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nonclassyparty · 2 years ago

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Starring Role - ACT XI (C.S; S.MG)

title; you know i’d rather walk alone than play a supporting role, if i can’t get the starring role

summary:

We’ve all read about the infamous player who falls in love with the good girl that manages to make him change his ways…but what happens to the other girl? The pretty, popular one that has warmed his bed before the good girl came along and took him away.

Well, no one cares about her. After all, she’s just a side character.

It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart.

pairing: choi san x reader, song mingi x reader

warnings: angst! errrr idk what else, cursing??? drinking???

wc: almost 22k

taglist: @joonsthethicc @marievllr-abg @cookiechristie @purenjuniverse @hwamourr @littleparkseonghwa @hwasong @hwadump @hongshines @kitty4hwa @knisterlicht @flamingi @revehosh @gayliljoong @naiify @btshook @atzcoke @circusjanreblogs @baguette-atiny @kpopnightingale @raineadlr @ilikepalta @m4rsluv @smimingi @bubbleteakittyy @mingkiyoo @theactresstarringinurbadreams @mangishii @cryingaboutskz @pr1ncessm1ng1 @layzfeelit @khjssss @rdiamond2727 @adajoemaya @outrologist @smuchsmut @flaminghotcheetoos @dogsongy @seesaw-jk @seojonneh @hyukssunflower @haatohwa @wonwowzers @downbadreading @moonchele @leeknowsnothing @noone356097 @raspberryhong @xciiiomwliah @belle643 @doom-fics @cutesince2000 @ad0rechuu @miriamxsworld @plants-w0rld @lilactangerine @maru-matt @ateezourstars

buy me a coffee!

act x / masterlist /

a/n: well....here it is guys, this is the last chapter i never thought we’d make it here but look at us now..who would’ve thought!!!! but on a serious note, i want to thank everyone who stuck by my side while writing this and giving amazing feedback and contributing to the fun discussions we’ve been having, i had a blast! <3 i started this story a little less than a year ago and i wanted to write it for the longest time, so thank you truly and from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this ride!

“To by held above the earth and be brushed by the wind," she said, "it's like your heart has been kissed by beauty.” ― Wendelin Van Draanen, Flipped

It's hard not to stare.

The conversation that goes around the table during the appetizers is vapid, the two businessmen are taking subtle jabs at each other's expenses, their bored wives are not so subtly ogling the two waiters that are assigned to your table and the younger men sitting at your table (him included). Shallow conversations served with the only purpose of showing off who has more of what and so on and so on.

Two years ago, this was your territory. The exaggerated delight when speaking about vacations you've been to, talking up your family like you don't all hate each other one way or another and pretending you actually enjoy the presence of your company. Now, you feel awfully out of place.

The times when you were at the top of the food chain are long gone because at this table right here; you are the lowest rank. The weakest player. The artist invited for their amusement because they don't take you seriously, not really. The jester.

You learn pretty quickly into the night that you were never brought here from your boss' good grace to help you sell your art, it's for her to be able to show off the new addition to her company even if it is temporary (after this, you know it will be). Look at this new shiny, pretty little thing I have everyone. Isn't she just the cutest?

That's why it's hard not to stare.

Choi San sits opposite of you, just a couple of seats down and looks like he's completely in his element and it's mindboggling because you don't think you've ever seen him like this.

You always found him charming, good looks paired with pretty words and a smooth voice but here...it's a completely different game. The other two younger guys whose names you didn't bother to remember, seem to wait for his every word with a bated breath, the men laugh at his jokes and the women swoon at the charming grin. He is charismatic and everybody seems to be under his spell. Even you find yourself pressing your lips together to stop from smiling at an occasional quip that comes from him.

It's infuriating.

You're the outsider despite growing up in these people's circles and running around fancy restaurants since you were a toddler but Choi San...well, he fit right in.

You don't miss the way he smiles that godforsaken smile at the wife of one of the younger businessmen here. She's gorgeous and on the younger side which isn't surprising since her husband seems barely forty. She seems to be in her mid-30s though and tries to hide her flustered smile by taking a sip of the red wine in front of her.

A breathless chuckle escapes you as your eyes fall from the obvious (and fucking shameless) flirting done by both of them all while her husband is sitting right next to her but is too busy to notice because he's currently in a dick measuring contest with the others.

All that time that San spent making jabs at your wealth and the rich people you were surrounded with, only for him to land in the middle of that same table that he judged you for not even two years later.

A fucking comedy is what this is.

"I need some fresh air." You mumble to particularly no-one but one of the younger guys that seem to have come here with San and has also been laying it on pretty thick to you the entire night, is the only one to notice. When he offers to go with you, you're quick to decline.

The terrace of the restaurant is gorgeous and you feel yourself sigh once you're presented with the wide view of the city in front of you and the cool evening air enveloping you. You figure you still have some time before the main course and it's almost tempting to just spend it all here.

Your heart can't stop rattling in your chest despite it being almost an hour and a half since the short introduction between you and San and you grip the banister tightly with your hands as you try to keep your thoughts in check.

It's not even a big deal that he's here. The introduction was the only exchange between the two of you and so far, the night has been going well. It will be a bust business wise but at least you will get a free fancy meal out of it.

And San...he was acting normal. Whatever the new normal was for him. So yeah, it's not even a big deal that he's here.

"So we have to introduce ourselves to each other now?" A voice quietly says and you freeze at the sound of footsteps until he's standing by your side and his elbow is brushing yours. "Is that what we are now, Y/N? Strangers?"

He's here. And it's a big fucking deal.

You're gripping the banister so tightly that your knuckles turn white but with the utmost grace, you utter; "I don't see what else we could be."

"That's..." He starts before giving you a nod, "Fair."

He pulls something from the pocket of his slacks and you don't give into the curiosity to check what it is until he leans over to you.

An opened pack of cigarettes is presented to you and you glance at it for a second in contemplation before sighing and reluctantly pulling one out before placing it between your lips. After the night you've had, might as well.

He's quick to offer you a light and you take a drag in and exhale as you turn to mirror his position so your back is leaning on the banister and you're observing the people inside the restaurant rather the view.

San takes a cigarette out for himself, lighting it up in similar fashion as he did for you and takes a drag, exhaling with a soft sigh.

"How have you been?"

You scoff out a short, barely there laugh, "What do you want?"

San's head turns to observe you and you will yourself to just keep staring forward.

"Nothing." He responds quietly and you roll your eyes. "I don't want anything. I'm just...just trying to make conversation."

A silence engulfs you as you both take a couple of drags from the cigarettes and watch it get turned into ashes. You watch your figures in the glass in front of you and can notice him glancing at you one too many times.

"Listen, I'm-"

"I don't want your sorry's." You're quick to interrupt him but he's quick to reply back.

"I wasn't gonna say I'm sorry." Your head whips to him for the first time, brows furrowed in insult. He sighs, eyes falling shut for a moment before the flutter open again and meet yours, "Well, okay, you got me there. There is something I was going to say I'm sorry for."

Your frown doesn't move but you don't say anything otherwise so he takes it as a chance to continue. "You told me something in confidence and I-..."

"San." You warn him and uttering his name out loud causes a shiver to run up your spine.

"No. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I'm an idiot that let my frustrations get the best of me. And I'm sorry, Y/N, it was a shitty thing to do and you didn't deserve that." He takes a deep breath, "I never promised you much, we both knew what it was between us from the start but I did promise to keep your secrets safe and I failed at that. I know an apology might not mean shit now and I'm not saying it because I expect forgiveness but because you deserve an apology. I'm really sorry."

You stare up at him, chest heaving up and down as you watch him. He's right, you're not going to forgive him...so what now? What do you do and what do you say?

"Kind of weird to apologize here of all places." You comment stoically.

"Don't know when I'll ever see you again." San says back in almost a whisper.

Almost angrily, at yourself and at him, you take another drag from the cigarette before your eyes fall back on your table inside the restaurant. The woman San was subtly flirting with is laughing with her husband now.

You respond back in the only way you know how when it comes to talking to San. Women.

"You've moved on from unsuspecting college girls to older women now?" You ask, flicking your cigarette and taking another drag.

At the look of confusion he gives you, you nudge your head to the direction of the table you both have shared for the majority of the night. He follows your gaze and the realization sets in.

"Oh," He chuckles, one dimple showing as he glances at you. "She's cute."

"She's also married." You grit out quietly, quickly looking around to make sure no-one else hears.

San's brows furrow and his lips are pressed to stop himself from smiling as he leans over to you as if to let you in on a little secret, "Not happily married."

You scoff, rolling your eyes dramatically as you look away from him. He chuckles again.

"It's them who make the first move, never me." San clarifies, smile dimming, "I may be a lot of things but not a homewrecker."

"That is still being a homewrecker, San."

"That home has been wrecked a long time ago, princess."

You shake your head, keeping your judgement to yourself but the curiosity is still there.

What has Choi San been up to these past two years? While you were in Paris shutting yourself off from anyone and everything to focus on your art, what was he doing?

"Them who make the first move?" You repeat in disbelief, turning to him again and you place your done cigarette in the ashtray before crossing your arms and now the judgement is very obvious, "Don't tell me you're one of those guys who's chasing after older women now."

San presses his lips together.

"Seriously? Did you completely skip the co-worker phase?"

His brow quirks up in thought, "Hm, funnily enough I don't think I've ever slept with a co-worker." You shake your head at him again and are about to open your mouth to scold him but he continues deep in thought, "Does a boss' wife count as a co-worker?"

Your jaw drops at the genuine question and you have to turn your head to the side just so he won't notice the fact that you're holding back laughter, still a snort escapes you. "Jesus."

At that, San lets out a short, husky laugh as well, seemingly unbothered as he takes another drag from his cigarette.

Same old San.

There is still so much left unsaid between the two of you. So much pain and anger, pure rage, so much sadness that is kept bottled away and so many memories repressed but in that moment...well, you are fucking nosy! Sue you!

"You slept with your boss' wife?!" You whisper yell at him with wide eyes, horrified yet equally amused and if that makes you a horrible person then so be it.

"She-" He tries to explain but you're already shaking your head in judgement, "No, hey, listen listen. She came onto me-"

"And you just couldn't resist, could you?"

His brows furrow in defense, "Hey, my boss is a dick."

You both fall into a silence after that, a summer breeze coasting over and you watch the guy who's been flirting with you the entire night stand up and step away from the table.

"Hey, you know that guy?" You ask San, nodding towards the tall figure walking away.

"Jaehyun?" He responds back and at your nod, "We work together. Why?"

"Can you tell him to lay off? He keeps mentioning drinks at some bar after this and I'm not interested."

San frowns, jaw clenching, "He made you uncomfortable?"

You snort, "Please, he's harmless but I'm just not interested."

"Okay, I'll let him know." He nods before turning around, hands finally free of the cigarette and placed on the banister. He glances at you again after a moment of silence. "So...are you seeing...anyone?"

You tense a little at that. "Yeah."

His gaze is glued to the side of your face.

"Good." San nods, "That's good."

You shrug, not really wanting to talk about it. Not because it's San but because...you just don't want to think about your relationship with Mingi right now despite it being at the forefront of your mind at all times.

Noticing the waiters start walking to your tables with trays of food, you straighten out as well. "Looks like the food is here."

San looks over his shoulder with raised eyebrows and reluctantly straightens out his posture, as if he's not ready to go back inside. Hm. It's seems like San wasn't exactly in his element back there, just a good actor.

You're the first to move towards the glass door but he's quick to stop you.

"Uh," A hand wraps around your elbow and you turn to him in confusion, freeing yourself from his gentle hold. San clears his throat before handing you a small white card. "Here. Have it...for, I don't know...Just in case."

You stare at the business card, a fancy name of a firm that you'd probably know if you were in his field of work, printed at the top with San's contact info below.

With a nod, you simply take the card and tuck it into your handbag.

San motions for you to go first, holding the door open for you and you walk pass him without a word.

The moment you both shared outside, seemingly broken the moment you both join the same table again.

Dinner lasts close to another two hours and the moment one of the couples stands up to leave, bidding their goodbyes - you are quick to follow after them, hurriedly wishing everyone a good night while avoiding San's eyes and leaving the hall.

You don't even mind the five minutes you spend outside waiting for a cab.

Not telling anyone that you've seen San doesn't feel like a big deal this time. You're not on speaking terms with Wooyoung so he doesn't have the right to expect shit from you and Mingi...well, that's a whole other story.

