#abuse and particularly the necessity of escaping it but that's a topic for another day

[avatarofwar]

i saw your tags of owl and honestly, you are so real and right for it, patricide is cool af and your rant about him was so true (i had the same thought too lol). going to hirata and seeing so many dead people and finding out later that owl was responsible for it (i spoiled myself lol), i had my blood boiling lmao. I haven't reached him but goddamn i am not ready to fight that bastard lol (i am a literal noob) and knowing in the shura ending that he beheads genichiro (my blorbo i love him lol), bruh i wanna kill him so badly lmao

First of all I'm going to state that I agree with everything stated in this ask, and even for the sole crime against your blorbo he deserves eternal suffering.

I'm also going to use this as a jumping off point for an unstructured rant about Owl (and particularly his crimes against my blorbo, who is definitely not made obvious by my Wolf icon). Also Owl is easily my most hated character in any media I have ever consumed and I genuinely cannot see any real life owls without thinking of him and being filled with a moment of blinding rage. This is not an exaggeration.

Putting this under a read more for mentions of abuse. Vague spoilers as well (assuming those are fine since you've spoiled yourself on some things, but trying to keep it vague to limit it just in case).

Prefacing this by stating that while I'll mostly use this as an excuse to rant about his dynamic with Wolf, I don't want to undersell the atrocity of the attack on Hirata Estate, so I'll dive into the rest of my thoughts after briefly touching on it.

This alone says a lot about him as a character. His ambitions for immortality through the Dragon's Heritage are the only thing of value to him. Everything he does is for this goal, and this night in particular highlights how much he values that and how little he values everyone else. The only thing that matters is what he wants, and he will use whatever methods necessary to achieve it. If the chance of immortality results in the deaths of an unstated amount of innocents, it is worth taking.

Ultimately he failed at his goal of achieving immortality through that, but it still important to note that it is still something he did. Owl likely could've come up with any number of plans that furthered his goal without killing innocents, and actively chose to forge his path on the bodies of others. They were all people who were just... living their lives. They aren't important and we know nothing about their lives, but that highlights the dismissive cruelty of Owl's actions; they are regular people of no importance to anyone in the story, and they were still dragged into this, their lives tossed away to further one man's ambitions.

Owl's only concerns are himself and his goals. Everyone else are simply pawns to be used and discarded. He desires immortality, and will forge it on a pile of corpses if need be.

There's more I can say about that night at Hirata Estate, but I don't know how much of that you've pieced together from spoilers so I'll leave it to be pieced together. But with that covered, I can move onto what I really want to talk about.

Owl is very explicitly an abuser. It is something the game makes very clear, and could only make more clear by saying it word for word (which isn't really how FromSoftware handles storytelling), even before his encounter at Ashina Castle (which only further proves it).

It is something made clear in the intro to the game! From the very start it is made very clear that Owl is someone awful, and even without knowing much about him it is clear that, at the very least, he is not someone you should like or trust.

Owl's treatment of Wolf is an extension of how he views everyone else; a tool for his goals and someone to be disposed of. Even with just the intro as your only knowledge of his character it is something evident.

The Iron Code is very blatantly a method of control Owl uses over Wolf, it is something intended not simply guide him, but to define him. His father's word is absolute, it is the first and most important rule of it, and it is simply a part of your introduction to the game and to both Owl and Wolf as characters. And it is something that defines Wolf, whose life for most of the game has simply been defined as obedience to it.

There's no sugarcoating the fact that Owl only ever sees Wolf as a tool to be wielded by him, and raised him to only ever be a weapon and to only ever see himself as one. This alone showcases that!

I could use this to go more into Wolf's dynamic with Kuro, but I'm going to abstain because that will take this in a different direction than I intend. Simply put, Kuro was one of the first people to see him as a person. It is something alien to him, when he is so used to being treated and seen as a tool by his father, when that treatment has resulted in Wolf holding that view of himself.

And then you encounter Owl at Ashina Castle. While Owl plays a significant role in how Wolf views himself, being his abuser, he has been absent from the game. And now here he is in all of his awful glory.

