#a terrible terrible idea whether you're making a blog or a youtube channel

[ruffoverthinksthings]

I'm dying to know about the interactions between Claudine and Phoebus. Knowing them, I feel that it would be a mixture of hilarious hashing about life and routine vs. a hit-and-miss about the best courses of action regarding the VKs. After what Claudine's gone through, how would Phoebus' humor be effective? Especially with Claudine. Btw, you're awesome, keep on turning out the headcanons. You're doing better than the actual canon material.

God Help The Outcasts (Part 3): The Traitor

Warning: Referencesto Past Sexual Abuse.

Claudine’s bigpublic outburst obviously had massive consequences, reaching far pasther getting dragged off-stage, the sanctions on her permanent recordand her probation in Auradon, and extra Remedial Goodness classeswith Quasimodo.

On a larger scale,it opens up a massive rift in the public, split between those thatsay she was completely out of line for exploding like that and usingso much profanity and rudeness (in front of children, no less), andthose that believe she was completely justified, as they had beenusing the “proper channels” to communicate with the governmentand had either gotten apologies before being ignored, or wereoutright oppressed as with the case of the Magic Ban.

In the words of oneof Claudine’s sympathizers, “She was just making sure youcould hear her now!”

Either way, she’scharged with disruption of the peace, obscenity, and corruption ofminors.

Because of thespecial and highly politically charged nature of a VK being taken infor a crime/s,* she gets sent to a very high ranking member of theRoyal Guard who has experience handling “crossing a minefield,whilst blindfolded, dizzy, and drunk” cases:

Captain Phoebus ofFrance.

For logistical andconvenience reasons, he flies in all the way to Auradon Prep, wherethey meet at the interrogation room of a local garrison. The air ismusty, the furniture old and long unused, and the whole place wasobviously just cleaned since its last use a couple of months to ayear back.

Claudine is escortedin without handcuffs, and at Phoebus request, her guards aredismissed, leaving the two of them alone but for the camera, and thestenographer and emergency guards watching behind a one-way glass.

“Do you know whyyou’re here?” Phoebus asks, his expression and tone completelyserious.

“Because I calledout your whole society on their bullshit?” Claudine replies.

“No, you’re herebecause of your fashion choices: it’s illegal to show thatmuch skin. Do you realize how many pedestrian and vehicularaccidents you could have caused just by walking by?”

Claudine blinks.“What.”

Phoebus smiles.“That was a joke. In all seriousness, though, you are in bigtrouble for that tirade you had yesterday—excellent choice ofwords, by the way, never heard those specific combinations of cursesand insults before, they made quite the impact.”

“You learn a loton the Isle,” Claudine replies flatly. “And I’m not apologizingfor it, if that’s what you’re getting at! Throw me back on theIsle for all I care, I’d rather be back there eating garbage, thanbe a bunch of fucking Pharisees like majority of the ‘Good’people running around here!”

“I expected asmuch, which is why I’m here to offer you a deal.”

Claudine sighs, andstarts unbuttoning her shirt even more than it already is. “So longas I don’t have to swallow, pretend you’re amazing, or fake anorgasm…”

Phoebus looks awayand shields his eyes. “Not that kind of deal! Please, buttonyour shirt back up.”

Claudine laughs.“Why? Afraid your wife will find out her tits have gotten too oldfor you?”

“No, because one,I respect you too much to let you degrade yourself like this, two, Ilike being the guy that puts people into jail, not being the guybehind bars, and three, my wife’s breasts are perfect, andI’ll never want for anything more than what she has, thank you verymuch!

“Now would youplease make yourself decent again…?”

Claudine sighsheavily. “Alright…”

A few moments ofsilence and shuffling.

“You’re stilltopless, aren’t you?”

Claudine smirks.“How’d you know?”

“I’ve got asixth sense for whether or not a woman is in a state of undress;blame a wife who likes to lounge around the house completely naked.”

“You luckybastard, you,” Claudine says flatly.

Phoebus smiles. “Iknow, I still can’t believe it myself! Anyway, about that deal Imentioned, one that does not in fact involve you getting naked nor usdoing the do-diddly-dangeroo…”

Claudine sniggered.“That is the dumbest fucking innuendo for ‘fucking’ I have everheard.”