You don't see Mingi through the week as much because you're busy with work that's piling on since your job at the book publishing company is soon coming to an end as your sketches start getting finalized and Mingi is sent out to some conference to Busan for three days.

On Thursday, when he texts you in the morning that he is back - you buy some take-out and walk to his place after work.

And yeah, you might kiss a little first. Okay, a lot.

But you haven't seen him in nearly a week and it's hard not to straddle him on his couch and lick into his mouth when he's so pliant and needy underneath you. Even if something tells you that the relationship with Mingi and you isn't exactly right, you still like him.

It's almost easy to forget it all when he kisses you, big warm hands trailing under your shirt and brushing across your lower back as you pull him closer by the back of his neck.

After a make-out session that lasts definitely longer that it almost turns into something else, you break apart and through giggles and hushed conversation, move over to the kitchen to prepare the food.

Mingi is such a guy sometimes. His glasses are all dusty in the cupboards since he mostly drinks everything out of bottles or mugs, so you take two and quickly foam them up to wash them so they can be used for your early dinner.

"I missed you," He sighs, leaned against the counter as he watches you with his arms crossed. "The conference was so fucking boring."

You laugh lightly, water splashing around, "I thought you'd take it as an opportunity to catch a break from me. I've been at your place more than I was at my own before you left."

Mingi shakes his head with a hum.

He walks over to the sink and wraps his arms around you. "If it didn't sound insane, I would tell you to move in."

Carefully setting the glasses in the dish strainer beside the sink, you tilt your head enough to kiss his jaw. "Is that something you want? Or is that something your dick suggested loudly enough for your ears to hear?"

He hums, slightly amused and turns his head so he can bite your chin. "Are you accusing me of thinking with my dick, pretty girl?" He murmurs playfully.

"Yes I am." You hum pleasantly at the nip and lean into his arms "Am I wrong?"

"Only partially." He kisses up your jaw and bites your ear next. "But there's also the fact that I want to spend time with you. All that I can. Two years to make up for."

He leans his forehead against your temple, swaying both of your bodies lightly to the tune coming from the radio set up in his kitchen and you want to smile, want to enjoy it but something isn't letting you.

Two years to make up for.

It's the first time he mentioned anything regarding that time, even if he wasn't doing so directly right now either.

Suddenly, standing in his arms feels suffocating. Any other day, you would want nothing more than to be like this with him but now, it's like there is a bag of rocks sitting in your chest and constricting your airways every time he gets too close.

You shuffle away, pretending like you're focusing on preparing the take-out you both bought and Mingi doesn't seem to notice your awkwardness as he simply starts pulling out plates and utensils from his cupboards.

Now might not be the best time but...you should tell him about San, shouldn't you? You've been weighing out the pros and cons all weekend, the white business card feeling like a thorn stuck in your hand every time you catch a glimpse of it laying on your drawing desk.

If you add another thing to the list of things you haven't spoken to Mingi about, it would only make matters worse.

You should tell him. He deserves to know and it's not like you have anything to hide.

"Hey, you remember that dinner party I had on Friday?" You ask, trying your best to seem nonchalant about it.

"Oh, yeah!" Mingi exclaims, "How did that go? You make any money?" He asks jokingly as he moves past you to get the drinks from the fridge.

"No, no, it kind of sucked actually." You reply with a chuckle and quickly jump in to explain once you notice him turn around to look at you with a frown. "They weren't really there for my art, I was just there to be my boss' accessory I guess but it's whatever."

"Wait, wha-"

You sigh, smiling at him. "It's not a big deal. I mean, selling a piece or two would've been nice but at least I got free food out of it," You turn your back to him to wash your hands, "but that's not why I brought it up."

"....okay." Mingi is properly confused now, leaning on the counter.

You take a deep breath.

"San was there."

It's almost funny how quickly the entire mood of the apartment changes.

Mingi stares at the counter with a stoic expression on his face as he drags his fingers slowly over the clean surface.

"San." He repeats with pursued lips and you swallow.

"Yeah." You continue lightly, trying to uplift the mood that you successfully brought down, "He-...well, we talked and he gave me his business card and-"

"You took his business card?" Mingi questions in faint disbelief and you stare at him, stopped mid sentence and with your mouth parted.

"Well, I didn't really think much about it-"

"Of course." He chuckles, tongue peeking out to lick the corner of his lip before he turns to you with crossed arms, leaning against the counter again. He has that almost sarcastic smile that reminds you of how he treated you when you first met him. "So what, are you going to be attending more dinner parties with him or will you just straight up start seeing him again? Like good old times, huh."

He's being passive aggressive in a way that only Song Mingi knows how to be. Because his thing is to never outright be an asshole. He instead tiptoes around it because he's too smart and too fucking noble but it doesn't change the end goal, which is to, without a doubt, be a condescending asshole no matter how much he's trying to lessen the blow.

"It's just a business card, Mingi." You explain quietly and he chuckles humorlessly with a shake of his head.

"It's never 'just' anything with you and San, Y/N." He easily says back and your mouth turns downwards as your brows furrow in slight hurt.

"If you're saying you think I slept with him or something, then I'm here to tell you right now that's not-"

"No, of course I don't think that." Mingi quickly defends before pausing with a quick glance thrown your way, "But usually when something like this happens, it's not far from it."

You take a step back at that, the linoleum cold under your bare feet. "Excuse me?"

He sighs, running a hand through his dark hair as you silently stare at him with furrowed eyebrows.

You decide to speak because he didn't look like he was planning to.

"We just talked a little bit, y'know...he apologized and that was it. I took the card because...well, I already told you; I don't know. I just took it because he was offering it." You quietly explain trying to remain calm despite the storm brewing in your chest. "I didn't plan on using it or anything."

Mingi chews on his lower lip while staring at you before chuckling humorlessly.

"I don't believe you." He whispers with another head shake and you face falls in hurt, "I mean, is it that easy to forgive him? After everything he's done? It's that easy for him?"

And that's where your nerves start getting grated.

Certain words are at the tip of your tongue but you refrain yourself from using them, wanting to see how far will he go. Instead;

"Forgive him? Who said anything about forgiving him?" Your voice slightly raises, "I just said I don't plan on using his number. I don't plan on calling him, Mingi."

Something in your brain tells you that it's wrong to have to explain yourself to him like this.

"And I just told you that I don't believe you and you know why I don't believe you?" Mingi retaliates with an equally loud voice, "Because two years you went back to him! Even after seeing how he threw you away for Boyoung, the moment they broke up and he appeared with his tail between his legs, you allowed him back in. So I'm fucking sorry for assuming that it would be any different this time, seeing as you're accepting to talk to him. I don't plan on being anyone's second choice I'll tell you that, straight up, because I, as opposed to some people, have some respect for myself."

You freeze up at that.

San fucks you. He doesn't give a shit about you otherwise and he knows you have very little self-respect for yourself to ever call him out on it.

His voice is laced with sarcasm. Or maybe it's not even sarcasm but it's something aching to mocking and it makes you feel bad. It hurts you and it makes you equally angry.

Maybe you've had it wrong all this time. Maybe you underestimated yourself expeditiously and maybe only Wooyoung has some sort of safety net when it comes to your temper. Maybe you could always hurt Mingi.

Because he was really getting on your last fucking nerve.

You must stay silent for far too long because Mingi seems rigid as well, almost sensing that he pushed too far. Which he did.

His eyes stray away from your face as he furiously blinks around, rolling his tongue over his teeth.

You feel like you're back in the same spot you were in two years ago, only this time the hinges on your face aren't close to breaking. The rusty mechanisms and dirty, bent out of shape nails that lay beneath the surface stay hidden by the tightly screwed shut door. No, it won't be like two years ago.

Because maybe it's time to show Song Mingi just who Park Y/N really is.

"I don't like the way you speak to me when you're angry." You start off calmly, too calmly because Mingi seems perturbed at your tone and then even more so at your words.

He blinks, looking around with furrowed brows before his eyes settle on you, "What?"

You quirk an eyebrow at him. "I don't like how you treat me like I'm some dumb bitch who doesn't know left from right when you get all fired up. There. Is that better?"

"I don't-..." He starts, still blinking at you confusedly before his expression turns colder, "Don't turn this around on me, Y/N."

You let out a laugh which seems to annoy Mingi. Good. "Oh, I think I will, Mingi. I think I'll turn this around on you."

He goes silent at that, staring at you in slight hurt which in your opinion shouldn't even be there. What is he supposed to get hurt over?

"You wanna know what I think?" You ask, placing your hands on your hips as you stare him down, "I think you're so caught up in all this self-righteous bullshit that you don't even realize what kind of a hypocritical asshole you really are."

"What-"

"What? Huh?" You mimic childishly but you don't give a fuck. "All this talk about what San did two years ago, what I did two years ago but what about what you did two years ago? Huh? Wanna preach about that a little?"

It's almost comical how silent the room is.

"Come on. You had so much to say not even a minute ago, so talk." You glare at Mingi's crestfallen face and you would normally feel bad for bringing any of this up. But you're too far gone and you can't find it in yourself to care anymore. "Do you want me to remind you? Want me to remind you how you treated me like an idiot that day? How you choose her over me? Want me to remind you how you said I was trying to trap you into a relationship with me?"

Just saying it makes your eyes burn from the unshed tears that you suck in. You're too pretty to cry, Y/N.

"Y/N-" Mingi starts off calmly, definitely feeling like the argument is going in a completely uncharted territory that he doesn't look like he'll be able to handle.

Thankfully, you're an expert at verbal fights.

"You have a lot of balls to stand there in front of me and judge me for...what? Talking to San? Taking his number? Should that mean that I'm also an idiot that has no respect for myself for standing in this apartment with you at this very moment?" You ask loudly despite the tremble in your voice. "Because let me remind you Mingi, you didn't even apologize. You didn't even bring up what happened two years ago, instead you just went about it as if it never happened. Do you think you're better than San or something?"

His mouth opens and closes a couple of times as he blinks at you bewilderment before he recollects himself.

"First of all, I never called you an idiot." Mingi says quietly before his tone hardens, "And second of all, I am nothing like San."

"No, obviously not." You agree immediately, "But to think that you didn't hurt me would be ridiculous, don't you think? In fact, you hurt me more because you actually made me think that I stood a chance!"

"I never said that I didn't hurt you-"

"So what? You just didn't think I deserved an apology? Or to have at least addressed that between us?"

"Of course-" Mingi groans, rubbing his eyes before loudly exclaiming; "You're turning everything I say into something it's not!"

"Yeah, doesn't feel good does it? To be talked to like an idiot." You throw back meanly before looking away with an eye roll.

"Y/N." He says with a sigh, definitely fed up with the attitude which is too bad because he just scratched the surface.

There is a moment of silence in which you pace along the space of his kitchen as he just stands near the counter staring at you.

"Well, fucking talk!" You exclaim loudly, "Do I have to pull the words out of you with a pair of claw scissors, Jesus Christ. You had so much-"

"I was ashamed!" Mingi exclaims equally loud and you falter a bit with your pacing. He sighs, eyes falling shut as he runs a hand down his face before he's back to staring at you. "Of course, I think you deserve an apology. Don't you think I haven't felt guilty at the way I decided to approach this?"

He's speaking quietly now and you protectively cross your arms over your chest as you stop in one place, to carefully listen.

"I was ashamed. I've never spoken to anyone like that the way I spoke to you that day and...well, it was to you of all people." The words fall from his lips as his cheeks flush, "I've contemplated countless of times, back then, to call you and ask to meet up so we can...so I can talk to you and apologize but I never did and I fucked up, okay? I should've. And then I fucked up again when I just tried to brush it all off when we saw each other again this summer but you seemed like you were in a genuinely good place and...I didn't want to fucking bring it up. I was scared that would just push you away further."

Your eyes fall to the floor as you let his words, delivered in a honey-like voice, sink through your skin.

"I was an asshole that day and I was an asshole now and I am sorry for everything I said, I didn't mean it. Of course I'd go on a date with you, who in their right mind wouldn't want to go on a date with you?" Mingi chuckles weakly and when you look up, only then you notice his teary eyes. "But Y/N, you have to try and understand that I had no idea where we stood back then."

When your brows furrow, he is quick to explain.

"I know we were hooking up and spending a lot of time together and you asked me out on a date but in my head that was all just to get over San and with Boyoung...there were too many things at stake and I couldn't rely on a chance where there was a possibility I would get thrown away in exchange for him." He trails off and you nod.

"So you decided to throw me away instead."

Mingi observes you in silence, sad eyes staring into your teary ones but he doesn't say anything to correct you.

"Damn." You let out a shaky breath, "That...sucks."

