#Yeah I'm bummed to lose a few garments

[furnace-arden]

I've known fatphobia was a thing for a long time, obviously, but I've been thin to super skinny my whole life. Holy cow, the way some things sink in from theoretical to practical

For the last decade, I've been super skinny. Like, doctors telling me to order milkshakes when I eat out levels of skinny. I could see my hip bones, my rib bones and my spine. It was not "good skinny" by any means. A lot of this was a wicked depression/ eating disorder combo. I didn't want to eat and when I did, everything made me gag. It was awful.

Recently, I've finally healed enough to put on weight. I've reached a healthy weight for the first time in my adult life. I've outgrown my high school clothes now, a month before my 31st birthday. I don't fit in a size 0 anymore and occasionally need medium shirts.

I knew I'd have to tell people weight gain was good and that needing new clothes was good. (I'm bummed about new clothes occasionally because I really liked those yellow pants, but I can buy new yellow pants). We're conditioned to think it's bad and if I wanted the right reaction, I'd have to prime for it.

But I didn't expect some of the other stuff. For the first time in my life, I have a little tummy. It's more of that "stubborn belly fat" diet mags are always trying to get rid of, than a proper tummy, but the fact that it only showed up when I reached a healthy weight is stunning. For the first time since I was 19, I can't see my ribs and now I'm supposed to work to get rid of this stomach pooch?

I love having my tummy now. I love not seeing my ribs and I also love being able to lay on my stomach and have my hip bones be cushioned enough that it doesn't hurt.

I'm still thin. I'm 120 lbs and 5'4". And what's absolutely buckwild to me is that I know there's a group out there who would look at this achievement--having even the slightest amount of extra body fat--and cringe. This is the lowest weight I can be without my body shutting down. I have better circulation, more energy, better all sorts of things.

And the fact that I have to say "I gained 4" around my waist TELL ME HOW GOOD I DID" is bonkers. This 4" is an achievement.

I'm not really sure what the point of writing this is, but I only have, like, 2 followers on this blog so it seemed safe enough to purge the thoughts here.