#WHY when I do the slightest mean thing bc im either mad or in a bad mood then I'll overthink abt it and cry and feel like the worst piece o

[gatual]

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[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 4

a/n: I LIVE FOR THESE MANAGER SEIJOH ASKS LIKE BLS TAKE OVER MY LIFE

(i originally planned to write the other schools for the manager scenario like theyre already in my drafts with plans and partly written out but like seijoh is my TOP PRIORITY (sorry pls dont hate me) BC THEY ARE MY BOIS)

also, most of my ask box is all for a kyoken ending and kyoken fluff and aoba johsai fluff and im quaking bc this is spurring me to create more aoba johsai imagines and my love for the other schools is just like being overshadowed by our little plant babies :’)

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: Im the anon who mentioned the chaos about the dating and can I say I love it!!! 🙏🙏 i kinda have this hc for the boys that they fight whenever they go on bus rides, just because they want yn to sit next to them. But she usually sits next to the calmer members?? The reason the boys fight?? She may or may not have fallen asleep a few times, her head on kyo/iwa shoulder. 🥺🥺

LMAO THAT PART JUST REEKED CHAOTIC ENERGY AND SHE WOULD TOTALLY SIT NEXT TO THEM JUST TO SPITE THE OTHERS AND I LOVE THE IRONY LIKE THE MOST AGGRESSIVE LOOKING ARE THE SOFTEST AND CALMEST TOWARDS HER LIKE PLEASE KYOKEN AND IWA ARE JUST LITTLE SOFT BEANS AND DESERVE THE WORLD

(bruh im so soft for iwa and kyo like my best bois and i must write them out IMMEDIATELY bc theyre so uggghhhhhh!!!!!!!)

MY TWO MEN IN ONE GIF GOD HAS BLESSED ME-

oh dear

bus rides,,,,, yep here we go

the team is usually peaceful and civil w each other (minus iwa literally beating oiks up but thats irrelevant information)

like they dont really have fights or have any arguments bc they meet up every saturday to talk about the week and if anybody had any concerns or anything they were mad about since it was like a family meeting

but boy oh boy

when you entered this family,,, arguments and misunderstandings happened once a week

‘no! y/n-chan said she was going to go shopping with me!’

‘um, she already agreed to go to to the arcade w me’

‘wait, she told me we were going to go visit that cafe!’

yes you agreed to do those things w them but you never assigned a date

your attention was something that these boys were always wanting since they only see you during club hours and practices

their jealousy gets really ugly sometimes and the two first years actually get all smug about it 

‘hm, y/n, we still up for studying later?’

you ruffled his hair and smiled up at him

‘yep! we need to set an alarm though or else i’d end up staying after 1 in the morning again’

‘great. cant wait’

kunimi rarely shows any emotion towards his senpais but they couldnt miss the smug smirk that made oikawa grip the volleyball and mattsun holding him back

god hes such a little shite

everyone knows that the first years have a upperhand than them bc of your same grade so the upperclassmen were much more sensitive to spending time with you outside of practice

and they liked to spend that time wisely

when the time for away games come, you weren’t that worried about it

i mean,, why would you when boarding the bus is going to be so early in the morning at like 4 in the morning and theyd be sleeping the whole time so you get peace and quiet

in fact, you were looking forward!

but nope!

jesus took the wheel and said no

instead, you were watching the team members shouting and yelling at each other at the asscrack of dawn

say sike rn

the 2 coaches were actually not there yet so they werent able to help you and whip the boys to order so here you were, bleary eyed and clearly still tired, sighing and rolling your eyes at the fight

‘SHE SITS WITH ME! IM TEAM CAPTAIN! I GET DIBS!’

‘NO! YOU DROOL ON HER AND MESS UP HER CLOTHES! YOU LIKE MAKKI-SENPAI MORE, RIGHT, Y/N-CHAN?!’

now you might be asking me, ‘author-chan, why are they fighting so hard for something as simple as a bus ride?’

well, my young grasshoppers, this is not just a simple bus ride

you are infamous in the team to be a sleeper

no matter what form of transportation, bus, car, any surface, you found yourself in dream land

yall i wish i was like that

the sleep paralysis demon beside my bed says otherwise

they freak out and fight over even a simple touch of affection from you, do you really think they wouldnt fight tooth and nail to being your pillow and freely watching your adorable sleeping face?

these men are fighting as if they were fighting something serious like a world war

lmao with how intensely theyre fighting, it practically is

but there were two players who actually didnt care either way since they only wanted you to be the most comfortable and they werent exactly the most squishiest members

in fact, they were basically all muscle and probably not the most comfortable

NOPE I BELIEVE THAT IWA IS IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST COMFIEST AND BEST PILLOWS IN THE ENTIRE HAIKYUU UNIVERSE

totally not my bias talking or anything

so it was no surprise when they didnt get themselves involved

iwa was already done w them and goes in the bus because mom deserves a nap

naturally, kyo follows the leader and boards the bus after him, leaving the others to fight it out in the school parking lot

you were happy that they were too distracted that they wouldnt notice you sneaking away into the bus and you were slightly disappointed that out of all the seats, kyo had to sit in the one-seater by the front

so you immediately went over to the other person, who was iwa-san, and he was just settling in, pulling out his teal blanket

you blinked at him when he caught you stare but he gently smiled before opening the blanket

‘i was never a fan of window seats anyways’

you happily bounced over to him and you placed your bag at the overhead compartment bc seijoh is bougee and can afford everything before you climbed over him to the seat next to the window

iwaizumi tried to make you as comfortable as he can so he kept the seat divider thing yanno what im talking about? between you

but his eyes widened when you casually pulled it up and snuggled closer to him

youve done this before so he opened his right arm for you to cuddle closer but he was still surprised 

meanwhile,,,

you just closed your eyes with a smile as you pulled the blanket to your chin and practically glomped yourself to iwa

ugh im so jealous of you!!!!!!!!!!

‘hmmmm, youre so warm iwa-san. youre like,,,,, jacob from twilight’

his eyebrow quirked and he smiled, wrapping his arm around you and tightly holding you close

‘oh? the werewolf?’

he felt your head nod

‘mhm. so warm, and strong, yet so gentle and soft’

by now, both your legs were already swung over his lap and head on his chest as you sat sideways

his fingers traced circles around your middle as his other hand was fiddling with your fingers

‘didnt he like mark a little girl?’

‘iwa-san dont talk about that!’

his laugh grumbled his chest and you giggled, trying to become even closer towards his naturally warm chest and inhale his scent

lavender mixed with peppermint

it was such an odd combination from the people you knew and you were immediately drawn to it

thats why you usually wore his jacket rather than your own

he always gets confused as to where it is but you steal it and watch him look for it

you didnt hear that from me though

it didnt take a long time for you to fall asleep and by the time the 2 coaches finally arrived and yelled at the players, they were already late

‘oikawa, i thought youd handle this properly!’

oiks whimpered from the coach’s scolding but apologized then pushed everyone in

the sight in front of them made them both boil in jealousy and squeal in uwus

you, the softest and sweetest and kindest little flower human being, being cuddled up to iwaizumi, the brute and bara arms and the ultra macho strong man, who had his head on top of you

KYAAAAAAAA

even though they knew you were a heavy sleeper and iwa slept like a rock, they still quieted down and silently walked over to their seats, hissing and shushing at anyone who even made the slightest bit of noise

rustle of the bags?

SSSSHHHHHH

seat creaking as they sit down?

