things, until we unlearn them. The fact that you've even tried to be supportive of something you don't really understand is still important, and still matters. It's a step into understanding, even if you don't have it yet.

I don't think it's foolish that it took you a story to realise what you've realised! This is actually exactly why representation of diversity (in gender, sexuality, culture, race, etc.) is so important in fiction. Because it's in fiction we can be free to explore concepts that are different to our own, or that challenge us, or make us see the world differently. This is why it's so important to know it's possible to identify with a trans character, or a POC character, or a character from a different culture to ours etc. Because that's when we humanise what we previously saw as like, different, Other, hard to understand. We go 'oh that's...really relatable actually, I think I'd feel the same way if that was my experience of life' or 'I don't know if I'd feel the same way but I really understand where that person is coming from.'

Gender dysphoria is complex, and different for different people. Being able to write it metaphorically through Efnisien's journey has been really interesting for me personally, because I've been able to depict both the inner conflict of knowing that your being is not...automatically going to be accepted as normal no matter what, unless you stifle or suffocate yourself, alongside the true euphoria and joy that can come with living as your best life, or your very self.

I have once seen a good analogy which is simply: Imagine from tomorrow onwards, everyone uses the pronouns you don't associate with yourself. You are bullied and mocked unless you wear clothing that is opposite to how you want to appear to others. You are put down and treated as psychologically abnormal for finding joy in true expression, even when that expression doesn't actually hurt anyone else at all. And now tell yourself that even your loved ones, when you desperately try to explain how wrong it all feels to be treated as so different to your true self, they explain that it's just mental illness, or that you're just confused, or that you don't understand yourself, and condescend to you, and treat you like they somehow have always known you better than you know yourself. And that's when you realise you might have to choose between your true self, and your family and loved ones who don't understand, or worse, hate you.

And then imagine that's the rest of your life, but it could change in an instant, if all of society just accepted that you are who you say you are! That all of your depression, and oppression, and suffocation could literally just vanish, if everyone was like 'oh sure actually, you want those pronouns? Cool! You want to wear this clothing? I like it!!'

And that journey is very tough in the real world, even in more accepting places (the US is clear evidence of this). In Underline the Black, I get to put Efnisien in a very specific space, and show the journey in a kind of specific way that isolates it and speaks through metaphor.

My experiences are different to Efnisien's, though I am trans, I never actually started out wanting to write a 1:1 trans narrative. Like, in this universe, "conventionally" trans people exist too. Efnisien's experience is a new thing, and a separate thing, but still - as we can see - a very good metaphor as well. I like telling parts of my story, but only small parts. I am more interested in...telling healing stories where I can watch a character heal and go 'oh I would like more of that for myself, as well.'

(Also, it's better to just say omegaverse, or AOB, etc. because a/b/o without the dashes is a slur in Australia, and while I know most people don't live here! We try to avoid slurs from other countries when we can. And we can only know to do that once someone tells us!)

But yeah, no, you don't sound like an ignorant asshole at all. You sound like someone who has learned something, and has gained more understanding, and was open to doing that, and honestly anon if more people came to something they didn't understand from your perspective, acceptance and love would be a lot easier to teach people.

It's so important to read stories about characters who aren't quite like us, or aren't like us at all, because that's when we realise just how much we actually do share so many similarities, and why our differences matter too.

Anyway thank you for sharing your message with me! I really appreciated it.

[not-poignant]

Have you been surprised by the popularity of any of your characters? Characters you weren’t sure would catch on but became loved?

Anon, I've been surprised by the popularity of nearly all of my characters.

Augus and Gwyn started out as side "throwaway" OCs in a fanfic because I needed an Unseelie and Seelie representative.

And like, *gestures to all of Fae Tales* - That wasn't a plan! That wasn't meant to be a thing!!

