#What I /didn't/ learn until this morning is that my great aunt is in hospital dying rn

[helreginn]

[deanoheartspie]

Sunshine 3

Pairing: Cowboy Sheriff Dean x City Gal Reader

Summary: After your family cut you off, your great-aunt Laura invited you over to her ranch you often visited when you were just a child... You drive through the beautiful town until you accidentally graze a horse that just so happens to be the sheriffs...

Warnings: None

A/N: Let me know what you think and what your theories are!

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Y/N'S POV

Who is this Lisa and who the heck are Ben and Aurora? It wasn't my business so I slowly backed up leaving the green eyed-man with the darker hair woman. After a few minutes she saw them bicker, well it was more of the woman than Dean he kinda just stood there and took it. As if he was used to it.

And let me tell you... He didn't look to happy when he came back over.

“Dean, what happened?” you ask as he drags you off to the diner, the moment we stepped in fresh common rolls filled your nose and you nearly died and went to heaven.

The man ignored your question while he sat on the other side of the booth, waiting for me to decide on what to get.

“Good morning Sheriff, same as usual?” The chirpy young woman asks with a smirk, He nods and as the woman is about to walk away he clears his throat. “You didn't ask her what she wanted.”

The woman looked me up and down as she rolled her eyes, “What do you want?” she asked not caring for an answer. I guess no Southern hospitality.

Did you say or do something wrong?

You had always hated attitude when it was directed at you, it made you feel small and weak. At this point, you knew how to put on your best face.

weakly smiled trying to make your smile reach your eyes, maybe the girl was just having a bad day? You never know. “I'll get eggs and bacon please” keeping your voice steady and quiet, The waitress simply walks off and into the back of the diner.

First Dean with the grumpy look on his face after seeing the 'Lisa' woman and now the waitress who seemed to already hate her. Maybe marriage would've been the best choice... What if your mom and dad were right? You couldn't live on my own.

“Sorry Darlin' I don't know what crawled up her ass today.” Dean apologizes while flipping through the newspaper. A fresh pot of hot coffee was set on the end of the table, so you poured us both a cup and took a nice sip.

Soon enough, the hot food was placed on the table and Dean had quite a lot of food. Three burritos and an extra side of potatoes.

“How the hell are you able to eat all of that?” you asked shocked as he stuffed his mouth with the food, eating like he hadn't eaten for days.

His bright green eyes, flick over to you as he innocently shrugs before grinning, “Well when you work two jobs you're dammed to burn off calories”

The rest of breakfast was quiet, you take out my wallet paying which you learned very quickly that Dean didn't like that not one bit.

“My momma is gonna whoop my ass, if she finds out I let a girl pay on the first date.”

You raise a brow leaning your chin in the palm of your hand, “First date huh” you teased with a shit-eating grin.

“Y'know what I mean” he rolled his eyes a soft smile on his face but he was quick to hide it by picking up the newspaper to hide his face.

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Around 1:25 we arrived back at the ranch, Dean helped me carry my shopping bags upstairs, in all honesty, you expected some complaints but nope he was quiet as a mouse before disappearing off.

You organized all my new clothes into the drawers, putting all your old clothing into bags to donate. You didn't know how long you planning on staying here for, maybe until you got back on your feet and saved up enough money to leave. After all, you weren't made to take care of a ranch.

A few hours later, the sun had started to go down and You hadn't seen anyone since you got home. You walked downstairs seeing the little kitchen light on, your aunt Laura sitting there with a tea and book in hand. “Your here? I thought you'd be at the bar like everyone else?”

The bar?

You shake your head taking next to her, she offers you a book and you nod. We both quietly read for a few, until she decides to call it a night leaving you alone in the kitchen.

*Boom*

Heavy feet walk across the floor as a laugh escapes the Green-eyed man's mouth. He's drunk when he makes his way towards you. “Yo- you look good in the boots” Dean muttered with a grin, wrapping his arms around you tight.

Drunk Dean is apparently very touchy but not in an inappropriate way.

“Thank you?” you laugh as you walk over to the counters, he was dragging himself every time you moved. Filling the glass with water you hand it to the drunken man. “Drink.” He whines burying his head into your shoulder.

“Fine” He pouts as he downs the water before stuffing his face with some oreos. “Carry me?” you snort and start to laugh. “I can't carry you Deano”

It was different from seeing the usual gruff man be all sweet and clingy. In all honesty it was kinda cute.

The man gasps and places a hand on his chest, staring at you like you had said the most offensive thing ever. “Are you... Are you calling me fat!” he squints his eyes at you slapping his hand away after you attempt to help him up. “Get those filthy hands away” he stands up putting his hand on the wall helping him balance, groaning as he trips over the loud creaky stairs.

“Let me help.” you sigh and help him up as he smiles, finally guiding him into his room. Helping him take off his boots tossing them to the siand de, getting him tucked in. “Goodnight Dean”

“Goodnight sunshine”

Chapter 4

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----Tag list----

@deans-spinster-witch @leigh70 @mrsjenniferwinchester @ladysparkles78 @hobby27 @khaleesihavilliard @foxyjwls007 @lucidlivi @jc-winchester @globetrotter28 @beskarfilms @the141bandicoot @alysinwonderland-at-tea @randomgurl2326 @ambergoddess444 @westernwinchesters @lemmons1998 @julie040904 @nic-kolas @raisinggray @alternativeprincess

[kokoro-no-kintsugi]

Session II

CW/TW: mentions/allusions to ab-se, r-pe, s-bst-nce use, s-lf h-rm, s--cide attempts..a lot. Proceed with caution.

"I think it's time to get into the thick of it. Can you tell me what makes you hate yourself so much?"

Sure, I guess. I'll give you the long version.

It started when I was very young. It started with angry words from shouting voices that belonged to the people meant to love me and keep me safe. It started with abuse from otherwise trusted babysitters. It started with me being wrong for protecting myself, with me being too much, with me not knowing any better when I was barely conscious as a person yet.

Nobody remembers the bad things except for me. I guess it's easy when that's just a weekday afternoon for them, but I unfortunately took it as trauma in my formative years.

I'd like to say it got better. Sadly, no, as I aged into school years, I found out that you cannot beat perfection into a kid, but you can beat them into being a perfectionist for the rest of their lives, apparently. You can make them terrified of being themselves if "themselves" were seen as a child with "behavioral problems". You can make them overly analytical and second-third-fifth guess themselves because mistakes are not tolerable.

That's when the family deaths started. A man I was not blood related to that had treated me like his own grandchild since the day I was born, and one of the scarce amount of family I did not feel the pressure to put on a perfect kid act for, and arguably my favorite adult in my life back then..I'd watched him lose toes, his foot, and eventually his leg up to the thigh, along with his kidney function. But no one expected when he went under for surgery the last time that it would indeed be the last time. I balled my little eyes out for him. When he passed, he also took any relationship I thought I had with my grandmother with him. As I know now, good riddance. As I knew then, though, why didn't she want to spend time with me anymore? What did I do wrong? I learned many years later, she wished that my father--and by proxy, myself--didn't exist at all.

Then it was a distant great uncle, whom I'd only ever known as a funny family nickname until I saw his obituary. Another adult I'd loved to spend time with, although it was rare due to the distance. He taught me about his garden, how he'd save table scraps from his and his wife, a sweet Asian woman he'd brought home with him after a war, and turn them into compost. Turned out that soy milk and tofu were pretty good when he'd let me try them. His funeral was tough, being tired from the night before...

The night before, turns out I was just small enough to be slid through my aunt's kitchen window. My uncle, who had a penchant for alcohol, had fell asleep (so we thought) on the couch in the back room, leaving my aunt effectively locked out of her house. We couldn't have that, my dad and I, so we helped her get back inside so she could work on cooking food for the next day (we tended to eat a lot after funerals, perhaps that explains why my depression/grief always has such an appetite). Our aunt, however, was unable to meet us for my great uncle's wake. Fresh from the memorial service, a phone call struck us all like lightning; we were meeting her at a larger hospital in the city we'd traveled to for the funeral. My uncle, sadly, had not been sleeping when we'd broken my aunt back into her home the night before. My aunt discovered the next morning when he'd still not moved from the couch that he was unresponsive and that something was very, very wrong. That something being a brain aneurysm. He'd been airlifted from our small town to the hospital we'd be headed to shortly. I sobbed into my slightly older cousin's shoulder and her into mine; it's not exactly a picnic as a kid to walk out of a funeral basically into the next one in progress.

