#Unsure if I should tag jack since he's not like technically here but like that's his trident above them ���

[themintman]

that one "do you think we're friends in every universe" Dan and Tray post I made AGES ago but space dogified.. rubs my hands together like a cartoon villain

The drawing 👇👇 based on this one painting my friend sent me AGES ago to draw for a different au (mermal 🎉🐟) but uh. IT GOT TURNED INTO A TDM THING-

also the original post I made

[midsummer-semantics]

under the dancing lights

Small break while I do a million other things but here's *checks calendar* day 16 of @steddieangstyaugust.

Prompt: Halloween

Rating: Teen and Up

Tags: Underage Drinking, Cemeteries, Canon Complaint (question mark???), Ambiguous Ending

divider by @steddiecameraroll-graphics

He isn’t sure why he’s out here. It’s not like there’s anything left, anything calling him to action. The kids are old enough to trick-or-treat without supervision, Robin is with Vicky at a party he didn’t want to third-wheel to, and everyone else…

The point is, traipsing through Roane County cemetery on Halloween night seemed like a good idea when Steve is three Jack and Coke’s deep and unsure of where he fits into the regular world. He bought a dozen flowers on the way here just before the shop closed for the evening, like he couldn’t risk showing up to the cemetery empty-handed for some reason. 

Barb’s grave is overrun with flowers 365 days a year, three years running. Steve leaves several of the carnations in the bundle he carries at the tombstone, begging forgiveness as he does every few months. He hasn’t told Nancy what he does, even when he’s accompanied her a few times. He simply stays silent, lets Nancy grieve, and returns a few weeks later to replace the dead ones when no one is paying attention.

Next is Bob Newby, whom he didn’t know, but the kids did, so he drops a couple of flowers off out of perfunctory expectation.

Billy is the one of the hardest, his grave near Steve’s dad’s grandparents’ joint plot. He tends to spend a little more time here, aware of how the plot feels under his knees, remembering how Max looked as she lifted in the air under Vecna’s influence. Sometimes, Steve comes just to sit, to stare at Billy’s name and curse his existence, even if it brought him Max. Other times, Steve sits and talks, tells his rival how his step-sister is doing, how Steve learned to plant his feet, how regardless of what a piece of shit he was, no one deserved to deal with the bullshit the Upside Down had to offer. He leaves one flower out of obligation, but he doesn’t linger like he normally would.

He leaves a few at Chrissy’s grave, not just because she died, but because he knew her, even vaguely because she was a cheerleader while he was still on the basketball team. And because Eddie would want him to.

He flips off Jason’s grave as he passes it.

Three years — less than, technically— since the first death. Almost three years since Steve took Jonathan’s nail bat and made it his weapon of choice against the monsters that lurk beneath their feet. 

Over half a year since Max went into a coma that doctors — UD connected or otherwise — or Eleven haven't been able to wake her up from. 

Seven months since Eddie Munson was added to the list of people Steve couldn’t save.

The sun has dipped well past the treeline on the edges of the cemetery by the time he reaches Eddie’s grave. There’s no one else around, thankfully, but Steve knows it’s only a matter of time before some idiot high school kids make their way to the cemetery to get trashed and try to see a ghost or fuck near one of the graves. He should know, he was one of those idiot kids not too long ago.

There’s writing on Eddie’s headstone, scrawling letters spelling out MURDERER in red spray paint. One of the R’s is backward, Steve notes, rolling his eyes, a gesture that makes his vision swim a little. It’s not the worst thing that’s been blasted across the headstone since it was placed, but it’s by far the dumbest. He sets the remaining flowers down at his feet as he crouches to examine the writing closer. It’s dry, but it can’t have been there for more than a few days considering he was just here for Eddie’s birthday and had cleaned the last slur himself. He should have brought a bucket and brush instead of the stupid flowers, but he’s a little wobbly from the alcohol and the idea of going back to his car for any reason other than to go home and pass out alone sounds terrible. He’ll come back tomorrow and clean it, plus whatever gets done to it tonight probably. Maybe he should have brought his nail bat. Camped out next to Eddie’s grave and waited to see who exactly is doing it so he can make sure they know never to do it again.

Steve loses his precarious balance, falling back on his ass in the cold, damp grass with a soft “oof!” The flask in his back pocket digs into one cheek, and he shuffles around until he can extract it, then leans back on one hand while the other holds the cool metal.

“Probably stupid to drink more, but I doubt you’d give me shit about it,” Steve says to the grave, holding the flask up like he’s making a toast before closing his eyes and taking a swig. He actually hates whiskey, but it was all that was in the house since it’s his dad’s favorite, and beggars can’t be choosers.

Still, he coughs a bit as the straight liquor burns a path down his throat — he really should have brought some kind of chaser with him, but hindsight and all that — and then lays back on the grass as soon as it clears.

He keeps his eyes closed, breathing through the slight roil in his stomach, and imagines what it would be like if he simply sank into the ground beneath him. Not like if vines were to spring up and drag him under, but if he just slowly melted into the earth the way one feels like they’re melting on a really plush mattress.

It’s only a slight comfort that the grave he’s lying on is empty. Otherwise, his vision of being swallowed by the earth might come with the extra twist of Eddie’s hands dragging him down Evil Dead-style. 

He snorts to himself, his head lolling back and forth a bit. Eddie would have loved that reference, he knows it. He may not have known him for long before. . . before, but he’s sure of it regardless.

After a moment, he brings his hands up to rub the heels into his eyes, waiting until he sees stars before he opens them. The stars continue to blink for a few seconds as his eyes adjust to the inky black sky.

Wait.

No.

There are stars dancing. Little lights swaying to and fro in front of his face, with more popping up around him. He turns his head in awkward directions against the grass, knowing he’s getting foliage in his hair the whole time, watching as more blink to life.

He shuts his eyes again as he sits up, but when he reopens them, they’re still there. It’s too late in the year for fireflies, too cold this late at night at the end of October, and yet the lights dance regardless. 

“Whoa,” he breathes, feeling a distinct sense of deja vu to when he was blitzed out of his mind on Russian truth serum and staring at the ceiling of Starcourt.

One of the stars comes close to him, wisping against his cheek like a tickling feather before flying away. Another does it to his left arm where he’s holding himself up, another to his hip where his shirt has ridden up slightly under his windbreaker. Steve giggles uncontrollably as another brushes his forehead and he turns his head to follow them. There’s another, and another, and another, and as he reaches out to catch one—

“Having a good night, big boy?”

[emotionallyits2009]

deancas fic rec list!

hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :) 

Canonverse:

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!

lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.

Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.

Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.

home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.

Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.

Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.

Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010. 

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”

The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.

Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.

Alternate universe:

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The  professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on. 

Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.

[spencers-renaissance]

Rain is a Chance to be Touched Ch.15

if we cannot find the light, we will always make our own

Chapter Fourteen

This is the fifteenth chapter in my ongoing hotchreid fic! Please click here for the fic summary, full tags, trigger warnings, more information etc.

Last Chapter: Derek & Emily called Spencer for a consult, and with him off his antidepressants, things very quickly fell apart.

In This Chapter: Hotch & Penelope pick up the pieces.

tw: depression-related exhaustion, disordered thinking, reference to last chapter's breakdown, discussion of medication

Word Count: 4K

RCT Masterlist // Main Masterlist // Read on AO3

(Quick Note: A couple of chapters ago I referred to Spencer's psychiatrist by she/her pronouns, but I forgot that I assigned that character he/him pronouns wayyy back, so I've decided to go with that one. I just wanted to address that in case anyone else caught it like I did! I apologise for the mistake & any confusion it might have caused.)

AARON

"Find my hand in the darkness and if we cannot find the light, we will always make our own." — Tyler Knott Gregson

Aaron doesn’t fall asleep until well into the small hours of the morning, finally lulled into a cold dreamless sleep once he’s cried himself out. He keeps as quiet as he can, but he knows he won’t wake Spencer up anyway: he’s completely exhausted, and he’s out cold. It’s a small consolation, but he tries to take a small bit of comfort in knowing that his boyfriend is at least getting the rest he needs.

He wakes up only a couple of hours after he falls asleep, and despite feeling completely exhausted, he sets about the things he needs to do. The first thing he does is call Strauss to request a family day — thankfully, the bureau’s been a lot more understanding of his situation since Haley died — before texting Derek and telling him that he needs to take charge of the team if they get sent on a case. Then he calls Jess and asks if she can collect Jack from his sleepover at lunchtime and have him until the evening.

With the technicalities sorted out, he makes a phone call to Spencer's psychiatrist. At this point, if he has to drag him kicking and screaming, if Spencer never talks to him again, if it calls an irreparable rift in their relationship, it won’t get in the way of him getting Spencer the help he needs. After an emergency appointment for 11am is booked, he collapses onto the sofa and calls Penelope.

“Hotch? It’s not even 7am, is everything alright?”

Just hearing her voice, hearing someone ask if he’s okay, is enough to push him over the edge. “No,” he admits into the phone, not even trying to disguise the emotion in his voice.

“I’m on my way,” she says immediately, and he can hear a flurry of activity start up on the other end of the line. “What’s happened, Hotch?”

He breathes out shakily, running a hand down his face. The early morning sun, the bustling city below him, the bright apartment all seems so contrary to the current situation. “Spencer hit a breaking point last night,” he says shakily, unsure exactly how to word it. “Derek and Emily called him to consult on a case, and they were as brisk and focused as we all are when we’re working, but he’s out of practice; he’s not used to that way of doing things anymore. It triggered him and sent him into what I’m gonna guess was a panic attack? But honestly, Penelope… it looked like a breakdown.”

“Oh God,” she says quietly, and the sound of her exiting her apartment reassures Aaron a little.

“I had no idea how to handle it,” he says, dissolving into tears. “He locked himself in the bathroom and was literally tearing his hair out… there were clumps of hair all over the floor. He was screaming at me to leave, telling me he wasn’t good enough that he forgot his place? I had no idea what he was saying—”

Penelope interrupts him. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“Well, when I first found out about his depression, Spencer told me something about how he didn’t feel like he was good for anything except his brain and IQ, you know? He said that he wasn’t cut out for friendships or relationships and I’m pretty sure he called that his ‘place’. It’s stuck with me because of just how awful it sounded.”

“Fuck,” Aaron mutters, sniffing as a fresh wave of tears come to his eyes. “So Emily and Derek consulting him for their case triggered those thoughts again.”

“Sounds like it,” she agrees. “They’re gonna feel so guilty.”

Aaron knows she’s in a tricky situation: her girlfriend and close friend sending her best friend into a near-breakdown, and for a brief minute he feels guilty for roping her in before reminding himself that she wouldn’t be anywhere else if Spencer needed her.

“Yeah, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do about that,” he sighs. “I thought about not telling them, because Spencer doesn’t need everyone knowing about every step of his recovery; it’s personal, right? But more secrets between everyone… I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like a good idea. Especially not for something this serious.”

“We’ll figure it out together,” Penelope promises. “Look, I’m in my car now. I’ll be there in 10, okay?”

He sighs in relief. “Thanks, Penelope.”

They hang up and he drops his phone next to him before staring up at the ceiling for a minute, rubbing his temples. Forcing himself off the sofa, he considers putting the coffee machine on but he doesn’t want the sound of the bean grinder to wake Spencer up, so he settles for a cup of instant coffee instead, putting a slice of bread in the toaster as well.