I feel it is worth noting that Owl is the only story relevant character towering over Wolf. Most of the height differences are relatively minor, but Owl is massive. To me at least (who has spent an unhealthy amount of its free time thinking about Wolf), this alone speaks volumes about their dynamic. Owl is this looming, ever present figure who is to define Wolf's life, and in comparison Wolf is someone insignificant, someone looked down on. Owl only ever looks down at him, because Wolf is someone utterly unimportant when he is not of any use to Owl.

This is also where you find out that Owl faked his own death. It is something so incredibly fucked up to deliberately lead your own son to believe you are dead, so of course it is what Owl does. Because of course his own goals have to include the most fucked up methods of causing the loss of innocent lives and leading your son to think you're dead. He is only ever thinking about himself and will screw over anyone if he believes it has a chance of benefiting him.

His whole encounter at Ashina Castle speaks volumes of how he sees Wolf, where he only ever gives Wolf orders he expects to follow, and when Wolf disobeys - when he chooses the direction of his life instead of simply obeying his abuser - he has the logical reaction of attempting to kill him. Because obviously the logical reaction to your son making a choice that doesn't prioritise you is to attempt to kill him!

I'll leave the pre-fight cutscene and the resurrection and death lines in the fight for you to discover, but suffice it to say they do a great job of showing how awful Owl is (and emphasising, you know, being an abuser). I will also add that his Japanese VA is fucking incredible and does such a good job at making him feel so so awful. Words cannot properly convey how great the line delivery is at emphasising Owl as someone utterly despicable.

Honestly this was somewhat nonsensical so I apologise for using your ask as an excuse to go on an unstructured rant but like I feel obligated to hate on him. I did not mean for this to be over 1000 words, and this isn't even fully covering everything I could say.

[legendofzeldaalinktothepast]

Pathetic, Clinging Poetry - Chapter 1 (of 25)

After escaping from the control of her mother, Pearl struggles to adjust to her new life. Her main source of comfort is an old composition notebook of poetry about her ex-girlfriend, and the possibility that she can find her again. 

Human AU. 

Trigger warning for implied abuse. 

Next Chapter 

*

When you embraced me, I felt like my feet could sink into the earth, And I was a flower who'd just sprouted. Yet I'd never been more free. 

*

Anxiety bubbled up in Pearl's chest as she glanced over to the backpack sitting in the corner of her room. She let out a sigh; she still couldn’t believe what she was about to do. Her heart ached for Peony, who she'd tried to convince to come along; but her sister insisted she couldn't bring herself to leave their mother all alone. Every now and then Pearl had considered staying behind just so Peony wouldn't suffer alone -- but she shook those thoughts off right away. She couldn't put this off any longer.

She rose to her feet and stretched, and then went over her mental checklist one last time. She'd packed just about all of the necessities, and enough bottled water and snacks to sustain her for the long car ride ahead. She'd deleted every photo and every last app on her phone; bringing it along only made it easier for someone to track her down, so she planned to leave it behind. All that was left was the tattered composition book Pearl stored beneath her mattress. Once she'd fished it out and slipped it into her bag, Pearl took a deep breath. 'This is not your fault. You wouldn't be doing this if you didn't have to. If she wanted you to stay, she wouldn't have given you so many reasons to leave.' Pearl silently reassured herself.

Slinging the bag over her shoulders, Pearl pushed her bedroom door open and tiptoed down the stairs as quietly as she could manage. A stair inevitably creaked here and there, but not loudly enough to wake anyone.

Pearl froze up once she reached the front door. She tried to reach out for the doorknob, but couldn’t bring her hand to move. Instead, she pressed her head against the door and let out a tiny whine. 'God, I wish I didn’t have to do this… Too late to change my mind now, though.' she thought, brushing a tear from her cheek. After finally pulling herself together, Pearl slowly turned the doorknob and pulled the door open -- flinching as it squeaked -- and stepped out into the chilly spring night. She locked the door behind herself -- hesitating one last time -- before she hurried out to her car and drove off.

*

The first night was unbearable; Pearl knew she shouldn't complain, though. Compared to many others in her situation, she was fairly lucky; she at least had a place to run away to. The couch wasn't even particularly uncomfortable, either; just the unfamiliarity of her surroundings and the chronic cold sweat from her anxiety made everything around her unpleasant.

