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shannygoatgruff · 5 years ago

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Talk to Me

Stay Safe, Stay Home Writing Challenge - Prompt #16 (Call me if you need anything)

Genre: Romance

Pairing: Modern Ivar x OC

Warning: Language, sexual innuendo, insecurity

Rating: M

Chapter 1 || Chapter 3

Chapter 2

Sitting in Terminal 19, Ivar wasn’t sure how he was going to make it through this entire vacation without killing Hvitserk.

From the car to their current spot, they argued, non-stop. First, Ivar didn’t want Hvitserk's with his leg braces through airport security. Then, they argued because Hvitserk wanted Ivar to use a wheelchair because it was faster. But, Ivar didn’t want to use a wheelchair; he could walk. He had his braces had brought both of his forearm crutches. It would take him a bit longer, but he could get to the terminal on his own. After calling Ivar a spoiled dick-wad, Hvitserk then insisted that they use the airport shuttle service to get to the terminal. He thought it was only fair since he was the one that had to lug around their carry-on bags. Ivar just called Hvitserk a lazy asshole as he listened to his brother curse at him as they walked to the terminal.

As soon as they sat down Hvitserk wanted to get food. All Ivar did was ask why they didn’t stop on their way to the terminal? He was hungry, too, but now he was tired and needed to rest. This particular disagreement turned into an actual slap boxing match where Hvitserk got the last sucker punch in on Ivar’s bicep and ran away from where they were sitting.

Telling his older brother that he wished he'd get herpes, Ivar pulled out his vibrating phone. “Hallo, for Ivar.”

Just hearing his deep, yet gentle voice with that Norse accent, did something to her every time. She couldn’t tell Norweigan from Swedish from Icelandic from Dutch – it was all Scandinavian to her. The accent was just sexy as hell. “Hey.” Cash bit her lip, as she folded her legs under her on the floor at the Munich International Airport. “I made it to Munich. My next flight leaves in 2 hours.”

“I’m sorry,” Ivar put his hand over his phone and spoke in Norweigan to Hvitserk before drawing back his fist in order to hit his brother if he didn’t get away from him. “Did you have a good flight?” He was relieved that she did. “I just made it to the airport. My flight is leaving in about 1 hour. It should take me about 2 hour, 20 minutes to reach Vienna.”

“So, we’re going to see each other in a few hours, huh?” Cash could feel her stomach drop at the thought. Part of her wanted to go up to that ticket counter and change her return flight ticket. She wanted to hop on the first thing heading back to Baltimore. But another part of her, the part that wanted to see if this thing, whatever it was, could really be something.

Ubbe is right. I have to tell her. “Yeah, just a few hours. Do you know what time you want to meet tonight? Our hotels are just a few streets away.”

“Um, I don’t have any idea how long it will take me to get through Customs when I get to Vienna.” She picked at the lent on her PINK sweatpants and thought. “Plus, I’ve been traveling overnight and haven’t slept at all. I’m exhausted – I may try to take a quick nap.”

“Okay.” Ivar was a little disappointed because he wanted to see her right away, but it at least bought him a little time. “But, you know if you sleep when you get in, you will never adjust to the local time. It is best to stay awake through it all. Besides, I make a really comfy pillow.” He held his breath for a second, trying to find the words to tell her about his condition. Instead, different words came tumbling out of his mouth, “I cannot wait to see your face.”

She chuckled nervously at that statement. Oh, that. Did he have to bring that up again? The last time they talked about exchanging photos, she ended up sending him a bunch of avatars. It wasn’t that she was afraid to show him what she looked like, but what if her mother was right and he ended up being some sort of homicidal maniac? She didn’t want to give him a photo to post on the wall of his creepy den of debauchery to jerk off to.

What if he didn't like the things about her that she was already insecure about? She was short – only 5’3” and skinny. No matter what she tried, she couldn’t gain weight where it counted. She wasn’t sure what happened but the chests, hips, and butts that all of the women on her mother’s side of the family were blessed with, those genes skipped her completely. Her neck was too thin and it made her head look big. And though she loved her curly hair, it was big, too. Not that easily tamed curly hair that looked good on commercials, either. We’re talking totally unruly big curls on a short, skinny girl, with a big head, big curly hair.

There were probably only like 3 black people in all of Norway, to begin with. What if Ivar didn’t appreciate all of her melanin? She was sure he knew she was black from her avatar, but they had never really talked about their races or ethnicities before. “I still don’t know what you look either. But, I think it makes meeting a complete stranger in a different country much more romantic when you don’t know who you’re looking for, don’t you?”