SSSHHHHHHHH

they only let this slide bc your sleeping face was just so cute and they didnt have the heart to wake you up

and also face the wrath of titan iwa and be thrown into the atlantic ocean like oikawa did one time

when you finally arrived at the stadium, they waited for a rough 10 minutes just to figure out how to wake you up

they didnt want to wake up iwa first and have him yell at them but they didnt want to wake you up first either

but kyo didnt understand the dilemma and instead just goes to the back where yall were at and he goes to the seat behind you so he could reach you easily and tickles your cheek

the team is just like 👁️👄👁️

your nose scrunches at this tingling sensation until it continues so you open your eyes and finds kyo just smiling down at you

oiks is literally shaking bc he could see the smallest smile on kyo’s face

‘wake up’

with his gruff voice, it sounded like he was ordering you around but you knew he couldnt help it and blinked tiredly at him, giving him a smile of your own

‘hm, hi kyo-san’

you winced at the sudden appearance of the sunlight and that made you fully wake up before flinched at the eyes of the other players

‘hello, everyone’

you said slowly and you sat up, noticing iwa still sleeping

oiks held his breath bc hes been friends w iwa since he was still a baby and he knows that its like waking up a sleeping dragon

‘wait y/n-chan-’

but you didnt listen and poked his nose

‘iwa-san? iwa-san, we’re here’

you cooed and the poking made his eyes flutter open and with his head still tilted to the side, he swore he saw an angel by the way the sunlight hit the back of your head giving you a smiling angel effect

hm, i could get used to seeing this when i wake up

you grinned and when he finally stretched, you sat up stright, waiting for iwa to get up so you could slide out

but kyo was an impatient little bean and just hoisted you out of there and towards him behind the seat

‘come on. i got your bag’

he mumbled and you nodded, letting him hold your hand

lmao wait i forgot the time this is set

this is set during the 2nd inter-high okay? okay

oiks was still complaining at kyo and iwa hogging you but you didnt listen and continued walking towards the entrance, glancing around at the other teams

as usual, oiks and iwa were walking to the front bc yanno, captain and vice-captain, while you and kyo walked at the back, mainly bc you didnt want any player to stray off like kindaichi did last time and look for him for hours

kyo gripped your hand and you turned your head to look at him to see his eyes glaring at anything

you chuckled which made him look down at you, the glare slowly disappearing

‘hm, kyo-san, you should really invest in contacts. it doesnt matter if wearing glasses makes you feel like a nerd bc you still need it to see’

he scrunched his nose when you scolded him and he was about to retort when him and the team caught the whisperings of the nearby teams

‘oh my god, seijoh and the beautiful manager’

‘how old is she? i hope shes at least a second year’

‘ngh id tap that’

IM BLEEHHHHH

‘is he her boyfriend? if so, the competition isnt that hard then’

kyo growled and was about to lunge at the yellow jacketed boy but you held him back, also worriedly looking at your boys

‘seijoh, down’

you ordered and they shrunk back, opting to just glaring heatedly at the other teams

you could still feel kyo shaking at rage to them sexualizing you but your hands squeezing him and the other hand rubbing his arm helped him control it

‘dont make a scene, kyo-san. its your first competition since your suspension, right? and you love volleyball so please keep it in. i can protect myself’

you whispered but he let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close and continuing to glare at everyone as if he was asserting dominance

‘if they touch you-’

‘ill kick them between the legs, i know. you told me already’

you teased and he hummed in agreement

when they played, they were at ease bc the two coaches were there and they were also protective of you like their own so they wouldnt have to worry about someone to go after you

however,,

as they were warming up for the second game, you had to quickly fill up their water bottles bc they were already tired and dehydrated so you needed to fill them up

and they were all busy and you didnt want to bother them and you were going to be quick anyways so you just took the case of bottles and ran to the nearby water fountain

you were hurriedly filling them up and at your last bottle, you were about to cap it when you felt a presence behind you

he stood close and his arms snaked around your waist but you hurriedly tightened the lid and whacked him at the head with the heavy bottle

you continuously hit him and kicked him between the legs before hitting him again

‘DONT TOUCH ME AGAIN!’

you shouted and iwa and kyo were watching from the end of the hallway, panting from running so fast since they heard your shouts

okay a little flashback,

kyo was watching you from his perepharal vision and when he went up to spike, he took his eyes off of you for ONE DAMN SECOND and you nyoomed out of there

when he didnt see you anywhere, he wildly looked around and this caught the attention of the vice-captain

‘oi! kyotani! whats wrong?’

‘y/n. where is she?’

they took off running and the team was just like what

then they heard shouts and kyo knew it was you

his mad dog senses

hehe get it

he as about to tackle the guy but he saw you beat him with a water bottle and eventually taking another bottle and kicking him and hitting him with the two waters

the player cowered and scrambled to get away bc wow this girl was psycho

um no sir, she was protecting herself from hormonal testosterone filled children like you

‘YEA GO RUNNING! COME TO ME AGAIN AND ILL BEAT YOU UP HARDER! DISGUSTING! TRASH! GROSS! SCUM!’

maybe it was because the last time you were touched without consent was when you got bullied but you were definitely fighting harder and more aggressive at protecting yourself

you turned around and the rage from your eyes disappeared when you saw the two boys there

‘hey iwa-san! kyo-san! sorry, i needed to fill the water bottles!’

you grinned and placed the bottles back to the case before lugging it up

my god their eyes were shining

yep, thats my girl

when their games were over for the day, they made their way to the exit where the bus was at and you and kyo stayed behind again

you caught the eye of the guy and his team and you and kyo glared at him, both wearing a sadistic smile

UGH YALL ARE COUPLE GOALS I SWEAR

kyo even went up to him and the team shrunk leaving the guy standing there in fear at the look on his face

‘listen, i dont like it when my baby girl gets touched by filthy shite like you. so do it again, and ill chop those damn fingers of yours, got it?’

lmao he’ll come for your ankles

the guy just nodded in fear while his team were cowering at the back

you chuckled and pulled kyo to go bc as much as you liked watching this, you needed to go to the bus to go home

‘cmon, kyo, i want to go. im getting a headache from the smell of garbage’

he shifted his gaze to you and sent you a soft smile

‘okay. lets go’

hah you thought it ends there?

kyo is a dramatic little shite so he made a show of grabbing your waist and kissing your temple before flashing them a finger

oiks was tapping his foot impatiently at the bus and when you and kyo emerged from the entrace, he was about to snatch you up but kyo stood in front of you

‘EH?! KYOKEN-CHAN, I WANT TO SIT WITH Y/N-CHAN!’

‘no’

he said and didnt say anything else as he pulled you to the bus and into a two seater where you sat at the window again and he sat on the outside

‘hah? you want to sit next to me, kyo-san?’

you teased but he flushed red, hurriedly hiding in your neck

you laughed and brought a hand up to caress his nape

‘mhm’

he mumbled and you pursed your lips to hide the squeal

‘youre so cute, kyo-san’

‘not cute’

‘very cute’

‘no’

‘AM I CUTE Y/N-CHAN?’

‘SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA’

kyoken got away from your neck and went to hit the captain 

oikawa screamed

a/n: my first week of school was so weird bc we only have like 2 days and the other days are just free days bc we havent really done anything except talk about our classes but im just hating this system like ugh i actually want to go to school bc ya girl is going to a tech school and this 2-day a week is not the vibe

[luminisvii]

okay im gonna go black out and write some bullshit about my Thoughts on Literary Analysis and Character Writing bc i love writing and i love trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. i am an unfortunate fan of fire emblem, so the real joke is on me, but let’s do this anyway. using a lot of bold as always! it makes me feel special.

Why is Leonie such a divisive character? 

as per usual, here is my disclaimer that it’s okay to like Leonie. it’s also okay to dislike her, as long as you’re not being a massive dick about it. lord knows people are rude to me about lorenz and i didn’t ask for their opinions. if you like leonie, i am not out to get you, i’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t, i’m not even mad at you. Neat! you like a character i don’t! and that’s just fine. i honestly don’t care! go have fun! 

so let’s talk. theres a TL;DR at the end so be ready.

i’ll make no bones about it: i’m in the camp that dislikes her. i don’t have the energy to hate her as i do for faye, but leonie is pretty obnoxious as a character and it’s an uphill battle to like her. i’ve played VW like three times since i’m a self professed GD stan so i’ve dealt with her a lot, read most of her supports, and seen her as a character in actual cutscenes and stuff.

the short answer: making a character obsessed with another one and having that be most of their personality is really annoying. 

the long answer: let’s start on that now! these are my personal thoughts and analysis, so you’re free to disagree with me if you think i’m falling short.

one statement i will make right away is that i’m not offended by leonie being mean to the player. a lot of people who stan leonie like to argue that people dislike her because she’s one of the few characters who doesn’t kiss byleth’s ass immediately. that’s fine. that doesn’t bother me. after all, seteth and hapi are mean to byleth at first too, and those two are far more beloved… in fact, it’s funny that they’re mean to byleth. i would also argue that my favorite lord claude is not buddy buddy with byleth at first either, but if these popular opinion threads have proven anything to me, people love taking claude’s lying ass at face value. that’s besides the point—it’s okay that leonie isn’t immediately friendly to byleth. that is not an objective character flaw. characters need something to conflict over in the narrative, and not being instantly friendly to a player insert is not a problem in the slightest.

the major flaw in leonie’s character, imo, is that the writers decided it was a brilliant idea to make her obsessed with a man who barely seems to acknowledge her. this is an extremely unfortunate reoccurring character trope in fire emblem. notable other victims that more modern fe fans may recognize are faye and cordelia, faye being the worst offender. luckily, leonie isn’t as bad as faye. but it really is irritating that leonie, along with these other women, seem entirely driven by men who cannot acknowledge them. within three houses, you have similar traits in male characters as well: cyril is another notable offender, and to a lesser extent, dedue’s fixation on dimitri. now, we do see jeralt talking to leonie at the very least, and he does speak about her at least once in my memory, and positively at that. so it’s not as pathetic as the likes of faye. 

outside of that, leonie cannot stop fucking reminding everyone she comes across: she loves captain jeralt. she’s his only apprentice. and you, dear player, who is his child, are not good enough, because you don’t love him as much as she does. practically all her convos with byleth are about how they don’t love jeralt enough, save for a slight turn around in the A support where she talks about her promise to protect byleth in jeralt’s place. to be honest, i usually ditch her in any run i’m forced to take her (hello sylvain, the superior idiot redhead cavalier) so this promise is just cute.

the arrogance in this attitude is insensitive at best, and as seen in her B support with byleth, potentially malicious and self centered at worst. 

let’s not beat around the bush. the main point of contention for leonie is her B support with byleth, which is locked to jeralt’s death. you cannot get this support until jeralt has kicked it. and if you’re on GD, chances are you have gotten enough support points with leonie to get it immediately upon his death. the man’s grave is still fresh. what does she have the gall to say to her beloved mentor’s child?

