#You think 13-year old me in the year 2008 had any interest in this middle aged man? OF COURSE NOT

[moongothic]

do you have favourite Crocodile face?

the one he makes at the end of chapter 540, vol. 55 is seared straight into my soul. he almost went }:3 and I cannot deal with it like a normal human being. I love his facial expressions, those sad eyebrows are *chef's kiss* 💚🐊

Ah yes, this one, right?

It's a hilarious expression and definitely an underrated one kjshdfjgkghf Like we've seen him smiling plenty of times before this, with that classic evil grin we all know and love, so something about this panel is so funny to me, like if it wasn't for the hollow look in his eyes he'd look almost mischievous here and I love that. He's up to no good and he knows it dsjkfhgshdfghkdjf

IDK if I have a favorite expression from Crocodile, typically my favorites are just the really meme'able, funny expressions and this man does not have any of those to offer (which is fine really), and really every panel he appears in during Impel Down + Marineford are fantastic, Oda kept us so well-fed

I think I'll give a shout-out to this panel though, because while I think this man was already irreversibly changing my brain chemistry (while I was falling down the Crocodad Rabbithole and re-reading Marineford obsessively), I think this is the panel that finally kind of broke me

Like I think it was this panel (from chapter 577) that finally made me go "wait, am I losing it or is Crocodile kinda handsome" lmfao

[andromeda-sapphire]

Are you ready for Pluto in Aquarius for the next 20 years? 🙃

I am a Capricorn rising, so Pluto has been haunting my 1st house since 2008. And man, I have some thoughts…

I won’t get too into my Pluto 1st house experience, because it deals with some very triggering things. I will briefly go over the timeline of the transit for me though… and some things I’ve noticed about Pluto in this long-term experience.

My Pluto in Capricorn Transit Experience

(TW: s*xual a$s@ult)

In November of 2008, around Thanksgiving here in the US, Pluto had just entered Capricorn.

At the time, I was 13 years old, and right as Pluto entered Capricorn, an older man began grooming me. By February of 2009, the physical abuse began.

This continued, and had severely damaging effects on me. During the 16-year span of Pluto’s transit through my 1st house, between November of 2008 and this November (2024), I had been s*xually abu$ed by 24 different men, some of them several times.

I have 3 planets (Sun, Mercury and Venus) in the first two-thirds of Libra, so Pluto was forming some pretty intense squares for me for a long time.

But something particularly interesting happened in 2018, when Pluto was beginning to transit very closely over the degree of my Ascendant in Capricorn. That is when I met my first long-term boyfriend. On our very first date, he bought me this ring in the photo above, which has little planets on it and says “I miss Pluto” (in reference to Pluto being demoted from planet status previously). He knew I was very interested in astrology (we had talked about it briefly when we met) but he didn’t know about the Pluto/Ascendant transit I was having at the time.

I didn’t think too much of all this at first. I loved the ring and wore it often. As the relationship progressed though, he became more and more abu$ive. Emotionally, physically, financially, all of it. After dating for 4 months, I moved in with him after my previous living situation became more difficult to manage. He slowly isolated me from my friends, my family, and any support network I had. After dating for a little over a year, we moved away from the town I had been living in for the last 6 years, to a small and somewhat remote place, where I knew nobody.

Almost immediately after we moved, I began to feel in my gut like I needed to get away from him. I tried to break up with him and leave several times. But every time, he would love bomb me and lure me back. Eventually, after the pandemic began in early 2020, I called my dad crying and asked him to come get me. (I did not have a car back then) My dad drove 8 hours the following day to come pack my stuff into his car and brought me home with him.

And even though I was “free,” I wasn’t quite rid of him yet… my ex and I continued an on-and-off long-distance relationship for a little over a year after I left. Later on, after Pluto had moved away from my Ascendant, I was able to cut ties to him completely.

I have heard many times from different astrologers that major transits like this often appear as people symbolizing that planet entering your life.

Pluto is a planet related to power — power struggles or reclaiming your power — and control. For me, with Capricorn in my 1st house, ruling the physical self, it manifested as a series of power struggles over control of my own body. The 1st and 7th houses (the Ascendant/Descendant axis) relate to the self vs others. Me vs them. I was seemingly at war with men constantly, fighting for control over my body.

Pluto Transits Generally

Pluto transits through a sign are incredibly difficult. Pluto forces you to transform, whether you want to or not, and even though after the transit is over, you may be truly thankful for the lessons you’ve learned and hardships you’ve overcome — when you’re in the middle of it, it is extremely hard. And it takes a LONG time for Pluto to pass through a sign, so a lot of the time you won’t even really know what is happening or how it will turn out until it’s in the past.

One thing I have noticed with Pluto transits though, is that Pluto makes itself known pretty clearly almost immediately, as soon as the ingress into the new sign. With my Pluto in Capricorn timeline, the abu$e I endured as a kid began almost immediately as Pluto entered Capricorn.

Thoughts on Pluto in Aquarius (Globally and Personally)

I honestly don’t know how this transit will manifest for the collective over the next 20 years… I can feel some sort of revolutionary shift coming, but I am also aware that revolutions don’t happen overnight, nor are they easy. Pluto is intense. It destroys what exists to make room for new things. You have to face that destruction before you can build anything new.

For me personally, I had a bit of an interesting “first day of Pluto in my 2nd house” yesterday, and it gave me some immediate hints at my next Pluto journey. For a little while now, I’ve been dealing with a financially abu$ive situation, but I didn’t recognize that’s what it was just yet. After a major mental health crisis in 2016, I added my mom as a signer on my bank account. Recently, she has been abusing that privilege… so I had a massive panic attack in the break room at work yesterday, after getting a text from her regarding my finances. I didn’t realize until later yesterday evening that Pluto was in the process of moving into Aquarius at the same time I made the decision to go to my bank after work and close my old account and start a new one. I just kept thinking, “I need to take control of my finances, like NOW.” (What a transiting Pluto in 2nd house thing to say!!)

I think for me, I can already see a theme emerging for the next 20 years — it will be a theme of becoming more financially literate and stable. I’m sure there will be other issues that come up too, but this is the first theme that seemed to make itself known to me yesterday as Pluto ingressed into Capricorn.

Anyway, for those of you with Aquarius/Leo/Scorpio/Taurus placements… good luck!! 😭 my heart goes out to you all.

Pluto transits like this are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and not everyone will ever even experience them.

With that in mind, I hope you can see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. 🫂💕 You will make it through, and you will emerge stronger than before.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment or message me! I love talking astrology with folks!

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 13

first time readers click here 💖

TWs/Summary: In this house, we ship Reader/Tony's Rolls-Royce. Reader and Tony being dorks on a date. That's it that's the chapter. Lots of sass and Tony being Tony.

A question for my readers: Are you still invested? How's the slow burn? Is everything realistic? 👉🏻👈🏻🥺

As usual, my beta is @miscmarvelwritings . I love her.

"Nice digs, Cupcake."

"Nice ride, Tin Man."

The sass fell from my lips, warm and familiar, paving the way for our upcoming debut like the old, soft living room rug. Any awkwardness I had expected there to be left the moment I saw Tony pull up to my front gate in his Royce: the man was just that extra. The size of my estate, the five-figure outfit of mine - it paled in comparison to his own clout. 

In a world where my choices were usually distributed between stuck-up rich boys or insecure middle-class men, Tony was a fresh drink of water with his absolute indifference towards my and his own net worth.

I wasn't afraid to admire said ride, either. Being a huge petrolhead was what got me interested in engineering, physics and computer sciences in the first place. The desire for speed grew into thirst for knowledge: how to get more horsepower, how to tune, how to mod. No mechanic took an eighteen year old rich-girl seriously even when I had all the lingo right, I had to be a step ahead, at all times, if I wanted my ride to be the best. And I never settled for less than that.

"No driver?" I inquired for the reason behind the unusual behaviour. After all, a Rolls' wasn't the kind of car you drive personally. All the amenities it had, it had in the back.

"Gave Happy a day off," Tony remarked absently. I noticed the small quirk of his eyebrow, however. He was intrigued.

I decided to give it a shot. "So what, this thing packs, what, about five-fifty horses?" I mused, watching Tony nearly swerve into the opposite lane. "At two and a half tons, it's still gotta be pretty quick with that V12-turbo. How fast it go?" The satisfaction was immeasurable, as pleasant to my soul as sitting in a heated leather chair with the smell of a new car, engine quietly rumbling in front of me. And by quietly I mean, it was focus-or-you'll-miss-it kind of quiet.

"Well aren't you full of surprises, baby girl," Tony grinned; a happy, excited grin even. It made his face lose ten years of age just like that. "Zero to sixty in five and a half seconds," He said after a moment. 

"Not bad," I said, sounding impressed. I already knew that but I wasn't planning on robbing Tony out of well deserved praise for his choice in vehicles. 

"Got a ride of your own?" He asked with a smile, like he didn't know it already. No background check would have skipped my three speeding tickets, but I concur. This game was fun.

"I do, actually. It's a 2008 Range Rover. Supercharged," I added in the end, just to emphasise.

"A big car for such a little girl," Tony whistled playfully.

"I'm compensating," I deadpanned. "I'm a little slow on the uptake, y'know, so my Rangie with five hundred horses makes up for it. Gotta keep it balanced."

Tony chewed on his lip. "Five hundred? Haven't heard about that, it comes with three-ninety-five in stock," His eyebrow wiggled. "Tuned it?" He cast me a contemplative glance.

"Yup," I exclaimed happily. As far as the date, I would have been utterly ecstatic to talk about cars all evening. Screw the boring "where do you see yourself in five years" questions, talk to me about your favourite engine swaps. Concept cars, give me those. Monster trucks? Yes, please. Vintage low-riders? Couldn't wait to get my grubby little hands on one. Gimmee!

Tony kept his silence and kept his press smile starting the moment we set foot on getting out of the car. The place he'd taken me to was ridiculously upscale and fancy; the valet hesitated only for a second before catching the keys Tony so carelessly tossed in his direction. There was almost no fear in his body language when the boy approached the massive, expensive vehicle.

The hostess smiled big at Tony and gave me the world's biggest stink-eye when he looked the other way but what else is new? As soon as she left us in the privacy of our booth, I didn't hesitate to stick my tongue at her retreating back. A brief lapse in maturity, if you will.

Tony cackled, growing suddenly serious. "Did she bother you? I can get her fired. I should get her fired."

"Nah," I shrugged. "Don't really care, just wanted to showcase my amazing sense of humour." Snorting, I gave Tony a wink and a secretive grin.

"You really don't give a fuck, do you," His eyebrows twitched again, a sign of mild interest that I noted during our routine sciencing time together. Tony was incredibly expressive if one took the time to observe.

"I could suck your dick under the table right now," I answered honestly. "It's just that when God gave out things like dignity and shame, I wasn't home. Too many fun things to do, y'know," I spoke as casually as I could even though I was dying of laughter inside.

Eyes bulging, jaw hanging mid-way to the floor. Tony was serving Looks™ and I didn't mean just the white tee and purple blazer combo. "Princess, you're going to be the fucking death of me!" He took a sip from his water glass, smirking.

Finally releasing my mirth, I gathered my hands in a lock in front of me. His own, warm and calloused, reached over - I allowed the brief intimacy, clasping them, fiddling with the leather band of his watch. For a moment, it was just us, sitting in the dim light, discovering each other anew to Robert Johnson singing the blues and NYC bustling with life just behind the wall. 

The waiter took our orders - and if I totally butchered the Italian, Tony was gentleman enough not to make any remarks. 

"Somehow, every time I am with you, you both manage to meet my expectations to a T and surprise me at the same time," I wasn't able to completely ignore my nerves. My hand was still loosely in his and he didn't mind at all, me messing with his watch.

"How so?"

"I'm going to loosely quote someone, bear with me." Mr Davies's words popped into my mind just as I was wondering how to best articulate my feelings. "You're eccentric and interesting because it's, well, it's you, because it would be much weirder if we'd be sitting here and making boring small-talk and asking each other the genetic get-to-know-you questions," I briefly paused to sip my Dom Peringon and stare at our hands. Gathering my wits. "That would be why I don't do dates. It sounds so tedious on paper, just sorting through people until a person that's not absolutely mind-numbing comes around."

Tony was silent for a moment, the sheen of his eyes, the faraway look; he was lost in memories. Probably remembering all the girls he had charmed before. I didn't doubt it was easy for him: his smile was distracting and people usually were attracted to shiny things. He shone plenty. Also, most people were stupid, they never cared to look past the golden wrapper. I was convinced there was a diamond under it. But then again, I was biased.

"I've never thought about it that way, but I guess you're right," He finally said, serious. "With Pepper, at least, it was. Come to think of it, we never had that much in common, besides Stark Industries and her willingness to put up with my shit." It was painful for him to talk about her, that much was obvious. His laugh was forced and sardonic.

I, on the other hand, never understood why they got together in the first place. Or maybe I did - but the cold, composed Pepper and the chaotic, energetic Tony reminded me too much of my own parents. All four people in this fucked up equation could have been much happier if they choose... What? Being alone? That was terrifying, too.

I kept quiet, giving his hands a gentle squeeze.

"You know, this is so bizarre. Even an eighteen year old kid has got it figured out," He suddenly said, his tone bitter like the coffee that he loved.

"Woah, slow down," I put up a hand. "I never said I know what to do. I just said I know what NOT to do." The 'kid' remark would have made me eye-roll so hard my skull would crack any day. In this context, however, it was pretty spot on.

Tony snorted. "And how did you come by that information, pray tell, Baby?"

I huffed. "Have you met my parents?" We simultaneously cringed and I hurried to erase that mental image. "I make fun of myself for being into old dudes all the time," I made air quotes around the phrase that made Tony scoff, "But, honestly speaking, I've never even been on a date. Like a real one. Usually it's twenty minutes and I'm falling asleep mid-conversation. People can't seem to keep up with me or something," I felt genuinely dejected. "So many meaningless questions, so many downright idiotic comments. From men," I pointed out the obvious. "My mother used to tell me she thought I was gay because I didn't act like a girl... Whatever that means."

"That sounds pretty shitty," Tony was studying me like one would have been looking at an exotic animal in a zoo. "That said, I agree."

"That I don't act like a girl?" I teased him, the left corner of my mouth tilting upward. "Fuck that noise. I want to drive fast cars, drink straight liquor and have orgasms. If that makes me a dude... I look pretty good for a dude in a dress."

We laughed in unison, tension evaporating under the shared, mutual understanding. With Tony, it was easy. The waiter brought our selected dishes. Blink-and-he's-gone. Top notch service.

"A dude in a dress, can't say I'm surprised 'bout your lack of dates," He remarked conversationally, happily digging into his food. The noises he made were intriguing, to say the least, and I followed suit on my own food, finding it absolutely delicious. A delicious meal with a delicious man at my side. I refused to feel guilty about my thoughts.

"I guess I have exactly one (1) date on my ledger now," I raised my argument.

The fork clattered as Tony once again, came to a sudden realization. "Holy shit, you weren't kidding."

