#Y'all I've learned how glams work.

[lal-ffxiv]

Disciple of War: Warrior

Alternate Set

[hwanchaesong]

━⁠☞🍽️First Course: It's always this, it's always that. The never ending demands you have failed to meet. How much more can you take of this bitter situation? 🥢

🎧: Olivia Rodrigo - Enough For You

wc: 1.4k

genre & warnings: angst angst angst (no happy ending here with hj), reader learns how love must work in a relationship, lovers to exes, marriage, other idols appearance, cursing, insecurity, just pure angst :D

a/n: this is a part of The Sour Restaurant series. if y'all want, you can read the other album inspired fics of other groups here.

You watch Seonghwa and Mina sway to the romantic music for their first dance as a newly wed couple, and your heart flutters with joy seeing them so happy.

No, jealousy was never an option for this one because you've seen their journey together. How their relationship blossomed and now, they are entering a new phase of their lives together. It was truly magnificent.

"Hey. Mind if I join you?" a voice brought you out of your reminiscing, turning your head to look at the source and you were dumbfounded to the core.

The man that you have been avoiding for the rest of the day is standing in front of you in his full glory, an awkward yet hopeful smile on his face as he awaits your answer.

"Yeah, Hongjoong. Go Ahead." you replied, returning the smile before sipping the now warm champagne in the goblet that you have been ignoring for the past few minutes in lieu of admiring the pair in the middle of the reception area.

A moment of silence, and he dared to break it.

"It's been a while since I last saw you. How's life?" he inquired, making small talk and you fight off the urge to leave him there alone, but no can do, you're not gonna be childish in the presence of your ex-boyfriend.

"It was good," then you paused, blinking and correcting yourself, "no actually, I have been living the best life."

He was taken aback at your slightly ironic tone, not used to the way you're speaking, like you're a completely different person after your separation, and only a month has passed since.

"Well, as for me.."

He trails and you roll your eyes, you did not ask how he's doing and certainly not interested. But you maintain your poise, not wanting him to see that he's having a negative effect on you.

"I've been miserable... without you, at least."

You whipped your head to look at him incredulously, an aghast scoff coming out of you unconsciously at his audacity to tell you that.

Wasn't he the one who decided to end your relationship? He was the one who destroyed a 5-year long bond, so what the fuck is he on about?

"Are you serious?" he looked offended when you asked him that, like he was pulling a stunt or something but who could blame you?

"Why would I even joke about that?" he mutters back, frowning when your confused expression turns into an appalled one.

He really isn't serious, right?

After all the shit that you have to go through because he's always wanting, needing, and looking for more in you.

You've never really seen the importance of going outside all glammed up, your friends and family have always complimented your bare face. A natural beauty, as they liked to call you. Then you saw the girls that he dated back when he was younger, and it made you insecure.

So you learned how to do hair and make-up. Buying expensive ass hair curlers, eyeshadows, foundations, lipstick, brushes and all that shit just for him to say to not notice what you have been doing.

You observed him to no end, taking notes of his likes and dislikes. His favorite dishes and drinks, colors and style of clothing, heck, you even memorized the song that he's been humming to for days.

The books beside his bed and on his shelves weren't left untouched by you. Every page was read dutifully so you could relate to him whenever he tells you a story about a recent book that he had bought.

But it seems that your efforts were all in vain, as there is always something that is lacking in you.

"The colors of your outfit are not matching."

"Oh, I'm actually trying a new kind of coffee today."

"No, wrong author, I can't believe you'll make a mistake about this."

It may be the emotional attachment or the undying commitment that you hold dear for him are the reasons why you continued to change yourself for him. In your eyes, he is absolutely perfect, and you're determined to fit in his aesthetic.

You were determined to make him accept you.

But as they all say, the more you burn, the more you turn yourself into ashes that will inevitably crumble.

And the snapping point was nigh when you're tired and he couldn't even bat an eye on your well-being.

"Is that what you're wearing tonight?" Hongjoong eyes your appearance, black dress and clean hair and make-up, and if you ask anyone, they'll say that it's simple yet elegant.

Truth to be told, you don't have the energy to go all out for the event that you're attending. Still, you did your best to look presentable, and you did a great job, you think.

