#You'd think work would distract me but no! Just sitting in barn staring at horses biting each other and thinking holy shit I'm depressed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fragglerockopinions · 2 years ago

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I'm in so much pain it's embarrassing. I'm going to look back on these memories of me writhing alone too afraid to sleep biting my knuckles crying about nothing and laugh.

#It's not nothing but it kind of breaks the rhythm and sound repetition to rephrase it as ptsd nightmares dunnit #Okay so the good thing is I am no longer emotionally constipated.#The bad thing is now I can cry and also I haven't felt joy and safety in forever 😐😐#You'd think work would distract me but no! Just sitting in barn staring at horses biting each other and thinking holy shit I'm depressed #I'm so broken that while I was crying last night I felt an urge to go to my parents' room and cry to them #Like holy shit what is wrong with me #No amount of possible comfort from my dad is worth the screaming and disgust from my mom #We had a 'talk' about my mental health aka me avoiding the subject entirely and them going yep you are fine and also you're disgusting #Shave your legs you're making everybody sick and that's why you have no friends #But I did bring up the possibility of me needing to see a psychiatrist #Because of you know the ptsd #But as always they were like 'you were at that school for three months cmon it couldn't have changed your life'#Woman. Sir. I was 12 my brain was still new and I was just gaining sentience #And as soon as I became my own person I get held to a chair and beaten up like in a fuckin gangster movie #Forced to get naked in a room with hateful little girls laughing at me for getting beat up #Who all think I'm a dangerous predator lesbian who's going to kidnap them despite being 12 and 4'8 and #those little girls talked about how they wish their hot stepbrothers would touch them #But I was the predator because I had short hair :(( ?????#It's always my fault for getting beaten up and my fault for people wanting me dead and being disgusted with my existence #I was beaten up because I was annoying I was s/a'd because I was ugly I was abandoned because I was and am repulsive #Man #Fuck the guy who said he would rescue me from this and didn't. I'm not just magically not being abused now that I don't talk to you anymore #In fact it's so much worse enduring abuse when you don't have any friends to talk with or escape to isn't it!!! That's weird huh!!!!!!

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