And then, Ash was meant to be a throwaway foil to his brother and *gestures wildly at Ash*

And then like, Efnisien literally gets killed before we even meet him in Game Theory and *gestures to all of everything re: Falling Falling Stars and Underline the Rainbow*

And then also Dr Gary wasn't even supposed to have proper chapters in Falling Falling Stars and *gestures so wildly at that story and Underline and then screeches like a dinosaur*

Seriously none of my original writing on AO3 would exist if it wasn't for two throwaway OCs in a fanfic gaining popularity and getting so many questions about them from the most wonderful anons and readers that eventually I had to take them more seriously to the point that I finally had enough to write a story.

And even THEN it was only supposed to be 3 chapters of hatefucking.

My original writing career can be defined by just saying 'OH OOPS' in more extreme ways each time.

It's gotten to the point where I'm truly tempted to introduce characters from new worlds upcoming as side characters in current worlds lmao, because I feel this is a bizarre skill I have and didn't know I had until one day I was like 'wait.'

[not-poignant]

Will there be a third book in Perth Shifters? I loved Braden’s and Aodhen’s stories.

Of all the kind of commercial-facing writing projects I've done, Perth Shifters did the worst, which is a shame, because Perth Shifters was meant to be the big money-spinner, which is why I broke with so many ways I prefer to write (more angst, longer stories, more character studies, etc.) to fit in with more conventional formulas to do so.

I enjoyed the experience very much! And I love the characters! If I ever tackle Hunter's book, it will probably be in serial format and a much longer story. I have learned that actually sticking to what I do best makes more sense in terms of both joy for the thing, and also income.

Perth Shifters was my first foray into hybrid publishing and it taught me an extremely valuable lesson. When I go back into hybrid publishing again, it will be with things I have already made work for me as serials, so whether they perform well as published novels or not just won't matter as much (and will be a bonus, so not as much is resting on its shoulders lol).

But for that reason, I can't justify putting the time aside to write a third Perth Shifters book. Still haven't ruled out revisiting the world one day though!

[not-poignant]

I was wondering, what does Anton think about efnisien and flitmouse sharing a nest what with ef being an alpha and feeling like one the majority of the time? does he mind?

Hi anon,

I think Anton struggles with it the same way most alphas do, the same way Gary does when he knows that Efnisien seeing Anton or Temsen is good for Efnisien, and needs to happen, but also kind of chafes or feels physically uncomfortable at the same time.

Anton is relatively low on the possessiveness scale, so he can handle it better than some, but he still definitely feels it, and I'd say he like, aggressively scents Flitmouse afterwards, and makes sure Flitmouse knows he belongs to Anton.

It's one of those 'I recognise this is good for my partner and I want the best for him, however my instincts really aren't having a good time with this, but I'm a grown-ass adult so I can manage it in a mature way.' And that's basically what he does!

[not-poignant]

14 and 24 for the OC asks, FFS Efnisien?

14. How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

I think Falling Falling Stars Efnisien honestly didn't want to be perceived at all, by most other characters.

But in the case of those closest to him, he most wants to be seen as safe and trustworthy, even though he thinks no one should see him that way.

And in the case of Dr Gary, he wants Dr Gary to be proud of him.

Whenever someone trusts Efnisien, he views it as such a gift, and he's very much like 'are you sure? I don't know if you should.' But that's what he wants most, to be perceived as someone who is safe, and to be worthy of that. T.T

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

I 100% believe that Efnisien would have killed himself in many alternative scenarios re: not going to Hillview, or not sticking out therapy with Dr Gary.

He got so close anyway, and he always expected that to be the way he died.

I really think every single one of Efnisien's alternative life paths are tragic. Much like in Game Theory, he just...dies. Whether it's by his own hand, or someone else's, up until this story, Efnisien was killed off in just about every story he was in. Even in The Wildness Within, where it's more tragic, it still just...happens.

Falling Falling Stars was his chance to live. We can see and imagine alternative scenarios sadly because of all the other stories he's been in before that!

~

From the edgy OC meme!