It was a hellish week for you. Finals are coming up and you're dying from all the studying, you're also struggling in your part-time job because of the lack of sleep. The worst one was the nagging of your parents, constantly asking you about your plans for the future.

Everything was taking a toll on you and the last thing that you wanna hear came from the very same person that should have been a source of comfort.

Hongjoong sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Just.. stay put in one place. I can't have you embarrassing me further than this."

There you go, you lost it.

"Embarrass you?" a deriding tone rode along with your words, "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Y/N, do you see yourself? I told you to do your best, and this isn't what I envisioned." he mumbles, expression souring when you exuded such an attitude in his words.

"Ah." it was flat, the way you said it, as you were suddenly hit with the realization that even when you restart and destroy yourself, it will never be fucking enough for him.

Gosh, he could've at least acted better. Feigned care and faked affection, but he can't even give you that.

And you're so fucking done with his bullshit.

"I will not come with you anymore. Go alone." you muttered, turning in your heels and heading to the bedroom.

"What? Y/N, stop being a child."

"No, Hongjoong. I need you to stop being a know-it-all, go fuck yourself."

That was the first time you stood up for yourself, and damn did it feel good. Like you're finally free from his restraints, and it's addicting.

He rolls his eyes at you, muttering a 'Suit yourself.' and exiting the house, not even an ounce of concern at your sudden outburst, and that was all you needed to make a cathartic decision.

That was the day you left without a trace, and you can finally breathe without him cursing you into the darkness of being inadequate.

He blew your phone up, messaging and calling you, and you were disappointed when it ceased just after a day. It says a lot about him though, on how much of an asshole he is.

Especially after a mere three days and he's already posting a new bimbo in his social media accounts.

At the present time, you're tempted to spill the alcohol in his face and probably ruin his expensive suit.

How could you even believe him that he's serious, that he's not kidding when he made you feel like a clown.

You chuckle, staring straight ahead, "Did your new girl dump you or something?"

"No. I just realized that it's different, you know? If it's not with you then it doesn't feel right." he admits, looking down at his shoes because frankly, he is ashamed of gazing into your eyes.

You couldn't help but ridicule him, standing up from your seat and straightening your dress, shooting him a dangerous glare, "I told you this before, and I'd repeat it a thousand times."

You smile wickedly, flipping him off, "Go fuck yourself."

You walk away, not paying attention to his desperate calls, the polite facade is gone in the wind and the only thing that you could think of is that you're not gonna allow him to break your heart and soul anymore.

You have only started to regain your true self, not the image that he wanted you to have, and you'll be damned if you'll let him get inside your head again.

Kim Hongjoong was a lesson, one that you'll never forget and never forgive. Maybe you loved him too much, but at least you now know that if someone truly loves you, that person will accept you for who and what you are.

taglist:

@acciocriativity @iarayara @stolasisyourparent @shakalakaboomboo @xdannix @nsixns

[mejomonster]

just a rant about gender and dysphoria and happiness and frustrations i guess?

im gonna go on a few more tangents fuck it ToT so for one: while i love that binders exist (truly they're amazing), i personally hate wearing them because for me they feel just like a bra, and a bra makes me feel Not-Great, and i'd much rather wear layers and bigger clothes to hide my chest (while being pissed all genders cannot simply wear no shirt and no Nothing and be treated the same), because the simple thing of Some Constricting Thing on My Chest makes me feel more dysphoric ddkdkd

and then second: so when i was lets say a teenager to in college, i did a lot of varying with my self expression. high school saw me volley from very butch to lazy femme looking frequently. i chopped all my hair off, then got wigs so i could still do those high glam looks when i wanted. in college i tried out long bleached hair deep side part with undercut and cut off sleeve t-shirts (think Pat in Bad Buddy if he was a punk lesbian) and then 1 inch hair when i got fucking sick of long hair like i always do (and many a dad sweater). i got a tiny waist and big fucking hips. big shoulders. so im an hourglass i guess, when i wear anything that fits me. its pretty easy to read 'feminine' to a stranger, when all u gotta do is put on clothes that fit, 1 line of eyeliner, and there u go (and i'd learn later w a face like mine there was no need for the eyeliner... or the rest).