She sat upright, smoothing out her matted hair; at least she was far away from her mother. That was what mattered more than anything. The sun began to shine through the window, and Pearl whined and buried her face back into her pillow. She'd probably gotten an hour of sleep, if she were to stretch it.

"You alright?"

Pearl flinched at the sudden voice, but she relaxed once she realized it was only Jasper. She was watching her from the doorway of the living room, a somewhat concerned expression on her face, a cup of steaming tea in her hands. "I wish I could say yes." Pearl responded, her voice just above a whisper.

Jasper reached for the string on the tea bag, moving it around in the cup. "Yeah, that's what I expected. And don't take this as me trying to bring you down, but don't expect to feel better right away. You're probably gonna feel like garbage for a while." she said; she took a sip from her cup and winced. "Ouch. There go my taste buds." she mumbled, blowing on the tea in an attempt to cool it off. "Anyway, once it passes –and it will,— you're gonna be glad you got yourself outta there."

Pearl sat upright, putting her head in her hands. "I really can't thank you enough for doing this." she said in an attempt to change the topic. "When I asked you if I could stay with you, I didn't think you'd say yes. I'd just been planning to live in my car until... I don't even know." she continued. "So... when you said yes, I really felt like I’d been blessed.”

"Pfft, please. I'm just doing what any decent human would if they could." Jasper said, setting her mug on the coffee table and sitting down beside Pearl. "Besides, it gets lonely around here. Sure, I've got my sister, but still. I've missed you."

Pearl couldn't help but blush. "Is there anything you'd like me to do while you're gone?" she asked.

Jasper shrugged. "I dunno. Don't burn the house down. Make some brownies or something."

"No, I'm serious! Give me a list of chores or something, I don't want to stay around here and be a burden on you!" Pearl insisted, clasping her hands.

"Pearl, just relax. You haven’t even been here for a whole day, and if I remember anything about you from high school, it's that you're clean as can be and eat like a bird. I don't think you're going to be a burden on either of us." Jasper said, resting a hand on Pearl's shoulder. "Just... chill."

Even though it should have been comforting, Jasper's stubbornness only frustrated Pearl. She got antsy when she didn't have anything to do... Even if there wasn't anything Jasper wanted from her, perhaps she could find something to clean or organize after she left… "...Alright. I'll focus on myself today -- or at least try to."

"Good. That's what I wanted to hear. I don't want you to do a single chore today, alright?" Jasper said, standing up and heading out of the living room. She stopped right in front of the doorway, glancing back at Pearl. "Except brownies. You should make brownies."

Pearl smiled and rolled her eyes. "Of course. I'll make my special recipe."

"Who the hell are you talking to at six in the morning?” a voice called from upstairs.

"Really, Ame? You forgot Pearl was here?" Jasper called. “I’m just making sure she’s comfortable before I go to work.”

"Oh, right." Amethyst peered into the living room from the top of the stairs, her hair a tangled mess. "Welp, I'm going back to bed, then. Nighty night, nerds."

"Nighty night, butthead." Jasper said. Once Amethyst had retreated back to her room, she turned back to Pearl. "On top of not burning the house down... Try to be quiet for Amethyst. She usually sleeps til noon and gets unbearable when she doesn't get her full twelve hours."

Pearl smiled. "I don't think that'll be a problem."

"I didn't think so either." Jasper said, continuing into the entry room and grabbing her coat from the closet. "Well, I gotta work now, as much as I'd rather stay here. Feel free to help yourself to whatever food we have. See you around four."

"See you later!" Pearl said, waving to Jasper as she headed out the door. Once she was gone, she flopped back down onto the couch and buried her face into the pillow, hoping to block out the sunlight that way. Talking to Jasper had helped her relax a bit, so maybe she’d be able to get a little sleep... The more she laid in silence, however, the more her mind was free to race, and she definitely couldn’t afford that. So she dragged herself to her feet and rubbed her eyes, groaning as she forced herself to stretch. Perhaps she could perk herself up with a little tea and catch up on sleep later...