“I've spent my whole life working to become a great mercenary like your father. There were so many times when I wanted to ask his advice, but I couldn't. I just had to make do. That's how I've made it this far. Just hard work, all on my own. But then you come along... And it's like you don't appreciate Captain Jeralt at all, or how lucky you were to have him around your whole life! Ugh! It still really bothers me! You might be his kid, but I'm still his best apprentice! Got it?!”

YIKES.

no matter how you dice it, saying that to someone whos father just died? NOT GOOD. it doesn’t matter what her reasoning is. a lot of people argue that this is realistic, that she’s acting out of grief. maybe so. however, if the game wants me to like her, they’re failing, no matter how realistic her reaction is. if this was supposed to be seen as a moment of weakness, that would be one thing, but it’s clear leonie never learns anything from this. she never gets better. she spends the rest of her life constantly centered on jeralt, and sees byleth as a competitor and obstacle to his affections, even after he’s dead. 

i don’t want to entirely make this about byleth, because let’s be real, byleth is only one of her many supports. but it is the most easily noticeable, and the least charitable to her character. 

also fun fact i did a basic search for jeralt in her supports and thats 37 times hes mentioned lmao this isn’t even accounting for her non support dialogue! which is still a lot! 

so a decent chunk of her supports still involve her talking about how great jeralt is as if the man is jesus. her better supports don’t involve him at all. i don’t have easy access to a lot of her dialogue by chapter, but quite a bit of her regular dialogue references jeralt too, be it by name or title, and a good chunk of her endings, especially her solo one, have her just taking up his title and job and drinking habits. it’s supposed to be seen as cute.

this woman is in her 20s at the beginning of the game. she’s my age. this kind of behavior is worrying. 

so you’re thinking “tell, you’ve spent a LOT of time talking about how leonie won’t shut the fuck up about jeralt. what about the rest of her character? unlike faye, she actually has one!” right you are! i will concede that. leonie does have things going on for her outside of her constant screeching about jeralt! what are they?

we see that her personality has her as a hard worker and frugal person because she’s grown up in a life that has less than many of her peers. she’s rational and rather keen, capable of assessing her opponents correctly and outsmarting them. she likes to help others. her supports with claude are fairly interesting as they talk about their own perspectives on the world to each other in a friendly manner. she talks to bernadetta and praises her skill in craft and manages to befriend her. in fact, all her supports where she doesn’t mention jeralt at all are pretty good. she can be headstrong and sometimes quick to jump to conclusions, but leonie isn’t one to be too beholden to preset ideas and shows a capability to learn and change.

wait, this sounds like a pretty well rounded and likeable character i’m describing! what happened here? this kind of portrayal is almost contradictory to the side of her that only thinks of jeralt. 

a lot of people who like leonie like her for these aspects. at first, i had thought her to be interesting, since she’s the poorest student in the entire school, here on money raised by her entire village, which must have been extremely difficult for them to do. she doesn’t understand how nobles can be so frivolous, and butts heads with the likes of hilda, who has been raised in luxury her whole life and she clashes even harder with lorenz, who is obsessed with nobility. in a way, leonie is the slap from reality that many of the rich students from garreg mach need. and she also serves an important function in the dynamic of the deer—she’s a bit of a hapless straight man to all their bullshit. they always need one of those! in the lions, that role falls to ingrid, while edelgard plays that to her own house. 

so yes, there is merit in leonie’s character. there’s a lot to like about her here. however, in my opinion, it’s not enough to make up for the incredibly abrasive aspects of her fixation on jeralt. it really just comes back to that—that someone decided that it would be a fantastic character trait to have her never stop thinking about a man, and flaunt this to the man’s child. constantly. almost all her dialogue directed at byleth is about jeralt. post skip, a lot more of her lines become about jeralt and making him proud. it’s like she thinks that he’s her dad. she’s a grown ass woman! leonie is one of the older students! she is an adult by the time the game starts! an adult with some actual worldly experience, unlike her peers! what went wrong? why is she like this? why did they make her so fucking annoying when it comes to jeralt?

so yes, that’s what i think is the major flaw of her character. a flaw that is not easily overcome. cyril is a largely derided character for similar reasons. another simple control+f tells me that rhea is mentioned in cyril’s supports 59 times so uh, woo! he has leonie beat there.

worst of all this is a flaw that narratively, she does not overcome. she never grows and gets better from it. she never changes her single minded determination to impress jeralt, even long after he’s dead. a good chunk of her endings have her taking up his business and acting just like him, taking his title too. somehow lorenz is the more likeable character, and lorenz starts off as a much worse person than her! he starts as a stinky incel classist and somehow, especially over the course of verdant wind, manages to learn and grow and change into a much better person, while leonie remains stagnant in who she is. her own peers outdo her in almost every aspect, in that they appear to be capable of growing up while leonie, already an adult, never seems to show any signs of maturing over the course of the game. we see ignatz turn from a meek nerd to someone who’s willing to do what it takes to protect what he cares about. marianne grows from suicidal and depressed to finding the will to live because it means she’ll be able to spend more time with things she enjoys and people she loves. lorenz goes from snobbish and distant over his complex about nobility to being one of the kindest members of the deer, willing to go against his father for the greater good. even hilda matures! hilda starts the game lazy and unambitious, trying to avoid work, saying she’d never risk her life for her friends, to fighting against some of the strongest forces in the continent and ESPECIALLY on CF we see her refusing to abandon claude in his time of need, no matter how bad it gets, even if it costs her life. what does leonie do? leonie seems to forever be stuck in the mindset that she has to impress jeralt, no matter how far she goes.

this is incredibly nitpicky, i’ll admit, this isn’t really part of the character analysis, but i find she under performs as a unit too. she may have ungodly speed and no weaknesses in her skills, but damage output wise she’s easily outdone in house by the other canon paladin of lorenz and his wonky statline, and out of house sylvain has basically the same ability as her, the same color hair, and a crest + relic that make him way more effective. the man has bulk, too. so, that’s a small ding to leonie as well. i had the same problem with sully in awakening. for all the talk about how these women are just as good as the men, they appear to under perform quite a bit.

and i’m gonna talk real quick in a basic list format of arguments i’ve seen for people defending leonie, since i’m running out of like, a coherent way to talk about some of this stuff.

-She’s realistic.

maybe so, but the game intends for me to find her as likeable and sympathetic, as it is for all recruitable characters. her reactions to byleth and sometimes others may be realistic, but don’t paint a charitable image of her. again, the moment in her B support with byleth is so bad, it makes her seem like she’s acting towards them with cruel intent. while i don’t care about byleth’s feelings since byleth isn’t a real person, what it does is it paints leonie as malicious, no matter what her intent was or how realistic it is. yes, she’s in grief, she’s lost someone important to her, but in what context is telling someone who just lost their dad that they didn’t love him enough supposed to garner anything but hatred? even if she apologizes for it in their A support, that means she basically took years to do so and still seems to think of byleth as an obstacle to her being like jeralt.

although as i have said before, the rest of her personality is fine. i find her non jeralt stuff is much more well written. she’s a down to earth person amidst a sea of lunatics. that’s not a problem.

-People don’t like her because she’s mean to Byleth. 

this is probably true in some regards although i can’t say for certain. because byleth is a player insert and some might take it personally, but otherwise i find this isn’t much of a good universal claim since there’s more to the disdain to that. personally, i think it’s hilarious when video game characters are mean to me, but that’s just My Opinion, so no, i’m really not offended by leonie being mean to me. other characters are also mean to byleth, and that leads into the next point...