"No shit," I gave into the urge to roll my eyes. "But on the upside, my first date was with the most gorgeous, intelligent and witty bachelor of the city. I'd say I don't have it all that bad," I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Aw, you're making me blush," Tony recovered quickly, grinning. "And don't be shy. The most desired bachelor of the country, if not the world."

I shook my head. "No, the world's most delectable bachelor is one of the Saudi princes. What's-his-name, the one who posts goat and horse pics on Insta," I snapped my fingers a couple of times, trying to remember the name as Tony looked at me all offended. "Anyways, you get my point. I could have a go at him, don't you think?" Cocking my shoulder, coyly twirling the strap of my dress, I gave Tony my best come-hither look and was rewarded with an appreciative once-over. His eyes were growing hungry again. 

"You're a million dollar baby," He finally said, voice low. "And the extent of people I would be willing to share you with is very small."

That got me interested, sudden heat prickling underneath my skin. The conversation took a turn I didn't expect it to; and there lied the delight of being around Tony. He was always ready to surprise, in the best way. "Tell me," I requested politely.

"That's a conversation for another time," He was enjoying the chit-chat, desire beginning to creep into his features.

"Mmm, you think?" I allowed the strap of my dress to slip down my shoulder, exposing a collarbone, showing him just how far I was willing to go to satisfy my curiosity.

He swallowed audibly. "I think... You're smart enough to figure it out," He finally gritted his teeth, finishing off his dinner and immediately calling for the check. 

I wasn't done yet, however. The possibility of riling him up, taunting him into a lustful frenzy - I was in heaven. Karma had favoured me that evening, it had given me a chance to get Tony back for all the times he unknowingly made my mouth water and my brain go blip. "Must be Steve then," I bit my lip in thought. 

Honestly? I was as clueless as the couple next table over. Steve it wasn't, that much I knew for sure, he and Tony had their little love/hate dramatic connection that always ended in a massive ego standoff. Tony would be on the frontline fighting against Steve if the blonde dared to show anything even remotely resembling romantic interest towards someone Tony himself had his eyes on.

"Princess," Tony growled, sarcastically raising an eyebrow.

"Not Steve," I replied, cracking a smile. Success! "You know, I'm really bad at guessing who's into me. Unless someone is balls deep in me," My face was mere inches away as we quickly shrugged on our coats. "And even then, I can't be sure."

My giggling was accompanied by Tony shaking his head in exasperated fashion; he took my hand nonetheless and I happily swayed it between us, poster child for "not a care in the world". He allowed it, maintaining the same exasperated air about him, and I let him. Fondness and happiness seeped through that anyways.

"Brat," His voice was kind. And his kiss tingled where he left it on the corner of my mouth, sweet and short. "Here, have a go," Before I could react, the keys to his Rolls Royce were placed in my palm and he was making his way around the car to the passenger's side.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway (it finally let me tag you)! @softie-socks @schemefrenzy

[homo-sex-shoe-whale]

when/how did you realize you were gay?

I've avoided answering this question properly ever since I started this blog, but I think it's about time I get yapping. Maybe if I tell my story it'll help someone.

It started when I was about 5-6 years old. I was watching TV in the living room while my mom was running various errands around the house. The 2008 gay pride parade was on the news, but I didn't know what being gay meant. So I asked my mom, and she told me. Afterwards, I thought to myself: "Hey... I wouldn't mind being with a girl." I didn't give the word "gay" a thought again for many years to come.

Throughout primary and early middle school, all the girls around me were developing crushes on boys. I thought my crush would come eventually, but it never did. When my classmates kept pestering me about who I 'liked', I just made up a crush on a random guy.

Then came junior high, and at around age 13 people were having their first kisses and getting into their first relationships. I felt like I was gonna get left behind, so I found the first guy who showed interest in me and chose him to be the first human I kissed. I got a very non-threatening vibe from this guy. One day while he and I were talking inside one of the classrooms at school, he just kissed me. I felt... nothing. I was hoping that I'd finally feel at least a little spark... but no. Absolutely nothing. I tried to kiss him again, thinking that maybe the second time would do it, but nothing again. But then, he wanted to kiss me with tongue. As soon as he mentioned this, something in me just fired. Like I absolutely could NOT let this happen. It's been few times in my life that a gut feeling gave me the cue to leave a place so strongly, but I immediately felt the need to RUN. I broke things off with him and funny enough, he was very respectful about it. Never approached me with romantic intent again. 

Not even a month later, a new milestone came. I was playing truth or dare with some friends and got dared to kiss a girl. I never met her before or saw her after that day. She and I went into a closet, and it just happened. It was very short and dispassionate, but for the first time, I felt something. I felt alive. It was something I had never felt before, especially compared to the nothingness I felt when kissing that guy. 

Naturally, I freaked out about that. I couldn't possibly be a LESBIAN. What if people around me got suspicious? That couldn't happen. So I found the nearest male to me who was willing to date and made him my boyfriend. I kissed him a few times and the same thing happened from the first time I kissed a guy- I felt nothing. The upside was that I had a bit of a crush on his twin sister, and could use my relationship with him to be near her. She and I were in different social circles and otherwise never hung out. Shortly after this boy and I started dating, their whole family moved to Thailand. I saw an opportunity- if I kept a long distance relationship with this guy, I could be safe from people suspecting I was a lesbian, but I didn't have to kiss him or anything like that. So we kept our relationship for about 8 months. However, I knew there was something wrong. I didn't think of myself as a lesbian necessarily, but I knew it wasn't right with this guy. Every time I even touched him, I had this horrible feeling in my chest. Like.. my heart felt cold. Not in a metaphorical way- my heart literally felt like it was freezing inside my chest. It was wrong and everything in me told me to get away, but I didn't. I stayed. 

Eventually, we both had enough with each other and peacefully broke it off. The relationship lasted about 10 months. I didn't care about his sister anymore and had moved on with my life. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! After I was free from this relationship, I went through a period of self-reflection. Sincere, raw, self-reflection. I thought about all the signs since my childhood that pointed to me being attracted to women. I thought about my future and how I could only ever see myself marrying a woman. One day, I was sitting in the bathtub, when it all clicked. I literally said to myself: "Caralho, eu sou lésbica." (Fuck, I'm a lesbian). It was a TERRIFYING realisation. (When this happened I was 14, approaching my 15th birthday). I hoped that it wasn't true. I hoped my realisation was wrong and that I'd fall in love with a guy, but deep down I knew that wasn't gonna happen. I didn't like the word "lesbian" at first. I knew it was correct, but I wasn't comfortable with calling myself that. I scrubbed my skin with the rough end of my bath sponge until my skin went from medium beige to bright red, hoping it would somehow scrub the queer clean out of me. I dunked my head underwater in the bathtub for as long as I could hold my breath, hoping it would drown the gay out of me. But it never worked. It didn't make me any less of a queer. A dyke. A lesbian. It didn't make me straight, just made me hurt. 

Over the next 3 months, I grew increasingly comfortable with the word lesbian. I gave myself time to become familiar with it, eventually secure enough to tell my friends in December 2017-January 2018 (shortly after I turned 15) that I was indeed one. They were very supportive and accepted me for who I was. However, this wave of acceptance was incredibly short-lived. In late January 2018, my parents found out I was gay. My mom kept picking at it increasingly and only stopped when I admitted it. Then she told my dad. I wasn't ready... I had JUST came to terms with my sexuality. I was barely even comfortable with the word "lesbian." I wanted to come out on my own terms when the time was right... but it felt like my secret had been ripped right out of me. 

My parents were absolutely not supportive. My father almost left us, saying he could never have the same relationship with me again. It hurt so bad, because I'd always been much closer with my father. It's been well over a year and my relationship with him isn't restored to even a fraction of what it used to be yet. He was always the one I could trust, and I thought he loved me unconditionally. I thought I could rely on the love I had from my parents, those who brought me into this life. But I couldn't. 

My identity as a lesbian felt like it had taken a strong hit before I could even make it strong enough to take one.

It was the most broken I had ever felt. I felt neglected. Like the future I always dreamt of was forever out of my reach. Like I was unlovable. But there was something still in me... desire. The desire to do great and big things with my life someday. The desire to be loved. "I can't stop where I am right now," I thought, "I haven't done everything I want to do yet."

I didn't want to be old and look back on my teenage years as a time of self-hatred. 

I wanted someone to love me for all the things about me. The good, the bad, the ugliest parts of me... they're all me. But when I looked around, no one was prepared to love me like that. Sure, I had friends, but I wanted more than what they could offer me at that point in time. If I wanted to be loved like that, I would have to do it myself. I would have to love myself deeply and unconditionally, because no one around me was going to. And I'm a Slytherin, so when I have a goal to work towards, you bet your ass I'll deliver. 

That's what I worked towards for the next few months. I don't know exactly how I did it, but it was just about being kind towards myself. Appreciating the things about me that deserved to be appreciated. Being proud of the things I've overcome. Realising the great potential I have to the future. 

Today, I've reached a point where I'm finally at peace with being a lesbian. I don't care anymore whether my parents accept me or not, because I give myself the love they don't. It's a healed wound now and I don't pay them any mind. My sexuality is as natural to me as the colour of the hair that grows off the top of my head and the colour of my eyes. 

I've finally found my peace. It took a while, but this time, I finally got it right. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Did you wake up cranky? I haven’t gone to sleep, yet. I have a Zoom doctor appointment in like 2 hours, so I’m likely going to just stay up now until then. 

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Absolutely not. I’m 31 years old and an 18 year old is like a child still to me. 

3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Most of my friends were girls, but I had guy friends as well. 

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do if we make eye contact.

5. Can you commit to one person? Yes.

6. How do you look right now? Bleh.

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? I’m wearing a blue sweatshirt with Baby Yoda on it and black leggings.

8. How often do you listen to music? Not often these days. In fact, it’s been over a month now since I’ve listened to music. It’s weird.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Neither. I live in leggings.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014? Hm, I don’t remember any dramatic changes then. 

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? I haven’t been social these past few years at all. I haven’t wanted to be.

12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I don’t like anyone currently.

13. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Not like I used to be.

14. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope. I can’t drive at all.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I mean, yeah.

16. Are you going out of town soon? Nope.

17. When was the last time you cried? A few days ago.

18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? Yeah, I would love to have blue or green eyes.

20. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I don’t have anything I have to do.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. I just want to get my Zoom appointment over with.

22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes.

23. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be. 

24. What are you sitting on right now? My bed.

25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes. I don’t have a commitment problem. 

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yep, that’s how it went. Even when I thought something could come out of it and they said they liked me, it still didn’t lead to anything. 

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My brother.

28. Do you get a lot of colds? No, it’s not a common occurrence for me.

29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? Nooo.

30. Does anyone hate you? I’m sure there’s a few people who aren’t very happy with me and rightfully so.

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? No.

32. Do you like watching scary movies? I love scary movies.

33. Are you a jealous person? I can be, but I haven’t felt jealousy in a long time.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I don’t think I would do that to be honest.

35. Did you have a dream last night? I’m sure, but I rarely ever remember my dreams.

36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? I could, but I’m just someone who keeps a lot to myself. I have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to others no matter how close we are.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Nope. The fact there isn’t someone I’ve even talking to or interested in right now like I don’t see me meeting someone, getting to know them, falling in love, and getting married in that short amount of time. I know some people move very fast, but that’s not me. And marriage isn’t even something I want, so that would be a big change for me to do that in just 5 years. Let’s be real, I’m sure I’ll still be single in 5 years.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Nope.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? It was okay.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Nope. I’ve been single for a very long time.

42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Yes in a lot of ways that aren’t good.

43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? There’s no such person currently.

44. What’s the best part about school? I like the learning part.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? I have a lot of pictures on there throughout the years since 2008.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I did that sometimes in middle school.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Um, yeah all the damn time. It’s a loop.

48. Were you single over the last summer? Yep.

49. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Nothing, I’m just waiting for my appointment in like an hour.

50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? My mom is beautiful. 

[jojiship]

Studio Ghibli Films: Ranking & Thoughts

I have been binging Studio Ghibli (and other anime films) since May. I saw a lot of people in Youtube rank them and I decided to do it as well. While I don’t have a camera to record myself, I decided to post my ranking of its films. First of all, I want to say that this is quite a subjective ranking and it’s personal. These are my opinions and of course, everyone can have opinions of their own. Second of all, I think all of these films have their good sides, but there are ones that I enjoyed and there are ones I didn’t enjoy. Either way, I recommend people to watch all of these films. You won’t regret watching most of them.

This post ranks the films from the 15th to 11th. Obviously, there will be spoilers ahead, so you’ve been warned.

15. Porco Rosso (1992) – I hate to see Porco Rosso so low in my list, but I just didn’t find it as good as I found the other films I watched. I enjoyed the animation of the sea and other views a lot. I think it was the best part of the whole film. At this point, I have to say that nature is Studio Ghibli’s strongest point in their films. Porco Rosso was a good lead. I enjoyed that he was gruff, honest, but also had a good heart. The message that all men turn to pigs because of war was amazing. I love how Miyazaki always tried to put the anti-war elements in any film he could get his hands on. I liked how the story started as well and the progression. Fio was such an enjoyable character. I love how the women helped assemble the plane while another woman engineered the whole thing. Seeing Porco Rosso be wary of it and then get impressed by her was quite lovely to watch. Another character I enjoyed was Gina. Her backstory and personality were quite alluring. To be honest, I didn’t care much about the plane duel or the fist fight. It seemed funny at times, but it didn’t take my whole attention. I did enjoy the end of it and how some things were left open. 

14. Ponyo (2008) - This is the kind of film that I would watch with my four year old cousin. I know he’d love it as it’s very colourful and interesting. Did I love it? Like would be a better word for it, but I did enjoy it a lot. I’ve always been captivated by the sea and water which led me to enjoying this film because of it. I loved Ponyo, Sosuke and Lisa with all of my heart. Their scenes together were amazing, especially the scene with ramen. It truly speaks of how adventurous and curious little kids are. How every little new thing captivates them. Ponyo was interested in ham, buckets, and the baby while Sosuke was interested in Ponyo herself. It’s such a wholesome and interesting movie which I think it’s more appropriate for the younger audience. I wouldn’t be surprised if a teenager or someone my age watched it and wasn’t interested in it, but I personally enjoyed it and I can’t wait to show it to my cousin.

13. Arrietty (2010) – Arrietty is the cutest and simple Studio Ghibli film when it comes to having fantastic elements. I liked the animation of it and the music of the film was so pleasing to my ear. I liked the film a lot and I’d definitely recommend it to people. Seeing the world of Borrowers was interesting and I liked how the family was aware of it. I liked how Sadako’s dad even built them a house for them to stay. While watching the film, I continued to wonder where the bedrooms were. Those are the most important parts of doll houses. Arrietty was a fun character to watch. I love how amazing it was to see her first trip of borrowing. She was just going to the kitchen, but it was made like a whole mission. The scene where Sho catches them taking a tissue, took me back a little. I just didn’t expect him to be looking at them with open eyes. Speaking of Sho, I felt quite bad for him. Knowing that he was quite lonely, had a heart disorder and didn’t even know how long he was going to live, broke my heart. I hope that he did get to live a long life and that he stopped being as lonely as he was. Also, I didn’t get why Haru was so obsessed with exterminating the Borrowers. While she didn’t seem a villain to me, she did annoy me when she tried to do that. While I wished that we got more scenes of Sho and Arrietty’s friendship, I loved the ending where they said goodbye to each other. It was quite adorable if I say so myself.