I'd never felt such a level of grief in my life until then, yet I remember my older family harshly quieting us down instead of giving us any sort of consoling. I, at some point, had taken this as emotions are meant to be quiet, bottled up, and dealt with alone. Terrible lessons for a child, I know, but I guess they didn't.

Somewhere in there, I went from being an only child to being an involuntary third parent to three siblings, who went from being difficult because they were infants to being difficult because of their own mental dissonances. As I like to put it up, we're all very different shades of fucked up.

Then, I was a teenager. A 14 year old with a quiet rebellious streak and a fondness for an older boy. An older boy that had his own problems and abuse he faced at home. An older boy who needed a pretty punching bag. It was mostly emotional abuse, destruction of any self worth I'd tried to make for myself, sexual abuse..though, I'd gotten pushed around and mistreated physically from time to time as well.

I got taught how to shut up about my feelings a lot more efficiently. Also, as a testament to the impressionability of a young teen, I learned a new method for dealing with pent-up pain, hurt, and growing self-loathing from a television show. I put a knife to my skin for the first of what would be many, many more times. I lined my arms with neatly spaced cuts, feeling some sort of relief when they welled with droplets of blood.

Sandwiched in the middle of said mistreatment, I met arguably the worst person I ever could have--the only good to have come from meeting him is that it lead to my current life. Just freshly over the line for statutory status in my state, and desperate for a love that didn't hurt, I happily threw myself at him. He seemed to give a damn about the scars on my wrists and my wellbeing in a way that no one else had been in my life so far. I sure as hell didn't give two shits that he was 5 years my elder, I mean, I was already with an older (17 to my 15) boy right? What's the difference? I spent a weekend with him behind my parents backs, and in the process learned that women could in fact be on the receiving end of sexual favors (I'll let you figure out why I didn't know until then).

The next weekend, I tried to spend with him too. I felt loved and happy for once, and I felt like a junkie looking for my next high as I hoped to spend more time with him. My father, though, being off that weekend, was meticulous in trying to keep up with his eldest daughter in the way that he always was until I moved out on my own. I was caught in my lie, and when what happened beforehand came out, my parents were angry in a way I'd never seen before. Having to tearfully explain it all over to a police officer, being forced apart from someone I cared about until I was at least 18, and being threatened with a military/corrective academy/group home when I did try to contact him one more time... I'd never felt more hated as a person than I did then.

Until my freshman year was over, I spent my time at school in constant tears and watching the great grades I'd once had slide quickly into the garbage. I knew what was ahead of me that summer anyway; any contact I could've had with the outside world was to be cut off, and I'd be stuck in a house with siblings I couldn't help but resent at the time and parents I was convinced didn't even want me as a kid anymore.

I think I made it nearly to July before I tried to ride the sewer slide into what I hoped would be a forgiving afterlife. I still remember the feeling of the overdose rather vividly. I grabbed a bottle of pills of mine that weren't being used and wouldn't be missed--I swallowed what was in the bottle. I hadn't researched this in any way of course, so it most likely wasn't a deadly dosage. But the feeling of losing feeling in my legs sure felt like my soul was being lifted from this heavy waste of a body, so I pulled myself onto my bed and fell into a silent darkness.

From my best guess, I woke up a day later. My absence hadn't been noted, and I felt an extra curse on my being that I was still alive. Why did I continue to survive in a world I wanted no part in? (I guess so I could get to where I am now..)

Sophomore year came finally to save me from my crippling loneliness. I slowly fell back in to some sort of normalcy, and took on a new personality in the form of ROTC. The rigid structure rekindled my need to excel, and I eventually leaned so far into it that, in the moments that my older boyfriend from prior didn't manage to dash it, I reclaimed some sort of power for myself. I made friends, I worked hard, I cut my hair short and leaned into the person I wanted to be.

Which was easier before the sexual assault. An older cadet had taken note of me, and decided to prey upon my naivety in the form of a late evening outing to a private pool. Why not? I trusted my fellow cadets well enough. In the swimming we'd done before the sun fell down, I found myself constantly fending off advances. I tried very hard to convince him I wasn't interested. So, he finally said he'd take me home. Crisis averted, or so I'd hoped. Wrong.

I had no idea what road we were on, out in the countryside in the dark now. I had no idea why he'd pulled over and parked until he was on top of me. I begged him to stop. I just wanted to go home. He'd forced himself inside and if I hadn't thrown him off by making up a pretend phone call with my "worried mother", I don't want to think about how much farther it would've gone. When I finally stumbled through the front door in the pitch dark, that same "mother" half-asleep on the couch, asked if I'd had fun. I'm sure I mumbled something to get away to my room and fell asleep in tears.

I wish I could say I had some time that summer to process what happened to me, or even talk to somebody about it. Of course though, I didn't. Story of my life so far (ha ha, I'm funny).

July the 4th. One of the last days I would spend with my first boyfriend. We were part of a bigger group of friends hanging out in a friend of a friend's pool, and I thought we were having fun. I guess, though, my playfulness had come off as aggravating, and I was swiftly punished in a way that I still can't quite shake to this day. He shoved my head under the water, and as my playful squirming quickly devolved into panicked struggling, I felt myself honest to god drowning under the arms of a boy that I had spent the last two years loving and serving as an unofficial girlfriend. Before I could feel my mind slide completely from the lack of air, I aimed my teeth at his chest and bit him with everything I had in that moment. Finally, I was let go, and as I broke the surface, I could barely take in any air for the coughing up of water.

A couple of friends tried to tell him he'd done something fucked up just then, but he shrugged it off. The day ended with his apology of "if I'd meant to drown you, I would've fucking done it." One friend in particular had stayed in my aide, and I tried to take solace in it.

Too bad that it had to be another boy with nothing good on his mind. That also couldn't take no for an answer. Imagine white knighting a girl from an abusive boy just to drag her out to your remote, empty house with no cell signal and turn 10 "no"s into a "whatever, get it over with". I'm glad he found somebody else to date when junior year started, because the last thing I needed to do was be romanced by another creep.

Except, to no one's surprise at this point, I was. Just not the same guy from above. It wasn't an uncomfortable relationship at first, we'd struck up a quick friendship in ROTC, and I quickly became his long distance now-exgirlfriend's public enemy number one. She brought out the worst in me, causing my mountain of insecurities and once targetless rage to culminate in a hateful campaign against her. I did things I wasn't and still am not proud of doing, but it was nothing particularly harmful or illegal...just made me look like (and feel like) a nutjob. I guess I wasn't too happy about having someone I barely knew of threaten my wellbeing however she could.

Right, this is supposed to be about the newest installment to my dating history at the time, not her. Our relationship wasn't particularly notable in the beginning, I think the only change was that I actually started liking sex instead of it feeling like a chore. Life came and went around us.

I started experimenting with otc pills not long afterward, remembering the pleasant feeling of floating off when I'd attempted over my freshman summer. I'd also sporadically add in a prescription pain killer my mom had stashed in the same cabinet; at my worst, I'd mixed it with sleeping meds as well as a migraine medicine with caffeine, downing the lot of them with a cup of coffee. This is the first time in my life I'd ever known what "high" felt like. It'd been a short lived experimentation, though, perhaps a month at most.

It had luckily (if you could call it that) coincided with my grandmother raiding the medicine and liquor cabinets in the midst of a mental breakdown, so I'd gotten away with it in the end. Not so lucky, though, I'd been the first to find her covered in bloody scars. I remember her apologizing, trying to explain what had happened, and though I'm sure she doesn't remember, I'd simply responded that I understood with a vague motion at my own scars.