By the time he’s finished his second slice, Penelope’s letting herself in.

“He’s still asleep?”

He nods, watching as she dumps her handbag on the armchair and walks further into the apartment. It’s always strange seeing her without her usual colourful outfits and makeup on, and although he’s gotten used to it in the past year as they’ve rallied around Spencer, sometimes it still reminds him of seeing her in her casual clothes for the first time when she got shot a couple of years ago.

“I’m just gonna grab some breakfast and a tea,” she says quietly, helping herself to everything in the kitchen as she always does. “You go and sit down, I’ll be over in a minute and we can discuss a game plan.”

He obeys, closing his eyes against the headache coming on, but it’s only a couple of minutes before Penelope’s sitting in the armchair opposite the sofa with a cup of chamomile tea and a slice of marmalade toast.

“Right, the first thing we need to tackle is convincing him to get back on his meds,” Penelope says seriously, keeping her voice low to avoid waking Spencer up.

He nods. “I know. I’ve made an emergency appointment with his psychiatrist for 11am, it’s just a case of a) getting him there and b) making him listen to him.”

“The problem is that he sees going back on medication as admitting defeat or failing at recovery. We need to have a really honest, frank conversation with him about it, but I just don’t know how we’re gonna get him to believe us.”

“Maybe we should use our own experiences? He doesn’t think any less of me or think I’m weak when I take pain medication when my injuries flare up. He wouldn’t think any less of you for accepting pain meds throughout your recovery after you were shot. He doesn’t think less of his mother because she relies on psychiatric medication.”

Penelope nods. “He has a twisted perception of himself. One rule for himself, another for everyone else.”

Something about her words makes Aaron feel suddenly, desperately sad. He’s always been sad for Spencer and what he’s gone through, and he’s been crying most of the night, but the realisation, the reassertion, of just how much Spencer hates himself, what his brain’s put him through over the last two years cuts deep, winding him.

“I just wish he could see himself the way we see him,” he says sadly, another tear spilling down his cheek, as though he has anything left to give.

Penelope’s expression tells him she feels the same.

Hotch goes in to check on Spencer as the clock approaches nine, and his heart breaks for the thousandth time when he finds him staring listlessly at the wall again.

“Morning, baby,” he says gently, making his way into the room.

Thankfully, it grabs Spencer’s attention, and he turns to look at him, misery and self-loathing written all over his face. He doesn’t say anything, but he holds eye contact with Aaron long enough for him to understand that it’s okay for him to be there, and he makes his way further into the room, climbing onto the bed. He’s not expecting Spencer to immediately latch onto him, burying his face in his t-shirt as he clings to him like he’s going somewhere, but that’s exactly what happens.

“Penelope’s in the living room,” he murmurs, carding his fingers through Spencer’s hair. There’s no expectation for him to reply, so he lets the words settle over them as they lay quietly together; the calm after the storm. Aaron hopes it won’t double as the before as well.

After a good couple of minutes, Spencer shifts, and Aaron follows his lead as they shuffle out of the bedroom towards Penelope’s contemplative perch on the sofa. Spencer heads straight towards her, curling into her side and drawing the warm comfort Penelope always has to offer.

“Oh, baby genius,” she whispers, kissing the top of his head. “You’re okay. We love you so much.”

It’s apparently the wrong thing to say, because Spencer immediately withdraws, curling in on himself as he starts to cry.

“Hey, hey, Spencer,” Aaron soothes calmly as he rushes over to his side, “what’s going on?”

Penelope starts to apologise but Aaron shakes his head and she settles for resting a gentle hand on his side instead.

“Can you tell us what’s wrong, Spencer?” Aaron asks, a knot forming in his stomach as he hopes against hope that this won’t turn into a repeat of last night. “We can’t help you unless you talk to us.”

Spencer takes a ragged breath in, turning his face slightly towards Aaron’s direction, and his chest clenches at the bags under his sore, red eyes; his pallid skin. “I’m sorry,” he says shakily, wiping at the tears on his face.

“You don’t have to apologise, Spencer. You just need to tell us how we can help you,” Penelope says gently, her hand rubbing small, consoling circles on his side.

Spencer meets his eyes, his face crumpling as he does and Aaron, in that moment, is reminded distinctly of a star collapsing in on itself. Spencer heaves a painful sob as two more tears spill down his cheeks. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

The admission seems obvious at surface level, but the magnitude of such a statement isn’t lost on either Aaron nor Penelope.

Aaron sighs sadly. “Come here, baby.” Spencer falls gladly into Aaron’s embrace, sobbing dejectedly into his shoulder, sounding so tired and defeated that it’s painful to listen to.

Once he’s finished crying himself out, Aaron and Penelope switch places, Aaron moving to sit on the sofa with Spencer propped up against him and Penelope settling into the armchair.

He approaches his next words carefully. “I’ve made an appointment for you to see Dr Parker at 11am. Penelope and I will take you, and we both think that you should talk to him about going back on the venlafaxine.”

To his surprise Spencer just nods tiredly, no longer crying and instead resuming his blank staring.

“And we also think you should consider talking to Derek and Emily about what happened yesterday,” Penelope suggests quietly, an encouraging expression on her face.

Spencer looks up at her, emotions flying across his face as he processes her words and how he feels about them. Briefly, he looks like he’s about to argue, about to shout or get mad, but he quickly deflates. “They’ll feel guilty,” he says miserably. “Not their fault.”

“Your relationships with everyone have come a long way, Spencer, and that’s great. But everyone is still fragile and affected by everything that’s happened in the past year, and keeping secrets like these is only going to hurt everyone more.”

Spencer’s still and silent for a moment before he nods reluctantly.

“I think that maybe,” Aaron ventures cautiously, “you should avoid doing any consulting work for a while. It’s clearly damaging for you and is always going to come with potential triggers, and when you’re already feeling sad and vulnerable, it’s really just a catalyst for an event like yesterday evening.”

Spencer nods at that, too, and Aaron wishes he could take his acquiescence as a win, but he knows it’s coming from a place of defeat and despair, and he’ll never take any consolation in that.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Aaron says. “We have about an hour until we need to leave, so why don’t we get you some food, get you into the shower, and then you can rest for any left over time? Does that sound okay?”

At Spencer’s agreement, Penelope heads to the kitchen to whip him up something a bit more nutritious than the toast they both settled for, while Aaron takes him to the bathroom to wash up.

“Are you alright on your own?” he asks as he sets the shower up for him, Spencer perching on the edge of the bath as he waits.

Instead of answering his question though, panic suddenly crosses Spencer’s face and he looks at Aaron urgently. “Jack!”

“Hey, it’s alright,” he says soothingly. “Jess is gonna pick him up from his sleepover at lunchtime and have him for the afternoon. I’ve taken a personal day and unless a case comes in, Penelope will be here for as long as we need her. Everything’s in hand.”

“But it’s Jack’s spring break! You should be spending time with him, not herding me into the shower—”

At the first sign of tears, Aaron is quick to step in, reassuring him as best he can. “Hey, I will spend time with him, alright? He was already going to be with Sam all morning, and he’ll be dropped off before dinner, so Jess is only going to have him for a couple of hours. And if you’re feeling well enough once we get back from the doctor’s, then he can come home early, but right now, your health is the most important thing we need to deal with, you hear me?”

Spencer nods reluctantly, but he can tell that the thought of cutting into Aaron’s time with Jack is only fuelling his self-loathing. Having to accept that there’s nothing he can do about that, he makes sure he’s okay in the shower before heading out into the kitchen to find Penelope.

“I can’t tell if that went well or not,” she says quietly, not looking up from the frying pan currently cooking eggs and bacon.

Aaron sighs, leaning against the counter top, his eyes fixed on the bathroom door. “I think it went about as well as it could.”

“I texted Emily and Derek, and they’re going to pop over this afternoon if we don’t get a case,” she says. “If Spencer’s not up for it, we can rearrange, but I thought it was better to be prepared.”

“No, you’re right, thank you for doing that, Penelope. What would I do without you?”

“Aw, stop it, bossman,” she says, grinning as she nudges him playfully.

He smiles. “I mean it.”

“I know. But I’m happy to help you guys out. I’d do anything for Spencer, and I know he’d do anything for me.”

“Without a doubt.”

Spencer emerges from the bathroom a few moments later, clad in a white t-shirt and some tracksuit bottoms Aaron is pretty sure are both actually his, damp curly hair a mess on his head. He can’t help but smile despite himself; his boyfriend looking so damn cute will always be a small pick-me-up on even the worst of days.

“Penelope’s cooked up a storm for you,” he says as brightly as the situation allows, guiding him to the sofa and tucking him in with a couple of blankets to get him as comfortable as possible.

He gets a small smile at that, and a murmured ‘thank you’ when Penelope brings him over a plate of bacon and eggs, arranged as perfectly as he’d expect with Penelope serving as cook.

He flicks the TV to the discovery channel, managing to catch the beginning of a documentary on big cats, and he counts it as a win when it catches Spencer’s attention, hoping it takes his mind off the pain he’s feeling just a little bit.

They spend the next forty minutes watching documentaries with Spencer before Penelope notices the time and begins herding them out the door towards the parking garage.

“No way,” Aaron laughs as she heads towards her car.

“What?”

“You are not driving, Penelope,” he says, laughing even more at her incredulous reaction. “I’ve seen you; you drive like a maniac. We’re taking my car.”

She pouts. “I hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Does this mean I have to sit in the back, too?”

He just levels her with a look that has her sighing dramatically and flinging herself into the backseat, but when he looks over at Spencer and sees a smile on his face, he’s suddenly even more thankful for Penelope.

They sit in the waiting room while Spencer has his appointment and try desperately not to make each other more anxious than they already feel. Penelope flicks through fashion magazines at a pace that tells Aaron she’s not reading a single word, and Aaron reads over and over the case notes he’d bought with him to pass the time, no more going in the second, third, eleventh time than it did the first.

Finally, though, Spencer emerges from Dr Parker’s office with a script in hand and they both sigh a small breath of relief at the idea that he’s finally getting the help he’s been needing so badly.

“Okay, baby?” he murmurs as Spencer reaches for his hand on the way out of the psychiatrist’s office, and something loosens in his chest when Spencer nods and smiles, looking happier and more relaxed than he has in weeks.

Derek and Emily come over just after lunchtime, and Penelope gets up to open the door for them, Spencer and Aaron not moving from their position on the couch, Spencer resting his head in Aaron’s lap as one of his favourite sci-fi movies is playing on the TV.

When he sees who it is, though, Spencer moves to sit up slightly, still keeping himself folded into Aaron’s side.

“Hey, Spence,” Emily says softly, taking a seat in the armchair while Penelope comes over to perch on the arm, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend, “what’s this about?”

Both Emily and Derek look confused enough that Aaron knows Spencer will be able to tell that neither he nor Penelope told them what happened last night, willing to give him a last minute out if that’s what he needs, as well as full control over the narrative.

Derek comes over to the sofa and sits next to Spencer, keeping enough distance between them to keep Spencer comfortable, though he still rests a warm hand on his ankle. “What’s going on? You can tell us anything, pretty boy, you know that.”