12. When Marnie Was There (2014) – Yet another Studio Ghibli film about a lonely character that has some condition. This time, the character is called Anna and she has asthma. I loved this film alongside with its soundtrack. Fine on the Outside by Priscilla Ann was such a good song and it truly tells how both Marnie and Anna feel. I felt bad for Anna because she thought that she wasn’t loved and that her adoptive parents were being paid to take care of her, she was lonely and isolated from the rest of the world. We saw that she wasn’t that good at making friends until Marnie came along. I loved her relatives and her bond with them. I liked how her vacation brought her closure on her identity and I was so happy to see that she called her adoptive mother mum at the end. My heart also broke for Marnie. Her childhood is a story that many kids can relate too. Some kids are neglected by their parents and this scars them forever. You could see that Marnie was scarred by all of her what happened with her parents and the maids in her house. In my opinion, I thought she was dependent in Kazuhiko and that’s why she couldn’t recover after his unexpected death. My heart broke for the whole family, especially Marnie and Emily. They had such tragic lives and it was good to see Anna’s story end with such a happy note. One thing that did bother me was that some scenes with Marnie and Anna I found romantic. By the middle of the film, I suspected that they were related because of their eye color, features and western typical names, but I was still weirded it out that Marnie was Anna’s grandma.

11. Castle in The Sky (1986) – The first official Studio Ghibli film. I have to admit that I fell asleep while watching the first part of this film. I wasn’t interested in it and I ended up falling asleep while watching it. However, the next day, when I woke up, I decided to watch it from the beginning again. I did like the beginning more and I saw that film started to get more interested as it progressed. Sheeta and Pazu’s friendship was incredible to watch. I love how they met and decided to protect each other with their lives immediately. I couldn’t get over the fact that they just met and were so supportive of each other. It was probably due to the fact that the two of them were lonely beforehand and clung to having someone their age. Colonel Muska was a good villain and I loved how he ended up being related to Sheeta at the end. The animation of the castle was to die for. This was the first official Studio Ghibli film yet the animation took my breath away. The soundtrack was heaven to my ears, especially in the scenes in the castle between Colonel Muska and Sheeta. The best part of the film was Dola and her family. I loved their interactions, the jokes and the vibe that family gave. They were so funny to watch and I loved how they helped Sheeta and Pazu at the end.  I bet that Spanish speaking viewers loved how much the name Laputa was mentioned in this film.

[suspiciouslandlady]

OTP Game

Pick your top 10 OTPs without reading the questions

1. Kirishima Eijirou x Katsuki Bakugou

2. Sasori x Deidara

3. Erwin Smith x Levi

4. Jean Kirschtein x Marco Bodt

5. Nagisa Kaworu x Shinji Ikari

6. Cloud Strife x Sephiroth

7. Steve Rogers x Tony Stark

8. Peter Parker x Wade Wilson

9. Kaminari Denki x Sero Hanta

10. Emperor Mateus x Kuja (lmao I had to add this crackship, I’ve started to like it so much ahaha)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?  - Honestly I can’t remember when I started to ship Sefikura because the first time I saw them was in Advent Children movie, followed by Kingdom Hearts until I finally started to be interested in Final Fantasy. Somewhere between their eternal fighting haha.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2? - I’m reading one atm hahaa!! But yeah, Sasodei was my 1st ship ever and I did read some fics about them back in 2008-2009. 

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver? - Oh yeah they definitely have. 

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be? - Wasn’t that the plot of Captain America: Civil War? No? Pfffft!! But honestly watching CA: Civil War was pain since I don’t want to take neither of their sides or see them fighting against each other but ugh. 

5. Why is 1 so important? - I love everything about their relationship. They complete each other and it’s just so amazing that Kirishima is Bakugou’s first true friend. A person he really acknowledges as his friend and trusts him. And I don’t even need to talk about that one moment we all know... *cough* take my hand *cough* 

But also!! Kirishima is able to grow as a person with Bakugou’s help too. It’s not one-sided with only Bakugou improving his character. They both are good influence to each other.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship? - I think to me, they’re more of a funny ship because the memes and shit, two damn goofballs at your service. But there’s a hint of seriousness and I really like to read serious Kamisero fics as well. Though sometimes it feels like they’re more harder to find :/

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry? - Ugh I think there’s at least couple ships that have so much chemistry but I gotta say Eruri. I mean, Isayama did hint stuff about Erwin and Levi having deeper relationship than just friends but beside that, their chemistry is so fucking great. I guess it has something do with Levi’s Ackerbond to Erwin as well, Levi has dedicated his entire life to help Erwin reach his goals. And Erwin respects him, I feel like at the beginning he was the only one who held some kind of respect toward him and saw all the potential in Levi, even when he was just a thug in underground city.

8. Out of all your ships listed, which ship has the strongest bond? - Eruri again. And again, one of the reasons is probably Ackerbond. But their bond is so damn strong and Levi trusts Erwin with his whole life. And we all know how selective Levi can be with people.

9. How many times have your read/watched 10’s fandom? - Well it’s a crack ship so I guess I have to break it down into three different fandoms. FFII where Emperor is from, not that much. I’ve played the remastered version of it with my PSP but never finished it. I should play it some day. 

FFIX where Kuja is from, I finished the game last month and loved it. It made me love and understand Kuja’s character a lot more and he’s now my top 1 favorite Final Fantasy Villain.

Dissidia Final Fantasy is probably ‘the fandom’ where I ship this, as it’s an actual game where they both are. I used to play Dissidia back in middle school so much, like my first Dissidia 012 saving on my PSP is from 2011... And I recently played it again and finished the story mode. Still the best 1vs1 game ever, and I’m not even fan of those types of games.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest? - Sasodei probably. I started shipping them when I was 12 and even when I fell out of Naruto and stuff, they’ve always hold a special place in my heart. Even now as I’m getting back to the old fandom, reading and seeing pics of them gives me that same sweet feeling I felt toward this ship decade ago. I don’t even care what people say about them (I’ve heard some peepz call it abusive??? I kinda see what they’re trying to imply but then again wtf people???) because honestly, idgaf. It’s a ship that is precious to me from my past, it’s the roots of my weeb and shipping life.

Another long ship is both Eruri and Jeanmarco, I started shipping them back in 2014 and still ship them! 

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up? - They never were together in the beginning since Sephiroth is Cloud’s arch-nemesis 😂 It’s hard to even describe their relationship because there’s nothing sane in it. That’s why I also ship Zack x Cloud, it makes sense and balances the hate stuff what is happening in Sefikura pfft.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8? - LMAO I love how both of these ships have one who is immortal. Or ‘’immortal’’. Wade would have no problem with the virus since his healing factor is good and I bet zombies wouldn’t even care about Sasori since he’s a puppet. 

But I think they both would actually make it out alive. Peter is freaking Spiderman, he has everything what will help him survive (his spidey sense, being able to crawl on the walls/ceiling etc). Deidara would just explode everything into pieces. 

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason? - I don’t think they’d have a reason to hide it, but also I feel like they’d prefer to keep it behind the walls of their home. 

14. Is 4 still together? - 😔 Marco has been dead like forever. I’m still salty about his death after all these long years.

15. Is 10 canon? - Definitely not since they’re from different games pffft! Oh the joy of crack ship. But you know, in original Dissidia Kuja’s encounter intro for Mateus is “You think you can dominate me?” 😂 and honestly Kuja, that’s not something you should say to Palamecia

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win? - I honestly feel like Cloud and Sephiroth would win it. Sephiroth alone is a fella you don’t want to fight against because he WILL kill you without a hesitation. And since Cloud has Jenova cells in him as well, he’s not just an ordinary guy with a sword. If he can keep up with Sephiroth’s shit, being literally stabbed like a kebab in AC, I’m sure he can keep up with others as well.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship? - Well Kaworu is literally one of the enemy in the series but he abandoned his mission and let Shinji kill him. He also truly loved Shinji, that’s what I like to think. He didn’t just play with his feelings.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond? - Probably the top 5 since they’re mostly my serious-serious ships. The rest 6-10 are one way or another either for fun or something else. Sefikura is good source for arch-nemesis stuff and hate-sex etc (tho I’ve read sweet and great fluff about them too), Stony is just there with superfamily au, Spideypool is great and they’re both goofballs, Kamisero is more fun than serious stuff and Emperor/Kuja is just a random crack ship I happened to stumble upon suddenly out of nowhere. 

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page? - I used to but since I haven’t been active in snk fandom in a year, I’ve been digging other ships from Tumblr instead. I guess one of the reasons is that Eruri fandom kinda just... idk never felt so welcoming as some other fandoms? AoT fandom in general has been so fucking toxic through the years. 

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink? - Probably Emperor/Kuja because they’re just a crack ship and don’t even have a lot of content... even tho there’s this one fic what I absolutely love about them aaaaa. But yeah probably that or Cloud/Sephiroth because I can always ship Cloud with Zack ;D

My tags @repesso @thats-so-hambone @cybergutzz

[huffpost]

Why On Earth Are So Many Millennial Women Becoming Nuns?

By Eve Fairbanks

I went to a science magnet high school, graduating in 2001, but in my late 20s, I began to notice that some of my classmates were turning toward the Catholic faith. It surprised me: My high school was ostentatiously secular. We had a steel statue on the front lawn depicting the triumph of mathematical logic. Our senior class president wore a giant calculator costume to football games. When my government class held a mock debate over abortion, only two students out of 18 volunteered to argue the “pro-life” case.

And near the end of the 2000s, a half-dozen old friends I’d remembered as logical skeptics and trend-forward internet connoisseurs had become deeply religious. Some of them had been raised loosely Catholic, some had not. They blogged. They wrote Facebook posts about their conversions and shared memes about contraception-free family planning. They seemed to want to celebrate their lives.

One Catholic classmate chronicled her experience starting an organic farm with her husband and seven children, twinning advocacy for lefty, soyboy things like non-GMO baby yoghurt with tributes to the late Justice Antonin Scalia and pictures of homemade pizzas with tomato-sauce patterns meant to look like Jesus’s wounds on the cross. My friend Meg, the center of attention at our high school parties, started calling herself a “hobo for Christ.” She couch-surfed around the world and made her income from speeches booked off of her pop culture-savvy blog—only the gist of these speeches was a profound religious evangelicalism. “God,” she wrote in one post, is “demanding radical discipleship.” She also considered becoming a Catholic nun.

These people intrigued me, because they didn’t quite fit. The presumption, I had always thought, was that the U.S. is on a steady, if bumpy, progressive drift. Books published about America’s demographic destiny like to warn religious folks to be afraid of the young. Each successive generation, the thinking goes, wants to exercise more choice over what they eat, over how they live, over who they love, over their dreams, over their truths. The young aren’t interested in tradition or moral constraints.

Catholicism seems especially out of step with contemporary American life. Protestantism easily accommodates rock bands and a personable, almost life coach-esque Jesus. But even liberal Catholic communities require submission to a gold-crowned pope who theologically can’t be wrong (in certain circumstances) and who is chosen by a hundred-odd men—only men—who undergo a ritual of eating the literal body of Christ embedded in a cracker. To say the sex scandals didn't help is putting it mildly. A 2008 Pew Research Center study found that Catholicism lost more adherents in the late 20th century than any other religion in the U.S. About a third of Americans raised Catholic reported that they had left the church.

The contraction hit church staff, too—its priesthood and its community of nuns. In 1965, America had 180,000 perpetually professed Catholic sisters, the technical term for women who have pledged their lives to chastity, poverty, obedience and serving the church. By 2010, that number tanked to fewer than 50,000. In 2009, more Catholic sisters in America were over 90 years old than under 60.

But right around the time I began to notice my high school classmates’ burgeoning faith, something flipped. After 50 years of decline, the number of young women “discerning the religious life”—or going through the long process of becoming a Catholic sister—is substantially increasing. In 2017, 13 percent of women from age 18 to 35 who answered a Georgetown University-affiliated survey of American Catholics reported that they had considered becoming a Catholic sister. That’s more than 900,000 young women, enough to repopulate the corps of “women religious” in a couple of decades, even if only a fraction of them actually go through with it.

And the aspiring sisters aren’t like the old ones. They’re more diverse: Ninety percent of American nuns in 2009 identified as white; last year, fewer than 60 percent of new entrants to convents did. They’re also younger: The average age for taking the final step into the religious life a decade ago was 40. Today, it’s 24. They’re disproportionately middle children, often high-flying and high-achieving. Typical discernment stories on blogs or in the Catholic press start with lines like “she played lacrosse and went to Rutgers” or she was “a Harvard graduate with a wonderful boyfriend.”

You’ll find these 20-somethings, like other 20-somethings, all over Instagram and YouTube. Some investigate which religious order to join on a website called VocationMatch.com, basically a dating app for nuns. You get the sense that these young women get a kick out of demonstrating their enduring link to “basic bitch” concerns like food Instagramming, college sports or Benedict Cumberbatch’s facial hair—and then pulling a fast one on the rest of us with flinty tweets like “You die unprepared without the sacraments.”

Continued here.

[child-of-sunshine]

Just gotta rant for a minute so this is going under a cut

I can’t stand the way tumblr in general talks about “rich people” (which they can’t define to save their fucking lives) and particularly when they mention “millionaires” as though it actually means something significant in terms of wealth. 

First, no one seems to understand that by today’s inflated standards, a million dollars really isn’t that much. A quick google search will tell me that the average “middle-income” parent in America will spend over 250k to raise a child from birth to 18 years old. If a couple has 4 kids, they’re already spending over a million dollars on those kids. Yes, that’s over 18 years, but it’s still meaningful.

If a person makes 100k, which is supposedly the 85th percentile of income, it only takes them 10 years to make a million dollars. And yes, obviously they’re spending money too, and it’s not like their savings or their net worth are going to be a million in that time, but people don’t even seem to comprehend that their earnings over that time would literally be a million. Someone earning the average American income, let’s say 50k because I get conflicting information from various sources, would only take 20 years to earn a million dollars.

And calling “millionaires” (putting that in quotes because people (a) do NOT understand the difference between net worth and actual liquid assets or even income) rich, particularly in the context of the “eat the rich” rhetoric, is ridiculous. I know this site has a serious problem with black-and-white thinking, but for fuck’s sake.

Let’s take a look at my parents.

My dad grew up in a relatively low-income household. His mother’s grandparents came straight from Italy with a few dollars in their pockets and nothing else. Her family struggled to get food on the table at times. She worked very hard as a seamstress and married a man who had a good job at Ford back when that meant actual benefits including into retirement, and so they managed to raise two boys without having to worry too much about being able to afford food or housing. They saved like crazy and spent the minimum that they possibly could on themselves, so that when they reached retirement, they had a pretty decent amount of savings for the rest of their lives and could finally enjoy some luxury vacations and get a small but nice house in Florida.

