#accepting that i'm a paraphilic queerhet dyke has been a rollercoaster but i think i'm gonna be alright

[buriedunderdaffodils]

holy shit. life is amazing when you kill as much of your shame as possible and befriend whatever survives. i don't know if i've ever felt this genuinely happy.

i think the key is something along the lines of - step 1, realize that there actually ARE people like you, yes in THAT way, and that way too, and they're happy with the parts of themselves that you, in your own mirror, are ashamed of. there are people like you and they have a community and they're happy.

step 2, dip your toe into the community. maybe you get scared and back off. try again. repeat this process until you reach step 3 - saying fuck it and jumping in completely. you're really having fun now! but you're still carrying your shame.

step 4 is key: the realization that you would MUCH rather spend your time with people who don't judge you for those supposedly "shameful" parts - and they DO exist, you've seen it now, you've met them - than with those who pass judgement on you. you realize you've lived your whole life curled up in a ball, tangled up in knots, rigid and tense, always on the defense, while others like you... aren't doing that. they're happy. they're safe. you can be happy and safe too. you just have to surround yourself with the right people. people who see you as a real conscious valuable being and not an error, or a threat, or disgusting, or or or and and and. take a breath. take a deeper breath than you ever could with your knees pressed so tightly against your chest. you're okay. your existence is perfectly natural. and there are people who will ADORE you as you are.

of course, maybe you have people dear to you that you know would judge you, but they're still dear to you. maybe you still have to hide yourself from them, maybe that's a sacrifice you're willing to make (and you really aren't obligated to share those parts of yourself with them anyway!). maybe you still keep some defenses up, maybe you won't ever fully drop them. but you've found somewhere you can at least lower them. and it's more than you thought you'd ever get in your life. and, step 5, you start to make peace with what remains of your shame. maybe slowly, maybe not ever completely. but there IS peace. and you're happy. this is more than you ever thought you deserved. you're happy. you're gonna be okay.