The permanent feeling of being something so easily disposable, yeah, it fucking sucks.

"But Y/N, I mean, surely you understand where I'm coming from now, right? After everything with Wooyoung?" Your blood runs cold at his quiet admission, "I mean, being in Boyoung's place-"

"Don't." You whisper harshly, the sole comparison to Boyoung feeling like a dozen thorns stuck in your palm.

"But-"

"Don't mention Wooyoung." You say curtly and Mingi nods after a beat of contemplation.

"Alright, I-I'm sorry but...I'm trying to make it better. I want to be with you. I wanted to be with you then and I especially want to be with you now." He whispers and the first tears slide down your cheeks.

You stare at him with your mind jumbled and emotions at an all time high. Memories from two years ago resurfacing from good ones to bad ones and you find yourself at a crossroad, not knowing where to go.

"I don't think we should be together."

Mingi's face falls, "What?"

"Did you ever watch that movie 'Flipped'?" You whisper and Mingi stares at you flabbergasted, watery eyes and red cheeks.

"Y/N-...what? Flipped?"

"If you haven't, you should watch it, it's a good movie. I read the book too so I know many of the quotes from the top of my head." You talk, ignoring his questioning panicked stare because the easiest way to hold yourself together right now is to go on a tangent about a fucking movie you've been watching since you were a teenager. "I just remembered one of the quotes from it...It goes something like how sometimes a little discomfort in the beginning can save a whole lot of pain down the road."

Mingi is staring at you like you've grown three extra heads. Like you've completely lost your mind.

You laugh faintly, tears still falling. "We're both at fault now. We should have talked about all of this when we saw each other again, no matter how ashamed or hurt we were. We should've talked, cleared everything up, got closure and then went our separate ways...because look where we are now." You shrug motioning to the distance between the two of you, both seemingly heartbroken. "Ended up in the same place, only this will hurt about a hundred times worse."

"Wh-what will hurt, Y/N? What are you saying?" The desperation seeps into Mingi's voice as he takes a step closer to you, almost to reach out but he refrains himself from doing so.

"I'm saying that...right now, all of this...us...it feels wrong."

All this time, while convincing yourself to push it under the rug, you thought that talking about it would be the thing that fixes everything between Mingi and you. But weirdly enough, you feel only slightly better just because there is no longer a rock sitting in the middle of your chest but not in any way enough to say that all is well.

If anything, you feel like things are only worse.

"Wrong?" Mingi asks weakly, watching as you move to take your bag and you bite your trembling lip.

"Wrong." You confirm, trying to act tough despite knowing that you will cry a river once you're in the safety of your home. "And now I'm going to go."

"Go? You can't go!" Mingi exclaims in panic, staring at you with wide eyes and you sniffle a little, "Y/N, d-don't go! Please, don't go, let's just...let's sit down, yeah?"

You glance at him and his face fills with the saddest expression of hope. "Let's just sit down and talk, please. We...we were both upset so let's just-"

"This isn't about how the fight started and it most definitely isn't about San." You say firmly, making sure he knows that. "t's just now that we talked, I'm starting to see how out of place everything between us is."

"No, it's-" You cut him off and he turns his back to you in a hurry. Your heart aches when you see him run a hand under his eyes again.

"Mingi, I like you. So much. I could see myself loving you one day." Your voice cracks when he turns to face you again, "But I don't think I want to fall in love with someone who had to make a choice and that choice didn't include me. Like, really....you didn't even try."

Mingi's crestfallen face is the last thing you see before you turn around and head for the front door, quietly exiting as the guilt, the sadness, the hurt all settle in deep in your gut.

You don't remember the bus ride home. You think someone sat next to you because of rush hour but you're not sure.

You walk up the steps to your apartment and when you close the door shut behind yourself, is when you let the tears flow.

Wooyoung is sitting in the dinning area again, typing away on his laptop with a spreadsheet in front of him when you walk past him without a word.

"Y/N?" He calls after you but you don't grace him with a response, only slam the door to your bedroom shut.

Through your sniffles, you know the best thing to do right now is definitely not go to bed. You will only cry harder, possibly regret the decision, possibly go into a spiral of convincing yourself that you will never be truly loved. You can't do that.

So you slowly start unpacking your work bag, taking out the sketches and notepad and placing them carefully on your desk with your pencils following right after.

You can hear footsteps pacing in front of your door and it's only another reason for the heartache.

It's Wooyoung, probably wanting to come in and see what's wrong, but he doesn't know if he's allowed so now he's pacing in front of your room. You know him so well that you can imagine it and it causes a small watery smile to grow before it's dissolved by the tears again.

Your life is such a mess.

He disappears from the front of your door and you can hear him talking to someone quietly on the phone. You wonder if it's Yeosang.

"Shit." You mutter through the tears as you clumsily knock over the ceramic cup holding your brushes off the desk and sending it into bits and pieces to the floor. "Fuck." You whimper, bending down and trying to collect it, minimize the mess as Wooyoung keeps talking to someone.

"What?!" Is heard faintly from down the hall but you ignore it, too busy trying not to injure yourself.

You cry, crouching on the floor with a piece of the cup in your hand as you have no strength to clean up the mess you made. You never do.

Soft sobs that you try to muffle wreck through your body that you barely even register the bedroom door flinging open and seconds later, a figure is crouching by your side.

"Give me that." Wooyoung whispers, taking the shard from your hand and throwing it back to the floor before wrapping both of his arms tightly around you.

You try to push at him but it only causes his arms to tighten and he mutters; "You can hate me and be angry at me all you want but I'm not letting you cry alone."

A loud sob escapes you and Wooyoung moves both of you to the bed.

"T-the mess-" You try to free yourself from his hold but he doesn't budge.

"I'll clean it up, don't worry about it." He whispers, hand coming up to slowly pat you on your head and it all causes you to cry harder.

The loneliness, the destruction, the feeling of being disposable and always loving people more than they love you; it all comes crashing down on you today and you cry so much that you eventually tire yourself out and fall asleep against Wooyoung's side.

When you wake up, there is a headache cursing through you and a scratchy throat. You're alone in your room and when you move to the kitchen to see the empty coffee pot, you figure that it's still too early for Wooyoung to be up.

After showering and drying your hair half-heartedly, you pull on a long floral skirt and a white blouse, minimal make-up just to hide the dark eye circles and make it seem like you haven't been crying your eyes out the night before.

You make the coffee instead, leaving half of the pot on the counter after pouring yourself a cup which you drink staring at the surface of the dark wood of the dinning table before grabbing your bag for work and leaving.

There is a million thoughts running through your head and you're like a zombie for the entire day. Jihyo and Sana definitely notice so they keep their distance.

"You're finishing up in a week." Your boss stops by your desk and you nod with a fake smile at her. "I'd hope we get to keep working with you even after this book. Hyejeong really likes your illustrations, she feels like they fit her stories perfectly."

"Thank you." You say quietly with a bow, keeping the fact that you're probably not coming back to yourself. You kind of hold a grudge for the dinner party which immediately taints the image you've had of your boss but still, it's good money so you might change your mind. You're not sure.

You're not sure about anything these days.

Mingi texted so many times. Even called a couple but you've ignored all of it. Leaving your phone on silent and even tempted to turn it off completely.

The messages start all the same...'I'm sorry, can we-' and 'Please allow me to explain-' and well, that's all you can see on your phone without actually opening them.

Since it's Friday, you get to pack up your stuff and leave early. While you're at the market picking out some fresh fruit, you come to an idea...or more of a conclusion. You need a couple of days by yourself. You need to be on your own and figure yourself out.

But how do you do that when you have a roommate? The thought of kicking Wooyoung out isn't even a possibility even though Yeosang would definitely let him stay at his place but that's something you refuse to get into.

So the only thing that remains, is that you leave.

When you walk into your apartment, Wooyoung is already home. You can hear him shuffling around the kitchen as you take of your shoes in the small, narrow hallway and you sigh lowly before entering.

Your plan is just to leave the raspberries and plums you bought into the fridge and disappear into the bedroom but of course, Jung Wooyoung doesn't allow that.

"Hey, can...can we talk?" He asks cautiously, fully destroying your plan of just sneaking away in silence and you stop at the entrance of the hallway leading to your bedrooms and shared bathroom.

It would've happened sooner or later but you're real tired of 'talking' to anyone. "Yeah."

Wooyoung wrings his hands nervously, "I heard what happened with Mingi...and I know now might not be the right time... I want to be there for you. And in order for me to be able to be there for you, I need for you to be able to talk to me. So let me apologize...properly."

You just stare at him in silence and he takes it as his cue to continue.

"I'm sorry for lying to you and hiding stuff from you. I wanted to tell you at the beginning but things just kept escalating and I kept putting it off because I knew you would be upset. I wanted to do it on my own terms, sit you down and calmly explain everything to you and tell you about...Yeosang and when it happened so unexpectedly I lost control of the situation and I said stuff I didn't mean, I handled everything in the worst possible way and I'm sorry. But I'm not...I'm not going to break up with him, I...I really like him, love him I think and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." He finishes quietly and you run your tongue over your top row of teeth as you observe his taller figure, nervously fidgeting a couple of feet away from you.

"Okay." You give him a nod and turn to walk to your room again.

"O-Okay?" Wooyoung calls after you hesitantly, "That...that's it?"

You stop again, turning to him, "What do you want me to say?"

He huffs, "I don't know. Anything. More than this, that's for sure."

You know he feels awful. You know it. Because Wooyoung loves you. You two are more than friends, you're family and you love him too. He's the most important person in your life and maybe that's why you're so closed off now.

The most important person in your life hurt you immensely.

"Do you want me to tell you that I forgive you?" You start off, your voice raspy and low. "Because I don't but I'll say it if it will make you feel better."

He opens and closes his mouth before shaking his head furiously, "No. No, that's not what I want but I just want you to talk to me again. I'm not saying this to make myself feel better."

"We're talking, aren't we?" You shrug with a chuckle, avoiding his eyes as yours start to burn again. You're so tired of crying.

"Y/N, you know what I mean." Wooyoung groans, running a hand through his jet black hair that he's been growing out recently. "I hate that you're avoiding me and that-"

"Yeah, well I'm fucking hurt Wooyoung." You cut him off snippily and he immediately clamps his mouth shut. "I'm sorry that's an inconvenience for you but I'm hurt. You lied to me. You hid stuff from me and then you got angry that I got upset because of that and mind you, I have every fucking right to be upset because you know what happened between Yeosang and I. And then..." You pause swallowing down your tears, "And then you threw the thing with San in my face despite...despite knowing everything. You knew I wasn't like that anymore, you knew I never kept anything from you after that but you still said it because you wanted to hurt me."

Wooyoung presses his lips together, harshly blinking away the tears as you try to keep your own at bay.

"I just..." You pause, biting on your lower lip and focusing your gaze on the blank wall next to you so the tears don't fall and you don't get swept away by your emotions but all of that is always easier said than done. "I never want to hurt you."

You continue through a whisper, "Every time we fought and I'd get so angry that I wanted say so much shitty stuff just so I could come out as the winner but I never did because I never want to hurt you..." Trailing off, your face twisting as you swallow down the tears, "So why was it so easy for you to hurt me?"

Wooyoung seems heartbroken by your last admission, brows furrowed and bottom lip trembling as his jaw locks into place and teary eyes stare into your own. He shakes his head quickly, "It's not-...I wasn't-...."

He doesn't know what to say because really, what can you say to that?

You try to put yourself in Wooyoung's shoes, wondering what you would say and then you realize that you have no idea how to even apologize let alone do enough to be forgiven.

Apart from the time you woke up to a silent Seonghwa by your side in the hospital, you don't remember ever apologizing in your life to anyone. And you definitely had apologies to give.

Girls who wanted to be your friend in middle school so they were an easy target, boys who liked you in high school so they were fun to play with and drag along like puppies, people who tried to stand up against you and only got burnt in return, people who simply looked at you wrong sometimes...

Years of purposefully inflicting pain onto others because you were in pain yourself and having so many apologies to give that you don't even remember all the faces that you've been cruel to when you just wanted to feel more...or sometimes less.

It didn't mean that you never felt guilty over it but usually, it was a temporary type of guilt that would pass as days, hours, sometimes even minutes trickled by and then you would never think of the person you hurt again. You wonder did they think of you more? Did they remember?

You hope not. You hope they haven't thought about you once after they stopped hurting. You don't think you're someone worth remembering.

Do you even deserve to stand here and accept apologies? Did you have the right to ask Mingi for anything? To be chosen? Why?