Eventually, things sorted themselves out, at least a bit. I went to my boyfriend's senior prom, watched him graduate, we went on a vacation to the beach with his family, blah blah. If we weren't constantly on the edge of an argument, I might've said I was happy.

My senior year came. I dropped ROTC as I'd been passed over for a position I'd fought tooth and nail for, and the anger burned too much for me to simply gloss over. I did continue in the extra curricular parts of it, but the resentment never really died. I also found out my boyfriend was in fact another of the "10 no's and a whatever means yes" types. The year was mostly unremarkable otherwise; I was refused when I begged my boyfriend to take me to my senior prom, so I missed it. I also lost the most crucial woman I'd ever had in my life, my great grandmother. She'd been more of a mother to me than my actual one ever was. I'd always told her she'd see me graduate, but leukemia cut her life short by just a couple months. Good god did that sting. Managed to get a concussion for my senior day and still walk the stage for my community college degree later on that day. Graduated high school.

I'm sure I sound deadpan about all that. Mostly because I'd assumed I'd have finally offed myself before I ever picked up my diploma. No dice. So I started working my ass off in a fast food kitchen and took classes at the local community college. Somewhere in the midst of that, I'd been invited by friends to come to a youth group.

It was there that I met my future exboyfriend and my future exhusband (spoilers). Seeing as my current boyfriend was constantly shit-talking me to his pals even though he knew I'd see it, I started getting closer to my friends to have some sort of light in my life. My mental health got worse as my relationship collapsed, though, and I tried to overdose again somewhere in there. Which is only remarkable in the fact that I'd swallowed half a bottle of sleeping pills and managed to work a night shift at my job without anyone noticing.

Inevitably, he'd decided my getting close to my future (ex)husband and best friend was actually me cheating on him. Hilarious really, because we'd never even so much as looked at each other that way. I did like him of course, he seemed like much less of an ass than my boyfriend, but he was in a relationship and I didn't want to interfere. Boyfriend becomes ex over text, only to try and patch things up the next day. I told him to go to hell. My friends invite me over for games one day, only for me to find out he'd staged a meeting with a bouquet of roses. I once again told him where to get off, and let the roses rot and die in the backseat of my car. He even tried to say how he'd been making payments on a ring to propose and asked how that'd made me feel. "Angry" I had replied. I think he finally started to get the hint.

I'd ended up in tears at my at the time good friend's house. He talked me through things, and of course it ended up in a confession of feelings for me. Dreading the thought of being alone after being single for a little while, we back and forthed about whether it would be a good move before he left for college, but we inevitably ended up together.

What a fucking ride I was about to go on. He's the first and only person in my life to make me feel like I was inadequate sexually, however this seemed to be much more a problem with his own struggling sense of sexuality than it was a problem with me..didn't stop me from taking it personally, though. I'd even started pondering my sense of gender at this point--I was a tomboy my whole life anyway, it wouldn't have been a huge leap to just be a boy, right?

Either way, he'd left for college and I made long drives every weekend I could to see him. It helped that I'd gotten a new job thanks to the last kind thing my cousin ever did for me, referring me to her fiance's uncle, who became like a surrogate father figure in my worklife. I went down and took my boyfriend on the nicest dates I could think of; lavish dinners, expensive card and collectible store raids, the whole nine yards. Put myself in a hell pit of credit card debt.

Then my friends and I all went down to spend the weekend with him at an anime convention. The weekend would've been absolutely amazing..except. Saturday night happened. Tired and frustrated with trying to get everyone together after a late night rave, a few of us milled about on the sidewalk outside. A random person offers my boyfriend and another friend a tenner if they went across the street and made a jump from a story up the stairs of a under-construction building. They were unable to get past the gates, luckily, but another random guy was able, and managed to break his ankle in the jump.

I helped the guy best I could to get his ankle straight until he could get checked, then went over to playfully hassle my boyfriend over the fact that that could've very well been him. After a minute or two, I watched his expression go blank. He pushed me backwards first, just far enough so that his fist could wind far enough to land a hard punch to my chest. I felt the wind go out of my lungs. I felt a rushing in my ears and tears well in my eyes--then I lost some time. I was apparently hysterical, having something worse than a panic attack (in fact, I learned much later into my mental health journey I'd been triggered into a ptsd flash). Someone drove us back to the dorms, and my then bestfriend came into the room later on and it was then (must've been an hour after the fact by this point) that I was able to squeak out "he hit me" after having lost my voice since it happened. He immediately begins saying if IF it did happen, he'd blacked out, must've been because I was hassling him, whatever he could say to deflect. Right. It's always my fault, somehow.

You'd think I would've walked away from the relationship, but I sadly believed him as much as my friend did. I even ended up planning (and failing due to my car overheating halfway to the spot I'd picked) to propose to him myself, and I did, though it was an odd bojangle's parking lot instead of the beach. Woof. That's hard to relive.

I turned 21 that year. Not long after, my father said I was becoming an alcoholic. I kept liquor under my bed to nurse myself to sleep for some time. Couldn't show my face at a New Year's party I normally would've loved to been at. Turns out that this is what my depression feels like when it's bad.

After sporadic contact off and on, my friend (future exhusband) starts talking to me again. Invites me over to take some extra junk food off his hands. I get there and within a minute he recognizes that something is very wrong with me, and starts talking me into going to see a therapist.

Maybe you'll see a pattern here, but it felt really nice to have somebody see I'm struggling and give a damn about my wellbeing. All the feelings I'd had for him before that had never died off came back and hit me like a deer being plowed by an eighteen wheeler.

It came to a head on Valentine's day. We'd flirted and skirted around the gray areas of being unfaithful for a bit, but when he took me to dinner and kept ordering me drinks (I wanted them, I don't believe this was a ploy BECAUSE) he brought me back to his house and put me to bed to sleep it off, but in my drunken, sad state of being, I begged him in tears to sleep with me. He gave in to my begging, and I became something I never wanted to be--a bonafide cheater.

You could maybe write off one night like that, but once that first time happened, I couldn't stop. I loved him, I wanted him, I wanted what I thought was happiness and forever because I'd waited so long for this. But god, did the guilt fuck my head right up. The worst of my scars on my thighs came from that guilt, and I was so suicidal that I was dubbed a "flight risk" constantly. I started to feel like he was my only anchor to life.

It took a little over two months, but I finally had to come clean to my boyfriend lest I let the guilt eat me alive. I'd struggled with the thoughts of telling him as he was incredibly mentally fragile as well, and I dreaded the thought of being the one to push him over the edge. That's no excuse to lie I realize, but it was where my mind was at the time.

When I had told him everything, he'd suggested overlooking what I'd done, he didn't want to lose me. As sweet a gesture as it sounds, I simply couldn't allow the relationship to continue--I wasn't happy with him, I hadn't been in many months even before my affair, and if I'd ended things the way I should've, it wouldn't have been an affair in the first place. We remained friends for a while afterwards even as my new relationship started rolling.

Somewhere in this, my boyfriend and I spent a night hanging out with my oldest friend from school and her waste of space then-husband. We all got drunk, and before I knew it, I had three people on top of me in a sexual way that I felt gross about. I ended up leaving boyfriend there and driving myself home, wanting to throw up but not from the liquor.

I also got into smoking weed at this point. I fell in love with the stuff; it tempered the constant body pains that I couldn't get a doctor to take seriously and it helped my currently unmedicated brain process emotions a little better. One day I'd gotten high and not felt like driving, but my boyfriend and friend wanted to go to the pool. Friend offered to drive, I agreed, and laid across the back seat of my car for the ride.

We never made it to the pool. My friend pulled out into an intersection and got us t-boned, totaling my car and whipping my spine, which resulted in my one and only ride in an ambulance in my life so far. I stayed the next couple days with my boyfriend at his house, and it wasn't a couple months later that I finally moved out of my parents house to live with him and his family.