Spencer looks to Aaron, and the expression on his face conveys what he needs immediately.

“Yesterday, your consult with Spencer on the methanol poisoning case triggered an… event,” he explains, trying to choose his words carefully. He wants to tell the truth, but he also doesn’t want to sound like he’s blaming Derek and Emily or use language Spencer wouldn’t be happy with. “It was a breaking point of sorts and as such, he decided to go back on his medication.”

Relief tied up with confusion are the first emotions he watches play over Emily and Derek’s faces. Everyone’s been hoping Spencer will return to his medication, but he knows they’ll want more information as to what exactly happened and why they’ve been asked over.

“An event?” Emily asks, sounding a little hesitant.

Before Aaron can answer, Spencer speaks up, his voice a little tired and croaky but convicted nonetheless. “It was a breakdown,” he says plainly, not sugar-coating his words. “I was in a bad place already and I was out of practice with what a time sensitive case entails, and it sent me into a tailspin. It reminded me of all the feelings that working in the BAU caused that year, and I couldn’t handle it. I lashed out at Aaron and…”

“The details don’t matter,” Aaron rescues his tailed off sentence. “The fact is we thought that more secrets were only going to make things worse in the long run, and you needed to understand what happened last night since Spencer going back on his meds was bound to raise questions anyway.”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Spencer interjects, his voice anxious and urgent. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s just the way of the BAU and if I’d been on my medication like I should’ve been in the first place it wouldn’t have been a problem, it was just a horrible medley of circumstances. But I’ve decided that I won’t be doing any consults for a while until I can get my head on straight again. It may be that I’m never able to do them without being triggered, but we’re going to play it by ear.”

Aaron smiles at him proudly, kissing the top of his head as soon as he buries back in for a cuddle.

“Oh, Spence,” Emily sighs sadly. “I’m so sorry, we didn’t even think. We were so caught up in the case we didn’t even stop to consider you and how you’d interpret things.”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Spencer says again, this time from his place on Aaron’s chest. “I’m sorry that it had to be you guys that triggered the breaking point.”

“We should’ve been more considerate,” Derek says firmly, his expression filled with regret. “The last thing I’d ever want is to make you feel the way I did last year, and even though other circumstances contributed to what happened last night, we still failed you, kid, and I’m so sorry for that.”

“It’s fine, seriously. In a way, I’m glad it happened. Something had to give, and I’m glad that I can look forward to finally feeling normal again. I talked to my psychiatrist this morning and even though… it still feels a little bit like giving up, I feel better about it. And we’re gonna work on my attitude to medication in the next couple of sessions until I feel more comfortable about it.”

Aaron knows how much Spencer hates talking about his recovery, so it feels like a big step for him to be so personal and vulnerable in front of four different people, even if they are all virtually his family at this point.

“I’m proud of you, Spencer,” Emily says earnestly, and even though Aaron can tell she still feels guilty, at least it’s no longer the most dominant emotion on her face.

“Me too, kid. You’ve been through hell and back and we’re all so proud of you for getting to where you are.”

Spencer smiles gratefully, but Aaron can tell he’s exhausted from the events of the morning, so he sends a look to Penelope and she shows Emily and Derek out, but not before giving Emily a kiss and being teased by Derek for it.

“Right, baby,” he says as the apartment quietens and it’s just the three of them left. “I think you could do with a nap, don’t you?”

“Don’t wanna leave you,” Spencer mumbles tiredly, clinging to his t-shirt.

“Well how about I come and sit with you while you sleep, yeah? You go and get tucked in and I’ll be in in a minute, I promise.”

“You better.” It’s not much, but it’s the closest to teasing Spencer’s come in weeks, and he’ll absolutely take it.

He gives Penelope a warm hug and disappears into the bedroom.

“Looks like I can leave you to it,” Penelope says quietly as soon as the door’s closed behind him.

Aaron looks at her seriously, before wrapping her in a rare hug. “Thank you for today. I mean it. I don’t know what we would’ve done this past year without you, Penelope, but we sure as hell wouldn’t be where we are now. I’m always gonna be thankful that Spencer has someone as wonderful as you to call a best friend.”

“Hotch,” she says tearily, “I love you both so much. You don’t have to thank me, but it means a lot that you did.”

He smiles at her. “You should go back to the BAU. Go and find Derek and Emily who are no doubt beating themselves up and tell them they’re being ridiculous.”

She gives him a mock salute as she smiles back. “You got it, boss.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Keep me posted,” she says as she gathers the last of her things and heads to the door. “Let me know how he’s doing tonight and I’ll pop round after work to see him tomorrow, okay?”

“Perfect.”

As soon as she’s gone, he climbs into bed with Spencer and wraps him up in his arms, feeling — for the first time in weeks — a distinct conviction that everything is going to be okay.

Chapter Sixteen

Soooo, we don't hate me anymore? I really enjoyed writing this part of the fic, I'm such a sucker for third act angst and the resolution is always so satisfying to me, so I hope I managed to give you guys the same feeling. Only one more chapter to go, and then we're done wtf, how did that happen? I can't wait for you to all read the happy lil ending I wrote for you! See you next Saturday, for the very last time :( If this chapter has brought anything up for you and you're feeling unsafe please check out this link <3

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @marvel-ous-m @oliverbrnch @sbeno22 @aaron-hotchner187 @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @anxious-enby (add yourself to my taglist here!)

[neshabeingchildish]

Hensley & Char: Friends or Whatever || Part 6

I have to warn y’all, this chapter has some sadness in it. I tapped into 15 year old me and how I was trying to navigate what I thought back then was me being bi, which IF someone calls me bi, I am not opposed to the able, even being technically ace, but for that time and for my feelings/experience and the language I had access to, that’s what I was considering myself as, but nobody knew that (though I was rumored gay by several people in high school, despite never seeing me in any relationships and me only ever speaking about male crushes to others) LOL, yes, Mama used to have male crushes irl, when I was a kid. But, I tapped into some of myself, but made it more Charlotte-like and leaned on the gay. Idk how well it will or won’t resonate, but I hope that I at least did Charlotte justice in her experience with looking inward, though her results may be disappointing, I hope that they at least come across as realistic, if not relatable or understandable. @just-a-j-reallly @junknstu1f @henryharts I’m not in a rush for feedback, as I know everybody has things going on. Hopefully my tags work out. A lot of people never get notified of them.

Also, as a heads up, the next chapter, whenever that might come, might also be sad too. I’m so sorry. 

The Jasper Juxtaposition

They had been trying to get Jasper into the fold of their outfit for a while. Ray wasn’t having it. Even whenever Charlotte basically throw her pride into a burning bin, seeping with trash juice, to pretend that she was secretly dating Hensley, but that they couldn’t tell anyone because, “Charlotte’s not out of the closet.” At this point, Charlotte was very heavily debating this ruse. 

There was an element of “people shouldn’t lie/joke about being in the closet,” which she strongly and firmly believed in… But… She went along with it anyway, because as she did her backstory for this test on Jasper, she found that she comfortably created the guise. 

“I can say that I’ve been curious about my sexuality for a while, and seeing you out of the closet, living your best gay life inspired me to come to you for advice on how to navigate figuring it out and in the process, we fell for each other and started dating secretly.”

Hensley laughed in her face and said, “It’s Jasper, Char. You don’t have to say all of that. Just be like, “We’re gay together, Dude.” He’s gonna accept it and be super chill about it. I’m not convinced there’s a pile of homo rattling around in him, if we’re being honest. PLUS, he thinks we’re both hot. He’s gonna get a kick out of us kissing and stuff.”

“I’m not kissing you!” Charlotte squealed.

Hensley turned up her nose, “What? Ew. No! Of course not. Ugh. This incites disgust, to think of it.” She shook her head, “Kissing a straight girl… in the mouth? I don’t know where your mouth has been. On boys, probably. I don’t want boy kiss transfer.”

“You kissed Chloe all the time!” Charlotte argued, unsure of why that was her response instead of arguing that she didn’t want to kiss Hensley (and hadn’t been kissing any boys, unless you counted kissing Jack Swagawitz at camp… which… she didn’t), and furthermore…

“Chloe was different, though. I really liked her,” Hensley said.

“You went out with Bianca as soon as you had a window,” Charlotte muttered.

“You told me to go for it! What? Now, I gotta stop listening to my smarter half?”

They bickered up until the moment that Jasper came over for them to feed him the lie. Whoa, were they bad at lying together… Fortunately, it was Jasper. Who, Charlotte was very disturbed by his fascination with the thought of them kissing. “Jasper is fetishing us, and I don’t like it,” she told Hensley.

“He’s not fetishizing you. He’s fetishizing fake lesbian you. It’s different.”

“Yeah, but… He’s… fetishizing lesbians!”

“He’s a dude. Dudes do that,” Hensley said, waving a hand. Charlotte didn’t like that explanation and it was often Hensley’s excuse for a number of sexist and problematic things that happened on her watch. Maybe it was for the best that Jasper didn’t pass the test. Then she’d have a problematic Hensley, and ANOTHER problematic guy at work. Ray was alright. He was nice, enough, but he said stuff sometimes that made her uncomfortable and he didn’t really listen whenever she pointed these things out. (Something that she had no idea would get worse over time, but that’s another subject.

Currently, the subject is Jasper. 

It took a while before Jasper came on board with the team. It took a while before he was ready for this secret. From the time that Hensley and Charlotte “broke up” until then, there were a lot of adventures that Hensley and Char saw together that made them really close in a way that Charlotte and Jasper were not, and even that Jasper and Henry were not. And in a way, for Charlotte, it was a lot like the fabricated story that she had spun - their secret involvement and the connecting together that nobody knew about… Also, since then, she had really been thinking about how easy it was for her to think of that, and how… relatable it felt, how natural it was to even imagine herself, keeping that sort of secret because she couldn’t tell people that she maybe… well… she didn’t really think it was so much a maybe these days… liked girls. 

More specifically, she maybe (and this WAS still a maybe), liked Hensley. Her hopeless heroine who she helped on a daily basis, and loved being so close to, even when she complained and fussed at her about the things that she deserved to be fussed at about. She would probably NEVER let her live down almost getting killed by Jasper’s crazy ex girlfriend, and she was so tired of Hensley always coming to her to get her out of stuff that she warned her about prior to the decision - like when she tried to go to the dance with Chloe as Kid Danger and Bianca as herself… STUPID HENSLEY! Charlotte decided, right around Jasper Dunlop Day that she wasn’t doing this anymore. She was going to explore her options and see what felt right. 

She bought a project board, some cards, and a science journal and she set up, literally in her closet, a little experiment center. She decorated the board, and across the top, had lettered, “Am I Gay?” Her hypothesis?: “I might be gay.” Procedure: Well, she supposed, she had to talk to some people, go on some dates, maybe kiss somebody? She shuddered. The amount of germs in saliva was terrifying to her. In fact, whenever she kissed Jack, she had threatened, “If you slip me any tongue, I’ll slip my fist right into your ribcage!” Needless to say, he slipped her no tongue.

But, her “experimentation phase” generally was not very successful for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost… meeting people? She wasn’t a fan. She joined the Student Council as a means to help her with a bit of self diagnosed social anxiety, but cared a lot about issues, so that she genuinely stayed in it to do community stuff and be a helpful member of the club. She met cool people, too! It was one of her things away from Hensley and away from Jasper, and wasn’t primarily academic, so she held it close to her heart as something for herself and decided against using it, and the fine people she met in it as lab rats for her orientation exploration.