[not-poignant]

I just really wanted to say, while I’m in my emotions, that you are one of my favorite writers beyond all others and you have been for 12 years now. I discovered you with the Shadows and Light series and just… continued reading your work ever since. Your work has brought me great comfort in my darkest hours, in my traumas, and I site it as something very dear and important to me. I’ve recently introduced my partner to your work, and I find that wild because like.. I went from being an incredibly stuck and traumatized, lonely individual when I first stumbled upon your work to having my own living space with a fiancée and I’m receiving actual help for my cPTSD.

And your work just.. sort of.. gave me comfort along the entire way.

You continue to inspire me.

Thank you for that.

Ahhh thank YOU <3333

Also I'm so proud/glad that you're receiving help for your C-PTSD. It's such a brutal disorder, and it's such a hard thing to shift honestly, getting care for it is itself an incredible act of bravery, I feel like everything in us can sometimes drive us away from even thinking we deserve it. So you're amazing, anon.

But also just dsalfkjsa thank you <333

[not-poignant]

I assume from the meme that you really like rereading things because you write things intending readers to read the same story again!

Correct!

I know not everyone will reread, even if they really like a story, because everyone reads differently.

But I write my stories specifically with rereading in mind, so that the second and third rereads actually feel more rich and revealing than the first.

This is a combination of unreliable narrators, reveals, things like... the pleasure and thrill of going back and seeing all the foreshadowing to a truth that gets revealed later, and knowing it's coming, or when you know someone's a traitor and see the signs, etc. This is particularly true of my long stories.

I love rereading a ton. My favourite stories get the rare honour of often being 'comfort rereads' for me, and I particularly enjoy stories then which offer foreshadowing, or little easter eggs, or little treats that are like 'oh my god this whole scene reads differently now that I know this character's motivations' etc. For example, Gary in Underline the Black reads very differently once you have context on his grief and his fears, vs. when he just read as a 'heartless asshole.' My plan is for that to feel more satisfying upon reread, like the reader gets to know a secret that no one else (including first readers) know.

If I can bring future levels of joy to readers, who come back to the same story, it's my favourite thing to do, because it's one of my favourite things to experience.

Same with rewatching movies and anime series etc. Like, rewatching Steven Universe when you know the context around Rose Quartz, Pearl's love for her, Garnet's journey etc. changes everything and makes the story so much richer.

If I can give even a little bit of this to folks who reread, I feel amazing.

~

From the Assumptions meme!

[not-poignant]

Hi!

Just wanted to thank you for sharing your work with everyone. UTB is my favorite piece of literature, and I’ve read a lot. A LOT. I’m a 33 year old ex-English major.

Can we look forward to any more major arcs in UTB? If so, can we maybe get a hint?

Life is hard, but your work really helps me cope. So, thank you, again. Best wishes!

Hi anon!

Oh my goodness, thank you so much!! I'm so glad you're enjoying the writing so far.

There are definitely some big / major arcs coming. We've got the Henton arc and the Crielle arc coming, I just had to move Gary and Efnisien's character growth and relationship growth into a position for both to take place.

I'm actually just about to write the chapter on my end where Crielle officially comes back into the story.

And tbh, the hints have been there! Henton's foreshadowing about him not really having good motivations (anyone who has read Falling Falling Stars will know more about that, but I also like that some folks won't, but he's still very 'off' as a character), as well as Efnisien's certainty that Crielle will eventually kill him.

So yeah I would say actually the most action-packed arcs are still coming!

[not-poignant]

Are there any fandoms you haven't written for yet but would like to in the future? Or future fanfic ideas/stories that have been on your mind that you want to do after you finish your other fanfics?

I love reading your replies 😊

There's...

There's so many, anon

You know how some people worry about running out of stories to write? Yeah, I'm out here begging my brain to shut the fuck up because I already have enough stories to write.

I don't have anything seriously on my mind. I have wanted to write for the Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji fandom, and the Bungou Stray Dogs fandom for a long time. I have another long Bull/Dorian/Cullen fic I want to write for Dragon Age but that might get superceded by the latest game coming out and new characters.

I also have quite a few original stories with completely original characters that I want to write.