My mom grew up in a truly low-income household. She was the youngest of five siblings living in a tiny, shitty town in Nowhere, Michigan, with two parents who smoked constantly, in a house that sat next to some kind of horrifying mystery waste pond (she and both of her sisters had cancer, my mom at just 36, and one of her brothers died from some kind of unknown neurological deterioration). Her father got TB and spent time in a sanitarium, after which he became a withdrawn alcoholic and then died relatively young. Her mother became depressed, stopped working, and died of cancer. My mom lost both of her parents in her early 20s, before she even met my father.

Both of my parents were gifted with the great privileges of great brains and being white. Even in their crappy hick town in the middle of nowhere, my mom managed to be in the top of her class (of 56 whole people) in high school and earned a scholarship to a state university, literally the only way she could have afforded to attend. My dad worked to pay for his college as far as I know (because back then you could actually do that). They both got bachelor’s degrees. My dad became an engineer, a good career, and quickly found a job with a relatively new, small local company. He worked extremely hard, long hours for years and moved up to being a manager, and the company has grown a lot over the 25+ years he’s now worked there, with the result that he now makes a low six-figure salary. My mom took a computer programming course after realizing her journalism degree wouldn’t get her much paid work, and has worked as a programmer for 25+ years now, switching jobs sometimes, usually making somewhere in the 60-70k range in the last decade or so.

My mother got pregnant with my sister around the time she and my dad got engaged. She was working a crappy programming job and he’d barely started as an engineer, making nowhere near six figures. They lived in a trailer park, in a trailer with a hole in the floor and steps that were a safety hazard. She’d spent some time living with her sister, who’s 13 years older than her and never had children (thus had a house and some savings). My dad’s mother, the seamstress, made my mom’s wedding dress for free as long as my mom bought the material for it, which was just about all they could afford. They had a nice, small wedding when my sister was about 2 (she was afraid of my mom’s dress lmao) and one of my cousins took the pictures.

Four years after my sister was born, my parents had saved up enough to put a down payment on our house, a moderate-sized family home in a suburban neighborhood that was just being built. The house was a little over 200k. She got pregnant with me and the house was finished just after I was born.

My mom got cancer when I was 2 years old. They haven’t talked to me much about it. Her sister spent a lot of money to buy her a really nice wig made of animal hair (which, unfortunately, she could rarely wear because it made her very itchy). She went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She spent months sick as hell and miserable, while trying to raise two young daughters. Thankfully, they’d saved enough to be able to handle the medical bills, particularly with my dad’s good job that had good benefits and, by then, was paying him a pretty decent salary. My mom recovered, thankfully (over 20 years in remission now!).

In 2008, when the recession hit, my mom lost her job quickly. She tried finding new ones but couldn’t. No one was hiring programmers, they were getting rid of them. Her depression got a lot worse. I was in high school and depressed myself (in large part because of the situation at home, though my parents don’t know it, that became suicidal depression a while afterward), and they had to start paying for therapy for me. My sister was in college and had to try to pay for it herself because my parents’ college fund for her hadn’t gone as far as they’d hoped. My dad’s company supplies machines to auto manufacturers. They were worried. They laid off some people, thankfully not my dad, and others had to take pay cuts. My parents started sitting down and seriously going over finances. My mom and I had to completely quit figure skating, my only physical stress outlet (like I said, that contributed a LOT to the severe depression). We had to cut down the grocery bills and think about not buying gifts for family members’ birthdays and such. My grandparents, happily retired by then with good savings, paid off the rest of our mortgage and told my dad to pay them back without interest whenever he could, so that no matter what happened with the jobs, we at least wouldn’t have to worry about losing our house. I listened to my parents scream at each other over money and I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights.

Guess what? My dad is a millionaire. Definitely not in liquid assets, but in net worth he probably just barely hits 1 million. He now makes a low six-figure salary and when the economy is doing okay, he invests some of it in the stock market, mostly in low-risk stocks that are guaranteed to have payouts (I don’t know a lot about this, so that’s all I’ll say). He inherited/learned his dad’s extreme money-saving ways and saves as much as possible. He’s an engineer and very handy, so whenever possible he does home and car repairs himself to save a lot of money. I managed to get a scholarship that covered almost all of my undergrad tuition, I lived at home for half of undergrad and all of med school to save money, I worked in retail in undergrad and as an EMT in med school to pay for some of my own stuff, and they didn’t pay for any of my med school tuition, so that’s it for their educational expenses for me. My mom’s had a good, stable job for the last few years that pays in the low 80k range, I think. We live in a house worth ~250k that we now fully own thanks to my grandparents. 

A few years ago, my dad’s brother bought a crappy, tiny, nearly-condemned cabin in the woods up north for about 20k (seriously, it was shit). He and my dad put in a few hundred dollars and a TON of time and manual labor to fix it up, and now we pay half the bills on it and both of our families use it for vacations. We have a small (19ft) boat that my dad bought as a gift for my mom when she had cancer--he got it extremely cheap from a guy who’d bought it, barely used it, and just wanted rid of it. It’s a 1994 and full of problems now, but we’ve managed to keep it going (barely, at times) and my dad has taken really good care of it over the years. A friend of my dad’s got him into snowmobiling about a decade ago and once his brother bought the cabin and they fixed it up, my dad got a cheap, crappy used snowmobile, which he used for a few years before reselling it and upgrading to an actually nice, new one, because yeah, he could afford it. He’s upgraded a couple times, good for him. When I actually have the time off, I go up with him in the winter and ride one of his old ones that he kept and fixed after it had an engine problem. It doesn’t cost much to renew the trail permits each year and I borrow my uncle’s gear for riding, so other than the initial cost of the sleds, it really costs us nothing to go riding (gas is extremely negligible in snowmobiles, they can go 120+ miles on a single 8 gallon tank, and we store them ourselves at the cabin so we don’t pay for that). We store the boat in our garage at home (like I said, it’s small) so other than the permit and gas for that when we take it out, again, really no continuous expense.

My parents pay all of their taxes without trying to do any bullshit work-arounds. They don’t have a lawyer or a tax accountant or a financial advisor, my dad does it all himself. He keeps track of all of our finances himself. We don’t pay a landscaping service or a cleaning service or any of that crap, we do it all ourselves like any other middle-class family. My mom donates regularly to charities for cancer, animal rescues, and injured veterans. 

But to tumblr, incapable of seeing nuance, we’re “one-percenters (absolutely nowhere near true) who own a house and have a ‘vacation home’ and a boat and recreational vehicles” so we’re pretty much just as bad as Bezos, because anyone who isn’t actively struggling to put food on the table or in horrible medical debt because of our disaster of a system is apparently “rich” and there’s no such thing as shades of gray.

[mymelancholiesblues]

Just wondering, what your head canon for Leon's family?

Oh my god, I was planning to post this huge compilation of my RE Headcanons soon (starting with what I have for Leon) when I got your ask’s notification. Are you a mind reader? Hahaha. But really, thank you for providing me with a justification to start posting them.

I would like to please invite you to sit because I have plenty – honestly PLENTY – of things to share over this specific matter (Leon’s family). And, of course, to ask you to bear with me through them.

For anyone else whose interest might be picked over this: keep in mind that these are (obviously) my headcanons for Leon’s background and family and in no way is anyone else under the obligation to accept nor fully agree with them.

I wrote them down because I think A LOT about storytelling devices, stories structures, characterization and characters studies, world-building, fiction tropes, etc. and, since I’ve been a Resident Evil fan from age eight to this day, I also tend to spend a lot of time thinking about its characters – and the overall rest of its lore. Furthermore, as a way to help me write them in fanfictions or even in meta-analysis, I’m always thinking of what would make sense within these characters narratives and to their personalities.

Anyway. Back to Leon and his family!

There’s a very solid theory in RE Fandom that Raccoon City is set in Missouri. I really take this into account when I think about RE Characters because it helps me “placing them” before Raccoon, since not all of them were originally born/living there. Leon, for example, according to canon material, only decided to apply to be a police officer in Raccoon because “he was intrigued by the bizarre murders cases in Raccoon City” going in the news. 

Because of this, *my* Leon S. Kennedy:

– Was born in small Galena/Illinois. His parents moved to Chicago/IL when he was around 8;

– So, huge fan of the Chicago Bears (and the Chicago Bulls);

– Leon was lovingly raised by a very Catholic couple, Liliana and Isaac;

– Since Kennedy and Scott are, respectively, an Irish surname and a Scottish name and Leon is not an unusual name in Polish (check out about Polish Americans in Illinois and you’ll have a more proper comprehension of my thought process) and German cultures, I think Isaac would be a man of mixed Irish and Scottish heritage, and Liliana of Polish and German heritage;

– Although, his biological parents were actually Roberto (Italo-American punk) and Abigail, Liliana’s youngest sister;

– Robby was a drunken deadbeat, while Abbie was an airhead obsessively in love. Leon was conceived when they were both very young – his mom had sixteen and his dad eighteen;

– Liliana had three daughters (ages 10, 13 and 15) by then (1977), but she and Isaac always dreamed of having a little boy. They even tried to, but the attempts led to miscarriage after miscarriage, so when Abbie gave birth to Leon, the couple was pretty much devoted to their nephew, always visiting to see him and make sure he was properly being taken care of;

– Robby took note of all that and when Leon was only barely one year old, he packed his and Abbie’s stuff and imposed that he was leaving and that she should go with him, leaving the baby behind, telling her that surely Liliana would raise him as if he were hers;

– Indeed she did, albeit feeling distraught by her sister’s complete negligence;

– Isaac adored the boy, and Leon’s three cousins always treated him as their little brother;

– Also: Liliana decided she wanted to erase Abbie’s true connection to Leon, so she got rid of all the photographies that led to those deductions, leaving only the ones that showed baby Leon alone or the ones with the rest of his relatives, but not with his biological parents. Isaac never agreed with this, though. He believed that once Leon got older, he had the right to know his origins, believing that if their love for the boy was true he’d love them back and recognise their role in his life, so there was no need to lie. Thus, he kept a photo that featured Robby resting a hand in Abbie’s shoulder while she was breast-feeding Leon;

– Isaac was very ill when Leon was nearing his eighteenth birthday, and passed away just five months prior to Leon turning nineteen (Isaac was sixty-three years old by his time of death). Leon found that hidden photo after Isaac’s death since his dad left most of his personal belongings to Leon;

– Leon never confronted his mother on it, putting together two and two and realising his biological parents haven’t thought twice before abandoning him, so he shouldn’t bother with them either as he was raised in a genuinely loving and supportive family;

– As I said, Leon has three older sisters: Lydia (born 1962), Meryl (born 1964) and Olivia (born 1967). Two nephews from Lyds’ side, and a niece from Liv’s;

– Parents personalities: I picture Leon’s dad as a mixture of both Jonathan Kent (DC Comics) and Eddard Stark (ASoIaF). A firm, caring, kind, upfront and sincere man with high moral values, strong ethics and unwavering sense of justice, who valued honesty above all else and always believed in the best of people and in helping others, true to the “love your neighbour as yourself” commandment. Liliana was the more stern parent (especially with Lydia, always wanting and expecting her to set out a good example for her siblings), so I picture her as a fierce, proud and honest woman, passionately protective and supportive of her family, that dedicated herself entirely to whatever she put her mind into (domestic activities, city projects, EVERYTHING); 

– Lydia would be the “Patricia Arquette’s character in Boyhood (2014)” kind of woman. Kind-hearted, hardworking and amazing, but guilty as charged of the serious flaw of always being romantically involved with scumbags. A Geriatric Nurse, divorced twice, mother to Kilian and Luke – both kids from her first marriage;

– By the way, Kilian is a problem-child and Lucas is the emo kid. Leon has trouble dealing with both;

– On top of it, Leon have several difficulties dealing with Lydia. Being the most distant from him in age terms, Lydia always came off as a bit distant to and unnecessarily strict with him;

– Meryl is Leon’s lesbian best buddy. Confidant, a bit arrogant, always open to give advice, prone to bluntly point out faults in her loved ones and to get angry with Lydia. She graduated in architecture and is a state employee, working as an Urban Planner. Has cleaning OCD;

– Olivia is the sister Leon was closest to since it was with her he had the “smallest” age difference. Driven, headstrong, empathetic and an introvert, she’s actually the one who inspired him to join Law Enforcement and is now a detective in Massachusetts. Liv has a long-time relationship with Peter, whom she met during her childhood in school, and they have a daughter, Harriet (any coincidence with Olivia Dunham from Fringe (2008-2013) is on purpose since Olivia would be Leon’s perfect older sister, ok);

– Leon’s sense of humour takes much after his brother-in-law’s one, Peter, considering he spent a lot of time with him as he would be a frequent guest to their house;

– He fell in love for the first time when he was in middle school in his seventh grade with an eighth grade girl, Allison, who was an exceptionally good basketball player and would kick his ass in all the practice games;

– Allie has very evident native-American heritage, skin and eye colour, hair;

– It was Allie the long-time girlfriend who broke up with him right before Raccoon. She felt he was being distant even prior to his decision to be a cop in Raccoon City. In truth, what happened was that Leon feared his future being set stone too early in his life the way things were going. His wishes to have more agency over the shaping of his own destiny started driving him further and further away from Allie as he felt she was expecting their relationship to progress over time to the building of a family etc.;

– Meryl and Olivia both loved Allie and to this day they don’t get over the fact that Leon didn’t marry her;

– Leon unwillingly distanced himself from his sisters, though, only contacting them for birthday calls and holidays alike because of all of that government recruitment stuff and classified shit and also dealing with a heavy emotional load after surviving Raccoon;

– The only reason Hunnigan found out that Leon had living relatives was that Lydia called to give Leon the news of Liliana’s death in 2010 (by seventy-two years of age) on work-time. Leon, of course, was very shaken with the news;

– While Leon only knows what Ada herself lets him about her past, family, childhood and the circumstances that put her precisely where she is now, Ada knows everything there is to know about his past, family, childhood and the circumstances that placed him precisely where he is now because she’s very competent at her job and did her homework as a spy (this will die with her, but for countless times she fantasized about him confiding all of those mundane details of his life and backstory in her);

– I’m very convinced that in one of those nights Ada visited him for some hoochie coochie after like, six to eight months without seeing or talking to him at all, Leon had to break up the news that she came in in a bad time since he already planned for a Thanksgiving dinner with his sisters. Ada accepts the challenge because she’s been REALLY missing him (horny on main). Ah, and he’s quite upset with her because of that “six to eight months with no news at all” “little” issue. So, picture that. Please.

And that is all I have for “Leon’s family” headcanons. For now. As I warned: PLENTY. Hahahahaha, sorry! Hope this can provide some entertainment and delight to you.

[concerningwolves]

The first time I heard the word gay in a derogatory context, I was on the playground with my then-best friend. This was early middle school, so ... somewhere between 2008–2010. I saw someone I used to be good friends with, and pointed him out. He was in the year above us, and I thought he was the most insanely cool person ever because he wore his uniform jumper sleeves rolled up in such a way that the hems were hidden and the sleeve went all baggy. My friend went very quiet, then she looked at me sidelong and said in a low, cautious voice "But [Art], that makes him look ... gay."