Then, there was the little problem of personal space and unnecessary touching. There were very few people that she allowed into her bubble. Her parents, Uncle Roscoe, Hensley, Jasper, Piper, and Ray, and even with Ray, she tensed up for the longest time whenever he entered her bubble without warning. Even with that select amount of people who could be in her bubble, the only people that could casually touch her were her parents and Hensley. Sometimes Piper, but Piper had the respect to not touch her for no good reason. Unlike Hensley, who she simply had to get used to the fact that the girl was simply GOING TO just stand close, throw her arm around her, hug her, pick her up, play with her hair, tug on her backpack, or whatever she felt like doing at the time, and saying, “You should get permission before touching people,” just became background noise for Hensley, after a while, so Charlotte simply stopped saying it and adjusted. 

Jasper still sometimes got elbowed. It just wasn’t the same thing when a dude just touched you casually, she had initially thought. Maybe that wasn’t it at all and she just didn’t mind girls touching her as much, because she liked them? But… in order to figure that out, she’d have to let people in her bubble and let people casually touch her and see how she felt about it. 

So often, when it looked like somebody was getting too close, she stepped away, creating the distance of comfort for her and also, very clearly letting them see where it was. To the point that everybody who knew her knew not to get too close and everybody in her extracurriculars always did stuff like, “Hey Charlotte, I’m gonna take this lint off of you, okay?” (to which, she’d tell them to show her where it was and get it herself) or “Hi, Charlotte, do you mind if I sit here, or is that too close for you?”(To which she’d tell them to go ahead, but she’d move over more). She’d have to start telling people that being near her was okay, if she wanted to see her reactions to boys and girls and others in her proximity… And nowadays, they didn’t even ask anymore.

Even Mitch Bilsky would take one look at her and say, “UGH. The only space is by the queen of “don’t stand so close to me?” He’d then still do it, and even purposefully make her squirm, but she would resolve to ignore him and he’d get bored and move along.

But, she didn’t have very many times to test this out, and had to eventually rule out trying to get close to people (or let them get close to her) to see if she might feel a little flutter or not. 

Lastly, in addition to not being a people person and not wanting anybody in her personal space, The Man Cave was a whole ass full time job to maintain. She began to wonder what happened to people who previously worked for Ray/Captain Man? Even the ones that were there when she got there, and ones that would pop in and out for little assignments… after a while, she just didn’t see them, and she either was assigned their jobs, or took it upon herself to do them for worry of things going terribly wrong if she didn’t. Things went wrong in general, and she often felt like if she didn’t step in whenever she did, they could be downright disastrous. This job basically became her life. She never signed up for another marathon after dropping out whenever she thought the Super Volcano would kill them. She still had StuCo, but that was school related and when push came to shove, she only forsook the Man Cave for educational purposes, unless it was an extreme emergency.

In fact, she completely gave up on testing it all out and just let it bother her beneath the surface. Her conclusion: I’m more confused than ever, but technically… going to consider myself in the closet.

Imagine if I was as comfortable with myself as Jasper is…

You couldn’t tell that boy nothing. He protested stupid Swellview laws, jumped into hero mode to get his own hero day, wore belly shirts to everyone’s chagrin, was willing to go to tremendous lengths - sometimes extremely embarrassing ones - to get girls, and he overshared weird facts about his body with great excitement that just let you know that he adored these things about himself… 

She couldn’t even with certainty say that she MIGHT like girls, which, she was sure that she absolutely did, but she could hardly admit it to herself, much less out loud. What if it hurt her? What if it affected how she was seen by people on college boards or in the job field, once she left Swellview. Sure… there were YEARS before this happened, but Charlotte had been thinking ahead since she was small, and the moment she felt an inkling that her feelings may be… counterculture, she began to research related laws and statistics. 

Swellview didn’t have a big Black population. In fact, the demographics indicated that there were a lot more lgbt citizens than there were people who weren’t white, period. So, in Swellview, perhaps it wouldn’t be anything to be open about her sexuality… but… what if it was different for her, like a lot of things were. It was often different for her as a girl to be accepted in some spaces, to be listened to, to be respected. And it was frequently double different for her as a Black girl. Even the “good” people made her feel things that she often didn’t want to complain about, because they ALREADY thought she was an angry girl, when she couldn’t think of very many instances in which her anger was not justified. Research told her that was a common issue for Black girls and women. She didn’t have enough around her to touch base with, and was frustrated that she had to consider all of these intersections to even consider whether she would be free enough to have a sexual identity. 

Even with her academic record, immaculate articulation, and non-threatening appearance, Charlotte didn’t have many friends and didn’t have the best reputation. She was a nerd, but also, unfriendly. A Black girl in a male dominant world, in a white dominant city, and to possibly also be gay… she just… she couldn’t just toss that out there and have it attached to her name without knowing, and she felt like a coward for feeling like that. 

What would be the big deal, Charlotte? If that’s who you are… what would be so wrong about that? People be gay all over Swellview… but then again… everyday, she would see people be able to freely do things that she previously thought she WOULD never do, but as she got older realized that she wouldn’t do certain things, because she COULD never do them… not without possibly losing something. Chances? Respect? Heck, in certain areas of the world, her life. But, thinking this hard about it and not coming up with anything to push her to believe that she was indeed a straight girl, despite all of the reasons that it would be SO easy, and she loved easy things, despite her knack for tackling hard things. Why wouldn’t she just accept that she was straight, if that would make all of this anguish and confusion go away? She could just tell herself that she was straight and get it over with and move on… IF she was indeed straight. And if she wasn’t, no matter how much “experimentation” and hypothesizing she did, nothing would make her feel those feelings that she sometimes felt around Hensley, for some boy. 

So… She just sat with it. In her closet. She didn’t experiment and she didn’t hypothesize. But, in her science journal that she had previously been writing all of these things in, she scratched out her conclusion and wrote. 

Conclusion: I’m gay. 

But, she tore the page out and wadded it up. Then, she felt bad, straightened it back out, and slid it back into it's space. She tucked her cards into it and stuffed it into a lock box where she kept keepsakes and stuff, locked it in and got rid of her project board in the Junk n Stuff dumpster. 

She had been handling Kid Danger’s secret for a couple of years now and planned to hold on to it forever. She had time to figure out what to do with her own.

Besides… by the time Jasper got in on the secret… Things changed a lot, anyway.

[kellanved-ammanas]

SpyDad Birthday

A request from @nibs-stuff (it won’t let me tag them :/) Happy Birthday!

*

Spy’s birthday was a week away and Scout still hadn’t figured out what to get him. Last year, unsure of what Spy liked, he’d gotten him a fancy looking knife sharpener. It was practical since he had so many knives that probably needed sharpening sometimes. But purely practical gifts were only acceptable for people who weren’t close friends or family. This year he had to get him something personal. Coming up with a good idea for that that Spy would also be happy to receive was a lot harder than it seemed it should be.

Spy wasn’t the kind of person who liked sporting events or concerts so tickets for one or both of those things wouldn’t do. He liked books and reading but the books he liked were all big fancy ones, novels and such, most of them were in French too. Scout’s tendency to mix up words and letters made shopping for books difficult and stressful and also meant he’d have a hard time figuring out what kind of novels Spy liked which made it even harder to pick out a book for him. So that was essentially off the table as well.

Scout could draw him a picture like he did for his mom every year on her birthday. But as he sat at his desk in his room staring at the blank piece of paper laid out before him, he was faced with essentially the same problem; what kind of picture would Spy enjoy receiving as a gift? He was already an artist in his own right, a painter, what could Scout possibly draw him that he couldn’t just paint for himself?

With a groan, Scout put his pencil down before he chewed through the eraser and stood up to leave his room. His mind tended to work a bit better when he was out running or just walking around. So he’d go for a wonder around the base in hopes of enlightenment striking him even if that was unlikely.

Normally when faced with a problem he didn’t know the answer to, he asked Spy – he’d done that even before finding out Spy was his dad because Spy was the oldest on the team and therefore the wisest – that wasn’t an option here though. Well, technically it was, but asking someone what they wanted for their birthday and then getting them that exact thing, ruined the surprise. While a lot of people didn’t care about the surprise, Scout did, a gift meant more to a person when they weren’t expecting it/didn’t know what it would be beforehand.

Maybe he could just bake Spy a birthday cake? But… his baking skills were less than good and he’d only just gotten back his rights to use the oven again after almost burning it down a few months ago in a failed attempt at making a casserole recipe one of his brothers had sent him. So yet another dead end. Ugh, why did Spy have to be so difficult to get gifts for?

Scout wondered into the kitchen to get a snack. Engie was in there, making coffee despite the fact it was in the middle of the afternoon. It was perfect timing though, he was also wise and knowledgeable about lots of stuff, right?

“Yo Engie,” Scout said loud enough to make Engie jump and turn around. “You have or have had a dad, right? What kind of gifts did you or do you get him for his birthday?”

Engie let out a breath as he relaxed. “My dad’s dead, even before then we kind of lost touch for a while. Back when I did get him gifts though, it was always something I made, little machines that did various things.”

“Oh.” That didn’t help at all. If anything, that made it harder. Scout had already considered drawing something which would be a good gift if he had even an inkling of an idea on what to draw.

“I take it you’re having trouble deciding what to get Spy for his birthday, right?”

“Yeah. Got any ideas?”

“Nope, sorry.” Engie shrugged. “Demo somehow convinced me and Medic to get him some butt-ugly sweaters we came across in town a couple days ago. I doubt you want to get him something like that.”

“Yeah, no.” Scout would normally be all for getting Spy a joke gift but that wouldn’t feel right when this was the first of Spy’s birthdays that Scout knew he was his dad. Also, only getting him a joke gift would be rude, he’d have to get him a real one too, putting him back at square one regardless.

“I’m sure whatever you end up getting him, he’ll like. So, don’t worry about it too much, kay?” Engie patted Scout on the arm.

“I’ll try not to.” But how could Scout not worry about something so important?

-

In the end, he almost ended up calling his mom to ask her what to get Spy. But she wasn’t even aware yet that he’d found his dad – he hadn’t found a good opportunity to tell her, it was a bit of a difficult topic – and while the topic didn’t ever come up everything Scout had gathered about the situation pointed heavily to Spy and her no longer being together. So, she might not be too pleased to be asked such a question.

But considering making such a call did give him an idea. It maybe wasn’t a good idea but he was out of time to buy anything or work on anything else. So he just decided to go with it and hope Engie was right when he’d said Spy would like it no matter what. Because of how late he was in deciding he ended up staying up late into the night working on it and his hand was cramped up by the time he’d finished drawing it. Luckily, it was the weekend, meaning there was no battle the next day.

Despite having stayed up past midnight, Scout still woke up at the same time. Leaving him feeling sleepy but not in a way that meant he could go back to sleep any time soon. So he flopped out of bed and looked over his drawing again.