* 

The sweet, chocolate scent of brownies filled the house; Pearl hummed to herself as she put on a pair of oven mitts and pulled the pan out of the oven, placing it on top of the stove.

"Oooh, watcha making?" Amethyst asked, her mere presence causing Pearl to jump in surprise.

"J-just some brownies." Pearl said, trying to hide just how much Amethyst had startled her. She didn't want to make her feel bad when she’d meant no harm… "They're for Jasper, but you're welcome to have some as well."

"Aw yeah!" Amethyst said with a grin. She grabbed a knife and cut out a huge slice of the brownie, attempting to scoop it onto a plate; but because it was still hot, it all fell apart into a pile of mush. She simply shrugged; "What matters is the taste, even if it's ugly." Amethyst said. She grabbed a fork from the dishwasher and sat down at the table, taking a bite. "Ouch, fuck, hot!"

Pearl stifled a giggle; what was with these two constantly burning their tongues? Did it run in the family or something? "Yes, well, it did just come out of the oven."

Amethyst rolled her eyes, taking a sip of water to cool her mouth off. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway." she began once she recovered, giving Pearl a curious-yet-teasing look. "So uh, what's your deal?"

Pearl was startled by the suddenness of her question; what was that even supposed to mean? "My... deal?"

"Yeah. I mean, Jasper didn't tell me jackshit about why you're even staying here. At first I thought you guys were banging or something, but then I wondered, why'd she make you sleep on the couch? Is it some obscure fetish I'm not aware of?"

Pearl blushed, cupping a hand over her mouth. "Dear Lord, no!" she gasped. Amethyst burst into laughter at the reaction, which only flustered Pearl even more. Amethyst apparently had no filter whatsoever... "She... Jasper allowed me to stay here because I needed to get away from where I was living. She was kind enough to give me a couch to sleep on."

"Mhm." Amethyst said once she recovered from laughing, wiping a tear from her eye. "And where were you living before?"

'She sure is nosy...' Pearl thought. "With my mother. A few states over. She was... very controlling. I couldn't stand to live with her any longer, so I ran away." Pearl said.

"Aw, that sucks." Amethyst said, taking another bite of her brownie; she looked a bit uncomfortable, as if she hadn't expected Pearl's answer to be that serious. "Sorry you had to deal with that shit. Also, these brownies are good as fuck."

Pearl tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, sitting down at the table across from Amethyst. She was somewhat thankful for the awkward change in conversation Amethyst had proposed. "Oh, thank you. I came up with the recipe myself! Or, well, I took another recipe and altered it until I thought it was perfect." Pearl said, resting her arms on the table and twiddling her thumbs. "Lots of chocolate chips is what makes them so gooey."

"I can tell. You're way better at this than Jasper." Amethyst said, resting her elbow on the table. "She always either burns or under-cooks her shit. You should give her cooking lessons." she teased, pushing her plate aside once she'd finished.

"Aw, well... I wouldn't want to be condescending." Pearl said, glancing to the side.

"Pfft. Not like she's never condescending." Amethyst said. "Also uh, I'm being super nosy again, and you can tell me to shut up if you want..." she began; Pearl tensed, praying Amethyst would have some common sense and not ask anything too intrusive. "But how do you know Jasper? Like, she's never mentioned you before. I mean, she barely tells me anything about her life, but I feel I’d at least have heard your name at some point. But it’s almost like she just pulled you out of thin air.”

Pearl couldn't help but let out a tiny sigh of relief. That wasn't the type of question she'd been expecting. "Oh, we used to be very close friends a while back. In high school, to be exact. But when I started doing home schooling instead, we sort of drifted apart. We hadn't really talked for years, up until a few weeks ago when I found her on Facebook." Pearl smiled softly. "As soon as she accepted my request, I explained my whole situation to her. I thought my chances were slim, that I'd have to just live in my car or something -- and it would have been completely reasonable for her to tell me no, so... I was really thankful when she said I could come stay with you two."

"Hm… That’s kinda weird of her. She never seemed like the type to just let an old high school friend come and sleep on our couch.” Amethyst said. "That said, she hasn't kicked me outta the house yet. But I guess I have an advantage because I'm her sister."