Not long after my moving in, my ex had asked me for an online game, which wasn't uncommon, but I was tired from a long day at work and politely declined. Thirty minutes later, I'd been one of a few friends and family to receive what was meant to be a suicide letter. I panicked, calling him almost a hundred times as I ran over to his family's house to bang on their doors and warn them--all of which, the calls and banging, were ignored. I thought finally to try my work phone, which had a completely unique number. He answered on the first ring. I cried in relief begging him to be okay and while he had attempted to run out into the heavy traffic near his college, he was unsuccessful and was being escorted to a psychiatric ward by a policeman. I went back home, sobbing painfully and nearly vomiting from the stress. He called once from the psych ward, and then I never (and I mean to this present day) heard from him again. I tried so hard to talk to him, apologizing over and over, begging for responses for quite some time after.

Oh well. Back to the rest of it. My boyfriend and I were happy-ish for a while, until his anger issues and general aggravation with my precarious mental and emotional state started to make arguments a regular part of our lives. Well, he argued, I shut down. I went to therapy, went through a long laundry list of medications for depression and insomnia. Nothing ever worked too well for too long.

I also lost my relationship with my cousin who'd been my best friend growing up because I refused to go to her wedding without him accompanying me; he was my rock and the only thing standing between social events and anxiety attacks. Sad. Life goes on.

Stress and drama became a usual mainstay in my life. It wasn't much different than my life before, but I was slowly losing my ability to tolerate it. Then, I brought up the idea of trying polyamory. I will preface saying that polyamory probably is wonderful for other people, but it isn't something I should've gotten into, as I was in it for the wrong reasons. I'd gotten the idea from him, he'd done it in his previous relationship. And when I wanted to try it, it was funnily enough with his previous third partner that I'd always had some feelings for, but my god what a trainwreck of drama that girl ended up being.

Then we had a threesome with one of my long term friends. He became a ENM fling for me, but I cut it short as I did not want to mess up our friendship. Then, I got the bright idea to try the same thing with the guy my parents had tried to put under the county jail when I was 15. It was fun at first, then I made friends with his ex/baby mama, and was informed that he had an STI...that he'd not mentioned at all. I was blindsided and full of rage. I struggled at first with whether I should forgive him or not, ultimately I didn't, and stranded him at work one night as I cut contact after I left him there.

Not long after, we traveled to meet my now-fiance's partner. I loved her, she was a wonderful girl, and I helped plan an extravagant weekend for the three of us. Too bad I didn't take him spending the night in her room instead of mine too well. Or him sleeping with me, me begging him to stay with me a bit longer or at least to not go over there to sleep with her immediately after he left me.. that one really didn't go over well.

I couldn't take it. I ended up making them split up, which was such a heart rending feeling of guilt for me that I had a mental breakdown at work and got rode over in an ambulance (oh, guess it was twice in my life) to the hospital. My dad had to come pick me up, and I lost my job over what I'd done to myself at work.

We got married a couple months later. I remember having a conversation with my dad and lying about how I was feeling as we waited for him to go back to the house and get his license (which you need for the paperwork part of marriage to his surprise).

October came and he took my car out one night without asking. Half asleep from a powerful dose of ambien, I answer a panicked phone call. He'd wrecked my car. I had to go pick him up, and was made out to be a horrible person for being too tired to have a proper reaction.

Except I absolutely was positively pissed beyond belief. This was my second (also my favorite) vehicle to be totaled by someone else. I resented him so much. January rolled around and in the midst of a volatile argument, he'd said he hated me a little right then. I was truly never able to let that comment go.

We fought our way through to April, having made friends with yet another trash-incarnate human being in the meantime, but it didn't matter right then. One day I sat by the river with a bottle of pills I was sure would do it this time, and a photo of the two of us together. I didn't do it, then got to make me feel like I wished I had. The next day I took myself to the emergency room and, because of my prior history, my voluntary admittance was quickly flipped into an involuntary stay.

I never felt worse than I did while I was held in the emergency room, no contact, nothing to do but be alone with my thoughts. I cried, screamed quietly, couldn't sleep despite being loaded with valium.

I was transferred to a nice hospital psych ward in the mountains. I spent my week there making friends with people of all kinds, doing group therapy, and enjoying what felt like a safe little fishbowl compared to the terrifying ocean that was reality outside.

They figured out part of the problem was an antidepressant I'd been against taking in the first place, go figure. I was finally put on a medication that worked consistently, and sent on my way.

I spent the next month after my discharge absolutely drunk off my ass. The whole month. I ended up screwing around with the garbage friend despite not having permission to do so, and nearly lost my marriage when I admitted that it happened a week later. My husband and I spent my first week at a new job fighting over text, but we were eventually able to reconcile (kinda. Things wouldn't be the same afterward but that's expected).

Maybe a month later, I met who is decidedly the love of my life, but we started off as just friends (and coworkers, too). He quickly became my best friend since we spent so much time together. I was good friends with his ex (then girlfriend) too, and the four of us hung out outside of work almost daily.

We managed to get through my birthday and halloween happily. Then, without warning, his girlfriend becomes his ex and he's being kicked out of his living situation. I honestly took offense with how awfully my best friend had been treated, and decided to show her how clearly I was on his side the only way I knew how.

I picked him up and brought him back to my house from his family's, and we spent the weekend talking through things until the sadness turned into laughter, and I had very fast and hard fallen deep in love with my best friend.

I was an asshole for asking my husband to allow me to have a relationship with him, but he did agree to it as he was afraid of me doing it behind his back if he said no. But, any yes was good enough for me at that point.

It worked for a while, he even moved in with us for a month or so. As expected, though, things blew up, and instead of trying to salvage my broken marriage, I ran away with my boyfriend because I felt something with him I'd never felt before now--peace.

And even though we spent a month effectively homeless on a friends couch, even though we've been through so many things already together, he has consistently been my peace. He has loved me through some of the toughest decisions of my life and has helped me try to rebuild my mental health with a type of patience and gentleness I never thought possible of another human being.

"This sounds like more of an autobiography than it does reasoning."

I'm sure it does, but I've at least halfway answered your question in telling you all this.

[oneforallheadcannonsandshorts]

That anon gave me an idea for a request. How would The First user react of seeing his child after his s/o gave birth and how would he be with his s/o during pregnancy and then how would he be with his baby. Set in an AU where he didn't have to fight AFO also the other users are also alive and react to become uncles and aunts. Hope this isn't too much! I love ur writing! Keep it up!

First User has a child, All One for All users alive AU

Key:

[f/n] = first name

[s/c] = skin color

[h/l] = hair length 

[h/c] = hair color

[e/c] = eye color

A/N: Just to make it easier on myself, I will be referring to the first user as Yuichi. But that is just for this request. Also side note, “Ichi” is the kanji for “one”. Second user will be called Ganji Nishizaka, “Ni” is the kanji for “two”. Third user will be called Wakaba Sans, “San” is the kanji for “three”. Sixth user will be called Okada Roku, “Roku” is the kanji for “six”. 

Possible Manga Spoilers ahead?  

To say that Shigaraki [f/n] is nervous, is an understatement. She’s only been married for nine years to her husband Shigaraki Yuichi and now she is pregnant. And someone people may say that nine years of marriage is the prefect time to be having kids. But [f/n] doesn't think so. Also having a child is a lot of responsibility that not everyone is ready for. 

“Okay little one, how am I going to tell you daddy?” [f/n] wonders to herself as she stands before the mirror of the bathroom. 

“Hey, [f/n] are you okay in there?” Asks her long time friend Shimura Nana. 

“Yeah, be out in a minute.” [f/n] says taking a deep breath. 

[f/n] steps out of the bathroom to see Nana waiting for her in the hall. Nana takes one look at [f/n] before she gasps excitedly. Quickly, [f/n] covers Nana’s mouth. 

“Not a word.” [f/n] snaps in a whisper. 

“Okay, okay.” Nana whispers softly. “How long?”

“About a week. I had been feeling sick and then I went to the doctors early this morning.”

“By yourself?” 

“Yep.” 

“How are you going to tell him?”