-Other characters act similarly towards Byleth and they’re popular.

one, look at those stupid unpopular opinions threads on twitter. they’re not as loved as you think. two, a lot of the characters who are listed for these things are often the likes of seteth and felix, and let’s talk about the context of their actions there. seteth is indeed mean to byleth at first, but his intent is wildly different from leonie’s—he’s suspicious, and rightfully so, of this mercenary who came out of nowhere and rhea is suddenly showing a lot of interest in and is giving a position of power to. seteth is not acting out of malintent or jealousy, he’s acting out of concern for the students and his daughter as well as rhea. because his core intent is “protect everyone around me” it comes off as far more palatable and dare i say, endearing. this is vastly different than “i’m jealous towards byleth because i love their dad and hate that they’re getting attention i can’t.” with a character like felix, this is outright incorrect—felix is not necessarily more rude to byleth more than he would be anyone else. felix is angry with the faerghus four in particular, but everyone else gets the same level of vague disrespect from him otherwise, so his behavior is not centralized to byleth. again, i don’t care about byleth’s feelings. there is also cyril, who is similarly obsessed with rhea, and is just as irritating as leonie for it, if not worse because he gets an extra layer of being a poc character obsessed with a white one who saved him. 

tl;dr: context and intent matters. a lot. i know this is a ton to ask of the fe fandom to consider taking things beyond face value, but please consider the context of characters actions and their intent behind them.

-People who don’t like Leonie are misogynistic.

i won’t discount that there are bad actors who are likely extra critical of leonie because she’s a female character. it could be and has been argued that the reasons that characters like edelgard and ingrid are so controversial is because they are female. but not everyone who raises criticisms is strictly doing so in bad faith. most people i’ve seen criticizing leonie do it for the same reasons i am, which is that she’s an abrasive character. these traits would not be any better on a male character and in some regards could be worse. so for this one, it’s better to take it as a case by case situation, and pay attention to how people are talking. those doing so for less savory reasons often let it slip eventually, somehow. i’ve been avoiding using the word “bitch” in this entire thing for this exact reason.

-Her non-Byleth supports are good.

this is highly subjective imo and comes down to what you personally like in a character. i do like some of her non byleth supports, but she still has an unfortunate habit of bringing up jeralt in non byleth supports, so the only ones that are truly good are the ones where she doesn’t talk about him at all. even then, some like her one with marianne can do the same accidental portrayal of her seeming like a pretty unpleasant person. this isn’t saying that leonie can’t be flawed or short tempered, after all i adore felix and he’s got Some Fuckin Issues, but her portrayal as a kind and bright person clashes with how she’s portrayed surrounding byleth and jeralt. far too much. i like her supports with claude, i like her line with bernadetta, and her seteth one is good too, but i’d also argue that as a personality she doesn’t bring much to the table. she’s a perfectly serviceable character when she’s not dealing with byleth, but i personally fail to see more appeal to her. she isn’t particularly enrapturing like some of the others, and unlike someone like ingrid who has a similar role in BL, doesn’t have the shared history and integration with the deer that grants ingrid a unique perspective on her peers. although again, this is highly subjective, so it’s tough to argue about this. i’ll grant that yes, the writing that doesn’t surround jeralt is WAY better and almost makes leonie a redeemable character.

-Other characters are worse.

very true! i’ll cite faye again as the bottom line for “this is how abysmal this character could be” and in feth itself there is, as stated many times before, cyril. however it doesn’t mean that leonie is better by association. and i also often see people citing seteth as an example over the rudeness to the player too, but once again that’s about context and intent. hapi is a lesser example, due to a similar mistrusting nature, and there’s quite a bit of the cast who are cold and rude because that’s just who they are. now, thank fucking god that leonie actually talks about things that aren’t jeralt. like, seriously, i’d die. she still talks about him too much, but i really should go through all of faye’s dialogue to do a proper count. 

so now you’re probably thinking—if you even got this far—“gee tell, you sure do like running your fuckin mouth, eh? so what’s the point of all this?” let’s wrap it up. 

the TL;DR:

what this all boils down to is that leonie’s got a serious problem in her writing where her entire life revolves around a man, and the way it’s dealt with isn’t particularly great. she doesn’t have a dynamic character arc like some others that redeem them from their problems, and the personality she has outside of her relationship to jeralt and byleth often clashes with the one she has with them, particularly centering on byleth. when dealing with byleth, the image it paints of her is extremely negative, and not one easily shaken—again, the B support moment is just THAT BAD. that is the most cited moment for why people hate her. it just seems like for all the flaws she has, they are not compensated for or grown out of like other characters in the game do for theirs.

theres also that tweet about how we put more thought into these characters than intsys does, so. yeah. definitely doing that right now. thanks, intsys, you did it again.

i will also point to the argument that we should hold the writers accountable, not the fictional characters who aren’t real and don’t have feelings. i don’t think leonie needs to be held accountable for her bullshit. i just wish the writers could have treated her better.

this is personally why i find leonie so difficult, and hopefully if you didn’t understand why people don’t like leonie, this can help enlighten you. i’m willing to hear people out if they have something to say, and as always, if you are a leonie stan, please go enjoy yourself, have fun, and don’t let me ruin your parade. i just enjoy trying to figure things out and talking a lot along the way! so that’s all, here’s hoping that in the future they do better, and remember that GD is the best house okay bye take this picture of me typing up this whole ass thing

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[honey-yoongles]

Written BTS ship for btsismy6thkink

Written ship YEEEAAAAS (sorry it’s long)

Hello… it is I, one of your favourite people in the world, I am here for a ship. Also I do apologise for this being unnecessarily long, and disclaimer to you can ship me with whom ever it doesn’t need to be my bias I won’t get mad, but I might get wrecked😂

I mean you know what I look like, but if anybody else reading my ship doesn’t then this is for their curiosity. Brown, collarbone length hair also newly with bangs; blue eyes, kinda chubby but I mean I don’t mind I look cute anyway and I’m 174(coincidentally making me shorter than all the members. I don’t know if this is necessary but I have 3 marks on my body proving how unlucky and clumsy I truly am, scar at my eye(a kid threw a shovel from a decent height, thanks for that you fucking twat), scar on my finger (tried to open a can of dog food but cutting myself in the process), burn on my foot(I spilled boiling water on it while making noodles).

I’ve been struggling with mental illness since I was like 10, I used to have undiagnosed anxiety and depression causing me an inability to talk to people and easily be embarrassed and it then proceeding to my brain driving me to the edge because I couldn’t take it. I’ve been able to control it though, sure I’ve had meltdowns and suicidal thought but it got better for a while… not going to lie it’s gotten worse again but hey, I’m not planning on quitting now.

Okay, so personality traits are + INFJ (advocate, that’s what the internet tells me) + Kind, even to people who don’t deserve it. + Forgiving + Weird + Happy, even with my mental illnesses I am happy. + Funny, like yeah but dark humour + Always hungry + Stubborn(so stubborn I taught myself to ride a bike, I didn’t speak in front of my parents when I was a baby only to myself when I was alone and I taught myself English bc my teacher wasn’t good at it) + Caring + Helpful + Positive

My dream job would be a writer, but frankly I will settle for teacher as the only person who believes I could write is dead and I’m not about to have people make fun of it. I am that one huge tea drinker who doesn’t known when I should stop, I LOVE books with a passion, I want to own every book I read and that’s just how it is. I love makeup which is just a way of expressing myself. I don’t have a huge support system but I got one person I would trust with my life and frankly to whom ever you ship me with they better be alright with third wheeling.

I love horror movies, like sign me the fuck up honestly I could watch them all day, they don’t scare me. However i am jumpy, literally if I drop something and then the sound reaches my ears I jump( lets just keep the anxiety thing in mind, because that is why). I have a little baby(bunny) but her name is literally baby. I love her with all my being because she is my squishy and she shall me mine(get that reference?? Sorry). Also got a dog but I mean we all know I love him. Actually I’m just a giant animal person. One more thing before I lead into boyfriend material things, I have a dirty mind, literally I can make everything you say dirty.

As for S/O, I would be supportive as fuck, kiss them any time of the day not caring about the place, probably jealous but not to the ‘crazy’ mark, the girlfriend who would let them pick the food and not actually complain bc I mean it when I say I don’t care, I don’t lie so I would tell him everything even I he did something wrong I would leave him to guess what he did. In return I would like trust and loyalty, that’s literally all I need… okay maybe like sex but I mean, we knew that at this point.