And don't get me started on the amount of fandoms I want to write PWPs for because we'd be here all day. I've also written for additional fandoms and not ported my fics over from Livejournal and FF.net and other websites. So I'd say there's like another 10 fandoms I've written for where if you don't know my old usernames (no I'm not going to share them lmao), like...they're just floating out in the ether.

The ideas do not stop, and sometimes I am in bed like 'pls just...let me sleep' and they fall on me like when you open an overstuffed ADHDer's cupboard and everything falls on top of you at once sdalfkjdsa

[not-poignant]

Do you have a favorite character evolution or relationship evolution that you’ve written? Personally, the way Augus becomes soft for Mosk in The Ice Plague really tickles me.

Oh hmmm, this is such an awesome question! But also really hard to answer.

I think I have more than one. But the one that weirdly comes to mind is Sharpwood in The Golden Age that Never Was. I've been kind of obsessed with his character ever since and I feel like I'm 'saving' him for an original novel somewhere along the way. Something about him going from like, a cold, distant servant, to what he became, until finally at the end you realise you really want to get to know him better and it's too late... I don't know. I think often about writing a side story of his trauma recovery, but I don't have like...spare time to do it in. Alas.

In terms of the main characters, like the point-of-view characters, Gwyn's and Augus' journey was compelling enough that I followed them for nearly a decade in a single universe. And I feel like that's the most obvious answer because it's like 'well, I spent tens of thousands of hours on them because they were my favourite evolution / relationship evolution.'

In terms of less obvious characters... I actually really loved writing Mosk becoming protective of Gwyn in The Ice Plague and then becoming kind of like a mentor figure almost to him, despite his age and lack of experience.

I loved, loved, loved writing the slow tentative growth of connection between the prickly Gwyn ap Nudd and equally prickle Raven Prince in The Ice Plague as well.

Right now, I'm a big fan of Efnisien and Faber, and Efnisien and Flitmouse too. :D

[not-poignant]

I keep telling myself that Faber and Temsen have been looking into her on the down-low and that possible Angus may be able to do something about her and hoping that Gary is just scarier peak alpha than her when like pheromone vs pheromone he wins 😭😂 I know what I get into when I read your stuff, very angst and hurt/comfort but then once the hurt starts coming I’m like oh oops hold on wait 🤦‍♀️

Tbh same honestly.

Sometimes I am really looking forward to a run of chapters because I know how angsty it will be to write (and I do enjoy writing angst) and then I actually get there and I get a weird kind of nervousness/stage fright, because a lot of the emotions of the characters kind of pass through me as I write them, not always very intensely (but sometimes actually very intensely!!) and I know I'm in for like...an intense time.

From a writing perspective it's often fun, because I enter a flow state for arcs like this (I've written 3 chapters in 2 days which is fast for me right now, and something similar happened when I wrote the Forest arc for Falling Falling Stars). But I also get quite fatigued, and this afternoon/tonight I've been very 'no thoughts, head empty.'

I think some of it is the pressure of wanting to deliver on intense experiences and good pacing, while also making sure the writing is solid. Though editing can improve a lot of that too.

I honestly think Crielle is stronger than many of the peak alphas we've met so far. It's rare that she's bested by strength, the times she's been bested in stories before, it's almost always through surprise. (Augus killing her unexpectedly, Efnisien stealing a USB's worth of incriminating information etc.)

When she goes head-to-head with someone and she knows she's in for a battle of any kind, she wins.

But surprise? Well, a person can't live alert every day forever, that's not good for you, so... yeah. :D We'll see!

[not-poignant]

I feel like Temsen would be rather scary when he gets angry; even more so than Dr Gary.

Temsen has a body count from when he's gotten angry, for a start!And he's had the experience of being shot multiple times with a tranq gun to take him down, so he knows exactly what that feels like.

Honestly though, I think they're both pretty terrifying once they snap into a true rage state. Temsen has said before that he believes Gary would win in a fight between them, simply because Gary fights dirty, and I do think one of the reasons Temsen often gives Gary very strong 'submission' signals in difficult conversations is because he's actually very uncertain of who would win in a real altercation between them.

Like, Temsen is often making a strategic choice around Gary to not pull rank, and Gary almost never offers submission signals to Temsen.