It was a portrait of Spy and Scout, Spy standing behind Scout with his hands on his shoulders similar to lots of pictures Scout had seen of his friends or brothers with their fathers. Scout had made no strong attempt at making it look realistic, embracing an almost cartoony style. He’d drawn his mom a similar portrait of her some years back when he’d been struggling on what to get her for her birthday – it had started the trend of him drawing her something every year – and she’d loved it. She’d had it framed and hung it up on her wall even.

Would Spy like it though? Scout had drawn him looking happy, maybe even proud. If it wasn’t for the ski mask they’d have looked like a perfectly normal and happy father/son duo. How would Spy react to that? The longer Scout stared at it the surer he became that Spy would be displeased by it. But… it was too late to draw or do anything else. So with a grimace he picked it up and put it between two cardboard pieces to keep it from bending before quickly wrapping it. If Spy didn’t like it, he’d just… claim it was a joke about how they weren’t a normal loving family, and that there was no way he actually wanted that to be a reality.

He ended up delaying and dilly-dallying around, even avoiding Spy, until it was evening and well, if he stalled any longer it’d be too late. So, telling himself to man up and get through it already, he got the gift from his room and went to Spy’s door. He didn’t let himself hesitate before knocking.

Spy answered it a few seconds later. “Good afternoon Scout,” he said as he let Scout enter, closing and locking the door behind him.

“Hey Dad,” Scout replied with a grin even though he didn’t really feel like grinning right now. “Happy Birthday!”

Spy sighed as he settled back in his chair. “I was hoping you’d forgotten.”

“What? Why?” Scout forced himself to sit on the other side of the tea table.

“Just because.”

“Well uh… I didn’t forget and I got you a gift.” He held it out towards Spy as if he were nothing but proud of it.

“Well, it can’t possibly be worse than those hideous pathetic excuses for sweaters some of the others got me. Thank you.” He accepted it with his usual snobby grace that was more comical these days than anything else.

Scout forced himself to sit still and not fidget as Spy opened it. Spy tossed the wad of wrapping paper expertly into the trashcan before using his knife to cut the tape holding the cardboard pieces together. He placed the top one on the table and picked up the paper, flipping it around so he could see the picture on it.

He went rigid as he looked down at it. His mask combined with the angle of his face made his expression impossible to read. Meaning Scout had no way of knowing if he was pleased or insulted by the drawing. And he wasn’t looking up or saying anything so…

“You like it?” Scout asked, going for a neutral tone and posture as if Spy’s opinion didn’t matter to him one way or the other. It did though, more than he wanted to admit even to himself.

Spy looked up at him. “Yes, I like it very much Jeremy, thank you.” The use of Scout’s real name meant he was being completely honest and serious.

Scout almost let out a sigh of relief. “Good uh… I worked real hard on it and stuff you know.” He’d put more of himself into it than he’d initially intended to. “So is my gift your favourite or did someone else get you something better?” That was one way of asking how much he’d liked it. “I need to know if I should step my game up for next year or not.”

Spy rolled his eyes but he was smiling. “Your gift is my favourite.”

“Sweet.” Scout lifted a fist in victory. Why had he even been so worried?

Spy looked down at the picture again and ran his hand lightly over it. “Honestly, this kind of thing was the last thing I’d expect from you.”

“What? I’ve never gotten you a joke gift for your birthday. It’s only on Christmas that I do that. I do have some morals.” Birthdays were individual and special; prank gifts were allowed but only if there was also a real gift too.

Spy frowned at him. “That jack-in-a-box you got me two years ago wasn’t a joke gift? Really?”

“The little guy in it had ski mask and a little suit, it was like a mini version of you. It even had a little knife.” A butcher’s knife since it was supposed to be scary but still close enough. “So yes, I still stand by it being a well thought out gift.” They’d only known each other for a short time back then too so Scout hadn’t known Spy would find it annoying, he had suspected though but that didn’t need to be said. “I had nothing but good intentions when giving it to you, I know if there was a jack-in-the-box with a mini me in it, I’d love to receive it as a gift.”

“Well, I know what to get you for your birthday then.”

“Good.” Scout would honestly be pleased with that. “You still have that jack-in-the-box though? Or did you throw it out?” Probably the latter if Scout had to guess.

“I still have it.” Spy admitted with a sigh, sounding as if he were admitting to something shameful instead of heartwarming. He’d kept a gift Scout had given him even though he hadn’t liked it. “But…” Spy looked down at the picture Scout had drawn of them again. “This not being a joke gift wasn’t what I meant.”

“What did you mean then?”

“I meant I didn’t know you… saw me like this.” He gestured to the paper in his hand.

“What? Like… as my dad? ‘Cause like you are and stuff. We’re not a normal family but… we’re still family.” Perhaps even a loving family. Saying that out loud would be tantamount to walking through a brick wall though. “So, that’s how I drew us. I drew Mom a similar picture once a while ago and she loved it so… I thought maybe you’d like it to.” He shrugged as if it weren’t a big deal.

“Yeah, she would like something like this.” Spy sighed sadly before looking at Scout again. “Thank you, really, I… appreciate this.”

“Well… you’re very welcome. I worked hard on it.” And was proud of it, especially considering the reaction it had got. It was the perfect gift, he’d done a good job on it.

[aweirdkindofyellow]

Here I Am, There You Are Pt. 6

Jack Barakat x OC ‘Rachel has been best friends with Alex, Jack, Rian, and Zack since high school. What happens when one of them gets married?’

Part 6

Once nine o’clock came rolling around, I was leaving a taxi with a duffle bag hanging from my shoulder and my handbag awkwardly balancing on top of the duffle bag’s strap. Honestly, I felt like a teenager leaving my best friend’s house after a sleepover. Only, I was much older than a teenager, and I was coming back from work. Although, you could technically say that I was going to go to a sleepover.

Other than being late, work also left me in an inappropriate outfit for the situation. First of all, heels. Completely open heels. They were okay for sitting in meetings for an entire day, but not for what was to come. Along with those heels I was wearing some dark blue high waisted dress pants. The shirt wasn’t too bad, it was a white t-shirt, but I was also wearing a blazer that matched with the pants. It truly was the perfect outfit for work, which meant it was the worst outfit for a concert.

Music was already booming from inside the venue. The queue outside was already long gone, the only people still outside only being there to clean up the trash that people had left behind. I rolled my eyes, remembering the many times I would freak out on the guys when they left their trash outside when we were waiting to get into a concert back in high school. But, hey, what can you do. Nobody wants to lose their spot to go to the bin.

I went to the back entrance to find nothing but a closed door. Originally, there was going to be somebody waiting to greet me and take me inside, but once again I was way too late for that. Everybody was busy doing their jobs. I was going to have to call Jack so either he could let me in or he could find somebody else to let me in. But my phone was somewhere at the bottom of my bag, so it was a real struggle. Before I started swearing and getting too annoyed, I happened to notice somebody in the hallway inside through the small window at eye-height in the door.

I knocked on the window loudly and waved to get her attention. She looked up at me and I recognised her as the first supporting act’s lead singer. At first, she looked very confused, but I beckoned for her to come over, hoping I wasn’t coming over as too creepy. Luckily, she came over and opened the door, but she did the right thing not opening it too far and letting me in.

“Hi?” She said with much confusion.

“Hi,” I sighed in relief. “I’m sorry, I promise I’m not a crazy fan trying to get backstage. I’m Jack’s girlfriend.” She continued to stare at me, making me realise that ‘Jack’ could literally be anybody. I quickly clarified, “Jack Barakat.”

“Oh, umm…” She still seemed skeptical and glanced inside to see if there was anybody who could help her, but nobody was there.

“You have no reason to believe me,” I said to show I knew and understood her fear. “I’d call him, but I literally can’t find my phone right now. I could… umm… you could check his instagram? I’m on there.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll check.” She pulled out her phone from her back pocket.

I apologised when she unlocked it and opened the app. She searched for Jack’s profile and tapped on it before scrolling through the images. We went past many images, making my case look very bad. I could tell she didn’t really believe me anymore, if she ever did. Even I would have doubted myself. But then she happened to scroll past a post Jack had put up on our anniversary, which was also Alex’s and Lisa’s anniversary. We were very unsure about posting anything on that day, not wanting to take away from their special day, but they said it didn’t matter.

“Hang on. There!” I exclaimed with a bit too much excitement, making her go back to the post.

“That’s you?” She still seemed unconvinced as she zoomed into the photo.

“Yeah,” I nodded, knowing it wasn’t an all too great photo since it was from quite a distance and my hair was a lot longer. “I should be tagged in it. If not, he’s got some explaining to do.”

But, when she tapped on the photo, my username popped up. She tapped on it and opened my profile. There, it looked a lot more like me. I also had a few more photos with Jack posted on mine than Jack had on his of me. The only reason I didn’t tell her to go to my profile first was because I could have easily taken them at some meet and greet or used some amazing photoshop skills, which both weren’t the case, but still.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” she apologised when she realised I was telling the truth and nothing but the truth, and let me in.

“No, it’s cool. Better safe than sorry. I could have been a fan with an elaborate plan,” I told her.

“Okay, well, I’ve got to go into the opposite direction, but All Time Low’s dressing room is just down the hall, to the right, and then three doors down. There’s also signs when you go to the right, so don’t worry too much about finding your way around.”

I thanked her and we parted ways. Although I could remember the directions she gave me, I followed the signs all the way to the dressing room. The boys were getting ready to play their shows. They all had their clothes on and were busy getting their in-ear monitors ready. It was only half an hour until they had to be on stage.

“Hey, it’s Rachel!” Alex was the first to notice me enter the doorway.

Jack immediately perked up and looked up over Zack’s shoulder, who he was helping with the in-ear monitors.

“Hey, guys, I’m so sorry I’m so awfully late,” I apologised despite the fact that I knew I hadn’t inconvenienced them and had kept Jack up to date through brief texts. “I’m just going to go change and let you guys finish what you’re doing.”

“Wait,” Jack stopped me, his hands still on the Zack’s jean’s waistband to attach the box. “Have you had dinner yet?”

Originally, Jack and I were going to go out for dinner together. He had made reservations and everything. It would have meant that we would have missed the first support act, but we would have been back way sooner than I came. However, that plan obviously fell through. Instead, he went and had that dinner with Rian because it would have been a waste of a reservation otherwise.

“No, I haven’t had time to even think about food today. But I have...” I shook my head and looked into my handbag. I had brought a lunch with me to work and was assuming that I had brought it with me. But I had left it in the fridge at work. “… a mini KitKat. I’ll be fine.”

After that, I slipped into the bathroom and stripped off the clothes I had been wearing for over twelve hours. Now was my time to put on a concert-ready outfit, or also known to me as some normal clothing. I pulled on my ripped blue jeans and a dark gray t-shirt before discarding my heels for some black vans. There was no real reason to dress up or think too much about it. Next, I brushed my hair, deciding it was too messy and putting it up in a ponytail, and then just took off all my makeup. My skin needed to breathe. I tried to be as quick as possible, knowing that it was only a matter of time until they had to move to the stage.

When I came back into the dressing room, the boys were done with helping each other. They were now playing some loud music through their large speakers. Alex was doing his silly dancing, Rian was sitting on one of the couches tapping along to the music, and Zack felt the need to do some pushups. And Jack? Well, Jack was stood at the microwave pulling out a styrofoam box.

He grabbed a fork from a container and made his way over to me, giving it all to me. “Here, eat this. I was keeping it for myself for later, but you need it more.”