Over the last six months, he had been the one reluctantly to video chat with her. He was so afraid that she would see his braces or crutches. It was just better if they kept it to calls and messages. Plus, there was something really exciting about getting to know her and having her like him without the pity. God knows he had enough pity dates courtesy of his older brothers. “Not so much for me. I’m thinking, maybe we should exchange photos now.” He looked over his shoulder to make sure Hvitserk wasn’t nearby. “I want to look at you while I am on the plane.”

This was only ever supposed to be an online friendship. All Cash did was reply to a comment he’d left on a YouTube vlog they both subscribed to. Somehow that turned into them emailing and chatting. Then that turned into texting and talking on the phone, and late nights and giggling in the dark. The next thing she knew, six months later, she was flying to Vienna to meet him. “Does it make sense that I’m nervous for you to see me?”

“Why? I already think you are beautiful.” He said quietly.

Oh lord, I’m gonna fuck this boy. She rubbed her brows and shook her head at the thought. Cash had tried so hard not to get caught up, but there was such sincerity in his voice. “Okay. I’m going to send you three pictures. No matter what you think, don’t say anything. That way, if I’m not your type, then there are no hard feelings. We can just have a great time and hang out as friends.”

“You know that is not going to happen. You are so much more than my friend." He hoped he could still be this smooth in person, "But, I’ll play along. I will send you some pictures too and you will not comment, either.”

“Okay, I’ll call you back in a few minutes. I have to look through my phone to find somewhere I don’t look crazy.”

It took Ivar about 30 seconds to choose the pictures to send to her. Most of them were from the chest up or showed him sitting, so he was pretty confident that she wouldn't notice his affliction. He hit the send button and anxiously awaited her pictures in return.

When her phone pinged she closed her eyes. Did she want to open them? Okay, he is not going to look like Eric Northman, so don’t be disappointed. Why she had it in her mind that he was going to be some 6’6” blond vampire-Adonis like Alexander Skarsgård, was beyond her.

But, didn’t all Scandinavian men have that look to them? Sexy, long, lanky, blonds, with sad blue eyes that were slightly darker around the sockets and looked like they moonlighted as vampires. That’s what secretly hoped that Ivar looked like. A sexy blond vampire – she could be Tara and he could Eric…Girl, get yourself together. This is not True Blood. She shouldn’t have binge-watched the show on her flight.

When she opened her eyes, her breath caught in her throat. He didn’t look like Alexander Skarsgård, but this tasty morsel here…

Wait, what was she thinking? The only thing she could think to do was forward the pictures to her bestie, Glenn, with the following message:

Biiiiitch...Call Catfish immediately! This can’t be Ivar!!!!!

She didn’t care that it was 4am back home. This was an emergency.

As she waited for Glenn to respond, she found herself almost regretting having sent him real pictures of herself. Now he knew what she looked like. If he was catfishing her, he was going to have a field day. But, if he wasn’t, then he was going to be mighty disappointed.

Their beauty ratios didn’t match. She had this theory on the attractiveness of couples and had broken them down into ratios of beauty: high:high; low:low; high:low; equally yoked. The only couples that could stand the test of time were those that were equally yoked.

Two extremely beautiful people were destined to fail, (ie. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.) One would think that Nick & Priyanka Jonas would have taken the hint from their former beautiful couple predecessors. Cash gave them a good 10 years before they would crash and burn. They were just too pretty. Mirrors were destined to turn themselves inside out when they walked by. The world just wasn’t ready for all that sexy.

On the flip side of that coin, two extremely unattractive people wouldn’t last long, either. Take her cousin Maq and his wife Crystal, for example. One day, they would both wake up and be sickened, because they would take a good look at one another and realize that might doom the world by having a baby. If they had a child with their��collective genes, the planets might malign...stars might blink out of existence. It could be the end of the world as Cash knew it.

Then you had the high:low ratio couples. Those were the people where one person was really attractive and the other was, not so much…a la Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Yeah, they made cute kids, but Cash was sure one of them (and she was sure it wasn’t Beyoncé) probably always felt like the ugly duckling in that relationship.

If this was truly Ivar, they weren’t equally yoked. She wasn’t as jaw-droppingly sexy as he was. Granted, she thought she was pretty damn cute, but not like him. She wouldn’t put them on them Jay-Z: Beyoncé scale, but the scales of beauty were slightly tipped in his favor.