You're not a good person.

The more you stand in front of a silent Wooyoung who is sniffling in the middle of your apartment, the harder you spiral and it becomes more difficult to be surrounded by anyone.

"I'm leaving for a couple of days." You break the silence looking straight ahead as Wooyoung's head snaps up, face falling.

"L-leaving where?" He asks, wiping away the tears under his eyes.

"Just somewhere."

"Y/N, you can't leave. Where the fuck will you go?" He asks, the previous fragile exterior quickly hardening up the more he sees how serious you are.

" Yes, I can and I'll figure it out." You respond back, already tracking back to your bedroom.

"Don't fucking leave. If you need to be alone then I'll leave for a couple of days but..."

"It's not about just you, Wooyoung." You say loudly, turning over your shoulder to level him with a look. "I just need to leave the apartment-"

"Then go for a fucking walk and then come back!" Wooyoung throws back equally loud and you groan, mussing up your hair as you fully turn to face him.

"It's just for the weekend."

"I don't give a fuck! You're not leaving all of a sudden to go God knows where-!"

"And I'm not asking you for permission!" You yell back. "We're both adults who do whatever the fuck we want, aren't we? So now, I'm going to pack a bag and leave and you're going to let me."

You slam the bedroom door in his face, tears burning once again at the corners of your eyes as you pull out your small duffel bag from where you placed it in your closet and throw in a couple of articles of clothes in it. The hallway is empty when you open the door, so you quickly shuffle into the bathroom and collect your skincare and toothbrush before weaseling into your room again.

You pack your sketchbook as well along with some pencils.

When everything is done, you stand in the middle of your bedroom and rub your eyes with a sigh, definitely smudging up your make-up in the process.

What are you doing, Y/N?

Not allowing yourself to start doubting, you make sure you have everything before you fling the door open and head straight for the front door.

"Don't leave." He weakly calls out and it's only then you notice that he retrieved to his own bedroom and only came out when he heard your door open.

You stop in your tracks at how vulnerable he sounds but you just want to be alone now.

"I'll be back on Sunday, Young-ah." You say equally as quiet, not having the bravado to even look at him before opening the front door and walking out.

There was a small hotel on the edge of the city that you've often admired because it was pale pink.

You've never stayed there for a couple of reasons. One being that you lived with your parents and had no reason to book yourself a room anywhere else in the city. Another being that it wasn't a fancy hotel but something considered below you back then.

It's why you decide to go there now.

They give you a single bed room with a balcony, a humble mini fridge and a dresser on which you place your duffle bag.

It's a three star hotel but it was clean. Clean sheets, clean bathroom, clean towels. And at the moment, you really didn't need anything more.

So you change from the clothes you went to work in and into a pair of white cotton pants and a T-Shirt that you suspect is Wooyoung's but you absentmindedly stuffed it into the bag when you were packing. Clipping your hair back in a low bun, you open the balcony door wide open and sit down behind the small table fixed in the corner, carrying the bottle of whiskey you found in the mini-fridge and a glass.

It was nearing 7 p.m. and the summer heat was slowly simmering down so you lean back, observing the view in front of you of the city and all it's modern beauty.

Your eyes fall to your handbag sitting on the dresser inside the room and you stand up with glass in hand, walking over it and pulling out your wallet.

The white business card sits tucked between the numerous pieces of paper, coupons and cards and you pull it out, throwing it onto the surface of the dresser.

Your phone is next to it.

After a long moment of contemplation, biting your lip in thought and eye flickering over the figures printed on it - you grab your phone.

He comes nearing sundown, two knocks on the hotel door which have you standing up and walking towards the door with a sigh before unlocking it.

San stands leaning on the doorframe, head cocked to the side and dark eyes immediately latching onto yours.

"Didn't peg you as the type to bring your lovers to hotel rooms. You're really a changed woman now, Y/N." He says, lips perking up.

"Get in." You with an eye roll before turning around and heading for the balcony again but not before picking up an extra glass from the tray.

"Okay, wow, you're in a mood." He comments, lips folded in a pout when he finds you back in your chair on the balcony and plops himself in the chair next to yours. "Bad day?"

You snort in response; one- because yeah, bad day is an understatement and two- it's San who is asking.

Silently, you pour him a drink before refilling your own glass.

You pull your legs up on the chair and lean your chin against your knee as you watch him take a sip. San grimaces at the taste, tipping the glass towards you in question.

You sigh. "It was in the mini-fridge."

The whiskey is no doubt cheap. You wouldn't know because it's not usually your drink of choice but it seems like it is San's who instantly recognizes the difference.

Snob.

"Ah."

You fall into an oddly comfortable silence, both staring at the view in front of you. The sun is almost set now, the sky painted the most beautiful mix of oranges and purples and pinks that you've seen in awhile.

"Okay, so since you don't seem like you have any intention of speaking even though you were the one who, y'know, called me up here...I'll start." San says popping his lips as he places his glass on the table, you feel him glance at you from the corner of your eyes. "It's a rather...delicate subject from what I could gather but I think it's best if I just ripped off the band-aid."

At that you turn to him slightly intrigued at whatever bullshit is about to spill from his mouth.

"You called me so I have your number now, right?" Your eyebrow furrow at the question before he continues, "I was wondering if...if I could give it to Seonghwa."

You don't know if your expression gives you away. You try to smooth out your features but your jaw is clenched so tight you think your teeth might break.

You observe San's expression, his eyes boring into yours from across the small garden table between the two of you, trying to gauge if he just somehow found out who your brother is and is just fucking with you.

But San, for all the times he was cruel, isn't that cruel.

"How the fuck do you know Seonghwa?" You whisper, voice coming out slightly hoarse and confusion only deepening when you see San grimace.

"It's a long story." He chuckles almost awkwardly and you clench your jaw again.

"Amuse me."

San sighs, head tipping forwards a bit in contemplation before he straightens out again. "When I got your letter, thanks for that by the way it was a real...whatever, he came to the frat and beat the shit out of me."

Your jaw drops at that in genuine surprise because it just doesn't sound like Seonghwa. At all.

Your brother did boxing occasionally for shits and giggles with his friends but physical altercation is so not him. He couldn't hurt a fly.

"Seonghwa did?"

San chuckles bitterly, almost pained by the question.

"Oh, he sure did. Broke my nose, busted my lip, black eye...yep, the whole package." He recollects with a sigh, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. "But that's not...anyway, that's not the point."

You open your mouth ready to ask for more information but he is quick to derail the conversation.

He seems...embarrassed. "Um, a couple of days after that I stopped by your house thinking your mom or dad would be home so I could ask them for your number or e-mail or I don't know...something."

As the shock crosses your face, San is quick to explain.

"Don't overthink it!" He quickly defends himself then lets out a low groan, tipping back the rest of his glass. "I wasn't trying to do a romantic gesture or anything-"

"Oh, God forbid." You comment sarcastically. Of course Choi San would think being romantic is the worst thing in the world. He just shoots you a quick glare before continuing.

"I just wanted to...uh," His finger runs over the tip of the glass, eyes avoiding yours, "Wanted to apologize, I don't know."

You stay silent at that and he sighs again, licking his lips before looking up to you again.

"But they weren't there, instead Seonghwa opened the door and after the, y'know, initial urge to break my face...again, he, uh, let me in. I think it was because he was drinking so it made him all...sentimental and shit." Yeah, that sounds like your brother. "But anyway, he offered me a drink, we got to talking a little bit and yeah..."

You stare at him, gaping.

"So, wait, so...you're friends with my brother...?"

San grimaces at that again, "Well, I wouldn't really call us friends. I'm pretty sure Seonghwa hates me and," He scoffs with an eye roll, "It's not like I'm awfully fond of him either but we sometimes go to a bar and just be...bitter and miserable adults together."

"Oh, so you're fucking friends with my brother now." You conclude sharply, nodding as you run your tongue over the top row of your teeth while staring at the city lights in front of you.

"But can I? Give him your number?" He asks again, this time quieter, "I didn't mention seeing you again or anything and it's sort of making me feel like shit because I know he'd love to hear from you."

You swallow down all the emotion pilling up in your throat. You hadn't seen Seonghwa since the day you got disowned but you surely thought about him. Often. For better or for worse, you always will love Seonghwa.

He was your hero and it's hard to just will all of that away.

"I'll think about it." You say in the end, tipping the rest of your glass back and immediately going in for a refill before pouring into San's glass as well.

"That's all I ask." He nods in thanks when you slide his glass over to him. "So, now that we got that out of the way; Why did you call me here?"

Now it's your turn to avoid his gaze. You focus on the cars passing by below you and pursue your lips.

"I...I don't know." It's such a shitty answer. The last thing you wanted San to think was that you invited him so you could fuck him. Given your history, you can't exactly blame him for it but it's not why.

Since you've seen San again, the thought of sleeping with him hadn't crossed your mind.

Not because you don't find him sexually appealing anymore, no, you don't think that will ever happen. It's not possible with San.

But maybe, you just stopped chasing for relationships where the only goal is to get off. They leave you feeling empty, hollow. You want to be whole.

And there is something about San and everything you've been through with him that makes you want to talk to him.

"My life is kind of shitty right now and I feel like every single relationship I have is falling apart one way or another and I don't know what to do so I just..." You trail off shaking your head, not knowing where you're going with this.

"I understand." San responds quietly. You let out a bitter laugh.

"You do?" You ask meanly, cocking your head at him with a smirk.

He doesn't take it to heart. "Yeah, sometimes you need to spill your guts to someone who you don't like all that much just to hear what they'll say and who's better than the asshole you were hooking up with in college."

"Shit." You let out unintentionally because maybe he does get it. He lets out a laugh.

"Why do you think I have your brother for?" San asks jokingly and you let out a snort at that. He snickers, pushing your shoulder gently with his hand. "So tell me, princess, what's going on?"

So you do tell him. Everything.

You tell him about Mingi. About what happened two years, what happened at the beginning of summer, what happened yesterday.

Then you tell him about Wooyoung. About Yeosang. About everything. You notice how his eyes dim a bit at the mention of Yeosang's name.

The pain, the tears, the anger - you tell San all of it until he's staring at you silently when you finish.

"Well, shit." He chooses to be his opening words, "I can see what you're so fucked up about now."

"Yep." You take another gulp of the whiskey, the nasty overly strong and somehow sweet taste not even being that bad anymore.

"I know this might come off real fuckin' hypocritical but you have to give me more than that. Like, what's the actual issue here?" San asks, grabbing the half empty bottle by now and pouring himself another glass. You give him a confused look. "What I got from this is that they both apologized so what's the actual problem? Forgiving them?"

"It's not..." You start but pause, mulling over your next words. "I'll forgive both of them but...it's not...it doesn't feel enough."

You quickly fix your words, "It's enough with Wooyoung. I'll be mad and sad over it for awhile and then...things will go back to normal because he's Wooyoung. I have a feeling I'd forgive him if he killed someone."

"So, Mingi...?" He asks, taking another sip before pulling out his pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of his jeans. He offers you one and you take it with a sigh.

"Yeah, Mingi." You nod, leaning closer when he offers you a light before lighting up the stick between his own lips. "I don't know...I...It's going to sound stupid."

"It might but it doesn't matter." San shrugs blowing out the smoke. "I don't judge."

You stare at him, taking a drag from the cigarette silently. The alcohol makes you more loose-lipped so it's easier to talk even about the things that have been eating you up inside for so long.

"I don't like how he didn't choose me."

"Of course." San nods, flicking the cigarette in the small metal ashtray on the table.

"But he apologized...he feels bad about it...." You trail of weakly, not sure of your own defense.

"So what?" He shrugs, looking at you for a response as he takes another drag. "He apologized because it's the right thing to do but you don't owe him anything."

"But-"

"Y/N, do you wanna be with him?"

"Yeah," You nod before pursuing your lips, "But I don't want to be with someone who just...who just ditched me like that. It doesn't feel okay. It makes me...it feels wrong to me."

And that is the complete and honest truth. You want to be with Mingi. He makes you feel warm and fuzzy and everything you expect you should feel in a relationship with someone but the choice he made two years ago drove a wedge through you and now sits in your chest like a stake which you just can't pull out.

"Well there you have it." San says as if it's the easiest thing in the world. You scoff.

"It's not that simple."

"It feels pretty fuckin' simple to me." He shrugs and it makes you roll your eyes in annoyance. San bites on his lower lip before he decides to speak again. "You shouldn't lower your standards or force yourself to get over something that's obviously bothering you just because you want to be with someone."