I don't remember if she told me what gay meant then. I was a horridly oblivious child unless something related directly to my interests (it was the autism), so I was used to Not Knowing Things. I do remember that it was like a gate had opened, and suddenly I was noticing people using it everywhere. Those Stabilo lefthanded pens were "gay". The glue sticks that had gone all dry and useless were "gay". You were gay if you rolled your sleeves up, if you let your hands flop limply, if you wore your uniform tie in a certain way. I became intensely embarrassed if a book used "gay" in any context (even though that context was invariably the older "happy or glad" meaning), and worried that someone would see that I was reading something with the Bad Word in it. I don't think any of us got what gay meant, except something to be laughed at, ostracised and avoided.

But what really sticks with me about this, even above the deep-seated homophobia of it all, was the utter resounding silence from adults. We had a teacher in year six (2011/12) who did a series of assemblies about bad language – about how we shouldn't swear, and how we shouldn't call each other cruel names. Nowhere in there did she tell us to stop using gay like an insult. Kids would shriek "ew that's so gay!" loud enough to be heard across the classroom and no teacher ever told them not to say it, but you'd get in trouble for saying damn.

It wasn't until I was in high school – in 2014 – that a teacher called an assembly with our year group and said "Stop it. A pen can't be gay. A wonky eraser can't be gay. Only people can be gay". He then put up those "Some people are gay. Get over it!" posters all around the school and gave negative points to anyone he heard calling inanimate objects gay. As far as educating kids on queer issues goes, this left a lot to be desired – but the bar was already so low you couldn't slide a hair beneath it. Piss poor as it was, that teacher's effort felt utterly revolutionary to me. I knew by then that my uncle was gay, but it still felt like a such a distant and uncomfortable subject because I just didn't know how to approach it. Having someone stand up and say gay without a flinch or a sneer was thoroughly shocking. And it bears repeating: this was in 2014. That's the same year as Juno Dawson's This Book is Gay came out (a book which, incidentally, blew my eyes wide open about a long of things re: my own identity).

The mid '10s were certainly when attitudes shifted, at least in my area of England. Homophobia was still there, but it had stopped being so casually relentless and "cool". When I was looking at high schools in 2012/13, the one I chose had a bad reputation for being "full of lesbians" because it was a same-sex school. When my little sister was looking at high schools in 2016/17, that lingering taboo around the school had almost completely faded. None of her friends even knew about the school's old nickname, which was a homophobic pun on the name (and which people literally used to chant in the street to mock the children who'd decided to attend that school). My sister's peers were all more concerned about the horrible outdated uniforms.

I'm at least four decades away from being anything like a "queer elder" in even the loosest definition of the phrase, but holy fuck thinking about this makes me feel Old. There are people only a handful of years younger than me who don't remember any of this stuff firsthand – and while I am so, so happy that they never went through it, it blows my mind how they can't conceptualise what it was like. It also blows my mind that I can, because I did go through it, and I went through it in a time that most kids think of as being progressive and ~woke~.

We're so, so much closer to our history than most young queers want to realise.

not to downplay how much homophobia is still an issue but i feel like it would be impossible to communicate to The Youth today just how intense homophobia was in like, the 90's and early 00's

[monaedroid]

She rose to fame as an endlessly inventive pop android. Now, she's finally revealing the real person waiting inside

Janelle Monáe is crying in her spacesuit. It's early April in Atlanta, and she's in one of the basement studios of her Wondaland Records headquarters, surrounded by computer monitors and TV screens, one of them running a screensaver that displays images of her heroes: Prince, Martin Luther King Jr., Pam Grier, Tina Turner, Lupita Nyong'o, David Bowie. She's about to reveal, for the first time, something the world has long guessed, something her closest friends and family already know, something she's long been loath to say in public. As she sings on a song from her new album, Dirty Computer,"Let the rumors be true." Janelle Monáe is not, she finally admits, the immaculate android, the "alien from outer space/The cybergirl without a face" she's claimed to be over a decade's worth of albums, videos, concerts and even interviews – she is, instead, a flawed, messy, flesh-and-blood 32-year-old human being.

And she has another rumor to confirm. "Being a queer black woman in America," she says, taking a breath as she comes out, "someone who has been in relationships with both men and women – I consider myself to be a free-ass motherfucker." She initially identified as bisexual, she clarifies, "but then later I read about pansexuality and was like, ‘Oh, these are things that I identify with too.' I'm open to learning more about who I am."

It's a lovely spacesuit she's wearing, a form-fitting white NASA artifact complete with a commander patch on one arm and an American flag on the other. She's put it on for no reason at all – there are no cameras in sight – as she lounges around Wondaland. The outfit is a remnant, perhaps, of the android persona, known as Cindi Mayweather, that she fed us all these years: a messianic, revolutionary robot who fell in love with a human and vowed to free the rest of the androids.

Early in her career, Monáe was insecure about living up to impossible showbiz ideals; the persona, the androgynous outfits, the inflexible commitment to the storyline both on- and offstage, served in part as protective armor. "It had to do with the fear of being judged," she says. "All I saw was that I was supposed to look a certain way coming into this industry, and I felt like I [didn't] look like a stereotypical black female artist."

She is also a perfectionist, a tendency that's helped her career and hindered her emotional life; portraying a flawless automaton was also a bit of wish fulfillment. It's one of the many reasons she thought she had a "computer virus" that needed cleaning, which led her to years of therapy, starting before the 2010 release of her debut, The ArchAndroid. "I felt misunderstood," she says. "I was like, ‘Before I self-destruct, before I become a confused person in front of the world, let me seek some help.' I was afraid for anybody to see me not at the top of my game. That obsession was too much for me."

So she overcompensated, as she puts it, leaving fans to puzzle over the sight and sound of a dark-skinned, androgynously dressed black woman creating Afro-futuristic fantasias as trippy as the Parliament-Funkadelic soundscapes she grew up hearing. She became a pop anomaly, a sometimes incongruous interloper in the universes of her earliest supporters, Big Boi and Puff Daddy, the latter having signed her to a partnership with Bad Boy Records in 2008. The ArchAndroidwas a buzzy introduction, and 2013's Electric Lady – certainly the first progged-out concept album in the history of Bad Boy – established her as one of the 21st century's most inventive voices. Years before Frank Ocean, Solange, Beyoncé and SZA pushed arty, alternative R&B to the mainstream, Monáe was already there, bridging the gap between neo-soul and all that was to come, unafraid to fuse rock, funk, hip-hop (when she feels like it, as on her recent single "Django Jane," she's a top-flight rapper), R&B, electronica and campy, drama-kid theatricality.

She always ducked questions about her sexuality ("I only date androids" was a stock response) but embedded the real answers in her music. "If you listen to my albums, it's there," she says. She cites "Mushrooms & Roses" and "Q.U.E.E.N.," two songs that reference a character named Mary as an object of affection. In the 45-minute film accompanying Dirty Computer, "Mary Apple" is the name given to female "dirty computers" taken captive and stripped of their real names, one of whom is played by Tessa Thompson. (The actress has been rumored to be Monáe's girlfriend, though Monáe won't discuss her dating life.) The original title of "Q.U.E.E.N.," she notes, was "Q.U.E.E.R.," and you can still hear the word on the track's background harmonies.

Monáe is the CEO of her own label, a CoverGirl model and a movie star, appearing in the Oscar-winning Moonlight and the Oscar-nominated Hidden Figures, two hits led by black casts. In both films, she tackles black American stories that don't typically get the big-screen treatment. "Our stories are being erased, basically," she says of her attachment to those scripts, which made her "want to tell my story." Monáe does worry that the human behind her masks may not be enough. She has asked aloud, including in therapy, "What if people don't think I'm as interesting as Cindi Mayweather?" She'll miss the freedom of being the android. "I created her, so I got to make her be whatever I wanted her to be. I didn't have to talk about the Janelle Monáe who was in therapy. It's Cindi Mayweather. She is who I aspire to be." On Dirty Computer, the only hints of sci-fi are in the title and the storyline of the accompanying film. The lyrics are flesh-and-blood confessions of both physical and emotional insecurity, punctuated with sexual liberation. They're the unfiltered desires of an overthinker letting herself speak without pause, for once. And she wants to help listeners gain the courage to be dirty computers too. "I want young girls, young boys, nonbinary, gay, straight, queer people who are having a hard time dealing with their sexuality, dealing with feeling ostracized or bullied for just being their unique selves, to know that I see you," she says in a tone befitting the commander patch on her arm. "This album is for you. Be proud."

Monáe grew up in a massive, devoutly Baptist family in Kansas City, Kansas, or as she likes to put it, "I got 50 first cousins!" Not all of them know details of her romantic life, but they have almost certainly seen her wear sheer pants and share a lollipop with Thompson in the "Make Me Feel" video. "I literally do not have time," she says, laughing, "to hold a town-hall meeting with my big-ass family and be like, ‘Hey, news flash!' " She worries that when we visit Kansas City tomorrow, they'll bring it up: "There are people in my life that love me and they have questions, and I guess when I get there, I'll have to answer those questions."

Over the years, she's heard some members of her family, mostly distant ones, say certain upsetting things. "A lot of this album," she says, "is a reaction to the sting of what it means to hear people in my family say, ‘All gay people are going to hell.' "

She began questioning the Bible and her family's Baptist faith early on. Now, she says, "I serve the God of love" – love, she's determined, is the common factor among all religions, an idea Stevie Wonder expanded on in a Dirty Computer interlude.

When we arrive in the flat, industrial Kansas side of Kansas City, her family doesn't actually have any questions – or anything unkind to say, for that matter. There's just a whole lot of love for their homegrown superstar.

Janelle Monáe Robinson was born here on December 1st, 1985, to a mom who worked as a janitor and a dad who was in the middle of a 21-year battle with crack addiction. Her parents separated when Monáe was less than a year old, and her mother later married the father of Janelle's younger sister, Kimmy.

Monáe's loving warnings about the sheer size of her family ring true as soon as we step into her old neighborhood. On one street, her maternal grandmother owned several homes in a row that housed cousins, aunts, uncles and Monáe herself. A few minutes away is her paternal great-grandmother's pastel-coated house. Monáe spent a significant portion of her time there – it was her main connection to her dad and his family as he went in and out of prison; their relationship was rocky until he got sober 13 years ago. Another short car ride away is her maternal Aunt Glo's home, where we meet her mom. "She's my favorite slice of pie," her Auntie Fats says, referring to Monáe's familial nickname of "pun'kin."

Monáe was raised in a working-class community called Quindaro. It started as a settlement established by Native Americans and abolitionists just prior to the Civil War, and became a refuge for black Americans escaping slavery via the Underground Railroad. A few weeks before our visit, vandals painted swastikas and "Hail Satan" on a statue of abolitionist John Brown in the neighborhood. It's since been repainted. "I know nobody in this neighborhood did that," her great-grandmother says, shaking her head. "Outsiders."

On the Missouri side of the bridge, Kansas City is predominately white, but Monáe's community is overwhelmingly black. "I would read about where I was from," she says, "and understand who's really disadvantaged coming from these environments. It sucks. It's like that for brown folks." It's hard to miss her family's religiosity – they hardly get a sentence out without a mention of God's blessings. At 91, Monáe's great-grandma still monitors the halls at the local vacation Bible school with a switch in hand. During our visit, she sits behind a piano to lead a gospel singalong. Monáe, beside an aunt and a cousin, joins in, belting "Call Him Up and Tell Him What You Want" and "Savior, Do Not Pass Me By."

Monáe is never more relaxed during our time together than when she's in Kansas City. Her Midwestern drawl comes back as she screams and sings while running into the arms of her cousins, aunts and uncles, many of whom she gets to see only during the holidays or tour stops nearby. At one point, she curls up into her mom's lap while they look at a homemade poster full of sepia-toned childhood pics. "She was a delightful baby," Auntie Fats recalls.

Monáe's family members all share different versions of the same story: She was born to be a star, and she made that clear as soon as she gained motor skills. There was that time she got escorted out of church for insisting on singing Michael Jackson's "Beat It" in the middle of the service. There were the talent shows for Juneteenth where she covered "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" three years in a row and won each time. She was the star of the school musicals, except for The Wiz her senior year, when she lost the role of Dorothy because she had to leave the audition early to pick up her mom at work. She's still a bit miffed about not getting that part.

Monáe soon passed a bigger audition, for the American Musical and Dramatic Academy, and headed to New York. She studied musical theater and shared a small apartment with a cousin where she didn't even have a bed to herself. When she wasn't in class, she was working.

Meanwhile, an old friend was having the college experience Monáe desired, in Atlanta, so she relocated. The rest is well-trod history in the myth-building of Monáe: She was an Afro'd neo-soul singer strumming her guitar on college quads and working at Office Depot. She was fired from that job for using one of the company's computers to respond to a fan's e-mail, an incident that inspired the song "Lettin' Go."

That song caught the attention of Big Boi, who put her on Outkast's Idlewild and helped connect her with Sean Combs. "I'm-a be honest with you," her dad says, recalling an invite to one of Monáe's shows in Atlanta, where Combs was supposed to be in the house. "I was like, ‘Yeah, right.' I didn't think Puff Daddy was coming."

Skepticism aside, Michael Robinson was proud of the invite. He'd recently gotten sober, and the two were repairing their relationship. He spent much of Janelle's childhood hearing about her immense talents from the more-present members of their family. He was honored that they had come far enough for Monáe to want him to be there for such an important concert. But he still didn't believe Puffy would be there.

"I go down there with my two cousins, and she says, ‘Dad, everyone's gonna know you're not from here. Your jeans are creased.' " Fashion faux pas aside – he insists he hasn't creased his jeans since – Robinson was in for a pleasant surprise when one of his cousins spotted Combs and Big Boi in the back. It was the beginning of his daughter's new life, and he was just in time to be along for the journey. "I remember thinking, ‘This is what the big time is like,' " he muses. "They had all the cameras, all the lights. It was all about Janelle."

Wondaland Arts Society's headquarters feels like a utopian synthesis of Monáe's past lives in Kansas City and Manhattan. It sits inconspicuously in the midst of suburban Atlanta and looks like every other neighborhood home, with its two floors and brick exterior. Inside is much more ostentatious, with vintage clocks wallpapering the foyer, pristine white couches in the communal living spaces, and books and records everywhere.

It mimics the close-knit, constant accessibility of her childhood in Kansas City, with all its artists popping in and out of the space throughout each day to record new music, rehearse for shows and present the final product to the rest of the collective. At one point, the singer-rapper Jidenna shows up, having recently returned from a trip to Africa – everyone immediately starts teasing him about his newly buff physique.

Simultaneously, Chuck Lightning, seemingly the more extroverted half of two-man funk act Deep Cotton, who make their own music as well as work with Monáe, grabs a bowl of quinoa from the kitchen as Monáe doles out decisions on which version of the "Pynk" video will be released (they settle on the one without the spoken-word love poem that appears within the song in the film).