What the fuck was she thinking? Here she had just flown to another continent to meet a guy she didn’t know from Adam, only to be set up by him pretending to be someone else. There was no way on God’s green earth that this sexy specimen of man was the guy she had been talking to for the last six months. If it was, he either had a girlfriend, 2 wives in 3 countries, 35 children, was a sadist, serial killer, drunk, drug addict, or he was on the run from Interpol, or all of the above. Cash’s life didn’t work that way.

Men like him didn’t happen to her. Not without all the fine print.

When Ivar’s phone chimed, he couldn’t hit the icon fast enough to see the photos Cash had sent him. He had wondered for so long what she looked like, no matter what it was she was going to be beautiful. He was sure of it. Even if Hvitserk liked to joke that she was probably looked like Floki in drag.

“What is that dumb look on your face?” Hvitserk handed Ivar his sandwich wrap and coffee, before sitting down to peel back the wrapper on his own food. He eyed his brother suspiciously when he shook his head.

Without making a sound, he snatched the phone out of the younger man’s hand and looked at the screen. “Wow…who is…Is this who you’re going to meet?” Hvitserk’s smile was huge and his chest swelled with pride for his little brother. “Well done,” his voice raising an octave in his approval. He couldn’t resist nudging Ivar with his elbow a few times. “You are finally gonna get laid,” he laughed, taking a big bite of his wrap ignoring the bits of lettuce falling on his lap.

Why was Hvitserk on this trip? More importantly, why couldn’t Ivar have been born an only child? There was no way he was going to get to know Cash better or get any alone time with her with him around. Ivar thought about killing him, but then he would have to explain it to his remaining brothers at home. “I have had sex before, Hvitserk.”

“Yeah, but if you haven’t done it in over 3 years, I think you go back to being a virgin,” Hvitserk responded with a mouth full of food. “I think I read that somewhere.” Hvitserk shook his wrap in Ivar’s direction, as he tried to recall the statistics.

Hvitserk wasn’t going to go into what Ubbe had told him about Ivar’s ill-fated sex life. Ivar’s confession to Ubbe was supposed to be in confidence. But of course with Ubbe and Hvitserk being best friends, naturally, Ubbe shared their youngest brother’s woes, and then Hvitserk told Björn. So now they all knew about Ivar’s impotence.

Poor Ivar, they’d all thought. They all knew that when he tried to lose his virginity as a teenager, he was too nervous to "rise to the occasion". So, when the moment did finally happen, with his last girlfriend that they all lovingly (hated) referred to as, ‘that stuck up bitch’ Freydis, he was unable to reach a climax. And what did his ever so beautiful and loving (bitch) girlfriend, Freydis, do to try to help him in his situation? She stopped having sex with him, that’s what.

Ivar had begged Ubbe to take him to the urologist, fearing that his disease was the cause of him not being able to sæd, or whatever the term was for it in English. But, the doctor told him that stress and anxiety were most likely the causes of his impotence and he needed to relax – maybe consider seeing a therapist. But, he wasn’t crazy – he didn’t need a shrink.

What he needed was to get rid of his mounting case of blue balls that had him on edge 24/7.

Tag list (Please let me know if you want to be added/deleted from tags):

@oddsnendsfanfics @a-mess-of-fandoms @waiting4inspiration @simsadventures @chipster-21 @tgrrose @alicedopey @ariesxslytherin @laketaj24 @we-are-only-halfway-home93 @thelastemzy @becacosta27 @naaladareia @alexa4040 @absolutelynotanidiot @pokeasleepingsmaug @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @skadithegoddess @utlra-nina-bella @dina-m16 @tiyetiye @synnersaint @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @moonlightsspirit @the-jess-life @geekandbooknerd @dreamlesswonder86 @inforapound @cruelfvckingsummer @mummybear @flowers-in-your-hayr

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theliterateape · 5 years ago

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An Open Letter to a Late Stage Incel

by Don Hall

I hear you, sitting in your room, typing furiously away about how lonely you are and how angry it makes you that, for some unexplained reason, women don’t find you companionable.

I mean, instead of looking hard at yourself and your behavior, your borderline social retardation, your obsessive compulsive mania, it’s just easier to find someone else to blame.

A long time ago, a friend and colleague of mine was accused by a group of women we both worked with of being sexually inappropriate. He had been previously fired by another company for the same thing and was caught in a web of outrage and hurt and fury at the women who had him fired before and now the women he was being called out by at present.

We had lunch. I told him that while, in his view, the longer than comfortable hugs, the spontaneous but unrequested shoulder rubs, the slightly sexual jokes, and his basic inability to listen to women when they spoke amounted to a general creepiness he exuded. He was angry at the unfairness of it. He wept in frustration.