“Not sure yet. But just dont say anything okay.” [f/n] begs. 

“Okay.” Nana nods. 

[f/n] smiles softly as she and Nana enter the living room. Yuichi is out with the boys of their friend group; Ganji Nishizaka, Wakaba Sans, Hikage Shinomori, Banjo Daigoro, and Okada Ruko. Apparently it was Daigoro’s idea to have a “guys’ day” and let the girls have time to themselves since they are surrounded by men. And the others agreed since it sounded nice. 

“What do you think the boys are doing?” Nana asks. 

“Probably at a bar.”

“Poor Shinomori then. He’s probably being forced to pretend he’s someone’s man.” 

“You know he enjoys doing that.” [f/n] giggles. 

“Yeah but still. Eventually he’s gonna snap and someone’s going to get sent to the hospital and press charges.” 

“Doubt that. But I get what you’re saying.” 

{A few hours later}

Nana leaves a few minutes before Yuichi returns. Thankfully Yuichi isn’t drunk but there is a huge smile on his face as he sees [f/n]. He wraps his arms around her forcing her into a long hug. 

“And what has gotten into you?”

“Missed you.” He says. 

“Did you?”

“You didnt miss me?” He asks pretending to be hurt.

[f/n] rolls her [e/c] eyes and says, “Of course I did.” 

Yuichi smiles and leans in for a tender kiss. [f/n] smiles into the kiss as she relaxes into his arms. Yuichi slowly pulls away breaking the kiss and stares into [f/n]’s eyes for a moment. 

“So, how was your day with Nana?”

“It was good. We just had tea and talked. What did you boys end up doing.” 

“Daigoro thought it be fun to take us to new club that opened up. We spent about twenty minutes trying to get Roku inside because he didnt look like he was old enough to go in as far as the bouncer was concerned.” Yuichi explains getting [f/n] to laugh. 

“Oh poor Ruko.” [f/n] laughs imagining just how pissed Ruko was and Daigoro, Sans, and Nishizaka laughing their asses off.

“You never did tell me where you went earlier today.” Yuichi says becoming serious. 

“Well, I didnt want to worry you. I went to doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I should have the tests back by the end of the week.” [f/n] lies trying not to bite her lip. 

She hates lying to her husband. But for now, until she figures out a way to tell him, she is gonna have to. 

{A few days later}

“You still haven’t told him!?” Nana demands over the phone. 

“Nana, quiet down.” [f/n] begs. “It’s not easy. I thought you of all people would understand.” 

“I do. Which is why you should just tell him. You and I both know Yuichi will be happy knowing he is going to be a father.” Nana says. 

“Yeah, yeah I know.” [f/n] sighs. 

“You could always ask Shinomori for advice. I mean that’s how I told my husband I was pregnant by going to him.” Nana explains. 

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt.” [f/n] nods. 

After ended the call with Nana, [f/n] calls Shinomori. 

“Hello?” His deep voice resonates from the other line. 

“Hey Shinomori, it’s me [f/n]. I need your advice on something.” 

“Sure. What you need?”

“Well...the thing is...”

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?”

“Yeah, been for two weeks now.”

“And you haven’t told Yuichi yet?”

“No, which is why I’m calling you. Nana told me that you helped her tell her husband.” 

“I did. With Yuichi, I think the easiest way to tell him is buy a baby outfit that looks like his favorite hero.” 

“That could work. Thanks, Shinomori.”

“No problem. Happy I could help.”

“Also, I have to know, how are you still not married yet? Seriously you’d make a great husband for someone.” 

“I am aware, but I dont think marriage is for me.”

“I understand that, but when was the last time you went on a date or got laid for that matter.”

“Oh, god now your sounding like Daigoro.”

“Hey that’s a valid question as a cornered friend who sees you as a older brother.” 

“Much appreciated and I do see you as a sister. Good luck telling Yuichi.” 

“Thanks Shinomori.” 

{The next day}

Finding the baby outfit of Yuichi’s favorite hero was easy. Now all she has to put is put in a place he’ll find it. That’s when [f/n] recalls that Yuichi has adult onesie of his favorite hero that he wears every once and while. She finds that onesie and lays it and the baby outfit on the bed. She also adds the test from the doctors to confirm it. With that done, all she needs to do now is wait. 

Yuichi comes home from work a hour later. He greets [f/n] like he normally does with a smile, a kiss, and a hug. After which he heads into the bedroom to change and get comfortable. 

Watching him head into their room, she waits for his reaction. Hearing footsteps she looks to see him come back into the kitchen holding the onesie with tears in his eyes. 

“A-A-Are we really?” 

“We are.” [f/n] nods with a smile. 

Yuichi breaks down into tears as he grabs [f/n] into a hug and swings her around. He laughs while she yelps. He plants a kiss on her lips completely overwhelmed in joy. 

{Telling the others}

“YES!” Daigoro cheers. “More children for us to spoil!” 

“About time.” Nishizaka shrugs. 

“Finally mini Yuichis!” Sans jokes. 

“What about mini [f/n]s?” Asks Roku. 

“You’ll both be great parents.” Shinomori says with a smile. 

“Agreed. Picked our the godparents yet?” Nana asks. 

“Shinomori and you for sure.” [f/n] says.

“HAHA Yes!” Nana cheers. 

“I’d be honored.” 

“Hey a kid can have more than two godparents.” Daigoro says a bit hurt he wasn't chosen. 

“You’re the fun uncle remember?” Asks Ruko.

“Oh right.” Daigoro smiles.  

{During the pregnancy}

[f/n] is surprised how much Yuichi involves himself in the pregnancy. Like, WOW, he is involved. He reads a lot of parenting books and researches tons of baby stuff. He brings up a few things he’s learned with [f/n] to see if she might be willing to try them. It’s a little endearing, but [f/n] doesn’t mind. She knows that he is just excited and nervous. 

Also Yuichi has been handling her hormones, carvings, and mood swings pretty well. Of course, [f/n] can’t help but think he might be venting to Shinomori or Nana’s husband to help get through it. And if he is, well [f/n] can’t blame him. 

There is also the fact that Yuichi has taken over getting the baby’s room ready. They still dont know the gender because they want it to be a surprise. 

“H-Hey, Yuichi can you rub my feet?” [f/n] asks as they sit on the couch. 

“Sure.” Yuichi says moving toward her feet. 

“Thank you.” [f/n] says beginning to fall asleep.

“You’re welcome my love.” Yuichi says leaning to plant a kiss on [f/n]’s cheek. 

{When the baby is born}

Needless to say, [f/n] thought she broke Yuichi’s hand during the birth. However she is pleasantly surprised to find that she didn’t. Of course Yuichi admits that her grip did hurt. Holding their, newly born son, [f/n] tries to hold the tears back. 

Their son has his father’s hair, green eyes, but your [s/c] skin and your mother’s oddly symmetrical freckles.

“What do you want to name him?” [f/n] asks Yuichi. 

“Hmm...Izuku.” Yuichi says. 

“After your grandfather?”

“Yep.” 

“Alright then. Shigaraki Izuku it is.”

==========================================================================================================================

Okay, so I probably should have done this headcannon style, but then I thought, why not try writing it as a short? And once I started I couldn’t stop. Also thank you Anon for this request and I hope you like it. 

Master List                     

[criminalminds4days]

Family Matters |  Chapter 4: Saying Sorry is a Virtue

Hello my beautiful souls!!

I hope this of you who celebrate Christmas had and amazing time, and those if you who don't had a great Friday!

I had a really chill holiday, and although I was supposed to be home and that didn't happen, I'm still glad I had a good time. I got a watch for Christmas and I'm obsessed!!

Anyway, I also wanted to let you guys know I'll be posting the story on Wattpad, and thanks to @meowiemari I also have a cover. I have attached it below! My wattpad user is @criminalminds4days so feel free to follow and read along!

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. It's one of my favorites. 💙💙

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references, violence and murder references, public embarrassment, and very bad jokes!