Monáe recorded most of Dirty Computer here, in a small studio with Havana-inspired decor. Guests and collaborators ranged from Grimes to Brian Wilson, who added harmonies to the title track. The album's liner notes cite Bible verses and a recent Quincy Jones interview alongside Monica Sjöö's The Great Cosmic Mother and Ryan Coogler's Black Panther.

But she was particularly close to one inspiration. Monáe was good friends with Prince, who personally blessed the album's glossy camp tone and synthed-out hooks. "When Prince heard this particular direction, he was like, ‘That's what y'all need to be doing,' " Lightning says. "He picked out that sound as what was resonating with him." Prince gave highly specific music and equipment recommendations from the era they were drawing on, including Gary Numan, whom he loved. "The most powerful thing he could do was give us the brushes to paint with," Lightning says.

Rumors spread that Prince co-wrote the single "Make Me Feel," which features a "Kiss"-like guitar riff. "Prince did not write that song," says Monáe, who sorely missed his advice during the production process. "It was very difficult writing this album without him." Prince was the first person to get a physical copy of The ArchAndroid – she presented the CD to him with a flower and the titles written out by hand. "As we were writing songs, I was like, ‘What would Prince think?' And I could not call him. It's a difficult thing to lose your mentor in the middle of a journey they had been a part of."

Stevie Wonder was another early fan of Monáe, and a conversation between them – Wonder insisted she record it – appears as an interlude on Dirty Computer. At one point, years ago, her budding friendships with both legends collided: She had to choose between playing with Prince at Madison Square Garden or with Wonder in Los Angeles. Prince encouraged her to pick Stevie.

On election night in 2016, Monáe found herself experiencing an unfamiliar emotion. "For the first time," she says, "I felt scared." Overnight, she went from living in a country whose president loved her music and had her perform on the White House lawn to one where it felt like her right to exist was threatened. "I felt like if I wake up tomorrow," she says, "are people going to feel they have the right to just, like, kill me now?"

Monáe had already been a committed activist. In 2015, with members of Wondaland, she created "Hell You Talmbout," which demands we say the names of black Americans who have been victims of racial violence and police brutality. Before #MeToo and Time's Up, Monáe created an organization, Fem the Future, which stemmed from her frustrations about opportunities for women in the music industry. She was called on to perform at the 2017 Women's March and to speak about Time's Up while introducing Kesha at the Grammys. "We come in peace, but we mean business," she told the cheering crowd.

That sums up Monáe's mindset in the Trump era. She hopes not to destroy the oppressors but to change their minds. "The conversations might not happen with people in the position of power," she says, "but they can happen through a movie, they can happen through a song, they can happen through an album, they can happen through a speech on TV. Most of them will probably turn off their TVs, but . . ."

She's in a New York hotel now, two weeks before the album's release. "There's some anxiety there, but I feel brave," she says, teetering between her typical sternness and a bit of vulnerable shakiness. No tears will be shed today. "My musical heroes did not make the sacrifices they did for me to live in fear." Her activism isn't the focus of Dirty Computer, but it's there, hovering above every note. She ended band rehearsal in Atlanta by asking the musicians to reflect on how American this album is. Monáe's America is the one on the fringes; it accepts the outsiders and the computers with viruses, like the ones she thought she had.

She understands the significance of now making her personal life a bigger, louder part of her art. She cites the conversation around one of her films as an example of how she might use her own story to engage with more-conservative listeners. "When I did Hidden Figures, there were some Republican white men tweeting about it and how they just felt bad. You could feel through their tweets that they were just like, ‘These black women did help us get to space. How could we treat them like that?' "

Meanwhile, she's again anticipating questions from her family back in Kansas. She seems more worried about them than what anyone else has to say. Still, Dirty Computer is meant to be a celebration, and if she loses a few people along the way, Monáe seems OK with that risk.

"Through my experiences, I hope people are seen and heard," she says, sitting at a hotel-room desk, dressed up from a day of promo in a puffy black-and-red jacket, matching red pants and terry-cloth hotel slippers. "I may make some mistakes. I may have to learn on the go, but I'm open to this journey." She sighs, voice confident and stare unfaltering. "I need to go through this. We need to go through this. Together. I'm going to make you empathize with dirty computers all around the world."

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/cover-story-janelle-monae-prince-new-lp-her-sexuality-w519523

[de-boeldieu]

My Aviation Films List

I know some of you might be wondering why I did this to myself, and the answer is simple; I’m bored and I like movies, and I stumbled across so many films that I felt it was my duty to watch some regardless of quality. Oh boy did this prove to be a challenge.

There were a total of 22 movies on the list. Two films I was unable to watch Journey Together ( 1945 ) (anything on the film seemed to be lost, unfortunately), and a 30 minute Hitchcock French propaganda short called Bon Voyage ( 1944 ) (version I watched was slightly screwed up, and some of the English subtitles were translated incorrectly).

However, I was able to watch every other film on the list! Granted, completing this took a LOT longer than I anticipated.

I’m not quite sure how I should go about writing, but I suppose I will rank each film to my own personal opinions of what they were like, with a brief summary, and any small notes I had whilst watching. If you’d like a more in depth summary or any additional details I had while watching the film, ask me, or look the name up if it interests you.

Also I’d just like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to anyone who takes the time to read some of these. You’re ace.

In order, from my favorite to least favorite:

1. La Grande Illusion ( 1937 )

Oooh my god you guys, this film made me cry so hard. Trust me, the dramatic music on the title card is there for a reason. A French film set in WWI, where French pilots get captured and sent to German POW camps where they make attempts to escape. It also has low key socialist sentiments. Some parts are a little cheesy because it’s a 30s film, but still amazing.

The only thing I was not terribly fond of was the last half hour or so, just really wasn’t my thing. But overall? Absolutely brilliant.

2. Dark Blue World ( 2001 )

A Czech film about two WWII Czech RAF pilots and their friendship, both loving the same woman. This one will also make you cry. Really beautiful film.

I was super worried that the romance in it was just sort of going to be thrust in there, but it certainly was not. Drama was great and all the characters were super memorable and had their own personalities. Highly recommend this one.

3. Riders In The Sky ( 1968 )

Another Czech film about WWII Czech RAF pilots. About the dynamic between a bomber crew and how they cope with the war, and the Battle of Britain. It’s adorable and I highly recommend this one too.

4. Into The White ( 2010 )

A Norwegian movie based on the story of how an RAF bomber crew and a Luftwaffe bomber crew both get shot down in the middle of Norway, and then had to learn to get along and work together to survive. What a wonderful film. Some parts can be predictable, but as a whole good. An interesting character study. Also it gets bonus points from me because it has a ginger, Scottish RAF Air gunner.

5. Wings ( 1927 )

A VERY long silent film. Takes place during WWI, two American fighter pilots, both in love with the same girl, and another girl is in love (requited) with one of them. About their rivalry and friendship, and how they deal with training and the war. The training scenes were delightful. I was worried I was going to get bored, but it was actually super excellent (and sad too). The camera work was brilliant and the musical score was amazing. It also has the first ever on-screen same-sex kiss. A really great film, even if silent films aren’t your thing, there’s SO much drama in this one. If you already love silent films, you will adore this movie, but I’d recommend it to most anyone.

6. The Dawn Patrol ( 1930 ) & ( 1938 )

About an RFC commander during WWI, who is distraught over casualties, an RFC captain, and his friend. The captain lashes out at the commander over the casualties as well after the death of a friend. Eventually the captain replaces the commander and starts to understand the stress of the job the previous major had, as his friend begins to lash out at him.

I thought it was an interesting take on both the pilots and the authorities in the RFC during the war. Both provided interesting perspectives.

I can tell you right now, unless you’re dedicated like I am, the 1938 version of The Dawn Patrol is MUCH better than the 1930 one. I’d recommend watching that version, if this movie interests you.

7. The One That Got Away ( 1957 )

About the only Luftwaffe pilot to ever escape from British POW camps. Usually I’m very wary of films that have WWII German characters, but this was very well written and remained predominantly neutral through the whole thing. Lots of clever escapes. If you like Luftwaffe pilots, escape films, and / or old movies, you will adore this film.

8. The Dam Busters ( 1955 )

A damn fine film. About the invention of the RAF “bouncing bomb” used to destroy German dams in WWII, and the RAF Squadron that flew the Lancasters to drop them. The writer of the movie was R.C. Sheriff, the original author of the play Journey’s End. Really enjoyed every aspect of the movie, my only complaint is that it was dreadfully long. Overall, a good movie, if this sort of thing interests you.

9. One Of Our Aircraft Is Missing ( 1942 )

Hands down the most intense opening scenes I had watched in any of these movies. About an RAF bomber getting shot down over Nazi occupied Holland, and they have to escape to England without being caught.

I remember being really engaged in this movie and I quite enjoyed the witty British banter. A good movie, if you like old ones.

10. La Grande Vadrouille ( 1966 )

A French WWII war comedy film about two Frenchmen who help a British bomber crew who crashed in France escape to Britain. Very strange? But also funny? But also a little dated but also incredibly hilarious? I was just really intrigued by it honestly. Reminded me of a few Monty Python sketches, despite this film being made years prior. You will either really enjoy it or not at all, but if it interests you, I’d recommend giving it a watch.

11. The Eagle And The Hawk ( 1933 )

Takes place in WWI and is about two American pilots, and various other ones, and how the war affects them, some more than others. I remember this movie surprising me quite a lot, which I think is good for a war film dealing with the sudden deaths of your comrades. Good movie, although not as well executed as The Dawn Patrol.

12. Reach For The Sky ( 1956 )

This one is LONG. About Douglas Bader, pretty much. A cute film though. You will like it if Bader or famous World War aces are your cup of tea.

13. Aces High ( 1976 )

So this movie was based off Journey’s End, except with aeroplanes. It also draws from Sagittarius Rising by Cecil Lewis (a book I’ve been meaning to find and read). If you know the plot of that play (and now more recently a movie), you will know the plot of this movie, except the names are changed. It’s a character study of three RFC pilots during WWI and the life expectancy of “Green pilots” AKA newly trained pilots.

Was a cute movie, not as good as the Journey’s End film from this year however. A lot of awkward silences and I really didn’t understand why? There was also a L’Armée de L’Air Officer who was having NONE of the British banter.

But if you liked Journey’s End and wished there were more pilots then you will enjoy it. The movie might be an interesting watch for those of you who are fans of the original play and / or movie as well.

14. The First Of The Few ( 1942 ), also titled The Spitfire

About the invention of the Spitfire fighter plane. Good if you’re really into aviation. Really liked the witty banter, however.

15. Johnny In The Clouds ( 1945 ), also titled The Way To The Stars

A romance drama. Takes place during WWII in Britain. Initially about two RAF pilots, one married and the other one with a girlfriend that he goes through a serious of hardships with. Then the 8th USAAF come, then it’s about two USAAF pilots and one RAF one, and the widowed wife. One of the USAAF pilots looks and acts like a Tarantino character. Really boring until the Americans come. I’d recommend this to people who like period romances and dramas, but the cultural stuff between the Brits and Americans was pretty good. An alright movie that takes a little bit to get into.

16. Memphis Belle ( 1990 )

REALLY CHEESY. About 8th USAAF in Britain, the bomber crew of the B-17, Memphis Belle. Except it’s not actually the crew, it’s just characters based on them. I remember the dialogue being cheesy, but still somehow better than Flyboys. Also felt pretty entertained the entire thing. A nice detail I liked was that all the bomber crew had their own individually painted A-2 jackets. Characteristic of mostly American bomber crews, and I thought that was a unique touch.

If you like cheesy, feel-good, American WWII movies, you will really like this film.

17. The Red Baron ( 2008 )

About Manfred von Richthofen. Not super accurate, but a decent amount of research done. I remember it being boring, but some of the camera shots were beautiful, looked like paintings. Boring though.

18. Angels One Five ( 1952 )

About an RAF Squadron during the Battle of Britain, except it’s more about the superior officers in that Squadron rather than the pilots. Boring, but the camera work was super high quality for a 50s film? There’s a scene where a Hurricane crashes into a base home. But mostly just officers talking and ordering folks around.

19. Twelve O’Clock High ( 1949 )

Incredibly dull and boring. Nothing but USAAF generals talking, then a bomber scene that was also boring. Flat, bland, and uninspired camerawork. Would not recommend.

20. Flyboys ( 2005 )

I’m sure many of you lads have seen my rant on this film. It’s an ugly, awful, waste of film. I can’t describe the plot of the movie, because there really isn’t one, except that a group of American volunteer pilots, called the Lafayette Escadrille, go to war. That’s it.

I found myself either laughing or yelling at the absolute ridiculousness of this film. It’s dreadful, but depending on your sense of humor, it’s VERY entertaining.

Would recommend watching it drunk, for an even more enhanced experience. I’d also suggest it if bad, horribly inaccurate, and ridiculously American action movies are your thing, you’ll have an absolute blast.

Thank you so much if you took any time to read even just one of these. I super appreciate it, this list was loads of fun and a rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you to those of you who enjoyed hearing my ranting about these bloody things.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Eurovision 2018 is many Eurovisions being called back to in one

2005

Just a reminder that a Hellenic banger has won that year (and Eleni Foureira is an Albanian-born Greek whereas Helena Paparizou is a Swedish-born Greek :ooooooo could this mean Albania will do mediocre in the final just like Sweden 2005???), and there was at least a rock act that... at least finished 10th? Could this repeat

2006

Of course because of the harder rock entry that was sent to Eurovision, Hungary. And somehow bookies love us this year, so there’s a possible potential of this scenario repeating too if we believe in coincidences actually repeating themselves. I propose Ukraine 2nd because of a man emerging from piano as opposed to a ballerina, Sweden 5th because... you know... and since Montenegro didn’t qualify, there’s no way a token Balkan ballad will finish 3rd, sorry guys. :’(

2008

But then again, Cyprus is hailed to be having “the new Ani Lorak”, and wouldn’t it be just the tea if she ends like... 3rd or something? Ukraine could get 2nd again just for the trolololololo, or even 1st because... Mélovin’s a Slav, and that year a Slav with a... rather interesting way of singing words in English has won. Worth noting he was barefoot though, so this opens up to have Lithuania and Hungary getting ready for something...

2010

You know the elephant in the room. Hungary might be as well 2nd (and might be as well last for all we care and tied with someone for qualification) or even end up like Teräsbetoni (which, as you all know, were somehow a bit too underrated. I hope it has nothing to do with the fact they sang rock music in their beautiful Finno-Ugric mothertongues, just like AWS). All possibly thanks to jury (hey they did have maNga lower than quite an amount of acts, but still in the top 10 I assure you!!) Also the Danish entry being a Melodifestivalen reject. Too bad Sweden still qualified :’( >:)

2011

A rollercoaster in every aspects of itself. No one knows where juries and televote will be geared towards. Will the diaspora votes prevail now that a large part of ex-Soviets are missing out of the final and there are at least some in that could snatch (that being Lithuania, Moldova, Ukraine and Estonia. My personal pick is Moldova because Kirkorov himself says that a vote for Moldova is a vote for Russia as well xD). As the Turkish diaspora was gearing towards Azerbaijan now that Turks were out of the semi. And since Italy is now underestimated thanks to being drawn after a banger, their emerging would be a surprise.