The choice was simple, I told him. Determine that the cause of his exile by the opposite sex was not their fault nor the fault of women in general but his fault or continue to see fault in every woman he encounters, slowly building up a completely unreasonable set of negative expectations about both himself and an entire gender.

So, as you sit on front of your iPad searching porn and pricing out Japanese sex robots (I hear they’re deeply discounted used) you have a choice as well.

Anger and frustration, self delusion and denial are not, in any way, sexy. Desperation and fury are not awesome qualities to put on your OKCupid profile. In fact, my guess is that smokers get more play than the guy who signals his sad, lonely, outrage for all to swipe away. And those who admit to smoking get no play, my friend.

A couple of friendly tips because I know that once you open your mouth about these festering thoughts about the injustice of having to jack off to pregnancy porn each night instead of having a live woman at your beck and call, the vitriol you receive is just more fuel for your impotence.

Have you heard the term “Loser Snob”? Maybe not because I made up the term (or as Belknap would write “FUN FACT: I coined the term “Loser Snob.”) A loser snob is someone who is of average looks but only seeks to date those who are of above average. You are that snob. You’re not bad looking but you aren’t Brad Pitt, either. A bit overweight, thinning hair, your teeth aren’t the bright white of a Hollywood star. Not a toad but not a prince. If you only focus your masculine attentions on women who look like the stars of your favorite PornHub channel and turn your nose up at women who, like you, are merely average looking, you are both a loser AND a loser snob.

Loser snobs are lonely, angry bastards. Don’t be a loser snob.

Second, and more importantly, women are people. Humans. The same as you. You don’t owe anyone anything, right? Neither does any woman you meet or stalk online. Exactly like you. Before you declare that they are all crazy and need therapy, take your own advice and see a therapist yourself.

I repeat: women are people. Which by definition means that, yes, some of them are assholes. Some of them of batshit crazy, narcissistic, opportunistic stains just like all humans. It also means that some of them are super heroic badasses with hearts of gold. And the rest are somewhere in between.

I’ve been mugged three times in my life. All three times I was mugged by either one or three black men. Following that series of experiences, is it reasonable to then associate being mugged with black men? Of course but it isn’t rational. On the same note, I’ve been helped out at least three times in my life — financially or just a genuinely strong shoulder to lean on — by black men. Is it reasonable to associate being assisted with black men? Yes but it isn’t rational. As much as the Social Media Paradigm requires the wholesale labeling of one another into tribes, it is the beauty of individualism that forces us to recognize that people are people and not monoliths of ideology and culture.

Thus, your bad experience with a woman in high school and that really awful experience post-college that caused you to have to sit with Human Resources cannot paint the all-encompassing picture of women you’ve chosen to carry in your beat up, 80s rock, duct-taped wallet.

As a man in your fifties, it is your job to provide a role model for all the twenty-year old dudes who, like you in those halcyon days, thought you had it all figured out. In the parlance of better societies, you are an Elder and the responsibility is to a greater good than your pathetic self interest and rage-fueled bias.

The real question you need to ask yourself is: Am I the man I thought I could be? How do I become him?

#masculinity #intel at five decades #open letter

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evodex · 6 years ago

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Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin

Celeb moms and the other side of the coin

Parenting is tough for non-celebrities. So when you are a celeb mom, it’s supposed to be easy, right? Wrong!

Celeb moms are just much of humans as we are. So, obviously, celeb moms also go through the same kind of process like we do when it comes to kids. Celeb moms also have the same little clingy kids like us and they also have kids who make their house a mess. But the thing that makes these celeb moms’ life harder than ours is their fame and constant spotlight on their life. Even the smallest mistakes the celeb moms do regarding their kids can become big in the public eye and they can receive a lot of criticism because of that.

Charlize Theron A Bewildered Mom Or An Abusive One?

#1 Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon is an actress, as well as an entrepreneur. She has always proven how great of an actress she is and in the process, she has won various awards for herself as an actor. This celeb mom started a production company called ‘Hello Sunshine’ of her own in 2016 which was concentrated only on making women-centric films. She is an open feminist and openly supports women from time to time. But that is not all she does. Even though she is busy most of the time because of her acting carer, she also handles her role as a mother just as well. She is a mother of three kids, two from her ex-husband Ryan Phillippe – Ava Elizabeth Phillippe (18), Deacon Reese Phillippe (14), and one from her current husband Jim Toth – Tennessee James Toth (5). Ava is known for striking similarity to her mother because they look so much alike it’s almost as if they are twins.