THATS IT I DONT KNOW WHAT MORE TO WRITE 

@btsismy6thkink ~

Hello to you, my in fact favourite person in the world right after min yoongi ofc lmAO IM SORRy

You asked, and I will deliver! Do not apologize for the length of your submission, it’s not like the one I send you was any better!（≧ｙ≦＊） Also we can’t have you being wrecked! Therefor I didn’t have to think twice about whom to ship you with. （＾ｖ＾）

I would encourage everyone to go and check out her blog, as I personally find her writing very good! (She writes great reactions, fan-fictions as well as ships, and she’s the reason I started doing them as well!)

Once again, thank you for your submission, I hope that you like your ship and the description I put together for you as well! *hand kiss*（*＾3＾）♡

Disclaimer: This written ship will be longer and more detailed than of what I usually do. I got carried away, so this is a one-time thing only!

I ship you with: Kim Namjoon

The first time he ever laid his eyes on you, he got hooked. He found you super cute, standing alongside and having a conversation with a girl he imagined was your best friend. You hadn’t noticed him yet, you were caught up in the gossip between you and your friend, laughing and taking sips from your drink every now and then. He admired you from afar: the way your hair framed your face perfectly, your fashionable outfit and the cutest smile, which he frankly caught himself smiling along with as well. Because he was so intrigued by you, he didn’t notice that your friend had left you alone at your table. This was his opportunity, he would think to himself, as he walked across the room taking the seat your friend had just left. Puzzled by his sudden appearance, you would let out a small sigh trying not to seem interested, when in fact you were the exact opposite. Namjoon would leave the impression of being rather introverted and shy from the first glance you’d send him, but you quickly realized that he was actually such a social butterfly. The two of you would have an hour long conversation about god knows what; he even offered to buy you a drink which you kindly refused at first, but accepted the offer the second time.

Once he got to know you better, Namjoon would admire your kind, positive yet peculiar personality. Every remark from you brought a smile on his lips, causing him to usually flash his dimples that you adored so much. Being just as unlucky and clumsy as you, the two of you would always look out for each other. Once he knew about your past issues and struggles with anxiety and depression, Namjoon would be all over you. He is the worrying kind, and would want to check up on you every minute if possible. He would at times go overboard, but you knew he did it because he cared so deeply for you.

It was no secret that Namjoon was crazy for you at this point, and it didn’t take more than a month before the two of you were officially a couple. Namjoon had written hundred of love songs about other girls and his past relationships, but when it came to you, he was simply just lost for words. You were the kind of girl who deserved the world, and yet he felt like it was impossible for him to put it into words. It was however almost certain that he would manage to write you something personal in the end.

Let us not forget about the shared interests that the two of you have as well. He loved that you had a passion for reading and collecting books, and would always ask you after you finish a piece whether or not you would recommend it for him to read. When you both had the time, he would invite you to different bookstores, buying you whatever book you showed the slightest interest in. On other occasions, Namjoon loved to take you out for either lunch or dinner. He would always suggest going to fancy places with menus on different languages that none of you understood, and although you usually didn’t care where the two of you went and what you had to eat, there would still be times where you would go against his crazy ideas, suggesting something a bit more simple. Another thing that he loved when the two of you were together, was your way of showing affection towards him. The fact that you didn’t care about what other people thought about the two of you, as well as you taking his hand while walking and randomly stealing kisses in the open.

Already after the first day of your relationship, Namjoon had invited you over to their house. He had no doubts about introducing you to the rest of the boys, because he just knew how well you would get along with them. Your positive and kind charisma would attract Taehyung and Hoseok in an instant, and they would quickly become some of your best friends. The fact that you were so good with animals as well, made them invite you over to their place rather often. They didn’t really want to admit it, but you sometimes only accepted their invite to come over just to spend time with both Yeontan and Mickey, and occasionally Holly as well, rather than hanging out with them. Seokjin would also introduce you to Eomuk and Odeng, and allow you to hold and feed them, and watch them climb around in their cage all day. After a while you would also come to befriend Yoongi, who was rather distant to begin with. Once you got to know him though, he was way more open and social when you were around the house. 

[boomboombitches-blog1]

Worry

have i mentioned i cant title things for shit?

Pairing: Vernon x Fem!Reader Genre: little bit of everything?? Warnings: Swearing, arguing a lil, bad self care, idk. an argument bc s/o is taking terrible care of herself (I accidentally wrote it not gender neutral and im too tired to fix it atm but if you want a male/gender neutral version tell me and i’d be happy to fix this sfjksl 

The door was locked when you got home, and that was the first sign that something was off. Hansol normally got in before you did, as you took a later shift and worked until closing, which was normally at 11. He normally got home anywhere from 7 to 9, if you’d remembered correctly, and he never locked the door. That, you knew for sure. 

You couldn’t help it- you were always on him about taking better care of himself, and to lock the door when he was at home, especially alone, was one of the first things you’d tell him every day when you got home. You couldn’t help but worry about him, he worked almost relentlessly, and rarely got enough sleep to satisfy you. The fact that you didn’t know how much he ate, drank, or rested during the day certainly didn’t help, especially since you did know that he spent countless hours working during the time between 5:30 in the morning, when he gets to work, and whatever time he gets off.

You call his name as you slide your shoes and coat off, hanging your purse and said coat on a coat rack by the door. You try to straighten your posture and not look utterly exhausted when you hear his footsteps trudge towards you from the bedroom. A large smile plasters itself on your face in hopes he won’t notice, but you know good and well that no amount of concealer could hide the bags under your eyes. 

His arms wrap carefully around your waist, as if you’re a priceless glass figurine. He gently nuzzles his face into your hair, the cold tip of his nose pressing gently into the crook of your sensitive neck. You shudder, leaning back into him just enough to show your appreciation at the closeness, but not make him feel like he was holding your weight. 

He groans quietly and tightens his arms around you, forcing you to rest all of said weight on him. 

“It’s so late, baby. It’s so late.” He breaths against your neck. “I was getting worried. Why were you out until two? That’s three hours past when your shift ends. They can’t keep you that long.” 

You hum, trying to escape from his grasp because the last thing you want his him to be holding you up when you don’t even know how he holds himself up after so much work every day. 

“It’s Friday, Hansol. Hours vary on Fridays. We had a lot of customers today, i couldn’t get out. I’m responsible for closing up, you know this.” You smile when you finally work your way out of his grip, and turn to place a soft kiss to his cheek. 

He steps forward,  pressing you back against the wall and once again pressing himself close to you. His arms slide around your waist as he leans to press his face to your neck.  

“That’s not okay, baby. You can’t go to bed at three and wake up at six-thirty- i know you stay up hours on homework after you make sure i’m happy and asleep. And i know you don’t eat during or after work, so when do you eat? This isn’t healthy, i can’t just let you keep doing this.” He rants, warm breath brushing against your collarbone. 

You can feel how passionate he is about this just by how tightly he holds you to him. Sighing, you reach around him and gently start massaging his shoulders, in hopes your touch might calm him down a little bit. 

“I’m fine. I really don’t stay up too late, i have an hour of free time between school and work so i get some homework done then, and i eat in the same time. I get an apple or something before i leave, and sometimes i snack at work. Really, i’m okay. Just worry about yourself.” 

You didn’t mean it in a bad way, but you were just so tired that the insulting, untrusting, insensitive ways he might interpret your words just wasn’t a thought that crossed through your mind as you spoke. It took you a minute, as he sharply pulled away, to really process what you had said. But by then, the damage had been done. He stepped back. 

He didn’t touch you at all. He just stared at you, surprised and hurt. “Worry about myself? While you’re losing weight way too fast and can barely hold yourself up? Even now you’re leaning  You can’t hide all of this from me- i notice things, and i’m a good enough boyfriend to care about your health.” You can hear how hurt he is through his voice, but the burning anger laced in his tone is unmistakable. 

“Don’t get mad at me, Hansol, you know i didn’t mean it like that.” You breathe, reaching for his hand, but he doesn’t let you take it. 

“You said it, (Y/n), and there’s only one way you can mean that.” He says. “What kind of boyfriend doesn’t worry about their girlfriend? Is that who you want me to be? You want me to disregard your health and safety and just worry about my own? You want me to not be there for you? Because i’d rather not be a boyfriend than be that kind- so you just tell me what you want. Just like every in other relationship, we have to compromise, and my compromise is that if you want that kind of boyfriend you can go and find one because i’m not him and i’m not gonna be him.” 

You sigh, looking down at the floor. You know how passionate he can get about other people’s health- you’d seen it happen before, and you also know how much his emotions get amplified when he’s sleepy. You reach out for him once more while he isn’t paying attention, and he isn’t quick enough to fight you off. You wrap your arms around him tightly and bury your face into his chest. 