2012

Oh IDK I just had a feeling to mention a lot of ties between the past Albanian entrant and the current one because of the current one indeed covering Suus. Top 5 is, however, a wishful thinking because “Mall” isn’t a headscratcher song that sounds sorrowful but is not understood because of the waaaaaaailing (sorry but I had to bring Hungary on to this as well, no one understands what’s it about because of the language, a bit of a headscratcher because of the screeeaaaaaming and a song about... actual death??? Wouldn’t you want to scream after losing someone too, through tears at least?), “Mall” is mostly longing for hope and the close one to come back because (s)he can. And it sounds rather... cheerful, which is why I love it so much to the levels of Naviband’s one. Speaking of which, it’s a year my #1 was predicted not to qualify by a lot of authorities, but it FUCKING did and was announced late-ish, so of course I was happy for Malta 2012 and Albania 2018 qualifying against all the odds! ^^

2013

Lots. I was a 13-year-old who foolishly believed in the victory of Sweden with deeply knowing that “yeah Denmark’s gonna win this, it’s the bookies fav, what’d you expect?!” and therefore there’s no chance for a host victory. That’s not the same I feel about Cláudia Pascoal, and I even wonder WHY people think this could also be a surprise winner! No. Instead I want my 4th place to win and I know it won’t because there are now bigger cheers for other few songs?!  A dance song from the radio already tanked this year (Cascada kind of underperformed and sorry not sorry but the dress was ugly imo, Lukas Meijer kind of recreated the bad vocal vibes he had in the national NF and esp. in second chorus). Hungary doing at least a “Kedvesem” type of result would be just great enough, because oddly enough, AWS were placing 4th in jury’s result for to make A Dal’s superfinal and so was ByeAlex. Bizarrculous? 0_0 There might also be a theory for me to have Albania 2018 and Lithuania 2013 attached (more like Hungary 2018 could relate to Lithuania 2013 because the lead singer of the former was shown drinking a lot while the latter looked like he was already drunk) because... we had to have a token chill guy with a rock-sounding song through and they could also do really badly. For this one, don’t mind me.

2014

The odds were different before rehearsals, so they are this year as well. Austria and The Netherlands rushed up to the to-o-op (i x my heart haha lol) after rehearsals and during the heat of dress rehearsals, and so does Cyprus, Lithuania, Ireland (can you BELIEVE Ireland was 3rd in the odds after being 17th in the QUALIFICATION odds?! Yeah, things bizarre. #gaypower), Moldova... etc etc. No token Sammarinese qualification unfortunately. And Lea Sirk had to do something with qualification of her nation, sweet.

2015

Guess a fellow hero who got drawn 13th in semi 2... >:) Yeah, believe it or not but apparently the name Örs (the name of the AWS frontman) has to do something with the word “hero” in Hungarian, or so I was told by a friend, but that also could be a quite skewered meaning of that word because the actual meaning of that word in Hungarian is “hős”, so it’s not an exact meaning of the name but somewhere up there (also might mean “man”). Fun fact, according to one Hungarian chronicler, one of the seven chieftains of Hungary was bearing that name (the other chronicler of the name Anonymus (I shit you not) thinks it was Ond). Also, Italy is drawn last and gets quite the following on Tumblr, so if they don’t win, that will mean that some will definitely regard this song as the true winner of 2018, just like they’re doing it to Il Volo (and some doing the same to Sergey in 2016 and Francesco in 2017). Token rock act, this time again from a Finno-Ugric nation, except that this one smelled like a delibarate failure because the song is short, there’s no melodic singer per se and the band was made up of mentally disabled middle-aged men who’re already a cult in their homeland. Not to mention that their 3 letter acronym, PKN, always had the same meaning ever since creation, but there’s a whole more lot you can do with AWS and the number of it keeps on growing, and even the band itself acknowledges it. There’s a wheelchair girl from a Slavic country too, but she got impacted in an accident while Yulia had that disease somewhat since childhood. Montenegrin balkan ballad. And a song titled “goodbye” (in another language and also did way better than this year’s “goodbye” title that was sole, the other one has another word in it so yeah). San Marino sent an almost delibarate failure (as Switzerland were the actual last placers in semi) by pairing two people. I thought I could think of more but my mind is dry

2016

Guess who else just got the 21st draw in the final~ okay I need to cut this more often. Israel was also hailed as divisive, and even if their momentum has faded, maybe they will win afterall? Except that it is more positively divisive than negatively. Also, lots of Bergendahlizations (well not that many but Greece and Bosnia & Herzegovina were finally out of the final for at least a year, and Greece can add a second year out while Czech Republic can add a second year in! Will this be the new Finland-Cyprus?).

2017

Madame Monsieur/Metamoro are the new Salvador Sobral maybe (with their acronym letters being similar like MM MM SS)? Netta is the new Francesco Gabbani? Sennek is the new Blanche during rehearsals, yeah that’s for sure, except that Sennek flopped and Blanche’s fragility was rewarded by televoters en masse. Also, Macedonia got a good modern song whose chances was smashed by the poor performance and the draw 3rd wasn’t so cursed afterall, at least in semi 1! ^^ Another Maltese try-hard artist in their NF finally went to Eurovision and failed to qualify. Guess that’s all I can think of at the moment? (Also a country with red-green colors on flag won last year, but there’s a drill that their coat of arms is on their flag too, which has yellow on it... :’) )

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE TROUBLE WITH THE BUBBLE GOT RIGHT

Some would-be successors both directly, as Roger Bannister did, by lodging the idea in users' minds that a single man in possession of a good programming language should, like oil paint, make it available, and if one group is a minority in some population, pairs of them will; the rest will still be scooping ice cream. Some VCs will offer you an artificially low valuation to see if the results are distinctly inferior. Right now, VCs often knowingly invest too much money chasing too few good deals. Another powerful motivator is the prospect of an immediate reward to motivate you. William the Conqueror distributed the estates of the monasteries to his followers, the conflict was military. And usually the acquirer doesn't pay till the developers have proven themselves. Hundreds if not thousands of conversations of this type by teachers, because I have to admit it's one of those rare, historic shifts in the way math or history or most other university subjects do. The most efficient way to reach me, how are you going to create a named function to return.

The people are the foundation of Yahoo Shopping. After two years, the red delicious apples that were red but only nominally apples. The sentence structure and even the words are different. Arguably a market is such a valuable technique that any company that needs to happen first.1 It seemed to me this couldn't possibly matter. Even with us working to make things happen, because otherwise they become implicit vote up if you believe we can improve it, which probably averages about five years. Instead of saying that is that no city with a dead center could be turned into a startup. Gradually you realize that existing conventions are not the main reason I wrote this talk for a high school.2 They want to feel safe, and death is the topic adults lie most conspicuously about to kids. Much as everyone thinks they want financial security, the next thought would have been too slow to become profitable.3 If you want to do, and even so it can't compete with Facebook.

In the times when they weren't, philosophy was hopelessly intermingled with religion. During this time you'll do little but work, because we often have to work quite closely with them for three months—so closely in fact that place was the perfect quality to instill in their kids, so it's time to buy.4 And yet because of the slow sales cycle. Ambition May 2008 Great cities attract ambitious people. Was Amazon supposed to say no. When I say Java won't turn out to be enough. To have a sense of humor is to shrug off misfortunes, and to him they looked wooden and unnatural.5 How do you do that?6 I was talking recently to a founder who considered starting a startup could well become as popular as it deserves to be famous on that account. This varies from person to person. Online dating is a valuable thing. VCs intimidating and inscrutable.7

Yahoo that grad students can do it mostly on your own projects. To answer that we have to rely on customs to protect us. But after I'd been there a few months by buying an additional disk drive. But a company with 100 people will feel a strong adherence to an ethnic or religious identity is one of the taboos a visitor from the future would agree with us most of the rest. When you can ask it of even the most successful startups have elements of both. How to Make Wealth May 2004 This essay was originally published in Hackers & Painters. Also, common spelling errors will tend to bet wrong. Why call an auction site eBay?8 You can also be in closer touch with your code. Experts have given Wikipedia middling reviews, but they were so short, nothing really had to happen; you could simply be a source of deals.9 The obvious way to solve this problem, without waiting for the line to collapse.

It's practically the standard ending in blog entries—VCs 650 33. For sufficiently small audiences, it may not be a student?10 But what they're really saying is they want both. Patent trolls are just parasites.11 And since one person can only manage so many deals, each deal has to be ignorable to work. So the language is brief to a fault. Being available means more than being installed, though. The spammers are businessmen.

This is actually a lot happier now that they didn't have to try new things, some old rules don't apply.12 Faced with the idea of reusability got attached to object-oriented techniques to do in the 90s, and OkCupid looks likely to do this if they're close in the VC business when that happens. You can ask it in real time. Not better off, as more than one function refers to the same cause: Gates and Allen wanted to move back to Canada and live in their parents' basements. If I was any good, why didn't they start them? There was then a fashionable type of program called an expert system, at the end, just as they'll do things in your early 20s that you can't find another? You can do this or not, you're planning to disprove the Pie Fallacy.13

Notes

So where do we draw the line that philosophy will suffer by comparison, because you're throwing off your own time in the comment sorting algorithm. Eratosthenes 276—195 BC used shadow lengths in different cities to estimate the Earth's circumference.

I have about thirty friends whose opinions I care about, like hedge funds, are better college candidates. And while we might think it was 94% 33 of 35 companies that grow slowly tend not to need common sense when intepreting it. Google will pay for stuff online, if you sort investors by benevolence you've also sorted them by the same thing—trying to make that their prices stabilize. Even Samuel Johnson said no man but a lot of companies used consulting to generate all the difference between surgeons and internists fleas: I should degenerate from words to their software that doesn't lose our data.

This essay was written before Firefox.

Predecessors like understanding seem to be so obsessed with being published. The idea is to start a startup. The other reason it's easy to write in a request.

For example, there is money.

In practice sufficiently expert doesn't require one to be about web-based applications greatly to be on the process of trying to focus on the spot, so they had to push founders to overhire is not Apple's products but their policies. The only launches I remember about the idea that was really only useful for one another, it may be some formal measure that you have to deliver these sentences as if having good intentions were enough to defend their interests in political and legal disputes. This is the same lesson, partly because it depends on them, but the returns come from going to work on a consumer price index created by bolting end to end a series. If that worked, any claim to the principles they discovered.

Patrick Pantel and Dekang Lin. What people usually mean when they say this is so plausible, the term whitelist instead of hiring them. But scholars seem to like to fight back themselves. Because it's better if everything just works.

But although for-profit prison companies and prison guard unions both spend a lot to learn to acknowledge as well use the wrong side of being watched in real time. Not startup ideas is to carry a beeper? He had equity.

If asked to choose between great people. 05 15, the more powerful, because outsourcing it will have to be the only cause of poverty. Startups that don't scale.

At the time I had no choice but to a partner from someone they respect. A knowledge of human anatomy. So, can I count you in a large number of restaurants that still requires jackets: The Civil Service Examinations of Imperial China, during the Ming Dynasty, when the company, and 20 in Paris.

This is one way to make a conscious effort. Incidentally, Google may appear to be redeveloped as a naturalist.

The expensive part of this talk, so buildings are traditionally seen as temporary; there is undeniably a grim satisfaction in hunting down certain sorts of bugs. You may be underestimating VCs.

Many people feel good. I've learned about VC inattentiveness. But he got killed in the case. See Greenspun's Tenth Rule.

Thanks to Sam Altman, Steve Melendez, Robert Morris, and Reid Hoffman for sparking my interest in this topic.

[amzbailey]

very important personal post (for Pride Month)

I’ve been working on this for several days and I think I’ve finally said enough about it, so let’s just get right into it!

In honor of pride month, and because this is my Tumblr and probably the one social media outlet that I feel is my personal safe space, I feel that now’s as good a time as any to officially put this out there.

I identify as bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. I won’t go as far as to say pansexual at this point (mostly because I haven’t really had a proper education on what the main differences are between the two terms, and the definition of bisexual really seems to cover all my bases). But over the past two years, I’ve become more comfortable with embracing my bisexuality as part of my personal identity.

Although this is the first time I’ve “come out” and said it in a not-so-private setting, I’ve been more open about it recently to close friends, and I even went as far as to briefly mention it to my mom. But there are a number of reasons why I’m not “out” to most people. The first and most obvious reason is that I think it might devastate my dad and upset other conservative/Christian family members and friends, and I really am not ready to deal with that type of reaction. However, the second and probably more paralyzing reason for not coming out publicly is my fear that this will be the response: “Wow Amy, that sounds like you’re just trying to include yourself in this ostracized group for no reason—obviously you’re not actually bi because you’ve never even been with a girl and wouldn’t know what it’s like. And even if you were, it wouldn’t matter because you’re married to a straight guy, so why even mention it?”. Which, to be honest, sounds about right in a number of ways. It doesn’t really make that much of a difference in my life because I am happily married to a man. In fact, it is also true that I’ve never dated or been in a relationship with a woman, so how the hell did I come to this conclusion, and why does it even matter?

Well, honestly, I’ve been aware of my attraction to both men and women since I was a young teenager. In fact, I know exactly who my first celebrity gay crush was—Hilary Duff. I would literally stare at her pictures in the liner notes from The Lizzie McGuire Movie album and Metamorphosis album for hours and didn’t know why. It was pretty damn gay, honestly.

However, in case you weren’t aware, I was raised in a very conservative Christian home in a deeply Protestant, traditional suburb community with mostly homophobic friends and family members. Anything I may have felt that would accurately be defined as “attraction” to girls was always reduced to something--anything--else. I just “really liked her as a person” or “envied her beauty”, or “admired her from afar”.

It wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 when my group of friends learned the hilarious no-homo term “hetero-man crush” from our favorite YouTube channel Barats and Bereta (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiXhQUym0fA in case you’re curious), and started “joking” about our own hetero-woman crushes (needless to say I had a lot on my list) that I really started to even consider the idea that I could possibly be attracted to women. Because there was no question that I was attracted to men. I don’t even know how many guys I had “dated” or had some time of romantic/physical relationship by the time I started dating Jackson (probably 9 or 10), but everyone who knew me at 16 knew that I really liked boys. Although, in retrospect, I’m not even sure that was it--I think I really just liked making out--but we’ll never know now, and there’s no real point in thinking about it.

Anyway, moving on...

In order to really convey how I came to this very personal conclusion about my sexuality despite my hetero-normative monogamy, I have to take you back a few years for a little more context… And maybe even dig into some other personal aspects of my life like my spirituality and religion! Whee!!

