#a bugs life FUCKS so severely and im tired of everyone sleeping on it

[ghost-of-the-machine]

or.. ill be upset about something else. i feel angry

i make too many excuses for everyone in my life. you ask them to walk all over you if it makes them feel better. i let you

im allowed to be a little spiteful, im allowed to be bitter!!!

its just. id say? bpd gives me the most problems like. even the whole. brain not put together thing is less cumbersome than that shit. what a painful way of life, so extreme and tiring.. it rips me apart and then puts me back together so suddenly, im high off the buzz until its ripped away from me again. thats how everything feels, it makes me want to just... sleep. for a very very long time

like most if not all disorders, its not my fucking fault i have to live like this, its theirs. im glad i was born... because i wouldnt be where i am now and i dont want to think about that. but? you couldnt have spared me a little time? ive been so violently aware of myself and all my flaws since i was little, like. LITTLE little. between offhand comments that i overanalyzed religiously and based my sense of self on, to just. being ALONE. that was no place for a kid to grow up. dark and dingy and cold and there was bugs everywhere and. there wasnt always someone to make food for me, i got food poisoning so many times cuz you cant let a fucking 7 year old cook for himself with no supervision? 'cook' is a generous word, id literally just grab cold shit from the fridge and eat it. several times i drank alcohol on accident cuz there was just water bottles full of alcohol left around my house. and lord, was it dirty.. not to mention the blood. and the violence, and screaming.. and they wonder why im the way i am now? i feel... ruined. it makes me angry. couldnt you have saved me from all of that? couldnt you have made it better for me? i was just a child, what could i have done? i did the most, though. put myself in front of others, learned to protect and . it was really naive of me, obviously these grown men arent scared of a little girl. but i tried, because everyone seemed like they needed someone to take care of them. i mean.. thats why they didnt take care of me, right? they needed it more! surely 💀

i got taken away by cps when i was really little, its one of my earliest memories. it was like a dream, every memory is like a dream to me.. but i remember that apparently, the agent on our case was corrupt or something, said we didnt have food when we did, etc and got us taken away on purpose. i think thats true, shes mentioned a case in the newspaper about it, but. my mom didnt want to give me up again. it took till i was about 8-9 before she finally sent me to live with my grandma again. maybe i wasnt there for very long, but... i am permanently altered 🥳🥳 YIPPIEEEE!!!!!

honestly it sucks. my dad is in jail where he belongs, ive never missed him a single day in my life, but.. i remember after, the only times id see my mom was brief visits at like. a facility. and i thought it was fun because there was places for me to play. it makes me.. really sad thinking about it now. i was about 4-5 around this time. idk. im not really angry anymore, im just sad now. i mean ill always be angry, but that just means ill always be sad too

so much... disruption. moving all over and leaving my friends behind, struggling to make new ones cuz . oh no1!1 that boy is developing attachment issues, i wonder where this will lead!!!! i latch on like a parasite to anyone i fall in love with, because im scared to be disrupted again. im scared itll be taken from me because everyone LOVES taking things away from me. my stability, my happiness, my family. my everything, just ripped away over and over again. no wonder bro doesnt know who he is!!!!!!!! what a waste.

[harriedwritings]

 ( pay no mind to this i just needed to v/entbl/og a lil i should really look into a sideblog or sth for that but im way too lazy )

ah. i see what’s happening now. this is one of those ‘drop into a fog of depressed fugue immediately following several weeks of high-stress socialisation’ things isn’t it

i mean it’d make sense? bc like during that time i got into like, routines and patterns and stuff and then when i got back, said routines fucked off, like? it’s easier to maintain a ~life~ when u know what day it is or at least everyone there thinks it’s the same day, like, when u have a dog to walk or family food to make or w/e,, but i got back and i could finally relax bc i’d been so stressed out but the thing is i sank into the cavernous embrace of my bed and got too tangled in the bedsheets to get back out

and i know im not talking to people as much rn, and i have actual, legit work to do, and i have adult things to take care of like council tax and storage units and i think i had a stomach bug if the way i passed the fuck out in the bathroom mid-throw-up on saturday night is any indication, and like? i guess it doesn’t help that i live with my brother, who i love to bits but lbr he entertains a lot, and i don’t even like leaving my room when he’s out there on his own when im feeling unsociable, but there were people over saturday and on friday and for a bit on sunday and i left my room earlier and????

it’s just the fact that he’d got a productive whim and like he replaced all our cutlery w matching shit and he cleared out a bunch of crap and reorganised the shelves and threw out shit he hadn’t seen in months and hadn’t missed and it was noisy and gross and i stayed in my room bc no but im just? he was productive and im? idk i just wonder sometimes if i got the neuroses of our combined parents and he got the good bits and w e h

im just having a prolonged sad and i dislike it, like,,,,it’s been a Long Time since the last one idk what happened rly, i thought i was ov e r this shit but here i am and time has lost all meaning in the worst possible way and im so fucking tired i want to sleep but i ca n ‘ t, but i don’t have the drive to do literally anything else so i guess,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,fjdsh

[hxrryspotter]

its july 21st, the past 8 months ive had a rare amount of social activity, leaving the house, doing anything with my life. now im afraid when i do leave the house so i end up just not going out. my depression has gotten even more severe that my body is failin on me, cant eat much so i get weak, i sleep way longer than im used and everytime I walk now i nearly trip over myself down the stairs and half the time i end up dropping things im holding at home bc my hand cant even hold onto something properly anymore. i stopped taking my meds ever since i had the stomach bug and i hqvent even gone back on them and it's been weeks but like, whats the point anymore??? they weren't working in the first place. i hate that i have to rely on something to boost me up when it never does. people always have an excuse for me on why im feeling so down, feeling to tired and weak, its always something abt physical symptoms and iron levels but its like they just don't wanna admit im unwell. getting a blood test isnt going to reveal how much i wish i was dead every fucking minute im awake. and then when they realize, oh yeah its a mental thing, once again, meds arent going to work, therapy cost too much money, talkin with my psych feels pointless, and soon they'll all just realize what a lost cause i am. bc i am one. and no, its dumb to say that things will always end up working out bc sometimes they dont, not for everyone. and it doesnt even matter, i mean, i dont even matter so i really dont understand. im like a broken record on here, always sayin im gonna kms but lmao u kno what? that's exactly how im gonna go