“Ah, but it madeyou laugh, didn’t it?” Phoebus says, pointing a finger at her.

“Only because itwas so offensive I have to laugh to keep myself from dyinginside.”

“Touché, but Istill count that as a win. Now, do I throw out some more jokes andtry to make you laugh, or do you want to get serious and hear out myoffer?”

“I can’t takeyou seriously if you can’t even look me in the eyes, ‘Captain,’”Claudine says playfully.

“I will onceyou’ve put your clothes back on.”

Claudine sighs.“Fine.” A brief moment of silence and more shuffling. “I’mcovered up now! Seriously this time.”

Phoebus carefullyopens his eyes, and is pleased to find she’s about as decent as shecan get with her get up. “Happy to see you didn’t pull a ‘madeyou look!’ on me.”

“Trust me, it’sonly because I want to know what it is you actually want fromme…”

The plan is rathersimple: an hour’s detention after-school Monday-Friday, wherePhoebus is supposed to teach her how to interact with people in apolite way, keep her cool, and not have another outburst or rant likethat, either in social media, in public, and especially anothertelevised event.

“I understandwhere you’re coming from,” Phoebus says on their first meeting.“Everyone talks to everyone, and the internet makes that easierthan ever. But that doesn’t mean you should just say whatever is onyour mind, and more importantly, that you don’t reply to everyonethat talks to you, those who insult you especially.

“And moreimportantly, you have a secret weapon on your side: Part One of ourBig Master Plan.”

Claudine raises hereyebrows. Images of IP traces, royal guards bursting down doors, andinternet trolls pissing their underwear come to her mind. “I’mlistening…”

“This secretweapon, the most powerful move you have against your Pharisees, oneyou can rely on to be 100% effective when used properly, is this:

“Ignore them.”

Claudine stares athim. Then, she scowls. “Are you shitting me right now? Sowhat, I just let their shit-talking stink up my air, never give themcrap back for their bull?”

“No, and beforeyou continue, let me explain: a lot of people don’t realize this,but insults only have the power to hurt you if you let them. YourPharisees are like vampires, sucking out your self-worth, confidence,and good feelings, but also like vampires, they can only hurt you ifyou invite them into your house.

“Your reaction iswhat the Pharisees want—they want to know that they hurt you, thatthey riled you up so bad you find you have no choice but to payattention to them.

“If you deny thempermission to ever enter your front door, they’ll just glare at youthrough the windows, yell at you to let them in, before they leaveand find someone else to feed on. In my experience, they’re reallynot that picky.”

“But even if Idon’t let them in through the door to bite my neck, I can stillhear them through the walls; it may all be bullshit, but it stillfucking hurts, you know…?” Claudine says with much lessbite.

Phoebus eyes soften.“I know. Trust me, I’ve been where you are. But that’s a storyfor another time, as we’re going to move to step two of our BigMaster Plan:

“Be a betterperson, with better problems.

“Find people whoseopinion you should listen to, who you need to listen to, and willwant to listen to. Think of reading troll comments on YouTube, vsreading a really good, well-reasoned blog-post as the differencebetween gorging on potato chips, vs a nice, baked potato with chivesand gravy.

“One, you canreally savour and enjoy, the other, you just shove into your mouthwithout a second thought—baked potato’s healthier for you, too.”

The two take a quicktrip to a vending machine, before resuming.

“So what’s step3 of the Big Master Plan?” Claudine asks as she settles in with apack of Oreos.

“You removeyourself from your Pharisees,” Phoebus replies as he opens up a bagof nuts. “Get out of their circles and comment threads. Keep yourdistance, and just observe. Watch how they talk, act, and/or screaminsults into the void, hoping someone will take offense and engagethem.

“Then, askyourself: ‘Why?’

“Why do they dothis? Why you specifically? Why do they spend so much of theirprecious time and limited days on this world to bother you?”

Claudine nods. “Andis step four confronting them, now that I know my enemy?”

Phoebus shakes hishead. After swallowing his mouthful of nuts, he says, “No, that’sstep five; four is to go out and compliment people, engage in realconversation, and civil, reasonable, fruitful debate. Acquaintyourself with how people really talk when they want to make aconnection with someone and exchange ideas. See what it’s like whenyou don’t reduce yourself to sound-bites, mean flits, and memes.