but for a while i just did not Want to Ever read feminine, unless i was on a date with a cute girl, so at work nonstop i wore loose pants to hide my waist size, baggy sweaters, binder, my hair was cut off, no makeup, my usual glasses. on paper i shoulda looked like a hipster guy i guess. in reality every fucking day some customer would say 'ma'am, miss, young lady' to get my attention. and lo and behold i find out i just wont really ever read as butch to a stranger. not with my face -3-)/ i mean yeah. maybe if i took testosterone, if it changes the shape of my face enough. i already have a mustache. i've grown it out, and bleached it, and shaved it, and even at it's longest strangers were like 'hi miss could u help me'. and that was i dunno. an interesting thing for me to realize. to realize that for every stranger i meet, generally, they're going to look at me and think 'marilyn monroe' no matter how i decide to present visually.

and well. i DO like some feminine presenting appearance things. i like lolita dresses, i like dying my hair every color i can get a hold of, i love eyeliner because that part of the teen emo phase never left me. i like bright colored eyeshadows, and drawing fun things with my eyeliner. i like dressing up as high femme as i can if i'm going on a date with a femme, because it's fun to dress up with someone else going to the nines. i like my waist, it's like Link! and Raiden! and Axel! And if they are guys, i can be a guy too (and honestly this is to all guys - you a guy? then you ARE a guy. you don't have to prove that to anyone, or meet some arbitrary standards, there's a wonderful rant Enterprise Incidents Podcast did about 'what is a man? a woman? anything they want' because humans come in infinite diversity and what is a man to one man is not the same as another, its just who that guy themselves IS.)

and well. i decided - if strangers are gonna misgender me no matter what, i might as well stop trying to change my looks to what 'strangers' might prefer from me, and instead just look the way i want to anyway. and of course, college was a good time in some ways. i found tumblr, i found other bisexual people and felt a hell of a lot less alone, i found trans people sharing their experiences, and realize Ayyyyy Dysphoria is what i felt all through high school now it all makes sense why i kept praying for god to turn me into a dude! I already AM a dude! feeling SO much like u are one... u probably ARE already one.

(y'all have no idea how uninformed my knowledge was of trans people in high school was... my school had zero out kids, most kids as naive and uninformed as me - some who would later realize they were trans like me, and the only info i had on trans people was the movie Boys Don't Cry which... that movie's got a host of issues. But what teen mejo took from it was: no one in the world would acknowledge me as a man unless i got surgery. And since i never heard of transgender before, i assumed that meant 'ur gender has to match ur body' hence the praying for years to just wake up a guy. jokes on me! i was already! wishes do come true dkdkdkd. Anyway. It wasn't until getting to college, finding educational resources online, and finding community on tumblr, that i realized Simply Already Feeling I Was a Guy internally... made me one.

And also the much broader, more healing realization for many people including cisgender people: YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, whatever makes you HAPPY, you are the gender you feel you are and that's literally all it requires. You already ARE whatever you are, and your heart knows. Or your heart doesn't, and you explore. But my point is: cisgender men can wear makeup and love it and still be men. Cisgender women can shave their heads and grow lots of body hair and be 6 feet tall and love fishing. Your gender doesn't mean you can't like something or can't do something or can't be something, you can like/do/be WHATEVER YOU WANT. No matter who you are.

And being trans doesn't change that. Yes, there's additional factors: a trans woman who doesn't want big boobs and loves short hair is at risk of being misgendered by strangers more... but so are cis women. So are all women. That doesn't mean masculine hobbies or looks or likes makes you a man, it's just whatever. Strangers making judgements happens for so much bullshit, it doesn't mean they get to define you, strangers opinions do not Decide what you are. Only you do. Cis men and trans men can love makeup, can love baking, whatever the fuck! What makes you a man? Feeling you are a man. What makes you a woman (or anyone)? Feeling she is. Simple as that. What can you do/be/look like in this world? WHATEVER the fuck you WANT.

