#about why i've cried so hard over someone i can identify as a workplace crush and leaving

[hunkydorkling]

Spotify's open and is playing some 70s-80s sap, overlaying my current bittersweet symphony of feelings that I thought would be kinder to me when I went to the co-working space for: a) at least one onsite bonding with the colleagues, b) to sell some stickers lol, and c) to send David off since it's his last official day with my company. I was already crying at 4PM while I was sketching some logo studies for our upcoming event's area design, and I was crying, right, then my boss comes up and talks to me about her 2019 Japan photos she happened to repost on Instagram, how a number of them were homages to The Garden of Words' beautiful framing and cinematography, how it was snowing in Spring sometime in April when it should've been cherry blossom season. Anyway, she leaves as soon as I stood up to throw out the sauce for my food.

I continued to cry-bawl-sniffle when I talked to David intimately about why he's leaving, actually, why so abrupt, how was I supposed to know he'd been feeling so desolate about being in esports for 11 years when I've only known him for about a year and some change and I feel like I've known him my whole life in such a short amount of time. He's a big guy but he wanted to cry as he tells me the lowest point wasn't because of the good people in our company, despite the setbacks and challenges, but because he needs to know all of this is worth it. And so the job offer comes to go multinational, and he's immediately validated and needed, and this goal of his, talking about it, came from the heart... but tears were still streaming down my cheeks as I dab a ball of tissue on either side.

Anyway, there's a whole segment of parting words in the smallest room we could be in out of the entire co-working space, I managed to be spoken to last, I got to hold his hand for what feels like solidarity, but I wanted him to feel? like I'm with him. Excited for him.

And then we wrapped up the workday with some soju and lemon soda, which I only managed to get about two small cups of before I started to float in tipsiness. I only got 3 hours of sleep, see. I was also beaten with so much emotion for David that I had to talk in seesaws. Now it's time for me to leave. I give everybody a hug and ended with giving him a really tight one, arms around this big bear, as he reassures me we can still talk. The way I raised my head up at him and away quickly was the only way I can say, yeah, sure. Live your life first then maybe I can consider if I should even come out to you and tell you I've had a crush on you ever since we stepped into the same bookstore after we've carried out an ocular with the team. Ever since you told me some stuff from the rule book during FG tournaments, at our actual event last September. Ever since you told me how much fun you had roleplaying as a way to amass virtual coin sometime ago, which made me laugh as we shared a drink at the tiki bar last Christmas party.

I just feel like I didn't get to properly get to know him, and how it's, I don't know, a little too late to be telling him that now that he wants to pursue his dream of changing the esports scene outside of this place. And he'll never know. He will never know I've liked a David this much the way I did/do with him.