"But," You chuckle humorlessly just to hide the tears brimming at your eyes as you turn forward again, to avoid his gaze. "Do I even deserve to have those standards?"

San looks at you in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I just think I'm asking for too much considering I'm not exactly a person that deserves all of that." You say quietly, taking another drag of the cigarette before exhaling. "I'm a bad person, San, do I even deserve to ask someone to pick me? Shouldn't I just be happy that he seems to want to be with me now?"

San stays silent next to you and you clench your jaw, fearing what his response may be. You might've asked him to come here to talk but that still doesn't mean you're not scared of getting hurt.

"That's bullshit."

"Wha-" You open your mouth in frustration but he interrupts with a shake of his head, eyebrows raised as if he's telling you the most obvious thing in the world.

"It's bullshit." He shrugs, taking a last drag from the cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray. "First of all, you're not a bad person, Y/N, I don't know who told you that but you're not. It takes more than saying a few mean words to be a bad person."

"Second of all, don't ever allow yourself to feel like you don't deserve something you want." San states with determination. You open your mouth but he holds his hand up, "No, listen, when you're shopping, right?"

You groan because of course. Of fucking course, San would still associate you with shopping.

"Listen, when you're shopping for, I don't fuckin' know, a bag or something do you buy a bag even though you're like, 'hm this one doesn't have enough pockets and I don't really like the color and it might be too small but it's okay I'll still buy it'...?" You stare at him. "No, you fuckin' don't. You're buying it. You've investing in it. So it should be perfect. It needs to be the best fucking bag in the entire mall."

"Mingi isn't an object, San. He isn't a thing I invest in so I don't see how-"

"Well, obviously he's not a thing but of course you invest in him. You invest your time, your feelings, yourself." He lists holding up his fingers, "So if you're investing all of that in him but still carry that burden of what he's done at the back of your mind then I don't really see the point? Why would you do that to yourself?"

"That's ridiculous." You let out a laugh. "Nobody is perfect, like, everybody will make mistakes. If everyone acted that way and just never got over shit, nobody would be in relationships or have friends or-"

"But we're not talking about everyone here, Y/N, we're talking about you." San remarks giving you a pointed stare. "Some other person would maybe accept Mingi's apology and get over it and I'm not saying that's wrong but you are obviously still bothered by it even after the apology because you said it yourself, it feels wrong to be with him to you."

"And that's fine." He discloses softly and you swallow, taking another sip from your glass. "There's nothing wrong with that either. Nobody can tell you how to feel, Y/N."

You mull over his words, surprised that San of all people is so good at understanding others around him so well. You always took the fact that he was closed off emotionally as a sign that he didn't understand or read emotions all that well or that he didn't care but now you're starting to realize that maybe he reads them a little too well but just keeps it all to himself.

"Wouldn't it be a bit hypocritical to go back to how things were with Wooyoung but leave Mingi?" You ask unsure, the cool air of the summer evening feeling comforting on your skin.

You've thought about it since yesterday. After you told Mingi it might've been better if you hadn't started anything at all, yet still allowed Wooyoung to hold you as you cried.

"Maybe." He shrugs, taking another sip of the golden liquid from his glass, "But who cares? Like, they're not comparable at all in my opinion but genuinely, it's your life. You decide who you want in it."

"That's...a bit selfish, no?" You scrunch up your nose and San laughs lightly.

"Selfish? Sure but everyone is selfish." He gives you an 'are you kidding?' look when you look at him ready to argue, "Everyone is selfish. Everyone around you is selfish and everyone around me is selfish. You and I, we're selfish as well."

"I don't...not everyone..." You mumble, pouring yourself another drink. The alcohol is starting to hit fully now, San seems fine despite drinking more than you though.

"You think your friend wasn't selfish? He started seeing Yeosang despite knowing you were on bad terms with him, that's selfish." San points a finger at you as if to prove a point, "And then he hid it from you despite knowing it would hurt you because he just wanted to keep you and your friendship the way it was. That's selfish as well."

"Mingi as well, he didn't bring anything up even though he knew it would be the right thing to do because it was easier to pretend like nothing happened because he wanted you and knew that bringing it up would make it fresh again for you and maybe drive you away further." He remarks with a shrug. "It's all selfishness but I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily, it all seems to prove their love and care for you. But it's still selfish."

You don't dare interrupt his little rant, probably drunken ramblings at this point but you're equally as drunk and you want to listen.

"You know people sometimes say they want the best for you and sure, that might be true to an extent but really I see it as a 'I don't think you should do this because you'll feel like shit and as someone who cares for you, it will be an inconvenience to me because I'll feel bad as well because I love you' like, they still put themselves first in a way even without realizing it so maybe that's not selfishness but it sure damn is close to it." He nods with his lips folded in a natural pout, "And it's not bad, it's inherently human to be selfish."

You store everything he says at the back of your mind, hoping you will remember it in the morning.

"You know," You start off quietly after a moment of silence, "You're really good at this for someone who hates dealing with their feelings."

San smiles at you over the rim of his glass before taking another sip. "Maybe that's why I hate it. Because I understand how fucking complicated and hard it is."

You really didn't want it to get to this point. Where you're given a chance to talk about San but the opportunity is still too good to pass up on. After all this time, it would still be pretty sweet to figure him out.

"Don't you want someone?" You ask curiously, laying your cheek on your knee as you stare at him while running your finger over the rim of your glass. "To love you? To love?"

San sighs lowly, leaning back in his chair again as he stares out to the city. He murmurs slowly, "I don't think that's in the cards for me."

"Why not?" You push, the one question that's been plaguing your mind for so long. Why not, San?

"Because..." He starts, gaze casted downwards, "Uh, I don't think I would be good to them."

Your brows raise at that, cheek sloshed against your cheek and he glances at you for a brief moment before turning his eyes to the city lights again.

"I'm not saying I'd treat them badly, no, I can do all the superficial shit if I really want to like, remembering dates and buying flowers and being a good boyfriend but..." He smacks his lips in thought, "At one point, that won't be enough. They'd want to know me, want to know more than I want to show and I'd get... I don't fuckin' know, it would start being suffocating. Like I genuinely think I'd feel sick to my stomach as dramatic as it sounds because...it's scary. To be vulnerable."

"You know," He angles his body towards you and he continues speaking almost through a whisper, "That's why I draw the lines. Like, 'we can do this and we can do that but no feelings, no relationship'. And sometimes they'd think they're in love with me," His eyes are on you when he says it before they fall to the table, "And I'd pretend I don't see it because I'm doing them a favor, really. Despite popular belief, Y/N, inflicting emotional pain on women isn't something I enjoy. But making them think they have a chance by starting a relationship, making their feelings more real only for it to fall through in the end when they realize that I can't give them all of me...now, that's cruel. I don't want to do that."

He reclines back in his seat again and you're completely silent, the traffic from the world below you is the only thing heard.

“Boyoung...she might’ve been the closest thing to love I’ve known and the moment she started to want more, to know more, to ask more...I couldn’t do it. It’s like I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe when I was with her when she’d start asking about my parents, my childhood...anything that I obviously avoid. I just couldn’t. I tried that one time and I don’t plan on trying again. I’m just not made for it...” He trails off in thought, "I don't want to hurt anyone more than I have to so it's just best to do what I've been doing until I can."

"And for how long do you think that will work?" You wonder out loud, picking your head up to take another sip from your glass.

"For as long as I can drag it out." San responds quickly with a chuckle, "I've been working for about two years now. Big company, rich people, a lot of money...I'll be moving up the ladder soon and I already think I know what the rest of my life will look like."

"And? What does it look like?"

He starts with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "I'm on the way to becoming a workaholic so I'll mostly focus on that. Spend my twenties and thirties fucking around with different women because a relationship isn't an option and climbing up the company ladder. By the time I'm in my forties, I won't be as desirable to women anymore but I'll have money and probably a top position at the firm."

Listening carefully, you can't help but think what a miserable life that is.

"Then I'll marry someone younger because she'll make me look good but I won't love her. And that's okay because she won't love me either, she'll definitely marry me for the money and won't mind that I only gave her a small part of myself." San takes a sip of the whiskey, swallowing the drink with pursued lips, "And she'll cheat on me with the pool boy or some other younger guy because I'll always be working but that's also okay because I won't be faithful either. And I'll probably develop a drinking problem somewhere in between and we won't have kids because I don't want to bring innocent babies into such a fucked up marriage."

When he goes quiet, you can't help but watch him with furrowed brows and feeling awfully saddened.

"Why would you want to imagine your life like that?" You probe, strands of hair that were framing your face swaying in the cool breeze.

San shrugs, eyes focused on the city lights with his eyebrows pinched. "Just think that's how it's going to be...or at least something similar to it."

He turns to find you watching him and lets out a soft smile, "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" You give him a one sided shoulder shrug and he eyes you.

"Like you feel sorry for me. I don't need your pity." San shakes his head, looking away again. "If I wanted things to be differently I know what I'd have to do to change it but I simply don't see that happening anytime soon. Kind of a bummer, huh?" He glances at you, "How our futures depend solely on us and no-one else."

You give him a weak chuckle in return before both of you fall into another silence.

Another thought crosses your mind and you contemplate whether or not you should say it. You've already told San enough and he told you a little bit as well. But you're both silent now and there's nothing else to do so you decide to say it anyway. You're drunk so maybe you won't even remember it in the morning.

"I want to be in a relationship so badly." You start of shy, back to avoiding San's eyes when he turns to look at you, "I crave stability and I think that's why I started this...thing with Mingi again because he made me really happy back then so I thought...maybe it's not that important that he didn't choose me then if he's back now."

"Mhm," San nods in agreement, playing with the glass in his hand, "And I think you're worried that no-one will come after Mingi."

You scrunch up your face at that, "Well, that...that makes it sound like I'm settling for Mingi or something. It's not like that, he's not someone you settle for. He's great, anyone would be lucky to be with him."

San's expression twists up, "You need to stop putting everyone you're in a relationship with on such a high pedestal while downplaying yourself. You're making it seem like he's doing you a favor by being with you. Anyone would be lucky to be with you as well, Y/N."

"San." You warn him, shaking your head with a laugh.

"What?" He ponders, genuinely confused, "You know for someone who always seemed so confident and acted like they're better than everyone else, you are weirdly insecure."

Your jaw drops, "Uh, fuck you."

"I'm just saying," San groans, popping his lips again, " You have a lot going for you and you're always going to have options so even if things don't work out with him, someone else will eventually come along. If that's one of the things you worry about, I'm just telling you that you shouldn't."

That is one of the things that you worry about....a lot. If you decide not to pursue anything further with Mingi, what if everyone else that comes after him just doesn't treat you as good in comparison to him. And in the end, what if you regret letting him go?

Why couldn't you simply stomach what happened two years ago and just be with him?

"He's a good guy..." You trail off quietly, lips folding into a pout unintentionally.

"I'm sure he is but there are other good guys as well." He maintains eye contact with you, "If you want to be with him then it should be for the right reasons and if you're sure that you won't hold the past against him, not because you're scared of ending up alone or placing your own worries at the backburner for him."

You slump back on your knees as you let San's words sink in.

Forgiving Mingi is easy. You know he feels sorry, you know he didn't mean anything he said that day or yesterday, you know he cares about you in some way.

But letting go of the resentment you feel deep inside over not being worth the fight in his eyes and not holding that against him if you do decide to continue anything with him?

You are not sure you are capable of that.

So is it really fully forgiveness? If you can't let it go?

"This is such a mess." You sigh, pouring yourself another drink clumsily before handing the bottle to San.

"Tell me about it." He responds, speech slightly slurred.

"You really are good at giving advice though, maybe you should listen to yourself more often." You say teasingly, giving him a drunken smile.

San gives you a faint glare. "Shut up. You mention this to anyone and I'll deny every word."

You giggle. "Can't have people thinking you have a heart, yeah?"

"Exactly." He smiles before bringing the glass back up to his lips.

"So..." San starts, pulling you out of your thoughts after the moment of prolonged silence that enveloped you both as you stared at the city in front of you, "How is Yeosang?"

You glare at him. "Seriously?"

"Come on." He rubs the back of his neck, puppy eyes coming out the longer he stares. You sigh.

"He's working at the same IT company as Mingi and lives in a nice big apartment that he shares with a roommate I haven't met before." You list off from the top of your head, "He has a small poodle named Butter and he's also dating my best friend who just happens to be the best person in the world so...I'd say Yeosang won the life lottery out of all of us. Lucky motherfucker."