So yeah. I go through all those realizations in college. (and to get down in the weeds, I probably related to bigender the most as in line with my feelings, which i just label as nonbinary for strangers because... to be honest the number of people who even knew what Nonbinary was when i realized i felt nonbinary was miniscule, even less then the ppl who knew what bisexuality was. i mostly feel like a dude. i still connect with being a woman. maybe its because im nonbinary, but i feel like gender is so dumb in some ways. i'm so happy for y'all who feel gender euphoria, and i recognize a huge portion of people find solace and comfort in strongly feeling like their gender. but at the same time i feel like straight ppl could figure out how to only be attracted to the ppl they like now, even if gender didn't exist. knowing humans, we'd make up a new system to divide humans into classifications like a gender-equivalent construct based on nose shape or eyebrows idk. so its not like humans are about to stop caring about gender, and there'd still be some made up human way of splitting people apart they'd probably use to build inequality idk. humans already do that with a lot of other concepts they made up besides gender.)

the point i'm circling back to is: gender is great for many a person, and the only important thing to really remember is you can be whatever you want in this world, you're allowed. if you're a boy, if you're a girl, if you're nonbinary, if you're agender, whatever body you have, whatever hobbies or likes or talents or whatever. you do not have to be trapped in a box, you're allowed to be Fully You. Whoever that is. You're allowed to conform to expectations of A or B or whatever, you're allowed to do your own thing, you're a human being and whoever you are - is you. You are not broken just because YOU are a bit different than someone else.

and then a third tangent: i hope for cis people to internalize that fucking realization too. I dunno if it's people older than me, or younger, or in the same boat, but sometimes i am just hit Hard by the terror i'll be hearing cis people distraught about. i'll hear how horrified they, a cis woman, are to be 'masculine' or simply to be 'not interpreted by strangers as feminine Enough' (whatever the fuck the Enough Impossible-Standard is that society perpetuates to them - usually a white classist patriarchal conservative ideal, where an ideal woman is 1. white. 2. long haired. 3. wears full makeup. 4. is very skinny 5. is upper class and wears expensive things 6. has no body hair 7. is 'demure' and submissive and caretaking and sweet and innocent OR sexy and appealing to others etc).

So many cis women I see crying, full on horrified, because they're overweight. Dieting to dangerous degrees, because they're overweight (like most of the population in my country, their weight is perfectly average it's not like most other ppl aren't just like them), and overweight = ugly = poor = black = masculine = man in the fucked up mainstream ideals of beauty and white womanhood. So many cis women freaking out they have boxy bodies instead of curves, have hair on their face (newsflash all humans have at least this thin peach fuzz on their face - if you are not white and blonde then Yes, Sometimes that peach fuzz is darker colored or you get a mustache like me) and just shaving it isn't enough - they still feel they aren't inherently allowed to be a 'woman' because of it. SOOOOOOO many of these cis women would benefit greatly from the recognition of a woman as 'anything.' A woman IS anything. Any appearance, any hobbies, any likes.

So many cis men horrified they don't live up to a strict fucked up box of an ideal as well - terrified they don't make enough money to be a 'real' man. Terrified they aren't skinny enough, or aren't muscular enough, or aren't assertive enough, or can't provide Enough to others, or show Too Much emotion. (A lot of these limiting gender ideals coming from the same white patriarchal upper class ideal, so by design MOST men will probably never manage to reach such ideals - the ideals causing them to fight each other, to prove who's 'most alpha', the ideals causing them to abandon themselves - because to be a 'real man' is to not cry or show weakness or admit to struggling to live up to the ideal, the ideals causing them to lash out at others - and rewarding them for it, because if they harm others then they'll help perpetuate this fucked up system by hurting more people and putting the pressure on more people To Strive to Live Up to The Ideal in the hopes of finally gaining enough acceptance to avoid further attacks). Every incel in some degree is so internally distraught trying to live up to the Ideal Real Man, who 'gets bitches' and feels they'll never really be a 'real man' until they can too. Every dude sucked into the manosphere has heard so much awful stuff about what a man has to do in order to 'prove he's a man and Deserve to be treated as a man' that they've taken to heart. And now they're perpetuating that harm, hurting MORE guys and insisting even more other guys aren't REAL unless they conform as well (and hell - probably still don't deserve to be respected as Real Men unless they also get rich and successful).

How many of these cisgender people would be so much fucking happier, and hurt significantly less people (and stop hurting themselves) if they just realized, really fucking took to heart, that a person is their gender JUST BECAUSE they feel they are. My guy, do you think you're a guy? CONGRATS you're a real man and whatever kind of guy you are IS a real guy. Miss over there, you are desperate to prove you're a woman? You ALREADY are. You do not need to diet more to prove that, or change your hobbies or quit your fucking job.

It's frustrating to see that giant system hurting people on so many levels. Just everywhere.