#actually that's pretty funny it's very christian to call your catholic indoctrination camp 'colony' or 'school'

[transmascrage]

Man I just came to the realisation that the "summer camp" (in quotations because it wasn't like a typical summer camp anyway, it was only a week in a house in the mountains) my parents forced me to go every summer was literally a religious retreat. No wonder I hated it so much.

To be fair there were a lot of things I hated about it. First of all the fact that I was constantly around people, both because we were all under the same roof and because the adults needed to look after us.

And being an introvert I was always super tired all the time. But most of all I think it also meant I had to literally mask for an entire week non-stop.

Plus the kids that went to this thing were either the ones from religious families or the asshole sporty kids who wanted to spend time with their friends (or maybe their parents were sick of them). So I also had to mask extra carefully so I wouldn't be weird.

It was also a super gendered space. Boys and girls slept in different rooms (often the boys in one big room and the girls divided between the other rooms. Never the other way around, for some reason. Probably for the best for me though.)

Naturally all of the kids there were catholic or atheist. I did ask the adults if people of other religions could come once.

Not that there were any in my hometown. But I knew a Jehova's witness kid and I wondered if he could come. Of course, now I know his parents wouldn't have let him come anyways, but as a kid I had no idea.

They told me yeeeess, of course they can come :))))) but honestly a non-Catholic kid would have probably been really annoyed and confused at this camp.

We were divided in four groups. One group set and cleaned the tables for meals, one group cleaned the rooms and bathrooms (the worst), one group decided on prayers (the best because we'd choose random ones and go on our merry ways) and one group decided on the evening games.

The first group's chores were called "corvées" which is what peasants did in their lord's property in feudal times.

Appropriate name, because the entitlement with which some people demanded we brought them water or more food than others was infuriating.

Don't even get me started on how eating was pure torture because we couldn't decide on the menu and the textures were always bad bad bad. But no adult would take that as an excuse, so I (and my brother) had to finish everything on our plates while gagging or literally tearing up.

Sometimes a small business of swapping plates with a kind soul who really liked the dish was established, but it had to be done in secret because the adults didn't like that.

Before every meal there was a short prayer but at least it was fun because we got to bang on the tables and sing, right? Nope, too loud and scary for my stupid fucking brain.

Then after eating that group had to stay behind and clean up.

In both this and the group that cleaned rooms and bathrooms gender roles were reinstated again. Boys were also supposed to clean just as much as girls, but in practice they just stood around or went outside to play. The first few times I spoke up, then I gave up because nothing was done.

It's important to note that the adults with us were people in their early 20s, and way too few to look after us. Honestly I don't know how so many parents were comfortable leaving their children with maybe 10 young adults.

The cleaning duties were the worst because cleaning the bathrooms was disgusting as fuck. Sensory issues relating to smells + my weak stomach = hell.

During the morning we did activities relating somewhat to christianity. They usually were supposed to be metaphors for something Jesus said, but nobody except me actually gave a shit.

In the afternoon we played team games. This was one of the parts I hated the most because I'm super uncoordinated, and remember the active kids I mentioned earlier? Yeah they didn't like that.

Technically we were competing for a prize. Sometimes they did give a better snack to the winner or something. But the big prize was supposedly at the end of the week. I can't remember anything special about that prize so I guess it wasn't that great after all.

Obviously swearing was forbidden, but it's not like that stopped kids from doing it.

In the evening we'd sit in a huge circle pray and then...the games.

Usually it was things like "Wolves" you know, the game where you try to figure out who are the wolves.

But there was one traditional game. Dames and Knights.

Four girls got chosen and sat down on chairs. Four boys would come in and had to figure out who the girl they were paired with was. If they got it right they got a kiss, if they didn't they got slapped.

It was the yearly ritual of the popular kids. And also the humiliation round for the ugly girls. The snickers and gags from girls and boys were downright traumatic.

I only went through it once, the year I was "dating" (we were 9) a boy and another also liked me. It was extremely humiliating.

The rest of the years I got to watch the popular kids get cheered on and "oooh'd" at. Naturally it couldn't be two boys or two girls. Not that any openly queer kids would be acknowledged as queer here.

My anxiety got forged with steel in those rooms. One time, when I was very young, I peed myself because I was too scared to get up and ask to go to the bathroom. What if they all looked at me? What if I was bothering the adults with my question?

I used to get bored and drag my feet on the ground and imagine I was making invisible drawings on the ground.

Then we went to bed.

The worst days were confession day and walk day.

Confession day was when the town's priest would come visit and let us fess up our sins. We had to sit by ourselves in silence and figure out what we did that the Lord should forgive us for.

Then the priest would hold a mass. It wasn't mandatory to attend per se, but you did get bothered over and over by the adults until you went.

Walk day was when we'd hike up to the mountain. I'm not an athletic guy and I wasn't an athletic girl. I usually lagged behind. The cooks would give us our sandwiched for lunch, but we weren't allowed to choose if we wanted cheese, salame or ham.

And I. Fucking. Hate. Cheese.

The best moment was going home. I got to sit on the bus and zone out and daydream. We got our phones back (yeah, no phones allowed) and could finally check social media.

When I arrived my mom would always ask me "Did you have fun?" and I always said "No." and my mom said it hurt the counselors feelings when I said that.

And I can't give less of a fuck. Because every goddamn year I would say I didn't wanna go. And every year they ask, and beg, and insist and insist and insist until I gave in.

Insisting and insisting has been how people have always gotten me to do whatever they wanted. They bank either on me saying yes until they stop asking, and procrastinating until then because I really don't wanna do it; or making me feel guilty because I might hurt their feelings.

I always wish I could be more of an asshole to people. And I don't mean "be more assertibe", I mean tell them to fuck off and hope they die in a hole.

Unfortunately I always project how I would feel on them. And how that reflects on the communities I'm part of. Plus when I'm really mad I'm not even funny, I get really serious and cruel.

Anyways. Fuck religious retreats.