San goes quiet, rapidly blinking as he stares at the surface of the table but a ghost of a smile appears on his lips. "That's good, yeah."

"You want me to-..."

"No." He shakes his head immediately, already knowing what you were about to say. "I was shitty to him and after I apologized, he said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I have to respect that, reap what you sow."

You nod with a hum.

"Your friend is in good hands though, Yeosang is...great. Yeah, he's great." San adds and you nod your head absentmindedly, not really in the mood to talk about Yeosang.

"Why did you choose this hotel out of all places?" He asks suddenly, changing the subject as he turns his attention to you again. "Everything else was full?"

"No, uh," You glance at him, "It's pink."

There's a moment of silence and your cheeks warm up.

"Right." San smiles, dimples on display.

"Shut up." You grumble, grabbing your glass again and taking a sip as he laughs.

"No, it's cute." He adds when he's done laughing, "It's very on brand."

"Whatever."

You sit there for another hour, quietly murmuring drunken stupidities amongst yourselves as you keep drinking. When he mentions college days, it doesn't sting as much as you thought it would. It's so weird.

"I don't think I was ever in love with you." You murmur out of nowhere and San slows down his action of going after the bottle, eyes finding yours.

He smiles, "I know, Y/N."

Choi San was always an enigma. Something you desperately wanted to figure out and have because no-one else could. You mistook your ego getting wounded at the thought of not getting your way with him as love somehow but it was never love. You just didn't know it back then, too blinded by your pain and anger and Choi San's ability to be devastatingly irresistible.

He broke your heart multiple times but it was never a heartbreak that came from love, it was something else.

You smile as well and then sit up to snatch the bottle from his hand.

"Well, time to brotherly share this." You say swishing the small amount of whiskey left in the bottle which you divide as fair as you can between your two glasses.

"Cheers." San says quietly, clinking his glass against yours before you both take a sip.

After both of your glasses are drained and you are sufficiently drunk, San decides it's time to leave so you follow after to walk him out.

"The reception said your cab will be downstairs in two minutes." You tell him, waiting by the door as you watch him check if all his belongings are there and that he didn't leave anything behind on the balcony in drunken stupor.

"Okay." He nods, brushing past you and walking out.

"San," You call softly after him because it is the middle of the night now. He turns in question, just a step away from you. You pursue your lips, arms crossed over your chest as you stand leaned on the doorframe. "You can give Seonghwa my number."

His eyebrows perk up at that faintly but he nods in response.

"And..." You start, the words dying in your throat as you look at him, feeling oddly sad that he has to go.

"...and?" He insists turning to face you fully now, taller frame towering over you that you have to crane your neck a little to look at him.

"And after this, let's not see each other again." You tell him quietly, tears burning at the corner of your eyes but holding your head up high.

San smiles softly, surprising you when his hand reaches up and gently tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear before leaning closer and pressing a chaste kiss to your forehead.

He steps back, soft smile, soft eyes, soft voice. Soft. "Okay. Let's not see each other again."

You give him a watery smile, "Good night."

"Take care, princess. Good night." He gives you one last smile, dimples and all, before turning his back to you and walking away.

Locking the door shut, you make sure the balcony door is closed as well before plopping down on the still neatly made bed with a groan. You're out like a light in minutes.

On Saturday, you nurse your hangover and take full advantage of room service by ordering greasy food that you would usually avoid. You draw a little, back on the balcony.

You think you can imagine Miguel The Skeleton owning a pink hotel just like this but it's kind of a busted job because no human wants to go to a hotel owned by a skeleton wearing a hula skirt and a 50s grandma hat. Miguel The Skeleton doesn't look as smug at that revelation.

Maybe if he ditched the ugly hat, you tell him...Would make him look far more approachable.

You don't check your phone at all on Saturday, just put it on silent and leave it to get charged.

On Sunday, you're ready to go home.

In the morning, you take a nice shower and pack up all your belongings. Dutifully make sure all your pencils and papers are in place and get dressed in a floral dress that feels light on you which is perfect for the God awful temperature rising outside even if it's barely noon.

After you check out, you take a cab to your neighborhood and stop by the local restaurant to get lunch from there. Given everything, you still feel bad for just leaving Wooyoung like that. The two of you haven't been separated this long in the last two years and you don't know if that's a bad or good thing.

You unlock the front door and walk in, leaving your duffle bag in the hallway while taking off your shoes and walking inside, carrying the food you got in the plastic bag hanging from your hand.

As you place it on the dinning table, you hear a door slam open and footsteps stomping up to the main area.

"I brought food." You quietly say, focused on taking out the containers without letting anything spill that you don't even notice Wooyoung staring at you.

"You b-bitch." You hear him say, more like whimper and it immediately has your head snapping towards him, brows furrowed in confusion that melts to worry when you notice his disheveled state.

Red, swollen eyes, messy hair and tear-stained blotchy face. Dressed in his pajamas and just standing there, looking at you as his bottom lip wobbles.

"Wooyoung, what-" You straighten out slowly but he glares at you.

"Are you going to move out?" He's trying to glare, seem angry but all it does is make him look so vulnerable as more tears slide down his cheeks and his face scrunches up.

You do a double take.

"What?" You question as you near him cautiously, brows furrowed as your confusion deepens. "Why would I move out? I live here."

"Were you out for the weekend looking for a new place? Be honest with me! Is that what you were doing?" He interrogates you loudly, before breaking out in another sob that immediately has you latching onto his arm to calm him down. "Are you g-going to leave me? Yeosang said you wouldn't leave no matter h-how angry you a-are but I'm n-not so sure now!"

You sigh, placing your hands on his shoulders gently as he stares at his feet, tears dripping down his face.

"Well, it's hard for me to say this but Yeosang is right." You start off quietly, calm and collected. "I'm not going anywhere, Young-ah."

He sniffles, wiping the tears away with his sleeve before bringing his gaze up to meet yours. You immediately soften once you see the fear and insecurity in his eyes and you hate yourself for leaving a little bit despite having the full right to do so.

You place your hand on his cheek before giving him a small smile, "Wooyoung, I would never leave. I just took a little weekend vacation to the city, that's it."

He breaks at that, hands going up to hide his eyes as he cries. "I'm sorry. I'-I'm sorry, I'm s-so sorry. I'm-"

Your gaze softens and you start to realize that this took a toll on him more than you expected and on instinct, you grab him by the nape of his neck and pull him in for a hug as he latches onto the skirt of your dress while crying into your neck.

"It's okay." You whisper comfortingly to him but feel him shake his head against you.

"It's n-not okay! It's not. I h-hurt you and I-..every t-time I tried to talk to y-you I ended up m-making it worse and I'm s-so sorry-" Wooyoung rambles through his hears.

You push at his shoulder until he lets go of you and cup his face with your hands, your own tears threatening to fall.

Nobody can tell you how to feel, Y/N. San's words echo in your mind.

"Wooyoung, listen to me," You shush him gently, "I love you, Wooyoung and before we left for Paris, I made a promise to myself that I'd do my best for you to be happy, like you deserve and if Yeosang makes you happy then that's just something I'll have to get over, okay?" You wipe the tears under his eyes with your thumbs as he stares at you, face still crunched up, eyes glossed over with tears and lips wobbling as he tries to hold in his sobs, "So don't even think about that anymore. And the rest, well I'm hurt...and it might take awhile for us to go back to how things were but...but we'll get there. I swear, Young-ah, I'm not going anywhere and everything will be okay, hm?"

His face crumbles again as more tears fall but he nods shakily before burying his face in your neck. "I love you, too."

You sigh quietly, wrapping your arms around him again as your tears slowly get soaked up by his shirt.

You squeeze him lightly one more time before moving to untangle yourself from his hold and he steps back, wiping away his tears again. You smile faintly.

"Come on, I brought lunch from that place down the street." You tell him, heading to get the cutlery and plates from the kitchen cupboard as Wooyoung watches you for a second longer before following your lead and quietly grabbing the judge of juice from the fridge and a handful of napkins.

"There we go. Bon appétit!" You proclaim as you fill up your plate, trying to be as cheery as possible just to make him feel slightly better. Seeing him so down feels like a punch in the gut.

You both eat in silence, neither knowing what to exactly say so you just stick to keeping quiet until finally, Wooyoung starts.

"So...where did you go?" He asks hesitantly, voice hoarse and you perk up in your chair as you chew.

"Oh, I was in that pink hotel near the center." You say while chewing before you slow down, glancing to the side for a split second. "San came to see me there."

The revelation causes Wooyoung to start choking on the bite he was chewing and he quickly flails around, grabbing the napkin as he coughs into it. You take a sip of your juice and clear your throat before innocently taking a peak at him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, y-yeah. Just went down the wrong pipe." Wooyoung croaks out, loudly clearing his throat before looking up at you.

You know he has a plethora of words for you right now and it's almost fun to watch him try to hold himself back from say them.

"Just say it." You shrug, bringing the chopsticks up to your mouth again and chewing.

"No, no, no. I'm not going to say anything." Wooyoung shakes his head, trying to play cool and you raise an eyebrow watching as his fingers bounce off of the surface of the dinning table for a moment, obviously in distress and knee probably bouncing underneath it. "Okay, fine! I am going to say something!"

Your lips quirk up. You didn't expect anything less.

"Did you-...Why-....I mean, what-..." It's almost amusing to watch him scramble for words, hands going around in the air as if it's enough to explain anything. He sighs, hands resting on the table, "Did you fuck him?"

"No." Is your quick and simple response.

He quirks an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side, "You...didn't?"

"No." You confirm one more time, "I invited him over, we drank and we talked and then I told him I don't want to see him again and he left."

"...oh."

"Yeah."

"Hm."

"Mhm."

Wooyoung sighs, standing up from his chair. "I need something stronger than this fuckin' orange juice. Do you want some vodka with that?"

"Uh," You look around the room, "It's a Sunday noon."

Wooyoung blinks, bottle of vodka already in his hand as he stares at you besides the open fridge.

"Sure." You nod, pushing your glass towards him.

Wooyoung tips a generous amount of vodka in your glass before doing the same to his and then returns to his seat, taking a big gulp.

He sighs in content before giving you his full attention, eyes puffy and hair still a bird's nest. "Now. Tell me everything."

You get tipsy while you re-tell Wooyoung all about your night with San filled with deep, drunken musings that create a ridiculous image in your head as it's not something you ever expected to have to describe.

Wooyoung is shocked, then slightly peeved then confused but all in all, seems to be interested by the newly developed relationship that ended on the same night it started. He even says he's proud of you and you don't exactly know what to say to that.

"So, what about Mingi?" He asks, leaning back against the couch. It's been an hour since the two of you moved to the living room with the bottle of vodka and jug of orange juice accompanying you.

You give him a look.

"Right." Wooyoung nods with his bottom lip jutted out in understanding.

Sighing, you run a hand through your hair. "I'll ask him to meet up this week. To talk properly."

"That's good. Clear the air completely." He says in a supportive manner, stretching his arms above his head.

"...yeah." Is what you decide to respond with. It's not just that, neither is it that simple but you are also not ready to talk to Wooyoung about your current feelings just yet. You might've told him about San but you didn't describe in details what you talked about like you usually would, more so kept to the funny bits and stuff that wasn't all to serious or specific. Not because you're trying to punish him or anything but just...you just can't. And that's okay. It is.

"I'm gonna go to my room." You add after a moment of silence with just the two of you lounging on the couch. "I have to unpack and...get ready for work tomorrow."

Wooyoung's eyes dim a little at the obvious distancing, it's barely noticeable but you know him well enough to read him. Still he gives you a small smile and nods, moving his legs out of the way to let you pass.

After unpacking the little clothes you brought and placing everyone back to it's original place whether it's skincare or sketching supplies, you open the window of your bedroom to let the fresh air in since there seems to be a slight breeze today and plop down on your bed with laptop on your lap, ready to maybe watch a movie or just waste time online...it makes no difference.

A random movie starts playing, just something to fill out the silence as you change into a comfortable pair of shorts and an old shirt before return to bed and get lost in your own thoughts, blankly staring at the screen while thinking of what to say to Mingi if....when you see him this week.

The buzzing of your phone from the nightstand interrupts you and you frown slightly when you see 'unknown caller' on the screen. Only a handful of people here know your new number...

"Hello?" You say into the speaker, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as your frown only grows when you're met with silence from the other side. "Hellooooo?"

Your lips part as a thought crosses your mind. It's silly. It's fucking ridiculous but hope is always the saddest feeling in the world and if you don't try, you feel like it will eat you up from inside. You take a deep breath,

"Hwa?" You ask with a shaky voice, clutching the phone to your ear as you wait for something. Anything.