Pearl rose from her chair, tiptoeing over to the cabinet and grabbing a box of plastic wrap. "It's strange, because I don't even remember Jasper having a sister. How much younger are you?" she asked, covering up the tray of brownies.

"Like, three years. But I got adopted when I was fifteen and she was in her senior year of high school." Amethyst said.

"Ah, that's why I probably never heard about you, then." Pearl said, trying to hide her surprise; that would mean she was twenty three! Amethyst looked far younger than that, but perhaps she shouldn't have assumed. "I got pulled out of high school in the middle of my junior year -- I was a year ahead of Jasper."

"Lucky!" Amethyst said. "High school was absolute hell for me. I begged my parents to let me do home school, or at least go to a different school, but they insisted I stay right where I was." she pouted.

"Well..." Pearl began, but trailed off. She'd already overshared enough to Amethyst; she wasn't sure she was comfortable telling her the actual reason she'd been taken out of high school. "At least it's over now. I know high school can be hard. It wasn't exactly easy for me, either -- but I won't compare it to your experience, because I don't know what it was like for you. Still... I went through quite a bit of bullying for being a lesbian, among other things as well, b-but it was mostly because I was a lesbian. Jasper and my girlfriend, Rose, were the only friends I really had.”

"Yeah, I get you.” Amethyst said with a shrug. “I got treated like shit for being bi, too. Maybe not as bad as it could've been, though, because everyone knew Jasper was my sister and would beat the shit out of anyone who went too far. Still though, girls in my gym class always thought I wanted to fuck them whenever I breathed in their direction." She snorted, rolling her eyes. "It was so annoying... and honestly creepy. What's with homophobes thinking they're so hot?"

"Ugh, I know! That happened to me, too!" Pearl said, giggling. "It was plain ridiculous, honestly. The fact that I already had a girlfriend wasn't enough for them to believe I wasn't interested, I guess." Pearl shrugged, putting the tray of brownies in the fridge. She wasn’t sure where Jasper would prefer she put them, but she didn’t want to take up too much space on the counter. After that, she grabbed a wet wash cloth from the sink and began to wipe off the counter.

"Aww, look at you, cleaning up the kitchen like a good house guest." Amethyst teased. She peered into the sink, noticing it was empty. “You even washed the dishes already, dang.”

“Of course! I wouldn’t want to leave everything a mess.” Pearl said.

As Amethyst watched her, she tapped her fingers on the table for a few moments before speaking again. "So, what are you planning to do today?"

"Probably just... Focus on relaxing, I guess. And cleaning. Not that your house is messy, it’s very nice, it just – it distracts me from worrying." Pearl blushed, hoping that didn’t come off the wrong way. "After that, I might do some reading, and maybe even some job searching online if I get the chance."

"Pfft, that sounds kinda lame." Amethyst said. "You wanna hang out with me and some friends instead?"

"Oh, certainly not today. I don't think I would do well with a crowd... I'm still adjusting, I suppose." Pearl said, shyly wringing her hands. "But I appreciate the offer. Maybe another time we could work something out."

"Alriiiight." Amethyst said, as if she didn't fully believe Pearl's response. "But if you change your mind, just lemme know. I'll be up in my room now." she continued, going up the stairs.

"I'll certainly let you know if I do!" Pearl responded, but she had no intention of doing so. Amethyst seemed nice -- although a bit nosy at times, but with good intentions -- but it had been a little over a decade since she'd done anything close to "going out". If she were to ever consider doing something like that, it would have to be long after she'd adjusted to her new environment... 

[bottomofthecerealbox]

Journal excerpts bet. 30-31. December 2017

At the end of 2017, 2 days before the ‘new year’, I forced myself to recall some important events or changes that occurred within me in the span of said year. It was a year of healing and metanoia for me. Clearly, my rushed recollection implies a lack of cohesion in thought. I’ve maintained my run-ons, misspellings, among other grammatical errors and overlapping ideas. I hope that my sincerity provides some sort of consolation (for whom, I do not yet know, for this outlet of mine has yet any audience). 

I’ve narrowed it down to some important excerpts and have left out some stories in favor of the protection of my own identity and the avoidance of any misunderstandings about my own triumphs.