Word Count: 3.6k

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tag list: @mcntsee @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @evelyncade @haylaansmi @paulaern @myfandomlife-blog

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(This gif is not mine)

Chapter 4: Saying Sorry is a Virtue

It had been a little over three months since her absolute wrecking of the family retreat. She had managed to get her mom to get past it, and though she had promised to apologize to the rest of her aunts and uncles, she had not gotten around (well, more like she didn't think it was necessary, they probably had already forgotten, and she did actually mean every word she said).

Her team and she had evaded more danger than possible in the last couple of weeks, and she had a feeling today she would not be returning to her bed to sleep. She also had to figure out what she wanted to get Spencer for his birthday. She was so excited to celebrate with him that she wanted to spill her idea of a surprise birthday party to him, but she needed to remain strong. She just hoped he would like it, and that she could find something to give him. She knew him so much better now and had so many things that he would like, but she wanted this gift to be unique, something that reminded him of her. Not that she wanted him thinking about her all the time because that would be weird, but maybe once in a while?

A knock on her door made her get out of her head. She walked to see Tyler Hemingway standing on the other side.

"Can I come in?"

"Why?"

"I just-" He looked at the floor, nervous. "I was just hoping we could talk."

"We can talk right here, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to say I am sorry, for what happened."

"What exactly? That you humiliated me in front of my family, or that your wife called me and my boyfriend liars."

"All of it, I should have known better."

"Yes, you should have." She debated whether to say something else but decided against it. "I honestly don't understand where this is coming from, it was two years ago."

"I know, and I am also sorry it has taken me so long to say anything. I just didn't know how to approach the situation, and what we had was so special, I wish I hadn't ruined it."

She had waited to hear those words for so long that how wrong what she did, didn't occur to her until the damage had been done. Even if her feelings for the man in front of her were not the same as they were two years ago, those words were enough to make her become less hostile towards him. She let Tyler in, forgetting Spencer was waiting for her to pick him up in about twenty minutes.

"Spencer? Why are you late?"

"Because she didn't pick me up like she was supposed to. I assumed she may be running a little late, so I waited and then I called her, but it went straight to voicemail." He responded to Emily.

"That is so not like her, should we be worried?"

"I don't know, but I already am, maybe we should go see if she's home or something."

The elevator doors opened once again as Spencer and Emily were preparing themselves to raid her house in order to find her. She stepped out, a look of immense guilt present as her eyes landed on the brunette. He did not seem upset, more like relieved she was there. Emily dropped her jacket and embraced her, a huge weight lifting off her shoulders after seeing her. When she was released from the woman's hug, she directed her eyes back to him.

"I am so sorry; I was on my way-" before she could explain Aaron Hotchner told them to join the rest of the team at the round table to discuss the next case.

"This one is a bad one," JJ said as she read through the file. "These people are killing families. Not even the children are spared."

"Yeah, and it's only getting worse." Said Penelope as she shared the pictures of the crime scenes. She wished she could concentrate but Spencer kept glancing at her with worry. He knew something wasn't right, but she didn't know how to explain it without sounding like she was digging herself in a bigger hole.

She avoided him on the jet, as she pretended to be asleep and then engaged in a very interesting conversation with JJ about diapers and toddlers. As much as she loved the blonde, she sometimes didn't appreciate learning all these baby facts, it took the wishes to have children away faster than anything else.

She was now in a black SUV, with Spencer in the back seat and Emily driving. She sat in the front seat as they drove towards the hospital. One of the girls had been spared and they were hoping to talk to her about the unsubs.

"So, why were you late this morning?" Emily questioned, "You left Cinderella over there without his carriage."

"Yeah, I know. I am so sorry Spencer."

"It's okay, I just got worried."

"I know, and I am so sorry." She took a deep breath, preparing to explain to them why she had been delayed. "I just got some unexpected company this morning."

"Was it Anna?"

"No, she has been radio silent for these past couple of months, I'm assuming she is building a bulletproof alibi for when she decides to murder me."

"Is there something I should know about?" Emily asked as she stole glances at her.

"Spencer and I went to my family retreat a couple of months ago and when we were there I may or may not have basically told my aunts and uncles to go fuck themselves."

"You explicitly told them to do so." Spencer clarified.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because they all sucked. Emily if you would have been there, you would have done the same." Spencer responded. "But going back to the main topic, who came to your apartment today? Was it your mom?"

"We need to have a conversation about this whole family retreat thing!" The woman behind the steering wheel complained.

"I will tell you all about it tonight." She assured her. "And no, Spence, it wasn't my mom, it was someone a little closer to Anna."

"Her mom?"

"No, Tyler."

There was no response to that, Spencer looked like he didn't know exactly what he was feeling, while Emily seemed like she had returned to watch her favorite show only to find out she missed a whole season, and she had no idea what happened to the storyline she was following.

"Who's Tyler?"

"Anna's husband." She clarified, "he came to apologize for everything, and to say that he didn't think what Anna did was okay."

Reid scoffed, "and you believe him?"

"He seemed very genuine about it."

"Unbelievable."

"I am so lost right now."

"Spencer, are you upset about this?"

"Me? Why should I? It's not like I pretended to be your boyfriend to prevent him from making you feel any worse than he had already, and you ended up right back at where you started."

"Are you implying I slept with him?"

"I never said that."

"Well then what are you saying? Because need I remind you, he is a married man. I would never do something like that." She crossed her arms, becoming defensive of the situation. "He simply wanted to talk, so I listened. It was a conversation, and it's just going to be a dinner. Nothing more."

"Oh, so you're going on a date with him too?"

"It's not a date! Did I not mention he was married?! To another woman!"

"Being with someone else has never stopped him before."

"What is happening right now?" Emily asked, to no one in particular.

"Seriously Spencer?"

"Did I lie?"

"Why are you so worked up about this? It doesn't even concern you."

"I am upset, because even after he told you in front of all your family that he was in love with your cousin and married her, breaking your heart, he says, 'I'm sorry' and suddenly he's back on the top of your priority list." He spits out, his emotions running high.

"This man did what now?" Both looked at Prentiss as if remembering she was there all along.

"I can't believe you just said that! I confided in you."

"And I trusted you."

"It was one day! I forgot to pick you up one day and suddenly I am the worst person on this planet, really?"

"Are you seriously so oblivious to think this is about some stupid ride?"

"Guys,"

"No? Then what is this about? Is this about me making you look bad or something?"

"No, it's about the fact that after all we've been through and the fact that I have done all I can to help you and be there for you I am still less important than Tyler fucking Hemingway."

"Guys,"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Guys,"

"It doesn't even matter anymore, enjoy your dinner." He undid his seat belt. "Why didn't you tell me we were here Emily?"

"I have been trying."

"Let's go then." He said as he exited the SUV marching up to the hospital entrance.

"What is his problem?" She asked Emily, still heated by the discussion.

"Well,-"

Before Prentiss could respond she was cut off. "I mean, yes, this guy broke my heart but that doesn't mean I have to hold a grudge forever, right? I might as well move past it, don't you think?"

"If you ask me-"

"And it was one conversation, and we're going out to dinner to finish it, there is nothing wrong with that. I don't know why he got so worked up about it, do you?"

"Yeah-"

"You know what, screw Spencer, if he wants to be a jerk for no fucking reason, let him do it. I am not going to lose sleep over it, nor am I gonna give him explanations. Who the hell does he think he is?"

"I think-"

"Yeah, you're right Emily, when Reid decides to get his shit together he can talk to me, in the meantime, we need to find out who these unsubs are before they hurt anyone else." She undid her seatbelt and opened the door, Emily still sitting there, trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. "Aren't you coming?"

"Yeah, sure." She followed suit and they both entered the hospital. Spencer was speaking to the girl's nurse as they approached, he didn't make any comments, but he also didn't acknowledge her, nor invite her into the conversation as he did to Emily. He was acting professional and doing his job, but his stance and emotions were very clear by the lack of interactions between them unless it was absolutely necessary.

