#To the point where I'd just avoid drawing myself with that nose (Nowadays I try to get better at drawing it accurately)

[wayfinderships]

Good morning gamers! Hope you're all doing well!! As for me, I'm ping ponging between multiple f/os this morning!

[inkabelledesigns]

I'm supposed to be going to sleep, I gotta get up early tomorrow, but I need to share this because it's not gonna leave me alone unless I do.

So I dug up my old "how to draw" books today after watching a Jazza video where he talked about books that shaped him as an artist. No joke, I hugged these close and cried when I got them out of storage, it felt like having an old piece of myself back that went missing. As you've probably noticed, there's a little bit of manga in there, some furries, and anatomy books that I should listen to a little more. The manga books are the hardest for me to touch nowadays, and it's for a weird reason.

You see, back in 2016, someone who I thought was my friend said the most hurtful thing to me, and to this day nothing has ever stung worse. He said "I don't consider you an artist," followed by "your art isn't anime enough." Someone I'd known for years at that point, someone I trusted, invalidating the most important part of my identity at the time, just because it didn't fit his preference? Pardon my language, but what a fucking bitch. And being the insecure artist I was, no thanks to people in our circle who bullied me and my work relentlessly, this lead to a very awkward relationship where I avoided anime and manga like the plague. Which is a shame, because those art forms are incredibly beautiful. I hated my work getting compared to it by people who didn't know any better, I still hate it. It was fine if my friends drew it, but I didn't feel free to do anything with it. It wasn't something I was allowed to indulge in, because that asshole had to be wrong, I refused to draw something in a style he would like, his likes were just trash in my mind, tasteless and uneducated. That's what I had to tell myself to feel better. And that's not a healthy way to go through life, feeling so spiteful. (Though looking back on it, he was pretty trashy, but for a different reason.) I haven't thought about him in a long time, but today I've been thinking on the past a lot...a lot of how I wish I could heal from it faster and move on from the many people who hurt me. I don't talk about them much, but the things that happened before had a big impact on me, I care way more than I should about people thinking my work is lesser, that I'm lesser. It's not something I open up about, it's something I type up a lot of drafts on but then delete, because who cares? What's the point in saying it?

Well guess what happened tonight?

I went and tried some things after reading bits of the two manga books I guiltily enjoy, and it...it helped? Up until now, I really don't like the way I draw faces. I like my noses from certain angles, because I like decently sized noses, but eyes and mouths? I'm hopeless. But trying Auran's eyes as something similar to these two books, it works for me. It's not perfect, but the sizing and shape feels...better. I'm getting better with his hair and fluff too, I owe Vampire for that one. Studying her art (which is freaking gorgeous) makes me want to try some of her techniques in my own content, and it's made for some interesting results. I feel like maybe it's time to give all of this another try, start fresh with these books and let myself just have fun with art again. Go after it like I'm a kid again, just make stuff because I like it and it looks cool, not because it needs to be amazing. That'll come on its own. I think I can rest tonight knowing that things are gonna be better.

'Cause at the end of the day, I'm me. And the same thing that made me special when I started is still there. I've got some damn good ideas, just need the pencil and paper to go with them. There is a point in talking about what hurts, and more importantly, I SHOULD share the stuff I love. Because dammit, I've been on this journey for a long time, and my work matters just as much as everyone else's! It's always mattered, even if I didn't think it was worthy of mattering at some points. We're starting the next decade of my journey with hope! And I hope that this gives YOU some hope if you need it too! Because we are worthy, we are amazing, and we're gonna kick some butt!