I opened the take-away box and saw some delicious looking pasta from the restaurant we were supposed to go to. “Thank you.” I quickly pecked him on the lips before digging in.

“Ugh,” Alex groaned in disgust. I looked at him to see his scrunched up nose and dirty look was directed at me and Jack.

“What? Can’t deal with a little minor PDA?” I commented while still eating my pasta.

“No, I can deal with it, but you guys…” he visibly shivered on purpose and pulled the same face again. “I’m used to you acting all close, you even did that back in high school. But you guys kissing and knowing you guys– you guys– It’s like knowing my parents–” He added a faking gagging noise.

“Well, deal with it,” Jack retorted and wrapped and arm around my waist for emphasis. “She’s here for a week and I’m going to be making sweet sweet love to her.”

“Sweet sweet love,” I repeated in a singsong voice just to watch Alex squirm.

“You guys disgust me. Keep that out of my face,” Alex said sternly, but I could tell he was just joking. He liked me and Jack together, he had made that clear many times before.

I continued to stuff the pasta into my mouth to try and finish it on time. It wasn’t long until they were going to go side stage. I didn’t want to bring it with me, but I did want to finish it. Although I wasn’t hungry before, one bite rejigged my stomach and it started sending messages to my brain again to eat. Once I finished it, I put it to the side and remembered one last thing I wanted to wear to hide the mess that was my hair.

I pulled out a black baseball cap with a logo on the front of it and showed it to Jack. “You might not remember this, but I stole this from you.”

“Really?” He took it out of my hands and inspected it with a frown. I could see him trying to imagine the rack he had in his closet for all his caps to see where it could be missing from. “Are you sure?”

“Blink concert, summer 2005,” I stated, but he still didn’t seem to remember. “You dragged me out super early because you wanted to get good places and nobody else was able to go so early. We had to stand out in the sun for hours. I was dying and starting to get a sunburn, so you gave me your hat to help save my face. I never gave it back and wore it a lot during first year of college.”

“I remember now,” he grinned and put the hat on my head. “That was the day before I developed a humongous crush on you. My sister asked me about the concert and she planted these thoughts in my head that made me overthink everything.”

“No... really?” I tried thinking back to the weeks afterwards, but couldn’t recall ever thinking that Jack had feelings for me. Usually, I was very good at knowing when guys would crush on me in high school, but I only knew about the brief time Jack had a schoolboy crush on me for a week during freshman year.

“Yeah, but I knew you were crushing on Chris Feltner, and you guys dated for–”

“We dated until first year of college.” I nodded, realising I maybe had been too obsessed with my own feelings to realise how one of my best friend’s was feeling. “I know.”

“Well, suck it Feltner, guess who’s got the girl now!” Jack shouted in triumph before going in for a proper kiss.

I jumped when a flash went off and turned to see a girl with a camera standing in the doorway. She was smiling brightly and gushed, “that’s so cute.”

“You scared me,” I breathed out in shock and held a hand to my heart.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” she excused. “I should have asked to take your picture before.”

“Oh, no, it’s cool,” I quickly told her so she wouldn’t feel guilty. “I just didn’t see you there. No, you can take my picture if you like. I believe I actually have an old photo from 2005 of the two of us with me wearing this hat. It’s a nice comparison.”

“Rachel often makes me take pictures of her, you’re all good,” Jack added with a chuckle.

“Like you don’t make me take hundreds of different photos just for you to choose one to send to your mom,” I retorted.

“But I’m not embarrassed about it, I don’t give a shit.”

“I don’t give a shit either.” I winked.

–––––––––––––

Visiting Jack on tour wasn’t nearly as rowdy as most people would expect. They weren’t twenty-one-year-olds enjoying their rising fame by partying twenty-four-seven anymore. Yes, they still liked their fun and their drinks, but it wasn’t over excessive. I managed to avoid alcohol the entire time I was there. Well, except for one night. One dreadful night. Karaoke night.

You see, I didn’t sing. I would never do what Alex did and sing in front of large crowds. Quite simply, I didn’t want to do so and I wasn’t good enough to do it either. But I could hold a note. I was good enough to be one of the few people who didn’t suck at karaoke, but I could never be an actual singer. If I took some serious vocal coaching, I probably could have. But like I said before, I had no desire to do. I liked singing in the shower, that was it.

So, when the guys decided to go out to a karaoke bar, I was dragged into it. We had to be back by 4am to get on the bus and leave to the next venue, but that didn’t mean the guys didn’t want to go out. It was actually relatively late compared to other nights when we had to leave immediately after everything was packed up again.

At this karaoke bar, more than just a few drinks were poured. I managed to stay away from it at first. The first round bought by Alex was beer, which I got out of. My glass was replaced with a glass of coke. I also managed to miss out on the shots of tequila and a round of mixed drinks. While the boys were very understanding when sober (and when I say ‘understanding’, I mean they would eventually give in and let me have my way), they would be less so when the alcohol started flowing.

Jack had bought everybody a round a vodka shots. This time, however there was an extra glass and that glass came in my direction. I refused. I absolutely refused, but Jack just wiggled his eyebrows when took did his own. Even when they started chanting my name and got a few strangers to join in, I still stood my ground. But Jack wouldn’t give up. He was tempting me. At one point, I almost took it, but I stopped myself. It all went well until Jack picked up my shot and poured it into my glass of coke. He winked and convinced me that that one drink wouldn’t hurt over the rest of the night.

But he was wrong. Very wrong.

It must have been around 5am when things went downhill for me. At first, Jack had kept saying ‘I told you so’ when I got no headache and felt fine. But it was so different just an hour or so later. The bus was moving, shaking us lightly. I was pressed up against the wall in Jack’s bunk, Jack taking up most of the space beside me. My head was pounding when I woke up.

“Jack,” I groaned, trying to push him out of the way so I could get some more breathing space. It felt like I had a horse putting all it’s weight on my forehead. “Jack,” I repeated again when he didn’t budge.

“What,” he grumbled back and shifted like half an inch.

That’s when the pain got so bad that it started messing with my stomach. “I’m so nauseous.”

“You okay?” he asked, seemingly a bit more awake than before, but his voice still full of sleep.

Part of me wanted to cuddle up against him and bury my head into his neck to help with the pain, but another part of me wanted him to get as far away from me as possible. “This is your fault.”

“Do you want some painkillers?”

“No,” I told him despite the fact I actually most definitely wanted some, but something else was on my mind first. “I’m going to be sick.”

“Right now?” He was definitely awake now. This was a wakeup call. He started to shuffle out of the bunk.

“I can’t move.” I managed to breathe out while I was trying to keep everything down, clutching my head tightly. I really didn’t want to throw up all over Jack’s bunk. One, it was our sleeping place, and two it would be a bitch to clean up.

“Oh, shit,” he sighed and sat up, not leaving the bunk.

I wasn’t the only one who knew the severity of how bad this was. Last time this happened, I threw up all over Jack’s bedroom floor and passed out from my headache. He was afraid I was going to choke on my own vomit, but that didn’t even come close to happening. That time I had only had some wine with dinner.

“Umm, take this.” He pulled out a plastic bag he had in a small compartment at the end of his bunk. “Just in case.”

Just because I had that plastic bag, did not mean that I was immediately going to throw up. Jack ran his fingers through my hair, both to comfort me and to easily hold it back if needed. I concentrated on breathing so the worst wouldn’t happen. Honestly, I would do anything for it not to get to the point. It wasn’t that the alcohol made me throw up, it was my headache caused by the alcohol that made me nauseous.

“Maybe we should go to the back?” Jack suggested when he realised I was doing my best to stay composed. “You can look outside there, it might help.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to open my mouth to say anything. This time he did get out of his bunk, opening the curtain and revealing that all the lights were also off in the hallway. I was glad they were, I couldn’t imagine being able to stand light right at that moment. Jack waited for me to slowly crawl out. Just sitting up made my head spin.

“You go already, I’ll grab some water and painkillers.” He reached out to push the button to open the door to the back lounge and went in the opposite direction.

I somehow made it onto one of the couches while keeping my eyes nearly closed and holding tightly onto my head. The movement of sitting down nearly made me vomit, but I managed to stop it from happening. I sat with my legs up, looking out at the highway we were on. It was dark outside except for the occasional streetlight. The pain was so unbearable that tears involuntarily slipped out of my tear ducts.

“Here.” Jack handed me a water bottle and two pills before going back to his bunk and taking his pillow and duvet to the back lounge. He closed the door behind himself so we wouldn’t accidentally wake anybody up, which we surprisingly hadn’t done yet.

“Thanks,” I responded in a very shaky voice and downed some water to chase the painkillers.

Jack pushed another button that made the couch extend horizontally. He grabbed a throw blanket from a cupboard in the room and took it for himself while he gave me the bedding. “We’ll just sleep here tonight. I also brought some melatonin in case you aren’t able to sleep.”

I thanked him yet again and waited for him to lie down beside me. Once he got comfortable, one arm behind his head, I put my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised, wrapping and arm around me and trailing his fingers over my side. “I promise to never put alcohol in your drink again. If anything, I’ll keep you away from it.”

“I love you,” I whispered and accepted his apology. I couldn’t hold a grudge against him.

[izzy-b-hands]

K screw it we’re talking about the TV show. I have an idea of a title, but it isn’t set in stone, but maybe I can tag it with that, so if you don’t wanna see this stuff you can blacklist it?? Y’know what, let’s go with this one: ‘aly’s show in progress’. I searched it first to make sure it doesn’t coincide with anything else on here as a tag, lol. 

If you guys read this all (and it is a lot, lol) and wanna talk about it, have thoughts, or just like the idea of it and wanna let me know, please do. Any feedback on this baby of mine makes me so happy. 

Also, I’ll throw the rest of this behind a cut so if I ramble it won’t take up as much room for y’all. 

Guys if I had a way to make this now, I so would. I even have bits of soundtracks ready to go (orchestral backing tracks--the theme song I keep hemming and hawing on who should create it, but probably not me, lol.) I know they say don’t share your stuff in progress, but right now this is such a far shot from ever being produced that I feel safe in talking about it (also because like with all my other works that I have planned to sell or produce, I’m getting copyright on just to be safe.)

So to be honest, I can’t recall how much I’ve written about it on here, and it is 12:30 AM and I can’t be bothered to search my own blog so we’re starting from scratch. 

Working title is Liminal Space--a show about people who have no reason to be together in the place they are, but that’s where they’ve ended up. For now, they can’t seem to leave (that’s elaborated on further in the series) and why would they--when food is somehow replenished, and money isn’t a concern to survive. Sure, the woods sometimes glow and strange people and creatures keep showing up, but every place has something weird, right?

Specifically, we focus on a set of adult characters-names come about within the first few episodes, but in the credits they are noted as their roles in what is essentially a drive thru town-an abandoned school, a two-level hotel/restaurant set up, a wildly unnecessary car sales lot and building, an abandoned cabin, woods, and a haunted house that magically appears one day. All of this facing a highway (the haunted house on one side of it, everything else on the other.) 