“Please don’t say that, baby.” You whisper reassuringly against his shirt. “I don’t want anyone but you. I’m just worried about you- fuck, please don’t say that you want me gone, you scare me.” 

He doesn’t reciprocate your touch, but he doesn’t push you away either. “You don’t need to worry about me, not when you’re so unhealthy.” His tone is sharp, and you can tell your hug isn’t working as you’d hoped it would. 

“I’m not as important as your career, Hansol. And your career takes a toll on your health, so please-” 

“(Y/N).” He snaps impatiently to shut you up, and it works. “Stop it. Nothing is more important to me than your health. I can’t focus at practice because i’m constantly terrified that you’re going to pass out at school or work and i’m not going to know because i’m an idol and we can’t tell people we’re together and no-one is going to know to call me. What will i do then? How could i possibly live with myself knowing i let something happen to you and wasn’t even there to help you through it afterwards? I just want you to be healthy and happy, but you refuse and it makes me wonder what i’ve done so wrong that you don’t care about yourself, but you’d make your situation far worse if it would give me even the smallest hint of a smile.” He rants, breaths speeding up as he gets angrier. 

You reach up beneath his shirt and rub his back gently. He unravels beneath your touch, and you can feel him leaning in closer to you. 

“You have done absolutely nothing wrong- don’t even think that. It’s my fault. But still, that’s not going to happen, Hansol. If it makes you feel better, i’ll try to take better care of myself. But please don’t affect how you work because of me. I don’t mean to worry you.” 

You hear him sigh, and he tilts your chin up so he can lean down and oh-so gently press his warm lips to yours. You let out a breath of relief against his lips in reply, tightening your arms around him. 

He keeps one hand cupping your cheek and his other travels to grasp your hip, but he kisses you softly to contrast it. Until suddenly- you guess he thought about something he didn’t like (or really did), because his whole demeanor changes. It’s like something snaps within him, and he has you pinned to the wall, one leg held up around his waist by his free hand as the his other remains softly cupping your face. His lips move fast and harsh against yours, sending new rushes of electricity jolting through your body whenever he moves even in the slightest. 

But as soon as it begins, it’s ended. You once again feel the change in his demeanor as his exhaustion takes over again, and his lips disconnect from yours to bury his face in your hair again. He mutters an apology and drops the hand on your cheek down to the back of your other thigh, using it to hoist you up. He wraps your legs around your waist and carries you back to your shared bed, quickly dropping you down on the sheets where he hadn’t bothered to make it back after getting up but before meeting you at the door.  A mix of tired and lazy, he doesn’t bother with pajamas. 

Instead, he tells you to lie there as he strips you to your bra and panties, then himself down to his boxers. He tugs his shirt down over your head and rolls you over a bit before collapsing in bed beside you. You don’t move, waiting for his arms to wrap around you- and it doesn’t take long. He tugs you into his frame quickly, rolling you over to look him in the eyes. 

Rough fingertips softly trace up and down your arm as he smiles tiredly at you. You return the look and nuzzle into him. 

“Go to sleep, baby. We have two days to rest up.” he breathes. “I love you.”

[alien-origins]

get to know me, pick some numbers.

since i wanted @kai-aaah to answer all of them i’m doing them too!!! so have fun reading about me! this is a lot ok and i’m sorry for not using big I’s and stuff i’m lazy i know how to spell i promise !!! enjoy 💞💖

1. selfie

you got 2 bc i love myself and the first is before i dyed my hair pink and i looked soft in it!!! the second is me casually 

2. what would you name your future kids? I honestly have no idea, I’ve always sucked at names and when writing short stories i have to look up like “top 1000 american names” and stuff like that. but i really want to name my future puppies nini, rice ball and macklemore :((

3. do you miss anyone? several actually, old friends from middle school I lost contact with, a girl in my class but she’s not a really good person so I’m better without her but I still liked being around her. Then there’s my grandma who’s been gone for a few years now and a friend that took his life this spring.

4. what are you looking forward to? moving away from home and start my life for real. i don’t feel at home or like i’m really alive when i’m at home now and i just want to do my thing! find my own path and so on!

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? kim jongin :((( when he smiles i smile omg my lil sunshine child i love him

6. is it hard for you to get over someone? i think yeah? bc i often overthink stuff i tend to miss old times and i still am getting over the fact i lost some really great friends along the way.

7. what was your life like last year?

i got close to nico, a girl in my class and it was nice because we clicked so well together as friends and she felt secure and i liked that. i liked to have someone that had the same hobbies and look in life. but she got a bf and honestly just stopped talking to me and it’d take weeks for her to reply and she stopped going to school, leaving me by myself and i hated being alone. so i broke things off with her.  i was in a relationship at the time but i was falling out of love but i was so scared of hurting her bc i still liked her, cared for her and i just wanted the best for her and i was not it. and it was not fair to lead her on so i had to break up with her even if i hated it. we’re friends still though so i’m glad.

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? all the time! I cry when I get overwhelmed with any emotion, I cry a lot in general.

9. who did you last see in person? my mom!

10. are you good at hiding your feelings? too good, I don’t think anyone really knows or has ever known how I feel. I’m also a skilled lier thanks to my parents.

11. are you listening to music right now? yeah i always am tbh my mom complains about it

12. what is something you want right now? summer and money

13. how do you feel right now? really stressed, i have a lot of school work to do before they set grades on all of us and i was sick for a week and now i have shot ton of presentations to do and work with i’m not ready.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? a month ago???? after meeting up with a guy i hooked up with for a coffee

15. personality description stereotypical aqua without all the drugs i’m a child of god!!!!!!(not at all really) I am the mom friend™, I am a soft little bun and I get scared by literally everything. petty is my middle name and i breathe drama. i want to say i’m pure but with the things i’ve done i’m not allowed into heaven. since my family don’t have that much money i always make sure that i can save as much as possible and i get annoyed when people throw around money and assume i can just do things and ask for money. i like girls and boys(but i still don’t know what’s sexuality i just like soft pretty ppl), like i usually say there’s just too much love in my lil heart!!!! i cry at least twice a week and I wear too big sweaters and shorts that show off half my butt and running shoes. also a lot of caps and chokers.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

a lot of times because of how i was raised and in the environment i was raised in i have troubles speaking about things like that and i bottle up a lot. a lot of things involve my dad or my mom but i’m scared of hurting my mom.

17. opinion on insecurities. i think my insecurities are affects from my past with anorexia and just society portraying a certain kind of look as an ideal that I can’t reach. like i’m constantly worried about how my body looks and some periods i’m full of confidence and love everything about me and some i consider fixing most things with surgery. i’m also bad at expressing emotions and i blame it on being an aqua!!!! i don’t talk much and i don’t like to voice my feelings. it results in a lot of relationships being a little rocky and it makes me insecure about myself.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago? yes and no. it was good then but so much happened during the summer and autumn that was really messy so no.

19. have you ever been to New York? no and idk if i want to go either really. i don’t see the appeal. 

20. what is your favourite song at the moment? 365 so fresh by tripple H 

21. age and birthday? 18 ; february 6th

22. description of crush. i don’t have a crush??? i crush on everyone that show me the slightest little spec of affection honestly 

23. fear(s) never leaving sweden and ending up living here with my husband, a dog and two kids in a villa somewhere in the outskirts of stockholm and going to the alps to ski and to thailand in the winter (literally what all middle class standard™ swedish families do). other than that i’m scared of ghosts and demons and there’s a specific picture that i get a panic attack from just looking at for a second. i hate loud noises and im scared of zombies, war, death, men, the dark, deep oceans, heights and so on. i have a lot of anxiety over death!!

24. height

5′2 when i put it in the cm to feet translation thing (160cm)

25. role model CL; she is a really strong and successful woman that I’ve looked up to since years back! I wrote a speech about her in english class when we were supposed to write about an artist we liked and I got an A on it so I hope she’s proud of me for that and for being myself and following my dreams! 

26. idol(s) exo ofc!! they together with f(x), 2ne1 and red velvet mean a lot to me and i love them hella !!

27. things i hate men, obviously all things bad that are wrong with our society like dictatorship/war/racism/sexism/homophobia but i don’t feel like listing it all up, my dad, cold and snow/ice, not knowing what’s going on in a situation or while planning something, being taken for granted, loud noises, avocado, being sick bc i can’t do yoga or go out on walks, spiders, my school mates and being stressed all the time.