These were written in green ink on a colorful notebook with elephant crests in the middle of the covers of each side, given to me by a cousin, who purchased this during his stay in Thailand.

Ja. Staato.

“A year has passed since I last wrote in this. 2017 was indeed eventful, and was a positive and meaningful turning point in my short life. Today I sit in the lobby of Holiday Inn in Hong Kong, it’s 3-something P.M, we haven’t checked in, am severely dehydrated, and have slept on every chair and table pairing we’ve come across today (only this is the exaggeration). I find myself in another ‘family’ trip against my consent, where the middle class Filipinos go shopping, talk about money and people who aren’t present, kiss each other on the cheek out of gracious genetic obligation, and be with each other (and by that, take pictures with each other and post it in real-time online for other people to see how much fun you are having overseas). This part of life is still exhausting and exasperating, but I still possess no legitimate foothold in opting out of these things. This is an ala Sylvia Plath stream of consciousness kind of session--- as I haven’t written expressively since my last essay on the implied phenomenological experience of living with NSSI. I’ve missed thinking and expressing in [sic] this method. It also feels nice to run a pen through paper and make meaning/permanence of otherwise intangible thoughts in my head. It’ll be 2018 in two days, so I plan to reminisce as much as I can and get it on this notebook before then. My lips and throat are parched--- and our matriarchs are arguing for rooms. I get severe anxiety thinking about ‘being with’ my family on this side of the family.”

[end of page 1]

“I guess it’s a place where my eccentricities and humor aren’t palatable... “

“I started listening to music this year with little to no fear. Some songs would still induce tears, of course, but I wouldn’t be overcome with a burdensome emptiness which simultaneously throws its arms around my neck from behind and takes unsolicited piggyback rides, and crawls out of me from inside my chest. I’ve been listening to really fun and light-hearted Kpop music from SNSD and f(x)--- who have brought me much joy through their appearances in reality and variety shows, but face tradeoffs that place their health, safety, and capacity to contribute tin a very limited and compromised position. It makes me sad thinking”

[end of page 2]

“such bright, effervescent, hardworking, and well-meaning and good people must suffer against your will... And you don’t even know them! Just projections of themselves on the television made funny with extreme edits, CG, close-ups, and repeats. Music used to be associated with feelings/feelinglessness to me (When I felt viscerally burdened by such ‘feeling-inducing’ things, I was not sure if I was burdened with feeling [sic] that were suspended because I could not process them or if I was burdened by the paralysis of not being able to process feelings at all--- I did not know which point of emphasis burdened me.) Now I can listen and sing along, smile and cry. That is a miraculous achievement for me. I feel like I broke free from a chain I have long been shackled in...”

[end of page 3]

“In fact, I can say that I’ve felt happiness this year. i didn’t know I could feel these things again. I mean I have found things funny and give my share of hearty laughter, but to smile without force? I had no idea could [sic] be a possibility again.

Memories of abuse would creep on me from time to time. And that of course would plunge me into deep regret and sometimes self-loathing. I am still very much afraid that as long as my abuser continues to live, that he/she can continue to weave his/her version of history and that he/she will be charismatic enough to play victim again. I still fear running into hum/her running after me down a flight of stairs. I was running faster and he/she would be right behind me without any effort. He/she would wrap me in a hug without my consent and make it look like I’m crazy--- physically refusing someone who insists seemingly innocently that they would like to share their affection with you. I remember the other dream being worse, with another table turning stint. It scares me that I forget a lot of the details of these things--- not because I am not haunted by the vividness of pain, anxiety, harrassment [sic], abuse, and trauma but that one day I forget, and possibly forget the gravity and severity of the values of self-love, self-respect, dignity, healing, understanding, etc. in my own life. Or that” 

[end of page 4]

“the failure to remember such details do not render my pain and suffering credible.”

“... Garbage & objects pile up, and occupy far too much space in and outside the house. Even the house shows its [sic] weary as its seams begin to show--- cracks on walls and ceilings, leaks, ants, mosquitoes nestle themselves amidst it all...”