Which means in the grand scheme of things, no matter what we believe, Temsen believes Gary would be more scary if he got angry, lol.

[not-poignant]

hi!! i really like your sebastian/alex story!!

i binge read it in one night.. i simply couldnt put it down! your writing flows really well and the way you charactize the cast (mainly sebastian) is so endearing! i’m super nervous as to how things will go.. the last couple of chapters have been very euphoric and i worry things will come crashing down 😭😭

I cant wait for more chapters to come and to keep up with the story ^.^

I'm so glad you're enjoying it! The next chapter goes up tomorrowwww :D

There will be crashes to come, I'm sure, but we're going into a bit of a pivot now. While Alex will still definitely have heavy things to deal with, we're coming into the 'Maru coming out to her dad, and Sebastian telling his family he's with Alex' arc, which takes a while to go through, and where Sebastian might need some support too.

Especially because Demetrius still likes Martingale WAY more than Alex x.x

At any rate, we have some crashes coming, but it's not going to be quite the same as before. Sebastian and Alex are communicating better, and while it's not enough and they still have a lot to learn, they are at least both trying, and that means it's time for there to be more external pressures on the relationship rather than internal ones, lol.

[not-poignant]

Hullo! Read the latest utb chap, lost my mind of course in a positive way, and the end note snippet then really surprised me!

I have a vague memory of you answering an ask once about wether or not ef would use his safeword whenever doing the do with gary, and that ultimately you had no plans for it, correct me if I'm misremembering o course

I'm curious! What led to you changing your mind? If there was any change that is,

Cheers, hope you feel better from the infection soonnn

I'm curious! What led to you changing your mind?

I just felt like it! I don't write with a chapter plan. I flow with what seems to work in the moment, and so when I got that ask in the past, at that point in Gary's and Efnisien's relationship, I didn't see Efnisien safewording.

But character's change. That's why I only ever treat responses to asks as hypotheticals. If it's not in the canon yet, it's not yet canon, basically!

(And thank you! Turns out it wasn't a kidney infection, which had my GP going 'what the hell' until she realised it was probably me passing a kidney stone)

[not-poignant]

I'm so not ready for constellations to end but everytime we get kadek/ef crumbs I claw at the bars of my enclosure alkvkfkak I'm glad there's a treat to look foward to after constellations is done, I'm not ready to say goodbye to ffs efnisien yet 😭😭😭

Constellations has enough material to run for several months on Patreon/Ream and another couple of months for the AO3 crowd yet, so we're okay! Folks will have a while to settle in and say farewell to our two reconciling cousins.

But it does give me time to start working on the sequel, after a few months of not immediately adding another story back onto my slate!

And I'm so excited for Kadek and Efnisien, I think they grew to develop an extremely special bond, and I'm glad they live in an era where non-monogamy gets to exist, and their love can grow and it doesn't hurt Arden and Efnisien's relationship at all, and if anything, just makes it stronger to have more support in the system. :D

[not-poignant]

I finally checked out your playlists on Spotify for all of your works and ohhhhh my god when I saw brothers on a hotel bed in the Stain playlist I had to lay facedown about it for like a good ten minutes. It’s perfect. It’s terrible. I am picking Alex up and shaking him like a dog toy. I haven’t thought about that song in YEARS and it immediately hit me like a freight train. GOD that boy is so sad I can’t wait for him to be even marginally less tortured and depressed.

Anyway I love your playlists and I love your writing, thank you for all of it 💕💕💕💕

Yessssss, omg this makes me so happy, anon.

I often put on the playlists when I write each chapter for a story, and in many cases will pick a song or sequence of songs that fits, and actually Brothers on a Hotel Bed fits so much one of the chapters that's coming up. Even if they're not on a bed at the time, lol.

Sometimes we just gotta hear a song that's a total blast from the past and then sit in feels for a while, and that song is definitely one of those songs!!

(I'm so glad you enjoy the playlists though, seriously, I love making them for folks. For anyone curious, my playlists are here!)