Our main cast consists of: 

The Kids--A boy and a girl, about six and ten respectively. They are literally found by the Waitress one day near the highway, and since no one appears to claim them, the town just sort of adopts them. This means everything from home schooling them about a world that no one else really remembers for sure, plus keeping them safe from the weird shit that goes on in the town. Is it a lot for two kids? Yeah, but they could have been dead on the edge of the highway, so things are pretty good overall for them. Not sure on who to cast for these either, since young kids might outgrow the roles pretty quick--plus they might not be in every episode, if only to allow for some scarier plot lines and more serious topics to be addressed. They end up rooming in the haunted house, via a secret tunnel and a plot line in one of the very first episodes.

The Waitress--unsure of cast member. It keeps rotating between various actresses and musicians, to be honest. She works at the restaurant/hotel, despite it never really having customers (except for a few episodes with guest stars.) Nobody questions how or why they keep it running--it gives her something to do, and she gets to chat up the Pianist (which is a big Plot Point later on in the series so I will only elaborate so far here lol.) Rooms at the restaurant/hotel, in whatever room will open each night (the keys to all the rooms aren’t always there.) 

The Pianist--Johannes. In part because I have no clue if he can play piano or not, but if he can’t then we get a silly in-joke here that the Pianist is supposed to play at the restaurant/hotel where the Waitress works...but then we never see him play it. This character is a lot of dry wit, and I feel like he’d carry that well. Rooms in the restaurant/hotel, sometimes in an actual room, sometimes under his piano on the floor if he’s writing music and no one (read: the Waitress) puts his ass to bed.

 A quick key thing to note about any cast members--they don’t have to change how they look outside of the show, aka no band members have to chop off their hair or anything like that to play their role. What they look like outside the show, is how their character appears. 

The Teacher--Henrik. He’s a little bit quieter a person, just like this character. He also seems to have a knack for reactions (aka every photo of him making a face or video of him rolling his eyes dramatically suggests he’s someone who can actually use his face to act and not overdo it.) That’s what I want from this character--when shit’s going down, he’s the book smart person in the room; he’ll help look up and figure out a solution, but we get to see him rolling his eyes or giving us some reaction that suggests he isn’t doing this passively (I also have some choice sarcastic lines for him--the ones that aren’t supposed to hit you until a beat has passed, then you and the other characters realize they just got burned horribly.) He is the one who gets to try and home school The Kids, despite only have a few books to work with--but he’s smart enough to teach them a lot of things without text books, and generally dislikes the ones they have since a. half of them are out of date and incorrect or b. show info from a universe that isn’t theirs and so aren’t useful. Rooms in the abandoned school, which he often makes repairs to himself (because they can’t exactly call out for a contractor to do so, and because he’s got the brains to not just fix but improve the building with what he has on hand.) 

The Man Out of Time (aka yes, a time traveler)-- John. I can’t quite explain why he feels like the best fit--the character came into my head, already as John. I can’t explain this character’s full deal without giving a full ep synopsis, but to give some summation--to save the town, he sacrifices his ability to travel back to his time. He’s a straight up good guy; he wants to help these people even though he ended up in their time and town on accident and barely knows them. He ends up residing in the abandoned cabin, as a happily accepted new neighbor. He’s a nice guy, plus that’s one more person to make sure The Kids aren’t accidentally killed by like, an inter-dimensional squid or something--that’s a nice bit of stress alleviation for all the other adults. 

The Car Salesmen--Jack Black and Charlie Day. A set of very panicky brothers, selling cars that have never worked (like, they literally have no engines or wheels...) But they insist that they are needed, and that the cars will work, when It comes for them. What is It? Why should they fear It? All anyone gets is panicked laughter as an answer, so they just roll with it all. Besides, who doesn’t like window shopping, even if the cars aren’t necessarily something you could ever use or buy? Everybody tries to be accepting and calming towards these two, who are almost always convinced that It is on the way. They mean well, the poor things. They room in the building of their car sales lot--there aren’t any display cars in it, so they can keep sleeping bags on the floor. 

The King--I swear to god, I thought up this character before Avatar Country came out. It is a pleasant coincidence that Kungen is who I chose for this role (in part because I mean...his nickname literally means The King. As of Avatar Country’s release, we have proof he is a good king. Why not keep a good thing going?) And he is literally a king--who shows up one day, claiming to be king of their town (that is really barely even quantifiable as a village.) No one knows what to make of it, so they roll with it, because he doesn’t actually make them act like much of subjects--he might ask for food randomly during the day from the Waitress, or ask them how the ransacking of neighboring towns is going (it isn’t, because no one ever leaves the town, but he never seems bothered by that.) Otherwise, he just likes to hang out and ask everyone what they’re doing and educate them on the Royal History--how and why he became king, what he’s done as king, etc. For a king, he’s down to earth and just likes to visit with people. Maybe he’s lonely--they’ll never know for sure. Rooms wherever he feels for each ep he’s in--but ends up a lot a the hotel/restaurant, as it has the most rooms of any building in town. Technically a series regular, but yet not--kind of like the Kids, in that sense. This is subject to change as I keep writing though; he’s ended up in a lot of eps so far, lol. 

The Waiter--Tim. Can’t fully reveal this character’s deal without major spoilers, but he plays a big part in the Waitress’ story arc (a no duh, per the character title, lol.) I needed someone who has good natural humor, good comedic timing, and can do good impressions (for a few episodes particular story arcs.) That, and someone who seems like they’d be up for a character with a weird backstory--not a bad one, The Waiter isn’t a villain, but it is a complicated one. Once he’s in the town though, things are good--and his character is well-liked, for a whole variety of reasons that again, if I elaborate on more I give away a bunch of Big Ass Plot Points. So maybe later, lol. Rooms at the hotel/restaurant, and works there too once his character is introduced. 

The Doctor--Brendon Small. Catchphrase is “I dunno, I’m not a doc...wait, I am. Still, I dunno.” A very tired physician who drove in one day to catch a cup of coffee after driving all night, then found after he left the restaurant his car was gone. One of the only citizens who isn’t wholly chill with being perpetually stuck in the town--he can sense something’s up with this place, but he can’t quite explain it. Despite his catchphrase, is actually a very good doctor--sometimes possessing knowledge of how to heal things he’s never seen or dealt with before, which kinda freaks him out. Rooms in the abandoned school with The Teacher--which leads to occasional shouting arguments between them, if only because you can’t always put two very smart and active minds together like that with time to spare to talk, and expect them not to argue over some things (like what the town would do if a plague rolled through, why don’t the Kids seem to grow at all, etc.) Despite this, they do enjoy each other’s company, really. 

Guest Stars consist of so many--like so many you guys. I can’t fully explain these all without giving away full episodes, and some I can’t even mention yet, so a lot of these are gonna be a bit of a mystery unless any of you guys want to message and talk plots: 

The Drifter--Rob Zombie

The Pianist’s Brother--Ville Valo 

The Fixers--the McElroy brothers, because these characters require chaotic weird energy and a variety of personalities, and I think they would have all that covered very well. What do they fix? Well, if I told you that I’d be giving something important away. 

Slash--as himself. Yes, really. He’s baffled as to why he was given directions (incorrectly) to this place, when it was supposed to be directions to a regular gig. 

The Skeleton in the Closet--Tobias, but in Papa I gear (provided he agrees to ‘reanimate’ the papas for this lol.) 

The Priest--Tobias, but in Papa II gear. Shows up to try and fellowship with them (for Lucifer, of course.) Ends up a bit disappointed and confused--not because they refuse to believe, but because he’s informed he just missed Lucifer by about five years. Its a fun episode, this one. 

The Flirt--Tobias, but in Papa III gear. Literally just Papa III being lost and utterly useless at reading a map to find his way elsewhere. Takes a liking to all the adults, aka all the adults are getting hit on (but will he actually sleep with any/all of them? That’s a secret for that particular plot synopsis.) Eventually gets on his way, but is missed. 

The Pied Piper--Tobias, as the Cardinal. Playing along with the Rats thing here a bit. But he doesn’t lead the Kids, nor rats out of the town--what is it then that he takes with him? Another Plot Point to remain hidden for now. 

The One of the Woods--Doug Jones. 

The Trickster--Taika Waititi. This isn’t even really a role, I’m more or less just asking Taika to come have fun for an episode and vamp it up. 

There’s more guest stars I’d love to note here, but if I do I again risk major spoilers that I’m not quite ready to give up, lol. More to come later, perhaps.For now, yes, three out of 12 are technically the same person. Tobias would hopefully be up for all of that, lol. 

Setting: Ideally, somewhere in Sweden, since by the time I get this anywhere near production I’ll hopefully have been living there for years. May as well keep it local, plus there are certain locations out there that I have in mind and want to use. But I’m open to other places--so long as it is appropriately creepy and deserted like. That is to say, the highway this town is by is only rarely busy. Otherwise they barely see cars, and the few they do see rarely stop. So essentially an abandoned highway is what I need, lol. 

I could go on here (even just about the soundtrack I’m working on) but I’ll stop because I think this is getting long. Like I said before, if anyone has feedback, or any interest in this and wants to talk about it--you’ll make my year if you let me know! If not, that’s cool too, but I’m sick of letting all this rattle about in my head--I want to share it and talk about it, even if I can’t make any of it happen right now!

[usnavens]

Home alone

Pairing: Lams

AU: Modern / where they are around 17 years old.

Summary: Alex is home alone and he invites his best friend Laurens over, things happen and [spoilers]. Warnings: Cursing (send me a message if you want me to tag anything)

Word count: 2825 words (Is this too long? Too short?)

A/N: I thought of this at midnight one day and couldn’t sleep until I wrote it. This ain’t my thing so, I’m sorry  for the bad writing.

“Fuck” John groaned as he left the hot plate with pizza fall roughly atop the table.

It had been a normal Friday evening so far, he had just got home from school and, as always, he had walked his best friend Alex home before he went to his own, yeah, his “best friend”, how painful it was to say that for him, but it was even more painful he had to hide his feelings for Alex and deny to himself that he was in love just for the fear of being disowned by his father or something alike.

Though he was a little confident that Alex wouldn’t stop talking to him for being gay, mostly because Alex was openly bisexual, a while ago he was dating Eliza Schuyler, and about a month ago he was still dating Thomas Jefferson, so the worst that could happen would be that Alex rejected him because he didn’t like John.

The only thing out of normal was that he was home alone, his father probably at work, but he didn’t know where his other siblings were. It was fun being home alone for John; that way he could hear music top volume and eat whatever that was on the fridge.

John was enjoying his slice of pizza, laying on his bed, scrolling through twitter when a message from Alex popped up.

Alex: Jacky

Alex: George and Martha went on a trip for the weekend, wanna come over? ;)

John: To stay the whole weekend?

Alex: If you want, it could be like a sleepover

John: I´ll ask my dad

Alex: K

John shot a text to his dad, not asking for permission but to just affirm him that he was going to spend the weekend with Alex.

John didn’t wait for his father’s reply. he packed some clothes and made his way to the Washington’s.

Laurens knew the way perfectly, he and Alex always walked together after school; Alex lived closer to their school so he always went that way and dropped Alex off at the entrance of the house.

Once at the door he knocked even though he knew there was a doorbell on his right.

Alex opened the door and greeted John with a kiss on his cheek, something unusual which made John blush a little, and it seemed it made Alex blush too.