"H-hey. Hi." His voice cracks from the other side and your eyes burn almost on command.

"Hwa, hi." You chuckle shakily, watery smile growing on your face because it's your brother. It's your brother, it's your brother, it's your brother.

"How, uh, h-how are you?" He clears his throat, "How are you, Y/N-ie?"

You sniffle, tears streaming down your cheeks and getting soaked up by the collar of your shirt. "I'm g-good! I'm-...I got back in May with Wooyoung...I, uh, I....mm, how are you?"

"I'm good as well, yeah." Seonghwa says softly over the other line, "I, uh, I-...San gave me your number. H-He told me that you said it's okay but I didn't...really believe him." He chuckles awkwardly, nervously, "So I...that's why it took me this long to call but I still...I still wanted to hear from you even if...even if he lied or something I still..."

Your face breaks at that and you try to muffle the hiccups with your hand before forcefully clearing your throat, "I d-did! I did, I said it's...it's okay."

A moment of silence ensues.

"Can I see you?" You ask self-consciously, timid of hearing his response.

"Y-Yes! Yeah," Seonghwa laughs nervously again, "Sorry, yeah...definitely."

"So, when..."

"Well, does tomorrow...? I-I mean do you have a-....Would tomorrow work?"

"I finish with work at four." You offer quietly, anxiously waiting to hear his response.

"Okay, so...so would around eight work?...Dinner?"

"Yeah, yeah...okay."

"That...that Italian place near the fountain in the center?" Seonghwa offers and you nod quickly before almost face palming, remember he can't see you.

"That works..." You utter softly and hear him sigh from the other line.

"Okay, great. So...so I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah..."

You indulge in some small talk after that, nothing long or too important...mostly discussing the weather awkwardly if you were completely honest before biding him goodbye and placing your phone back on the nightstand before laying down in your bed, curled up but somehow with a heart that was starting to get halfway full.

The next day you're on autopilot for the majority of it, only being aware of the clock ticking away and every hour passing by while you giddily sit behind your desk at work and try to do some finishing touches to the illustrations.

As soon as the clock hits four, you are out of your seat like a skyrocket, packing up your bag in a rush and bidding the room a quick goodbye before heading for the stairs.

You're excited to see Seonghwa, you really are.

You can't even find it in yourself to be mad or hurt anymore because all you can feel is how much you've missed him. You've been missing him so long even before you left two years ago.

Maybe that's how siblings work. They hurt each other and hate each other but still nothing can break them apart in a way.

Blood is thicker than water after all.

Well, you have a couple of examples that have proven that to be wrong but still...Seonghwa is Seonghwa.

Wooyoung isn't home when you arrive so you take a quick shower and change into something more casual like a cute patterned mini skirt and white halter top, washing your face of any make-up you've had on before grabbing your bag and heading for the door again.

The Italian place Seonghwa mentioned as your meeting spot was a small restaurant where the two of you used to go to when you were younger, both sharing the same appetite when it came to cheese and pasta.

You worried that you might've arrived too early, almost half hour earlier than planned but you were nervous but excited, feeling too many things to just sit at home and wait as you watch the clock.

It seems like it wouldn't be too bold to assume that Seonghwa felt the same way because as you enter a little deeper into the restaurant, you spot a familiar figure sitting alone at the table in the corner and your heart jumps to your throat as you cautiously approach him, shy and unsure like he's not your own brother.

Seonghwa glances in your direction before doing a double take, immediately standing up from his seat, even from a couple of feet away you can see him fiddling with his fingers.

You clear your throat, gracing him with an awkward smile that probably resembles a grimace more than anything else because the longer you stare the more your eyes burn with unshed tears.

"Hey." He utters once you're close enough and you can't help yourself, you walk around the table and throw your arms around him like you're that kid once again who's only friend she had was her big brother.

His arms come around your frame, holding you tightly against him and you squeeze your eyes shut as you latch onto him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so...I'm so sorry, I-..." Seonghwa keeps repeating over and over again and you're not even sure what he is apologizing for but you forgive him. You don't know why or how but you forgive him.

You wish things were different, you wish you were never put into a situation where you didn't see him for two years and had to have him apologize like this but you forgive him. You will always forgive him.

"It's okay." You say quietly against his shoulder. He shakes his head.

"It's not okay. It's...it's not okay, I should've been there. I should've..." His voice cracks and you can tell he's holding back tears, "I should've done more, I should've done more to protect you, to help you, I should've..."

"It's okay." You interrupt him even firmer, pulling away to meet his eye as you step back slightly, "You're here now...right?"

It's never too late when it comes to your brother.

Seonghwa presses his lips together, face pinched as he blinks away the unshed tears before nodding decidedly. "Yes. Yes I am."

You nod as well with a small sad smile before clearing your throat again and pulling out a chair for yourself across from him.

It's awkward and neither of you know how to act, slipping into the siblings act proving to be more difficult than you expected but you don't mind. You missed him so, so much.

"I ordered, uh, press juice or something." He shakes his head with brows furrowed and a small smile on his lips, "So the waiter should be here soon, so you can order-"

"Yeah, yeah." You chuckle, not minding the wait as you lean your elbows on the table.

Seonghwa stays quiet and so do you, eyes coasting over the restaurant before settling back on him. His hair is shorter than it was before you left but still kept neat. He looks somewhat more mature, like a proper adult and it's odd. Does he think the same way about you?

Do you look like an adult?

You certainly don't feel like an adult. People often tell you to quit acting like a child. Parents told you that you weren't a kid no longer but you really can't remember when was the exact moment you grew up.

His eyes meet yours and his expression falters again.

"Y/N, I'm really...I'm..." Seonghwa starts but then pauses, probably searching for the right words to say.

Growing up, Seonghwa and you rarely fought but when you did, you never apologized to each other afterwards. You had no idea if that was how all siblings operated but the two of you would just act like nothing happened after you cooled off and then tried to butter each other up with being out of the ordinary nice to each other.

Maybe that's why you have trouble speaking now.

"I know." You assure him with honest eyes, "Me too."

Seonghwa seems thankful when he nods and then quickly jumps in to wave down a waiter that walks over to take your order.

Throughout the dinner, you indulge in small talk. Paris, work, Wooyoung, Seonghwa's new girlfriend. You both avoid the big elephant in the room but you can't go avoiding it forever, you have to ask even if it's just out of decency.

"How are mom and dad?" You ask before taking a bite of your pasta.

Seonghwa's chewing slows down and he glances at you before shrugging. "They're...same old mom and dad."

You both chuckle after that.

You haven't heard from your parents since that same night but your grandma, your mom's mom, called you one night while you were in Paris.

Apparently, to save face as always, your mother was telling everyone how Wooyoung and you escaped to France because the constant attention here was a bother to your relationship. More privacy where less people know you. So you both transferred schools to Paris to be a happy little couple away from the nosy upper circle and experience normalcy of the Average Joe.

What a load of bullshit that she was still trying to sell and his parents didn't seem to mind either. It was a quick explanation as to why neither of their kids were in touch with them that much when someone asks, even if it is a lie.

It caused your blood pressure to soar when you first heard it and almost made you not return to Seoul at all but in the end, Wooyoung managed to talk you into it thankfully.

The longer dinner stretches on, the easier it is to speak even if the subjects were still fairly superficial. But you really enjoy dinner.

"Will...Will I see you more often?" You ask quietly playing with the napkin on your half empty plate, timid of his response after so much time of getting brushed off and barked at by him.

Seonghwa's eyes soften as he stares at you, "Do you want to?"

"Yes...yeah." Is your immediate answer as you gulp down the happy tears.

Seonghwa seems to be doing the same thing, "Then yes. Whenever."

You wring your hands in front of your face as you look at him before nodding, "Okay."

"I'm really..." Seonghwa sighs before smiling again, glancing at you before looking away, "I'm glad we did this, kid. I'm really happy and you look...you look like you're doing very good, I'm proud."

"Thank you." You whisper, unusually shy to hear the praise but you always craved his approval.

"Would you like me to drive you home?" He asks, waving down the waiter again to get the check.

"Yeah," You sigh, draining your glass of juice, "It's getting kind of late."

Seonghwa snorts with eyebrows raised. "That is something I never thought I'd hear from you. It's barely past ten."

"Hey," You whine, "I'm a working woman now and I'm not so young anymore."

"So I take it you retired from the college parties and shitfests in general." He jokes and you scoff.

"Pfft, awhile back." He laughs again.

"Let's go." Once the check is paid, he gives you a ride to your apartment and you point out the window of your living room to him, you don't know why but it's just in case you guess. If he ever decides to stop by.

When you enter your apartment, you let out a sigh before tiredly taking off your sandals and walking inside.

Wooyoung is always doing something in your shared space. He makes the dinning table his work table on most nights so you're not all that surprised to see him sitting behind his laptop, glasses slipping down his nose as he types away, grumbling under his breath.

"Hey." You greet quietly and his head picks up in surprise.

"Oh, hey." You can hear the 'where-...' before he stops himself and your heart slightly aches. He's always so nosy but now keeps his distance as well until he figures out where exactly you two stand and when he's allowed to start butting in your business again.

You want to tell him about Seonghwa though. You're so happy to see your brother again and you want to share it with someone. Not just someone, your best friend. Your Wooyoung.

You leave your bag on the counter before turning around and leaning against it so you can look at Wooyoung.

You mull over your thoughts for a moment and when you glance at him, you already see Wooyoung staring at you in question.

Clearing your throat, you smile lightly. "I just had dinner with Seonghwa."

His eyes widen in surprise, "Seonghwa? You did?"

You nod, peering up at him and Wooyoung stands up from his seat and mirrors your position of leaning against the counter.

He nods, "That's really great, Y/N. Really...that's...I'm happy for you."

You don't know what to respond. You're happy too, heart full at 68% now and you smile lightly, staring at the floor.

You don't know what to say, so you just lean your head against Wooyoung's shoulder and he chuckles, wrapping his arm around you to gently rub your shoulder.

You: hey...

You: can we meet today?

Mingi: Yes

Mingi: What time

Mingi: And where

When you get to the park in your neighborhood, Mingi is already waiting.

He's sitting on one of the empty benches staring at the sun that's slowly setting and you feel your heart pitter-patter with dread.

"Hi." You greet him, sitting down next to him but making sure there is some space between the two of you. Mingi gives you a small smile.

"Hey."

"Uh," You decide to start first, "I'm sorry for just leaving like that last week and then...not answering your texts and stuff, I needed some time to think about everything."

"...it's okay." He says quietly, still staring in front of himself before taking a deep sigh. "I want to tell you something before you say anything else."

"...okay." You abide, placing your small handbag in your lap as you basically straddle the bench so he can have your full attention. When Mingi notices your movement, he does the same thing.

He sighs again. "Remember two years ago, you asked me if I thought that you weren't worth the fight?" His eyes trail up to yours and you nod in confirmation in confusion. "Well, I definitely don't think that because I'm pretty sure I fought with Boyoung every single day for a whole year after you left."

You look at him in confusion and Mingi chuckles, "I might've not fought when it mattered but when I...turned you down...I was so angry and resented Boyoung so much for something that wasn't even her fault that I just nagged and snapped at her and..." He rubs his face with one hand, "I was so angry at myself for what I've done to you, what I said that day, that I took it all out on her until our friendship crumbled completely. She never even knew that the two of us had...a thing back then." He shrugs almost pitifully, "I ended up losing both of you in the end. I turned you down because I wanted to be a good friend I guess and then I wasn't a good friend because I liked you so much that I resented her until I chased her away."

"That's not my fa-"

"I'm not saying it's your fault." Mingi quickly interrupts you, voice soft and eyes reassuring, "It's my fault completely but I'm just telling you this in case you think I took what I did lightly. I realized I made it seem like that when I mentioned Wooyoung last time, like I was downplaying what I did but I always knew that I did wrong by you, I just never knew how to handle it properly."

He gently takes your hand, fingers starting to play with your own and he stares at your two intertwined hands while you stare at him, heart pitter-pattering again louder and louder.

"I'm sorry for what happened that day, for what I said and how I acted and for not...for being so fucking passive that I let you slip away without a fight because you are most certainly worth the fight, Y/N." Your eyes gloss over as you stare at him, "I'm sorry about last time as well, I had no right to attack you like that about San. I literally...I literally behaved the exact same as I did two years ago. Got insecure and took it out on you."