“Truthfully, a large character flaw that I possess still remains to be my clear lack of ambition and talent. Honestly, what good are inherent skills, intelligences, and adaptability when no such driving forces seat a direction or demographic of reception. I feel like a useless person from time to time.”

[end of page 5]

“My foot grew a half size bigger. I think.”

[end of page 6]

“I stopped impulsively buying books and food (occasionally clothes). Not only has the disgusting state of our home made me averse to possessing any more objects, but making money and working just shows you what your necessities are. In my mind, I always knew I didn’t need this many things, but I’ve recently implemented a stronger mindset that outright neglects useless purchases.”

[end of page 7]

“I lack diligence, focus, and goals and motivation. A lot of it stems from being politically detached. How can one be in solidarity with each other and intersect journeys to liberation when you can’t even position yourself [sic] in community or society?...”

[end of page 8]

“At the height of balancing both jobs, I experienced getting enough sleep but being so mentally and physically exhausted. My wrists & back hurt so much from transcription--- eyes too. My face aged a lot back then! I thought it was just because I was getting older (not that that isn’t true either).”

“... It was through learning about humanity through brilliant minds”

[end of page 9]

“and scholars that I was able to situate my own stance, opinion, and feeling towards my own existence in relation to my body, my thoughts, my experiences, interactions, place in family, society, world, and universe. I find that one must learn from one who has devoted his/her life to existential, societal, and phenomenological reflection. It takes time, patience, and arduous sifting and writing to coherently communicate/captures something so elusive and sui generis--- life. It is a humbling experience to read through the ponderings of philosophers, learn AND relate from/to [sic] them. They helped me understand my flaws better as well as cope with absurdities around me. I didn’t know what humanities and social sciences were before complaining about it. I know better now, but there is still much too much [previous 3 words are underlined] that I do not know. It was in these subjects or rather through research prompts that I found liberation in choosing topics and setting boundaries for myself. Essays were enjoyable for because I thought a lot, and essays gave me a prompt with legitimate enough consequences (fail/repeat) to get me to sit down, write them down, process them, edit, create flows and themes, and make sense of my experiences and ruminations--- especially”

[end of page 10]

“unpleasant ones. These were some of my first steps to healing from my trauma. This and In Retrospect [a song I wrote years ago] really put my feelings into words and situated myself amidst my own inability to cope, to move on, to remember who I was before it, to imagine a future where I am not constantly haunted...”

[end of page 11]

‘You think the only people who are people

Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the foot steps of a stranger

You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew’

-S. Schwartz ‘Colors of the Wind’

Yearbook write-up

No Picture

[in black pen]

5″2, 146 lbs. Hilf!

[end of page 12]

[skipped content of page 13, but basically you won a contest and watched all the Eiga Sai movies and also went to Japan for 8 days with your mother and friend]

“... [name of friend], Tea, YouTube, and KF gave me either temporary physical escapes or grounds for me to find a self that was free of my abuser.

This year, I think I only cut myself 1x or 2x. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t want to bruise myself or slice my skin open. I’ve landed a few punches and blows but not as much or as dangerously as before. My friends [I drop their names], among other acquaintances even, have been particularly kind and encouraging. I’m thankful.

[there is a line that runs down the left side of the page, starting from the first paragraph and connecting to this one with an arrow] speaking of tea--- I seem to have a teaware collection nowadays. I LOVE HOUJICHA TEA. [the previous sentence is underlined in a jagged zigzag] 

I’ve mostly preferred to do things on my own--- that has been true since as long as I could remember. However this preference became an obsession after abuse. As a counter-action to the loss of control I had [sic] almost every aspect of my life, I withdrew, and did”

[end of page 14]

“what I could on my own and lost trust in every person I knew and reserved none for anybody I was to meet. I became a recluse with my feelings and became too stoic to be understood or sympathized with. I appeared too cold to approach, but I needed love. Now I am more comfortable involving others in my activities (even though I can do it myself). I am still ‘careful’ though. I’ve become more nonchalant in my expressions of love--- and distribute words and gestures of the sort freely nowadays. you never know when you will die. you never know when others around you will die. The lack of reciprocation does not threaten my pride.”

[end of page 15]