“Hey” said Alex with a shy grin, they stood in the doorway for just some seconds, staring at each other when Alex finally snapped out “Oh, I, uhm, I’m sorry, come in” Alex stood aside to let John enter his house.

“So, what do you want to do?” John asked as he looked around the house,throughout his friendship with Alex he had never entered his house, every team project they had done it had been whether on John’s house or in a coffee shop, and if there was another person they would do it in their house.

“Alex?” John looked over his shoulder but saw nobody, he started looking in all directions and there was no one.

“Why do you have to be like this?” John said under breath still looking for his friend.

Suddenly a small figure appeared from a hallway “I’m sorry” Alex laughed nervously “I forgot you have been here, come on” Alex motioned for John to follow him.

Across the hallway there were the stairs, Alex guided John up the stairs and into what it looked like his bedroom.

The first thing he saw was a bookshelf full of books and a small T.V; there were shelves above a king size bed with royal blue covers and red pillows,  the shelves holding some action figures that Alexander liked to collect; he also had a black wood dresser with a big mirror and a nightstand on the side of the bed. It looked really clean and organized.

In fact, Alexander had been cleaning like crazy before Laurens arrived, he wanted to make sure he was comfortable. He also wanted to express to John how he felt for him, but Alex was a little unsure of how.

“So, you want to play video games, eat or…?”  Alex asked John.

“Well, I ate before coming here” John said “have you eaten anything?”

Alex smiled at John “No, I-I thought I should wait for you to come over so we could… eat together”

John was about to say something before Alex interrupted him “I’m going to warm whatever Martha left me” Alex headed out stopping at the doorway “Make yourself comfortable, there are some books and some video games if you want to play or read, I’ll be right back”

Alex hurried downstairs. Once he got to the kitchen he opened the fridge and realized there was plenty of food but nothing prepared.

“Shit” Hamilton said to himself, in that moment he wished he knew how to cook or at least listened to Martha when she tried to teach him.

Alex grabbed the milk and closed the fridge, he left the milk on top of the kitchen’s island before going to take a plate and some cereal from the shelves.

Hamilton had just finished packing away the cereal box and the milk when he saw John walking in the living room like he had lost something “John? What are you doing?” Alex said giggling.

John looked back at Alex for a moment before returning his sight to the place around him and walked closer to Alexander “I thought you had a cat? I think you told it to me once some time ago”

Alex frowned as he realized he hadn’t seen the cat since the morning “Uh, yes I have a cat, well, he’s more like Martha’s you know”

“And where is…? he?” John asked raising a brow.

“You… didn’t see him around?”

John shook his head, concern obvious in his expression.

“Well, I, uh…” Alex took a deep breath and finally answered “I don’t know where he is”

John’s eyes widened “How is that you don’t know where he-” he cut himself to cover his face with his hands “we must find him! What if he’s lost? What if Martha gets angry at you for losing her cat?-” John kept ranting about what would happen if the cat was lost for some moments before Alex cupped his face with his hands.

“Jack, don’t worry, that’s something cats -or at least him- tend to do” Alex’s voice was soft “He gets out of the house from time to time” he said as his hands went down to John’s shoulders.

Both were sharing looks. There was some kind of tension in the air.

John’s freckles looked better than ever and his eyes were bright as hell, thought Alexander.

John was staring at the beautiful brown eyes of the man who he…loved.

Alex pulled John closer by his shoulders and crushed his lips with John’s.

John widened his eyes at first but let himself relax and kissed Alex back. Did Alex felt the same John felt for him? Was this just an accident to break the tension? so many thoughts and questions went by John’s mind when Alex pulled out, leaving John wide-eyed, again, they stared at each other some moments in a mix of embarrassment and shock.

“I-I’m sorry, John” Alex turned around to cover the fact that he was about to cry.

John placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder “Hey, don’t worry, it’s okay” No, it’s not okay, damn it, I love you.

“Wanna go and play some games?” Alex asked trying to hide how embarrassed he still was.

John smiled and nodded softly to him.

Between the video games and board games they were playing, and the breaks for snacks the evening went by fast.

They were sitting in the wood floor of Alex’s room playing a video game, it was something past ten when Alex yawned “I think it’s time to sleep”.

“I think I’ve never heard you saying that you actually want to sleep” John said giggling, he was tired too, but he’d try to stay up if Alex still had energy “and never thought I’d ever hear it” he said under his breath but loud enough for Alex to hear.

Alex laughed at John’s last comment.

“Well, if you want you can sleep here and I’ll sleep on the couch downstairs or I can search for a sleeping bag” Alex said as he stood up.

A part of John wanted to sleep with him, to cuddle with him and let both bodies warm each other, but instead he said: “do as you want, Alex, it’s your house”

“Okay, then�� I’ll go and search for a sleeping bag so you won’t have to be alone up here” he said to John with a soft smile.

John watched as Alex left the room, he felt heat rushing to his cheeks, at least Alex would be near him.

John undressed himself and once he was only with his boxers he reached for his bag and pulled out his night clothes, putting them on him.

Alex came back some minutes later dragging the open sleeping bag. After placing it right next to the bed he took off his jeans so he could use his shirt and boxers as pajamas, as he was used to.

“I can’t believe you sleep in your day clothes” John said jokingly.

Hamilton chuckled “aren’t those day clothes too?” he said pointing to what John was wearing, a light gray tank top and blue joggers.

“No” Laurens said “these are designated sleeping clothes” he motioned to his clothes.

Alex let out a small laugh “If you say so”.

John was so into what had been happening the whole day that he had totally forgotten to check his phone. He turned it on and the notifications read:

[From oldest to newest]

Henry L: Don’t even think of it

Henry L: I want you at home at 7 O’clock, maximum

(3) missed calls from Henry L

“Uh, Alex?” John looked over his shoulder to look directly at Alex.

“What?”

“Did you hear my phone ring?”

Alex froze “Well-” he rubbed his neck nervously “I… I did, it rang like three times in a row after you went to the bathroom, it was your dad so I was scared to answer”

“My dad scares you?” John giggled “really?”

“I mean, every time I am with you he’s technically always behind us so I don’t really think he likes me” Alex said shrugging.

John knew that it wasn’t that his father didn’t liked Alex, well, maybe Henry didn’t completely liked Alex but, it was because he considered their relationship as a “dangerously” close one.

“And, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t like him much” Alex shrugged even more, like he was waiting for John to punch him right in the face.

John took Alex by the shoulder “don’t worry, I don’t like him much either” he turned around after patting Alexander’s shoulder. “Anyways, I’m in a really big trouble so I may stay here forever” John said as he laid down in Alex’s bed.

“That wouldn’t bother me at all” Alex said, somehow sounding flirty as he turned off the lights. He got inside the sleeping bag “Good night, Jacky”.

“Good night, Alex”

Around 20 minutes passed and John couldn’t sleep and he didn’t know why, it wasn’t the probable fight he would have with his dad when he got home a couple of days later, it also wasn’t that kiss from earlier, or maybe it was?

“Alex-” John whispered leaning to where Alex was sleeping “are you awake?”

“Yup” Alexander answered, sounding fresh as fuck “what’s up?”

“I-I can’t sleep” John said as he rolled back to the opposite side of the bed.

He didn’t got any response until some seconds later “Do you want me up there?”

John was surprised Alex proposed that “Uh, yeah, sure” he rolled to his side to be back to back with Alex, but when Alex climbed to the bed he pulled John closer to him. John could feel Alex’s breath on his neck. Once again, John rolled to snuggle with Alex.

“Alex?” he said as he pressed his forehead into Alex’s chest “Did the kiss… mean something to you?” John felt Alex’s arms holding him tighter.

“John-” Alex buried his face on John’s hair “it did” he tried to hold Laurens closer if it was even possible.

John felt himself trembling.

“Your hair smells nice, Jacky” Alex said, trying to break with the silence.

John drew out from Alex’s arms and pulled himself to be face to face with Alex “Alex, there’s something you need to know” John said.

Alexander removed his arms from around John and rested his face on his palm, never getting his sight out of Laurens.

John sat up, looking at the wall in front of him instead of Alex “I-I really like you and all” he bit his lip “but, I don’t want to be your boyfriend, ‘lex” he turned down his face to look at his hands resting in his lap.

“w-WHAT?!” Alex screamed “That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard from you” He said as he stood up from the bed and took a deep breath “tell me why”.

“I just can’t Alex” John stood up as well “but I do like you a lot” he tried to grab Alexander’s hand but Alex pulled away and stepped back.

“No, John” Alex said with a hand on his chest “I know there’s a reason, I know you” his voice cracked, he was about to cry. He turned back and walked just some steps away from John.

The crack in Alex’s voice made tears form in the corner of Laurens eyes, he couldn’t answer, he just stood there and watched the sobbing Alex from afar.

“Answer me!” now it was clearer, Alex turned back, tears streaming down his eyes; he had never felt so powerless, he didn’t know why John liked him but didn’t want to be something more “tell, me, is it because you don’t want to ‘ruin our friendship’ hm?” he stood taller and walked back to where Laurens was standing.

John shrugged trying to hide his face. He had a reason, his father wasn’t like George and Martha were, he knew that if he brought Alex home as a boyfriend something terrible would happen, to both.

“Is it because of that?!” Alex pushed Laurens, he was mad and he couldn’t handle himself, a great flaw of his.

John fell, fortunately he didn’t hit his head with anything, he wasn’t able to hold the tears anymore. This was supposed to be a great sleepover, but it had turned into a hell.

Alex looked at him with preoccupation, but shook away his expression and continued “Is it because-” Alex stopped as realization came to him “Is it because of your father?” he said softening his tone, making eye contact with John he kneeled and placed his hand on John’s knee “Is it because of him?”.

John looked down, breaking the eye contact and nodded slowly.

“John, I-I’m sorry I-” Alex was interrupted by a sob coming from both of them “I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you, goddamn it, I shouldn’t have pushed you-I’m so sorry” he reached for John’s hand and pulled it to his lips then to caress his cheek.

John forced a smile and turned his gaze to Alex “I don’t like you Alex” he kneeled just like Alexander and placed both of his hands on his cheeks “I fucking love you” Laurens giggled a bit.

Alex giggled as well and took John’s right hand before pushing his lips into John’s.

All the tension from before was gone, this felt right and that’s how both of them wanted to spend at least the rest of the weekend.

“I��ll still have to confront my dad” John said pulling away and resting his forehead against Alex’s “for leaving without permission and for you, baby”

Alex widened his eyes and grinned “Baby?”

John was unsure of what Alex meant with that, was he calling John ‘baby’ or was he making fun of Laurens for calling him ‘baby’? He was unsure so he just hummed in response.

“I love you” Alex said as he melted into John’s arms “we’ll solve that tomorrow” Alex yawned.

“Okay” John stood and pulled Alex along with him “I noticed you don’t know how to cook? ‘Lex?”.

Alex laughed “I don't”.

“Tomorrow I’ll make you an incredible breakfast, how ‘bout that?” John said as he got under the sheets.

“It’s okay for me if it’s not like Thomas’ mac & cheese” Alex chuckled.

“Believe me-” he giggled “it’ll be nothing like that”

Once both were under the sheets Alex held John in his arms and near his chest. He rubbed small circles into John’s back until he felt John was asleep. This had just been the beginning of a great weekend.