“Maybe even havethem face-to-face.

“And this is wherewe get to step five: return to your Pharisees. Ask them, why do theydo what they do? Why the hate? Don’t they have anything betterto do with their lives?

“This iscompletely optional, by the way, but whether or not you do it, everytime you find yourself tempted to reply to a stupid insult onStorybook, just repeat step one.”

To help with this,he teacher her all about humour, “the art of making something funout of terrible, awful things.”

He relates to herhow incredibly tense things were immediately after the Great Uniting.Before, when it was just communications through rifts in reality andthe occasional ambassador, it was all good will, excitement, andbeing on their best behaviours, “like all the different realms weredating each other.”

“The Great Unitingwas all of them getting married and moving in together, and formajority of the people, this is when the reality finally hit themthat they’d have to live with each other, every single day ofthe year, for the rest of our lives.

“Metaphoricallyspeaking, we had to share our bathrooms, see each other when we wokeup in the morning before a shower, pants, and a nice strong pot ofcoffee, and be keenly aware of all our bad habits, our flaws,and whenever we indulged in our, ahem, baser pleasures.

“It was a roughtime, even with the translators to help smooth the transition intoEnglish.

“Sometimes, it’d actually make things worse when atranslator decided to soften, change, or completely cut out the badparts of whatever a Grecian said to the woman from Corona, and theyhappen to have a bilingual friend who could tell them what theyreally meant.

“The honeymoon wasover, and lots of people were having regrets. They were feelinghomesick, and even if they had literally brought home with them,Auradon definitely wasn’t the Kansas. Things were lookinglike we were headed to a divorce, and an ugly one at that.”

“Did things everget to the shouting and breaking dishes level?”

“For some, yes.But that was inevitable and expected when you pulled off something asbig, complicated, and messy as this. The rest, however, we had todefuse before things really got ugly, with the one universallanguage all of us could understand:

“Humour.

“I’ve yet tomeet a culture that doesn’t like to laugh—and if they don’t,Beast and the others passed them over for the final list.

“Using comedy wasthe perfect tool. It defused tensions, it broke the ice, it letpeople find something they had in common so we could start buildingbridges there. And as a wise man once said, ‘If your enemy isdoubled over in laughter, he can’t club you to death.’”

Claudine smirks. “Ibeg to differ, but I get the point…”

Phoebus becomes aguide, a protector (for both external aggressors and Claudine’sworse impulses), and a third regulating force in her life, a properfather figure for her whom she frequently hangs out with every otherSunday to go out and bond, be her chaperon for when she starts datingagain (and seriously, this time), and being one of the people she canalways call when things go wrong.

She also calls him for advice, and often times, when he catches wind of her getting into trouble, offers helpful advice, like this one tacked onto the end of many lengthier pieces: “… But most importantly: don’t punch anyone in the dick, or where they would have one if they’re female.”

The humour helps her get over her natural distrust of authority, seeing as that’s what caused and enforced the Isle, and Maleficent’s guards aren’t saints themselves, or follow much of a “code of honour.” Claudine often timescalls him when she can to ask him to tell a joke. One of them isthis:

“One day, a nunliving in a convent in a forest comes across a hunter trying to bagsome deer. As she gathers herbs and berries, she watches as thehunter nocks his bow, takes aim, and misses.

“’Goddammit, Imissed!’ the hunter cries as his prey gets away.

“’Oh mygoodness, what foul language!’ the nun says to herself. ‘God,please give this man the strength, so he may never take Your name invain ever again.’

“Later, the nun isgetting some water from the river, and she sees the hunter trying tobag some deer again. Again, he nocks his bow, takes aim, and misses.

“’Goddammit, Imissed!’ he cries as his prey gets away yet again.

“’Oh mygoodness, what a horrible man!’ the nun says to herself. ‘God,please show this man why you do not take Your name in vain!’

Suddenly, the skydarkens, clouds roll in, and a bolt of lightning comes shooting downfrom above, striking the ground just beside the hunter!

Then, they hear adeep, rumbling voice echoing all throughout the forest:

“Me-dammit, Imissed!’”

* The Rotten Four’s“forgiveness” at the end of the first movie was not nearly asclean and quick as was portrayed in canon.