28. i’ll love you if… you buy me fried chicken, you take me o watch the stars by the beach, you back hug me, you talk about astrology with me, you cuddle me!!!, you love me back, you love kim junmyeon, you play with my hair, you tell me about little things that remind me of you and if you take pictures of me spontaneously.

29. favourite film(s) devil wears prada, somewhere only we know, jurassic park(all of them), mean girls???

30. favourite tv show(s) gumball, steven universe, how i met your mother, fresh of the boat aaaand a swedish humour show called solsidan.

31. 3 random facts when i was 8 or 9 i tried to become a mermaid by cutting of some hair skin and a nail, put it in a lil bowl with water and my own blood!!! then put it out under the full moon.

i love cooking and baking and it makes me happy to be in the kitchen and try out new foods from other countries and throw things together that we have at home!

when i was in 6th grade and was out playing with my class (we invented our own game of tag and it was like the hunger games im telling you!! i still love it) and the snow was starting to melt as well. so by my school there was this little mountain/hill that was about 2-33m and not very steep plus there was snow on the ground underneath so me and my friend jumped down. but i got stuck with my foot in the snow and tripped, resulting in me scraping up my right knee rather badly and i have a scar there now.

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? I’d say it’s pretty equal but i levitate more towards girls, I just feel more comfortable around girls.

33. something you want to learn mandarin, I am technically learning it right now but at some point in life it’d be really neat to be fluent! If that doesn’t count I want to learn more about physics.

34. most embarrassing moment I don’t really have one because I think over what I do a lot so i rarely end up in embarrassing moments. but once when i was getting a chai at espresso house (a coffee shop in sweden) the barista said “have a good day” and i said “no thank you” because i thought he was talking about the receipt.

35. favourite subject i reeeeally love history! but we don’t have that anymore so i’d say textile design 3!

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? becoming a fashion designer and show at paris fashion week

buy my mom a nice car and a house on gotland where she can be in the summer and have it just for herself (hopefully she’s left dad by now as well and is happy and can do whatever she wishes to do without him weighting her down!)

seeing the world, my motto is “why live in a world you haven’t seen” and i hope i can see as much of it as possible! i want to move away from sweden and who knows where i end up.

37. favourite actor/actress shit idk i don’t have one???? 

38. favourite comedian(s) they’re all swedish so idk if i should list them up since even if you look it up it’ll all be in swedish plus swedish humor.

39. favourite sport(s) i don’t like watching sports but i’ve been practicing a few since i was a kid! soccer(i was a great goalie but i quit after 2 years when a girl took my spot and i got mad about it), basketball(i was never that great at it and quit after a year), badminton(my fav sport!!!! i was really great and i could have gone far with it but my anxiety stopped me so i quit after 3 years???), jujitsu (i got a green belt and i loved it but again my anxiety got in the way and i quit) and lastly ballet!!( i love ballet and dancing but due to some back issues i can’t do ballet and it sucks). in conclusion badminton is my fav sport!

40. favourite memory oh I guess it gotta be from 9th grade when I was in a exchange program with my french class. 

It was like a few days into my stay at her house in Auriol and my exchange student and I walked around in her neighborhood which was like mostly little houses, grape fields, mountains and long roads.

It was really beautiful just walking around and we talked about some deep stuff like politics and life while the sun was setting and I wore some shorts and a hoodie.

Also on the weekend when she her sister and mom took my down to the coast and took me sightseeing up on some mountains, small villages and then finished it off with 2-set lunch by the ocean!

in general my whole experience being and exchange student for that little week was amazing and france is absolutely beautiful and Angi whom I was staying with was really sweet!

41. relationship status single; i want to be in a relationship but i can’t commit 

42. favourite book(s) in order to live(yeonmi park) I don’t read a lot but this was the last thing i read and it’s really good and i think it’s a book everyone should read, it’s educational and can be a eye opener to what’s going on in the world.

43. favourite song ever this is so hard!!! i don’t really have one i think? i have too much love in my lil heart!!! but i guess it’s between russian roulette, she’s dreaming, free somebody and starlight !

44. age you get mistaken for either it’s like 16 or 20

45. how you found out about your idol i found out abt snsd and listened to gee and oh! and i was so hyped bc i was a really girly girl and it fit me perfectly and then i told a friend about it rather nervously and she was like “you should listen to real kpop” and showed me lolipop with 2ne1 and big bang and i was shook. it was the best thing i had ever heard!! i was with them from debut to them disbanding and i love them a lot, they mean a lot.

46. what my last text message says “yea fuck”

47. turn ons being manhandled, when ppl play with my hair, i get weak when ppl hold/caress my lower back also waist, Yifan, smart ppl, I have a weak spot behind/right under my ears, neat aesthetics and messy make out sessions

48. turn offs dirty talking in swedish, disrespect, non feminists, ugly eyebrows, ppl who are really drunk/high and ppl who are not fresh 

49. where i want to be right now on a beach or in a couch, the sun setting with a glass of wine cuddled up with someone who can be the big spoon and play mindlessly with my hair while we listen to some nice music and just enjoy ourselves.

50. favourite picture of your idol i love it so much :(((

51. starsign aquarius 

52. something i’m talented at embroidery! I want to get better though but I am working with it a lot so I hope I can get really really good and be recognized for it. 

53. 5 things that make me happy summer exo beaches/waves stars random small gifts

54. something thats worrying me at the moment my grades and my body. i work a lot and i have always been a good student but i had a mental breakdown last semester which resulted in depression and two journeys to the ER bc i was so stressed and my heart was feeling weird but there was nothing wrong with it but my mental health was rock bottom so i missed a lot and my assignments were really half assed which means even if i get A’s on the things i did this semester it doesn’t matter bc i will get like C’s in all subjects and it makes me worried. my body is still fucked up and the stress gave physical effects and my left shoulder is somewhat numb and it’s a little scary and sometimes things just don’t feel right.

55. tumblr friends i concider a lot of ppl my friends and it’s gonna be really awkward if you’re like “that hoe’s a stranger lol” pls be kind i’m very sensitive!!!! like if you interact with me once i consider you a friend and i love you i’m sorry it’s your own fault you ain’t escaping this now!!  @honeyixings @sassybookshelf @04gf @crownkingzyx @kai-aaah @princeksoo @joon420 @cuntykai @bulba-suho-r @swaggyt-enthusiast @potchanyoyo @bunmyun

56. favourite food(s) sushi, banh mi, pork buns, moules frittes, anything chicken, watermelon, cornflake fish, soups and salads with goat cheese

57. favourite animal(s) all!!!!  sheep, cats, dogs, rats, bunnies, birds!!!!

58. description of my best friend sweetest girl on the planet that deserves the world even though she doesn’t seem to have realized that yet. she’s clever and ambitious and she works so hard. she’s childish in a way that is lovable and i feel so happy around her and her hugs are gold worth! 

59. why i joined tumblr my sister got a blog and we were into anime back then and all she did was be on timblr so i got one too!

[bukxwskii]

THE FRONT BOTTOMS//03.12.16

OKay so I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now because seeing The Front Bottoms was probably one of the highlights of my life and i need to get this night down because im so scared parts of the night will slowly start to go from my memory and im sentimental lmao((I’m also failing english so you’re getting this as a just a list of things that made this night great sorrynotsorry))

okay for starters i looked hella good this day, had a sparkly top on, my hair in sick space buns and i just felt so confident with this new look it was so great

I’d been looking forwards to this gig for ages and i’ve wantted to see tfb for so so long 

it was a day after my mocks finished so it was such a relief and almost a celebration

It was at my favourite venue (kentish town O2 forum) and we ate cookies in the queue 

we met the nicest girl in the crowd and we spoke to her until the support act came on

we then met these other guys who were really nice too and quite jokes although they didnt actually like tfb and were just there for the support at Gnarwolves so we were with them/bumping into them every now again in the crowd during gnarwolves and then they left to go get high

I cant remember if we then met these other girls before gnarwolves too or before tfb, hence why im writing this all down because these are my fav memories and i dont wanna forget!! but anyway we got talking to these lovely girls(basically this was one of the friendliest crowds at a gig i have ever been to which is a big reason why this night was so great tbh) and they told me they’d been judging everyone and decided I had the best space buns which actually made me feel so so good about myself….FIve minutes later though and the music starts, someone crowd surfs over me and kicks my space buns out:// i guess it was too good to be true, typical eh?

Honestly i can remember the first support act, they were called Apologies, i have none but i cant actually remember their set. I guess no memories means it cant have been that bad tho??