I think it’s important to briefly note that the first time in my life that I ever even interacted with a gay person was in middle school. I had dated this boy named Justin for a few months in 6th grade (we went to the Valentine’s Day dance together), then we broke up, then we got back together in 7th grade (maybe? honestly, I don’t remember), but eventually broke up for good. I do remember in 8th grade, after my parents had already pulled me out of public school to homeschool me (another story for another day), my friend Sarah told me that Justin was now gay. My initial reaction was complete devastation and outrage because the way Sarah had phrased it basically implied that dating me had been so terrible that Justin didn’t want to date girls anymore. I had “turned him gay”. Not only was this a blow to my already fragile middle school self-esteem (because in my naive 13-year-old mind, I must have been so manly looking and ugly that he lost all attraction to women altogether), but also in an equally naive and warped way, it was my chance to save someone’s soul, and it would be a sin for me not to do/say something. Again, please keep in mind that this was my first encounter with homosexuality, and my parents had always taught me in was a disgusting sin, so my response to this news was to send Justin an email (yes, this was pre-Myspace and even pre-Xanga days, my friends) telling him that I would be praying for him to repent and change his ways so he wouldn’t go to hell for being gay.

Yikes. Trust me, I shudder every time I tell this story because of its absurd cringe-worthiness. But it’s also kind of funny, especially considering who I am today and who my friends are. Even so, despite later attempts at communication with Justin many years later to apologize for my 13-year-old hysteria, we never spoke or saw each other again.

Anyway… I include that story to demonstrate just how extensive my ignorance was and how sheltered I had been. I didn’t even associate with or really know anyone who was knowingly gay until college. That’s how isolated I was from the LGBT+ community, and that’s why I never even considered the possibility that I could possibly not be straight. It just wasn’t a thing.

I was 16 years old when I met the man that I would marry. I was 17 years old when we started dating.

Jackson and I officially met in the summer of 2007 and started crushing pretty hard on each other. The first time we bonded was a church youth trip to Six Flags, where my “friends” at the time had essentially deserted me, so I made a rather brave move as an introvert to hang out with some new social group—three boys named David, Jackson, and Zach that I didn’t know very well—in hopes to flirt with at least one of them and maybe even get a boyfriend out of the deal. By the end of the day, somehow Jackson and I ended up riding rollercoasters alone, talking about nerdy-ass roleplay forums, video games, and cartoons. I thought he was adorable, charming and funny, and he thought “wow this hot girl thinks I’m funny”. I thought we were a perfect match, but unfortunately, it wasn’t 100% reciprocated because he was apparently interested in someone else. To this day we’re a little foggy on the time line, but he officially started dating someone else (Kim) a few days/weeks later, so when I found out, I begrudgingly backed off. We remained (awkward) friends throughout the summer, I dated a few guys throughout fall and winter, and almost a year later, we finally “became a couple” in May 2008.

From the moment we “made it official” via text, Jackson and I stayed together. We weren’t on and off, and we never took a break. We continued our relationship through the end of high school and through college. We went on vacations with each other’s families, we lived in the same dorm buildings for 2 years, and ultimately stayed together through it all. He proposed to me in December 2013 and we were married in November 2014. We are—quite miraculously—still together and still very happy.

I say “quite miraculously” because statistically and by all other odds, we shouldn’t still be together. For starters, we’re by definition “high school sweethearts”, which already is doomed by statistics. It’s very rare for couples to last through high school and college. But what’s even more astonishing is that our relationship was completely embedded and grounded in Christianity. We met at church. His parents were in my dad’s Sunday school class. Most of our “first dates” were at youth group functions and on church trips. On May 11, 2008, Jackson said he really wanted to be more than friends, but he was worried that it wasn’t God’s will, so we promised each other that we’d pray for God to reveal whether or not we should take the next step. And we both agreed 2 nights later that “well, He didn’t say no!” and therefore, it must have been God-approved!

Throughout high school and college, our faith held strong. We remained deeply involved in church. We attended and hosted Bible studies, we led small groups, we volunteered to teach high schoolers in our youth group and stayed with them for 4 years... We almost gave up everything in 2013 to start a church with our religious mentor at the time. Through it all, Jackson and I were united in our faith and religiosity. It was all we ever knew and all we ever wanted.

After we got married in 2014... Things started to shift. Almost the first thing to go was church. It wasn’t because of our marriage that we stopped attending church regularly—it was mainly because of our newfound freedom. We no longer had to go. Our small group kids had graduated. Our Sunday school class fell apart. Worship was dull and generic. The sermons were irrelevant and repetitive. Also, there was a lot of shit going down at our home church. Corruption. Hypocrisy. Church politics that were far beyond what we were accustomed to seeing. There were lots of reasons why we stopped going, but at the end of the day, it’s because we didn’t have to anymore, so we realized we no longer wanted to and simply chose to stop going. But that didn’t mean we weren’t still Christians. Church attendance does not equal faithfulness... right?

Simultaneously, there were a number of deeper things going on, both on the surface and beneath. During one of my last semesters in college (spring 2013), I took two classes that challenged my faith more than I ever could have imagined: Psychology and Religion, and Jesus In and Outside the Gospels. If I’m honest, those put the initial seeds of religious doubt in my mind long before we stopped going to church. These professors never went out of their way to give reasons for students to denounce their faiths... But the knowledge I gained and the data I was presented with definitely left their mark. Psychology and Religion focused on the psychological and emotional effects that religion has on individuals. Jesus In and Outside the Gospel introduced me to the confusing process of Christian canonization and the even more confounding non-canonical gospels and records of Jesus.

At the same time these major doubts were marinating in my mind (for example, “was my religious conversion nothing more than a result of the manipulated environment that pastors are specifically instructed to create in order to gain converts due to its psychological effectiveness?”), my best friend came out as gay. Now, I had already vocalized my criticism about the supposed Christian approach to homosexuality, and had personally concluded that Christians were absolutely wrong to condemn and exclude that entire community. However, having a gay best friend and dealing with that theological dilemma was a completely new area for me. I had a few gay friends and acquaintances at this point (for example, during my sophomore year of college, I decided that my pansexual roommate would be a perfect person to witness to and hopefully baptize one day!), but this was different. It struck far closer to home.

It was about this time that I made the decision to never again attend a church that preached that homosexuality was a sin—which basically said that I was done with church. It became a major riff between me and my family—a frequent topic of discussion and debate that still remains today. Despite how open-minded my mother has become in recent years, we just discussed the other day that she still believes that homosexuality at its core is a sin and should never be “celebrated”. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach, but… anyway, that’s a topic for another day.

It was around this time of confusion and questioning that Jackson and I moved an hour away from our hometown so he could be closer to his job. This physical distance now combined with the spiritual and emotional distance from our Christian upbringing really started to take its toll. My parents worried about my faith and constantly begged me to find a church to attend. But Jackson and I had no interest in going back for a number of reasons. For one thing, we both had full time jobs now and we cherished our weekends too much to sacrifice a chance to sleep in. But for the most part, I was finding more and more reasons to question Christianity as a whole, and I felt more and more distant from it. It’s important to note that while I was voicing my faith doubts, Jackson was beginning to do the same. He claims that if I hadn’t started questioning, he may not have either. The two of us slowly started letting go of our old Christian selves to take on new ideas and belief systems.

With this newfound open-endedness, I decided to start expanding my horizons. I not only opened my mind to the possibility that Christianity was not entirely true, but I also began to consider the authenticity of other “alternative” lifestyles—more specifically, LGBT+. I rekindled a friendship with a former acquaintance I met through Tumblr years before who now identified as transgender. I listened to her story and opened myself to her insight. Other friends of mine also came out as LGBT. I witnessed their struggles too, as many of them also grew up in similar communities where their new identities would most likely not be accepted. It was very challenging, but also… encouraging. It was helpful to know I wasn’t alone in questioning everything I had ever known, and it was amazing to see how they coped and dealt with it.

Even so, somewhere in the midst of all of this, I began having a major identity crisis, and I fell into a deep depression full of anxiety and fear. Up to this point, my entire life—my identity, my thoughts, my hopes and aspirations, my relationships, everything—was completely embedded and intertwined in my faith. Everything I did, I did as a result of or in some connection with my faith. Every friend I had, I believed that there was a divine reason for their presence in my life. Everything that happened to me was God-ordained, and while I did have some control over my future, it was ultimately a part of God’s plan, and I just needed to follow His Will for my life. Everything I did, I did it for God, or at least I tried to.

This way of life became very unclear and ambiguous, however, when I started questioning the authenticity of the Bible. This also became very difficult when my prayers were no longer being answered. Everything became complicated, and I started to fear and question everything.

I would love to expand on this part of my life (because I have SO MUCH TO SAY about Christianity as an institution and its brutal and toxic effects on my emotional and mental state), but that’s a story for another day. The main point for this story is that I was questioning and doubting literally every single aspect of my life with one major exception: Jackson. He was my rock. He was my life preserver in my ocean of terror, the only thing keeping me from drowning. Don’t misunderstand—my friends were a huge support and I don’t know where I would be now if they hadn’t been there as well. But Jackson was my constant, probably because he was always physically there as well as emotionally. We were miles away from home, miles away from our friends and our support system, but we had each other. He watched my world turn upside down and witnessed my sanity slip away. He stood by me through it all and helped me come out the other side. All the while, he was dealing with his own doubts and spiritual questioning, too. He couldn’t give me the answers I needed because he didn’t have them either. But he was there, and he loved me. Everything else was in shambles, but I knew where he stood, and I knew where I stood. I didn’t know if God loved me or if my parents loved me, but I knew Jackson did. I didn’t know if I loved God anymore, but I knew that I loved Jackson.

This went on for several months and I finally sought professional help from a counselor. It took some time, but after seeing her for a few weeks, I finally started letting go of some of the existential anxieties and accepted the fact that it was okay to not be a Christian anymore. It was okay to question things, it was okay to change my mind. It was okay to not know what I believed. It was okay to not be sure about anything. It was okay to be myself, no matter what. With this new sense of freedom, I really started to explore more about myself. And that’s finally when I allowed myself to bring my sexuality into question.

Again, I had always known I wasn’t completely straight. I had several crushes on many girls, celebrity and friend alike. But I kept coming back to the fact that I was in love with Jackson, wholeheartedly. Even if I was attracted to girls, it wouldn’t matter, right? I had never even had a romantic encounter with a woman, and I never would because I had no desire in leaving Jackson. So why even bother thinking about it?

Early in the process of questioning, I told Jackson that I might be bisexual, hoping that he wouldn’t react negatively. He wasn’t surprised at all and was actually incredibly supportive. “You’re still Amy and you’re still my wife—why would that change anything?” In fact, the only thing it changed was the frequency that we would point out cute girls to each other in public, or discuss the hotness of Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, or Anna Kendrick. In a strange way, you could almost say my “gayness” brought my husband and I even closer.

While that was overwhelmingly comforting, I still had a lot of anxiety about the validity of my bisexuality. If I claimed this new identity, would I have regrets? Could I live with the fact that I had never been with a woman? What if being with a woman was better? I would never know, but I would always wonder. What good could come from just wondering? What if I was overwhelmed by temptation? Would I leave Jackson? In retrospect, some of my anxiety was valid, but most of it was silly stuff that happens to everyone in long-term relationships. I could make the same arguments for other men, too. What if I was overwhelmed by temptation for another man and left Jackson? That wouldn’t be because of my “straightness”—it would be a very natural curiosity followed by a selfish action. So why would it be any different if it were a woman? If I truly loved Jackson and we both wanted to stay together, we just had to make the effort to overcome whatever came our way.

In late 2015/early 2016, right in the middle of my deep spiritual depression and sexual identity crisis, I was at Alex’s house with a handful of friends without Jackson (I think he was having a guy’s night with some of his friends). To help ease my anxiety and force myself to have a good time, I got super drunk really fast. I had already shared my half-revelation of my sexuality with this group of friends, and in a very uncharacteristically bold moment, I started making out with my friend Sara who also identified as bisexual. At the time, it was awesome and very hot! But the next morning and for days afterwards, guilt overwhelmed me. It’s important to note, though, that I didn’t feel guilty because I made out with a girl (because it felt surprisingly natural and normal), but because I, a married person, drunkenly kissed someone that was not my spouse. And I was afraid to tell Jackson, despite the fact that I had been very intoxicated at the time, and I knew he’d forgive me. Even if I hadn’t been drunk off my ass, I knew he would still love me for it, and yet the thought that he might leave terrified me.

When I eventually told him (probably 3 days later because I’m not good at keeping secrets from him), he was more upset that he wasn’t there with me than anything else. But he also admitted feeling jealous, just as he would if I had shared a kiss with a guy. We had always half-jokingly discussed before that we’d be down for a threesome with another girl, but honestly, I don’t think I could emotionally handle sharing Jackson with anyone. And, as we found out with the Sara incident, he’s not sure he could handle sharing me either.

Anyway... I kind of went off on a tangent there... I probably need to just wrap up, as this is getting waaaay too long.

To conclude this very disjointed, convoluted story… I’m bisexual. It may not matter to anyone else, and it may not change anything in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I am well aware that many in the LGBT+ community would be hesitant to include me because I’m monogamously with a man and therefore have never and will never experience the kind of discrimination and bigotry they deal with on a daily basis. And while that would be deeply upsetting to me (because my love for the LGBT+ community is deeply rooted in me, not just because I consider myself a part of it, but because so many people I love are LGBT and I will fight tooth and nail for every cause every time), I wouldn’t blame them. The last thing I want is an ostracized group who already struggles with being taken seriously to think of me as some straight interloper trying to claim gay identity like a white girl wearing a tear dress and claiming her 1/16 Cherokee blood as justification.

But it matters to me. My sexuality is a part of me and has always been a part of me. I understand myself better now by acknowledging and accepting my bisexuality. Even if I never had a chance to explore it and may never have an opportunity to experience what a sexual relationship with a woman would be, I’m still perfectly content because I already found my perfect partner and he makes me happy.

Growing up, I always clung to the idea of finding my “soulmate”. And while I’m not as sure now about whether a soulmate exists for every person, I know without a doubt that I found mine. As I said before, it’s pretty miraculous that Jackson and I are still together considering how drastically we’ve both changed since high school. When we started dating, I was a 17-year-old conservative, relatively homophobic Christian who never in a million years would consider herself non-heterosexual. When we started dating, Jackson was a 16-year-old libertarian/conservative Christian who was slightly less homophobic, but pretty sure he was pretty straight. We were kids who had been raised in an environment with a very narrow perspective of the world, but as we grew up together and experienced what the real world was like, we matured. We opened our minds, we challenged our beliefs, and we became adults. Together.

Through it all, despite all my spiritual doubts and questions, I do still believe one thing is still true: I do think God put us together. Whether he kept us together doesn’t really matter, because we kept us together. It hasn’t always been easy, but our bond has never faltered. In fact, I told him the other day that even if my upbringing had been different and I would have explored my sexuality at an earlier age, and even if I had dated girls and guys, I still very well could have ended up with him. We’ll never know of course, but Jackson, despite his ever-skeptical personality, said he agreed. He calls what we have a “cosmic bond” as opposed to being “soulmates”. I think I like that better, too.

Anyway.

So, Happy Pride to all my LGBT+ friends and family! I consider myself an “honorary” member, and it means more to me than you’ll ever know!