As soon as Emily entered the room to interview the victim, the silence that engulfed them made her heart tighten. Spencer and she had gone past this already, they were friends, there was never a silent moment between them, and now all of that seemed to vanish in the air, all because of her decision to let Tyler Hemingway apologize.

She chose to ignore the situation until further notice. Emily was right, Spencer was being a dramatic prick and she was just gonna give him the time to realize that he was wrong. So when she got to bed, grateful for a bit of peace knowing one of the killers had been identified and was going to be caught soon, the last thing she wanted to do was have a conversation with Emily about the topic this same one had told her to not think about.

"I didn't say to just ignore it. As a matter of fact, I didn't get one sentence out during the whole drive to the hospital."

"That can't be true."

"Oh, but it was. Now I know how Reid felt when Gideon left." She fixed her shirt and continued, "well, regardless, what happened between you and Tyler, and what exactly does Dr. Genius know?"

"Spence knows pretty much everything, it kind of came with the territory." She recounted the story and this time she didn't leave any detail out, well, almost didn't leave any detail out.

Emily learned about Anna and their rivalry, Tyler and him choosing her cousin over her, the only thing she never even brought up was her dad. Only Spencer knew about it and she wanted to keep it that way. She finally landed on the weekend in question and the words she had shared with her cousin. Though that wasn't exactly what Prentiss found worrisome.

"You and Reid kissed?! Like on the lips?!" She screamed.

"Yeah, it was just so they would stop bugging us. It's not even the first time we kissed, so why is it a big deal?"

"Wait, you've kissed him before that day?"

"Yeah, at my cousin's wedding."

"Holy shit! I was not expecting that. My OTP is getting all these moments that will eventually lead to the ship sailing and I didn't even know about them!"

"Have you started talking another language by accident or something? I don't understand anything of what you just said."

"Don't worry about it. On a scale of one to ten, how good of a kisser is he?"

"Eleven." She responded immediately, "but that has nothing to do with this whole situation."

"It definitely does! Now it makes sense, Reid thinks you still have feelings for your ex, and he's jealous. He probably doesn't even know it, and he's probably trying to understand why he is so upset with you. Oh my god, he's jealous!"

"Emily, he's not jealous. Spence and I are not dating, we pretended to be a couple." She explained, thinking the woman hadn't understood her.

"Yeah, I know that, but I also know that any fake dating movie or book has always reached a point where the two main characters become unconsciously aware of their feelings. This is it! THIS IS IT!" She shook her and laughed, then suddenly came to a stop. "Oh my god, I am the best friend. I am definitely the friend that gives some wise advice that makes it click in your brain, let me think," she looked around the room as if inspiration would pop out of the bed. "I got it: get your shit together and marry Spencer." She stood and walked out the door, before fully closing it she spoke again, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go talk some sense into our little genius. Love you, hope I am invited to the wedding!"

Though after the break in the case they had found themselves relieved and on their way back, the nagging feeling she called Emily Prentiss kept insisting that both doctors were actually in love and that all they needed to do was kiss and become a couple. It was so constant that even when she wasn't around she could hear her echo. Like right then when she was trying to brush her hair and mentally prepare herself for whatever this dinner with Tyler was going to bring. Though she and Spencer had not yelled or continued to argue, there was nothing else left of their friendship, at least that's what it seemed like. It was as if the past months were a dream and they were just back to being coworkers, and that feeling was burning her up inside. She did not realize how important he had become in her life until he wasn't a part of it anymore.

"You look great," Tyler said as she entered the restaurant.

"Thanks, Spence helped me pick out this shirt when we went to the mall a couple of weeks ago. He said blue always looked good on me."

"That's great." The man responded, clearly uncomfortable. "So, I know you had to leave for work the other day, but I was hoping now we could talk more about what happened between us."

"Yes, of course."

She didn't really understand how she had gotten to the point of having an actual conversation with the man sitting across from her, because she had been angry at him for so long, that it never occurred to her as a possibility. He had once again apologized and given her a tale of how he had let his emotions guide him without realizing he could hurt others, and while that didn't excuse his actions, she still accepted his apology, choosing instead to move on from their current limbo. They had quickly changed the conversation, like if two old friends had reconnected after so long. Tyler was a great friend when he wanted to be, he was pleasant company, to say the least.

"And the other day, Spence was trying to learn to play the piano, and I told him there was no way he could learn in a week. So what did he do? He-"

"Stop, just stop!" He interrupted her, and she furrowed her eyebrows confused. "I have been sitting here for an hour listening to you talk about your stupid boyfriend and his IQ of 187." He rubbed his hands through his face and tried to calm down. "Was this the plan all along? You heard me tell you that I wished I hadn't ruined our relationship and decided playing with me was perfect revenge? Accepting dinner only to humiliate me by ignoring me and choosing to talk about that Spencer guy? Is he in on it or something?"

Oh. My. God.

Reid was right, this man was not looking to mend old friendships or start a new chapter, he was looking for a mistress. 

"You, are the worst type of jerk I have ever met. I actually believed you wanted to be friends, to turn the page but all you wanted was to get in my pants." She stood, grabbing her drink and spilling it over him. "I hope I never see you again. Go fuck yourself Tyler." She walked, but before she exited the restaurant she returned and gave him a fake smile, "and also, Thank you for humiliating me in front of my family, you showed me how little you were and that I could do so much better. Say, an FBI agent with an IQ of 187." Once again she turned and this time she didn't even bother looking back.

The drive to her apartment was long, mostly because she didn't drive there, but to Spencer Reid's home. She felt her palms sweat, she hated admitting she was wrong, but she hated not having Spencer around much more than a bruised ego. She knocked on the door and Spencer opened, he looked confused, but as soon as he registered her in he simply raised an eyebrow and changed his confused demeanor to a completely neutral.

"I came to tell you that you were right. He just wanted to get in pants." There was no response, and she fiddled with her hands. "I actually thought he wanted to apologize, and I think part of me just wanted to believe that for the first time I was not being used, that people actually cared about what I felt."

"There are people that care about you, they are just not the wants you wanted to."

"No, they are! I thought I needed the people who wronged me to fix it, to show me that I was worth the trouble when in reality all I needed was for me to understand that I was. And I just needed a reminder that the people that care about me are the ones that should matter the most." A trace of a smile formed on his lips. "I am so sorry about how I acted, and I am sorry I left you here waiting for me. Spencer Reid, you are my best friend and you come before any other jerk out there. I need you to know that this time in which I didn't have you with me was miserable. I missed you so much I spent the whole dinner with Tyler talking about you."

"You did?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, I did. I missed you, and I hope we never fight again, I don't know what I would do without your friendship."

"I missed you too." She bit her lip, and he smiled. "Wanna come in and watch TV?"

"I would love that."

"That's good to hear, I am trying to get Spence here to watch Dance Moms with me but he refuses, maybe if there is two of us, he'll change his mind." A voice inside his apartment spoke. He opened the door to reveal Emily Prentiss wearing Pjs with The Hunger Games symbols on them. "May I say, you look hot. Blue suits you."

"So I've been told."

"Are you sure you can handle being in that close all night though? Maybe Spencer can lend you one of his shirts." She said, winking at them.

"Has she been drinking?"

"It's her third bottle of wine."

"We need to cut her off."

"Yeah, we do." He smiled at her, "She's right though, if you want to borrow something more comfortable let me know."

"Careful Spencer Reid, I might take you up on that."

"Awwww, YOU TWO ARE ADORABLE!" The woman screamed. "Just get married already!"

The pair laughed and made their way to the sofa, she closed the door behind her and sat down, feeling whole for the first time this week. Emily and Spencer were the best friends a girl could ask for, and she couldn't think of a better way to spend the rest of her night than watching trash TV with the two of them as they laughed and joked.

It was home. 

[itsjustanxietyamy]

it's starting: part 2

I spent my days carrying on with life. I went to work everyday, I dated, hung out with friends, went to the bar - essentially just continued to live. What else was I suppose to do? One of the people I loved the most had died. There was no wishing her back, no pleading with God, no hoping it was all a dream. This was real life. My mom was gone and she was never coming back.