Gnarwolves though were so sick, the crowd was so so mad and they put on a hell of a set. I’d listened to them before and knew who they were but only after i’d seen them live did i realise just how good these guys were and i would definitely see them again if i get the chance 

Every single second the front bottoms were on stage i had the biggest smile on my face, they were so so amazing and i actually love them and their music so much. Like not even just fangirling i have so much respect for this band and still dont understand why those guys we met didn’t stick around to see tfb

If i were to say the crowd was dead I’d be telling the biggest lie. For some reason I live for the feeling of near death, struggling to hold yourself up, having a lack of breath, being severely dehydrated and overheating, either being pressed up closer to someone than even thought possible or being in the pit throwing yours into and onto people left, right and centre in time to the music. Not to mention the surprise of suddenly having someone’s body part flung over you’re head from behind you and being expected to hold this person up when you can barely hold yourself up. To any non gig goer you wont understand and when i start to think about it i dont really either but theres something about being in these crowds which makes me feel happier than anywhere else in the world.

Having said that, and meaning it, during the encore some people had already started to leave and i wasnt bothered about being right at the front so for the last couple of songs i got myself a little space and danced and sung my heart out knowing full well i probably looked like the biggest twat going but i honestly didnt care in the slightest.

‘WITH TEARS IN MY EYES I BEGGED YOU TO STAY YOU SAID HEY MAN I LOVE YOU BUT NO FUCKING WAY’ Putting every last emotion and breath into sing/screaming this made me so unbelievably happy and one point me and this guy sung the hey man i love you part to each other and god singing to strangers in the crowd is probably on of the best feelings i cant explain it. 

Okay so these next bits werent actually at the gig but it was still that night so im counting it.

So me and my mate got on the tube absolutely buzzing and chatting away about the gig and this guy opposite us obviously realised we’d been to the same gig as him and he was listening to his music so he started humming and singing along and as it was the front bottoms we joined in singing and so he took his headphones out to play the music out loud and it was just quite jokes. also he was really drunk and basically invited us out with him but we had to get the train home

then on the way to the train station we stopped at a shop and got some grapes and water but let me tell you grapes are the best after gig snack like its soo refreshing.

we then got on the train home and oh my god this is my favourite train ride and favourite story to tell ever, basically me and my friend sat on one table of four and there was another one next to it with this drunk guy(Nick from Sevenoaks with a brussel sprouts christmas jumper) on and we were just happily sat with our grapes and cookies on the table still buzzing and this group of drunk people in their late 20′s probably came and sat on both tables(there was like 8 of them) and they were the funniest people and at first we were just kind of listening in to thier conversations and like laughing to ourselves but then one of the guys was like ‘omg do you guys have food!?’ so we were like yeah and passed over our grapes and cookies to them(bc sharing is caring) and that kind of made them start talking to us and it was so eventful like being the sober one you realise how much shit drunk people chat it’s so so funny and anyway we were talking to them for quite a while as i think we were all on the train together for like a good hour and somehow we got on to the subject of relationships and one of the girls asked Nick the one who was originally on the train if he had a girlfriend and he was like no so then they asked me and i said no to so they got the bright idea to set us up and they all were so excited and were like come on molly swap seats swap seats so i’d be opposite him and i was just there like nahhh and i kid you not they like dragged me up and made me move seats and then they put the grapes and cookies(which they’d pretty much ate all of) on the table in between us to make it ‘date like’ and then one of the guys went all speed dating mode and starting asking us both questions about us so we’d get to know each other and this may sound weird but trust me it was the funniest thing ever to happen. We also got them listening to tfb and we were all sat on the train listening to them so yeah that was a pretty fun train ride

So yeah that was the night I saw the front bottoms and even though it was the whole night that made this i cannot wait for the front bottoms to tour again and if you havent already….LISTEN TO THE FRONT BOTTOMS !!

[muchmoremarsh]

tw abuse, trauma, mothers, all that shit

it’s real Trauma Processing Hours dude, lemme wrote down a load of stuff that my mum has continuously done before doing something manipulative, emotionally abusive or getting physical because if i don’t it’s going to plague me like an infection that’s been growing this past week since camhs never bothered to actually, yknow, do their job

she will start to cry in this way which can be described as like a descent into madness, it’s not like sad crying more like hysterical toddler crying

she does like a fake scream ‘aaaaa’ like whisper, usually maybe after putting her hands on her face just after crying

she will either stare you down in silence with this really condescending face and shake her head and say ‘no’ or something and the. proceed to start ranting at you

she thinks other people’s- COMPLETELY normal behaviour, by the way- is somehow “very strange” “straaange” “odd/weird” and feels the need to comment on other people’s actions as if they directly affect her wellbeing in some manner when they...don’t? for example, she “sells” stuff online and when someone decides to cancel for an item she says “they are very strange”

washing dishes. i don’t even want to elaborate on this but every time i see anyone, especially her, washing dishes i just want to run to the hills

she will accuse you of being a “liar” in this very specific tone of voice.

i remember when i watched “goodnight mr tom” for the first time and when i watched the scene with the mother in it i started crying excessively like, from completley fine to just BROKEN from the way the mother acted because it was almost EXACTLY how my own mother acts and i can’t even type this without tearing up hooo boy

she says like “ooookayyyy, fineee” in a high pitched, annoyed voice when something goes even the slightest not her own way. also another thing is that she infantilises everyone wound her, and talks in CONTINUOUS baby talk, i haven’t known a fucking day where she won’t revert to the speech patterns of a toddler, CONSCIOUSLY may i add, and it annoys me to my CORE. sometimes i catch myself saying something in a tone of voice or mis-matching words like she would it makes me physically SICK.

she will criticise basiclly anything to you to her as if it is a personal attack, and even the slightest address of anything bad she may have done will be met with swearing or some kind of stated above action.

she just...expects everything to come to her and blames other people for her own mistakes and gets violent when her demands aren’t met

when she gets into fits of rage you can’t do anything because you really don’t know WHAT she is going to do. will she just continue crying? go out for a cigarette? start beating the shit out of me with her bare hands? threaten someone? start kicking? bitch i don’t know! you can’t do anything :)

she used to threaten to just throw all out stuff away and like...threaten to send me and my sis back to my dads but then make out she was the better parent while obviously being COMPLETELY the opposite of a better parent. she made us stay up like 3 hours having an argument over a CLOTHING TAG before. if you’re siblings you will argue a lot, and we did, mostly NOT helped by mother’s obviously amazing examples, but one day we were just like playing in our room together and we may have gotten a bit loud but she storms through the door and we scream in fear but she just stands in the doorway like “why are screaming????” oh sorry MOTHER DEAREST i thought you were going to pick one of us up by the leg and start beating us like a fucking rug or something, idk!

idk!!! i just don’t think it’s normal to needlessly YELL and antagonise your children for getting bored at the supermarket, threaten them and make them sit on the edge of your sofa with our hands on our heads all fucking evening until you thrust food in front of our faces (which you made us feel guilty bc oh you SLAVED away making that obviously VERY difficult to make tesco takeaway curry or bullshit sausage and beans or some fuckshit casserole made in the hot pot) and then making us continue sitting there with our hands on our head until we were sent to bed

or how about let’s continue making the most stupidest financial mistakes like randomly buying CRAP online and never selling it bc it is just crap like baby clothes and baby toys and random “bundles” of stuff that NOBODY wants, why all the baby stuff? she can’t let go that we’re not CHILDREN anymore, God help my younger brother, i want to see him so much more than i currently do, it’s really not healthy for him to be in the environment much longer.

she just hoards and hoards and you cant TELL her that she’s hoarding because she will snap and do all of the above things and get violent. she criticised others for being stuck in a state of poverty when the money spent on buying these “products” could be used to afford a better place to live, getting rid off stuff means a cleaner, healthier space but NO, full every possible piece of floor space with random clothes we found on ebay!

yes buying all this stuff, we have always been relatively poor, i know this, but it’s not like it can’t be improved? things did start to peak when she first moved but it just got progressively worse...and worse...and that leads to financial burdens so LETS BUY OUT A SHOP TO TRY AND SELL THE CRAP, but it’s still crap so nobody will buy it and let’s never make a profit!!! so we lose even more money so let’s steal money off your oldest child! i am DESPERATELY praying that my mother has no acsess to the money my grandma has left me.

anyway i started ranting but tldr my mother is a worst person and like despite how much she tries to manipulate me into loving her bc she is my mother, she has done nothing but confuse and abuse me and my siblings our entire life, she is unstable and makes me anxious, im glad i moved in with my dad, i have deep rooted and challenging psychological problems because of her behaviour which impacts my relationship with my stepmum, father as well as peers and ESPECIALLY authority figures on top of the fact i am autistic as well, so thanks mum. you giving your children the bare minimum is not interchangeable with a loving family home. you are abusive, fuck you.