Mingi glances up at you, licking his lips nervously. "I'm really sorry. Whatever happens between us, I need you to know I'm sorry."

You nod after a moment of contemplation. "Thank you."

Now, it's your turn.

You've spent days tossing and turning in your bed at night, thinking if the choice you're about to make is the right one.

And you don't know. You may never know if it's the right choice or if it's something you will regret for the rest of your life but in this moment, it's your choice.

Only yours and no-one else's.

"Mingi, the reason why I asked you to meet me today is because I wanted to bring it all to an end in the right way..." His eyes falter a bit and you squeeze his hand, biting your lip before you continue, "I don't want you to...I guess that I don't want you to carry this burden with you anymore, what's done is done." You try to comb through your thoughts a bit better, jumbled mind making it hard to form sentences when he's staring at you and hanging onto every word that leaves your mouth, "What I'm trying to say is that I understand why you did what you did. I get it, objectively I can't blame you for it because I wish Wooyoung would've done the same for me." You chuckle and his mouth quirks up a bit.

"I forgive you...but I don't think we should be together." You continue and his eyes cast downwards again, your own start to burn as you try your hardest to blink away the tears, "I like you a lot, I already told you that but I can't get past it. I know myself, the first big fight we'd have when we'd be screaming at each other's faces and trying to take digs at each other, when I'd have nothing else to say, I would throw you not choosing me in your face because I'd know you wouldn't have anything else to say to that."

Mingi opens his mouth to refute you but you shake your head with a smile, "I would. I'm that kind of person. Even when I say that I forgive you, which I do, there is still a part of me that resents you and I don't think that will ever change."

You look down at your joined hands, "And you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to have to tip-toe around someone you're in a relationship with or be with someone that resents you in any way for something you've done two years ago and I...I deserve to be someone's first choice in that moment. I deserve to have someone choose me."

"I'm choosing you now." Mingi says, voice hoarse and you look away to stop the flood of tears from coming.

"There's nothing to choose from now." You say quietly. No decision to be made, only cheapened stakes that make the choice obvious.

You gently graze his cheek with your free hand and he picks up his eyes to look at you. He seems on the verge of tears as well.

"You're a good guy...you're a great guy. I'm not doing this out of pettiness or because I'm trying to punish you or something. You...you were the closest thing I ever had to love." His face crumbles a bit at that and you can't keep the influx of tears at bay anymore, "But I deserve to have someone choose me when things get hard and I don't want to continue this relationship that will become emotional torture for both of us sooner or later because it will, it's just how the two of us are it seems..."

"I still think we made a mistake by starting a relationship like this again but..." You trail off, thumb still running circles on his cheek as his eyes bore into yours and bigger hand squeezes yours, "But I don't regret a single second of it even if it ended. It was a really great summer, I enjoyed spending it with you." You give him a watery smile.

"I'm sorry." He whispers shakily and your smile falters, tears still streaming down your cheeks and collarbones, getting soaked up by your shirt.

"Me too." You whisper back, leaning over and pressing your lips to his. A small indulgence you allow yourself just this time before pulling away and burying your face in his neck.

Mingi's arms quickly wrap around you, as he pulls you deeper into his chest and his hand smooths your hair falling down your back.

You don't know how long you stay crying, wrapped up in each other but the sun sets, the night encapsulates you and with the utmost strength you part from him.

You bid Mingi one last goodbye with a smile and then turn around and walk away.

When you walk into your apartment, all the lights are off and you hear Wooyoung in his room probably watching something on his laptop. So you quietly strip and pull on your pajamas before washing your face squeaky clean and then your teeth, trying not to dwell on how red and puffy your eyes are as you stare into the mirror's reflection before tip-toeing to his side of the hall and into his room.

He's laying in bed with his laptop on his lap watching 'Succession' you believe and he turns to you, surprised.

"Hey-" You don't allow him to finish, you quietly climb into his bed and snuggle into his side.

Wooyoung is still faintly frozen in surprise but he lets out a small breath and moves his arm to wrap it around you, "You okay?"

You nod.

"I'm okay."

Time stops for no-one.

The days continue to trickle by. You see Seonghwa more often (usually for coffee or lunch) and each time you do it feels like it gets easier to talk to him.You know that one day, it will be like when you were thirteen again - when it was the two of you against the world.

(He never mentions San and you never ask.)

Only this time you have Wooyoung as well, with whom you go back to normal easily. Easier than you expected after the initial bump in the road, you never ask about Yeosang though and he never mentions him which you think is a bit unfair to Yeosang.

Now, you might not like the guy all that much but...obviously Wooyoung doesn't plan on letting him go any time soon.

So against your better judgement, you tell Wooyoung that he can invite Yeosang (and Butter) to hang out at your apartment. You invite Seonghwa as well.

It's been a couple of weeks since you stopped working at the publishing company and are back to being a freelancer and doing illustrations for smaller businesses while focusing on your own art in between.

On that God forsaken Friday, you invite Seonghwa and Yeosang back to your place after work and Wooyoung orders take-out and buys beers for everyone.

Yeosang and you don't talk much. You don't really have much to say besides the times it is polite to speak to him but hey, at least the animosity is gone.

He seems to be shy and timid towards you and it takes you by surprise as those were the words you never associated him with before but Wooyoung doesn't seem surprised at all, so you conclude that Yeosang may be a shy person in general only you never saw it because you two were constantly at each other's throats.

Wooyoung puts on Succession again which seems to be a new obsession of his and you don't mind, finding the character of Roman Roy to be quite amusing as you all sit in the living room with the food and drinks and watch the show, someone throwing in a comment or two once in awhile.

"Hey," Seonghwa calls out from the other side of the couch and you turn to him in question, "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

You glance at Wooyoung and Yeosang who notice the conversation but don't pay it much thought. You nod at Seonghwa before you motion for him to follow you.

"Oh, cozy set-up you got here." He says, throwing himself on the chair by your desk, you chuckle sitting down on your bed.

"Thanks. So what's up?" You ask, leaning back on your palms.

"So," He drags out with a small grin, "I was thinking, I'm going to New York next month for work but nothing too much, it's more out of courtesy than anything."

You blink at him, "Okay?"

"How would you like to come with?" He asks, eyes gleaming with excitement.

You frown faintly, "Is this...does this have anything to do with mom or dad-"

"What? No! Fuck them!" Seonghwa interrupts you quickly, "So? You wanna go?"

You chuckle as you stare at him in disbelief, "To New York?"

"Yep. Three weeks."

"Three weeks? I can't go to New York for three weeks, Hwa." You scold him and he frowns at you.

"Why not? You work from home now, right? It might be good for some new inspiration, y'know, might meet some new connections there. I can set you up, I know people." He winks at you and you roll yours. Seonghwa barely knows any people. "We could spend time together, just the two of us. Autumn in New York is something else from what I hear."

"And I hear they have rats the size of skunks. Definitely something else." You deadpan and he laughs.

"That might be something new to see as well."

You sigh, "I have to think about it. Three weeks isn't that short of a time."

"Well, you can always return early or something." Your brother shrugs in response, already standing up from the chair.

"That's it?" You ask, wondering if that was all he wanted to talk about.

"Well, yeah. Just wanted to ask." He chuckles, moving towards the door.

"I'll think about it..."

"Okay."

When you both return to the living room, you notice Wooyoung not even hiding the way he eyes you while Yeosang glares at him.

"And what were you two whispering about that the rest of us can't hear, hm?" He asks nosily, crossing his arms over his chest as Yeosang facepalms.

"Nosy ass." You mutter, plopping down in the seat next to him on the couch.

"I was just asking Y/N if she wanted to come to New York with me next month." Seonghwa explains with an easy smile, being the ever people pleaser he was.

"New York?!" Wooyoung quickly passes the current episode as he turns to you with wide eyes. "You can't leave for New York, what if you don't come back?!" He cries out.

"You are so ridiculous, why wouldn't I come back?"

"So you're going?!"

"Well, I said I'll think about it but I'll definitely come back to Korea, Wooyoung, for the last time, I live here." You roll your eyes in humor as Seonghwa snorts from the other side of the couch.

"New York is nice during fall, the Central Park..." Yeosang trails off once all three of you turn to stare at him. Wooyoung is glaring at his boyfriend.

"Wooooow, Yeosang, don't be so happy. I bet you just can't wait to see me go." You drawl out with a stoic face and you see Yeosang pale, quickly glancing at Wooyoung and blinking rapidly. You almost feel bad when you think he might cry.

Wooyoung laughs, pulling his boyfriend closer by the neck, "She's fucking with you."

Yeosang turns to you again like a deer caught in headlights and you glance at him before turning to the screen again.

"Not you just wanting me to leave so you can..." You motion with your chin towards your best friend who sits between the two of you with a shit-eating grin, "Just so you can do things to my Wooyoung, Yeosang."

Yeosang gapes at you, cheeks flushing red and you press your lips to stop the grin from showing as you go back to watching the TV. Seonghwa snorts but Wooyoung goes all out, almost throwing himself in your lap from laughter.

The sound of it makes your facade break and you let a small smile show once you see the look of pure happiness on Wooyoung's face.

Poor Yeosang, completely red in the face, glances between all of you before pointing at himself, "Me-" Then points to Wooyoung, "-doing things to him?"

"Hey-" Wooyoung tries to defend himself but the laughter overtakes him again.

"Y/N, your best friend is the literal Spawn of Satan." Yeosang deadpans, smacking Wooyoung's thigh who tries to pull him closer but Yeosang smacks him away again lightly, "I am the innocent one here who somehow gets caught up in all of his debauchery."

Seonghwa laughs loudly at that and you let out a laugh as well because you can definitely see that to be true.

"Oh, somehow gets caught up!" Wooyoung rolls his eyes at Yeosang, voice sarcastic. "Oh, okay!"

Once the laughter and teasing has died down, Yeosang leans back on the couch with a small grin, throwing you a glance that you pretend not to notice.

Two days later, you text Seonghwa.

You: new york sounds nice.

(One year later)

One room is the bedroom while the smaller one across the hall is designated for the art supplies, a big wooden sketching desk with papers thrown across it pulled up to the window, painting aisles leaning up in every corner and blank or filled canvases stacked up against the wall. A huge book shelf stretches across the wall filled with pencils and brushes all divided into neat jars and other art supplies lining the shelves below it.

The kitchen is a pretty marble green color with cooking books that she doesn't really touch that often stacked up in an open cupboard and a small shelf for spices that her best friend set up, especially for her. The counter is filled with whatever newest hobby is occupying her time, currently it's building Lego sets. Magnets on the fridge that she started to collect over time along with a postcard from Tokyo.

There are fresh flowers in a see-through vase on the dinning table made out of dark wood (it is used for most Friday night dinners, as they say she has the prettiest apartment now).

In the living room, her favorite show plays on the TV and there is a row of waxed autumn leaves from Central Park hanging above the big screen.

A cozy couch with mismatched pillows and a soft duvet for rainy days along with a coffee table and a colorful rug she got from her grandma as a housewarming gift. And another bookshelf, this one filled with candles, knick-knacks and souvenirs, an old CD player and an array of framed photos that appear all over the apartment.

Some with her best friend, arms thrown around one another in front of the Eiffel Tower, another one of the two of them cheesing at the camera. Some with her brother from the trip to New York. Some of her best friend and his boyfriend with her wedged in between, all three wearing bright smiles and eyes crinkled as they stare in the camera. Two side by side of a certain friend with orange hair, that she met when she was crying in a library, from her trip to Tokyo where she spent last New Years Eve.

There is one with her brother and her, one aged six and the other almost ten, cheeks smudged from chocolate and both having terrible haircuts that they'll get teased about relentlessly as they hug each other clumsily and smile for the camera.

Two big windows stretch across the other wall, the curtains moved to the sides and allowing the sunrays to seep inside along with the view of the park across the street and the market next to it, there is a lower shelf set up underneath the windows with a record player on top and filled with miscellaneous items like records, CDs, books, more candles and magazines.

The windows are wide open letting in the fresh morning air in, the birds chirp and there is laughter heard from kids heading to school so early in the morning.

On the wall next to the windows, there is a drawing framed.

It's her. The girl with smiles made out of rusty nails and little sparks of electricity coming from empty eye sockets. That's her place now. Only all of the moss covered parts, the rusty nails, the loose bolts and screws that she hid for so long are covered by marigolds, violets and daisies which daintily envelop each crevice, make each loose bolt stronger and replace missing pieces that aren't coming back.

She is whole now.

#san x reader #choi san x reader #mingi x reader #ateez angst #ateez x reader

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