This is where the timeline of 2021 goes fuzzy and my months/dates get messed up. I believe it was towards the end of January 2021 or early February. I know I had been drinking the night before. I woke up pretty early in the morning, the sun was shining through my curtains making my entire room bright. I felt a pain behind my right ear, kind of going down the edge of my head. It pulsed. It hurt for like, 40 seconds, went away and would come back. Now, this had never happened to me before, so naturally my brain went into overdrive and I started to panic. I got dressed super fast, went to my grandmas and hung out over there until I felt better and went home. Now, I didn't know this was the start of my anxiety journey but I can easily pinpoint it now. The next time I remember getting anxiety was when my cousin Jake came over. We were in the garage, it was still pretty cold out this was around feb/march and we were talking. I hadn't eaten like at all that day and I was already shaky from the cold. I remember this being a little more mild of anxiety but he left, I was anxious, I ate and I started to feel better. A few days later, my roommate Sarah and I were watching the final episode of Supernatural (I know we didn't watch it the day it aired it was awhile later) but we were sitting on the couch and out of no where I got hit with anxiety. My body got hot, my mind was racing, I was panicking and she was trying to help me but I didn't know what I needed her to do. Eventually, I think I went to my grandmas or pulled myself together and got through it. Now, a lot of these panic attacks I never took "seriously" like yeah, they freaking sucked but I wasn't debilitated by it yet. I would get passed them and think I was okay after and carry on. It wasn't until I was cleaning my entry way and laying down a new rug and shoe rack that I thought something was seriously wrong. My heart started to race, I started to get heartburn, and of course the only thing I thought was happening was that I was for sure having a heart attack. I immediately left my house and went to my grandmas. My aunt and grandma were telling me I was not having a heart attack, I was fine. But I didn't believe them. I finally worked up the courage to go to Urgent Care. I remember getting there and them bringing me into a room and taking heart rate. It kept beeping and they had to keep redoing it because my heart beat was through the freaking roof. They knew I was fine and that I was having a panic attack, but I thought I was for sure in full blown cardiac arrest. Eventually I calmed down and was fine. After these episodes my panic attacks were happening more frequently and I had NO IDEA how to stop them or what to even do. I stopped drinking because I was afraid I would have to drive myself to the hospital. I barely slept. I literally didn't know how to live anymore. I broke down one morning and my aunt and my dad brough to the U of M hospital. I wanted them to keep me, I wanted them to help me and teach me how to be okay. After awhile they told me I didn't fit the criteria and sent me home. I was heartbroken. I could barely function. I was constantly crying and panicking and had no idea how to live and somehow I didn't meet the criteria to get help? I eventually found a treatment place that would take me. I thought going to treatment would help me learn skills, be around people and teach me things I didn't know. And now, don't be upset with me about this but I had a great time in treatment. I never panicked, I was around people who could help me 24/7 I learned things and overall I just felt safe. Until I didn't. That part of the story doesn't matter but I left and went home thinking I would be okay. I wasn't.

While I was in treatment I found out my dad had Covid and then I found out he had gotten a blood clot in his leg from Covid. My dad ended up being okay but what I didn't know was I was going to latch on to "how you get a blood clot." I went back to work after treatment and I thought everything was A-Ok. I was in my office gossiping with a coworker but I had this weird pain in my leg. Eventually I talked myself into going to urgent care to see if I had a blood clot. I didn't. Turns out my scoliosis and sciatic nerve just really suck. But I never knew going to Urgent Care the first time for what I thought was a heart attack was going to be the flood gates to me constantly going to the ER or UC or the doctor to get reassurance. Eventually I found myself unable to go to work. I would sit in the parking lot, scared out of my mind to go into the building. I finally found a psychiatrist who would talk to me that day cause she knew I was in distress. She was trying to help me but I wasn't sure what kind of help I needed yet. I never went back to work.

[umbrum77]

Useing this Beautiful post as a jumping off point....

Lin and izumi spend a whole day with there kids but finnaly tuck them in and go to there beds.

"ursa is getting big" Lin smiled as she sat on the bed. She goes to take off her shirt but grunts as her body still aches. She shivers and she feels a pair of hands slide up her sides to help her.

Izumi pulls the shirt off with a sigh as she sees the bruises again. "She is. She is strong to. Aunt azula offered to teach her fire bending. Her style."

Lin smiles "oh that would be fun to watch Ursa would be such a little rebel in class"

Izumi goes to the dresser to take her royal hair piece out. "Well I don't no long how long you will be here in recovery but maybe you can sit in the first lesson before you...leave"

Lin heard the pause. No she felt it. 'leave'. Her wife always had trouble saying it. Lin didn't think about it when she was visiting not until the moment she had to.

She thought of this most recent time getting nearly killed. It was closer then others. She remembered what she thought as she was driven to the hospital.

'please let me see them one more time' she had begged to what ever spirits read her thoughts. She thought about how she woke up that morning and wished she wasn't alone in bed. She thought about getting to the station and hoping there was a letter from iroh or ursa waiting for her. She thought about how at the end of any normal work day she just wished she could cuddle in her wife's arms as soon as she got home.

"what if I didn't leave"

"hmp" izumi grunted dismissively as she slipped on a night shirt. "No Lin don't worry I understand why you have to."

"but you don't want me too" Lin said getting up and limping to hug izumi from behind. "And the kids don't want me to."

Izumi put her hands into lins. She felt like an old wound had torn open. They had talked about this. fought about this. The had come to an understanding. It wasn't perfect but they could live with it. How dare Lin get her hopes up.

"of course I don't." She spat pulling away from the hurt Lin. "But we have our responsibilities. We both do. And I've accepted that. I know how much your duty means to you."

"what about my duty to my family." Lin offered.

"you've had that duty for 13 years and it's always been second!" Izumi snapped. She did not want to do this now. Did not want Lin to tell her sweet lies about how they could all live together finnaly. It wasn't like it was the number one thing the Firelord wanted but knew she would never get. She knew what would happen now. Lin would look sad. Lin would mutter she was sorry she brought it up and they would crawl into bed together and hold each other as desperately as they could.

But Lin didn't look sad. Instead she raised her head up a little higher as if to accept a challenge. "I'm calling tenzin. I'm informing him of my resignation. And I'm moving to the fire nation."

Izumi looked at the woman confused. "You don't have to do that. You will just have to call him again and-"

"NO" the earth bender barked. "I've decided. I'm doing it. I'm staying with my family. I going to see iron and ursa learn and grow up I'm going to be here everyday for them. For you." She spun on her heel and made for the door grabbing a shirt on the way. "I'm calling tonight!"

She tore the open but stopped as she passed through the frame. Izumis heart and breath hitched wondering if this was when lin took it all back. The earth bender tured to the fire bender.

"I want to live here. If you will have me?"

Izumi saw a fear in her eye. Maybe it had always been a fear. A fear that izumi might say 'no'

"yes"

The Firelord watched lins eyes brighten and shoulders lift as if a great weight was gone. She watch as long started calling for servants and walked to lean on the door frame watching her wife talked to people in the hall.

This was really happening.

okoko so young Linzumi (30yo Lin and 34yo Izumi): Lin gets hurt really badly, a total near-death-situation. she's at the FN with Izumi and she's changing her bandage or something while giving her a lecture about being reckless

while they are doing that, a 13yo Iroh comes into the room and sees his mom with a fully bruised arm and neck and gets shocked. he can't move or talk, Izumi is fast and tells him she'll talk to him in a minute, to wait outside. Lin managed to see him and saw the same look she got when Toph came back home injured, a mix between confusion, preoccupation and fear, not counting the thought of "what if she doesn't come back alive?"

Lin sympathize with Izumi's feeling and apologize, she realizes now there's people who will care if she dies. after the whole thing, the chief goes with the kids and Ursa has no idea what happened, she's just happy her momma is there. Iroh hugs her tight and Lin whispers, while she strokes his hair, that she's ok

they end up spending the day together :)