Celeb Mom Reese Witherspoon and Ava Elizabeth Phillippe

#2 Beyoncé

Beyonce is known as Queen B in the entire world. Everybody knows who Beyonce is even if they don’t listen to her music or follow her life. she has had three kids – Blue Ivy Carter, Sir Carter, Rumi Carter. She is known to be the most EXTRA mother when it comes to handling her kids be it their dressing sense or hairstyle. Beyonce is always known for her looks and her music but what a lot of people miss out on is her love for her kids. after the birth of Sir and Rumi carter, Beyonce decided to take a break from her music career and stay focused on her kids and she also did this after the birth of Blue Ivy.

#3 Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy Teigen has been an American model and actress for a while now. Also, being a part-time chef, Teigen has always managed to find time for her family and kids. At the age of 32, Teigen has had 2 kids, Luna Simone Stephens and Miles Theodore Stephens, the youngest one being born as recently as May 2018. Chrissy is also very famous for her savage tweets and her constant indulgence on social media. She is always sharing photos and videos of her husband, very famous singer John Legend, and her kids. Since she is also a chef, she always posts videos about the new dishes that she has tried along with her adorable daughter who gives her reviews on the food.

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#4 Kristen Bell

Kristen Anne Bell is an American actress, mainly known for lending her voice to Anna in the Disney movie, Frozen (2012). Kristen Bell is a mother of two kids, Delta Bell Shepard and Lincoln Shepard. Kristen Bell is known to be a savage mother as well as an actress with a great sense of humour. Kristen Bell’s kids like her movie frozen so much that she once decided to dress up as Elsa (a character from the movie, Frozen) for her kid’s birthday party. But Kristen knew very well what hardships come along with being a celebrity parent and therefore, Kristen is always very private about her kid’s lives and usually never posts pictures of them and always tries to keep them away from the spotlight and gives them the private life they deserve to live.

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#5 Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie is an American actress, filmmaker, and humanitarian. Angelina Jolie has fought for human rights and equality and black people’s rights before. Angelina Jolie has adopted six kids along with Brad Pitt – Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt, Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. Even though Brad and Angelina have separated now, recently they both came together to support their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt with her gender issues as they suspect that Shiloh has dressed up as a boy almost her entire life and if that is the case, both the parents are very supportive of her and her decision.

#6 Blake Lively

Blake Ellender Lively is an American actress. She plays Serena van der Woodsen in the teen-drama TV series Gossip Girls. We all have known blake as that little teenage girl from gossip girl and even still, at the age of, she still looks the same. Blake is married to Ryan Reynolds and they are perfect #CoupleGoals when it comes to social media. they are always joking and mocking each other on the social media which is very cute to watch. between handling her humorous husband and her acting career, Blake also handles her two little kids Inez Reynolds, James Reynolds who are still very young at age. Blake and Ryan love their kids so much that even between their mocking and jokes on each other, they still manage the time to let the world know how they love their kids.

#7 Mila Kunis

Milena Markovna “Mila” Kunis is an American actress. Even though Mila hated her co-star Ashton Kutcher during their time together in ‘That 70’s Show’, they later got married to each other in the most loving way possible. They are one of the most loved couples in Hollywood because they care about each other so much. Mila and Ashton have two kids together in their marriage of 4 years, Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher and Dimitri Portwood Kutcher. but even after two kids, Mila has always been into fitness and still looks like a 16 years old girl.

We, as parents think that handling kids must be super easy for celeb moms. but what we often forget is that they are human too. Just because they are always in the spotlight, does not necessarily mean they are any less affected by this.

I Was No #YummyMummy : A Tale Of Pregnancy Truth

The post Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin appeared first on Maa of All Blogs.

Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin published first on https://bestbabyinc.tumblr.com

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ashafriesen · 6 years ago

Text

Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin

Celeb moms and the other side of the coin

Parenting is tough for non-celebrities. So when you are a celeb mom, it’s supposed to be easy, right? Wrong!

Charlize Theron A Bewildered Mom Or An Abusive One?

#1 Reese Witherspoon

Celeb Mom Reese Witherspoon and Ava Elizabeth Phillippe

#2 Beyoncé

#3 Chrissy Teigen

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#4 Kristen Bell

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#5 Angelina Jolie

#6 Blake Lively

#7 Mila Kunis

I Was No #YummyMummy : A Tale Of Pregnancy Truth

The post Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin appeared first on Maa of All Blogs.

Celeb Moms And The Other Side Of The Coin published first on https://parentcenternetwork.tumblr.com/

0 notes